...Oh! Hi there! I've been expecting you.
I'm Mi Amore Cadenza, but you can call me Cadance. Princess of Love and Family, Guardian of the Crystal Empire, et cetera, et cetera. But that's not what we're here to talk about today.
We're here to talk about sex.
...Well, not exactly. But, now that I have your attention!
As Princess of Love, I essentially hold court over the very concept in Equestria. Now, that's not to say that I'm a full-time magical matchmaker or anything, but I definitely have done that before. Don't worry, don't worry, they came to me. I'm not some kind of omniscient goddess that gets joy from toying with ponies' hearts...
...but I do enjoy snooping.
Again, I'm not omniscient. I don't have a crystal ball where I can see everypony's budding relationships or what they do behind closed doors, and I can't enter ponies' dreams like my auntie Luna. I also don't go around peering through windows like a creep, so you can rest easy there. But I do love hearing ponies talk about their lives together, how they fell in love, big romantic gestures, you know the stories.
Now, I mentioned sex just a moment ago. I promise I wasn't just trying to grab your attention! Let me tell you about this crazy book I found...
I was doing some tidying up around the castle the other day while Shining kept the baby occupied. I happened to make my way down into the basement and in one of the side rooms I found this little writing nook absolutely filled to the brim with old documents from hundreds of years ago, maybe even from a thousand years ago when the Crystal Empire disappeared. Buried under all these stacks of paper was a pitiful old desk, and on that desk was this book, old and leather-bound with yellowed pages, but it had this magical pinkish glow from within. I opened it up, and it the words themselves were emitting the glow! Almost as if it was written with neon pink ink!
But that's not the craziest part--the book seemed to be writing itself. On one page I found words scrawling themselves before my very eyes, writing a story as it happened! No matter how many pages I turned, I couldn't reach the end of the book in either direction; the pages seemed to stretch on infinitely, the glowing words telling stories from the distant past and unceasingly scribbling out their story into the future as well! I have no idea who created this book or why, but it's magical power is immense. I can only surmise that it must have been written by a former Princess of Love, one of my predecessors from millennia past. When I flipped through some pages to actually see what was written there, I was quite surprised to find that the entire tome seemed to be dedicated to accounts of ponies' relationships, from beginning to end, with special emphasis on... shall we say, acts of intimacy. The first time a pony is ever intimate with another, there's a little gold star by the paragraph.
Again, why was this artifact created? I have no idea! I haven't asked Celestia or Twilight or anypony about it yet, but I can only assume that some former Princess of Love, either as part of her duties or for her own amusement or both, decided to create this weird, magical book that keeps track of ponies' first times throughout the centuries! It's impressive, perverse, and fascinating all at once!
With all that said... I have not been able to put this book down. I've started calling it the Virginomicon and I sneak away to read from it whenever I get even the slightest free moment. This definitely makes me the biggest snoop in the history of the universe, but I don't care. Some of these stories of virginal love are so sweet and innocent and just downright captivating--even the ones that are pretty naughty! I can't get enough of these tender stories, so I wanted to share them with somepony... that's why you're here.
I've picked out ten of my absolute favorite stories from this book, chosen from within the last half-century so you know who all we're talking about. I think you'll find the stories of some of these colts and fillies quite charming, as have I--though, I'll be stopping these tales just short of any sexual acts. Hate to tease you like that, but it's purely for their privacy, you know? We're already violating it enough as it is, let's leave them at least a shred of it.
So, make yourself comfy! Grab a seat, pour yourself a nice hot cup of tea, but don't spill any, because that's my job! Get ready to stick your nose into the business of ponies sticking their noses in each other's business!
...Was that not an obvious joke? Because they... you can... use your... okay, fine, whatever, Shining's bad puns have rubbed off on me. Let's GO!