//------------------------------// // No Excuses For Yourself // Story: Never Alone // by SoloBrony //------------------------------// About a week prior... "So what did you want to talk to me about?" Principal Celestia – still strange to think about, especially since I was also the principal of a school for so long! – sat across from me on her couch, while I occupied a recliner in her living-room. I gently set my cup of tea down on the coffee table between us to buy myself time to think of proper phrasing. No need to trip over my words in a hurry, after all. In truth, it was still very difficult and awkward for me to discuss Sunset Shimmer in general, but especially in the new context of her being... family. My daughter. My daughter. I still couldn't wrap my head around what that even meant. Oh, certainly, I had seen many families – countless families! – and I could have easily prattled on about what I had seen work and seen not work in them over the years. The decades. The centuries. And yet I still feel completely unprepared for this. Because my own family... I took a sharp breath and leaned back in the recliner, folding my arms and idly tapping one of them. Well, now's not really the time for that. Stay focused, Celestia. This is for Sunset, you can sort the rest out later. "I wished to ask for some information, and some advice, in regards to her. I'm afraid you're rather more familiar with her in recent years than I am, I'm sorry to say." "Sorry to say," she echoed back with a thoughtful expression, and she leaned back and sipped her tea. I caught myself about to blink in confusion, and tried to parse what she was thinking, but her expression and posture gave me nothing to grasp onto. That was definitely something important, but... what? I was just starting to get mentally frustrated in trying to pierce her poker face when I realized she was using the same tricks I always used! Oh, you may be younger than me, but you've dealt with your share of people, haven't you? And what would make me echo a statement like that without clarifying? It must be something she intends to come back around to... I started when I heard her start to speak again, caught out in my mental dissection. "Well, what is it you want to know? Couldn't you just ask her?" I nodded stiffly and focused on the principal. "I was hoping to get a bit more input on her interests and hobbies, actually. I've asked Sunset about it, but I believe she feels the need to shield me from most of it. I'm not certain if she's simply embarrassed, or if it's a cultural issue with this world, or whatever else... but I had the distinct impression that pressing her on the topic would be much more awkward for her than if I simply got 'caught up', so to speak, elsewhere." The principal's expression didn't change one iota through my explanation, and she just nodded and mulled over what I said while sipping her tea again. Something about the intense way she was looking at me bothered me deeply. Perhaps it was because, in a sense, that was my face, but... I feel like she's hostile towards me. I blinked as I realized that, and took a careful sip of my tea to occupy my body as I thought it over. Not to any avail, however. The last time we had met, she seemed perfectly congenial to me. We'd traded jokes about students and school management, traded frustrating inside jokes and observations back-and-forth with barely a word to Luna's chagrin, and just generally seemed quite friendly. Well, knowing me, it won't be long before she clarifies. So why do I feel like I'm somehow digging myself into a pit, here? As I set my tea back down, she spoke again. "Well, I do think it's a good thing for you to take an interest in your daughter's grades and hobbies. As long as you aren't invading her privacy, I don't see any reason not to help." I looked at her. She looked at me. I was a perfect mask of calm, while wondering why there was such a lack of enthusiasm in her voice. She... was not a perfect mask of calm. Deliberately, it must be deliberately. Her arms were still folded, and her gaze was slightly flat. Her voice had been cold. Oh, to Tartarus with this dance. I raised an eyebrow slightly as I said, "Well that's good to hear. Now, are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" I'd hoped that would catch her out, but instead her stare became even flatter, and I felt like I'd really stepped in it, somehow. "So as to say you have no idea why I might be irritated with you on this topic, then?" I cringed inwardly. Sudden lapse into formal language? Open scowling? Indication I've not only blundered, but doubly so because I didn't even notice? Check, check, and check. She must be well and truly irate to pull out the big guns like that. I shook my head. "Just say what's on your mind." She set her jaw and leaned forward. I could hear the strain to keep her voice level, and that set the hairs on the back of my neck on edge. "Three years. The girl has been here for three years, and only now you're taking an interest in her wellbeing. 'Sorry to say' indeed! The fact that I'm more familiar with your daughter's grades, livelihood and... and her whole life should be something you're sorry to have done!" I may not be the first pony to admit it, sometimes, but I don't deal with criticism altogether too well. As she spoke I could feel irritation boiling away inside of me, and I held a hand up and opened my mouth to respond, but she made a backhand gesture scoffed so loudly I felt my words die in my throat as she pressed on. "Oooh no you don't, I know that look, I know you're about to go on and on about all of your oh-so-good reasons for things turning out this way. It's the same nonsense that drove Luna off for so long I thought I'd never see her again!" That stung. That stung terribly, and I had to catch myself to keep from overreacting. I still gasped when she said it and leaned back, if only from the shock of hearing such a parallel event had happened, and the principal seized the initiative, leaning across the table and shaking her head at me. "I'm not one of your students – or, subjects, in your case. Whatever. I know how it is – you get used to people challenging your authority who don't know any better and having to maintain your image of never doing anything wrong. But you are going to listen to me, because you know that I know better than to think we don't make mistakes." I scoffed slightly, and caught myself, sighing. "It's rather... bold of you to assume we have the same lived experience, but I never claimed to be perfect." That got an eyeroll out of her. "I'm well aware of how different our circumstances are, Princess, but it didn't take speaking with you and Luna for long to put together that some things really don't change. Good grief, even after a thousand years, you two still bicker the way Luna and I do!" I cringed, turning my head to the side at that. I could feel my skin flushing – and there's no fur to even mute the effect! How do these humans deal with this?! – as I thought back to a bit of teasing of my sister I'd gotten up to when we met the principal for the first time. It hadn't gone well. It rarely did, really, these days... "Fine. Fine!" I sighed and shook my head, then looked at her again. "I take your point. So you have things you want to say, say them." Something squirmed inside of me as I started to really consider what she might be about to unload on me. The silence stretched out, and I found myself thinking about what she had said before I nearly cut her off. I sighed and rubbed my face as I spoke. "I understand that I've made grave mistakes in this regard. You don't have to tell me that." "I don't think that's really true. Well, obviously you understand that you did something wrong, but I want to hear it from you: what did you do wrong, Celestia?" I winced and scoffed despite myself, rolling my eyes. Heavens know I've asked myself that so many times, over the years... she must do the same. And it's in precisely that voice. Ugh... I sighed. "I... I was not patient enough with her. And I was blind to what she truly needed from me. I let my own... my issues get in the way of taking proper care of her. Get in the way of adopting her." She frowned at me, tapping a finger against her arm irritably. "... And?" I couldn't hold back that time, and snapped out, "Just tell me what you want to say, already!" irritably. Principal Celestia leaned forward, propping herself up with her elbows on her knees and clasping her hands together as she fixed me with an intense look. "Fine. Let's start with the part where you took in an orphan, who – as most orphans do, ob-vi-ous-ly, wanted a family more than anything." I slowly brought my hand up and buried my face in it while she pushed on. "You took this girl in because of her magical abilities, and based your entire relationship – which, lest we forget, was the only close relationship she had ever had – around her learning magic and becoming more powerful. Then, after stringing her along without adopting her, despite lavishing affection and praise on her, went out and adopted another pony as a niece because she became an – alicorn, is that right?" I nodded miserably. "Where did you even hear about all of this?" She scoffed. "Oh, it wasn't easy. I had to get bits and pieces from Sunset, from Princess Twilight, from your Luna... but I put it all together eventually. And I'm hardly done, you know." I groaned at that, letting my hand drop as I rolled my eyes. "What is the point of this? I know all of this already! I grasp what I did wrong!" "Well that's too damned bad!" she snapped at me, her voice so hot and wrathful I actually recoiled in shock. Her glare was nakedly hostile now, to the point I wondered if we would come to blows. Was I this angry with Chrysalis or Tirek, even?! She made a 'tch' sound and shook her head as she pressed on. "I don't really care if you think you understand it already. I'm absolutely sick of dealing with the aftermath of deadbeat parents, Princess. Every time a young, bright student comes here and I watch their lives just—" she made a violently swerving motion before letting her hand drop like it had gone off of a cliff "—derail because their parents hurt them, or just didn't care, and then it's up to me to try to fix that disaster! I can't always do it, sometimes that damage is more than school can fix!" She grimaced and wagged a finger at me, which was a gesture I found more confusing than anything until I understood what gesture it correlated to. "You got lucky, Princess. Lucky that Sunset is tougher than most kids – far tougher – and so much more forgiving. She was out on the damned STREETS!" At that last word, her voice rose to a shout that bordered on a shriek. And it struck a horrible chord in me. I'd known that things were tough for Sunset when she first came here – no, I knew that they MUST have been... but had I ever asked about it? Really learned what she'd been through? No. No, I had not. As though she could hear my thoughts, the principal threw her hands up and said, "And there it is! You didn't even ask her about that, did you?! I didn't know, either! But she was just a student in my school to me – she was a personal student to you! And you knew she'd thrown herself into another world!" I shivered, and said, more to myself than to her, "I couldn't f-follow her through the portal... it was closed for nearly three years—" "HOW was CHECKING UP ON HER not the VERY FIRST THING YOU DID WHEN THE PORTAL REOPENED?!" I worked my jaw silently and leaned back in the chair. I'd gone from folding my arms to gripping them, and I had to set my jaw to keep from crying out. I couldn't possibly offer an answer to that. That didn't stop her, though. "And you hardly stopped there! It wasn't enough to take in an orphan and string them along, before kicking them out – and I absolutely cannot believe you did that to begin with, don't get me wrong! – and it somehow wasn't enough to send Twilight to deal with your mess—" I feebly lifted a hand and she cut me right off again, "I know your excuse for that! I know you thought Sunset would reject help from you, fine!" I struggled to push down my emotions. It was a rare, rare problem for me, but I'd long-since learned not to focus on my own mistakes because it led to this kind of loss of control. And now I wasn't being given a choice. I still managed to push it all down long enough to say, though I was alarmed at how weak my voice sounded, "I'd brought Twilight to the castle t-that night because I wanted Sunset to meet her... I was going to go look for her, but she came through the portal first. That's why it was there to begin with." Principal Celestia took a long, deep breath at that, closing her eyes and steadying herself. Then she fixed me with that wilting glare again. "Fine. So you at least still cared enough that you were going to look for her. Not as soon as the portal opened, but the next morning. Fine." The way she said that last word could have frozen lava on the spot. "But that doesn't excuse what you did next in the slightest. Even if we put aside your letting Twilight deal with the whole issue for you, why didn't you go and see Sunset afterwards? The way I hear it, you two only came back into contact when she had to come and beg for your help!" I chewed my lip over. "I... my..." I took in a sharp breath, and rolled my eyes at myself. "I don't agree with my reasoning on it any more, obviously, but... she had been so aggressive and on such a dark path the last time I had seen her, and then she had returned only to steal Twilight's crown... and I... thought that was my fault. It was my fault!" She recoiled at that, and just idly gestured for me to continue, so I did, though I couldn't get my thoughts together properly. "I thought Twilight would be the best one to help her. I'd tried! I'd failed! Every, every idea and angle I tried to make Sunset open up to others and accept friendship into her heart had been a complete failure. It was like she just couldn't comprehend the value of others! Like they all meant nothing to her! At, at best other ponies were just chess pieces to her back then. If my personal student could come out like that, didn't it mean that I was hopeless at teaching friendship? I still had faith in Sunset, but... not in myself. I thought I was the wrong one for the job." I was hyperventilating slightly, and I took a moment to collect myself before I finished my thought. "So... I thought if I had that effect on her, it was best I not see her again until she was ready." Principal Celestia glared at me and went to comment, but it was my turn to cut her off. "And I already know that was wrong! She was scared to approach me, I understand that now!" "The way Luna tells it, you glared the poor girl down while she practically groveled to you on your reunion!" I cringed, wincing hard at that. "I... I expected another fight. It wasn't even a conscious decision! The last few months before she left, every time we saw each other was just another fight! I thought it would start again the moment we laid eyes on each other!" There was a bit of silence while she just stared at me, and I groaned, rubbing my face. "And I realize that doesn't excuse any of this, alright?! But you asked, so there's your answer!" "And then you didn't apologize for a single damned thing until you were practically bludgeoned with your own shortcomings." I choked at that, burying my face in my hands. I just had nothing left I could say. The storm in my heart that I'd desperately been trying to push down was threatening to go out of all control, and I couldn't gain a foothold on it this time, because I felt like I didn't deserve to. I'd honestly never felt so humiliated and ashamed before in my life. Not even with Luna. And as if giving voice to those feelings, I heard Principal Celestia's voice come to me again. "It's all very convenient for you, isn't it? So many reasons you didn't notice what you should have realized – what any sensible adult would have considered, honestly – and didn't put together why she was upset about Cadance, why she was obsessed with becoming an alicorn, why she was fighting with you... so many good reasons never to deal with the problem yourself or confront your actions. Pardon my language, but Celestia, what the fuck is wrong with you?" I threw my hands down and fought to keep from screaming in response as I felt tears start to stream down my face. "Do you have any idea what it's like to live for a thousand years?! Of course you don't, no one else does! My family, my friends my world was gone! I'm a relic from a time when ponies went to war with each other over what bodyparts they were born with! What do you think I spent all of that time living for?!" I took in a ragged breath as thoughts I hadn't ever given voice to, or even properly entertained, poured out of me. "Day in, day out, I was always just working to make it better. Just... just keep building, keep fixing, keep improving. Get lost in the work and you'll never notice how empty you are! Don't feel anything or you might just burn it all down the way she almost did! My sister, staring down at me every evening and reminding me that I'd chosen that life – chosen to work for the benefit of my kingdom while my own life fell apart. My mentor had sacrificed himself to try to save the kingdom, and I followed his example and threw everything away for it, too!" I felt my throat constricting as I choked out a hollow laugh, which turned into coughing as a result, and I threw a hand up as I rolled my eyes at myself again. "Because what was I going to do? Just let it all fall apart? Let ponies go back to warring with each other and let the windigoes devour it all?! So I just kept marching on ahead, long, long after I'd... I was basically dead." I had to laugh again, closing my eyes and leaning back into the recliner. "Years, decades, centuries just flying right past. Watching other ponies live actual lives while... you know, I didn't even want a life anymore? I pushed those selfish thoughts down, over and over, until I couldn't even remember them." I spent a few moments just heaving breaths and turning the whole mess over in my mind. Somehow, it felt like talking about it all was making it all real in a way I never wanted it to be, but I'd committed to being honest at this point, so I eventually carried on while she just watched me in silence. "I don't like admitting all of this, because it's become a reflex to be the perfect, unflappable pillar. So even though I hate being that, hate that role for myself, it's so ingrained in me by now that it's hard to let go of. But the truth is that I just let the years slip past in a haze. And... when Sunset showed up, I was out of practice at being a real person any more." I snorted, and returned to grasping my own arms as I leaned back in the recliner again. I wasn't looking at the principal any more – I'd picked some corner of the room and I was a million miles away as I remembered those first few days with that precocious little orange unicorn. Eventually, I gave a wistful sigh as those memories replayed for me, and I continued. "It was bumpy at first. She had a way of... getting under my skin. Er, in a good way, I suppose. Penetrating that idiotic facade that I used to keep everypony else out, that 'perfect princess' image that I only let slip when I pranked somepony... for that matter, even my pranks were practically a desperate cry for help. I can see that, now. I would mess with ponies who seemed to fawn over me too much, because truthfully I just couldn't stand it. It was so awful being treated that way, like some unfathomable goddess while I had nopony who could just hold a normal conversation with me. Normal, normal conversation..." "Surely there were some ponies you could speak normally with?" Her incredulous tone got a laugh from me. "No. Every conversation was layered with subtext. I was the immortal ruler of the nation – history was in the making with every damned thing I said. I could feel the weight of it every time I spoke with somepony. It was unavoidable! Even if I tried to make smalltalk, there was no escaping this sense that things were expected of me. You wouldn't believe how bitter that made me feel, at first... I still remember once trying to have a fun, light-hearted conversation about how weather patterns were managed with one of my advisors, only to find out that word had spread through the kingdom that I didn't approve of our weather captains, causing all sorts of problems. I was so young, then..." I heard her sigh, and the clatter of her retrieving her teacup. "And Sunset was your first real emotional contact after all of that time?" I nodded slowly. I jerked slightly in surprise when I realized fresh tears had started to fall, quite unbidden and almost unnoticed. "She somehow... got through all of it. Made the years stop slipping past unnoticed, brought me back to reality. And I... was not prepared at all. I can see it... I can see how foolish I was being. How I was still adjusting to the sudden change in the tempo of my own life. And when she became difficult to handle, I tried to settle right back into my old rut – just send her away, let the years start flying past again like nothing had happened. I'm such a fool." My recounting of my own actions and mistakes over, my mind began to drift, and I felt my breath hitch as the full implications of it all started to settle in properly. I looked at the principal, who actually looked somewhat concerned, to my surprise. It took a couple of tries before I could even speak. "She... she really s-suffered, didn't she? Because of me." Principal Celestia took a sharp breath, and sipped her tea. Taking time to figure out how she wants to phrase something. I shuddered and glanced away before her voice came to me. "Yes, she did. It's taken quite some time for her to open up to me about all of it, but... she's had to work several different part-time jobs, many of which were not at all suitable for someone of her age – which she's become disturbingly accustomed to lying about – to make her own way. Social services helped her, thankfully, but to stay out of the orphanage system she had to avoid benefiting fully. An unfortunate gap in our society, and one that's seen many other teenagers caught between homeless shelters and proper housing assistance. For someone unfamiliar with our society, navigating the legal framework wasn't easy or straightforward." I nodded dully. I'd known this, of course – not the specific details, but it was all obvious enough. But I'd put it out of my mind as much as possible, and now there was no getting around it. I laughed feebly against, rubbing a hand over my face. "I w-wonder how many nights she spent, cold and alone, cursing me for my mistakes." I wonder the same for Luna. I wonder how many other ponies I've hurt without even realizing it, and how many more I will in the future. It was on that miserable train of thought I heard the principal say, "The financial and physical situation wasn't the worst of it, I think. When Sunset first arrived here, she was... well, she was scared, and shy, but still a brilliant and driven young woman. But it was clear to anyone paying close attention, even back then, that she was hurting. Angry, wounded. Of course, she had a hundred ways to stonewall any attempt to ask her for details or try to help, but..." she sighed. "What I'm getting at is that the emotional damage was the worst part, I think. It almost always is." I nodded stiffly, and rubbed at my temples to stop the headache that was threatening to overwhelm me. I was still crying, but at this point I'd given up on stopping that. "I know I've hurt her terribly. That's why I came here in the first place – I'm trying to put things right..." "Are you trying to put things right, or are you taking an interest in her life because you love her?" I jerked at that question, and glanced at my counterpart in confusion, but she just waited for me to respond. I turned the question over in my mind, and I didn't entirely like what I found. "... I was doing it because I felt obligated to make up for my mistake." My counterpart nodded slowly, her frown deep, and I nodded back, my gaze casting downwards as I said, "And I realize that's a terrible way to think of our relationship." "It's inevitable in any relationship to make mistakes and try to make up for them, but it's vital to remember why that matters. Sunset isn't one of your students or subjects, she's your daughter. If you're just doing things for her out of some vague sense of ethical obligation, you're denying both of you a chance at a real relationship. You can't manage this situation with those instincts you've built up all of these years." I took a deep breath, and tried feebly to clean off my face with a kerchief that was provided with my tea as I said, "It will be worth it. Sunset's an incredible young woman, and I know I'm very lucky to have her in my life at all. Especially with what I've done." My counterpart shrugged. "That's easy enough to say, and parents often do, but... well, you aren't the only one going through the motions out of a sense of obligation. Most parents do, really. A healthy family relationship is first built on friendship – and that means the things she cares about need to become things you care about, too." I nodded stiffly, sniffling slightly and wiping my eyes. "Well, that's why I came here in the first place. I wanted to know what she's been up to." The principal tutted at me, drawing my attention, and waved a hand. "It won't be easy to share her interests, at least at first. Kids these days have grown up in an entirely different world from their parents, and for you that's... well, that's literally true. It won't do if you just pretend to enjoy it and don't really understand the culture – I watch parents do that, too, sometimes, and then they gradually lose touch as their kids can just sense that it's all an act." I cringed, and nodded. "I've watched that happen more times than I could possibly keep track of. Is... can you help me understand all of this? Her?" The principal gave me a small, tired smile. "I'll certainly try."