My Life as a Post-Adolescent Pony

by Unicorncob


10 - I'm Yellin' Timberwolf

I had no idea why, but what Discord said before he left stuck with me. Well, it was more the way he said it that stuck with me. Y'know, when people say something that you think is a joke, then you laugh until you notice the look they're giving you and you're like "You're not joking, are you?"

But the thing was, I had no idea if he was joking or not. Though, I figured it was only fitting that someone named Discord was hard to read.

I even did what he said and leaned toward that mean-looking statue, ear focused on it. Thankfully, all I picked up were the tweeting birds, the clicking of cameras, and the chatter of passers-by.

I nodded, took a deep breath. Yeah, Discord was just messing with me. Equestria wasn't a paradise, but surely petrifying living beings--one of them a child by the looks of it--and putting them on display wasn't routine around here.

Right?

My worries put to bed, I decided to add to my portfolio of obnoxious selfies and snapped a picture of myself grimacing next to the statue. If these photos made it back to my old world, I'd have some real ways to remember my time as a Pony, in case it's one of those things where I lose my memories on the way back.

You mean if you made it back.

Yes. But I could at least enjoy myself until then.

After some more amusing (to myself, at least) selfies next to statues that probably meant a lot here, I decided to have a go at the hedge maze. That turned out to be the best suggestion of my life - I already had enough trouble navigating the wide public streets, nevermind an enclosed trail with a cubic buttload of dead ends. The noises I made as I was met with more and more walls of foliage could only be described as "intensifying."

Just as I was contemplating curling up into a ball and crying on the floor, a guard swooped over my head and navigated me out because the gardens were closing. Not that he had to know that a wall of leaves was about to make me have an emotional breakdown.

No one had to know that. It never happened. Shut up.


I was grateful the route from the gardens to the castle gate was more or less a straight line. The sun was starting to set as I headed onto the street, and I didn't really want to spend a night in the potentially haunted bowels of a castle. Or a potentially haunted hedge maze.

I headed toward Restaurant Row in search of that place I saw earlier. The Tasty Treat, right. It was easy to find, following the smell of spices to the little orange place with a cute elephant's head over the door. I stepped inside and was greeted by a friendly mare with wavy hair and an exotic accent named Saffron Masala. She showed me to my table, where I got to sit on a couch, and personally brought out the veggie tikka masala I ordered.

And honestly, it was the best thing I'd tasted since I got there. I ended up giving the sweet girl a tip along with the bill before heading out.

Feeling much better with a belly full of spiced carrots and onions and such, I followed a few signs and a few strangers out of town toward the train station. I wasn't sure why, but the thought of riding a proper steam train was really exciting. One of those things I'd never get to do back in the human world, with trains running on electricity. I paid my ticket and got a few weird looks when I snapped a picture of the train before getting onboard. I took a seat by the window and peered around the car. A small group of friends talking about their day, an elderly stallion hunkering down with a newspaper, and a mare sitting with her kid who was fighting a losing battle against falling asleep.

I heard the "All aboard!" from outside, followed by a shrill whistle, and the train gently jerked into motion. Now that I was finally settled down, I let out a quiet yawn into my hoof. The whole day had really been nonstop--learning that a magical scientist had plucked me into this world, said scientist turning out to be a school founder, then turning out to also be the leader of the realm. After I threw up in front of her. Wasn't going to forget that in a hurry. I don't think she was either. Then a big walking tour around the capital and a weird scare about a weird statue from a weirdly scary creature that looked like he walked out of a scifi novel. Then again, he probably did.

I looked out the window, getting a sweeping view of Equestria from the side of the mountain complimented by the sky starting to turn from an orange sunset to a dark blue night. I spotted a few Pegasi, griffins and dragons flying in the distance, and there were even a couple of airships. With these Ponies knowing about things like dirigibles, locomotion and dance music, I began to wonder.

I can't be the first human to come here, can I?


The sky was a dark navy blue by the time I stepped off the Ponyville train platform. The streets were illuminated by lampposts, flickering with what I first assumed were magical flames. Just because Ponies were capable of inventing zippos didn't necessarily mean they needed to.

After the day I'd had, I was eager to get home. Sure, it wasn't as physically demanding or mind scarring as the day before, but I was certain a major hangover followed by magical motion sickness would take it out of anypony.

Of course, that was the moment I realised that it was dark. It was dark and I didn't have a full lay of the land here yet. I had no idea which direction my house was, and I didn't particularly want to sleep under a bench.

Don't panic, Sharp. Your house is near the town square, right? So just head to the town square and see what happens.

After a deep breath and a silent thank you to the rational part of my brain, I ventured toward the middle of town. The signs certainly helped there, though I couldn't help but think I should ask the mayor to give me my own personal street signs guiding me to my house. I got here by complete accident, after all, so I had to be entitled to some form of compensation. Though, I did have a mortgage to clear up before I could worry about that.

I travelled down a broad street and crossed a little stone bridge that brought me to the town hall. I nodded to myself, knowing roughly which way to go from there. I couldn't wait to go home and get my first proper sleep since coming here. No hard drinking, no hangovers, just a good rest without any hassle.

I looked around, noting how nopony else was on the streets but me. Was there some kind of curfew? Or maybe word had gotten out that a human-turned-Pony was walking around so they were hiding in case I wanted to take away their firstborns or something? Or it could've had something to do with that big wolf-looking thing prowling around ahead of me?

...wait, the what?!

Indeed, some large creature was stalking the street ahead of me, snuffling around for something. The moonlight was shining down on it... and through it through little gaps in its body. Like it was made of sticks or something. It definitely didn't seem like it was going to let me pet it.

I watched as it stalked into an alleyway. It didn't seem like it was wandering around aimlessly--it was after something. Every rational part of my brain screamed at me to find another way home, but my house was just a little ways down that same street and I definitely didn't feel like getting lost in the dark. Not with one of those things walking around. I'd have to sneak past it.

It's either dying to a wolf-monster-thing or dying to a mugger, I guess.

Keeping my steps light, I crept around the alley, my eyes focused on the creature. It didn't seem to notice me, searching the alley for something. Maybe it followed something there? It didn't matter anyway--I had made it past. I breathed a quiet sigh of relief and turned around. Thanks to my amazing spatial awareness, whacked my hoof against a small wooden crate.

"DAMN IT!!"

I stuffed my non-sore hoof into my mouth after that very loud expletive. It had gone quiet. Deathly quiet.

Oooohhh, now you've done it.

My heart stopped and my blood ran cold as I slowly turned my head. A pair of glowing green eyes glared in my direction. The creature snarled and lowered its head as it stalked toward me. I walked backwards, not letting the creature out of my sight, but doing my best to avoid looking right in its eyes. A lot of animals took direct eye contact as challenge, though so far that didn't apply to Ponies. Though, as mad as the Ponies were, they weren't creeping around alleys and stalking innocent passers-by trying to get home.

As far as I knew, at least.

I felt something on my hind hoof and glanced down for a split-second. I'd stepped on a twig, probably from a nearby forest. Desperation taking over, I lifted the stick into my front hoof.

"Uhh, good boy," I said to the creature, waving the twig around. "Want the stick? You want the stick, boy? Wait, aren't you made of sticks? Am I asking you to commit cannibalism? If I am, I'm sorry. Unless that's a thing you guys do, in which case you're welcome to take the stick. Once I throw it in the other direction and run for my life. That a good deal for you? Do you even understand me? Sprechen sie Pferd?"

Why do I ramble so much?

The creature lowered itself, snarling as it prepared to pounce. When I saw that it was almost as big as me, I swallowed and began quietly praying to whatever god resided over this world. Twilight came to mind, for some reason.

We both halted as a wolf's howl sounded from quite a distance away. Its friends, no doubt. The creature turned back in my direction and broke into a gallop.

"OKAY I'M SORRY ABOUT THE STICK!" I yelped, tossing it away while covering my eyes and awaiting the inevitable gnawing of my limbs.

The gnawing that never came.

I opened my eyes and looked around, seeing the creature sprint down the street toward where the howling came from. It must've been called back to base, so to speak. Not that I was complaining. I stood still for a few minutes, making sure I was absolutely completely safe before I flopped down on my rear end. I panted and waited for my heart to calm down before standing back up, composing myself.

I turned to head for home so I could have a heart attack in peace, when I heard rustling from the alley. I crept over to see what the fuss was all about. From the noise, it had to be whatever that thing was hunting for. Or a really big raccoon. At this point, nothing would surprise me.

A Pony's head popped out of a big cardboard box, looking around. Okay, that surprised me a bit.

"Is it gone?" they asked, their voice distinctly feminine.
"I think so," I said.
The Pony sighed in relief and climbed out of the box, emerging from the alley to meet me. A seafoam-coloured mare with a Unicorn horn on her head, and a long, navy blue mane. I wasn't certain, but she looked to be about my age.
"I'm so lucky you came along," she sighed. "If you weren't there to be a distraction, I'd be timberwolf chow by now."
"I was almost timberwolf chow by now," I remarked with a glare.
"But you weren't, so it worked out for both of us!" She grinned. "Seriously though, thanks for the helping hoof."
I would've been more upset at her attitude, but I could see the gratitude in those purple eyes.
"No biggie," I said. "Why was that thing after you anyway?"
"I have no idea," she admitted with a shrug. "I just went to find some zap apples, then it just came after me. They usually don't come this far into town either."
I noddded. Part of me wanted to ask what a zap apple was, but all the other parts were too tired and frazzled to care.
"Say, I don't think I've seen you around before," she said. "You new in town?"
"Yeah, just moved here," I confirmed. "I'm Sharp Sight."
"Rivershine." She smiled more honestly. "Nice to meet ya, new guy."
"Same to you," I said. "You want me to walk you home? Wherever that is?"
"Nah, I think I'm good now," she insisted, tapping her horn. "I won't get caught off guard again. Plus, I've got my new timberwolf bait, so if I get in trouble, I know who to call."
I cocked an eyebrow at her cheeky grin.
"I better get going," she said, starting to trot off. "Nice meeting you, Sharp!"
"You too," I called back. "See you around."

Once Rivershine was out of sight, I breathed a sigh of relief and trudged toward home. I could finally get some rest without getting eaten. I pushed through the door and flopped into bed, my legs feeling much heavier than usual.

"...wait," I murmured, cracking an eye open. "She called that thing a timberwolf... and it was made of sticks..."

I groaned into my pillow for a solid minute before falling asleep.