“So to recap,” Pinkie said, walking alongside him. “We’re going to fight a dragon and rescue a princess for Tirek, so that he’ll give you back your dimension, which you’re only doing because he filled it with ponies in the first place? And he might send the ponies somewhere even worse after we do this?”
Discord grunted. “First of all...I’m doing this. There is no ‘we’. You can leave anytime you want. In fact, please do!” He shoved through a row of crops. “Secondly, I don’t know why I should care about what happens to those ponies later. They’ve never given a second thought about disturbing me, so why should I care about their well-being?”
Pinkie ignored his hints and bounced along, not pushing past plants, but still easily getting past them. “I just don’t get it,” she said. “Why didn’t you use some of your chaos magic on him? Spook him into doing what you wanted?”
He sighed, rolling his eyes. “Oh, I know!” he said. “I should have hypnotized him into doing my bidding, sent half of his kingdom into another dimension—that’s not mine—and transformed the other half into a chaotic playground of madness!” He turned back to Pinkie, who looked a little pale. “Is that something you would have wanted to see?”
“Well...not really, no,” she said. “But…”
“But what?” he said. “I should have done something anyway? Waste my magic on this...frankly rather boring dimension, just to push things a little in my favor?”
“Well...maybe just a little,” she said. “Isn’t that what you always do?”
“No,” he grunted. “For your information, there’s more to draconequui than you ponies think, with your heads full of sunshine and fluff…”
“Oooh, example?” she asked, her good mood still undeterred.
“Example...uh...” he stared forward a bit blankly. “Well...draconequui...are like straws!” For emphasis, he snapped off a stalk of some sort of plant, and with a bit of magic, it morphed into a straw.
Pinkie tilted her head. “They hurt the environment?”
“Yes!” he said. “Wait, no!...well, when we want to, yes, but no!”
“They’re hollow?”
“No!” Discord said, gesturing to his torso. “I have organs in here, you know!”
She grinned and jumped up and down, taking a deep breath. “Oh! You get a paper one, and you use it a couple times, but because the paper ones are more environmentally friendly they're also less efficient and they get all soggy and you wished you hadn't used it in the first place despite them making you feel environmentally conscious?!?”
“NO!” he shouted. “Straws are flexible! Flexible! Adaptable! Malleable!” He tapped the straw roughly on her forehead, making it bend. “They change based on the situation, and they give forms to things that shouldn’t have it!” He turned away, tossing the straw aside in disgust.
“Oh, flexible,” she said. “You’re flexible and give form to things…” She paused, deep in thought. He kept walking forward, hoping that her thoughts would keep her busy long enough that he could lose her.
“You know...some ponies don’t use straws. The analogy might not work…” she said. She gasped and ran back up to him. “Mint molds! They change the form of things, and they’re flexible! And everyone loves cream cheese mints!”
“I don’t care what everyone loves!” he snapped. “Draconequui are like straws, not mint molds!”
“You know what else everyone else loves?” she continued. “Parfaits! They’re delicious, and you can put different ingredients in them, so you could call them chaotic!”
“Draconequui are not parfaits!” he snapped at her, whirling around and pressing his finger into her muzzle. “You dense, annoying, ridiculously eyesore of a pony! We are like straws, end of story! Goodbye.”
He snorted and stormed away, hoping deep down that she would be too frozen to follow. Unfortunately, the hoofsteps right behind her told her that wasn’t the case. “Parfaits might be the most delicious thing in the world,” she said conversationally. “Especially if there are cake and ice cream layers in them. Those are the best.”
Discord sighed, rolling his eyes. “I think I preferred your humming,” he said. He swallowed thickly before his stomach ended up growling. Later, he told himself. At a time where she won’t spot it and hold it over me.
“Can we grab ice cream along the way?” Pinkie asked. “I can make cupcakes and make those special parfaits if we grab ice cream. Are you able to make ice cream with magic?” He sighed and rolled his eyes again, trying to mentally prepare himself for the long, long journey he would be facing.
They traveled on hoof the next few days. Teleporting there was extremely tempting, but without a clear idea of where he was going...it was too risky to teleport too far and use too much magic. That didn’t stop him from complaining every time his feet felt sore, though.
Pinkie still followed him every step of his way, her upbeat attitude not even slightly damped by his sour and snarky one. She kept offering songs and snacks to cheer him up—he strongly denied the first but accepted the second—and helped set up camp each night, whenever the sun had set and it was too dark to see where they were even stepping. He almost considered continuing on and trying to lose her, but...walking was exhausting. He passed out as soon as he laid down!
...and Pinkie didn’t make the worst meals ever. Her desserts were pretty good, he had to admit. Still, that didn’t make hearing her ramble on any less irritating. Especially as they got further and further from his dimension, and the terrain became rockier as they approached a tall set of mountains.
“...and that’s how my sister Maud taught me how to make our special rock candy,” she said, finishing one of her latest childhood stories. The two of them were in the middle of scaling a large mountain with dark rocks, the sky overhead dark and ominous.
He sighed, lifting up and rubbing at his sore dragon foot. “Since you’re so experienced,” he said. “Couldn’t you use a little bit of that rock knowledge to find a path around the mountains? Perhaps one with less sharp rocks?” He lifted up his goat hoof and picked out a good-sized pebble from the crack.
“Sorry, I’m not as much of an expert as the rest of my family,” she said, skillfully bouncing up and over a few large boulders. “Besides, isn’t the Keep supposed to be surrounded by mountains? If we went around, we might miss it, silly!”
He opened his mouth to protest...then closed it, letting out a huff of frustration through his nose. He grumbled to himself as he continued climbing up the mountain after the nimble pink pony.
Pinkie continued hopping up the side of the mountain, smiling and seemingly undeterred by the hard rock. She suddenly stopped in place, giving him the chance to catch up. Her muzzle was raised into the air.
“...do you smell nachos?” she suddenly asked, sniffing at the air.
He sighed, rolling his eyes. “Pinkie, please. We’re in the middle of nowhere, and the only creatures probably around here are a pony princess and a dragon. Why would there be…” He paused, sniffing at the air himself. The air did smell strongly of boiling cheese…
“Huh,” he said. “That’s...interesting.” He continued clambering up the mountain, peering over the side. Down below, there was a lake of what appeared to be glowing, boiling, roiling...nacho cheese. Right in the middle, on a rocky cliff, there was an old, dilapidated stone castle.
“Very interesting…” he said, frowning in thought as Pinkie came to his side. “Are we sure we have the right castle? This has to be magic, but it’s way too creative of an obstacle for ponies to have made it.”
“I don’t think there are any other old castles nearby with lava...sorry, boiling liquid of some kind around them,” Pinkie said. “...how can the boiling cheese be coming out of the ground?”
He sniffed at the air again. Underneath the heavy smell of cheese, he could just barely pick up the faintest trace of magic. “Magic,” he answered simply. “Can’t tell what sort of creature cast this spell, though...maybe they turned a mountain into a boiling-cheese volcano, or the lava in a volcano into cheese.” He shrugged and headed over the rim of the mountain, towards a small, old wooden bridge that stretched towards the castle.
“Frankly, why they chose to cast this spell and who cast it doesn’t matter,” he said. “I mean, it’s slightly original, but they could have done so much more with this idea! So it’s worth maybe...a quarter of a creativity point. Ponies as a whole are still vastly uncreative and boring.”
“A lake of boiling cheese seems pretty creative to me!” Pinkie said cheerfully, bouncing along beside him.
He sighed, rolling his eyes. “Of course it does, because you’re a pony. You don’t consider how so much more could have been done!” He gestured to the area around them. “What about a mountain of chips? What about jalapeno boulders, or sour cream foam splashing against the mountainside?”
“Oooh,” Pinkie said. “And an onion-and-olive bridge, maybe?”
He opened his mouth to argue against it, then clicked his mouth shut. “That...is a decent idea,” he said. No way was he going to tell a pony that they had come up with an idea that was more than decently chaotic.
He came to a stop at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the boiling lake, and then at the old bridge. Up close, it seemed even older, the ropes worn and frayed and a few of the panels starting to rot away.
“This seems dangerous,” he said, approaching and tapping one of the bridge’s support poles. It quivered, but didn’t snap in two or anything.
He had to fight a devious grin from spreading on his face. He turned to Pinkie, setting his face into a serious expression. “You know,” he said. “The way this bridge looks, the slightest breeze could cause it to snap apart, or crumble into dust. And step on the wrong plank...the next thing you know, you’ll be bathing in nacho cheese!”
“Just stepping onto this could lead right to death,” he said in a grave voice, staring intently at her. Most likely she’d be scared off, at least enough that she wouldn’t dare to cross…
“Thanks for the warning!” she said cheerfully, stepping towards the bridge. “But this will all be fine. I’ve seen worse bridges than this hold up just fine.” She hummed a little to herself as he took a few steps forward.
His jaw dropped. “Wha...you’re not frightened at all by the chance things could go wrong here?”
“Of course I am!” she said as he slowly followed behind her, holding onto the ropes. “But Granny Pie taught me that hiding from your fears isn’t the way to deal with them at all! That I just needed to face them. All you gotta do is—”
She took a deep breath, and Discord winced. “If this is leading into a song, please don’t,” he said. “Or else...I’ll start rocking the bridge!”
The first note died on her lips. She froze mid-step and turned to look at him. “You wouldn’t.”
“I would,” he said. “I’ve already said ‘no songs’. If rocking an extremely old bridge you’re on over a lake of boiling liquid is what it’ll take you to stop, I will do it!”
“Not even...a short reprise?” she asked, bouncing a few more planks ahead. She took a deep breath, placing a hoof against her chest.
“No. No. No!” he said. He gripped the ropes and swayed his long body back and forth, causing the bridge to sway back and forth.
Pinkie squeaked and froze in place, gripping the ropes to keep her balance. The bridge swang left, then right, then left...and slowly came to a stop. Discord let out a deep breath, then continued forward. Pinkie slowly moved forward, one plank at a time.
Suddenly, a plank broke under one of her hoofs. She yelped and reared back, knocking into his stomach. “...giggle at the ghosty,” he heard her quietly sing under her breath.
He bore his teeth, pinning his ears back against his skull. With a quiet, low growl, he continued to rock his body. The bridge continued to swing.
“Cordy, Cordy!” she said, jumping over the gap and hopping a few planks forward. “It was only a hint of the chorus!” She skipped forward as the bridge kept swinging. “I don’t think this bridge was built to be used like this!”
He followed after her, one step at a time, flapping his wings just in case any other planks were too unstable for his weight. The bridge continued to swing, without that much further encouragement from him. Pinkie still seemed a little nervous with every sway, though, and he swore he saw her mouthing the words to whatever song she was using to give herself false bravery. He scowled, glaring at her and daring her to sing aloud, to test his patience as he was moving towards her right above a boiling lake...
His hoof and claws clicked against solid stone, interrupting his thoughts. He and Pinkie both blinked, looking down. In the midst of their back-and-forth, they had fully crossed the remainder of the bridge.
“...ah,” he said, looking back up. He narrowed his eyes at her. “You’d better not try to finish this song...or try to start a new one!”
“Aww,” she said, following him as he strode towards the looming front doors of the castle. “Not even on the way back?”
“I will pick you up and drop you over the side of the bridge,” he said bluntly.
“...what if the princess wants to hear a song?” she asked. “Or sing one about how she’s happy about being freed?”
He stared blankly, freezing in place. A sweet, sappy song, a duet between two mares who would probably become best friends before the song was even over...he gagged. “I’ll tie both of your muzzles shut, or eat my own ears,” he said. “Whichever’s easier.”
“So, um…” Pinkie said, glancing around. “Where’s the fire-breathing danger, anyway?”
“Inside, waiting to be rescued,” he said, pushing open the old wooden doors. They creaked loudly, the sound echoing through the stone halls. “...or did you mean the dragon?” he asked with a chuckle.
“Yes, I meant the dragon,” she said, giving him a Look that said he wasn’t that funny. He just rolled his eyes and headed deeper into the castle, his claws and hoof clicking against the stone floor.
The inside of the castle was dark, though a few small rivers of cheese were flowing throughout, giving the area a faint magical glow. A few pony skeletons were littered about, most of them wearing armor...and a lot of them looking burnt and smelling like burnt cheese. Pinkie shivered, stepping closer and wrapping her forelegs around his goat leg, humming to herself.
He shook her off and stepped closer to a group of knights. Maybe they were working together, or maybe one knight after another had rushed forward and fallen in the same spot...it was morbidly funny.
Most of the armor was badly rusted, or had pieces missing...although two of them had intact helmets. Discord hummed, an idea forming in his mind. “Lots of skeletons around,” he said, pulling the two good helmets off of the skulls. One of them was pretty stuck, so he had to tug at it quite hard. The skull popped off and rolled away. “What do you think: the dragon’s too lazy to clean, likes the decor, or hates the taste of pony?”
“I’d rather not think about that,” Pinkie said, standing a good distance away from the skeletons. She jumped out of the way as the skull rolled past, making him roll his eyes (and suppress a smirk).
He looked between the two helmets. He tried one of them on (after giving it an extra shake to make sure nothing else was hiding in there). It pinched his ears a bit, and it was a bit loose around his muzzle, but it fit as well as a pony's helmet could.
Tossing the other over his shoulder, he snapped his fingers. The helmet shifted, becoming a bit more comfortable, as extra magic poured into it.
"Why do you need a helmet?" Pinkie asked. "And, do you really want to take it from..." She swallowed and glanced at a nearby skeleton.
"It's not like they're going to miss it," he said. "And the helmet is for protection and disguise."
"...I'm not sure it'll make for great protection or disguise," she said tactfully. "You might want more armor pieces for that."
"I know that," he said. "That's what my magic is for."
"Oh, you used magic on the helmet?" she asked, curiosity piqued. "What'd you put on it?"
"An easy enchantment," he said. "And relatively simple...anyone who sees me might recognize that I'm not a pony, but they won't realize I'm a draconequus."
Pinkie blinked and tilted her head, staring at him. "I don't think it's working," she said.
"Because you already know I'm a draconequus, you pink puffball," he said. "All that matters is that the princess doesn't start screaming or crying or trying to run away when she sees me."
“You really think she’d do that?” Pinkie said.
“Of course,” he said. “She’s a princess. If she doesn’t faint, she’ll panic about going from the clutches of one ‘monster’ to another.” He adjusted the helmet on his head. “Now...let’s start looking for stairs.”
“I thought we were looking for a princess,” she said, poking her nose into nooks and crannies.
He sighed. “The princess is in the tallest tower,” he said. “Obviously, since that’s where every princess is locked up in every castle. No originality...” He shook his head. “Anyways, we find the stairs, we find the princess. Go start looking...over there somewhere.” He waved her off in the opposite direction he was heading in.
“Right...stairs,” she said. “You deal with the dragon, I’ll find the stairs, and we can both leave quickly…”
“That’s the general idea,” he said, heading forward and deeper into the castle. Pinkie glanced back and forth between him and the direction he had told her to go in. Finally, with a deep breath, she headed off into the castle alone.
“Stairs...stairs,” she mumbled to herself as she pushed through another set of double doors. They creaked loudly, but she continued moving, undeterred. “But there’s lots of stairs. I’ll need to find all the stairs, so we can figure out the best stairs.”
She smiled a bit, hopping up a few dilapidated steps that she found. “Here’s a few stairs, but probably not what he’s hoping for,” she said. She giggled, allowing some of her nervousness to melt away.
But while she was enjoying the small piece of humor she found—she failed to notice the large, emerald green opening right behind her, a thin black pupil focusing on her.
Meanwhile, Discord had only moved through one more hallway before he entered a brick courtyard. A few weeds grew between the cracks in the stone, surprisingly, but he was more focused on looking up.
A stone tower loomed ahead. A large window was towards its top, a light shining from inside. “Well…there’s the princess,” he said, adjusting his helmet to see a little better. “Now hopefully we can get her and get out without running into the—”
“DRAGON!” he heard Pinkie shriek. His head whipped around towards the direction of her voice.
He had looked just in time to see her dodging a large jet of fire...no, boiling melted cheese! Pinkie yelped and scrambled towards him as the liquid cheese dripped along the floor and walls.
Suddenly, a huge dragon burst through the wall, chasing after Pinkie and roaring loudly. Its scales were a bright orange, with brown spikes sticking up on its head and back. And naturally, its teeth were sharp, and longer than a pony’s foreleg.
Before he could notice anything else about it, the dragon opened its jaws, cheese starting to bubble up in the back of its throat. “Pinkie!” Discord shouted as she made a beeline towards him. “Look out!”
Pinkie’s eyelids fluttered, her ears flapping about. Just as the stream of cheese shot towards her, she dived to the right...leaving Discord directly in the path of the breath weapon. He fell to the left just in time, but he could feel the tips of his fur sizzling and scorching from the heat.
“Death by melted cheese is not what I had hoped for,” he grumbled, crawling backwards before any of it could land on him. “I am not a fondue snack!”
The dragon roared, probably not caring about his opinions. It glanced between the strange creature that was prone on the ground and the pink, quivering pony that was watching it warily...and started to move towards Pinkie.
Pinkie yelped and scrambled backwards about a foot or so. The dragon growled and reared its head back, and Discord noticed Pinkie’s knees start to shudder. With a yelp, she turned around and dropped to the ground, covering her head with her hooves...just as a stream of boiling cheese shot overhead, barely grazing the top of her poofy mane and tail.
The dragon continued to march towards Pinkie. “Oh no you don’t,” Discord growled, having managed to get back to his feet. He rushed forward and wrapped his arms around the dragon’s tail, his claws scrabbling against the scales until he found purchase in between them, hopefully digging into the dragon’s skin.
“Gotcha!” he said with a grin. With a bit of magic, he gave himself a burst of strength, enough to tug on the dragon’s heavy tail. The dragon snarled and whipped its head around to glare at him, so it didn’t seem to appreciate that.
He watched as Pinkie jumped to her hooves, running away and into a short, nearby tower. He sighed slightly in relief, his grip slightly loosening on the dragon’s tail.
The dragon looked between where Pinkie had disappeared, and the annoyance clinging to its tail. The tail shifted, causing his feet to skid slightly across the stone ground.
“...I didn’t think this through,” Discord said, his face going pale as the dragon turned its head to glare at him. Apparently he was the bigger annoyance...and possibly the easiest to deal with at the moment.
Its tail rocked back and forth, and so he tightened his grip, digging his feet into the ground. The dragon kept whipping its tail until it managed to actually lift Discord from the ground, swinging him through the air.
“Hah! It’ll take more than this to stop—” Before he could finish his boast, the dragon flicked his tail forward, causing his claws to slip away from the scales. He started to sail right over the dragon’s head, right past its large jaws.
Fortunately, he was able to use magic and wings to twist and twirl around in the air, landing on his feet right on the edge of a convenient hole in the side of the princess’s tower. “And that...is a ten-point landing,” he said smugly. “Just as planned.” At least, that’s what I’ll tell Pinkie…
Still, Pinkie had run off, and there was an angry dragon barely a few feet away—while he was at the perfect height to be hit with a breath weapon. That was all the motivation he needed to duck into the tower’s stairwell.
The dragon roared angrily, and he watched as boiling cheese sprayed into the stairwell. He pressed against the wall next to the hole, avoiding the attack, even though he felt the heat on his skin.
With another roar, he heard the dragon turn away. Hopefully Pinkie can handle herself for a few minutes, he thought. He stepped out onto the center of the stairs and started heading up them.
Pinkie, meanwhile, had scrambled up the short tower’s stairs and was dashing across the bridge it led to. The dragon had been briefly distracted, maybe long enough for her to get away…!
Her tail started to twitch, and the knees of her forelegs started to pinch. With a gasp, she dug her hooves into the stone, screeching to a stop. A second later, a dragon tail smashed into the bridge, blocking her path!
With a yelp, she scrambled and turned the other way—but the dragon was already there, his front claws perched on the bridge as his head towered above. It roared in her face, spraying flecks of nacho cheese everywhere and making her back up as much as she could, bumping into his tail.
“Oh no, oh no!” she said. “W-what large teeth you have! Which are really, really shiny, by the way! And that’s after your nacho cheese breath—that’s super impressive! You must bleach or something, because that’s a dazzling smile you’ve got there!” The dragon blinked in surprise, dropping their ferocious snarl and instead regarding her with curiosity. “And you know what else, you know what else, you’re…”
She stared at him, searching for something else to ramble about and keep herself out of a dragon’s jaw for just a few seconds longer. The dragon smiled, showing off their fangs, and swallowed nervously...drawing Pinkie’s attention to the large Adam's apple on their throat.
“A boy dragon!” she said in realization. “Aww, of course! Why didn’t I see it? Boys love nachos! I mean, mares too, but I feel like I see boys eat them more often, y’know!?” He nodded, confirming her realization and observation.
“But hey!” she said. “Instead of blistering me with super hot nacho cheese, you should let me go! ‘Cause I gotta tell ya, I’ll bet if I were you, I’d be super-duper-LOOPER tired of the taste of nacho breath all the time!” He nodded, a bit sadly. “You’re probably thinking, ‘gosh, I’d really just like a cupcake for once!’ But you poor thing, you can’t even get to a ye olde grocery store, can ya?” He shook his head.
“But you’re in luck! My Pinkie Sense told me to bring some of these!” She reached into her mane and pulled out a cupcake, dropping it on the bridge between the two of them. “Here ya go! So don’t melt me up, ‘kay? The scales on your head kinda look like a floofy mane, and we floof-heads gotta stick together!”
With his tail still blocking her path, he leaned down and curiously sniffed the cupcake. “Yup! There ya go!” she said. “I’ll bet you like chocolate peanut butter, huh?”
“So you can have allllll of that, and then let me go, and then we can just take that princess, and you get the cupcake, and we all go on our merry way and you never see me ever again! Everyone’s happy!”
The dragon nabbed the cupcake with his teeth and tossed it into the air. He snapped it up and swallowed it as it fell, licking his lips and smiling. “Great!” she said. “Have a baker’s dozen!” She reached into her mane and tossed a small pile of cupcakes onto the bridge. “Eat it niiiice and slowly…” She began slowly backing away, trying to get around his tail.
His head snapped back up towards her, and he leaned in close, staring at her intently. His nostrils flared.
“Oh, no no, Mr. Cheese Dragon, you don’t want me, remember?” she said, inching back. “You want the cupcakes! And I gave you a whole baker’s dozen! Juuust enough to make you forget about the princess in the tower, which I definitely don’t want to help Discord take! Nope!”
Cheese Dragon glanced between the tower, the pile of cupcakes, and Pinkie...and then leaned closer to Pinkie, grinning. “Um…” she said, starting to sweat.
He began to sniff at Pinkie curiously. She backed away, and he bowed his head, still keeping his eyes trained on her. Suddenly, her left eye twitched, and her tail flicked violently left and right. She gasped.
“Oh no...my Pinkie sense is telling me...You…” She backed away more quickly. “YOU THINK I’M HOT!”
He blushed a little, and nodded slightly. He blew a cloud of nacho-smelling smoke in her direction...in the shape of a heart.
“Well, that’s um, really sweet,” she said, inching away. “But I’m uh, I’m an asthmatic, so I don’t think that will work out, with you making nacho smoke rings and all that stuff…” The dragon frowned and covered his snout with his claws, looking at her with wide, sad eyes.
She whimpered at the look he gave her. “I’m sorry…!” She turned and shouted in the direction of the princess’s tower, “Discord!”
The dragon sniffed and closed both of his nostrils, carefully gripping her fluffy tail in between his teeth. He lifted her up with a lovestruck expression on his face.
“No! Discord! Cordy! Cordy!” Pinkie continued to shout as the dragon carried her further into the castle, making sure to be careful with her.
Princess Fluttershy had dared to allow herself to hope, when she heard Cheese Sandwich the dragon start to roar and fight someone, someone she hadn’t been able to see. Had her rescuer finally arrived?
But each time before this, her hopes had been dashed. And so, she tried to clamp that hope down, waiting for the sound of fighting to be over, and then for Cheese to peer up at her tower and solemnly shake his head, for her dreams to be torn away again...but still, there was a tiny spark of hope.
The fighting and shouting stopped quickly this time...but Cheese didn’t show up. Curious, she peeked out of her window, but didn’t see her dragon captor anywhere. Despite the small sorrow in her heart that Cheese had possibly been killed, she couldn’t stop the spark of hope that began to grow. Could it be that...finally, a knight had won?
She hurried to her door and pressed her ear against the door. It was faint, and a bit far away, but...yes, she could hear a shuffling sound, and hoofsteps coming up the stone stairs!
Hope bloomed in her chest, and she couldn’t help but dance a little giddily. She quickly unlocked the door, then checked herself in the mirror. Her mane was fine, nice and brushed, her dress still looked nice, her gold necklace sparkled against her coat...her rescuer was here!
Happily, she went back to her bed and laid on her back, placing her head against the pillow. She had imagined this day for so long...and thank goodness, they hadn’t come at night, like she had been worried about for a while...she shook her head. Today wasn’t a day for worrying, not at all.
She reached to the glass vase beside her bed, where a large white lily was being kept fresh with water. She picked it up and held it between her hooves, with it placed against her chest, just under her chin, as she peacefully laid on her back.
But oh, she was too anxious to just sit still, knowing her knight would be here soon! She shifted, adjusting her dress slightly before gripping the lily between her front hooves again. She closed her eyes, listening intently as she heard hoofsteps approaching from the stairs.
Would this finally be it? Was her rescuer finally here? She had dreamed about this day for years, but now that it was happening, her heart was racing, nervousness pooling in the pit of her stomach.
Just stay calm, she thought to herself, swallowing. Her throat was so dry...she could only hope her lips weren’t chapped. There wasn’t time to do anything about it. Just stay calm, and wait…
Her nervousness reached a fever pitch as she heard the door creak open. It took all of her willpower to keep her eyes closed instead of stealing a glance at her knight, and she clung tightly to the lily’s stem to hide the fact her hooves were trembling.
Discord opened the door, adjusting his helmet. Good thing it hadn’t fallen off...it would have been a pain to remake the enchantment.
The room here was very small, though still clearly designed for royalty—a small chandelier hung from the ceiling, a couple of tapestries were on the wall, a rug was on the floor...and there was a bed right across from him, right under the window. A yellow pegasus in a green dress was asleep on the bed, holding a pure white lily against her chest.
Ugh. Did all princesses train themselves to even sleep in what was the most cliche way possible? He rolled his eyes as he approached.
The air held still for a second as he stood right by her bedside. The light streaming through the window was soft, and everything was silent. For a brief moment, he had the odd sense that there was an almost...expectant feeling in the air. He could also swear that she was starting to pucker her lips, just the slightest bit.
He promptly discarded the idea, grabbed the pegasus’s shoulders, and violently shook her.
“Waagh!” she said as she head flopped up and down onto the pillow, now awake.
“Wake up!” he hissed at her. “Are you Princess Fluttershy? I’m guessing you are, since this is the only tower in this area I’ve heard of that has a technicolor yellow bird horse inside.”
“I-I am!” she said, blinking and shaking her head to recover from being shaken. She smiled softly, sitting up and leaning forward. “Awaiting a knight so brave as to rescue me!”
“Uh huh, yeah, that’s great,” Discord said, glancing around and keeping one of his ears perked up. “Now let’s go!” He grasped her foreleg and tugged her up and onto her hooves.
“B-but Sir Knight!” she protested, digging her hooves into the ground as he tried to lead her to the door. “This is...be-ith our first meeting? Shouldn’t it be a wonderful, romantic scene?” She batted her eyelashes at him.
“Oh, gag me with a spoon,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Except that we have no spoons, and no time!”
Her face fell, her expression shifting between confusion and sadness. “Well...can I...at least know the name of my rescuer?”
“Um...Discord,” he said, still tugging her along. He finally managed to get her onto the stairwell, at least.
She inhaled deeply. “Sir...Discord. I pray you take this as a token of my gratitude.” She reached into her dress, then offered him a pure-white handkerchief, embroidered with golden thread along its edges.
“Thanks!” he said, plucking it out of her hoof. “Embroidery is a bit too perfect for my taste, but it’ll do.”
“O-oh…” she said, looking heartbroken and offended.
He took a bite out of the cloth. “Mmph, good material, though. Is that silk?”
She gave a horrified gasp as her embroidery work disappeared into his jaws. She appeared completely mortified, and even more confused and offended.
“Hey!” he said, snapping up the rest in a few bites. “You gave it as a gift, which gives me the right to use it as my dietary fiber should I choose to use it as such. But what I need even more is to find the pink terror and get all of us out here!”
She chuckled nervously, glancing around and trying to think of a way to make the most of this...off-script, less than ideal situation. “Ahem...alright...well! Shouldn’t you escort me out yonder window?” She gestured back to the window in her room, batting her eyelashes.
“Nah, I just ate,” he said, continuing down the stairwell. “I prefer to let myself digest before using window-based chaos.”
“...but sheesh, you’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?” he said as he passed the hole he had used to enter the tower.
“Mhmm,” she said, reluctantly following behind him, dragging her hooves a bit. “It is what you’re supposed to do after slaying the dragon, after all!”
Discord was silent, and she remembered the rest of his unorthodox behavior. “...because you definitely slayed the dragon, right?” she continued, her eyelid starting to twitch.
“Slay the dragon?” he said. “Where’s the fun in that?”
She froze in place, then forced a laugh. “Ha ha...I’m sorry, what!?”
“I find that it’s much more chaotic if you keep the dragon alive and motivated,” he said as though it was perfectly normal. “Hold tight, bird horse princess!” He scooped her up under her forelegs and stepped out of the hole, gliding towards the stone bridge below.
She stammered in complete shock. “You didn’t slay the dragon!? Or trap him, or...or do anything besides irritate him!?”
“It has cheese breath,” he said as he landed, dropping her back on her hooves. “I didn’t think slaying it was necessary. Aren’t you frou-frou princesses supposed to love animals anyway, or something?”
“It’s...not like I want Cheese Sandwich to...to die…” she said guiltily, scuffing the ground. “If he could stay alive, if we could all get out of this safely, I would be relieved… But, I’m allergic to cheese! If he gets near me...b-besides, if you don’t at least trap him or anything, he’ll...someone will get hurt!”
“Ohhh, I see! I get it now!” he said, “My eyes see the light! That just because this creature was born with a trait it had no choice in, a trait that inconveniences you personally, as a species it had no choice about, then it’s okay to treat it worse! Of course, of course, I keep forgetting that you’re more than just a princess that can’t even leave a tower—you’re a pony, too! Which is synonymous with entitled hypocrite!” He jabbed his claw against her nose.
She stared at him blankly for a few moments, her eyes widening as she reeled back. He scoffed and turned away, continuing forward. “Anyway!” he said. “Regardless of whether the dragon’s been stopped or all monarchs and ponies are hypocrites, there is something I need to take care of before we can actually leave. I gotta go save the annoying pink one.”
“...pink one?” she asked, her brow furrowing.
“Yeah, I brought another mare with me,” he said casually. “I should probably grab her on the way out.”
“And...you’re just going around, traveling with and saving several mares?” she said, raising an eyebrow.
“If it makes you angry to see it that way, then...yes,” he said, turning and heading down a hallway that smelled the strongest of draconic nachos. That large door at the very end seemed to be a likely place… “Now excuse me while I go grab her. It sounds like she’s gotten herself an unwanted admirer.”
She stood in place, gaping at him for a moment. “...what kind of knight are you?” she asked, sounding almost aghast.
He paused for a moment as he pressed a hand against one of the wooden double doors. “One of a kind,” he said, turning back for a moment and smirking at her. After taking a moment to watch her stunned reaction, opening and closing her mouth, he turned back around and silently pushed the door open.
The room inside was very large, big enough that the dragon could comfortably fit—which it was. Its attention was currently focused on the pink terror, wrapped up in its tail and sitting on a large pile of...rubber chickens.
“Now, uh, you seem like a real nice guy and all, and I have to admire someone dedicated to collecting joke items,” Pinkie babbled. “But, you know...the asthma, and I’m always on the road so much, so maybe we should just start off as pen pals?”
The dragon just smiled, his claws gently patting down a stray strand of Pinkie’s fluffy mane. He glanced around the room for a few moments, and Discord quickly ducked behind the door. No point in ruining a good chance for a sneak attack. The dragon’s eyes flicked over the metal chandelier above, the assortment of rubber chickens below...finally landing on a metal bowl.
The giant reptile reached for the bowl, leaning up towards the chandelier. He breathed a very fine jet of boiling cheese over the candles, causing the wicks to suddenly light from the heat. Discord shivered, feeling suddenly very glad that he hadn’t gotten hit by that.
Meanwhile, he brought over the bowl and breathed a large amount of cheese in it, suddenly dropping a large amount of chips in, as well. He offered the hot snack food to Pinkie with a hopeful grin.
Pinkie grinned widely, but the corners of her mouth were twitching, and her eyes betrayed how nervous and anxious she was. “Um, thank you, but I...I had a big breakfast, so uh, not feeling too hungry…”
He didn’t think he could stand anymore of her babbling, or watching the dragon try to woo her. “You like pies, huh?” he said, eyes gleaming with an idea. With a roll of his eyes and a snap of his fingers, he teleported her out of the ‘treasure’ hoard and to his side, a giant box with a lever on its side taking her place. Cheese snorted in surprise, dropping the bowl of nachos.
Pinkie blinked as she appeared in a flash of light, looking around in confusion. Her eyes locked on him, and she beamed. “Cordy!” She rushed forward for a hug, but he placed his paw against her face and held her back a foot or so, her forelegs extending uselessly towards him.
“...Sir Discord?” the princess whispered, creeping forward with her head down. Pinkie was still waving her forelegs in the air, trying to hug him. “Shouldn’t we leave now?”
“In a minute,” he said, waving her off. With a flick of his tail feathers, the lever of the box began to turn, a simple jack-in-the-box tune playing. Cheese blinked and began to nod to the music, though he still looked very confused. “I want to see this.”
“I just think—” Before she could finish, he pushed Pinkie away and towards her. They could talk to each other about escape and sunshine and rainbows and whatever else ponies thought of...as long as they didn’t distract him too much. He chuckled and rubbed his hands together. This had to be one of his best ideas yet!
“Hi, your majesty!” Pinkie said brightly, holding her hoof out to the princess. “I’m Pinkie Pie! Nice to meet you.”
“H-hi,” she said, taking Pinkie’s hoof. Pinkie shook it vigorously enough that her head started bobbing up and down. “It’s...nice to meet you. I’m...Flutter, er, Princess Fluttershy.”
Discord leaned away from the two of them, poking his head through the door to get a closer look at his ingenious plan. The dragon was still too confused by the running jack-in-the-box to have noticed him at all. He chuckled quietly to himself, rubbing his hands together.
Cheese Sandwich tilted his head, sniffing at the box. The lever continued to turn, the chime playing and becoming faster and faster with each loop.
“Sir Discord, I really think we should go…” the princess said, grabbing his wrist and trying to tug him away.
He pulled his paw away and shushed her. “I don’t want to miss this! Oh, this is going to be gold…” Already, he could barely contain his grin.
The lever of the box began to slow down, the music gradually slowing with it. The last few notes played, the pauses in between them growing increasingly longer. The lever and music both came to a stop, and for a few moments, everything was still and silent.
Then, the top of the box popped open. A donkey-like puppet sprang out, flinging a gigantic pie into the dragon’s face. A tinny cackling sound came from the box as whipped cream and shampoo covered Cheese’s face.
Cheese roared in both surprise and pain, flailing backwards and swatting at the pie. He managed to knock the tin away, and began to furiously rub at his eyes, trying to get the stinging shampoo out.
Discord clasped his hands over his mouth, trying to stifle his giggles...but he just couldn’t help it. He leaned against the wall and placed a hand on his chest, guffawing. “Oh, that’s just priceless!” he said, laughing so hard he was starting to tear up. “The look on his face! Ah ha ha ha!”
He kept laughing and laughing...until Pinkie tapped his side. “What?” he said, flicking a tear out of his eye with his claw.
Both she and the princess were standing completely still, their eyes wide and faces pale as they stared straight ahead. Pinkie pointed forward. He slowly turned his head to see what had spooked them...and froze in place.
Cheese Sandwich had raised his head to the level of the door and was glaring right at the three of them. There were still flecks of whipped cream and shampoo suds covering his face, and his emerald eyes looked red and irritated. Discord swallowed, hoping he was still at least a little blinded...but the way the draconic pupils focused on him and narrowed disproved that.
Cheese roared in anger, showing off his impressive fangs to Discord as boiling cheese bubbled in the back of his throat. “Run!” the princess shrieked. Pinkie didn’t need any further encouragement, jumping into the air with her legs peddling before zipping down the hall in a pink blur.
The princess galloped right behind her, looking back over her shoulder at Discord. He gulped, taking a few steps backwards as the dragon glared him down...and then turned and ran right after the two mares.
There was an angry roar behind him, and the sound of something very large crashing through the doors and possibly the wall. Discord felt sweat form on his brow, and a bit of heat on his back encouraged him to use a little magic to catch up to the others. Heavy, fast footsteps caused the floor to shake and told him the dragon wasn’t far behind them.
He and the princess caught up to Pinkie, who sped up once they were close enough. The three of them continued running. “Right!” Pinkie shouted as they approached a fork in the corridor. They all made a sharp turn, and Discord prayed that Pinkie remembered the shortest way to the exit. They weren’t heading deeper into the keep, as far as he could tell, at least...
“Being chased for my life really isn’t the rescue I was hoping for,” the princess panted, galloping at his left. “I really don’t think taunting Cheesy was a bright idea. He’s sensitive.”
Discord scoffed as they turned another corner. “I’m puh-lenty bright, princess,” he said. “And it’s not like you’re the only one getting chased here! He’s not being sensitive to us at all!” The dragon roared from far behind...but not far enough. “Just keep running, would you!?”
“I am running,” she said. “But...I don’t know...if I can make it…” She was starting to look pretty tired. He scowled, gritting his teeth.
I am plenty bright, he thought to himself. Bright enough to think of a way to get us out! He started wracking his brain for something, anything just crazy enough to work...and maybe get the princess to quit snarking at him.
Suddenly, an idea sparked in his mind, a crazy one that made a manic grin spread across his fun. He could almost feel himself already shivering with excitement. “You know,” he said. “There is one place it can’t breathe that boiling cheese at me…”
“W-what?” the princess said, glancing up at him.
“Does that mean you have a plan!?” Pinkie said, still running ahead.
“For once, yes! Sort of,” he said. “You two keep running to the exit...while I go back and add ‘dragon rider’ to my extensive résumé.” He grinned and turned on his heels, dashing back towards where he could still hear angry roars.
“Sir Discord!” he heard the princess call out. He glanced back, just in time to see Pinkie continue pulling her forward by her hoof and around a corner. He nodded in satisfaction, and kept heading towards the dragon, stretching his arms and legs as he moved.
In no time at all, the dragon rounded the corner and locked its emerald eyes on him. It growled and charged forward, and the air grew heavy with the smell of nachos as cheese dripped from its jaws.
He stopped in place and began counting on his fingers, focusing on the large dragon...and on his magic. “Three...two...one,” he said. On one, the dragon opened its jaws and launched a stream of boiling yellow liquid at him...and he snapped his fingers and teleported away.
He reappeared on the dragon’s back, right behind its neck. He cackled and wrapped his arms around the thick neck in front of him, gripping on tightly as the dragon turned it’s head, growling angrily.
“This is amazing!” he said, laughing as the dragon tried to bend his neck and grab him in its jaws. “Oh man...now, what do I do with you?” He snapped his tail feathers and created a cloth collar around the dragon’s neck, with reins he could grab and pull back on.
The dragon roared, breathing a stream of boiling cheese right over his head. He easily ducked, huddling close to his scales. “I wouldn’t do that!” he said. “Even your scales might be a bit burnt by that...not to mention you can’t reach me that well!”
He only received a snarl in response...and then, the dragon beat its wings and flew up into the air. He laughed. “Oh no, not heights!” he said. “My one weakness!” He chuckled, shaking his head. “Really, you think this is going to convince me to get off?”
The dragon just snorted, climbing up the walls and reaching a great height, flapping his wings to shake upside down. Discord gripped tightly onto the reins and swallowed. “Oh...I see what you’re doing,” he said. “But it’s not going to—!” Before he could finish, one of the dragon’s wings smacked him in the side, knocking him off-balance.
He tried to keep his grip on the reins, but the dragon’s wing struck him again. Before he could recover, the dragon snagged him with one of his claws, tossing him away.
Discord flinched, covering his head. “This’ll hurt...oh wait!” With a laugh, he flapped his wings and twisted in the air, floating in midair and grinning up at the dragon. “You’re not the only one with wings,” he said. “What now?”
The dragon growled, baring its fangs...and let go, dropping down towards him with his jaws open, boiling cheese bubbling in the back of its throat. “Oh,” Discord said, eyes widening. He let his wings snap back to his side, and quickly snapped his tail feathers, disappearing in a flash of light.
He only managed to reappear about halfway down the hallway. The dragon’s jaws snapped on the air where he had just been floating, and boiling cheese dribbled onto the floor. Its emerald eyes darted and quickly locked onto him, and it began to charge again.
Discord snapped his fingers, trying to teleport, but his magic only made faint sparks and flashes. “Ugh, I hate being away from home!” he said. He dropped to all fours and scampered away, quickly darting around corners, his ears perked up to hear the dragon chasing him.
Scampering had never been Discord’s forte. Floating was much more his speed, and quite literally. He was always a lot faster floating. But scampering and running for his life like some common quadruped? It was like putting rusted wheels on a limp noodle.
But he was close to the exit, and he spotted the lemon and bubblegum-colored dots ahead of him. “Keep.... Going!” he gasped, looking behind him. The dragon wasn’t far from him. They’d never make it if he didn’t come up with some way to slow him down.
He was so busy worrying over his own life that he didn’t watch as his tail flopped around his foot and he nearly tripped, stumbling a bit before regaining his balance.
That was a close one! he thought. Had he fallen, he’d be dragon food, with no time to…
Wait a minute.
This castle was full of support columns, and his tail had a natural stretch to it that only needed a small bit of chaos magic to give it an extra boost.
His grin stretched into a smirk.
“So you’re into annoying pink fluffballs, hmm? Oho, you poor, big cheesy sap…” Discord suddenly stopped and grabbed a column, his tail fastening around it.
The dragon growled, digging his claws into the ground to slow down, his talons making sparks against the tiles.
Discord shot himself to the other side, his tail stretching out just long enough to block the entire hallway.
The dragon had no chance; it happened too fast. It’s legs went crashing as it slid into Discord’s tail, making him land and roll forward and against his head.
Discord yanked his tail back to his body, seeing the dragon temporarily knocked out.
“Discord, three, Dragon—zero,” he said with a smirk. “Maybe next time...except that’ll be never!”
The dragon snorted, a bit of nacho-smelling smoke pouring from it’s nostrils. Discord flinched. “Aaaand I should probably run instead of staying and gloating,” he said, dropping onto all fours again. He continued running forward in the direction Pinkie and the princess had been running in.
He found them right at the front entrance. Pinkie’s back hooves were planted in the ground as she tried to drag the princess along, but her own hooves were firmly planted. “You’re back!” she said happily as soon as Discord approached.
“What are you still doing here?” he said. “C’mon, go go go! Unless you want to leave a note apologizing for knocking him out?”
“I was waiting for you,” she said. “I didn’t want to leave you behind...although a note might be a nice thing to do…”
“Nope, no time,” he said, grasping her foreleg and tucking her along with him out the door. “We stop for you to write a note, and the next thing you know, the dragon will be up and chasing us again!”
Pinkie yelped, and immediately joined him in tugging the princess along. “But...Cheese isn’t a bad dragon, really. He always meant well, it wasn’t his fault he was forced to guard me. My allergy is the only reason we couldn't be better friends...” the princess said, glancing sadly over her shoulder. “We’re just going to leave him without saying anything?”
“Yes,” Discord said bluntly, pulling her outside. Freedom laid just beyond a fragile old wooden bridge over a lake of molten cheese!
Of course, the princess stiffened up at the very edge of the bridge. “I...I don’t know about this…” she said quietly, looking nervously at the boiling cheese below.
“Oh, for the love of—” he growled. He scooped her up under his arm, then began to rush across the bridge. She yelped, her hooves pedaling as they dangled high above the wooden planks.
He ran across the bridge, skipping the planks that looked particularly unstable. A glance between him told him that Pinkie was following, but extremely slowly and hesitantly. With a growl, he stretched out his tail again, wrapping it around her waist and lifting her up.
Though he was a bit slowed down by having to carry two ponies, he rushed quickly across the rest of the bridge. He dropped Pinkie, who managed to land on her hooves, then dropped the princess to the rocky ground with slightly more care.
“Now we just have to climb down this mountain before the dragon wakes up,” he said. “And we’ll be done. C’mon, c’mon! We may have gotten past the worst parts, but we’re not exactly done yet!”
“R-right!” Princess Fluttershy said. She stumbled to her hooves and finally began trotting forward, though not without several glances back behind to make sure the two of them were following her.
He rolled his eyes and followed close behind her, mentally urging her to go faster. Fortunately, Pinkie was hurrying ahead and up the slope.
The princess paused briefly at the very top of the mountain. He got ready to push her, but fortunately, she moved forward, sliding down the slope on her hooves. Pinkie leapt forward just after her, rolling down the hill instead of sliding.
After pausing and watching for a second to make sure they wouldn’t run into any rocks (he did not want to deal with a crying, injured princess or any angry lord who was mad that she got hurt), he began to walk down the mountain. Rolling just like Pinkie was tempting, and quick, but could dislodge his helmet.
But of course, using so much magic out of his dimension had drained him, and now that his adrenaline was wearing off, he realized how weak and limp his legs felt. He sighed and dropped to the ground, following Pinkie’s example and rolling over himself, all of his limbs feeling tired and weak.
“I hate being away from home,” he grumbled as he bounced through a hole in the slope.
Eventually, he reached the bottom, with a few new bruises to add to his collection. Pinkie was already at the bottom on her hooves, and the princess reached ground just seconds before him. He ended up as a tangled knot when he finally stopped rolling, his limbs wrapped around themselves and his head under his arms and tail.
“You did it!” the princess said, twirling as soon as her hooves were on flat ground. “You rescued me! You were amazing, you were…”
She turned to face him just as he was picking himself up from the tangle he had tumbled himself into. “...a bit unorthodox, I must admit,” she said slowly. “But...your actions were brave, and you showed mercy to the dragon—you must be a very kind soul.”
He raised an eyebrow, adjusting his helmet to ensure it hadn’t fallen off. “Weren’t you just angry with me? About...pretty much everything?”
“W-well…” she said, seeming to be caught off-guard. “You...aren’t a typical knight, at all, your methods of facing Cheese were...bizarre, and your words and actions did...annoy me a bit…” She shook her head. “But your deed was great, and your heart is pure. I am in your debt.”
She beamed up at him. “Well,” he said, shifting. “I don’t know about ‘pure of heart’ or ‘kind soul’, but I do make a good knight, don’t I?” He puffed up his chest, allowing himself a bit of smugness. “Probably the first one to think of something besides ‘pray and charge in’ as a strategy.”
“Ahem,” Pinkie said, coughing into her hoof and looking at him expectantly.
“...and I guess I had a little help,” he said begrudgingly, patting her on the back. “Though I was still the main rescuer, here! I had to save both of your pastel technicolor coats.”
Pinkie just smiled and rolled her eyes at him. “And there’s nothing wrong with receiving help from a...friend?” Princess Fluttershy said. Pinkie grinned and nodded, while Discord just shrugged.
“Besides, where would a brave knight be, without his…” Princess Fluttershy paused, tilting her head and looking over Pinkie. “...bard? To tell of his great deeds?”
Pinkie smiled, puffing out her chest a little. “Bard...well, I am a one-pony band...I do like the sound of that!”
Discord groaned. “Great. Another excuse she’ll use to start singing...just what I always wanted.” He noticed that the princess was staring at him, her smile soft but her eyes scrutinizing. “Um...can I help you with something?”
She flinched a little. “Um...the battle is won, Sir Discord. Aren’t you going to remove your helmet now?”
He blinked, and pretended to think. “Well...nope. I’ll leave it on.” Last thing I need is for her to run off scared…
“Why...why not?” she asked, sounding a little upset. “I want...I would’st look upon the face of my rescuer.”
“Trust me, you don’t want that,” he said. “Or should I say...you wouldn’t—’st, princess?”
She frowned, scuffing at the ground with a hoof. “But...if you won’t take off your helmet, how are we to kiss?”
Discord choked and backed away, coughing. “That—! That wasn’t a part of the job description!”
“Might be a benefit,” Pinkie said. “A perk, even, if you asked...well, I think a lot of ponies would call it a perk.” She glanced over at the princess and winked.
The princess blushed. “N-no,” she said. “It’s...it’s destiny. In every tale, a princess locked in a tower or kept prisoner by some dragon or monster is rescued by a brave knight...and then they share true love’s kiss.”
“Oh, yeah!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “That happened in all the fairy tales Granny Pie read to me as a filly. It was always—” She paused, staring blankly forward. “Wait, wait. You think that Discord,” she gestured toward him as he tilted his head, “Is your true love?”
“Well, yes,” the princess said, smiling sweetly at them.
Discord and Pinkie both blinked. They looked at each other, then at Princess Fluttershy...then both burst out laughing.
“You...you think Discord is your true love!” Pinkie cackled. Discord was laughing so hard that he had to lean against the nearest rock structure, clutching his stomach.
“Y-yes!” the princess said. “And I...I don’t understand why you think that’s so funny!”
Pinkie giggled, her laughter coming to a halt (though Discord’s keen sense of hearing picked up a few quiet snickers from her). He straightened up and swiped a tear out of the corner of his eye. “Heh...let’s just say that I’m not your type,” he said with another chuckle.
“What do you mean?” she asked. “Of course you are. You rescued me. Even if your methods weren’t conventional, you must be a kind and brave po—” She froze and tilted her head, her brows furrowing.
“You’re...not a pony,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “What...are you?” She looked troubled, as though she could see all of a puzzle but wasn’t able to figure out where all the pieces went.
“Discord,” Pinkie said. “You should take off your helmet...I think you’re starting to upset her.”
Discord opened his mouth, about to say that she would be more upset without the enchantment...then noticed the pained expression on the princess’s face, almost like she was about to cry. He rolled his eyes and grabbed the helmet.
“Alright, fine,” he said. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” With that, he removed the helmet and chucked it aside, wiping a bit of sweat off of his brow.
He watched as her eyes widened, lighting up in realization. “Oh…” she said, her expression morphing into one of confusion, then one of sadness. “You’re...a draconequus.” She took a few steps back, but stumbled and fell back on her haunches. “You’re…you’re not supposed to be a…”
“A draconequus?” he said. “Let me guess, you were expecting Prince Charming? Some handsome, perfectly boring pony stallion?”
“Yes, actually,” she said. She still hadn’t gotten up, and was staring off into space. “This is...this is all wrong. This isn’t how this is supposed to happen…”
Discord groaned, rolling his eyes. “Look, I’m not interested in ‘being your true love’ or whatever. I was sent to rescue you by Lord Tirek. He’s the one who wants to marry you.”
The princess lifted her head, looking genuinely upset. “Then...why didn’t he come rescue me himself?”
He shrugged. “Cowardliness, laziness, fear of being set on fire, etcetera...you can ask him the exact reason why when we get there.” He grabbed one of her front hooves and pulled her back onto her hooves.
Before he could start leading her away, she yanked her hoof out of his grip. “No!” she said. “I’m supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by a draconequus and his, his—”
“Bard?” Pinkie said, a little hopefully. The princess just inhaled sharply and took a few steps backwards. Pinkie frowned in disappointment.
Discord sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Look, Princess. I came here to do a job, and you’re not making it any easier. The sooner you just...come along with us, the sooner we all don’t have to put up with each other anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, turning her nose up into the air. “But I can’t do that. You can tell Lord Tirek that if he wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be waiting right here.” She huffed and laid down next to one of the closest rocks, turning away from them both.
He growled a little. “I did not walk all this way, only to be sent back. Especially since I’ll either be sent back again to fetch you, or I won’t be given what I was promised for doing this in the first place!” He marched forward, rolling up his skin as though they were sleeves.
The princess looked up at him, a little worried. “What...what are you…?” Before she could finish her question, he bent down and scooped her up, throwing her over his shoulder.
“Hey! Put me down!” she yelled. She flailed, uselessly striking his back with her hooves.
He just rolled his eyes and started walking away. “You coming, Pinkie?”
Pinkie frowned. “Discord...this seems...kind of wrong,” she said, glancing at the princess who was still futilely wailing at his back.
“Oh, would you rather wait for your admirer to wake up?”
Pinkie flinched and trotted up to him. “I’m right behind you,” she said. “Sorry, princess…”
“Please, put me down!” she said. She had stopped hitting him, but was still trying to struggle out of his grip. “This is undignified...I can’t believe you’d do this to a princess! Put me down!”
Discord just rolled his eyes, tightened his grip, and kept walking forward.