//------------------------------// // Chapter 21: ER, Examinations, and Education // Story: Hazy Days and Magical Ways // by Dogger807 //------------------------------// Dr. Horse had long ago learned how deceptive the calm was in this pastoral town. Tilted Tuesdays were the norm, as were the not so uncommon phenomena that would leave an outsider questioning their sanity. Rather than fight the madness, the doctor had chosen to document it, leading many in academia questioning whether his published works should earn him a padded room instead of a padded resume. His first few attempts at publishing had been returned, bleeding with rudely-worded skepticism. It was only after he had presented his findings on poison joke in pony that he managed to have his work included in the "Manehattan Journal of Medicine". The select committee had been assured that the negatives from the presentation were in a secure location, and the more interesting scenes would be in every major newspaper should anything untoward happen to the good doctor. Not unexpectedly, the floodgates had opened after his breakthrough. Anxious to reap the prestige without facing the danger, directors of hospitals far and wide shanghaied residents to independently confirm his findings. The sharp uptick in pemmaphobia cases among that group had assured that his latest work on the consumption of possessed cake would be featured in the keynote address of the upcoming conference. Despite the excitement, the town normally lived up to its appearance. The calm only served to accentuate the days when reality decided to go on holiday, or at least for a little kip down at Berry Punch's bar. It was therefore hardly a test of his hard-earned experience when he saw the fuchsia guard stallion in the examination room, Dr. Horse realized this was shaping up to be one of those days. Glancing at the chart, the doctor said, "Private Patsy, your chart indicates that you are suffering from a slight discoloration." "Slight? Slight! I'm pink! No self-respecting stallion is pink!" Dr. Horse replied, "To be honest, I'd have to say your coat is fuchsia." "What does that matter? Fix it!" "The initial tests do not show anything out of the ordinary. We'll have to get the lab results before I can do anything." "C'mon, doc. I can't go around town like this." Dr. Horse sighed. He then scribbled a note and levitated it to the patient. Squinting, Private Patsy tried to decipher the hornwriting. "What is this? Some sort of prescription?" "No. It's the address to the local spa. I'm sure Lotus and Aloe will be able to give you a proper dye job while we try to get to the bottom of this." The private grumbled under his breath as he left the room. Once the stallion was out of earshot, Dr. Horse muttered to himself. "Topic for new paper. Magical malady causes slight coat discoloration. Wait. Scratch 'slight'." Following procedure, the doctor filed away the chart before strolling into the emergency room. "Good morning, Nurse Redheart. It looks like we're in for a quiet Tuesday." The words had not long left his lips when the double doors to the lobby crashed open, admitting two worried-looking mares. One was a stranger, but the other was the school teacher. With a start, the doctor did a double-take upon seeing the colt slung across her back. At first glance, he could have sworn that Private Patsy had somehow been shrunk within the few minutes since he sulked off. Gasping, Cheerilee said, "Colt . . . Magic." With a calm hard-earned from his chosen line of work, Dr. Horse levitated the unconscious colt onto a gurney. He commanded absently, "Nurse Snowheart, you're with me." Wasting no time, he cast diagnostic spells as the pair hurried into one of the examination rooms, pushing the gurney in front of them. A visiting physician would have been remiss in not questioning the battery of unsanctioned scans being performed. Nurse Redheart spoke up to reassure the two waiting mares. "The colt is in good hooves." With practiced ease, she nosed a form from a tray on the desk before picking up a quill in her teeth. Speaking around the writing implement, she said, "Let's start with the basics. What is the colt's name?" Cheerilee replied, "Somnuther." "Parents?" "I don't know. Fluffy brought him in during class." "I see." After filling in a few lines, Redheart turned to the stranger and said, "I don't believe we've met." The mare replied, "I'm Pleasant Thoughts. I'm now the town's psychologist." Redheart entered the name on the form. "So, what happened?" Cheerilee replied, "It felt like some unicorn surged; we all saw flashes of color from the windows. Everypony rushed to the windows to watch, and then Somnuther started convulsing until he collapsed." Redheart scratched a few more lines and then turned towards the psychologist. "And what did you see?" "I just saw Cheerilee running with the colt. I only tagged along to make sure they made it here safely." A haggard-looking Dr. Horse emerged from the examination room, prompting Cheerilee to ask, "How is he, doctor?" "Physically, he's fine. Magically, he's got more conflicting processes going on in him than an end of term party at magic university." Dr. Horse sighed. "I need to bring in an expert from Canterlot. Where's that overgrown lizard of Twilight's? The sooner we can get the right pony, the better." Cheerilee replied with a note of reproach, "Spike is a dragon, and he's off at the Crusaders' new school. We can try using his classmate's owl, though. I can gallop over to Bon Bon's." Dr, Horse snorted. "An owl? It'd take hours to fly to Canterlot." Smirking, Cheerilee replied, "The owl is not what she seems." The doctor shrugged and scribbled out a note. Cheerilee had returned to the emergency room just in time to witness a snowy owl appearing from an orthogonal dimension. The mare asked, "Did you get him, Hedwig?" “Bark!” The owl bobbed her head as if to ask, “Did you really expect me to fail such a simple task?” "Doctor, I'll need your help with this." Cheerilee hoofed over several treats that Bon Bon had given her to reward the owl. Eyeing the pouch suspiciously, the doctor asked, "It's not related to George, is it?" Cheerilee replied, "Just touch your horn to the pouch and say, 'ex dimittere'." Reluctantly, Dr. Horse complied, only to jump back as the sound of retching filled the room. Pleasant Thoughts stepped back as well when she saw the irate unicorn who tumbled from the pouch. She groaned. "Don't tell me it's him.” She sighed to express her displeasure. Shaking the shock off his face, the unicorn focused on her. He growled, "Pleasant Thoughts. I should have known." Turning, he locked his gaze on the doctor. "And you, Horse. What is this? I thought I'd seen the last of your sophomoric pranks after you graduated." Dr. Horse replied, "Professor Vague Theory, we need your expertise with a colt who's being subjected to more magical processes than I can count." "Show me." Moments later, the stallions returned to the waiting room. Glaring at the mares, Vague Theory said, "Tell me everything." After Cheerilee finished her recap, the professor blurted, "That's preposterous! Let me speak to this truant officer." Pleasant Thoughts replied, "He's not going to talk to you." Glaring, Vague Theory said, "I will make him talk." Cheerilee shrugged before going to the door. She put a forehoof to her mouth and shrilly whistled. In a thrice, Fluffy responded to the call. Vague Theory said, "Very funny. Where's the truant officer?" "You're looking at him," replied Pleasant Thoughts. Vague Theory looked at each of the other ponies in turn, hoping for a hint of the joke being played on him. “Well then, he needs a badge or something. And haven’t I heard talk about a pony around these parts who can speak with animals?” “Those are actually some very good ideas.” Cheerilee turned to Hedwig. “Would you mind going to get Fluttershy?” “Bark!” The bird launched herself from the counter before disappearing mid-flap. “An owl that can foalnap ponies on command,” Vague Theory mused. “I wouldn’t mind his help rounding up some of the less diligent students from my advanced classes.” “If I were you, I wouldn’t let Hedwig hear you calling her that.” Cheerilee said, patting Fluffy on a head as she passed by him. “I really need to head back to the school now. I’ve left my class unattended for too long as it is.” “We’ll keep you informed.” Dr Horse assured her. “No, Fluffy! Stay!” was added a few seconds later. “I have to ask,” Vague Theory said. “Do you have a problem with truancy? Er, let me rephrase that. Did you have a problem with truancy?” “Not really.” Redheart replied. “It has actually increased slightly since the foals have made a game out of avoiding Fluffy.” “It’s a little more complex than that,” Dr. Horse corrected. “There are more foals participating in the practice, but they don’t last more than an hour each.” “I can only imagine,” Vague Theory mused. “How does he tell which foals are skipping?” “He doesn’t.” Pleasant Thoughts cringed. “He doesn’t discriminate at all during school hours. If he sees a foal, that child is going to school whether they belong there or not.” “I suspect that has cause some issues,” Vague Theory theorized. “It has,” Pleasant Thoughts agreed darkly. “Bark!” “That was quick,” Dr. Horse said, approaching the returned owl. “Did you know your beak is on backwards?” “Bark!” Hedwig's tail feathers fluffed with her response. “I’m going to assume that Fluttershy was with Discord when you found her.” “Bark!” Again, the feathers punctuated her voice. “I’m also going to apologize for that, but it couldn’t wait.” “Bark!” This time Hedwig sounded resigned as her tail feathers again rose and fell. "You do realize you're talking out of your . . ." "Bark! Bark! Bark!" Tail feathers flared with each retort. “Exit pouch,” Dr. Horse said hesitantly, placing his horn on the pouch in question. “I believe it was 'ex dimittere', doctor,” Nurse Redheart suggested. “Right, right,” Dr. Horse said. “Ex dimturnna.” “Ex dimittere.” “Right, ex dimittere.” “That is unsettling,” Vague Theory noted as a yellow pegasus emerged amidst some acoustic torture. “Bark!” Hedwig demanded as soon as Fluttershy touched the floor. “Oh my!” Fluttershy said, examining the bird. “Discord, that wasn’t very nice. Hedwig couldn’t help it that she interrupted our alone time.” A flash of light surrounded Hedwig’s head and tail. “Thank you,” Fluttershy said, turning and noticing the other ponies in front of the hospital for the first time. “Um . . .” she shrank in on herself at the attention. “Hello?” “Fluttershy.” Nurse Redheart stepped forward. “Sorry to bother you, but we had a colt come in suffering from some unknown magic, and the only witness was Fluffy. Since the colt is still unconscious, we were hoping you could ask Fluffy what he knows.” “Unconscious?” Any hint of shyness was swept from the yellow pegasus as determination and worry overwhelmed it. “Of course, I’ll help. Fluffy would you mind telling me what happened?” Three giant heads tilted simultaneously as one of them whined. “What happened today?” Fluttershy prompted. The middle head let out a series of barks. “That is interesting.” Fluttershy said. “But the doctors need to know what happened to the colt.” “Wuf?” “Fluffy wants to know which colt.” “The fuchsia one,” Pleasant Thoughts offered. “The fuchsia one,” Fluttershy obediently repeated. “Woof!” “I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said. “You need to be more specific. Doggies don’t see the world the same way ponies do. Do you know what the colt smells like?” “Just a moment.” Redheart rushed into the examination room and returned a minute later with a few strands of tail hair. “Thank you,” Fluttershy said before offering the evidence to the oversized canine. Fluffy’s heads came forward for a sniff before he started barking excitedly. “One at a time, please,” Fluttershy said. “It’s hard to understand with three voices at once.” “Woof?” asked all the heads at once. “Um, let’s start with the left one.” “Woof?” asked all the heads at once. “That one.” Fluttershy pointed at the left head. “Woof woof woof,” commented the left head. “Arf,” added the central. “Woof ruff,” agreed the right. “Really?” asked Fluttershy. “Woof woof,” stated the left head “That’s all you saw?” Fluttershy asked. “Woof!” said the right head. “Woof grrr.” “Really? Up in a tree?” “Woof,” said the central head. “I’m sorry. I can’t help you get it down right now. I need to stay here and see if I can help with the colt you found. I’m sure if you find Big Mac, he could buck it out of the tree for you.” Fluffy barked and bounded away, displaying way too much energy. “Well?” Dr. Horse asked watching the dog head back toward the Apple farm. “Fluffy says he didn’t see much. He heard a timberwolf. When he went to investigate, he found the colt on the ground and the timberwolf up a tree,” Fluttershy said. “He’s been trying to get the wolf out of the tree ever since he dropped the colt off at the school.” Dr, Horse sighed, “So all we really know is that the colt . . .” “Somnuther,” Pleasant Thoughts interjected. “All we really know is that Somnuther ran afoul of the Crusaders' traps near the Everfree forest.” “How do we know that? The dog didn’t tell us where he found him,” Pleasant Thoughts asked. “He’s the exact same color as a patient I had earlier, who also had an encounter with those traps,” Dr. Horse said. “Fuchsia colts aren’t exactly a bit a dozen. So, we are going to have to get a list of whatever those foals managed.” “So, the owl?” asked Pleasant Thoughts. “The owl.” Dr. Horse nodded. “Oops,” Vague Theory said trotting up, Dr. Horse hadn’t even noticed he had wandered off during the interrogation of the cerberus. “That’s going to take a little more time. I just sent her to collect the members of my class that is due to begin in ten minutes. Your patient is unique, and I figured it wasn’t an opportunity to be squandered.” “You sent Hedwig to foalnap your students?” Dr. Horse asked. “Yes; there are only five of them. It being an advanced class.” Vague Theory nodded. “Besides, she seems proficient at it.” “Okay,” said Pleasant Thoughts. “There doesn’t seem to be the potential for abuse there.” “Perhaps we should check in on Somnuther,” Fluttershy said, “if that’s all right with you. It might be a good idea.” “Snowheart is keeping an eye on him,” Dr. Horse assured the mare, “but we can take this inside if you'd like.” “Yes please,” Fluttershy said, already heading for the doors. “Hold on a minute,” Pleasant Thoughts said. “I may be out of line here, and this may be a bit rude, but is nopony going to address the fact that Fluttershy here looks like she’s living crystal?” “She was in the company of Discord before arriving,” Dr. Horse said. “You have to ignore these things until he gets bored with them.” “I wasn’t going to say anything about it,” Vague Theory admitted. “After nopony was fazed by the giant, three-headed dog and an owl with, ahem, beak problems, a crystal pony just doesn’t seem to be worth the effort to get excited over.” “Besides, I think she looks absolutely ravishing,” Redheart added. “Oh, this wasn’t Discord’s doing,” Fluttershy said over her shoulder. “Everypony in the Crystal Empire looks like this right now. Alice and I were examining the changes to Discord when Hedwig showed up.” “You were examining Discord?” Redheart prompted. “Yes, although he looks like he’s made of crystals he’s soft in all the right places and hard as diamond where he needs to be . . . His muscles, I was talking about his muscles being firm and hard like they’re supposed to be, as well as his horn . . . the one on the top of his head . . . He has two of them, you know.” It was fascinating how well red stood out on yellow crystal. “Okay,” said Dr. Horse. “I think that’s the most words I’ve ever heard you string together at one time.” “I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea,” Fluttershy said softly. “Actually, I’d say you don’t want us getting the right idea,” Vague Theory said. More red added itself to the yellow crystal pony as she eeped, threw herself to the ground, and covered her eyes with her mane. “So, was Alice soft in all the right places as well?” Redheart asked with a smirk. “Yes.” The whisper drifted out from behind the pink mane. “I mean, we really should go check on the poor colt.” Barbie looked around in shock. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. When she and Raspberry had joined Oscar for this class, the possibility had never crossed her mind. Even if this was supposed to be easier, there was something to be said for the pony way of doing it. Her herdmates each came forward and gave her a hand. “Don’t panic! Don’t panic!” the Ministry instructor said, rushing up and handing Barbie her leg. “This sort of thing happens all of the time, for beginners.” Barbie blinked, looked down and gingerly took possession of the proffered parts. “I’ve seen worse splinching,” the instructor assured her. “Just keep them in place where they belong, and I’ll reattach them.” Barbie whimpered. “You’ll be wanting your eyelashes back as well, I’d wager.” Oscar, Raspberry and the rest of the class were laughing so hard that several fell down clutching their sides. “At least I took my clothes with me,” Barbie snarled at Raspberry. “They want to know what traps we have set up?” Abigail asked, reading over Apple Bloom’s shoulder. “That can’t be good,” Ginny commented. “I guess we aren’t going to make that movie after all,” Dean said smugly. “No biggie, another is starting not too long after.” “You are still banned from picking movies,” Scootaloo reminded him. Big Mac had just put down a bucket when the sensation started. He looked down and noted that his hooves were leaving long trails in the snow. He raised his head and blinked as he confirmed that he was moving backwards, despite standing still. Looking over his shoulder he saw that Fluffy’s right head had a firm grasp on his tail. He looked forward again and blinked a second time. “I implore you to stop; we need to talk, Fizzlepop.” Even if she hadn’t recognized the voice, Berrytwist would have been positive with whom she was about to have a conversation. “Zecora? How may I help you?” “To be perfectly blunt, I need to make something clear. Tell me, are you aware humans are fertile all year?” “Yes, that’s why Marcy made me drink a potion. I’m not ready to get pregnant yet.” Zecora stared at her fellow Equestrian. “You didn’t know? Did you?” Zecora threw up her arms and continued on her way to the medical wing. “Good luck with that,” Berrytwist called after her. As soon as the other woman had left her sight, she muttered, “I probably should have told her about that earlier.” The examination room looked like it was being decorated by a blackboard manufacturer. The colt had awakened and was watching the professor and his five students fervently making a dent in their supply of chalk. They had taken to ignoring him after he told them about his experience with the traps. It hadn’t been long before there were new and unfamiliar formulas gracing the vertical surfaces, so he turned a questioning gaze toward the pony who had introduced himself as the attending physician. “Don’t ask me.” Dr. Horse shrugged. “I don’t understand half of it. I did not take progressive salient thaumatology when I was back in school.” “PST theory is beyond me too,” Pleasant Thoughts added when the colt turned to look at her. “Can I get a tome on the subject?” Somnuther asked. “There might be one in the library, but our librarian is out of town for the foreseeable future, and I wouldn’t know where to begin to look for it,” Dr. Horse said. “I hope they can at least do something about your voice,” Pleasant Thought said. “You sound like a major villain trapped in the body of a foal.” “He does not,” Nurse Redheart scolded. “He sounds just fine.” “Don’t tell me everypony isn’t going to do a double-take when they hear that voice coming from that small frame,” Pleasant Thoughts countered. “He isn’t that bad.” Dr. Horse chuckled. “Watch. Somnuther would you mind laughing evilly for me?” “MWAHAHAHAHAHA!” Redheart stared at the innocent-looking fuchsia colt. “You are entirely too good at that for comfort.” “Told you,” Pleasant Thoughts replied. “It’s all in the presentation,” Somnuther said smugly. “I don’t care if he isn’t a student at my school.” Vague Theory had been startled out of his conversation with his students. “I’m signing him up for Ethics 101.” “Either that or enroll him in the theater club,” said one of the students. “Oh look; Hedwig’s back,” Dr. Horse said as the bird offered a much-needed segue. “I got it.” Snowheart retrieved a sheet of paper from the bird. After a quick look she exclaimed. “Sweet Celestia, they used poison joke. Where did they get poison joke in the middle of winter?” “For the love of . . .” Dr. Horse’s hoof found his face. “Well at least now we know what was in those darts.” “Actually . . .” Snowheart continued to run her eyes over the paper. “They had the poison joke in a trap set to deliver it in a gaseous form. The darts contain a potion brewed by Sweetie Belle, and they aren’t sure what it does, but they figured it should be interesting.” Dr. Horse’s eyes went wide as he stared forward, mouth agape. “Doctor?” Pleasant Thoughts prompted as she noticed Fluttershy fainting out of the corner of her eye. “What is it doctor? Is it bad?” “Just a moment.” Dr. Horse said. “I’m still trying to figure out how to verbalize my diagnosis in a way that will avoid me getting in trouble for cursing in front of a foal.” “Why couldn’t it have just been the poison joke?” Redheart moaned. “If it makes you feel any better, the potion Sweetie was trying to make was intended to warm you up in cold weather,” Snowheart said. “It can’t be that bad.” Dr. Horse turned and looked at his nurse, gracing her with the expected expression. “Yeah.” Snowheart nodded. “Forget I said that.” Big Mac looked up in the tree and saw a timber wolf tightly clutching a branch. He blinked and looked at Fluffy. “You treed a timberwolf?” He wasn’t known for talking much but the incredulity dripped off his words. Fluffy whined, looked up, turned a pleading gaze on Big Mac, and looked up again. There were rather few who could have performed the tasks simultaneously as Fluffy had done. Kerberos would not be impressed. With a sigh, Big Mac went over and delivered a solid kick to the tree trunk with one hind leg. “YIPE! Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!” Big Mac and Fluffy watched as the timberwolf disappeared into the clouds. After a few seconds, Fluffy turned all of his puppy eyes on Big Mac and whined. “Nnnnope,” Big Mac told him. Fluffy whined again, ears drooping. “Was that the timberwolf?” Corporal Phantom asked, coming out of the Everfree Forest to stand next to Big Mac, all the while looking up into the sky. “Eeeyup.” “At least that saves us the trouble of getting it out of the tree,” said Private Goldbrick. “Somepony is in for a nasty surprise when it decides to come back down,” noted Private Fading Violet. “Eeeyup.” “I’m glad that didn’t happen to our hydra,” stated Private Fauna. “That would have been a nightmare.” Private Goldbrick shuddered. “You know,” said Private Flora. “I really do not want to contemplate the fact that we don’t consider flying timberwolves to be worthy nightmare material.” “I wonder if timberwolves have nightmares,” added Private Goldbrick. “If they didn’t before, this would make for an excellent start,” Private Flora said. “Enough of the chatter!” Corporal Phantom barked. "Mr. Macintosh, please stay here until my squad can neutralize the traps." Laconically, the large stallion asked, "Traps?" Shuddering, Private Goldbrick said, "Patsy stumbled in one that turned him fuchsia." Fading Violet added, "It'll cost him a couple month's pay to get a proper dye job." Private Flora said, "We've been taking up a collection." "Don't look at me," said Private Fauna. "I've already chipped in twenty bits." Corporal Phantom said, “I want all of the traps in the area dismantled. Get to it.” All of the guardponies looked at her as if she had grown a second head. “Are we getting hazard pay for this?” Private Goldbrick queried after a few seconds. “I said, ‘Get to it’!” Corporal Phantom’s voice left no doubt as to how the squad was spending the afternoon. “Yes ma’am!” her subordinates snapped out of reflex. “Fading Violet, watch yourself.” Private Flora called out as the squad started hunting down the Crusader’s hoofiwork. “The Pit O’ Pink is over there.” “Where?” “Right over . . .” *Splash!* “. . . there.” “Is it just me, or did she jump in on purpose?” asked Private Goldbrick. The rest of the ponies delayed the start of their task long enough to watch the mare reemerge. “What?” Fading Violet asked when she saw the rest of her squad staring at her. “I'm pretty in pink.” As one, the others cried, "Fuchsia!"