//------------------------------// // Sooner or Later... // Story: I Blame You // by Whitestrake //------------------------------// “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” The alicorn known as Luna was using her Royal Canterlot Voice, which, considering that I just vomited all over her, was well within her rights. In the brief instant that I had before her next verbal blast, I looked to Jay and Celestia. Apparently, both of them had made a hasty retreat. Why the fuck would anyone leave me alone with an impressionable pony that had anger issues? “I CAME TO GREET THEE, YET THY EMPTIED THINE STOMACH UPON US” “You see-” “SOME OF IT GOT IN OUR MOUTH!” I understand that Luna was very loud, my current proximity made it impossible not to, but there is something comedic about a pony gesturing to her mouth while covered in vomit. You'd have to have seen it to understand. It was so strange, really, that I had forgotten about my earlier illness, and simply enjoyed the moment. In a flash of inspiration, I emptied a bucket of water on her head, and ran like the wind. The irate royal gave chase, shouting with all the power of an enraged Dovahkiin. Horse, and ponies by extension, run faster than humans, but we have staying power that could only evolve on a planet of strife and war. However, magic spits in the face of Darwin and every other aspect of science. By the time both of us had tired out, Luna was completely dry, and perfectly clean of the earlier detritus. With both of us panting and unable to do much more than attempt to catch our breath, I reached into my jacket pocket and produced the SS hat that went with my new suit. I gently set the headgear on the royal pony's head, bestowing the highest honor a man of my status can. The Princess of Night looked at me like I was completely insane, and believe me, she wasn't that far off the mark. “Princess Luna, I give you the gift of Hat, and hope that you wear my offering into all of your battles.” In my experience, if you're having a disagreement, and you are in the wrong, Hats are a wonderful way to mend burned bridges. “Hat is the greatest sign of apology and friendship in human society.” “You didn't mean for the earlier accident to happen, did you?” Like in the Nightmare Night episode, her demeanor completely changed, and I think she was glad to have the chance to make new friends. It was certainly better than anything I was planning on doing anyway. @#@#@#@#@#@# Alright, so get this, Luna liked the idea of using Hat as a means of displaying good intentions, and insisted that I give Shining Armor one because of our little run on the wild side the previous night. Apparently, Luna saw everything that happened that night, including my indecent actions with Fluer-de-lis. Do you have any idea how awkward it is for someone to say that at the top of a conversation? Now imagine that person talking as Princess Luna. Hurts, don't it? Long story short, Shining Armor, Luna, and I were all wearing hats, with Armor wearing his over his helmet. Yes, I was jelly, I was very jelly. The best part of all was Jay's and Tia's reaction, fucking priceless in my opinion. My friend was the slipperiest sonofabitch I've ever met on polite terms, so it was always quite amazing to leave him speechless. Of course, when he caught wind of everything, he joined right in, and the three of us were on a tower overlooking the courtyard when Twilight met her brother. We watched from above as she shared a tender, family moment with her older sibling, quite heartwarming, but I digress. Then Cadence walked up, please note that we couldn't hear them from our perch, but we caught the gist of everything said. Jay was right, the pink alicorn was a bitch, she just brushed Twilight off and ordered Shining around like a dog. But when she made him remove his hat, it meant war between our peoples. “That hardly seems like a pleasant thing to do, for a pony whose special talent is love.” Jay was in Gentleman Mode, as close proximity to top hats and monocles would set him to, but his rage was conveyed nonetheless. “Quite.” I looked over the lean form of the so-called princess, looking for anything that would set off my Uncanny Valley sense. Ponies walk a certain way, just like humans, and seeing anything that deviated even slightly would be a signal that something was wrong with the individual. I knew right there and then that whoever it was, she sure as shit wasn't Cadence, of even a pony for that matter. But that begged for an explanation of what the fuck she was. “Probably a Kelpie disguised as her.” “Kelpie?” Of all the horse-themed villains the show would likely have, the aquatic killers weren't among them? What king of G-rated bull was this? “The only thing we have that can change forms is Changelings.” “You mean the things that snatch children from their cribs and replace them with their own offspring to be raised by the clueless parents?” The dark blue alicorn paled at my description, but still nodded, so I was on to something. “You think she's one of them?” Jay was still looking where she had been, predatory instinct was taking its hold over us, and scheming was only natural for us at the time. “That would explain why it looked like she rippled when she bumped into me.” “Why in Equestria would you keep something like that a secret?” Luna was shocked by the revelation, but this called for a gentle touch. I would approach this situation, not as a monster, but a ghost. “We need to do something!” “We apprehend her now, and we'll never find out where the real Cadence is.” My voice was sharp and strict, a blessing when it was so deep, it oozed authority. “Spies don't reveal information willingly.” “So we're stuck?” I was surprised that Jay wasn't thinking quite like me, but that was just fine, I could explain everything to him and Luna if need be. “I think Twilight noticed something was up, I can work with her, you two act normal, but make your own preparations for war.” I actually didn't know if war was going to erupt, but you don't garrison that many troops for a small skirmish. “When we find the real Cadence, you two can move in to make the arrest.” “Glad to see you have all the plans.” Jay was a snarky prick at the best of times, but he was being serious. I think. “Anything else we should do in the meantime.” “Luna, let your sister know about my suspicions while I talk to Twilight.” The pony remained silent, but consented to her assigned duty. Why was I ordering royalty around? Because I can, that's why. “What about me?” Always gotta be the center of attention, but I had a special job for him. “Jay, hug everypony you come into contact with.” $%$%$%$%$%$% When Chrysalis sent Twilight to those crystal caverns, I actually said She's as fuckin' kelpie! Watch them be made canon in Season 3, just because I said they didn't exist.