It was a peaceful day in Ponyville, no Everfree Forest invasion, no villains trying to take over, no bugbear, no friendship emergency, no… nothing. Just nothing. Nothing but a sunny, peaceful day filled with chirping birds and blooming flowers. The sun seemed to shine extra bright this particular Sunday morning, as if Princess Celestia decided to give it an extra glow. No clouds were to hide it’s glory, as the sky was cleared by the hardworking Pegasus’ the previous day. Ponies and other creatures went about their day, but none were too busy to stop and appreciate the lack of disasters happening. In fact, there was no better way to start such a wonderful day with a nice cup of coffee before the day was somehow, once again, inevitably ruined by either a world ending crisis or a trivial matter between the citizens of Equestria (and beyond, duh). Princess Twilight Sparkle of Friendship let out a happy sigh as she walked over to the kitchen. Right before she had the chance to spontaneously burst into a song, the door to the Official Royal Kitchen of the Castle of Friendship swung open – and hit the young alicorn in the face. “Owww…”
“Oh! Twilight! I’m so sorry, I can be so clumsy when I haven’t had my caffeine yet.” Starlight Glimmer, her former student-slash-protégé, apologized as she helped her up.
“It’s okay – I’m like that when I haven’t had my caffeine as well,” Twilight responded. Then she noticed that Starlight was holding up two cups of coffee with her magic. “Speaking of which…”
“Oh, here, have one, I made an extra.” She winked and gave one to Twilight, who thanked her. “So, I was wondering maybe we could practice this spell from so-“ Starlight was rudely interrupted by coffee aimed directly at her face (read: the infamous Twilight Sparkle spit-take.) “What’s the matter? It’s just a spell I found in the Crystal Empire Library, sheesh Twilight, I don’t think it’s all that astonishing.”
Twilight shook her head. “Not that, this!” She gestured to the mug she was holding. “What in Equestria is this made of? It tastes horrible!”
“What do you mean?” Starlight took a sip from her own mug. “It tastes perfectly normal, I drink this every morning.”
“EVERY MORNING?! You drink this… drink that can barely be called a decent drink – every morning?!” Twilight teleported a bottle of water and chugged all of its contents down her throat. Even that couldn’t fully wash out the bitter, horrid, and downright disgusting taste left on her tongue.
“This is quality stuff, espresso all the way from Coltlombia.” She said smugly. But Twilight had a different reaction than she anticipated.
“ESPRESSO?! That thing should not be described as a beverage, let alone coffee!”
“Espresso is technically coffee.”
"I disagree."
"Most coffees are made of espresso."
“Well, you're right, but just Espresso is bleh. Can't take it."
“EXCUSE ME?! I’ll have you know, my espresso is my will to live, the frosting to my cupcake, the books to my shelf, the water to my plant, the wind to my kite, the spikes to my boots…” she said wistfully.
Before Twilight could come up with a counterargument, one of the many, and I mean many, identical castle doors creaked open. A purple and green baby dragon walked out with a plushie in hand. “What’s going on…” He looked at the two ponies on the opposite sides of the hallway. “I don’t even want to know…” he mumbled loud enough for everypony to hear as he headed back inside his room.
Once Spike left the scene, the two continued their debate. “Oh, silly me, it must be my fault that I don’t like to begin my day with a cup of pure evil!” Twilight said “Oh wait, it isn’t.”
“Come on Princess, is that all you got? My morning refreshment tastes a thousand times better than some overly sweet candy-like coffee.”
Twilight held a long gasp. “First of all, espresso cannot be called a refreshment, nor be compared with the greater cup of good coffee, and second” – though it was actually third – “don’t you DARE insult my cappuccino!”
“But I CAN!”
“You CAN’T!”
“I WILL!“
“You will NOT!”
Spike once again came out of his room, yawning. “Guys, it’s eight o’ clock, can’t a dragon sleep in silence?”
The two mares either ignored him or didn’t notice him, because they kept arguing until Spike finally cut in.
“Enough! This is getting out of hoof. How about let’s go ask everypony in town their opinion?”
“That’s-“ Starlight stopped to consider this. “That’s actually not a bad idea.”
“What are we waiting for? Let’s go!”
Twilight made her way to Sugarcube Corner to find a pony with a sweet tooth. And sentient hair (don’t ask). “Pinkie Pie!” She waved over to her friend. “Can you come over here for a sec?”
“Sure silly,” the energetic earth pony said as she bounced over. “Also, I like my coffee with milk and sugar.”
“Great, now I just want you to tell m-“ Twilight stopped in her tracks as her slow morning brain processed what Pinkie just said. “How did you- never mind.” Best not to think too hard when it comes to Pinkie Pie. “It just that Starlight-“
“-said that she liked espresso over coffee and you disagree and now you’re both trying to find out which one of you is right by asking everypony in town about their preferences on that.” She said in one breath. “Come on Twilight, you need to start walking if we want to make it before the war starts.” The astounded Twilight could only nod as Pinkie dragged her across Ponyville.
Starlight scanned town square for somepony who she knew definitely likes espresso. She found that pony floating lazily on a cloud above her. “Hey Rainbow Dash!“
Said Pegasus landed swiftly on the ground. “Heya there Starlight Glimmer. Whatcha doin’?”
“Nothing really. Can you help me answer this simple question: espresso or sugar-filled coffee?” She made gagging noises at the last word.
“Espresso, obviously.” The rainbow-haired pony replied matter-of-factly. “Why?”
“Twilight thinks her too-sweet coffee is better than my bittersweet espresso.” She barely had time to complete her sentence because Rainbow Dash took her flying off muttering something about “someponies don’t know what’s good” and “kicking butt”.
About an hour later, almost everypony in Ponyville was getting ready: packing supplies, smearing paint across their face, and most importantly, drinking their morning dose of caffeine.
Two groups of ponies met at the front of the Castle of Friendship eager to fight for their beliefs. Their leaders walked to the front of their respective groups.
“It can still end peacefully,” Twilight Sparkle said soberly. “All you have to do is surrender to the might of original coffee.”
“And betray the espresso empire? Not a chance.” Starlight Glimmer let out a battle cry. “Charge!”
Two angry mobs crashed into each other, throwing coffee and espresso everywhere. Some tasted the enemy’s drink of choice, and might never be the same again. Taste buds ruined forever. The haunting memories of that moment will scar the unfortunate ponies until the end of eternity. A yellow pegasus tried to flee the scene, but failed when a blue one pinned her down. “Well, well Fluttershy. I suppose you drink your coffee with a whole carton of milk, huh? You’re going DOWN.”
Meanwhile on the other side of the battlefield, Applejack was trying lasso a bouncy Pinkie. “You can’t catch me so easily, AJ! Drink this, sucker!” She threw Starbuck Caffeine's famous frappuccino to poor Applejack’s face. It splattered all over her face. A single drop of it landed on her tongue. “Blergh! Yer gonna pay for this!”
Mean-meanwhile, Zecora and the mayor were also participating in the fight. “Espresso might taste good to you, but that horror is only drunk by a fool! On the contrary to the bitterness of your drink, frappés are for the ones who can think!” “Are you calling me stupid? YOU’RE the one who dumb for thinking a frappé is better than the deliciousness of pure espresso, zebra! Fire the cannons!”
Mean-mean-meanwhile, the Great and Powerful Trixie was combating against Fizzlepop Berrytwist, aka Tempest Shadow. “Feel the might, of the Great and Tasteful Trixie! And the Great and Tasty Irish Coffee!” She threw a smoke bomb to the ground, but instead of smoke, it produced a strong, sweet, Coffee-tinted scent. The magenta-haired pony coughed. “Too… sweet…” “Haha, another victory for the one and only Trixie!”
Mean-mean-mean-meanwhile (last one, (Pinkie) promise!), at the forefront of the battle, the two most powerful ponies in Ponyville fought against each other, each shooting beams of coffee/espresso while holding up a forcefield to block the other’s blow. “This is revenge for the espresso you tricked me into drinking this morning!” Twilight sent balls of latte towards Starlight, but was met with similar balls of the worst tasting thing she’s ever had the displeasure of accidentally tasting. “NOOO!”
“What did I tell you?” her opponent said with a self-righteous grin. “Espresso is superior to any kind of sweet coffee.”
“Traitor!”
Rarity excitedly trotted over to the Castle of Friendship. She had promised to help Twilight redo some of the castle’s décor, to make it feel more warm and welcoming. She even brought the Cutie Mark Crusaders to help carry some materials, and to teach them sewing. However, when she arrived at her destination, she saw ponies attacking other ponies with… some sort of beverage? “What is Equestria is going on?”
Everypony froze and cleared a way for two ponies to walk forward. “Twilight, Starlight, darlings, what happened? You both look dreadful, absolutely dreadful.” Even the CMCs winced at the two ponies covered in a mud-colored liquid. The CMCs, who got stuck in mud – and tree sap – more times than Rarity could count. “Do tell me how all this came to be.” After they explained the problem, all she could do was laugh. Hysterically. “My goodness,” she said after she calmed down a bit, “all this over a silly drink? Why, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.” Somepony (probably Pinkie Pie) shouted “it’s not funny” in the distance. “Pradon me, but caffeine is so overrated, whether it’s coffee or espresso. Besides, those drinks are for commoners. Every lady or gentlestallion knows that tea is the better of the three.” Rarity shared her thoughts with utmost confidence, because what she said was a true fact (to her).
Nopony said anything for a seemingly long time. A tumbleweed rolled by. Everypony held their breaths.
Then- “Hey Twilight, how ‘bout a truce?”
“Truce. Temporarily.”
“What do you want to do?”
“Fight against dry leaves in bags.”
“Sounds good.”
“Let’s do that.”
“Okay.”
Another tumbleweed rolled by.
The silence was deafening.
“Charge!” Screamed the Princess.
“Tea lovers unite!”
“Caffeine supremacy!”
“Haaaa!”
BONUS
Spike woke up to the sound of war cries and shrieks of bloody murder. Fearing the worst, he quickly ran down the stairs to check on the situation below. What he saw made him roll his eyes. “This again,” he muttered to himself, “Whatever. I’ll just let them kill themselves for a while. I’m going back to bed.” He slammed the castle doors. “Besides, every dragon knows the best drink ever is surely hot chocolate.”