When the Ponyville day spa first opened for business, there were some who questioned the logic behind setting up such an indulgent luxury in a largely rural and at the time small town. That sort of pampering treatment was meant for them soft delicate city folk, not the tough and tumble farmers, proud descendants of pioneers who had survived and forcefully transformed the frontier into a livable home. Mud was meant to be beneath one’s hooves, not smeared over one’s face, and any cucumber slice that wasn’t being eaten was a cucumber slice being wasted. Surely there wasn’t enough of a market demand in Ponyville, and it would only be a matter of time before the business went under.
Well one reinstatement of a banished princess, a return of a neighboring empire, several invasions and insurgencies, and a complete transfer in governing power later, the day spa still had its place in Ponyville. With the establishment of the railway, more and more of those “city folk” were planting their roots in Ponyville in search of quieter, slower lives, and as it turned out, even the most boorish farmhand could appreciate a nice soak at the end of a long week of hard work. Stress went down, ponies were looking healthier, and mares now had a new place to peddle their gossip while the stallions discovered a new form of exercising their masculine dominance over one another in the form of who can stay in the sauna the longest.
These days, other species like griffons and adolescent dragons and even a yak or two, usually students of Ponyville’s famed school of friendship, would join the local ponies as patrons, and on occasion they might be even treated to the sight of the princess of Equestria having her hooves waxed and painted and in the company of five other mares and sometimes a relatively young dragon. It wasn’t a regular occurrence and not exactly something that Lotus and Aloe advertised, but it was common enough that Princess Twilight Sparkle had an appropriately sized bathrobe with the spa’s embroidered logo. Today happened to be such a day, the laughter of their group, carried by the porcelain walls of the hot tub, drawing the eyes and curiosities of the other spa goers as they wondered just what exclusive stories were being shared in that private little corner.
“He did what?” snorted the pegasus with the wild rainbow mane as she splashed in the pool’s water. “Seriously, he left the ring in his jacket?”
Twilight wiped off the excess water that had found its way to her snout before rolling her eyes. “Spike did have that bad habit of forgetting important details whenever he was trying a bit too hard.” The alicorn grinned ruefully at the memory of the young dragon standing before a packed colosseum, prepared to sing an anthem he had absolutely zero knowledge of. “I thought he had outgrown that habit. Guess it’s different when it comes to you, Rarity.”
“Oh! Oh!” The pink mare soaking beside Rainbow Dash struggled to stay afloat as she held her stomach. Every time she nearly went under, her fellow earth pony would grab hold of her neck and bring her back above water level. “Rarity, when I asked you how Spike proposed, I didn’t think it be this good.”
“Poor Spike.” Despite her sympathetic tone and the sad shake of her head, there still was an amused smile on Fluttershy’s face as the butter colored pegasus held back her own giggles. “And he did all that planning, he must have felt awful.”
“Aw, it can’t have been that bad,” said Applejack as she once again saved Pinkie Pie from drowning. She turned to Rarity. “You said yes after all. Honestly can’t believe Spike didn’t just blab about it to the whole world. Fella must have been over the moon.”
“Oh, he most certainly was.” There was a coyness in Rarity’s smile as she recalled the conclusion of that evening. She had omitted the bawdier details in her retelling.
“So what now?” Pinkie Pie asked, popping out of the water as she appeared right before Rarity. “Are you two moving in together? Taking each other’s names?” She gasped and leaned forward. “Having kids?”
The water weighed down Pinkie’s usually puffed up mane, leaving it straight and dripping and giving Pinkie, along with that crazy wide grin she had on, a frightfully deranged look as she forced Rarity against the wall. Gingerly, Rarity pushed Pinkie Pie’s face back away from hers.
“There are certainly some details that still need to be iron out. It would be nice to have a shared home we could call our own, though with how much travel our respective careers require at the moment, that might not be so feasible. In the future, perhaps, but for now I think we’ll be taking this a step at a time.”
“Well knowing the two of you romantics,” Applejack began with a smirk, “I reckon you’ll be wanting to throw one heck of wedding. You’ve got a date in mind yet?”
“Not quite, no. Obviously, the five of you will be invited.” Rarity motioned to the mares around her. “Of course, that means figuring out a good time that works for six very busy mares, that number including a ruling princess, plus one very active royal advisor and friendship ambassador to said princess.” She gave Twilight a knowing nod. “And we all know how difficult it already can be to arrange these once a moon meetings with our hectic schedules. Hm, though I suppose autumn colors might provide the best background for a white dress,” Rarity added under her breath.
“Hey, you really think we’d miss the wedding of two of our best friends?” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Look, just tell us when, and we’ll make all of Equestria move before we miss that date.”
The others nodded and murmured their agreement. “Ooh, do you need a wedding planner? Somepony to host the reception?” Pinkie squealed. “It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to throw a wedding reception. Can I? Can I?”
“And if you need catering, well, you know me and the rest of Sweet Apple Acres are here for you,” piped in Applejack with a wave. “Course, er, if that future hubby of yours wants them gems he’s so fond of, might want to start digging now.”
More giggles. “I can always help with the music, that is, if you do need any help with that.” Fluttershy’s offer came with a bashful and hesitant smile. “My little friends always love performing, though if they don’t match the style you’re hoping for, I’m sure they’d understand.”
“Nonsense, darling.” Rarity set a hoof gently against Fluttershy’s shoulder. “No band could possibly match your songbirds. I would love to have you take care of the music.”
Fluttershy’s smile lost its uncertainty. “Oh, and I’m sure Discord would love to help too. He could—“
“No! I mean, ah.” Rarity tried to mask her grimace with a chuckle and a dismissive wave. “It just seems, a little excessive is all, to be using the infinite powers of chaos on a little old wedding. I really don’t think that’ll be necessary, really. But, ah, thank you.”
“And I guess that leaves the job of overseeing the preparations to me,” Twilight stated with a thoughtful tap on the chin. “It’s been a while since I personally managed an event like this, I wonder if the old clipboard still fits.”
“Twilight, I couldn’t possibly ask that of you,” Rarity gasped. “You have enough responsibilities ruling Equestria as it is. Just having you as a guest would be more than enough of an honor.”
“Hm, okay then. How would you feel about having the princess of Equestria officiate the wedding? It’s the least I can do for you and Spike.”
“Why, that would be—“
Before Rarity could finish expressing her appreciation, Rainbow made a sudden dash to Twilight and dug an elbow into her side. “That and maybe give lover boy a few weeks off for the honeymoon, eh?”
Rainbow’s comment incited another round of laughs that was punctuated by a sigh from the princess. “Spike really does deserve a break. Honestly, these meetups of ours are the closest things either of us have to a vacation. Speaking of Spike.” Twilight glanced around the room, looking to each of her friends until her gaze landed and stayed on Fluttershy. “I don’t suppose anypony has any idea of where Discord took him off to? Or when they’d be coming back?”
Shrugs and head shakes were all the answers that the alicorn received. Twilight let out another sigh as she let herself sink deeper into the warm pool.
*
It took Spike a few long blinks before both his sight and his immediate memory returned to him. The whole group had gotten together at the royal palace in Canterlot for their once a moon meeting. The usual salutations were expressed, some updates to their busy lives that hadn’t made it into their letters were shared, a few inquiries into each other’s businesses, then finally he and Rarity had stepped forward together to reveal the big news. The response was as excitedly cacophonous as the two had expected, with cheers and gasps and hoots and applauses as the the group gathered together into one crushing hug.
The moment was ruined by exaggerated weeping, which drew everyone’s attention to the chamber’s window. There they found the stained glass depiction of some strange and incongruous creature, as if it had been stitched together from the spare parts of other creatures. Blue glass tears spilled out from the draconequus’s equine face as it waved a polka dotted handkerchief, its fuzzy elongated body wiggling in the same motion as the cloth in its talon.
There was a sudden flash, and Discord, no longer a simple image of glass, now stood over them, showering them with tears as he forced himself into the embrace. He spoke, but his ceaseless blubbering made his words impossible to understand. Perhaps they had been a warning as he suddenly took hold of Spike, shoved him onto a skateboard, and blinded the room with yet another flash.
The last of the lights were banished from Spike’s eyes to reveal that the castle chamber had been replaced with a velvet red gaming parlor, with him seated at the counter of a high end bar. Among the card tables, spinning roulette wheels, and life sized cardboard cutouts of skeletal ponies in zoot suits and flapper dresses, Twilight, Rarity, and the rest of his friends could not been found. He heard something slide up to him and turned to find a strawberry milkshake before him on the counter. Before Spike could question the absence of a bartender, Discord plopped down in the seat next to him, holding a large burlap sack.
“So, marriage,” Discord sniffed. “Guess it was terminal. Well, you had a, well, I don’t know if I’d call it a good run, but, let’s settle on decent.”
“Um. Okay?” Spike, his brow raised, motioned to the room around him. “What’s this about?”
“What, can’t a guy throw his friend a bachelor’s party?” Discord crossed his forelimbs over his chest and pouted.
“Pretty sure the bachelor party’s supposed to happen right before the wedding.” Spike shook his head. “Learned that from experience. We don’t even have a date set. But, um, thanks I guess.”
Spike picked up his milkshake and started to take a sip when Discord’s fists suddenly slammed down on the counter in front of him. The glass fell over, spilling its contents all over the bar as Spike slammed a claw into his chest, his wings flaring out with each pound, his breaths coming out as gasping coughs.
“So, mister big-shot lover boy, thinks he’s too good to maintain a consistent O and O campaign,” Discord said, sneering. “And here I thought we were friends. Why am I the last to learn about you getting hitched?” He clasped his mismatched hands together, linking eagle talons with lion paw, over where one might assume his heart would be. “Is this really how you’re going to treat me, after everything we’ve been through?”
“You’re, not!” Spike managed to gasp out. “Gah, you’re not the last to know about it. Nopony knew except for me and Rarity until today.” The dragon brushed the spot of blended milk and strawberry ice cream off his front. “I even kept it from Twilight of all ponies. Sheesh.”
“Hmph. Well you could have at least asked me to help with the proposal.”
“Right, sure.” Spike rolled his eyes. “You mean how you helped with Big Mac’s? I had enough trouble without having to involve chaos magic.”
“I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re implying that it was my fault that that horribly mundane and utterly forgettable plan turned into the most impactful proposal Big McIntosh could have asked for. In which case, I take full credit, thank you very much. Why, I’d even say it’s the whole reason why that marriage still isn’t some withered, lifeless shell.” Discord reached into his bag. “Isn’t that right, Big Mac?”
As Discord’s claw withdrew from the bag, a large red stallion came out with it, held by the dirty old yoke attached to his back. The stallion blinked and rubbed his eyes. “Wha? What going on here?”
“Oh, nothing much,” said Discord as he placed the stallion on the bar stool next to him. “Just thought we’d get the gang together for old times sake. Spike’s getting married, you know,” the draconequus added in a loud, easily audible whisper. “And to Rarity of all ponies. Imagine that.”
“Oh.” A new milkshake, this time chocolate flavored, appeared before Big McIntosh as he turned to the dragon with a sheepish look. “Uh, congrats, Spike.”
“Thanks.”
A couple seconds passed away silently. The farmer’s jaw dropped, and his eyes grew wide. “Oh, Discord’s not joking! Well shucks, congratulations. Hadn’t realized you and Rarity were so serious.”
“Thanks again. Sorry I haven’t been keeping in touch. It’s just, you know.” Spike winced and sighed. “Busy.”
“Well not tonight you’re not.” Both Spike and Big McIntosh were nearly dragged off their seats as Discord hooked his arms around their necks. “Tonight’s guys night. No responsibilities, no worries, just a simple reminder of the good old times, before you add one more huge life changing thing to your life, leaving even less room in there for your old buddies.”
Spike turned away from Discord’s sad, whimpering expression and looked to Big McIntosh instead. “I guess a few hours can’t hurt.”
The stallion snorted loudly. “Not like we’ve got much choice. Don’t think I’d be able to get back to the farm on my own from here.”
“Excellent!” Discord released the two of them, sending them both onto the floor. “Now what to do first? Maybe a bit of Ogres and Oubliettes? Or how about some cards?” From a tuff of fur on his chest, Discord pulled out a deck of colorful playing cards and started to shuffle them. “Maybe place a wager for who here gets to be Spike’s best stallion,” he said, directing a provoking smirk at Big McIntosh.
“Geez, you keep acting like I’m getting married in the morning.” Spike shook his head as he and the others settled down at one of the nearby card tables. “Look, I just got engaged, relax. You’re starting to make me nervous.”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with some early planning.” Big McIntosh picked up his cards and regarded Spike with a lifted eyebrow. “You saying you never gave this any thought before?”
“Of course I have. In my dreams. It kind of hits harder now that it’s a reality, and I doubt we’ll be having the reception in an ice cream chapel or anything like that. That’s a joke by the way,” he quickly added with a hard stare at Discord. “But anyways, Rarity and I, we’re probably just going to take our time figuring this whole wedding business out, together.”
“Hm.” Discord shrugged as he laid out his hand, which consisted of multiple jokers and the symbol for pi. “As much as I hate the word, it makes, ugh, sense. Take your time, make sure everything’s perfect, keep your fiancé nice and happy. Happy bride, happy wedding, less chance of a messy divorce years down the road after the initial adrenaline wears off.” He started to draw a new set of cards, deliberately and slowly pulling each individual one out from the deck’s middle. “Of course, keep piling on delays and you’re practically begging for Bridezilla to come stomping around.”
Spike squinted at his own cards, one of which had the recipe for chocolate mousse with the picture of a moose made of chocolate. “What are we even playing here? And bride what now?”
“You know, Bridezilla.” Discord snapped his fingers together, and the cards vanished. A projector now sat on the table, shining a light upon a lecturer’s screen. Discord, who was now wearing a tweed jacket and a pair of paper glasses with red and blue lens, squeezed the rubber cat toy in his hand, causing the fake mouse to make a clicking sound. The stylized image of a nondescript mare in a stereotypical wedding dress appeared on the screen.
“Mare gets it in her head that her wedding day has to be absolutely perfect, decides to micromanage every little detail to make sure it is so.” The rubber mouse made another click, and the image was replaced with one of the mare seated in a film director’s folding chair, shouting through a megaphone. “All that built up stress has to go somewhere, so the bride takes it out on the planners, the tailor, the caterers, the decorators, her friends, the groom, yada yada.”
Another click. Multiple pictures of the mare screaming at ponies appeared on the screen. “That makes things worse, builds more stress, which she redirects at everypony else, and now you’ve got a nice feedback loop that makes everypony involved miserable until bam!” The mare was gone, and on the screen was instead a massive reptilian monster in a torn white dress, stomping through a city. “Another wedding ruined by Bridezilla.”
“That’s not real. I mean.” Spike pointed at the last slide and snickered. “I’d think Twilight and I would have heard something about mares transforming into huge dragon monsters.”
“Well usually it’s a more of a metaphorical transformation than a literal one, and those that aren’t get cleaned up pretty quickly by that one agency the princess isn’t supposed to know about for plausible deniability.” The screen, projector, and mouse all bursted into clouds of smoke as Discord slithered over to Spike and clasped an arm around the dragon’s shoulders.
“Look, take it from a guy who’s been around the block.”
“Wait, you’ve been married?”
“What, no, of course not. Who do you take me for?” The draconequus rolled his eyes. “But that’s irrelevant because I know chaos, and buddy, that desire for a perfect wedding is all the push you need to head down a slippery slope of insanity. As your friend and a fellow guy, it is my solemn duty to warn about what you’re about to face. You think Princess Purple’s perfectionism was bad?” Discord shook his head and let out a low whistle that ended with the sound of an explosion.
Slowly, Spike turned to Big McIntosh. “Sugar Belle wasn’t like that, was she?”
“Nah. Course, Granny Smith took over most of planning once she found out, wouldn’t let us touch nothing. Well, except for the, uh, food.” Big McIntosh flinched as he rubbed his throat. “Sugar, she, well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anypony shout down Granny like that, before or since.”
The silence stretched on, giving everyone ample time to digest Discord’s assertions and Big Mac’s implications. “Well, I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Discord suddenly declared, and he let Spike out of his grasp. “Just make sure Rarity isn’t super stressed over the wedding and there’ll be nothing to worry about. I mean, it’s not like running a massive successful fashion franchise is a super stressful job already or anything. Or like Rarity’s already a huge drama queen who has tendencies toward being overly dramatic with over the top reactions and an eye for perfection.”
Discord paused to stroke at the tuff of hair attached to the end of his chin. “No, wait, actually, hm.” Shrugging, he patted Spike on the back. “Well, that’s a future Spike problem. Tonight, no responsibilities, no worries. Now let’s get the old party back together.”
Spike felt something being forced into his claws. In them, he discovered, was a gnarled staff with runes carved into the wood. A long wispy white beard had suddenly sprout from his face, and there was now a wide brimmed, turquoise wizard hat atop his head while a matching set of robes suddenly adorned his body. To his left was Big McIntosh in armored barding and a horned helmet with a large sword held aloft by his new magical unicorn horn, and on his right stood Discord, his silky blond hair flowing in some nonexistent breeze as he nocked an arrow to his bow.
The cardboard skeletons of the room had all turned on Spike, Discord, and Big McIntosh with clubs and maces and rusty spears in their bony grips. All had been stripped of their suits and dresses save for one that was in a white fedora and had a typewriter instead of a real weapon. A sickly green glow spewed from their empty eye sockets towards the trio as the skeletons stood there, weapons ready as they waited.
“Well, Garbunkle?” Discord whispered. “You won the initiative.”
Spike turned to the undead crowd. He took in a deep breath, raised his staff, and from it he released a mighty ball of fire.