The next day I woke up to the sound of something exploding. I ran as fast as I could to the library. My mind was racing. Had she—
I couldn’t even finish that thought. It was too terrible.
Smoke was billowing out of the library doors. Or at least it looked like smoke. As soon as the cloud hit me, I was filled with a strange sensation. Things were distorted. Wrong. Like I was asleep and dreaming.
I didn’t like it.
I pushed my legs through the fog and got into the library. Starlight was slumped over the table.
Oh no.
I galloped to her with all the speed I could muster. I can run fast if I want to.
The flashes of Mud Briar dead next to me filled my mind. Images of all the fun things we shared. How it all ended with his cold, lifeless form, laying wide-eyed in our bed.
I couldn’t let that happen to Starlight. I couldn’t go through that again.
My mind screamed at Starlight but I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t let myself panic until there was an actual need. My hoof shakily pressed on her body.
“Mmmm? Just five more minutes…” the body whined. I finally breathed. I was never good at holding my breath.
“Are you okay?” I asked. I could feel a sliver of anger race through me. I don’t like being surprised.
“Mmmm? Oh, Maud,” Starlight’s voice sounded drunk. Had she been drinking? I wasn’t one to drink much. I didn’t like the feel of it.
“I couldn’t sleep,” the exhausted voice whined. “I felt so... cold. So I thought I should make a spell to help me sleep. It kind of blew up. Yawn. Oh, I think it might be working.”
I found myself yawning with her. I could feel my body slow down and my eyelids closing. “Was that the cloud I walked through?”
“Yeah… we’d better… get to bed,” Starlight struggled to say. But I didn’t wait any longer. The spell was taking hold. I took a hold of her and slogged back through the cloud.
Starlight slumped onto my back. Her gentle breathing tickled my ear. It was comforting.
Her bed was only two doors away, but it felt like light-years. My lead legs trudged through the hallway. Each step felt like I was pushing Holder’s Boulder.
I could feel the ground creeping closer and closer. The door was in sight, I just needed to make it there. I might be able to toss her on her bed before I collapsed. Just a few more steps.
“Maud?” the sleeping unicorn asked. Her voice was so soft I could barely hear it. I had only two more steps left in me.
“Yes?”
“Could you sleep with me? In my bed, I mean. I don’t want to be alone.”
“Yes.”
The two steps I had to go became twenty. But if Starlight needed me, there was no way I would fail. I pushed through the exhaustion; the spell should have known better than to try and stop me.
The bed inched closer and closer until my hooves refused to move. I could feel my eyes closing on their own. It was so close, but I knew I wasn’t going to make it. I bent down and prepared to throw my charge into her bed. I wouldn’t be next to her like she wanted, but at least I could be nearby.
My world turned green, and I found myself on Starlight’s bed. I had just enough awareness to feel her forehooves engulf me. Then the spell took over.
***
The overcast spring afternoon greeted me as I woke. I felt the deep cold that seeped into my bones, but my back was still warm. The hoof around me squeezed a little tighter.
My first thought was of Mud Briar. I felt my whole body warming at the thought of his form lying next to me. But then I remembered: He was gone. This wasn’t him.
I could feel the tears welling up. This wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t be this comfortable. Why did the universe want me to suffer?
“Mmm. Morning, Trix,” the groggy voice behind me said. Then I felt warmth and moisture on my cheek.
“Oh! Oh, Maud! I’m sorry, I just thought…”
I listened as that voice began to recall what had happened. The bright tone in it dulled to a small, sad one. It collapsed in on itself.
“Well, thank you for staying with me,” Starlight said as I turned to her. “It helped me a lot.”
“I can do this as often as you need it,” I assured her.
“No, I should, umm… get used to things. To being on my own. I don’t want to impose on you.”
“It helps me sleep better, too. But if you want to adapt as soon as possible, I support that,” I told her. I don’t know how much of it I really meant. But I knew she wasn’t burdening me, and I didn’t want her to think she was. “We all process grief differently.”
“Grief?” Starlight said, confused. “Trixie didn’t die, she just… left.”
“Your relationship died,” I informed her. “It’s still death. And I am here to help you through it.”
I was trying to be reassuring, but from the look on Starlight’s face, it was clear I wasn’t. I needed to find a way to help her. Despite my awkward ways and speech patterns.
“A death? No, it’s not the same. Not like what you went through anyway. Both Trixie and I decided it was over. So, it’s not like a sudden disappearance or anything.”
“Yes. But you might still grieve the loss.”
“Maud, really, I’m fine. A little down of course, but not nearly as bad as I was last night.” Starlight smiled at me.
I wasn’t convinced. Especially when her eye twitched.
“I am still here for you. Even if I have to spend every day here.” I hadn’t worked on any digs in months. Not since Mud Briar died. But I knew they would be there for me when I was ready for them. Starlight needed me more. Pinkie would call that ‘progress’.
“C’mon, Maud, I’m strong enough for something like this. I fought Chrysalis by myself, for Celestia’s sake! A little breakup isn’t going to put me out for long.”
“It isn’t a breakup,” I reminded. Though I knew it may hurt, I have always sought to tell my friends the truth. “It’s a divorce.”
“Yeah… I guess it is. But still, it was a mutual thing. This could be good for me right?”
“Right.” I didn’t want to tell her that this was the best outcome. That I secretly hoped for this, so that my friends could stop hurting and have a chance to find real happiness.
“See! So I’m going to go and do some research, like I always do. Thanks for staying with me. But you should get back to your own work.”
I nodded, but I had no intention of doing it. She still needed me. I could feel it. Maud sense.
I watched her leave her room and decided to make some tea for us. Or maybe some coffee—the sleep spell still lingered.
***
The bitter drink chased off the last vestiges of the spell. I didn’t mind the taste; bitterness was just another flavor, and the coffee was doing its job.
I brought Starlight a cup. She was busying herself with her spells. I didn’t know what any of them did, but bright colors filled the library. I placed the coffee next to her. She didn’t look up at me.
“Thanks, Trix.” The unicorn said as I stood off to the side. She started drinking then stopped. “Oh, this is new! Where did you get...”
Her face fell as she looked at me. I tried not to feel insulted.
“Oh. Maud… right,” Starlight sighed. “Thanks for the coffee.”
She quickly turned and resumed her work. Her head swiveled back and forth as she continued to read. She’d glance back at me every few sentences or so.
“Umm, don’t you have something else you could do?” she finally asked after the fifth page.
“No.”
“Well, it makes it hard to concentrate when you’re behind me like that.”
“Do you want me to go in front of you?”
“What? No! Just… just find a book to read or something.” The book she was reading shook a bit. It felt like I wasn’t helping as much as I could have.
“Okay.” I looked through the sections and found one called A Study of Emeralds. I sat in a chair and began to read.
Three sentences in, I found that I had misread the title. It was a Sherclop Holmes novel where he and Trotson found some large sea monster. It wasn’t as bad as I imagined, but the glaring scientific inconsistencies pulled me out of the story. I was almost thankful when I heard the muffled sniffles.
Starlight was looking down at the coffee I brought, filling the mug with her tears. It wouldn’t help the flavor. Her shoulders sagged and shook as she stared into the cup.
I slowly got up and walked over. I lightly placed a hoof on her shoulder. She shuddered, but then relaxed. Her soft cheek leaned onto my leg. I could feel wetness seeping into my fur.
“Oh, Maud… I think you’re right,” she sobbed. “What do I do?”
“Just let it go. Don’t stop the feelings.”
It was what Applejack had told me. It took a lot of time, but eventually my pain flowed. However, I did not know what type of pony Starlight was. Did she need to do something, or just feel? Or both?
Whatever she needed, I would help.
She turned and wrapped her forearms around me. She weighed so little; it wasn’t like holding the deceptively heavy Pinkie. I had told her to cut down on the sweets, but Pinkie remains Pinkie.
“Maud,” Starlight croaked after her crying fit, “was it me?”
“What?”
“Was I too controlling? Or did I push her away?”
“No.”
“Was it the way I organized her fireworks, or because I didn't make her favorite meal enough?”
“No.”
“Then what was it?! What did I do wrong?!” She was shaking me. I felt that she wanted to break me open like a geode and find the answer. But the answer wasn’t inside me, and I don’t break that easily.
I looked into her eyes. They were wide with self-doubt. She froze, staring at me like a frightened rabbit. I’m not that scary.
“Nothing,” I told her flatly.
“Nothing?”
“Nothing,” I said again in the same exact tone.
“So then… why did she leave? Why didn’t she want me any more? Was there somepony else?”
“I doubt it.” Trixie would have been too scared to cheat. I didn’t blame her.
“Am I… unattractive?”
“No.”
“Am I too controlling? Too needy?”
“No.”
This felt redundant. I had answered these questions already. But this time Starlight was staring right at my face, looking for something. I didn’t know what.
“Do… you think I’m attractive?”
I wasn’t certain this was helping. Why did she care what I thought? There was a strange look on her face.
“I think you are a fine physical example of a mare.” I hoped she found it comforting.
Her face moved much closer to mine. “Is that your way of saying that you do?”
“I suppose I—“
I didn’t say anything else. I couldn’t speak anymore, because she’d suddenly pressed her lips on mine. Passionately.
I didn’t know what to do. My mind froze. This was not something I went through with Applejack.
I wanted to tell her to stop. That it was too soon for this. That she wasn’t ready, and I didn’t know if I was ready either. But I couldn’t.
I felt the warmth wash over me like it had when Mud Briar was alive. I had been so cold for so long.
It felt like rainbow-colored gems; like a thousand trees bursting into life. I wanted that feeling. I didn’t think I would ever have it again. But here it was.
“Oh!” Starlight broke off with a pop of suction.
I stopped myself from pressing for more. It was harder than I thought.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… it just felt so…” Starlight always stammered when she apologized. She danced around the truth as her brain scattered, and I just waited until she collected herself. “I’m sorry, Maud. I just wanted to feel… wanted. It feels awful to be left like this. I know you’re just being a good friend. I won’t take advantage of that, okay?”
“Okay.” I didn’t tell her how good it felt. I didn’t want to confuse her. But I worried I might be supporting her for the wrong reasons.
“It won’t happen again, I promise.”
“Okay,” I think she missed the small tinge of sadness in my voice. That was fine. I didn’t understand it myself yet. I’m not attracted to mares.