//------------------------------// // Finding Good Help // Story: Dear Celestia // by Baryski //------------------------------// Hello dear readers. Did you know you can purchase any sort of drink in a carbonated form? Carbonated apple cider, carbonated water, carbonated carbon. Okay, that last one does not actually exist, but you get my point. I've actually been experimenting with other possible options. Carbonated coffee was actually several times worse than regular coffee, carbonated carrots failed horribly, and carbonated Luna proved to create several new porn sites on the Equinet. More than one of those sites has had me rethinking letting her return to Equestria. I digress, again. In an attempt to curb future royal pornography I have started to try reconditioning my sister. I entirely expect that by the end of the week I will have her believing she is Twilight's mother. As we all know she is.. After that I might start working on her control in the presence of sweets. On a different side note, good help is hard to find these days. There are many good reasons, most of which I'll leave for later, but one I will bring up now involves the misconceptions my words seem to instill. Let's just say, I will never be asking that particular female guard to service me again. She may also never stop blushing in my presence. I have contemplated using attend, but I fear that I may soon be seeing several sites related to me on the Equinet. That is one conversation I do not wish to have with my valued student any time soon. On the positive side of things, the griffons have declared war on us for the third time this week. A couple of days without sun and they will likely be praying to me. I always love it when they pray to me. Although, I am also tempted to send the Elements of Harmony after them. That would make an amazing movie if they ever needed one (I'm the princess of the sun, you think I don't know what they do?) As I once again sit here, staring at the water with my latest batch of letters, I realize something. I have the strangest desire to pave over the lake and turn it into something new. Perhaps a waffle stand? Every pony loves waffles, right? To the letters: Dear Celestia, I am a member of the Royal Guard, a pegasus mare in her prime.  Currently, I'm dating one of the Lunar Stallions.  He's very nice, and I can tell he cares for me, but there's one problem: I don't love him.   I'm afraid to tell him this, though, because he's the only pony in a very long time who has felt this way towards me.  And even though I know exactly which stallion I would rather be with, that's not going to happen, even if I were to dump my current coltfriend. You see, I made the stupid mistake of falling in love with my superior.  And I made the even stupider mistake of never telling him how I felt.  By the time I even got around to screwing up the courage, he was already taken, engaged and then married to a mare with a much nicer set of wings. I've been so distracted by this that I can't even focus on my duties.  I almost let a unicorn walk right out of the palace with one of the old scrolls yesterday!  Even though Princess Celestia wasn't--er, I'm sorry, you weren't mad, I feel terrible.   Please, tell me what to do.  You're my last hope. --Can't Go On in Canterlot Dear Can't Go On, There are times when we hold in our love, convincing ourselves that the timing isn't right or it could never work. Whether we ar right in our fears or not does not matter. What does matter is what it does to us. We pretend and slowly kill ourselves by holding ourselves back. It simply isn't fair, either to you or your coltfriend, to continue on pretending he could be the one. At the same time, I know you feel like you missed your chance with this other colt, but giving up isn't fair to you till you've tried. I would never wish for one's unhappiness, or even lies between special someponies, but I think everypony deserves their chance at happiness. But, should you take the risk, do it right. I think we both know which colt you are talking about. If you want your chance with this one move through his heart first. There is nothing more important to a pony like that than his sister. Why not try getting to know her a little better first? Get to know him like that before you tell him everything. I know you have a real shot. All the luck of the sun, Celestia I know what you are thinking. Why would Princess Celestia tell a member of the royal guard to confess to some pony like that? The short answer is, I'm bored. The long answer is, I just told her to go and talk with Twilight before confessing to her brother. Judging by my students latest, err, experiments this meeting can only end well for me. Either this guard will realize my student is a little eccentric and be scared off, or she will be into mares by the end. In either case, I actually gave her the next week off. I never expected this column thing could be so fun. Dear Princess Celestia -- I just recently proposed to my long time marefriend. I couldn't be happier about it. However, shortly after that, I found out that she might be pregnant. While it is far sooner than either of us had planned, that isn't the problem I'm worried about. I'm concerned that no matter what we tell her parents, they'll be convinced I only proposed because I knocked her up. I love her with all my heart, but I don't want to start things off with an uphill battle with the soon to be in-laws. What should I do? Signed, Royally Concerned Royal Guard Dear Concerned, In laws can be a tricky thing to predict. The important thing here is to open a strong dialogue with them. You need to talk to them first, find out more about them, tell them how much you care about their daughter, and, when the timing feels right, tell them about the pregnancy. If the right moment doesn't come up, buy them a nice long cruise. With any luck, by the time they get back your child will already have been born. No grandparent can stay upset in the presence of their grandchild. The important thing is to just judge what kind of ponies they are. Babies are powerful weapons, Celestia This is what I was talking about earlier. Two letters in a row from my own Royal Guard. Either they have entirely too much time on their hooves, or the job is very stressful and provides too many conflicts. For the time being I choose to believe that they are under great duress. As such I'm setting up a few changes going forward. I am going to make every Tuesday funny hat day. With that they will be able to provide themselves a little respit from the normally strict environment of the job. Additionally, I am going to throw a mixer for them. It will give them a better chance to get to know each other out of the normally stringent guidelines. It should either end with a perfect work environment or more letters. Of course, plan B is to declare war on the dragons. It's hard to be worried about love when you are getting roasted alive. Dear Celestia, I, being a pegasus, have a big problem: Everytime I fly to a thunder cloud to move it away - even if I'm as careful as careful can be - I get my hooves burnt and my whole body shocked. This usually ends with me crashing onto the ground. My friends told me I should fly to the cloud faster, but then I instead destroy the cloud and get shocked anyway. Some others say that I'm just to stupid, while even others tell me I'm special and not meant to be a "real" pegasus. I am trying to become a weather pony and always dreamed of being part of the WET(Weather Emergency Team), but if I can't even get close to a thunder cloud without crashing, that dream will never come true. Whatever should I do? Signed, Thundercrack from Cloudsdale Dear Thundercrack, I'm reminded of a different Pegasus. His problem was not the same as yours, but the solution was one that stuck in ponies names for a long time. Storm Wrangler, the first Pegasus to ever use a lasso to gather and move clouds. His skills have been near legendary. Perhaps the same style of solution would work? Then you wouldn't have to actually touch the cloud and the risk of getting struck should be almost zero. As for what the others call you. Remember, all events are a growing experience. You will get stronger from having to come up with a solution to your problems while the others will stay the same. Never stop reaching for your dream, Celestia I suppose it's only fair to note that Storm Wrangler was actually struck by lightning about twenty times a day. Back in those days he was also called Lightning Rod. But, no pony ever remembers those parts. Just like no pony ever remembers why I really banished Luna. Oh, these columns are really getting fun to write.