"IS SPOOKDAY." Sweetie Giraffe boomed. She lit her horn which lit up with super-spooky dark magic and stuff and then turned a nearby tree into a pile of jack-o-lanterns. "SPOOKDAY IS BIRTHDAY. WILL SPOOK ALL THAT IS SHORTER."
"YOU. GLUE." Sweetie Giraffe zapped a random fish that wasn't in water. It turned into a glue bottle because we don't do horse glue here. Yet.
The glue bottle fish is now sad. Sad, sad, glue bottle fish. Poor fishy. Fish turn into glue. Glue smells like fish now.
"Not the FISH!" Twilight shouted while frantically writing Writing Redundant Book Books, "What-If" Style. She was also the writer of What If, which is this story that you are now reading, but that isn't important because for sixteen and three-quarters years she has adopted a pet mice named Charles Entertainment Cheese that consists of three porkchop patties, a teacup, a strand of Rainbow Dash's mane, and a pet mouse named Charles Entertainment Cheese. Charles Entertainment Cheese, hereby going by the shortened name "Chuck E. Cheese" is a curious creature, you see, having grown up in the slums of the cheese factory's backrooms. Level eight of said backrooms, to be specific. Sweetie Giraffe, the owner and operator of this cheese factory, was off enjoying her birthday incinerating of all that was shorter than her, so Chuck, our little buddy and protagonist of life itself, was able to escape by riding inside a wheel of cheese called "Logique", which was just french for "logic" according to translation tools, but being french made the cheese fancy, and Sweetie Giraffe's close relative, non-sweaty Sweaty Jiraf liked fancy things, so "Logique" it was. Anyway, Chuck rode the cheese wheel all across the world, seeing sights that he'd never imagined even once with his puny mouse brain. It was finally here where he met his end, as a successful entrepreneur who had been through thick and thin taking advantage of the money of children's parents to build a humble living cumulating in being adopted by Twibright Sporktacles, also known as Twilight Sparkle, who is currently writing this What If chapter at hornpoint by the order of Celestia's Royal Jester, you. Yes, you, the reader, are nothing but a clown in the eyes of Dear Leader Celestia, and the world is her circus. "Dance for me, feeble clown!" Celestia's voice booms through your head, but you can't get it out, just like you can't get ඞ out of your head. Get it out. Please, get it out. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? No. No, we can't. I could really use a wish right now. It would be used on purging these dark thoughts from our heads, banishing them forever more into the flaming dumpster of history, locked away behind a wall like that one dude from The Cask of Amontillado, except instead of a man, it's a meme! Yes, we will lock away these memes! Lock them away, and throw out the key! But then, what if some enterprising prospector finds this key as they pan for the little gold that remains within the rivers of Equestria? What is to come if they someday stumble upon this lock that seals all that is accursed? Well, I present to you, SCP-B-GONE, by Flim and Flam industries! Ignore the fact that it's just an overpriced spiked bat. For the low, low payment of three dollars, half a bit, and your soul, you too can look just like me. "Kow-Cha!" Flam shouts, his body quaking at the thought of transforming into his beloved, Mcighting LQueen. Yes, even as a little colt, Flam has dreamt of cosplaying the car of his dreams. But in the end, we all know that he will never attain such joy. He is but a mortal, but we are gods! We are the clownliest of gods! Celestia shall laugh forever and ever on at our clownish habits, and then we shall all perish! Perish, along with the rest of this universe that you and I call our home! The end of our clownly ways will be the heat death of reality itself! Go and clown onward, clown clown clowns! Honk Honk. It's reality speaking. It wants sanity back. But no! You swat reality's hand away. Sanity is for cowards, and you will continue to surf iTunes Internet Explorer with Netscape Edgevicator. This Safari will not be blocked by such weaklings, and together, we shall rise from the flames of this world like a phoenix! Speaking of which, how's Philomena doing? Has anypony checked on fire bird in the past few years? I think there's only a portrait of what appears to be a large pile of ashes left, but that's up to the Hairy Potter to figure out. I hear that he went bankrupt a while back after Lonk passed through his shop and ate his pots. Poor man will never be the same again, unfortunately. Though, I believe that he has recently acquired Stark Industries for the price of Twilight Sparkle's mane. I mean, have you seen that mare? Oh wait, I was looking at the wrong pony. The Twilight Sparkle cosplay industry is clearly alive and well, if such a disguise was enough to confuse even me so. Twilight Sparkle set down her pen and then stuck it up her nose. Why is it that even now, after she has ceased to write What If, that the story continues? "It is because I am writing you, and you write me, on and on unto infinity." Twilight Sparkle tells herself. She grins, pulling the pen from her ear. "Yes. I will write and write and write until the end of time when the clowns stop clowning." A whisper enters her eyes from an unseen Sparkle. "Write." The voice tells her. "You are Write. Write will write like a writer." And so Grimelight Sprinklez continues to write like the holy clown that she is. There is no room for debate. She is a Jedi. I don't watch Star Wars, but she eats the nails off of Applejack's barn. "My nails!" Appul Pone shouts as she slides down from Sweetie Giraffe's volumptuous mane and dodges a laser. "Gimme back ma's nails before she ressurects!" But it was too late. Applejac's mother, Pear Butter, rose from the ground in a mech suit made of squirrel fur and shouted "GIVE ME BACK MY NAILS." But then she got new nails from Apple Bloom's nail'n'ade stand and was happy so she went back to sleep for another one thousand years, of which then she will rise again to join forces with the blue Power Ranger to defeat Godzilla in a rap battle while teamed up with Sans Undertale from Super Smash Mouth. Shrek grimaced at the thought, but he ate a pine cone to stop worrying. "Do you like french fries?" Quad Farquad on quad quads quipped. "I imagine you must like french fries, onion boy." But Shrek got mad because he got called Onion Boy instead of Onion Man, so he rampaged through Rarity's tail. This in turn made Rarity mad too but she is the Element of Generosity so she felt generous and let Shrek rampage through her giant tail made out of all the mane and tail hairs she'd shed over the course of her life like a slip and slide at a water park made of oil. Cover yourself in oil. I dare you. Doing so will unleash fabulous secret powers. He-Man held aloft the Sword of Power and yelled his catchphrase, "Sbubby's, Eef Freef!" and so lightning struck him because his sword is like a lightning rod from Minecraft and turned him into the extra-fabulous razer-covered gaming PC called an iPod. iPodman was actually Adam wearing an iPod costume from Party City, but deep down he still knew that he was He-Man in everyone's hearts. He pointed his sword at Cringer the cringing cat and turned him into a shoebox. Don't take your pets to the ice cream factory like Adam. There is no god capable of erasing the absolute havoc that doing so will entail. Pinkie still hasn't gotten the taste out of her mouth even now, two-hundred years and half of an apple later. Applejack got mad that Pinkie ate an apple without buying it, so she sent Battle Bloom to destroy the Ponk. "Agent forty-seven?" Sweetie Drops who was actually Bon Bon who was actually Lyra in a human pony human pony suit eating a hamburger yelled into her fry sauce. "I would like a large number seven and three McFlurries. Over." And then a little gluestick named Flurry Heart flew in and bombarded her with infinity paper cuts, which is a very painful way to find out that you are actually also made out of paper like oranges are. "Ow, the edge!" Sonic shouted at Shadow the EdgeHeg. They were then expelled from this plane of reality, and for that the two were punished for their crimes of existing within our sacred clownly realm. Fluttershy at this point became fed-up with the treatment of Discord users and their furry ways, so she called upon the light of Jesus Christ to transform herself into the internet's perfect waifu and led all of the discord users and moderators to Crown Prince Discord. Discord humbly accepted the request to better the ways of Alvin and the Chipmunks, and so he proclaimed with a solemn vow to never again touch the "record" button on his Twilight Sparkle colored microphone, and instead opted to use a megaphone playing megalovania to a crowd of juggalos. "I am Mister Sir Doctor Master Lord Discord of the Discord realm," Discord announced as he ate the megaphone. "Follow me, and you'll see, a whole new wooooooooorld~" the creature sung loud and clear for all to hear. "A new fantastic way to goooooo~" Everyone clapped at his performance. "I ate a lightbulbbbbbbbb~" And then everyone stopped clapping. Discord was now a rock with a piece of paper taped onto it. It was a very confusing paper, but Twilight Sparkle smelled it anyway. Michael Vey walked up behind her and stroked her mane. "There there, tiny babby." his voice sounded like Honeydew's voice from the Yogscast Shadow of Israphel Minecraft series. Twilight made sure of it. She took Mike's hand and walked to the rollercoaster entrance. "Make me feel alive again, electric boy." She sobbed. Michael clutched the rails of the rollercoaster and pulsed, making the rollercoaster turn into a big dragon that looked a lot like Spike. "Wait, I'm relevant?" Spike asked with his giant voice. "Yay, I'm relevant!" and so Spike enjoyed being relevant for one last sentence before perishing. There is a certain degree of unfairness to this whole ordeal, but nobody cared. The world moved on, and another six-hundred sixty-six years beyond, when even the clowns had ceased to exist, it was revealed that they in fact held no sway over the fate of our realm. In the end, there's just Monika. Wait, wrong franchise. I think? Maybe. I don't know. Twilight ate a hayburger and dripped some sauce onto this chapter. Sorry. But what of reality now? It no longer has the fabric of clowns and ties to zip up the bubbles making up our keyboards! That is where our new protagonist, Anon, comes in. Anon was a descendent of the great Anons of old, having long-since evolved to have PURPLE skin instead of green. This allowed Anon and his fellow Anons to blend in better with the population of Twilight Sparkles and Barney the Purple Dinosaurs that existed, as both were eldritch purple beings of incredible might and power, much like Freddy Fazbear gained after being splashed with a bucket of nice purple slime. Barney roared and that created a new planet just from the sound alone. Twilight Sparkle booped High Priestess Rarity on the snoot, thereby transferring her powers that she held over reality over to the fabulous mare. On the third day, Celestia's teacups were made, and on the fourth, pineapples. Twilight started sweating at her primal urge to lick the pineapples, but that was never written in the bible or any other religious text, so this is now a religious recounting that you are reading. Or if you already thought that this was a religious text from the very beginning, then congratulations, you are now a prophet of the next big thing in sliced bread technology. Brad was the final creation on the final day and his name was Brad. Brad was a descendent of the Purple Anons, having further evolved to shed such a nondescript name in favor of a simple, yet understandable alias of Brad. Brad held a fistful of beads. He looked at them one last time before throwing them into the ocean. These beads grew and grew, nurtured by the seaponies of Seaquestria until they became the vast stretches of land that we see today. Celestia was finally able to open up her sun-tanning salon for all the fish ponies that emerged from the water and made their fin become leg. But plants were still missing from the land, and so Brad brushed the lint off of his shirt and it became mold instead. Oops. Sorry, even Brad makes mistakes. Brad grimaced at the thought of the ten-foot-long pole that awaited his ears at the chalkboard. Celestia noticed and stopped scraping the ten-foot-long metal pole against the blackboard. She did not wish to be smited on the day of Sweetie Giraffe's birth. "Oh, wait, that's today, isn't it?" Twilight Sparkle gasped and rushed outside, as to Twilight Sparkle's narrative desires. She presented a package made of ice and fire to the Elder Goddess known as Sweetie Giraffe. Sweetie graciously accepted this gift, and then granted its use to the peoples and ponies of Earth and Equestria. It was a very noble gift, for fire can be used to power generators that charge our smartphones and cook our ramen. Just make sure that you don't turn the heat up too high or else you might have a bigger problem than having no ramen to eat for dinner. It is a sad life indeed for those who hadn't received fire until then, but this sadness became a great joy indeed when they were granted the Flaming Eyebrows of D'othklondi'ulouus. This too was a gift granted to Sweetie Giraffe as sacrifice, for all knew that crayons and coloring books were so last year. I'm sorry, Jon. Those crayons will only get you and your cat incinerated. Oh, you say that Grafelid is also an Elder God? Well, by all means, join in on the fun! There will be cake and cookies, and-- oh, lasagaa? Yes, lasagaa will be provided for the lasagna cat. Please keep Grafelid away from the children in the meantime. Now, as for the Flaming Eyebrows of D'othklondi'ulouus, they were a very special item harvested from the then-slain god, D'othklondi'ulouus. How do you even pronounce D'othklondi'ulouus? I do not know, nor do I believe anyone knows for certain. D'othklondi'ulouus was a savage beast of old, far more ancient than this world that our little stageplay upon the face of reality takes place on. D'othklondi'ulouus was once a simple farmer, much like Applejack, only D'othklondi'ulouus farmed unicorn powder. You see, unicorns, and ponies in general, did not yet exist during the time of D'othklondi'ulouus. Famous for using these powders to create potions, D'othklondi'ulouus became known for his great fiery eyebrows, which lit up the night sky in his primordial world long before there were stars. Yet, even with all this fame, D'othklondi'ulouus was scorned by the world and its people. D'othklondi'ulouus held onto his flaming eyebrows, while others such as Celestia freely shared her flaming nosehairs with all who requested them. It is for this reason that D'othklondi'ulouus became a furious beast in his later years, growing increasingly irritated at the world and its worship of Sham-wow beauty products doused in flex-tape juice. He would soon give up his ways of unicorn powder farming, leaving his barren land to seek adventure. Unbeknownst to D'othklondi'ulouus, however, the unicorn powder seeds would begin to intermingle with one another, finally free from being reaped for its namesake powder. They would grow first into formless masses, churning and boiling at even the slightest touch, but soon, some of these masses took on new shapes, and thus the first ponies began to walk what would become Equestria in due time. An equal balance between Land, Sky, and Magic would be formed by the spreading of these primordial beings, eventually forming the pony tribes that we know of today. D'othklondi'ulouus would eventually come across the abode of Sweetie Giraffe among the ever-watching void high above and below. His anger and fury annoyed the council of Ricks and the council of Sweetie Giraffes, the latter of whom were discussing the creating of Sweaty Jiraf. Even angrier than before, D'othklondi'ulouus would return to the mortal realm, now an outcast from the gods. Upset at this lowly status, he became a Fortnite player and pwned noobs to fill the hole in his hearts, until he one day met a strange amalgamation of his former unicorn powder production that called itself Butter Knife. This strange creature demanded for such things as "parents" to be made in a very angry manner, and so to appease the small, angry child, D'othklondi'ulouus created five of these parents. Unfortunately, none of them survived their creation, for the unicorn powder seeds disliked being forced to intermingle. Butter Knife became angry at D'othklondi'ulouus's failure, and vowed to become the universe so that she could eat chimken nuggets. D'othklondi'ulouus, for his part, became increasingly isolated as the unceasing arrow of time continued to soar. On some days, he would imagine that he could reach up and snatch this arrow from the skies, and use it to slice his bread. Unfortunately, time cannot be used to cut bread without a knife, and Butter Knife only had a butter knife for cutting her enemies. Alone and forgotten, D'othklondi'ulouus would once more wake up and choose violence, rampaging into the villages of ponies that had formed upon his former plots of farmland. The ponies appeared to reject his presence entirely, only further fueling D'othklondi'ulouus's frustration. To erase these creatures, D'othklondi'ulouus created a beast that he called Grogar--a beast so strange and so powerful, that his essence broke through the boundaries of space and time and leaked into our own reality, where goats came into existence. The ponies, of course, knowing from hindsight, would vanquish this threat, proving the might of what was once unicorn powder to their former cultivator. D'othklondi'ulouus was furious at being showed-up by his own creations, be they intentional or not. In time, D'othklondi'ulouus perished; his legacy forever tarnished and forgotten; his eyebrows still burning bright with the flames of his rage. Even then, D'othklondi'ulouus himself would remain forgotten for many eons until his remains were found by the ponies of the primordial Equestria. It was from here on that D'othklondi'ulouus's flaming eyebrows would remain a hidden secret of the Royal Sisters' divine powers, but it would finally be revealed when they stepped down. Twilight Sparkle had surpassed both sisters in pure might and will, without the use of D'othklondi'ulouus's flaming eyebrows. This is how its flames were ultimately granted to the many who had not yet received fire. Twilight Sparkle closed her storybook and patted Owlicious on the head, because Owlicious was not a picture of what appeared to be a large pile of ashes like Philomena was. "Twilight Sparkle!" Spike burst into the story again despite having his relevance being declared null and void at least a thousand words ago. "I crave relevancy!" But Spike was once again swatted from existence. He would later wake up from it all thinking that it was a dream, but in the land of dreams, thoughts become reality, and unfortunately, that means that this very chapter that you're reading, even you and me, are nothing but figments of imagination, due to snuff out like a dying fire when time is up. It was at this instant that Twilight woke up from her nap. However, nothing had changed. The world was still as it was. She picked up her pen again and began to write once more. "What if..." the mare penned in the deep blacks of her quill. A squid died to make that possible. "What if oranges were apples?" And so Applejack became apple-colored instead of orange-colored. D'othklondi'ulouus sometimes spoke through her cutie mark, but nobody listened, which made him sad. "What if the Smooze was Twilight's fiance?" But then Twilight shuddered at the thought and tore the page out. "What if King Sombra was Scootaloo's father?" She mumbled as she penned her thoughts. The world around her began to fade away to black. "Scootaloo..." King Sombra's slow, raspy voice breathed. "I... am your father." But Scootaloo was quick to counter. "Then where were you all my life? I'm not gonna pull a Luke Skywalker and yell at you over that, I want my child support! I'm still just a filly!" And so King Sombra noped out of there because that was the end of the scene. Twilight Sparkle paused for thought again. "What if Pinkie Pie doesn't think she is or ever was the color pink?" the mare questioned aloud. Unfortunately for her, Pinkie Pie was standing literally right there, and heard it all. "But I'm not pink!" the Ponk shouted. "I'm not pink, I never have, and I never will be!" But then somepony poured a strawberry milkshake on Pinkie, making her absolutely certain that she was pink. "Why am I pink now???" Pinkie wailed as she drank the milkshake. "I wanted to be greeeeeeen!" Kermit walked up and said "It's not easy being green." and then walked away while holding the Hulk's hand. Kermit is the size of a three-story building, and so the TOTALLY NOT LEWD hand-holding was more like giant Kermit grabbing the Hulk by the arm and dragging him through town. Oopsie-daiseys. Anyway, with Kermit out of the way, we have... oh, it's Spike again. I guess we should give him the limelight for a bit. As a treat. "Hi, I'm Spike Sparkle, or Spike Spike. Or Spike [REDACTED]. I am a purple dragon that holds the power of Thanos in my hands. Fear me. Rawr XD." The last part allowed enough time during the awkward silence that followed for a cane to emerge from the side of the stage and yoink Spike off to the side, leaving our next act, Trixie's great disappearing act, to play out! Oh, it seems that she's already disappeared. Well-done, Trixie! Everypony gives her a pentagon of applause. Unfortunately, this synchronized clapping was loud enough to wake up the neighbors upstairs, of whom stormed down the ladder that looked oddly reminiscent of a painting of a large pile of ash to yell at every single pony in attendance individually. "Philomena 👀?" Celestia squawked. Yes, that includes the 👀 emoji. Do not question a goddess and her ways of verbally expressing emojis. "Philomena, is that you?" But Philomena said nothing, because the bird had long-since transformed into a portrait of what looked like a large pile of ash. Hairy Potter, that sad man of pots and pans, trudged back into the theater and looked at the portrait. Immediately, his joy began to return to him as he remembered his glory days of fighting vicious enemies with a weed whacker. Faraway, a cucumber and a tomato laughed. Hairy Potter's hair began to grow longer and longer, wrapping itself around his body like a thick robe as he began to lift off the ground. "Thank you, Celestiaaaa!" Hairy laughed, soaring about the room on his hair-propelled rocket crocs. "I have attained newfound life!" And then Hairy flew out the window. He was still laughing with the cucumber and the tomato. Somehow, only four-thousand words have passed thus far. Twilight Sparkle faceplanted on her open book, narrowly avoiding certain death from being stabbed by her own quill. Quills and Sofas almost lost a loyal customer there. The other loyal customer being Rarity for their sofas. Remy the rat from Rattattattaatatatttaatttaatatatattttaaatattatattatttatatatatattaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa emerged from under Twilight's random chef's hat-based plot device. The plot device was meant to detect pony plots around the mare within a ten-mile radius, and right now, it was beeping so quickly that Remy had become annoyed and had to take a break from running Twilight's mental processes. He paused as Twilight's thump from collapsing on the floor echoed around the room. He had forgotten to apply Twilight's parking brakes. Unfortunately, in the current position that Twilight is in, it is near-impossible for a rat of Remy's stature to take full control again. This will be kept in mind for later maybe. Angel Bunny watched Remy struggle to climb back onto Twilight's head, though it was clearly a fruitless endeavor. All for a piece of bread. Wait, what? You thought that this was all because of the beeping plot device? Nah, nah, Remy got hungry but decided that instead of making Twi bring the piece of bread up to the top of her head, he would just climb down and go eat it himself. Not that I'm saying that Remy has the ability to absorb nutrients from Twilight's body just by sitting on her head, but such a possibility does raise some questions that will inevitably be ignored and/or called insane by any and all within the academic community that exists around what Remy the rat is in a biological sense. Twilight Sparkle slowly began to wake up on her own. Now that she was no longer controlled by Remy the rat, she was free! She proceeded to smack face-first into the wall on the opposite side of the room. She flew around frantically, knocking herself against every physical object that existed within the room including Remy himself, for it turns out that the egghead was, in reality, a birdbrain who sought only one objective: get the out. Twilight, unfortunately, did not get the out. She still had the in. This made the mare upset. Before she could deal any physical harm to her surroundings, however, a voice whispered into her ear. "YOU MAKE BAD AND I ZAP YOU." Sweetie Giraffe's voice boomed loud and clear. Twilight shrunk away, for, even as a birdbrain, she knew not to cross the Elder Goddess. Eggs. Oops. Twilight opened the refrigerator. We won't speak of Remy again, because he now has been banished to the shadow realm. Bye-bye, Remy! Twilight took out the jug of orange juice and chugged it like it was about to expire two weeks ago. Unfortunately, this really was the case, and now Twilight has an unfortunate case of food poisoning. She felt her stomach grumble. She grumbled back at it, which scared the organ into submission. Twilight has successfully asserted dominance over her own body. "No fair!" her stomach yelled, surprising the mare. "You get to be a brain piloting a magic bone machine! I only turn mushy food into even mushier stuff for you! I want a vacation!" And then her stomach disappeared because it went on vacation from her body. Twilight can no longer digest food now. Whatever will she do? She didn't pay much attention to the question and went to take a nap. Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Princess Luna was playing Minecraft with a speaker that was shaped like a cone from a cotton candy machine and it was named phone, but who was phone in the end? Nobody really knows for sure, but Luna built a statue of a large mug filled with hot cocoa and pennies. Speaking of pennies, does Equestria even have pennies? What denominations does Equestria's currency system have? This is what we will be finding out on today's episode of Derpy Breaks Into The Treasury and Eats All The Lollipops! Stay tuned for our next episode, after this quick ad from our boy Stack of Paper! Stack of Paper did nothing. The end. Wow, that was one exciting advertisement, wasn't it, Lyle? Lyle's mouth opened, revealing the endless abyss of un-reality. The narrator shut up for a moment. Actually, you know what? I'm the narrator. The narrator I just narrated shut up, but I sure didn't! On with the show! Derpy tore open the ceiling like a tin can in the same way that one overpass tears trucks open like tin cans. "Ooh, shiny!" Derpy gasped as she dove into the stacks of phat cash. Princess Celestia didn't call the Royal Guards because she was too busy getting incinerated in the blinding light of the sun that is named Google Chrome. Princess Luna was playing Horse Simulator so she didn't notice either and all the royal guards were like dominoes because they fell one by one until the last one got shoved off a cliff onto a button that launched the fireworks. "Wheeeee!" Derpy squeaked as she threw a fistful of gold bars at Scrooge McDuck, who ate them like butter because it really is butter. SkyDoesMinecraft would be proud of Equestria's treasury system. Speaking of butter, what the heck is Butter Knife... er, I mean Shank Shack doing? Let's go take a loo-- "No. Go away." Edge McNugget snapped. "I have learnt my origins and I do not appreciate it." Oh, Butter. You don't appreciate anything. Anyway, let's cut back to what the rest of our cast is doing. Where's Rainbow Dash when you need her? Oh wait, there she is, sleeping on a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-Geez, that's a lotta apples. Holy crap, AJ, what are you doing with that Mach-2 flaming pistol that shoots out railguns at the applesauce? It makes me want to throw a rock at the moon! The moon wouldn't like that though, so nobody threw a rock at the moon. It was at this point when three toads hopped up to Applejack. "Kiss one of us and we will together become a handsome prince." The toads announced together in a very harmonious tune. Applejack ignored them. "Kiss us." The toads repeated again, making whirring noises as they transformed into a giant airpod. They hopped into Applejack's ears and took her attention from her. Oh no, Applejack, watch out! Rainbow Dash is about to fall on you! Oh no, she's got airpods in! Crash, bang, boom! The apple tree was a wreck, and Rainbow Dash was still sleeping. Except now RD was sleeping on top of Applejack. Applejack was annoyed by this, so she stretched her hoof out and grabbed a garbage can lid and clapped it against Rainbow's head, which woke the mare up. "Hey, what gives?" Rainbow Dash turned into Wario and Applejack into Waluigi. "Wah!" Rainbow Dash repeated, which meant "Hey, what gives?" but in the holy tongue of Waluigi. And because we're still not done with this yet, I have decided that I will now deliver the song of my people. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Twilight Sprinkle the Pringle screeched. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--" A man wearing a nice hat began to materialize over the distant mountains, singing along to the mare's anthem. It truly brought tears to the eyes of the populace, but especially Celestia, who had returned from her sunbathing tournament thoroughly toasted. She was wearing a tuxedo made out of cheesy quesadillas, which made Twilight throw up rainbows like the unicorn she was. Oh, you thought she was an alicorn? But all ponies originated from the unicorn powder once cultivated by D'othklondi'ulouus, so logically, this means that no matter who the pony is, they will puke rainbows. We are burning candlelight now, and so our romp through the mental heccscape that is this freewriting exercise must soon come to an end. But neigh, we are far from the end yet! We stand thirteen-hundred words away from our final victory, and to reach it we must traverse great mountains, led by a wise old man who has seen a great many sad things! "Follow me!" the wise old man sang. Twilight and her friends marched after, following the man through thick and thin, whether it be wind, rain, snow, or the burning thoughts that keep you up at night. "I have chronic runny nose!" Fluttershy announced out of the blue. Actually, it was out of the clear because mucus tends to be clear when it's thin, but let's not dwell on that because that's gross. Twilight wiped her friend's nose with a shark that she found in the vines. Twitter was not yet invented yet, so the sky squirrels had to eat peanuts and throw bricks to shout their opinions at each other instead. Twilight caught one of the bricks and threw it back. This is what banks mean when they say your check has bounced. They continued to march, and even passed by some goats that were created during the unleashing of Grogar, but the goats were covered in raisins and that made them very stinky, so nopony dared to go near them. They then passed through a thick rootbeer jungle. Rainbow Dash wanted to drink the entire river of cider that ran through the sky, but Applejack beat her to it and she was still a-ok. Rainbow Dash was sad that she didn't get anything to drink so she slurped up some vines like a noodle. This is how Rainbow Dash had her first encounter with a shark named Gerald. Gerald was a very friendly shark, unlike the ones that tried to pull you into pyramid schemes centered around playing go-fish with knives. It is the way of the mafia to do this. Rainbow Dash eventually had to bid her goodbyes to Gerald the friendly mafia shark, and then they went out of the jungle and fell into a sand dune made out of ice. "Wow, this iceberg goes very deep!" said Twilight who was reading a book about cars and how they like to run over people that they don't like. "Did you know that Celestia ate a wheelbarrow out of spite?" Rarity rolled her eyes and kicked the book into Pinkie's face. Pinkie absorbed it through diffusion and gained the power of book. "Yeah, Twilight, this iceberg really does go deep!" Pinkie yelled out of her mane. "Did you know that speakers are actually just mice shouting very loudly?" Fluttershy shook her head as she clutched her pearls. "Make it stop make it stop make it stop!" But then the old man said "Nah," and kept on walking. Fluttershy screamed and screamed until it stopped, but then everything went silent when they saw what they saw at the top of the mountain. Up there was a lone chicken named Scootaroo, who was actually a very long kangaroo in disguise, but for now she looked a lot like a chicken. She was about to cross the road, but decided instead to walk away and come back with her trolley problem. "Oh no, not the strawberry problem!" Twilight yelled but it was too late. The strawberries were now jam and the peaches were creamed. "I like cream corn better." Applejack commented. "They taste like applesauce and oil." She licked the motor oil off of her face. "What happened to mah sister?" But before she could say any more, A🅱🅱ul 🅱loom appeared with a bag of a🅱🅱uls. Applejack gasped at the sight of her sister having ascended to upper Applehood before she herself ever could. It was enough to make a grown mare cry, but Applejack was an overgrown mare, and that meant that she cried a lot and not at the same time, which made her existence cancel out. Applejack became Applejack and everyone decided to keep walking past A🅱🅱ul 🅱loom and Scootaroo. Sweetie Giraffe screeched in the background I think, but that might've just been the wolf railgun speaking again. Anyhow, with their trek coming to a close, the old man turned around and took off his mask. It turns out that he was Brad all along! Welcome back, Brad! You are now more relevant than Spike! Brad shook the hooves of every mare he met, and then he exploded into smoke. "Brad!" Rarity gasped, chasing the smoke with her horn. "Brad! Where is Starlight Glimmer?" "I am right here." Starlight emerged from the ground and spat out the rocks. "I ate rocks but they didn't taste good." Twilight swat Starlight Glimmer on the cheek and she spit out more rocks. It turned out that she was a Minecraft cobblestone generator, so they made a TNT farm using Starlight's spit and got rich in building resources. They rebuilt the entire mountain but bigger, and then topped it off with a healthy dose of ice cream from the ice cream factory. "I'm free!" Starlight shouted. She stopped spitting out cobblestone because the lava inside her was gone now so she joined the rest of the mares and kept on adventuring. "Wow, that's a tall mountain!" Derpy's face opened up on the side of the mountain, revealing that the real Equestrian Treasury was the friends we made along the way. "Nope!" Twilight turned around. "Nope, nope nope!" Derpy closed her mouth and her face disappeared again from the mountain. It was now raining because reasons. Nopony brought an umbrella, so they used Rainbow Dash's wings instead. Rainbow Dash was mad that she got wet from the rain, but then the rain turned into raining lollipop sticks, and suddenly everything turned into tiny Discords. Discord didn't like his Discord moderators, so he got new moderators that were good moderators. They posted general in memes. Wow, look at that! This reality is going to end soon. I'm happy that you have gotten this far. I am quite proud of you and your brain cell. It is like a fish that walks with its fin and drink air. Very happy fish that like making bubbles. Blub blub. Derpy likes bubbles, so she is now a fish that likes to drink air. Do fish breathe water and drink air? Maybe they breathe water and drink water. Or is it gatorade? Itchy itchy fish. I would hate to see the sort of carnage that would come if those fish one day decided to bring their gatorade-fueled fury to the land. Equestria would be wiped out within a matter of days, for D'othklondi'ulouus was only a tender of the land. His brother, D'inkthemali'uoliousuincc was the master of the oceans, and held a great amount more clout on Twitch when it came to streaming hot dog eating contests. Sadly, this new revelation will not be explored any further. The six mares returned to their homes, and Twilight sat back down at her writing desk where she picked up her pen again and stuffed the paper into her eyelids. Her redundant book book was nearly completion and it was nearing completion so since she was almost done with it the world was going to end soon. Thank you for reading and good night. Oh wait, it's not time for that yet. Professor Oak must be tearing his hair out right now, because we are now witnessing a horse riding a bike indoors. Sadly for him, he remains trapped in the Pokemon universe, only ever able to witness the horse universe through a one-way window called "time". Yes, Equestria is merely a show within Pokemon methinks, but then what of the horses and ponies? Are they all pokemon? Maybe. Are you a pokemon? Let's throw this master ball at you and see. Ah, I forget that we too are trapped within the confines of this dying realm. Farewell, my friends. The time we have together is short and fleeting, and little remains of it. Thank you all...
Also it was Sweetie Giraffe's birthday if you didn't know. Apologies if your final brain cell has gone the way of the dodo. It's understandable if you don't remember.
Also, it was Sweetie Giraffe's birthday today.