-Music-
Sunday. Around four in the afternoon. Anon and Rainbow went off to the Wonderbolts museum, which was good. If they stayed in bed all day they'd work themselves into a rut.
Ba-zing.
It worked out for you though. It gave you time to do what you came here to do. You approach your target.
Canterlot Castle: Home of Princesses Celestia, Luna, and countless other nobles.
You had spent most of yesterday scoping it out, even took a guided tour. The ground floor with the throne room was mostly for the tourists, you were aiming higher. Past that was the residences, where everypony from the royal sisters to the royal eighth-aunt-twice-removed lived. Closer, but not optimum.
Above that was the little used maintenance hallways with roof access. That was what you were aiming for. Anon had told you that both princesses were at the derby yesterday. If these ponies were anything like people, they would be relaxing at home after a day at the races.
And if one pony in particular behaved the way you thought she did, then the roof was your best chance of getting to her.
That was your plan. Get inside. Get to the roof.
And prank Celestia.
You enter the castle walls. Two guards stood by the door. Easy.
You toss them both a wave.
"Hey, the Princess called me in. She wants to me to show her some stuff about my homeworld." you say.
The two of them exchange looks. "We weren't notified."
"Yeah, it was kinda sudden. She caught me at the derby yesterday and invited me over."
The two of them exchange another glance. These two were the biggest hurdle, they could stop this plan before it started. Not that you'd give up, there was always another way.
"What's in the bag?" the ask.
Half-truths, Mous.
"Just some stuff from my world I brought with me, I figured I'd show the Princess. I have some clothes...a toothbrush...and a music player." you list off.
The guards exchange one final glance before they step aside.
"The Princess is in her quarters." they say.
You offer a quick bow and head inside.
Phase one: Done. That was fairly simple.
It's not those guards fault they didn't ask which princess you were here to see, it's not like this stuff happens too often. With an alibi and a pair of witnesses secured, you make your way through the castle. Your strategy of "Walk around like you own the place." is doing you well, nopony asks what you're doing here.
Okay...from the tour yesterday, the stairs up should be behind the throne room. You find the stairs and sneak your way up. Phase two begins now.
Phase one may have had the biggest opportunity for failure, but phase two is no slouch. If anypony caught you up here, they could pretty easily call your alibi into question by simply asking the princess. Getting caught by Celestia with your pants down wasn't something you wanted to happen. Both figuratively and literally.
You keep your head held high as you walk. It would deter a cursory glance, at least. You spot a mirror hanging from the wall up ahead. You can spot two guards on duty in its reflection. Fuck. Sneaking by wasn't an option.
You take a knee by a vase to think. You're so caught up that you don't notice the pony sneaking up on you.
"Who are you?" they whisper.
You don't like being snuck up on as it is. That goes double when you're trespassing. You shoot up from your knee and nudge the vase.
Fuck!
You spin around and stop the vase from moving before it crashes. Heh. It seems all those days of playing games in Anon's living room have paid off.
You turn to face your new friend. He was taller than most ponies, white coat, goldilocks mane, unicorn horn, and a...lapel?
"Who are you?" you ask.
The colt gets a disbelieving look on his face. "I asked first." he says.
Had you there.
"I'm Mous, I met the Princesses a few months ago. You?"
He leans his head to the side and his incredulous frown gets deeper.
"I am Prince Blueblood. I have been RELATED to the Princesses for my entire life." he says.
A noble? Named 'Blueblood'? You have stopped being surprised.
He gets in your face. "Why are you here!? Only members of the royal family live on this floor."
Remember your cover.
"The Princess sent for me, I was looking for her room." you say.
He doesn't buy it. "It's day. No one knows that Princess Luna is even awake and Princess Celestia has been...indisposed...for the entire day." he counters.
Well, there's your confirmation on her habitual behavior. But fuck. There goes your alibi.
Dammit!
You ignore Blueblood as you slump on the nearby wall and think of the consequences of this. You would probably be detained for a bit. Hauled off. Anon and Rainbow would be grabbed and asked why you snuck into the palace.
As for punishment? You don't see why Celestia wouldn't take matters into her own hooves, especially if you were so keen on interrupting her. You're she would find the right irony for your punishment...
You shudder.
Blueblood wants answers. "Well!?"
You sigh. "I'm here to prank Celestia."
He tilts his head. "Prank?"
"Yes, prank. It's sort of like a game we play, we try to mess with each other whenever we meet." you say.
That was the best explanation you had for your relationship with Celestia.
Blueblood leans his head towards you. "What kind of prank?"
You grab his ear and whisper your plan to him. A devious smile parts Bluebloods lips as he hears what you have in store.
"And you're sure it would work?" he says.
You simply nod.
"Then get up, I'll help you get past the guards." he says.
Whoa what?
"You're helping me? Why?"
You never did anything for this guy.
"Maybe I can just appreciate a good prank?" he says with a smirk.
Holy shit, did you just make a bro?
Bluebro signals you back to him as he walks a few feet back. "Play along." he whispers.
"And so there I was, with cake all over my new tie, when who walks in? But the duke of Trottingham." he says with a pompous voice.
He leads you down the halls past the guards as he talks, he must not have guests because they seem a bit shocked.
"I was so embarresed, I ran as fast as I could into the bathroom to wash up, luckily the dukes lovely daughter was kind enough-"
He throws you around a corner and peeks back at the guards.
"They aren't moving." he whispers.
"Where to?" he says as he turns back to you.
This was starting to look up.
"The roof, that's the best bet."
"Follow me." he says with a grin.
The royal apartments had quite a few guards. Luckily, your new companion was able to talk his way past every single one of them.
"There it is." Bluebro says pointing towards a wooden door at the end of the hall.
You make for the door when a familiarly regal voice stops you. "Nephew?"
You both spin around. "A-Aunt Luna?" Blueblood says.
Luna walks towards the two of you. "What, may We ask, art the two of you doing?"
Luna motions towards your backpack. "And what is that thou carries?"
Shit think fast.
"Blueblood and I met at the market yesterday...and...he was giving me a tour of the palace." you stammer out.
Luna looks confused. "Then, why art thou headed for the roof?
Fuck.
"The view?"
Luna takes a step towards Blueblood and smiles. "We are proud of thee nephew! Tis so nice to see thee making friends after the...unpleasantness...at the Grand Galloping Gala."
Blueblood doesn't miss a beat. "Thank you Aunt Luna, it's nice to be making friends."
"Well, we shan't keep you from your day." Luna says as she walks off.
Blueblood and you both exhale a sigh of relief and enter the door to the roof staircase behind you.
The staircase leads you to a door with the best view you've ever seen. You can see almost all of Canterlot from up here. From the main gates and the train station, to the Wonderbolts stadium. You can even spot your hotel. The sun was starting it's decent, giving you plenty of afternoon light to disrupt an afternoon delight. Bluebro leads you to his best approximation of where Celestia's roof is.
You hear it before you get there.
Shit. You didn't have much time if the growing crescendo of their voices was any indicator. You throw your bag down and start unpacking your things.
"So, what did Luna mean by 'unpleasantness'?" you ask.
Blueblood sighs "Up until recently, I was a selfish, bigoted, ungrateful pony who was only interested in himself. At the latest Grand Galloping Gala, it finally came to a head when I tossed a mare in front of me to avoid a falling cake."
That sounds like a tale.
"It culminated with the mare screaming at me and driving me away. When I heard what the other ponies were saying about me...I..I couldn't bare it, because every word of it was true. From that day on, I have strived towards self improvement in an attempt to assuage the damage I have done. he says.
Damn, you could feel for him. Having a shit reputation is the worst, especially around people you like.
"Hey. I don't care what everyone else says, you did good by me today. Thanks" you say.
You hold out your fist, Bluebro bumps his hoof against it.
"You should get out of here, Celestia will be pissed when she hears."
"Are you sure you can handle her?" he asks with concern in his eyes.
You smirk. "Don't worry, Bro. This was the plan all along."
Bluebro nods and gallops off to the door you entered. The voices coming from the open window below you were getting more intense.
Nothing to do now but wait...
You were Princess Celestia, and you were getting laid. You had met him at the derby yesterday, Fancypants, his name was. He had spoken about a mare companion often, but it seemed they were on a break.
Which was perfect, Fancypants was good at this.
"Ah...come on...come on..." you pant out.
Fancypants increased his fervor. Just then, a sound wafted through your window.
The sound of music. It sounded like something with strings. Was the royal band practicing? Oh well, didn't matter.
"Ah! Right there! Don't stop!"
Fancypants grunted and started giving it his all. By the stars, you were close.
"Keep going!"
That music was still continuing. Where was that coming fro-aaaaahhhh!
Any second now...
That music was really nice...But where was it...
Just then, the music got words.
"Here comes the sun..."
WHAT?
"WHAAAAAAAHHHHHH!?"
NO! NO DAMMIT NO! THAT MUSIC RUINED IT!
"P-Princess?" Fancypants spoke.
"Wait here." you say as you hop off your bed.
You were more terse with him then you wanted, but what did he expect? This ruined your afternoon. You fly off your balcony and follow the source of the music.
Was it coming from the roof? You flew up and saw the source of the disturbance.
Him.
He was laying on your roof, head in hand, grinning like a madman. Next to him sat a small white square that was projecting the music you heard.
He spoke. "Princess Celestia, has anyone ever told you that you would make an absolutely lovely tenor?"
-Mous PoV-
-Music-
Shit eating grin: ON MOTHERFUCKER.
Music: Staying on, who doesn't like The Beatles? Celestia, it seems.
She landed on the roof a few feet away.
"Hello Princess, like my little concert?" you ask.
She just glared at you. "What are you doing here?"
You carefully got up, this joke would be ruined if you went and fell off the damn roof. "Why, just serenading Canterlot with some music from my world. I was in the area and I thought "You know, the Princess would really like some of this music, and I have to pay her back for checking on me during estrus." so I worked my way up here, found your room, and here I am."
"Why, I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" you ask.
You stared her down. This was your biggest gamble, whether she would take it well. Her eyes stare right into yours.
You can't break contact here, if this goes tits up, your gall might be the only thing that saves you from a trip to the moon.
You were peripherally watching her mouth for the signs of... Yes!
"I think I see a smile..."
Celestia quickly turns her head away as she works to regain her composure. You still hear a few giggles escape.
"I'm glad you enjoyed my show, Princess."
She turns back to you, composure restored, but a smile present. "Yes, very elaborate, very fitting. You certainly have thought this through, haven't you?"
You give a wide shrug. "I told you, I'm a bit of an odd guy."
You cross your arms and begin to relax...this isn't over yet.
Celestia takes a step closer "However..."
And there it is.
"There is the matter of how you managed to sneak directly above my room in the royal palace, I'm sure my Captain of the Guard would like to have a word with you about that."
Hmm...you could work with this.
"Come on Celestia, there's no fun in that. At least give me a handicap." you say.
"Such as?" she asks as she opens her mouth into an unnaturally wide grin and flutters her eyelashes.
"Three hour head start."
"Two."
"One and a half, and the guards don't know what they're looking for and can't follow outside of the city."
Celestia stares at you for a second. "Deal."
You extend your hand. "Shake on it."
Celestia extends her hoof, you grab it and give it a good shake.
"Well then, I suppose I better get moving? You should go see to your boyfriend. I'm sure he can help you with that Cobalt Cunt you have now." you say as you bend down and grab your stereo.
Celestia just stares at you confused.
"Oh, just get out of here."
What was the female term for blue balls anyway?
You haul it back to the hotel, Anon and Rainbow better be there and not naked or you're leaving without them. You run up the stairs and burst into the room.
Rainbow and Anon are sitting on the couch together watching TV. "Dude, we have to get cable at the house." Anon says.
"No time. Pack. We're going." you say as you cross the room.
Anon looks confused and alarmed. "Uh...Dude? Is something wrong?"
You don't have the time for this. You grab Anon by the shoulders.
"You know how bros have that thing where they sometimes need you to not say a word and just go along with whatever they say? And he'll handle everything?" you ask.
Anon shakes his head wordlessly.
"Well, this is that time. We have, like, twenty minutes to get out of the city before the guards get he-"
You hear shouting from outside. You run to the window and pear out. It looked like half the royal legion was outside Some white unicorn in a purple accented suit of armor was calling out orders. "Spread out! We're looking for anything out of the ordinary!"
This was against the deal, but you found yourself smiling.
"Celestia you bitch..."
This reminds you of a song...how did it go?
Oh yeah, Dat bass line.
Anon grabs your shoulder. "What's going on, dude?"
You reach into your bag and pull out your sunglasses. Sunglasses you slowly lower onto your face as you recite the words you've wanted to for so long.
"I think it's time we blow this scene, get everybody and the stuff together."
Okay.
3.
2.
1.
Let's Jam!
-Music-
You, Anon and Dash burst out of the hotel back door. Get to the train station. Alert no guards.
"This way."
You lead them through an alley to the street behind the hotel.
"You sure this is a good idea, Bro!?" Anon shouts.
You turn to shout back at him. "Of course it is!"
He looked scared. You must still have your psycho grin on.
Shit pegusi in the air. "Under that overhang!" you shout.
You can see the train station. There's a squad of guards out front.
"Mous, guards!" Anon cries.
"I'll handle this, just run past them!" you call back.
Anon and Rainbow blow past the bewildered guards as you grab the one in the lead.
"You have to stop him! There's some crazy Gryphon in that store and he's holding them hostage!" you cry.
"W-what!?" the guard says. "Come on, this could be it!" he calls to his friends as he runs down the road.
Ha. Idiot.
You all get through the turnstile and look for your train.
"There it is!" Rainbow cries.
Fuck! It was pulling out! You all race towards the rapidly leaving train.
"There they are, get em!" you hear from over your shoulder.
A quick peek; Fuck! Guards!
"Rainbow, carry Anon and land on that caboose!" you shout/
Rainbow grabs Anon under the armpits and carries him to the train.
Only have you now.
"Outa my way!" you shout to the ponies in front of you.
You can hear the guards hot on your tail. The train leaves the platform.
Gotta jump! You sail through the air at the edge of the station and grab a hold of the bars on the back and Rainbow and Anon pull you up.
Eat your heart out James Bond.
You turn and flip the guards back on the station the bird. All earth ponies. Nice.
You turn to Anon as your train races out of Canterlot in the setting sun. "See, told you I'd take care of everything."