//------------------------------//
// Chapter 7 
// Story: Sparkle 
// by EquineWhoDoesStuff 
//------------------------------//

The sun is starting to pass it’s midpoint, and I’m sitting across from Fluttershy at her backyard table. Rarity just left with Cutie Mark Crusaders in tow, having finally finished her massive order of capes. I’m sitting back rubbing my neck with a hoof. My body still doesn’t feel quite right after having been turned to stone last night, by what turned out to be a cockatrice.  My letter to the princess is safely stowed away, and my cup of tea is sitting empty. If there was a time to take my leave, this would be it. I rest my hoof for a moment on the carrying case I’d brought with me.
“Fluttershy, would it be ok if I stayed a little longer to talk?”
“Oh, of course Dusk! You’re always welcome here,” Fluttershy says, smiling her sunshine smile at me.
I fiddle with my hair clip, which has become a new habit of mine. My hair is done up in a bun, and I’m wearing the small amount of makeup I’m comfortable recreating from Rarity’s teachings. “I wanted to talk to you about gender stuff…” I’ve done it enough now that I don’t stumble over the words, but discussing it with Fluttershy still makes me a little nervous.
“Oh? Go ahead,” She says.
Alright me, time to ask this question! There’s no beating around the bush, or weird diversions, or blatant avoidance. It’s structurally pretty simple! To the point where it almost feels a little foalish. I ask, “Do you think I should be a mare?”
“Oh!” Fluttershy stares at me wide eyed for a moment. “Well, that isn’t really a question I can answer, Dusk. That’s something you have to decide for yourself.”
I press my lips together and hum, before speaking, “I— Look. I know you girls helping me realize this stuff has been like herding cats.” I look to the side, still a little embarrassed. “I don’t lack self awareness of the fact that I’ve been in denial about some things. And frankly I’m getting annoyed at myself. So I’m here to have a straightforward conversation about it.”
Fluttershy says, “I know it isn’t the answer you want, but that still doesn’t mean I can know you better than you know yourself. You could talk about some of your feelings about it and—”
I raise a hoof to cut her off. “No. I know that. I know. But I just really really want your most personal, most biased opinion on it!”
She twiddles her hooves nervously. “Well, I don’t know about that, I try not to have too many of those, especially not about my friends’ personal lives.”
I back off a little, leaning back again. Fluttershy may be able to stare down a cockatrice, but she’s still Fluttershy, I almost lost sight of that in my haste. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you. I just…” I look at her, meeting her soft gaze. “It’s just that you’re the only trans mare I’m close with. I want to hear what your experience tells you about me, without any varnishing, and without worrying about influencing me.” I hold up my hooves reassuringly. “And I promise I won’t freak out about it, or latch onto what you tell me blindly.” I sigh. “But I think hearing it would really help me sort through my own thoughts…” 
Looking at her, her expression slowly rises from trepidation to furrowed caution. “And you’re sure you want to hear it?”
I stop myself from visibly gulping, not wanting to scare her off. “Absolutely! It would mean a lot to me.”
“Well if you really want to know…” Fluttershy looks down and sighs, then takes a deep breath and looks back up at me. “You should’ve just let yourself be a mare that first day you talked to us!” She belts out loudly, relative to how quiet she usually is, “I didn’t want to rush you, and you clearly weren’t ready, but seeing you like that was so frustrating!” she squeaks angrily, “I just wanted to grab your shoulders and shake you! You wanted to be a mare so bad! You are a mare!”
Fluttershy breathes heavy for a moment, before covering her mouth with her hooves. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say so much” She looks away. “I know how upset you got when Rainbow told you you were a mare…”
“No, it’s fine.” I tap the table absentmindedly, looking at her with a mostly blank expression. “I needed to hear that.”
Fluttershy’s face slowly emerges out from behind her hooves, looking at me with cautious relief. “Are you… ok?”
I snap out of my momentary stupor, willing an answer to appear for her. Instead, I close my mouth and drag my hooves down across my face. “I… Uh…” 
‘You are a mare!’
Come on, I promised Fluttershy I wouldn’t freak out! Does it count if my brain just stops working? I sort of knew she would say that, but it still doesn’t make any sense.
Dash’s voice echoes in my head. ‘Good mare.’
I slap my hooves down onto the table, steadying myself. “I’m not upset, don’t worry.” I finally reassure Fluttershy, “I just… I don’t understand.” I look at her searchingly. “…How can you think I would make a good mare?” I point a hoof towards her. “Just look at you! You’re beautiful, and soft, and graceful and— and kind. You’re wonderful.” I retract the hoof in front of me. “And me? I’m an irritable sarcastic bookworm, who knows more about magic than actually being a pony. How could I ever live up to being what you are?”
“There’s nothing you have to live up to!” Fluttershy’s hooves reach across the table onto mine.
“But— What if I’m bad at it?” My eyes are wet as I meet her gaze “What if I don’t do a good job and— and ponies don’t like me anymore? I failed at being a stallion, what if I fail at t-this too?”
Her hooves pull back from mine slightly. “Oh Dusk, don’t you realize I’ve had all those same fears?” She looks me in the eyes, needing me to understand. “Why do you think I learned to be so quiet? Colts were loud, so I had to… not be” Her eyes are filled with a quiet desperation. “Whenever I speak up, I still get afraid I’ll end up butting into the conversation like some loud annoying colt!” Wetness pools at the edges of her eyes. “Do you think I feel like I’m ‘good’ at being a mare?”
My ears fold back, guilt and frustration burning in my gut. But more than that, I want to show her how I see her, that she doesn’t have to be afraid. I reach out and grab her hooves in mine, getting her to look at me. “Fluttershy, nothing you do could make you a bad mare in my eyes, or any of our friends. Everything you do is mare-like, because you are a mare, and you’re the one doing it! The only thing you need to do is keep being yourself, because you’re already one of the most amazing mares I know.”
Her eyes are obscured by her mane. “But it… It terrifies me, knowing you think I’m some… perfect trans mare role model. But I’m not! I’ll make mistakes, and I’ll let you down!”
I brush the hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. “I know you aren’t perfect. I don’t want you to be. But you could never fail at being your gender. That’s—” I pause. “That’s not how gender works…” I say, trailing my words with a look of realization.
Fluttershy tears finally fall, but she isn’t sobbing, tears are just flowing from her eyes in a gentle release of emotion.“And this— Isn’t really how I imagined this conversation going. But that’s exactly it.” She smiles at me, a little triumphant through the tears. “It’s like you think there’s some magical spark inside me that makes me a true mare, and you not. But there isn’t. I’m just a pony trying to be happy with who I am, who gets scared and confused. I’m the same as you.” 
“I…”
 “You need to start giving yourself the same kindness you just gave to me.” She grabs back onto my hooves as they hold hers. “You deserve it too, just the same.”
That can’t be right. I’m different. That’s different! Trying to put me and Fluttershy in the same set produces a category sorting error in my brain. But disregarding her statement produces a different error. How can I claim Fluttershy is somehow better than me, when she herself claims she’s isn’t? So even if my gut is telling me Fluttershy is wrong, that reaction isn’t based in reason. This fear is… just fear.
 I want to listen to my friend. I mean she would know about kindness right? But I don’t…
know how. “I— I believe all the things I said to you, but why does it feel like it’s different for myself?”
”I know. Even though I know my fears aren’t true, it’s so hard to believe that sometimes. Being kind to yourself is a skill, believe me.” She wipes away tears from her eyes. “It can be hard to remember it, and that’s why we have ponies who care about us to remind us of it. Like all you girls do for me, and like we’ll all do for you.”
All you girls? It didn’t seem like she was making a point, it was a slip of the tongue. Like she really just… sees me as a girl.
“So… I should just… let myself be a mare?” I say, softly.
“Do you want to be one?” She says, but the smile on her lips tells me the question is basically rhetorical. I don’t know how to feel about that.
Wait, actually I do. Good.
“Yes, I want to be a mare.” I whisper. It’s the first time I’ve ever said that out loud.
“Then you should.” She replies.
I look down at my hooves, a feeling of vertigo overtaking me.
“Ok.” I say.
Then I burst into tears. 
It feels like Fluttershy is at my side in an instant. Her hooves wrap around me and I latch on greedily. Let her softness envelop and comfort me. 
The emotions wracking sobs out of me are not acutely painful. It’s more like the aftershocks of a hundred tremors, both good and bad, sneaking into my ribcage all at once and shaking it apart. A trembling but inescapable undoing. My magic buzzes underneath my skin like an ocean of static.
“I— I’m a mare?” I wheeze.
“Mhmm.” Fluttershy hums into me.
“Oh.” I cry, “Oh. I—” My ragged breathing cuts me off. My uneven spasms of breath hitch up and down. I try to wait for the calms in between those peaks, when my lungs still do as I say. After several false starts, I get something to trip off my tongue. 
“I-I’m a mare.” A choking breath and new wave of tears follow the statement.  I hold on tighter to Fluttershy.
Fluttershy strokes my mane, making affirming noises.
“Wow. Wow wow wow. Oh my goodness. Oh stars.” The nervous excitement flows out from me all at once. “I’m really doing this.” I breathe out. “Right now, I’m a mare” The idea makes me shiver, and I continue shivering. “I— Fluttershy.” I whimper her name, not sure what I’m trying to say. 
But she seems to understand, just squeezing me softly. “Mmm, I’m here.”
I lean into that embrace. The stale fear taking up space inside me trickling out between sobs. The absence of it feels unnerving in its own way. So I just sit there, breathing like I’m trying to fill lungs that are suddenly three times as big.
Under that patient care, my breath slowly finds me again, it curls inside me newly, but not unkindly. I count my breaths by Fluttershy’s, until mine seem to match. Tears still flow, but the feeling of release comes with them. Until my eyes burn, and my coat feels matted from the wetness. I try not to think about how with my muzzle buried in her shoulders, I’m getting my tears and sniffly nose all over Fluttershy.
“I’m sorry for all this, I promised not to freak out.” I chuckle weakly.
“Oh no, I told you you could always talk to me, and you did exactly the right thing.” She pats my head for good measure. “I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now, knowing I was here to see you discover something so wonderful about yourself!”
“Oh. Fluttershy!” I squeeze her tighter. “Thank you. You’re such a good friend! I love you Fluttershy!”
“I love you too.” She says, softly, stroking my mane. 
I’m stunned I said that out loud. Her response makes me wonder if Fluttershy wants to be friends in the way me and Rainbow are. I shake that thought off, not now.
We sit there like that until I pull away, sniffling one last time. It’s hard to believe I’m sitting next to Fluttershy and just… being a mare. “Well, I’m really glad that’s resolved! Oh wow.” This outcome changes a lot of things. Glancing toward the large carrying case stowed underneath the table, I pull it onto the table. "In that case! I prepared some materials in advance, just in case. So we can start workshopping right away!"
"W-workshopping?" Fluttershy looks a little whiplashed. 
"For my new name, of course!" I say, starting to spread out the folders inside. "This is a complete list of synonyms for both of my names. You'll have to forgive me, some of these aren't, y'know, true synonyms." I say conspiratorially, "But I figured a wider range of material would be helpful!" I straighten out another file. "Let's see, ah! These are citations for my favorite poetic allusions to my namesakes in classic and modern works—"
“Um." Fluttershy says, "Forgive me for speculating. But It seems like you might've possibly been a lot more certain about this than you let on."
“Not certain! But, you know… prepared! Just in case!” I elaborate, “I’ve been thinking about names for a while, and how I would improve mine.”
“It wasn’t meant to be an accusation. I’m glad you’ve been thinking about it, hehe!” She prods at one of the documents, pulling it closer for reading. 
I feel a little giddy watching her eyes scan the page, I didn’t quite believe I’d really be using this research.
She looks up at me. “Just to clarify, we’re looking for more traditionally feminine names right? Now that you’re a mare and not agender?”
“I—” I pause. “I was actually thinking of being a mare and agender.”
Fluttershy stares at me a little and blinks.
 I give a self abasing grin, eyes looking down. “Sorry. Am I being silly and in denial again? I should just— be a mare all the way. Right?”
“Oh no! That’s not what I think at all! I’m so sorry for assuming.” Fluttershy amends, looking concerned. “I’m interested to learn about it! Our gender experiences seem pretty similar, but being an Agender Mare isn’t something I know first hoof.”
“Oh! Well! The way it feels to me is...” some of the nervous excitement creeps back into my voice, “Some part of me really likes being just a pony, without needing a specific gender to define every bit of me. But I also really like being a mare, it’s important to me. Obviously.” I gesture to the coat around my eyes that’s still matted from my previous tears. “Being a mare feels… completing. But having to think of myself as one hundred percent a mare at all times is kind of claustrophobic. So why not be agender too?” I scratch the back of my neck with a hoof. “It seems contradictory, but Pinkie told me it’s something plenty of trans ponies do. Being an Agender Mare means I don’t have to give up either part of myself! I can be everything I want instead of just a fraction,” I ask, “ If that makes sense?””
You want to have it all. Still greedy, I think. But I brush that thought away. 
“That makes lovely sense to me.” Fluttershy smiles. “But more importantly, hearing you speak about it, it seems like it makes you happy!” 
I smile back, relieved. “It does, I think. It feels right.” 
“Then that’s perfect.” She beams. “What does that mean for your name then?”
“Well, I really just care about the name being… cute.” Briefly covering my face with a hoof I say, “But I’m self aware enough to know the things I think are cute tend to be… pretty girly.” I look at her nervously.
“Then you’ve got it.” Fluttershy agrees, before starting to read from the first page of my documents. “Nightfall. Hmm, interesting.”
I blush slightly. “That was the name of one of my original role playing characters. She was a very powerful and mysterious sorceress!” I look down. ”But… I was also very much a tween when I came up with that.” I fail to mention that the characters’ full name was Nightfall Oblivion Andromeda. “I’m not really sure I could pull off being a nightfall, but I think it’s kinda pretty.”
“It is!” Fluttershy agrees, then her eyes land on something else. “Penumbra. That’s a lovely name!”
“Oh! Yeah. That one’s really beautiful,” I say, a little dreamily, “It’s a little stuffy, but well, I’m a little stuffy too.”
“Only a little.” Fluttershy giggles. 
Then she stops, and points to another one of the circled names. “Twilight,” Fluttershy reads it aloud, “That’s your mothers first name, isn’t it?”
I blush a little. “I know it’s a little odd, but she started it,” I say, “Dusk is a masculinized version of her own name.” My gaze wanders. “If I’d been born a mare, I’d have been a Twilight too. So if I’m a mare now…” I trail off, conclusion obvious. “But it seems strange to get a chance to totally rename yourself, and just end up going with something your parents would’ve picked! I don’t know, Twilight Shine sounds off to me.”
“Well, if it’s something your parents would have named you, I don’t think keeping that connection to your family is strange at all! And if you want to keep your name having two parts, then you still have a whole second word to work with.” Fluttershy reminds me.
“That is true...” I trail off, “Ok. How about we go with Twilight as the first name for now, and come up with some last names? That might help me decide, since Penumbra and Twilight are my favorites so far.”
“We can do that! Let’s see...” She peers at the paper. “Ooh! Twilight Glimmer! That’s fun!”
“Eh.” I wave a hoof.
“Or how about Twilight… coruscate?”
I giggle. “I like that one!” Then I look to the side. ”But hearing it out loud, it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.”
Fluttershy makes hums for a moment, then latches onto something. “What’s this over here in the margins? ‘Sparkles?’”
I blush at hearing that. “Oh! That’s more of a note to self…”
“Oh? Were you considering it?” she asks.
My blush deepens and I sink into my seat. “I don’t know about that… It’s something that Rainbow Dash calls me.”
She looks at me, my gaze squirms out of the way of hers. “Hmm!” She tilts her head slightly. “Well, that’s the strongest reaction I’ve seen so far. And it is a synonym of Shine.”
“I just— It makes me feel cute. But maybe that’s because of the context.”
“Context?” Fluttershy asks.
I very casually stamp my hoof down onto the table. “Uh... never mind that! Doesn’t matter! it’s just a—“ pet name. “— nickname!”
“Oh, I guess so.” Fluttershy says, then raises her hoof again, “What about without the s? Just Sparkle.”
“Oh.” I pause, letting out a little snort. “Huh.” It does fit with the naming scheme. So then I’d be Twilight Sparkle.
A shiver runs all the way up and down my spine. Something stirs behind my eyes, and in my heart. Flashes of crumbling stone, five stone orbs waiting for their sixth, their spark. The Spark.
Twilight Sparkle.
Huh. 
That… that would certainly be some name, haha! It sounds… really nice actually! 
“Twilight Sparkle…” I say, experimentally, feeling how it jump off my lips.
“Mm! That one’s good!” She looks back down at the paper. “What about Twilight Dazzl—” She pauses mid-sentence, looking back up at me and my expression. “Oh wait! Does that one speak to you?”
I glance down at my papers uncertainly. “It’s too soon to make a choice, right? I should look over my research and make sure that’s really the best option.” But as I say it, the idea of a name that isn’t Twilight Sparkle seems… disappointing. The thorn of anxiety in my gut tells me I should search more, or I might regret it. 
Fluttershy says, “Of course! Go at whatever speed feels right.” She taps a hoof at her chin. “I certainly didn’t figure out my name in the first day of talking it through!” She looks down. “Then again, I also wasn’t this prepared.” She chuckles lightly.
I try to go back to my search, but it’s hard to keep my mind on anything but Twilight Sparkle. 
Twilight Sparkle.
It sounds like… it sounds like the kind of name she would have, that hypothetical mare in my head. But I feel almost too small for it. Could I really just reach out and… take it? I— I— 
No. You know what? If there’s anything I should be able to choose about myself, it’s my name.
I can have it. Literally who could stop me? Wishing to have a name is exactly the reason to pick that name! I’ve been around this block long enough to have this mental pattern figured out, that instinctive denial is familiar by now. I’m not letting it stop me now, if I want to be Twilight Sparkle, I can just go out and be her!
I take a breath. “I’m Twilight Sparkle.”
Fluttershy freezes, stopping the ruffling of papers, and looks at me.
A grin starts to break out on my face. I feel giddy, like I’m Promaretheus stealing fire to give to pony kind.
“I’ve decided… my name is Twilight Sparkle!”
Fluttershy gasps, smiling back. “Oh, that’s lovely Twilight!
It takes my brain a moment to connect that she’s referring to me when she says ‘Twilight.’ 
I— I just get to be called Twilight now! I can keep getting called that, every day, forever. Yes. Yes! Yes yes yes!  “Eeeeeeee!” I stand up, clapping my hooves together excitedly. “Twilight. Sparkle. I’m Twilight Sparkle now! I’m Twilight!!” 
Fluttershy says, beaming and putting a hoof on my shoulder. “Congratulations Twilight Sparkle.”
“Thank you!” I humm delightedly in response, and do a happy little dance, before finally settling back down. “This opens up so many possibilities!”
“I can imagine!” Fluttershy says softly.
I tap my chin with a hoof. “And there is one more thing I could use your advice on. If you’re not sick of talking about trans stuff by now, that is!”
“This is a very special time for you, you deserve the attention.” Fluttershy says, making me blush faintly, “How can I help?”
“Well.” I look around. “I had some questions about the medical side of transition, if you’re comfortable talking about it.”
“Oh! I see!” She says, caught off guard a little.  She twiddles her hooves for a moment, biting her lip, then says, “Well, if it’s you I suppose I don’t mind talking about.”
“Thank you again,” I say, keenly aware of how much Fluttershy has given to me this afternoon. “So... I’d been thinking about going on hormones even before today’s outcome. It’s just… all the physical changes are things I want. Being softer and curvier sounds really really nice. And the more psychological effects… I don’t know what would happen with those, but unless you get some bad side effects, it seems like those are positive or even just neutral. What was it like for you?”
“Well, it was a little scary for me at first, but I’m very happy with all the changes.” Fluttershy says, looking down at her hooves, brows furrowing. “I think I’ve ended up looking pretty feminine. I look ok at least, I think.” 
“Fluttershy. You’re gorgeous.” I say, eyes wide. I don’t even feel self conscious about saying that, because it’s so obviously apparent.
 “Oh.” She dodges my gaze, blushing. “I’m glad you think so.” She clears her throat, and goes on. “With the mental effects, it’s honestly very hard to tell what’s the hormones and what’s just the result of me becoming happier with myself. But lots of trans mares feel more like themselves with the right hormones, and I know it’s that way for me too.”
“I… thanks. I was already leaning towards hormone replacement therapy, but it helps to hear about it from a friend.”
“Of course!” Fluttershy says.
“I also know… there are a lot of things that hormones can’t change,” I say. 
Fluttershy nods understandingly. “There are.”
“And...” I put my hooves over my face. “Oh stars. This next question is the first thing they tell you about how not to treat trans ponies! You’re not supposed to ask about their, well...”
“You’re wondering about bottom surgery?” Fluttershy says, a little more matter of factly than I expected.
I nod hesitantly.
“Well, it’s different when you're trans too, and asking for yourself! I’d rather not go into that much detail. But my surgery was only about a year before you moved to ponyville, and I’m very happy with the results, I had a lot of genital dysphoria… Were you considering it?”
“I… really really don’t know. Which is why I brought it up.” I shift uncomfortably. “I’ve been so out of touch with my body for so long I have no clue how I feel about… down there.” I wince. “Is that normal?”
Fluttershy nods somberly. “Very much so. Even I wasn’t sure at first. But the closer the rest of me got to how I wanted, the clearer my feelings got.” She smiles encouragingly. “You have plenty of time to figure that out, plenty of trans mares aren’t interested in bottom surgery.”
“And there are probably more immediate questions, huh? There are other things that can do what hormones can’t.” I tap my hooves excitedly. “I’ve been looking into biological aura transmutation treatment too…”
“Oh, you mean BATTs?” Fluttershy says, pronouncing the acronym phonetically, “I’m sorry, I don’t have much experience there. I started hormones early enough in puberty that I didn’t really need any of those.”
“Oh. That makes sense.” My ears droop a little. But my expression lifts a little when I force myself to focus on the magic. “It’s gotten really advanced in the last few decades! They can use magic to convince parts of your body to change themselves. And with enough treatments, it’ll become your body’s new normal, resulting in permanent changes!” I sigh dreamily. “If there were a one step gender reversal spell, that’d be convenient. But what we have instead is so much more practical and fascinating!”
I give a little laugh. “Honestly, even besides the results. The idea of using magic to permanently alter my own body is very appealing! It’s a new kind of spellcraft to engage with!”
Fluttershy gives a little gasp. “Twilight! You aren’t going to try those spells on yourself, are you? I know you’re very good at magic, but those treatments are only done by specialized experts for a reason!”
I put my hooves up defensively. “I— Not recklessly! Believe me, I know how wrong medical magic can go. Messing with cells is tricky, a healing spell is only a few decimal points away from being a cancer spell. I’m very intent on not horribly mutating myself, thank you.” 
Fluttershy’s calms down, hearing my explanation, and gives a little frown. “Sorry, I was a little forceful there. I just want you to be safe.”
“It’s ok, I know you do. I’m really glad I have you looking out for me.” I smile. “I would make sure I could do it safely before I did anything. Besides, that’s a good while off. I haven’t decided which BATTs treatments I’d get, and I’d probably want to see how hormones go before I get into that. It’s just that the idea of changing myself is just… very exciting!”
 “I know it is, believe me.” Fluttershy says, excitement simmering beneath her quiet smile in mirror with mine, “I think you’ll really love it. You’ll get there, I know you will.”
Her hoof rests comfortably on my shoulder. Somehow this shy mare makes imaginary mare in my head seem a little less out of reach.
“I hope so!” I say, “I really do.”