About a month has passed since I came out to my friends, and things have been fine. Not fine… good actually. Nothing much changed with their behavior, but I realized that was because ever since that lunch with my friends, they had already been treating me pretty much gender neutrally. The only real difference was the official terms of address, which didn’t seem like they should make such a huge difference.
But they did! Oh stars they did! Around my friends I hadn’t heard myself called a stallion in weeks and weeks, and it was like a weight off my shoulders.
It’s a little embarrassing, but it felt like my coming out was just me admitting what everypony else already knew. That doesn’t make me regret it though, it just makes me more eager to make up for lost time. Something Pinkie had an idea for.
It’s Friday night. My candle is burning low when Spike comes upstairs for one of his periodic checks on me. He’s very helpful and sweet, but sometimes I worry I may have imparted just a little of my neuroses onto the poor guy.
“You know, why am I the one with the bed time when you’re the one who doesn’t sleep?” Spike says, waddling up to my desk.
I put down my quill and smile at him. “Because you are a baby dragon, and I am a grown St—“ I flinch. “A grown pony.” I carry on, hoping he doesn’t notice the slip up.
He just keeps going. “No way, I’m young, that means I’m full of,“ he yawns, “energy.” I roll my eyes. He stands on his toes and peeks his head over the surface of my desk. His eyes land on the pile of plain purple envelopes sitting stuffed and sealed. I go still. He doesn’t notice. “So what are you working on anyway? I’ve never seen you write so many letters without me!”
“Well, these letters aren’t going to Celestia, so I thought I’d give you a break.”
He looks up at me skeptically. “And...?”
I sigh. “And these letters are, well, private.”
His eyes go wide and he lets out a whistle “Wow! That’s a lot of love letters!” He elbows me. “Nice work dude.”
“Spike!” I squawk at him, “N-not that kind of private!” I look down. “Besides, I’m not even sure if I’m sending these.”
“Well, what are they then?” He asks, sounding disappointed.
“They’re... They’re...” I try to think of how to best explain them away. But... This is a talk I’ve been putting off for a while. And I should probably just pony up and go through with it. “They’re something I need to talk to you about actually, Spike.”
Instead of responding, he walks away, and grabs a stool, setting it next to my desk. He plops down in it.
I give him a look.
“Hey!” He looks offended. “I know that tone of voice! Knowing you this might be a long one.”
I smile, conceding. “Alright, you’re very prepared. Good job Spike.”
“So...?”
“Right, yes. Um...” How do I broach something like this? “Spike. Would you be... disappointed if I wasn’t your brother anymore?”
“Whoa! Of course, I wasn’t that mad about the bed time!” he says with concern.
“Oh gosh, Spike! That’s not what I meant, of course we’ll always be family!” I correct quickly. “What I mean is, would you be disappointed if I was something else instead of a brother?”
“I’m not getting it, what else would you be?”
“Instead of a brother, something like a... a sibling?”
The gears turn behind Spikes eyes “How’s that even any different—“ his eyes suddenly go wide “Oh. Oohhhhhhh.” He stares at me, gathering his thoughts. I can’t help but look away, fixed on the letters on my desk. “So. That means you’re like, transgender?” He says unsurely.
“Mm, yes, Mostly.” I reply without looking back at him. I’m definitely not breathing at this point, and it doesn’t help that I won’t look at him.
I hear the patter of tiny feet on hardwood, and then two little dragon arms wrap around me. Frozen for a moment, I wrap my hooves around him as well. We stay like that for a long while.
When he finally pulls back, Spike says “You know, I kinda noticed—”
That gets my adrenaline going again, my voice cracks, “N-noticed what? Oh gosh, I’m not ready to be out to everypony yet! What was it?”
Spike laughs. “No no! I noticed you’ve been a lot happier.” He smiles gently. “So whatever it is, you should keep doing it.”
“Oh.” I say, softly. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes. “Thank you, Spike. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
He waves me off. “Yeah, I know, I’m the best little brother ever.” Then he hops back onto his stool. “Now tell all about it.”
I blink the tears out of my eyes, and readjust myself. Smiling softly, I say, “Ok. So, I’ve decided I’m Agender. I’m not a stallion, or a mare, or even anything in between. I’m just a pony now, no gendered identifiers needed! I’m using they them pronouns now too.”
Spike slowly nods his head up and down, eventually repeating, “Ok. Ok, yeah.” He scratches his chin. “I think I got it. I’ve never actually hung out with any they them using ponies before, but it doesn’t sound that hard. I can totally be cool about it, don’t worry!”
“I know you will Spike, it’s ok if you need some practice,” I say, “As for what the letters are for, they’re invitations for a party celebrating me coming out. You’re invited of course!”
“Oh, cool! That's almost as good as love notes.” Spike nods. A second after that, he starts to raise a claw, then quickly lowers it.
“Yes Spike? It’s ok, ask,” I reassure.
Spike looks around a bit before settling on me. “...Why? Why all this?” Then he holds up his claws defensively. “I’m not trying to be rude or anything, it just seems sudden!”
My eyes widen a little and I chuckle lightly. “Not at all. Why is a pretty good question actually.”
I concentrate inwardly, gathering the narrative in my head. I’ve never had to explain this to somepony who was totally out of the loop about my gender before. “The truth is, I just… never liked being a stallion. It’s always been uncomfortable, I just ignored it.” I sigh. “But now I actually have friends who know me, and care about me. And for once, it forced me to confront how other ponies see me. And the longer I went with my friends thinking of me as a stallion, the more miserable and insecure I felt about it.” More light starts to fill my eyes, as I think toward the next part of this story. “But my friends helped show me it didn’t have to be that way, I could choose to change things. Change my life into something that fit me better, that made me happier.”
Spikes eyes are wide. “Wow! That’s pretty cool!” He squints. “Not the miserable part I mean. The part about just deciding who you want to be!” He looks up at me “You can just do that?”
“I know right? That’s what I said too!” I laugh. “But it’s true.”
Spike blinks at me, then blinks some more. “Huh.” Is all he says, a far away look in his eyes. Then he rubs the back of his neck with a claw “I think I’m actually going to turn in. Thanks for telling me about your new, uh, gender thing!”
“Of course, sleep well Spike.” I say warmly.
He starts to climb the stairs to the sleeping loft, but turns around to say, “Goodnight br–” He stops himself and tilts his head, thinking. “Goodnight, uh, sib!” he says, immediately rounding the corner.
It takes my brain a moment to process what ‘sib’ means. But when I do, I can’t stop my tired smile spreading from ear to ear. I stop myself from squealing out loud, channelling it into doing a silent little dance in my chair. The warmth stays in my chest. I really do have the best little brother.