//------------------------------//
// Hotel Hell Prologue: Drunk Griffons and Helpful Zebras 
// Story: Kitchen Nightmares: Equestrian Misadventures 
// by Spettro138 
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The broadcast was an instant success for Gordon and Equestria. Everyone on Earth now had a taste of what Equestria was like. Unfortunately, Twilight underestimated the level of human curiosity and greed. Thousands of news organizations around the world took what little information they had from the broadcast and what they saw of Ponyville, Twilight's Castle, and Canterlot, and came up with even more theories, speculations, and outlandish conclusions about her magical homeland. It was quite overwhelming to hear a large portion of the media completely missing the point of everything the broadcast was meant for. 

Even most of the "late-night talk shows" she was introduced to had made odd and rather disrespectful jokes about her and her country. So much so that Twilight sent a message back to Equestria to triple the security around the emergence points of the portal. Many others understood and appreciated their gesture of goodwill which she was grateful for. She trusted the individual human person, but people were panicky, dangerous creatures who often made rash decisions based on fear and anger and she knew it.	

Twilight and Gordon were sitting together, sifting through a large number of emails and calls his office was being bombarded with. Many of them from news organizations, political leaders, dignitaries, and corporations asking more and more questions. Of course, she couldn't answer everything at the moment. One particular offer for an interview from a man named Conan O' Brian seemed to suit her fancy. He appeared to be respectful for the most part and was refreshingly self-effacing. His studio sent over a few correspondences asking if she would like to visit and talk on their show at a later date. Smiling, she filed the letters into one of the multicolored "maybe" folders. Interested in the prospect, Gordon had told her mostly flattering things about this Conan and found him adequate. 

"I suppose some things are common in every world," Twilight grumbled. "The press always wants to make outlandish claims, use what they claim to be sources and data that aren't backed up, and spout nonsense without knowing a thing about you. There was that time when the press tried forcing their idea on what would make my friends and I "better characters" I have no idea what they were talking about. Then Pinkie just told me it was just Hasbro abusing the very fans that give them money. Whatever that means. "

"Yeah, sorry about that Twilight," Gordon apologized. "That's why I've tried to avoid politics for years now. After serving food to the Prime Minister and President Putin, I've made it a point to stay out of everything publicly. It's not worth the hassle."

"At the very least, I can have a fun time if I have to do an interview here." she thought out loud. 

Rainbow, Gilda, and the others meanwhile celebrated their success downstairs in the main dining room. Hell's Kitchen was normally a packed dinner-and-a-show establishment. Tonight, however the place was closed off for a private party for the Equestrians. Gordon's auxiliary staff prepared them a variety of vegetarian dishes which they all appreciated greatly. Accompanied by a wide assortment of desserts and alcoholic drinks that added to the delight of their dining experience. Gilda and Rainbow were getting into a precarious situation again, drinking away round after round of Gordon's hard cider on tap. While most of the food was being paid for by Gordon and the U.S government, the two tomboyish ladies were pushing their luck. Frothy liquid spilled down the sides of their mouths like waterfalls as they chugged down.

Rarity Goldie and Applejack were enjoying food ordered in from a local Japanese restaurant. The unique food was greatly appreciated by the trio. Goldie and Rarity gingerly ate each piece in one bite as proper for self-proclaimed ladies of distinction. Every time using a few small strips of pickled ginger to properly brush the fish with soy sauce. Applejack however was enjoying a hearty seafood Yakisoba fried noodles bowl with plenty of eggs. Pinkie and Fluttershy however were finding their way around extra-large veggie pizzas that Gordon's staff had an easier time making. It was quite a multi-variety feast. Spike, being as helpful as he was assisted the crew in cleaning the lobby before eating anything.

"Come on over Spike!" Pinkie trilled with a mouth full of cheese. "Don't be a party pooper!"

Rainbow only made a sound of agreement as she sputtered some alcohol out of her mouth. 

"Is she gonna be okay?" Spike asked with concern.

"Ah, she'll pass out any second." Applejack assured. "I'll hang the dummy upside down in case she breathed in any of that cider. By the way, it ain't half bad! It's not my family's brew, but it's a solid 8 or 9."

Like clockwork, both the pegasus and the griffin hen finished their last stein of cider and simultaneously passed out, falling off of their chairs in opposite directions.

"Eh, I'll eat in a little bit," Spike replied. "It looks like you guys are a little busy."

"I'll set aside some of this delectable sushi and rice for you Spike," Rarity gleamed. "Our favorite drake needs to keep up his strength."

Spike blushed at the unicorn's praise, feeling his grip on the broom get tighter. Suddenly, he felt the aluminum start to cave as he looked down and saw he had made a claw-shaped dent in the handle. He suddenly noticed this and quickly hid the broom in a nearby closet.

"You know what? All of a sudden, I'm really hungry now. I think I'll take you up on that offer," Spike nervously shouted.

The dragon climbed onto the human-sized chair and with the unicorn's help, he grabbed ahold of a pair of chopsticks. Awkwardly handling them at first, but getting the hang of it after mimicking the mare.

The general manager working the night shift came out of the kitchen to check up on everypony. His hair was neatly jelled over and his neat black uniform was tucked in. The marble white buttons going down his shirt shone in the bright floodlights overhead. 

"Are you ladies and gentlemen enjoying your meals?" he asked graciously.

"Quite," Rarity nodded. "The food on Earth is divine!"

"Absolutely!" Pinkie exclaimed. "I'll take fifteen dozen boxes of the same veggie pizza home please!"

"...What?" the manager asked.

"Fifteen dozen boxes to take home please!"

The manager looked confused for a moment until Pinkie pulled a few stacks of hundred dollar bills out of her mane and put them in his hand. His eyes stared down at the neat stacks with an empty expression.

"Where'd you get that Pinkie?" Spike asked worriedly.

"From the casino," she responded simply. "Those slots were really easy!"

The manager counted out the money quickly, flipping through each of the bills.

"That comes out to $5400. That...will certainly cover it," he replied before running into the back kitchen.

Pinkie held a big smile on her face as everyone else was horrified hearing the man barking language at the kitchen staff that only Gordon could have taught him. Sounds of people rushing around, plates crashing, and pots being tossed about echoed through the whole restaurant.

"Do you think they're gonna take long?" Pinkie asked the others innocently.

A few days later, after everypony once again had their fill of Las Vegas, the trip back to the portal emergence point took less time now that Twilight knew where it was. Both she and Gordon had made many preparations in the coming months, once they were to come back to Earth for a third time. This next time, however, they would be a little bit more confident and enthusiastic about dealing with the press. Gordon went back to London for a day to speak to his family face to face about everything that had happened. He certainly needed the closure. Twilight meanwhile had a fairly good idea on what to do next regarding their first Hotel Hell. There was certainly no small number of inns and hotels that had popped up in Ponyville since she first moved there a few years back. 

The trip out to the desert was somewhat quieter this time, with Twilight creating an invisibility cloak around the car. She had insisted that it would prevent the paparazzi from following them. Everypony was all abuzz from the events of the past week. Gordon himself was considering something special.

'Twilight had been a pretty damn good host. I may be her friend, but she's still one of the leaders of a foreign country. Maybe I should ask the others to see if there's anything I can do just to show my appreciation,' he thought.

Twilight stopped once again at the flat spot of dirt in a clearing between dried-out bushes and cacti where the rocks had parted. She looked down and saw something halfway hidden in the dirt. Curious, she carefully extracted and brushed rocks and dirt from around the strange object. 

"What did you find Twilight?" Applejack asked.

"Probably found a nerdy thing," Rainbow and Gilda said in unison.

"I'm not sure..."

She finally grabbed the object in her magical grasp which was about the size of a baseball. It was a strange-looking rock. Chipping away at pieces of the rock, the shards fell off revealing what looked to be a talon of some sort.

"It's a fossil!" she exclaimed with excitement. "I wonder what it belonged to?"

"There's a lot of those in the southwestern states. Mostly in the mountains and deserts." Gordon explained. "Impressive eyes Twilight."

"Do you think I can keep it?" Twilight asked.

"Don't know why you're asking me, I don't see why not," Gordon shrugged. "You like fossils?"

"I love them! I've collected any artifacts and fossils I've ever come across ever since I was a filly! I love preserving the past."

"She has a growing collection of those in her new study," Spike whispered over. "If you ever want to gift her with anything, books, scrolls, glasses, socks, magic, ancient artifacts of any kind, and fossils are definitely the ways to go."

"Hmmm..."

After pocketing the fossil, Twilight and the others gathered together as the alicorn ignited her horn into a bright field and cracked open the portal once again, allowing them to dive into the whipping, swirling boundaries of time and space.

Everyone popped back out on the other side, no worse for wear this time around. Gordon, Gilda, Goldie, and the other humans, however, still not used to interdimensional travel puked their guts into the nearest trash can.

"Damnit! How long is that gonna keep happening?" Gordon asked no one in particular.

"Rainbow couldn't stop heaving the first dozen times, now she's alright."

"Dozen? Aren't you guys only visiting Earth?" Gilda asked with her voice echoing around the aluminum can.

Twilight laughed sheepishly and rubbed her right foreleg, remembering an interdimensional encounter with a human red-suited speedster that reminded her of Rainbow Dash.

Everyone went home a few minutes after reacclimating to Equestria's atmosphere, heading in separate directions. It was still late morning, closing in on noon, which left Gordon with a bit of time left to work on finding his "present" to Twilight. 

"Twilight darling? Is it alright if Spike and I just walk around town a bit? There's something I'd like his help with." Gordon asked politely.

She looked back at the two with a confused expression for a moment.

"Hm? His help? Why?"

Spike started to sweat and cough nervously, but he came up with a convincing half-truth. 

"There's something we need to do for you that you don't know about. It's a surprise." Spike said.

"A surprise?"

"Yeah. We'll see you in a few hours," Spike said as he grabbed Gordon and ran off in a strange direction.

She watched them go and had an aching suspicion about where they were going. 

"I really hope Spike isn't taking him into Everfree. I'd rather not risk the life of a human, let alone the life of my friend." 

Spike led a confused Gordon to the edge of the Everfree Forest. The damp grass gently flexed under his feet as they walked off the beaten path and went down and over the few hills of a rolling meadow. The tree line was very noticeable for miles. An ominous mixture of dead rotting trees, a few old oak trees, and weeping willows that were bunched together like a wall for miles. It looked like the entrance to an entirely different place. Quite the contrast to this normally beautiful, flawless country Gordon had found himself in.

"Where are we?" Gordon asked.

"Some kind of swamp?" Jay guessed.

"This is the Everfree Forest. A pretty sketchy place but we've found a few paths that have made it slightly safer." Spike explained.

"Only slightly?"

"Yeah, it's still the most magically unstable place in Equestria, along with all the monsters, ancient artifacts, and the original Castle of the Two Sisters."

"Are you sure this is a good idea Spike? I'd rather just buy her something in town if it's going to be this much trouble." Gordon said.

"Don't worry," Spike said dismissively. "A friend of ours lives here just a half-mile in."

Gordon was a little hesitant, but he had plenty of experience with traversing dangerous terrain before.

"Fuck me," he whispered. "Alright, but let's be quick and be out before dark. I'd rather not be around when the nocturnal animals hunt about."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that much," Spike agreed. "Come on. Let's hurry up. Grab a few big sticks probably just in case."

Gordon, Jay, and the two other cameramen who accompanied them did just that as they looked around and found fallen branches that were girthy enough to serve as clubs. Just in case they ran into any wild animals. Spike shrugged as he guided them into the forest. 

It was quite a unique opportunity to document a large amount of the local fauna and flora. Jay had figured he could sell the footage to many of the nature channels and universities back on Earth. With Twilight and Princess Celestia's permission of course. The walk for the most part was fairly uneventful, save for the occasional snake that slithered across the mossy, muddy path. Or the many sounds of crickets and frogs spread all about the forest. Sunlight crept through the trees now and then, but Gordon had a funny feeling that it wouldn't be like that for long.

Only a half-hour walk later, the group came into a fairly large grotto with a larger tree that created a clearing. The tree appeared to be a hollowed-out house. A small, well-built cobblestone path came up to where they were standing. It looked pretty new. Various strange gourds, bags, and bottles, hung down from the branches of the tree, swaying in the gentle breeze that blew through the forest now and then. 

"Strange, but looks cozy enough," Gordon remarked.

Spike ran up to the door and gave it a few solid raps, hearing some shuffling inside before the door swung open. A mare vaguely resembling a zebra came out and immediately saw Spike, smiling at her. They hugged warmly.

"Spike my very sweet little friend! How nice of you to visit my home, coming around the path's bend!" the mare rhymed. "What, I say, can I do for you on this very fine day?"

"We need some help Zecora. This is Gordon Ramsay and his uh...companions," Spike said. 

Zecora looked up quizzically and beamed at the humans waiting patiently behind the baby dragon.

"Oh, how grand! You must be the human band that arrived in Equestria!" she exclaimed.

Gordon thought the way she spoke was a little strange but he concluded that it was just a cultural oddity. He nodded down and shook her hoof gently. She reciprocated the gesture in kind.

"Chef Gordon Ramsay ma'am," he greeted. "These are my employees."

"A delight to meet you, Mr. Ramsay. It's not everyday foreign company from another world greets me."

Spike told Zecora about every strange thing that had happened since Gordon came to Equestria and explained their situation. The mare expressed her gratitude for Gordon assisting her new home in Equestria. 

"Oh my, a gift for Twilight in the form of an ancient plant or bone? That is quite the task and you shall not go alone. There is a field just a few miles north, I shall accompany you to acquire a fossil henceforth." 

"Thank you Miss Zecora. I hope it's not trouble," Gordon said. "Twilight has been quite kind and hospitable to me and my associates. I just wanted to see if I can do something nice for her as thanks. Especially after all the insanity of the past few weeks."

"A beautiful gesture of friendship. I approve. I am certain with your gift, she will be moved. Twilight is very dear to me as well, she has been like a student to me in some ways. I only hope she has been doing well as of late among strife's horrid haze."

"Yeah, the outbreak has been pretty bad in some parts of the country apparently and it's put Twilight under a lot of stress to keep it from coming to Ponyville," Spike said. "Every piece of food that's been entering town doesn't get in without her approval."


Zecora went back into her hut and came back out with a simple cloth pack that hung over her shoulder. She grabbed an oaken staff with a crook in it that was laid against the door frame. She led them around the hut and down another path which she explained to have cut out herself. The walk was silent with the occasional exchange of small talk about each other's worlds. When she heard Spike's stomach rumbling, she handed the boy a strangely colored bowl filled with a fruit paste that looked like yogurt. It was an adequate snack as they trudged through the humid forest.

Despite her odd mannerisms, Gordon started to rather like the zebra mare. She had a very humble home in a hazardous place, but he had known and loved people with even less and in even more hazardous circumstances. His stay in places like Vietnam and Cambodia came to mind. 

Idly looking around, Gordon saw a small group of mushrooms under a large root just by the path. They had darker colored gills under the bells so he knew they were safe enough to eat. At least he hoped they were. Thinking about a pasta dish he could make for Twilight that evening, he called out to Zecora who looked back questioningly. 

"Is there something wrong?" she asked.

"Would it be alright if I grabbed a few of the mushrooms on your property?" he asked.

She trotted over and looked to where he was pointing. Taking her stick, she uprooted the spot, dirt and all with the entire batch of mushrooms.

"Why of course Mr. Gordon! Take as much as you'd like. You have quite an eye for ingredients like I do. Just be careful and thoroughly wash the ones that smell of fresh guano." she said nonchalantly.

Gordon gave her a humorous look but shrugged and carefully placed them into a bag he had brought along with him.

Spike had finished the bowl of fruit paste Zecora had given him and was licking the rim.

"Guano? Why does that sound so familiar?" Spike asked.

"Bat droppings," Gordon replied.

"It's quite useful for pottery," Zecora beamed. "I often find piles of it under an oak tree!"

Spike all of a sudden felt sick and handed the bowl back to the zebra before moving his tongue around his mouth in a strange way. Now everything tasted funny. Spitting discreetly to remain polite to his friend.

"Yummy..." he said sarcastically.

Back in Ponyville, Twilight had found the perfect target for their next venture just a mile from the castle. An old hangout of her and Spike which had tripled in size in only a few years. The cafe Inn which Twilight and Spike often had lunch for the first few years in Ponyville. The Sunshine Inn and Cafe. The old owner Butter Mellow had moved away to be with his family in Manehatten while two of the Flower Sisters Rose and Daisy took ownership of it.  Their first order of business was integrating their old floral shop into the ground floor which also was the lobby. Their other sister Lily Valley came on to be their receptionist and general manager of the flower shop and hotel. All the while building it up into a six-floor hotel right in the middle of town.

She sent a letter to the three Sisters, wanting to get the lowdown on what exactly was the problem with their hotel. Her experiences with the trio have been less than exemplary for years. Always knowing them to overreact, cry, or get angry at every little thing that didn't suit their fancy. She could only imagine how insane how her and Gordon's first Hotel Hell was going to pan out...

Next Time: Hotel Hell-The First In Ponyville part 1