//------------------------------// // Chapter 2 Part 5 (APRIL FOOLS) // Story: Magical Medicine // by yellowbastion //------------------------------// You are Anonymous. You still find yourself in some sort of hazy glow space with the whitest and horsiest horse woman this side of wherever the fuck this place is. And just now you have had what you consider to be your biggest and brightest idea of all time. Your superior human frontal lobes tingle with anticipation. Now to set things in motion. “Now, hol’ up a moment.” You say. The ex-Princess of clip-cloppness comes to a complete stop just ahead of you, holding up a hoof in mid-stride like you would see children’s plastic horse toys from back home. One of her ears focus on you like a villain would target James Bond with a head exploding death laser. “What seems to ..” she begins to ask, but you cut her off in mid-ellipsis because you have more shit to say. Your speech is going to be the stuff of legends. “I have gone far enough and will go no further. You and your little ponies have pushed and pulled me around for far too long already. You and your little student stole me from my very universe, away from my friends, family, and very species. Ever since I got here all I’ve ever wanted was to go home. And now! Now… this. Whatever this is. No. Not me, not here, and not now. I was finally about to go back home and you ripped that chance away from me. I’m fed up. I’m done. I’m not going to idly follow along any more to all your pony shi-stuff. I’m making my own path.” Celestia turns her head to face you, to look you directly in your eyes, in a way that horses back home woulden’t. Her facial expression is flat, like she had just opened a new carton of eggs and discovered that one of them had a cracked shell. “And how do you propose you ‘make your own path’, hmmm?” She must think that you’re bluffing, like you don’t have a plan and will just bend over and take whatever this little pony universe has lined up for you. But you’re smart. And clever. And very, very handsome. You’ve had first hand experience of a universe not of your own. You’ve seen some serious shit go down. Shit so shat it shart itself. But you have learned, like some sort of autonomous learning computer A.I. but with more squishy meat bits and less blinking lights and wires. You know about things that wouldn't be possible back home can be everyday occurrences here. And now you’re going to use those smarty-smart things you have learned against the pony universe itself. This is gunna be gud. You cough to clear your throat and begin, “I, Anonymous the human, Pinkie Promise…” “And what do you expe…” “No not take another breath for as long as I live…” “Which wouldn't be for very long.” “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” You make sure to do the motions, too, poking yourself in the eye with your pointer finger. The ex-princess raises an eyebrow. “A stirring speech, really. What did you expect to accomplish, Anonymous?” Here it comes, your big finally. Now you have just got to get ready to spring into action. You finish your final sentence with finality, like a gray bearded wizard casting a difficult spell, “And breaking a Pinkie Promise is the fastest way to lose a friend.” “Forever!” Said a pink poof-haired pony that somehow popped out of a hatch in the water floor that you’re damn sure wasn’t there a second ago. Just as planned. The newly appeared pony, not the hatch. Even your very big brain couldn't have expected a floor door to appear. You may never find out how Pinkie manages to do the voodoo that she does so well but you’re grateful that she somehow does. The nearly-a-queen pony princess was too stunned to say anything as you dashed to the mystery magic hatch and dove in, past Pinkie Pie who was still pointing dramatically where you were standing not even a second ago. You’re very fast. You know how fast the speed of a blink is? Like, half that speed. You’re that fast. Like, whoosh! Before you could think up any more metaphors you’re in Sugarcube Corner. Specifically, in the upper floor, in Pinkie Pie’s room, sitting on her bed. You know this because you have repressed memories of hiding from Fluttershy’s rabbit in this very room. Pinkie taught you how to braid hair. It was a pretty good day. A very familiar pink pony appeared on the bed beside you with hardly a sound, who then made many rapid sounds that sometimes sounded like talking but only much faster. She didn’t at all look surprised to see you here, in her room, on her bed, with fewer bite marks. Nothing strange seemed the phase her. She just rolled with it like water off a ducks back. “Oh, hey Nonny! Are you here for cupcakes?” Well, she said a lot of words at you really fast but you're pretty sure she said something about cupcakes. She usually does. It's one of the best things about her. Either that, or her other love, soap stone carving, but you're not going to make that mistake again. Those carvings may look cool, and sometimes like food, but they taste awful. “Hey Poinks,” you reply, nonchalant. “Sure, let’s go get some cupcakes.” Before Pinkie just smiling, now she was Smiling™. Pinkie bounds from the bed and scampers out the door and down the stairs to the ground floor, the whole way you can hear her joyfully shouting, “Wheeeeee!” You stand up and stretch both arms high above your head, the familiar faint pops and cracks from your elbows and spine reach your ears. You let your arms flop down, then your roll your shoulders as you gently rotate your neck. This is your well deserved victory stretch. No princess had followed you through the trap door. Pinkie being back here with you means that the trap door closed behind her, as they do. Either the Princess was lying or she was wrong, either of which wouldn't shock you one bit. A person could obviously use a different exit other then the entrance they had used to reach water-sky-fog space. You being back here in Ponyville proved it. A big brained genius like you knows that is just how science works. And now the most cheerful, pinkest pink pony named Pinkie Pie awaits you with a plan to make some delicious cupcakes downstairs. Science is pretty cool like that. You’re now free. Well, as free as you were twenty minutes ago, which is pretty free, all things considered. You swagger your way after the speedy tiny horse girl, visions of sugary treats dancing in your head. Princess Celestia is a big pony, probably the biggest, in more ways than one. She can find her own damn way back. Eventually. Anonymous, one. Pony universe, zero.