//------------------------------// // Chapter 8 // Story: Swapping Scales For Suave // by Jest //------------------------------// “Aaand there,” Rarity declared triumphantly, setting down the quill she had been using. “That's the last of my appearances canceled. Now all I need to do is drop everything off at the post office and we are good to go for the next month or so.” “Would you mind running my letters down there as well?” Spike asked, the unicorn gesturing to the small mountain that sat next to him. Rarity blinked, her gaze sweeping across the table they had both been using and the several empty pots of ink at its edge. Broken quills, scrapped pieces of paper, and a half eaten daisy sandwich sat amongst the detritus that cluttered the space. Having been at it for the majority of the afternoon it made sense that it would be a bit messy, and Rarity made a note of cleaning it up soon. “Oh absolutely dear. Did you get all the letters ready that you wanted?” Rarity inquired. Spike nodded, the unicorn gently touching the tip of his aching horn. “Yeah and I felt like I damn near expended every bit of magic I can use in the process.” “Still, it was worth it right?” Rarity half stated, half asked. Spike smiled, as he grabbed his sandwich. “Quite so. After this is all sent, we’ll be able to relax and focus totally on the wedding.” “Wonderful, absolutely wonderful,” Rarity exclaimed. “I’m so glad we didn't keep pretending to be each other. One shenanigan filled day was quite enough for me.” The unicorn chewed hastily, and swallowed his food before speaking. “No kidding. Its a good thing neither of us are professional actors.” “I don't know. I think I could handle the glitz and glamour of Hollywood,” Rarity exclaimed, striking a pose that looked ridiculous given that she was a dragon at the moment. Spike chuckled. “I mean the paparazzi, pressure, and public would be nothing to you. Though there is a reason neither of us got invited back to help for the hearth's warming play.” “Oh pisha. We were merely making way for the younger generation to have their turn in the spotlight,” Rarity declared in a faux haughty tone. “You know now that you mention it. We were pretty awesome. It's probably a good thing we never got that second invite,” Spike remarked with a smirk. “We must protect our perfect track record,” Rarity stated. “Exactly,” Spike replied. “It's just like how I’ll never golf with Night Light ever again.” Rarity giggled politely into her hand. “You know I’m still a little amazed that you won that little competition in the first place. From everything you’ve told me Night Light is quite the golf nut.” “If anyone asks just tell them I got lucky. Between me and you there might have been a very good sale on his favorite beer that day,” Spike whispered conspiratorily. “If there is one thing that family can't resist, it's a sale,” Rarity remarked with a small smile. “Even puts me to shame.” “That and used book stores,” Spike added. “Heaven forbid the book store is having a sale. Didn't Twilight clean out her bank account buying books?” Rarity exclaimed. Spike chuckled. “That's nothing. This one place Twilight visited a lot when we were younger was going out of business and the silly mare took out a loan so she could buy books.” Rarity smiled. “Say, how is she doing nowadays? I regret that I haven't had the chance to truly sit down and talk to her in a little while. Without their being some manner of catastrophe of course.” Spike shrugged. “Not bad. Twilight offered to spread the word about our curse after I told her about our little impersonation incident.” “That's… good. I really should find the time to have tea with the dear again,” Rarity muttered. “Though it makes me wonder what the girls will think of our little situation.” “I don't know what the others may do, but I can already hear the jabs Rainbow Dash is going to make,” Spike groaned. “I know Rainbow can be a bit uncouth, but surely she won't be too cruel,” Rarity offered in a tone that made it clear that she didn't quite believe her own words. Spike shrugged his shoulders as he hopped off his chair. “It's okay, I'm sure she will be respectful.” Rarity blinked. “Are you certain of that darling?” “No,” Spike muttered. “Lets just make some lunch and get started on the other preparations. I’ve had my eye on that cake all morning.” “Excellent suggestion,” Rarity replied, following after her partner. “Though may I recommend a light salad with a sugarless lemonade to drink instead?” “Only if you go on that run you promised,” Spike retorted. Rarity sighed. “Cake it is.” “Is anyone here?” called the familiar voice of Twilight Sparkle from the entrance to the boutique. “The sign says you’re closed.” “Come in darling!” Rarity exclaimed, the dragon trotting excitedly from the back of the shop. “It should be unlocked.” Twilight pushed her way inside, wiping her hooves on the welcome mat. “Thanks Rarity. It's really starting to come down out there.” The dragon peered over her guest’s shoulder, glancing curiously at the wall of rain waiting just outside the door. “Oh my goodness. I didn't know we were in for a shower,” Rarity remarked. “We werent,” Twilight explained, using a spell to quickly dry her fur. “Apparently the Everfree threw this our way at the last minute and there was nothing the weather team could do about it.” “I would have expected Rainbow Dash would be quite irritated by the whole affair,” Rarity posited. Twilight chuckled. “Not in the slightest. We were in for a rain this weekend so Rainbow decided to take the day off and move the weather schedule around a bit.” “Oh so you saw her?” Rarity offered, extending an arm towards the back of the boutique. “Would you like some tea dear?” “Sure,” Twilight muttered, following after the mare. “You know it's still a little weird hearing your voice come out of Spike’s mouth.” “Well hopefully we can get this entire thing wrapped up before you can get used to it,” Rarity replied. Twilight nodded. “Lets hope, and yes I met Rainbow Dash at Sugarcube Corner earlier today.” “That's nice. I’m glad that no one will get us mixed up before we can get this whole thing settled,” Rarity exclaimed, the dragon pulling open a drawer. “Still drink earl grey?” “Actually if you have any raspberry tea I’d appreciate it,” Twilight replied. “Oh branching out I see,” Rarity commented. “Yes, well. I figured it was about time I stopped pretending to like the stuff,” Twilight stated somewhat hesitantly. “Let me guess. Earl grey is Celestia’s favorite?” Rarity inquired. “Yes...” Twilight shrugged awkwardly. Rarity giggled. “Well I’m proud of you darling.” “Thank you Rarity. Say, where is Spike off to?” Twilight inquired. “Oh he’s just upstairs. Said something about lifting weights,” Rarity replied. Twilight raised an eyebrow. “He knows it won't exactly carry over right?” “It's his happy place,” Rarity exclaimed simply. Twilight nodded knowingly. “Well I hope he enjoys his time alone, because Rainbow Dash should be done with her paperwork right about now.” As if on cue, there was a sudden crash followed by a feminine screech that echoed from the second story. The sound of a certain speedster’s unique laugh wasn't far behind, which preceded an angry shout from Spike. “They are probably fine right?” Twilight asked, tapping her forehooves together. “I’m sure they are just-” Rarity began. “You jerk!” Spike shrieked. “So… Cake?” Rarity offered, gesturing to the fridge. “You can't just sneak up on people like that!” Spike shouted, a hot blush crossing his face. “I could have dropped that weight on my head.” “Oh no not the two pounder,” Rainbow Dash remarked between bouts of cackling. “It still would have hurt,” Spike muttered bitterly, crossing his forehooves over his chest. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “And you wouldn't even have the benefit of that thick skull of yours to help out.” “Hey, Rarity’s head is plenty thick,” Spike retorted. The pair exchanged a laugh as Rainbow Dash sat down on the bed, with Spike plunking down next to her a second later. “Very true. I remember when I tried to ask her out that one time and it took like a half hour to get my point across,” Rainbow Dash wistfully exclaimed. “You were also very drunk from what I recall and Rarity might have been a bit too polite with her denial,” Spike pointed out. “True. Soo… were you drunk when you bought those things or what’s your excuse?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, gesturing towards Spike’s horn. The unicorn shook his head. “Nah. I was just a bit too… taken by the price tag.” “Oh you’re as bad as Twilight. One time I saw her buy a book on griffon parenting just because it was ninety percent off,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “It was like fifty years old too, and missing half its pages.” “Yes well. Twilight can be a bit over eager when it comes to her desire to preserve history,” Spike replied. “Speaking of history. What's it like to be the first guy to ever become his own girlfriend?” Rainbow Dash asked with a smirk, leaning in close to the other pony. “I bet you miss pissing standing up dontcha?” Spike coughed into his hoof. “I might.” “Ya know when I suggested you get to know her a little better I didn't mean wear her skin ya know,” Rainbow Dash declared. “Augh you make it sound like I skinned her or something weird. I may be a dragon but I’m not from the book Red Dragon,” Spike retorted, crossing his hooves over his chest. “Oh come on this is totally like that, just with more metaphor and less fake blood,” Rainbow Dash argued, the mare hopping off the bed. “And speaking of blood, have you gotten to that time yet?” Spike blanched and shook his head. “N-no,” he stuttered. Rainbow Dash laughed. “Oh that's going to be so funny. Oh and you have heat to look forward to as well. That's gotta be coming up soon.” “I never thought of that,” Spike muttered to himself. “Oh the unbearable, constant itch, the insatiable desire to chase down the nearest stallion and just do him right there in the street,” Rainbow Dash chuckled. “If anything can scramble your delicate hetrosexuality it's gonna be that.” Spike rolled over onto his side and stuck his hoof into his mouth. Rainbow Dash didn't notice and merely continued to pace while she talked. “We’ll have to lock you up or something, lest you end up with some random dude’s baby or something and…” The pegasus paused and glanced over to the now catatonic unicorn sucking on his hoof. “Woah dude you know I was just joshing ya. Aww jeese I bet Rarity’s emotions got that brain of yours all jumbled up.” “Oh stars above I’m going to ruin everything,” Spike muttered to himself. “My marriage, Rarity’s body, everything! She’d never marry me if I-” Rainbow Dash’s hoof stopped that train of thought dead in its thoughts after it impacted the former dragon’s face. Now blinking in confusion, Spike looked up to see a sheepish looking pegasus standing over him. “Hey sorry for teasing ya like that. I kinda expected you to jab back like usual ya know,” Rainbow Dash apologized, offering the unicorn a weak shrug. “I…” Spike paused to rub his cheek. “Accept your apology.” “Great now make some kind of joke about me or whatever. So its fair,” Rainbow Dash offered, opening her hooves wide. Spike paused and rubbed his chin before suddenly sitting upright a few seconds later. “I have no idea how you managed to pack all that arrogance, sense of worth, and self entitlement into that head of yours. All I can say is that you should have been a professional tetris player. Or mover.” “Dude,” Rainbow Dash muttered, mouth agape. “That was the harshest razzing I’ve ever received. You’ve really come a long way from calling me a house head.” “I was twelve!” Spike shouted. Rainbow Dash snickered and fell back onto the bed, throwing a hoof around the unicorn’s shoulders. “Feel better now, man?” Spike nodded. “Yeah. I guess all these weird hormones are messing with me still.” “Nah,” Rainbow Dash quickly dismissed. “I shoulda been more cognizant of your mental state and not jumped right into our usual jabs.” “Cognizant, that's a big one for you,” Spike retorted, poking a hoof into the pegasus’s side. “Yeah it was on that word calendar that Twilight got me a few years back. Finally started using the thing a week ago,” Rainbow Dash replied with a shrug. “So,” Spike began. “Why did you come over, or was it just to bother me?” “Well that was one part of it,” Rainbow Dash admitted. “The other half was to congratulate you on finally getting Rarity to marry you. I thought you both would be stuck in this state of constant proposal limbo because you were both too chicken to actually propose.” “I just needed to find Rarity, the perfect ring is all,” Spike muttered. “Well maybe you should've settled for less than perfect,” Rainbow Dash retorted. “Like you did with Spitfire?” Spike replied. “Hey, that was a whole weird thing. Besides, what happens in Las Pegasus, stays in Las Pegasus,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. Spike chuckled. “Well I appreciate it. We think that by going through with the ceremony that the curse will be lifted so hopefully I never have to go through any of… well that.” “Ahh you'll be fine,” Rainbow Dash stated confidently, reclining onto the bed. “Twilight would move the heavens themselves if it meant helping you, and Rarity would probably lend a hoof-er claw as well.” “Very true. I just hope our finances can take the blow,” Spike muttered. “Oh? Rarity wants something fancy does she?” Rainbow Dash asked. Spike shuddered. “You don't know the half of it. We’ll be lucky if we even have a savings account after this whole thing is over.” “Oof, well maybe I can save you a few bits and offer up the wonderbolts to do a flyover on the house,” Rainbow Dash offered. “You’d do that?” Spike replied, eyes wide. “Of course I would buddy,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Besides, Spits still owes me a favor and she keeps trying to get me to call it in whenever we hang out. She hates that I keep lording it over her.” Spike nodded. “Well that would be great. I’ll have to clear it with Rarity but I’m sure it won't be a problem.” “Hey no problem dude. You know I’ve always got your back,” Rainbow Dash stated. “Like how you had my back in Manehatten?” Spike replied. Rainbow Dash blanched and held up her hooves. “Hey that mess was all Twilight’s fault and the business on Cato Samoia doesn't… doesn't count.” This time it was Spike’s turn to chuckle and he gently elbowed the mare in the side. “So are you going to be arranging the bachelor party? Or should I leave that to Pinkie Pie?” “I think Pinkie would kill me if I planned that for her,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Though the real question is if it's even a bachelor party at all at this point.” “What do you mean?” Spike replied, tilting his head slightly. “Well shouldn't it be a bachelorette party?” Rainbow Dash answered. “Heck I’m sure Pinkie could give ya the whole experience, complete with a full spa day, and maybe even a few male strippers at the end of it.” Spike stuck out his tongue in disgust. “You are the worst. There is no way I’m going to that kind of strip club.” “Hey don't knock it till you try it,” Rainbow Dash replied, leaning in close to the unicorn. “Speaking of knocking it till you try it. Are you going to do the do before you exchange your I dos?” “What do you…” Spike hastily rose from the bed, pushing Rainbow Dash out of the way in the process. “I think I hear Rarity calling me. You better leave.” Rainbow Dash snickered as she trotted over to the window. “I’m just saying man, this is your one chance to enjoy how it feels to have a va-” The rest of what Rainbow Dash was about to say was cut off as the mare herself was thrown quite unceremoniously out of the house. After the pegasus’s sudden defenestration, Spike flipped the lock, pulled the shades, and shuddered in disgust. “Ew, just… ew,” he muttered to himself. “So how did your little visit go?” Rarity asked as Spike trotted into the kitchen with a sour look on his face. “That bad huh?” “Rainbow Dash likely spent all day thinking of ways to tease me,” Spike replied, the unicorn only now noticing that they were alone in the house. “I thought Twilight would still be here.” Rarity shook her head. “The darling got so flustered after I mentioned our chosen location that she took off in order to warn her family that they’ll need to start saving.” “It is going to be really expensive,” Spike admitted. “Pish posh. It's nothing compared to an unforgettable weekend and the ceremony of a lifetime!” Rarity proclaimed. Spike sighed and simply shrugged. “So what are we going to do now?” “Well, we had some other minor considerations to address when it comes to the decorations and guest list so I figured we could maybe work on that?” Rarity offered. “Oooh we gotta get some pizza later. I’ve been dying to see why you love plain cheese so much,” Spike replied. Rarity chuckled. “Absolutely darling, but we really should get a few of these little problems out of the way. I would hate to have to resort to standard card stock for our invitations.” “What's wrong with regular old paper?” Spike asked. Rarity gasped, placing a clawed hand over her heart. “What's wrong with paper? Why it would be more astute to ask what isn't wrong with such a pedestrian method of delivery. We have important information to convey! This isn't our grocery list you know.” “I uh…” Spike muttered. “Furthermore, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It shouldn't be skimped on,” Rarity continued, now pacing back and forth. “This is an event, neigh a coming together of considerable magnitude. We must treat it with all the gravatas one might give the grand galloping gala!” Spike closed his mouth, falling back on the time honored tradition of smiling and nodding as Rarity continued to talk. Something tells me this is going to be a long one. Spike thought to himself. Spike chewed languidly on his pizza, the unicorn’s attention fixated on some random section of the wall. Beside him, Rarity continued to gesticulate wildly with her pizza, inadvertently sending cheese all over the table. “Which leads me to my final point on the importance of the appropriate font size we must use for invitations. It must be-” The dragon blinked. “I’m sorry darling. I seemed to have gone on a bit of a tangent.” “Don't worry. It was only a good forty five minutes or so,” Spike dully remarked. Rarity blushed. “Oh my that is quite a long time.” “Another fifteen minutes and you would have beat your record,” Spike deadpanned. Rarity opened her mouth to speak, but thought better of it and merely sat down, stuffing her face with food. Spike chuckled to himself before grabbing another slice of pizza and enjoying himself right alongside his partner. For a while they remained silent, merely eating, and silently thinking to themselves. Worries, concerns, plans and other idle considerations flitted through their minds as they quietly ate their food. That was until the door opened and the sound of frantically sprinting hooves could be heard from the other room. Spike rose to see who it was, but hardly made it more than a step from the table when the face of Sweetie Belle appeared in the entrance. Her mane was wild, hey eyes wide, and her back was weighed down by a pair of heavy saddle bags. “Stop right there!” she shouted, jabbing a hoof at the pair. Spike paused, and looked down. “Uh okay. Now what?” “What has gotten into you darling?” Rarity asked as she rose from her chair. “I said stop!” exclaimed the frantic young unicorn. “Just sit right there, you changeling!” Spike chuckled as he sat back down. “Changeling, now that's not quite the response I had expected. Anger sure but getting accused of being a shapeshifter? I didn't take you for being the freakout type.” “You remember what happened on her last day of highschool don't you?” Rarity replied. The former dragon shuddered. “I'll take that back.” “Quit poking holes in my theories and just sit down okay?” Sweetie Belle retorted. Rarity sighed. “If you insist, darling, but you simply must explain yourself.” “I didn't want to believe it,” Sweetie Belle began, taking position between the pair on one side of the table. “But Apple Bloom pointed out that it would be the perfect cover for a pair of changelings.” “How exactly, would that be the perfect cover?” Spike exclaimed. “I mean they would have to pretend to be one of us pretending to being the other. That's like, two disguises at once.” “And we told everyone about this little debacle of ours so the scrutiny would be intense,” Rarity added. Sweetie Belle’s eyes narrowed. “Spoken like a pair of changelings. You didn't even try to claim you were innocent.” Spike sighed. “Just ask us something only we would know.” “That's too easy,” Sweetie Belle hastily replied. “You could have tortured the real Rarity and Spike for that kind of information.” “So we can't prove that we are us then?” Spike asked. “That's where this comes in,” Sweetie Belle declared, pulling forth a notebook from one of her saddle bags. “First question. Where was your first kiss?” “The bridge leading east out of town towards the Everfree,” Rarity replied without missing a beat. “It was a wonderful evening. Why I can still taste the cotton candy.” “I was going to ask the fake Spike that question,” Sweetie Belle shot back, crossing her hooves over her chest. “Go ahead and ask me another then,” Spike encouraged. “In a second,” Sweetie Belle retorted, turning to Rarity. “What is Spike’s favorite comic book?” “I uh… power ponies?” Rarity replied after a short pause. “Issue number?” Sweetie Belle pressed. Rarity shrugged, and glanced expectantly over at Spike, who was trying to mouth something at his partner, only to have his face covered with a tablecloth. “No helping,” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “Now what issue, or at least arc was it?” “Blackest night?” Rarity replied with a shrug. “Wrong. It was Heir to Darkness. Starting at issue number fifty two and running until issue sixty nine,” Sweetie Belle answered, scribbling something in her notebook. “Now for your turn, whoever you are.” Spike removed the table cloth from his head, and frowned. “You know I’m terrible at these kinds of pop quizzes. I don't have the best memory for these things.” “Surely the real Spike would at least remember Rarity’s favorite color,” Sweetie Belle half asked half stated, leaning in close. “Purple. Obviously,” Spike answered immediately. “But what shade of purple?” Sweetie Belle pressed. “Light purple?” Spike replied. Rarity groaned and ran a clawed hand down her face. “It's orchid. I’ve told you this like a million times.” “It's not my fault all those weird shades look the same,” Spike quickly retorted. “They are so different!” Rarity stated firmly. “Orchid is more of a soft pink color.” “Whatever,” Spike muttered, crossing his hooves over his chest. Sweetie Belle cleared her throat. “I have two last questions for you.” “You better not ask me what Rarity’s favorite type of thread is or something dumb like that,” Spike murmured. “That is not dumb. Thread is very important to what I do, and you should at least pretend to have a passing interest in my career,” Rarity declared. “And you should at least know my favorite comic book! You told me you read it, remember?” Spike jabbed. “I may have skimmed it,” Rarity sheepishly admitted. “It's not my fault it was dull and childish.” “Here we go again with the childish comments. This is exactly like that time you tried to play ogres and oubliettes but kept deriding the game without even giving it a chance,” Spike shouted. “Darling I love you but that game simply isn't for me,” Rarity exclaimed. “Just like every other hobby of mine I try to interest you in!” Spike yelled, throwing his hooves over his head. “You don't respect any of my interests and you just pass them off as childish so you don't have to feel bad for not trying them.” “At least I don't fake having a bad memory just so I don't have to feel bad about constantly forgetting my partner’s birthday!” Rarity shot back. “Hey I do so have a bad memory!” Spike exclaimed. “When did the first issue of power ponies come out?” Rarity asked, raising an eyebrow. “Five years ago on february twenty sixth,” Spike proudly declared, only to stop and blink. “Wait, thats different.” “How is that different from remembering my birthday? It's in the same month!” Rarity shrieked. “The fourth right?” Spike muttered. “You’re not even close!” Rarity yelled. “Mom and dad are coming back from their vacation at the end of the week,” Sweetie Belle suddenly declared. Rarity paused, and turned to her sister, an odd look on her face. “So you believe it's us?” “Err yeah. I always did,” Sweetie Belle replied with a shrug. “I just wanted to spring this little couple’s test thing on you guys as a joke. Scootaloo thought it would be funny, but this is just sad.” “Good to see your putting those acting classes to work,” Spike muttered. Rarity sighed, and ran a hand down her face. “Would you give us some space darling? I really need to speak to Spike. Alone, preferably.” “Err yeah. Sorry about this by the way,” Sweetie Belle murmured to herself as she gathered up her things and walked out the door. “So… Now what?” Spike asked. “We will have a long talk, and then go to bed probably,” Rarity answered. “I’ll uh, get the wine,” Spike offered. “Grab the big glasses please. Something tells me we might be here for a while,” Rarity replied.