My thumb traces the edge of my tomahawk slowly. The metal is cold and sharp against my skin. I watch the small flame of a half-lit lantern flicker before me, the magically-created plasma reacting with the oxygen in the air to keep itself alive. I sit at my table, watching the fire, mindlessly stroking my weapons that lie on the table, as I have for the past...I don't know how long. Too long. Too long to be alone with my thoughts.
My mind feels numb, like it can't comprehend anything. Even the simplest of ideas is lost on me, seeming too complicated to understand. Maybe it's a state of shock or something. The only thing I can do is nothing.
I feel the same series of thoughts that have run through my head for what feels like an eternity, but has probably only been a few hours, surface again. I don't want to think about it, but I feel as if I must.
I can't believe...she likes me in that way? A pony likes me in that way?
Damn it, stop that! I scold myself. She's not some animal! She has feelings, and emotions, and everything else you have!
But she is a pony. One that can think for herself, no doubt, but nonetheless...I can't do that. I can't go around kissing animals. That's wrong.
She isn't an animal, though. Maybe she has the body of one, but not the mind. It is not the same.
It's wrong all the same! It's not how it's supposed to work! my mind fights back against itself.
God damn it! Who said that that's how it's supposed to work? What is 'it', anyways? Life? You know very goddamn well that life will throw anything it's got at you! Life doesn't have a goddamn rulebook! You know that!
I want to scream. But you can't, can you? You can't do it, because you're a coward! That's all you are! A gutless bastard!
God damn it! I jump up, picking up my weapons. In a fury, I raise my arm and bring it forward, throwing the hand-ax as hard as I can. It lodges into the wall opposite me with a crack. My other arm jams the dagger into the table. I spin around, tossing a chair out of the way. I run towards the door, ramming into it with my shoulder and bursting outside. I notice for the first time that it's raining, hard, but I don't care. I just need to get away.
I run through the rain, knowing where I can go, knowing where solace might await me. I run as hard and as fast as I can, not caring that my legs hurt, that my lungs scream, that my heart just might explode, that I trip and fall more than once in the now-muddy dirt roads. I run, and I run, and I run.
I eventually come upon a field. It is eerily quiet, the only noise that of the falling rain, the wind blowing the grasses, my heart pounding in my ears. My pace slows, and I stumble a little on the moist ground. I know where I am, yet I don't. I begin walking forward, not caring where I end up. The rain is cold. The sky is dark. I don't care.
I don't know how long I walk. It feels like a long time. Everything hurts. But I keep walking.
Something ahead of me, something just barely in my field of view, catches my eye. I look up, squinting through the rain to see it. It is the lake, Luna Lake, its waters now rough and choppy from the onslaught of rain. I see something else, though. A small, blue form sits on the shore, rain running off of it. Her mane seems dark, almost devoid of color, and she is soaked all the way through. I approach her slowly, sitting down beside the water with her. She doesn't look over; I don't, either. We sit and look out over the lake in silence.
The rain starts coming down even harder. It almost hurts now. I stare at the waters of the lake, watching each little droplet of rain create a new ripple throughout the surface. A gust of wind stirs up some waves. Cold rain washes down my face and back.
We sit by the lake for some time. The rain grows colder and harder, mercilessly beating down upon us. I just want to curl up and die, but I can't. I can only stare at the dark, choppy waters, shivering in the cold.
A flash lights up the sky, followed by a loud crack of thunder. The rain continues on. Another flash; this one is much closer, too close, only across the lake. The thunder that follows is near-deafening, the shockwave from the lightning strike hitting us full-force.
I look over at Rainbow Dash. Rain runs off of her mane and face. Her body is completely wet, all of her colors a few shades darker from the water. She trembles violently, uncontrollably, in the freezing precipitation. I know she'll catch hypothermia if she doesn't get out of the rain soon. I probably will, as well. As if she knows I'm watching her, she looks over at me. Her magenta eyes now seem dull, lacking their friendly brightness, replaced with despair.
There is another burst of electricity, lighting up the air. This one is near us, as well, and we both look at it, wincing at the resounding thunder clap. The shivering pony looks back over at me. I place my hands on the muddy ground, pushing myself to my feet. She starts to pick herself up, as well, wobbling a little. After a moment, she sits down again. The Pegasus spreads out her wings, but they are soaked, too heavy with water to be able to be of any use. She looks up at me; there is some fear in her eyes, now.
I kneel down beside her. She watches as I slowly extend my arms and wrap them around her. I pull her towards my chest, shifting her in my arms to better hold her. I stand again, the small pony in my arms. She isn't heavy. Her shaking scares me, and the usual warmth she seems to possess is gone. I start moving as quickly as I can without jolting her around too much.
After what feels like far too long, we arrive back at my house. I push the door in with my shoulder, carrying her through the main room. It is much warmer, but not warm enough. I carry her past the flipped chair, the table with the dagger in it, the still-burning lantern, the tomahawk in the wall. I put my weight against my bathroom door, going inside. I gently set her down in the bathtub, turning on the hot water. When it feels warm enough, I flip it over to the shower. I look at the blue pony again, still shivering in the hot water. I turn to leave; something pulls my wet pants leg, and I look back. A dripping hoof somehow has a hold on me; I look at Rainbow Dash. Her eyes say enough. I slowly climb into the shower with her, sitting down. She climbs on top of me, laying down on my wet clothes.
I close my eyes, leaning back against the wall of the shower. I absently begin stroking her mane. She rests her head on my chest, trembling a little less. I hate myself a little more. I start to rub my fingers behind her ears; they feel like fine felt. She sighs contentedly. A lump forms in my throat; I feel truly awful, now. What have I done? The pony slowly rubs her head against my chest; her shivering has all but stopped. I continue to pet her, trying to comfort her, despite me being the reason she needs comforting at all.
A few minutes after she stops shaking, I go to set her aside. She opens her eyes in question; I lay a hand on her back, then stand, leaving the shower. As I hoped, she stayed inside it, settling back down. Trailing water through my house, I make my way to the second floor. I grab all of the blankets off my bed, then bring them downstairs. I take the blankets into the bathroom, setting them off to one side. Stepping over to the shower, I hold out a hand to the rainbow-maned mare; she looks at it for a moment, then puts her hoof in it, allowing me to help her to her hooves and out of the shower. I shut off the water, then go to grab the blankets, bringing them back to Rainbow Dash. She shakes out her coat and mane, spraying water about the room; she gives a small smile of embarrassment. I drape the blankets over her, pressing down a little to hold them in place as we walk out of the bathroom.
I replace the fallen chair, pulling it away from the table a little to allow her to hop up. As she gets situated on the chair, I go over to where my tomahawk rests in the wall, working it out. I remove my dagger from the table, as well, then turn up the heat of the lantern to its maximum, scooting it a little closer to Dash. I set my weapons on a counter, then take a seat at the table as well.
I fish my pencil and paper from my pocket. A few of the outer papers are wet, so I just crumple them up and toss them aside, grabbing the most dry sheet of paper I can find. I set it before me on the table, raising my pencil; no words come, though. I don't know what to say. I set the pencil down, looking at the blank page. The air is silent for a while.
"Thanks," Rainbow Dash says quietly. I look up at her, nodding solemnly. My gaze goes back to the paper; I can't hold hers.
"I'm sorry." I look up again, frowning. I slowly write out a reply, trying not to drip on the page.
You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one that needs to be apologizing.
"No, I...I did...what I did, and you didn't want that. And I'm sorry." I sigh, thinking about each and every word I write down.
You don't need to apologize. You just did what your gut told you to, and you shouldn't be sorry for that.
I pause, then continue writing.
I like you, Rainbow Dash. I really do. But I
I stop again, crossing out my attempt at explanation. I try again.
On my world, where I come from, we are the only sentient beings, the only ones that can think for ourselves. We have other animals, including ponies, but they can't think for themselves. Humans only love humans, and that's how it is. Loving something that runs off instinct is frowned upon.
"You think I'm just some...some animal?" she asks, voice filled with soul-crushing hurt. I shake my head quickly, writing as fast as I can. Damn it!
The answer is no, but I do not know how to explain. I know that you are not, that you are a smart, clever, fun, friendly being who has feelings for me and who I think I have feelings for, as well. But the only things I know that look like you are not those things, and I don't like them that way. Everything is different here, but all I can do is compare things to things I already know. I'm sorry I can't explain it better. I know it is shallow and horrible of me to think this way. I like you, but I don't know if it's in that way.
As I pass the page to Rainbow Dash, I stare down at the wooden table. Is that really how I feel? Do I really like her in that way? Can I really like her in that way?
"I...I think I understand..." she says quietly, passing the page back to me. "You mean, like...if somepony really liked a rock, or something. That'd be weird, right? But if they went somewhere where rocks could think and stuff, it wouldn't be as weird. I dunno'." Well, I think she gets it. Maybe. I hope. She pauses, looking down.
"But...you...do like me, too?" Her eyes meet mine, and I hold her gaze. My head hurts so badly right now. I nod shakily. I pick up my pencil again.
Maybe we should take it slow, okay? I don't want to lose you as a friend. I've lost enough.
She looks at a certain point on the paper for a while. "Slow..." She goes quiet for a moment, still staring at the page. "Nopony's ever wanted to take it slow with me, before. I mean, I'm Rainbow Dash. Fast is my thing," she muses with a chuckle. I take back the page, writing a little more.
It hurts a lot more when you run into something going fast than when you're going slow.
She laughs; I smile, happy to see her a little closer to her usual. I continue on.
We've only known each other for, what, a week and a half?
The sky-blue pony nods. "Yeah, somethin' like that." I look at her in question, then add some more to my paper.
Why do you like me so much? You hardly know anything about me.
The blankets around her shoulders shift in a shrug. "I dunno'. Rarity's always blabbing about 'love at first sight' and all that, but I don't really believe it. I mean, maybe..." She trails off, thinking for a moment. "I meant all those things I said yesterday, about how you're really brave and nice and stuff. Maybe that's why." I look at her, frowning as I write.
I killed two wolves over some food, and most of the time people pay me for being nice.
"That doesn't mean you're not brave or nice, y'know." I shrug, not convinced. She looks back at my handwriting again. "Yeah. Maybe I should try going slow. You don't need to try, you're already slower than slow," she jokes, grinning at me. I return the smile, quietly laughing a little. As a lull in conversation approaches, I think up a new question.
How long were you out there?
She looks out one of the windows in the room, watching the rain for the moment. "Since last night. I went to work to get the rain all set up, then I went back there. I didn't sleep." I nod; neither did I.
I apologize. I shouldn't have walked out like I did. I panicked.
"It's okay. That was kind of unexpected, I guess. I don't even know why I did it...Twilight always says I don't really think things through that well." I give a lopsided smile in agreement. Rainbow sits quietly for a while. "Could we not tell anypony about this? I don't want anyone to think I'm getting all mushy," she asks. I snort in amusement, then nod my head, smiling. "And maybe...maybe we could keep hanging out? It's...fun." I nod sincerely, smiling to the pony. I write out a new question, a smile on my face.
How about some breakfast?
Dash chuckles, looking outside again. "I forgot it was so early. Breakfast sounds awesome." I smile, standing from the table.