//------------------------------// // Chapter Two: The Gangs All Here // Story: The Alicorn Next Door // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// You know, I never asked for any of this to happen. The rules were simple: eke out my mediocre existence one dreary day at a time, and in return this fictitious fantasyland I observed on my HD screen would provide me with half-an-hour of cheap thrills a week (bar the odd in-your-face toy commercial). I didn’t particularly harbour any great ambitions for the two disparate worlds to collide, even in bad fanfiction. ‘Keep your personal and private lives separate’: I’ve always considered those to be some pretty wise words. Particularly as the few friends I confided in about the whole concept of ‘bronies’ treated it like a confession that I was a professional chicken molestor. So I laughed off the outrageous suggestion I could derive any enjoyment from a ‘girls cartoon show’, and that was that. I swear, if it hadn’t been for the welcoming Internet community, I’d have gone insane. Eddie, the mild-mannered chinless wonder, became the far more popular TwilightStan4321, and together with my other mostly anonymous forum buddies we discussed at great length the physiological and philosophical ruminations of these deceptively complex equine characters. I’d never attended any conventions either, mostly because none ever seemed to be attracted to the smalltown boonies I called home, but also due to my own latent anxieties: What happens if someone recognises me? What if word got back to my folks? Would I be the pariah of my little social circle? You might think I’m overreacting, but you haven’t met my strict parents or my shallow acquaintances. Open-minded is not the first adjective that springs to mind to describe them, so basically over the years I’d built an imaginary partition between this niche fandom, and my personal life. Until now, everything had all been going rather swimmingly. But, on that fateful day, all that careful planning and meticulous strategising looked to have finally come crashing down around me...  Literally.  ……………….. CRASH! “Um, sorry Twi. I was just putting my comic books in sequential order when I heard you yell. I don’t even know where I’m gonna store them: my new room is like a broom cupboard compared to back in the palace… oh, hello there! You must be Freddie: say, you’re a bit taller than I thought you’d be…” That was (who else) a slightly dazed Spike answering his mistress’s call, demonstrating how not to land whilst flying through a window. Like Twilight, he’d seemingly reverted back to his pre-finale self, with leathery wings but without all the extra bulk attached around his body.  I’m sure there was a logical explanation for his (and her) physical regression, but right now that was the very least of my questions. “ Oh, hi there Spike! So good of you to join us. Allow me to provide introductions. Eddie, this is Spike, allegedly the number-one assistant in all of Equestria. Spike, this is Eddie White: a twenty-four year old human male I don’t know much about, but I can tell you one thing: he hasn’t made any wishes on falling stars in the recent past. Correct me if I’m in the wrong here, Eddie…” “W-What? Oh, yes.” I stammered, not expecting to be called upon so suddenly in my overwhelmed state. “No star-wishing for me!!”  “Right. That being the case…” At this point Twilight’s snarkiness became low and dangerous, a side to her we hadn’t really seen since season one and her responsibilities as a Princess kicked in. “...We’ve used up every bit of dimensional-hopping power we have to get here, with no hope of getting back anytime soon, and we’ve come to the wrong address?! How is this even possible? An explanation would be nice. I’m waiting...” “H-Huh?!” Spike separated himself from my broken chair (we could discuss remunerations later) to stare dumbfounded at me, then at Twilight. “B-But I checked, and double-checked all the details myself, a full week before we made the journey! Are you absolutely positive you’re not Freddie White?”  “Why does everyone keep asking me that?! Yes. Yes I am!” I responded indignantly with my arms crossed, my astonished expression turning to one of irritation. After today, I may not be sure of anything anymore, but my name is my name and that’s non-negotiable. “B-But, it’s not possible. I did everything by the letter!” Spike protested his innocence whilst pacing up and down my room, as Twilight raised a skeptical eyebrow. “I catalogued the wish… pinpointed the location… recorded the route… paused for a snack, then… oops.” “Let me stop you right there. I’m very interested in that ‘oops’.” Twilight raised her hoof, whilst communicating in that low passive-aggressive tone all good leaders use so well. “Well, as you know I don’t work too well on an empty stomach. It was only a sapphire sandwich and a glass of water. I think I’m entitled to a break for refreshments every few hours…” “I’m not disputing your need for basic nourishment. I’m more interested in getting to the bottom of what happened, to make this currently unfolding catastrophe understandable!” Twilight visibly rolled her eyes at the dragon’s stalling tactics, and even I found myself feeling sympathy towards his plight. You’re not helping yourself, bud. “What happened? O-Oh, yes! Well, I may have got a teensy-bit of dust in my nose, and I might have ever-so-slightly sneezed a tad, which may have caused the water to spill a trickle. Or a lot. Hard to say, it was so long ago…” “I see. And where did this liquid happen to spill, in case I didn’t already know?” Twilight’s calm demeanour was impressive, considering the amount of pent-up tension that must’ve been building inside her stressed-out egghead. “Um. A bit on the floor, but mostly…” Spike hesitated to confirm what both me and Twilight had already guessed, instead coming up with a litany of excuses. “How was I to know the ink would run so easily? A-And I was allergic to the ancient parchment I wrote on? Not to mention…” “Spike. Part of being my number-one assistant is admitting when you messed up, not grasping for reasons as to why. To be honest, I’m more disappointed by your failure to take full ownership of your mistakes, than the actual incident.” Twilight gently chided the dragon with a sad shake of the head, which in its own way must’ve been worse than if she’d got properly angry at him. “I-I’m sorry, Twi. I-I didn’t think it’d make any difference…” Spike looked about ready to cry, and if I wasn’t quite convinced yet this was some kind of elaborate fever dream I might’ve rushed over there to comfort him. “Well, it did Spike. It did.” Twilight snapped back with a frown, but perhaps now recognising that getting cross wouldn’t solve anything, switched her tone to a more conciliatory one.. “Still, it does present us with a major problem. Here we are, in an unfamiliar setting, with no way of returning or even contacting our friends. They’re probably halfway here already anyway, completely unaware that our current location is erroneous…” “E-rony-what?” Despite being confused at pretty much everything up till now, I scratched the back of my head at the unfamiliar word. One of Twilight’s many dictionaries I saw being unloaded would’ve come in handy. “ ‘Erroneous’. It’s the Nerd Word for ‘wrong’.” Spike unexpectedly piped in smugly, to my and Twilight’s considerable surprise. “...What? You don’t proofread a billion speeches about friendship by the most overly articulate alicorn in Equestria, without learning a few things.” “Very impressive, Spike. Shame you didn’t show the same due diligence in making sure we reached the right address, but never mind.” Twilight still obviously needed time to fully forgive her assistant, but being a practical pony she seemed ready to push his error to the side for now. “...As I was saying, soon the rest of the girls will be here for our mission, and we don’t even know where we are now or how to get there! Oh, why didn’t I just stay in the castle…?” “U-Um. Maybe you could try… I dunno, the internet?” My lips moved of their accord, catching both my uninvited houseguests off-guard. Twilight was the first to respond to my blurted-out offer. “ ‘In-the-net’? Is that a sporting, or a fishing term? Either way, I don’t see how it could help…”   “No, ‘Internet’. The World Wide Web. Which has nothing to do with spiders, before you ask. How can you know what ‘erroneous’ means, but have never heard of…” I sighed at the futility of this train of thought and just decided to try explaining. “Look. I’m not sure how much you knew about Earth technology before coming here, but there are these things called ‘computers’ that allow you to connect to a network full of information where you can find out basically anything. Including, I’d wager, this ‘Freddie White’ you seem so keen on tracking down.” “Wait. Don’t you use books for that kind of thing?” Twilight looked in my direction suspiciously, as if daring me to challenge the supremacy of the written word as opposed to the technological superhighway.  “Y-Yes, of course we do. But this is more convenient.” I replied, unwilling to upset her with just how many local libraries had closed due to the impact of modern appliances. “Anyway, before I try and help you with that, I have a few questions of my own. If you don’t mind me enquiring, of course.” “Hmm. Well, considering how we’ve interrupted your day, invaded your home and damaged your furniture, I’d say that was a reasonable request… wait, is that a doll of Princess Celestia on the floor? And why is she so.. dirty?” Twilight seemed to cheer up momentarily, before the odd sight of her old teacher in plushie form jarred her temperament. “...Never mind that for now. Just stay where you both are, and let me think of what I want to say please.” Gee Eddie, this is your big chance to get the inside scoop on what you thought by now only existed in the realms of fantasy! Don’t blow it. I’ll start all casual-like, by asking her how Cantelot is doing and if ruling Equestria is all it's cracked up to be, then I’ll try probing a little deeper. Namely: If Spike ever discovered who his real parents are, and where the heck Cozy Glow came from… But just as I was preparing myself for the mother of all interrogations, fate decided to throw another spanner in my works. ...Or a rather large hot-air balloon by my bedroom window, which’d rapidly approached unheard until now, laden with five unmistakable ponies from which I’d derived many hours of entertainment… Actually, better make that six. “Hey, all!” Pinkie Pie was the first to speak, cradling a gently dozing equine figure in her hooves. “I know you said not to bring anypony else, but I just could not get L’il Cheese to settle without me. Plus I thought: when is he gonna get the chance to see a whole new dimension again? ...Apart from the one Discord shares with Fluttershy, I mean. Anyhow, I’ve brought my party cannon along too. who’s ready for ffuunn…(!)”