//------------------------------// // Part One // Story: Couples Retreat // by bats //------------------------------// Applejack let out a sigh of relief as the train station came into view. She rubbed her eye and leaned away from the window, jabbing Rainbow in the side. “We’re almost there now, Dash, so quit your fidgetin’.” Rainbow grunted and rubbed her side. “I could’ve flown us, you know.” “You might’a been able to, but ain’t no way in tartarus I was bein’ carried halfway across Equestria just ‘cause you didn’t wanna sit still on a train for a couple hours.” She crossed her hooves over her chest and narrowed her eyes at Rainbow. “Somethin’ botherin’ you, sugar cube? You ain’t normally so wiggly on a train.” Sighing and slumping back on the bench, Rainbow raised her hooves up in surrender. “Well, normally I have a book or something to distract myself with, but I forgot, because getting a call from the cutie map’s always, like, this big thing, you know?” She gave Applejack a begrudging pout and let out a long, slow breath. “Sorry for being wiggly.” Applejack cracked a smile and rolled her eyes. “Apology accepted. Sorry for bein’ cross. You were just makin’ me feel like I’m covered in ants.” With a distant squeal of brakes, Applejack felt herself get pulled forward by the inertia of the train slowing. She went with the flow and stepped down off the bench. Rainbow hopped down after and popped a kink in her neck. “So what do you think the map wants us here for, anyway?” Applejack walked slowly toward the door as the train gradually came to a halt. “Beats me, the map don’t talk much. You ever been to Whinnypeg before?” “Couple times.” “What sorta place is it like?” Rainbow shrugged. “I dunno. The stadium’s nice.” Applejack furrowed her brow and turned back toward Rainbow. “Wonderbolts shows?” “Wonderbolts shows.” “Figures. Kinda hopin’ for a Darin’ Do convention or somethin’, too. I guess I’d be askin’ too much for that, seein’ as we’re goin’ to the convention center.” Rainbow grinned. “The map doesn’t talk and it doesn’t make stuff easy.” Applejack returned the smile and bumped her shoulder against Rainbow playfully. “That it don’t.” The doors swung open and Applejack jumped out onto the platform. A rush of crisp air ran through her mane and made her hat billow, and she took in a deep breath. Rainbow jumped out of the train and spread her wings, swooping around overhead in a circle before hovering next to Applejack. “Aw, yeah, freedom again!” She let out a contented sigh and corkscrewed in place. “Can we take a hot-air balloon back when we’re done? Making you feel like you’re covered in ants sucks for me, too.” With a sigh, Applejack led the way down from the train platform. She checked a map painted on a freestanding wall and started counting blocks between the station and convention center. “We’ll see how many more bits doin’ that’d be, and if’n it’s more than the cost of gettin’ you an extra Darin’ Do book instead.” Rainbow swooped down and jabbed Applejack in the shoulder. “That … is a good idea.” Snickering, she led the way out of the station. The streets of Whinnypeg were paved and bustling with carts, reminding her of Manehattan, but on a smaller scale, with fewer ponies out and about and only a couple skyscrapers dotting the skyline. She checked the street signs, then started walking. “You hungry, Dash? I told Rarity we were comin’ out here and she said I gotta try puttin’ while I’m here. Least I think that’s what she called it. Not puddin’, I asked and she said it was somethin’ different.” Rainbow frowned in confusion. “Putting? Like, this conversation’s putting me to sleep?” Her eyebrows shot up and she grinned. “Oh, wait, did she say poutine?” “Yeah, that sounds right.” “Hah! Putting! Yeah, sure, I’m up for some poutine.” Applejack gave Rainbow a reserved look as she stopped at a crosswalk and waited for the carts to go by. “So Rarity wasn’t shinin’ me on, and there really is somethin’ called poutine?” “Oh, yeah, of course. And Rares is right saying you should try it, you’ll probably dig it. Kinda surprised she likes it, it’s a little … uh … heavy for her.” “If you say so. I ain’t even got the foggiest idea what it is.” She stepped out into the street as the light changed with Rainbow following along to the side and slightly above her. “It’s, like, hayfries with cheese and gravy on it. It’s really good. Not the best thing to eat right before a Wonderbolts show, though, trust me on that.” Applejack slowed down and laughed, dipping the brim of her hat over her eyes. “I believe you, sugar cube. And that does sound mighty good. Wouldn’t wanna go buckin’ trees with a belly full’a that, but wouldn’t say no after a day’s work.” “Yeah, the next time I came here, I saved the poutine for after the show.” “Don’t blame ya.” Applejack lingered at the corner. “Hungry now? Is there a special place we oughtta go for it?” “I could eat, but I could wait, too. And nah, you can get poutine pretty much wherever here, I think. The convention center probably sells it. How much further we going, anyway?” Applejack gave a half smile and pointed across the street at the large, rounded building in front of them, its roof a scalloped dome, like a gigantic clam shell. The sign directly across from them read, Whinnypeg Convention Center. “Oh, nice. I knew I didn’t have to pay attention to anything.” Applejack faltered as the light changed. “Come again?” “Well, I don’t have to. You’re here, and you keep track of all that stuff, I can just follow along and not pay attention.” With a sigh and a chuckle, Applejack headed across the street. “You might wanna start payin’ attention, I don’t always know what I’m doin’ or where we oughtta go any more’n anyone else does, we’re all just flyin’ by our tails here.” “Aw, c’mon, you know when Twi’s around, you sit back and let her be in charge of everything.” “Nuh-uh.” “Psh.” Rainbow darted ahead to meet Applejack face to face, then flew backwards to stay in front. She flashed a mischievous grin. “Don’t pretend like you weren’t zoned out thinking about apples when we met Daring Do, miss all right, Ahui … whatever your name is.” Applejack tried to keep her expression neutral, but cracked and gave Rainbow a chagrined smile. “All right, fine, I try to pay attention, but it don’t always work. Plus you were payin’ attention, then, so I knew it wasn’t gonna only be Twi doin’ it.” Rainbow giggled and swooped away to hover at Applejack’s side. They got to the other side of the road, then started rounding the building to find an entrance. “Fair. Anyway, I’ll pay attention once we find some ponies and need to figure out whatever the heck they need our help with, but I knew I could count on you to make sure we got to the right place.” “Guess I can’t be too sore at you callin’ me reliable. Just so long as you don’t go disappearin’ on me for the friendship problems.” “Course not, you got my full attention.” She nudged Applejack in the ribs. “And I’ll keep an eye out for a poutine place, too.” Applejack laughed and shoulder-checked Rainbow, who wavered away in the air, then bumped her back. She got Rainbow in a headlock and was about to start dishing out noogies when they got to one of the convention center’s main entrances. Rainbow shrugged out of the headlock as they looked over the sign announcing the weekend’s activities: Woe-be-gone Couples Retreat in Downtown Whinnypeg. Applejack raised her brows. “Huh. Well, we’re in the right place, that’s for sure.” “A couples retreat? At a convention center?” Rainbow rubbed her cheek and frowned. “Doesn’t seem like a great place for that to me. Aren’t those normally, like, out on ranches or something?” “I don’t suppose everypony can afford to go out to a ranch if they live in the city,” Applejack said. She smirked. “Plus, I bet you’d be happy as a clam here with a stallion if it were a Darin’ Do convention.” She snickered to herself. Rainbow’s snout curled in mock distaste. “A stallion? What kinda girl do you take me for? One like you?” “Ugh, how dare ya, Dash.” They both shared a chuckle. “That joke ever gonna stop bein’ funny?” “Maybe if one of us magically started liking boys. Ugh, stallion at a Do Con, you’re making me think of Quibble Pants like that.” She shuddered. “Sorry, sorry, mare at a Do Con, that puttin’ better thoughts in your head?” Applejack’s grin turned more mischievous. “You’n the lucky missus could take turns playin’ dress-up as Darin’.” “I’ll have you know it’s called cosplay, not dress-up, and … yeah, that sounds pretty hot.” Rainbow winked at Applejack, then turned back to the marquee. “It doesn’t look like it’s a Do Con, though.” Applejack shrugged. “We’ll find out what they’re doin’, I guess. C’mon.” She led the way and held the door for Rainbow. They slipped inside, and Applejack looked upwards at the inside of the clamshell dome. She had to squint from the bright, polished marble, catching light from the magical sconces and reflecting it back as a shimmer. “Huh,” Rainbow said. “Guess that makes a bit more sense why ponies’d wanna spend all weekend here. Swanky.” “Mm.” Applejack looked around the room, her expression guarded, feeling her hooves sink into the plush carpet with every step. “I think I’d prefer a ranch, myself.” “Me too, probably, but swank can be fun.” Flashing a wan smile at Rainbow, Applejack stopped at the ticket box office. She rested her forelegs on the counter and smiled at the mare behind the glass, who had a curly red mane and half-moon reading glasses. “Howdy, there.” “Good morning, dearie. Are you two here for the retreat? Did you book ahead?” Applejack blinked and felt heat rise to her face. “Uh …” She glanced sidelong at Rainbow, who had dots of pink on her cheeks, but gave Applejack an amused smile. “No, uh, we didn’t book ahead.” “Not to worry, still plenty of spaces open, today’s check-in day and most of the planned activities don’t start until this afternoon.” The mare cracked open a ledger and flipped through a few pages. “The royal suite in the hotel is booked, so you’ll have to make do with a single or a double, if that’s okay with you two. The standard package comes with the room for the whole weekend with breakfasts included, three instructor-led yoga classes, three group therapy sessions, tonight’s meet and greet with the other attendees, tomorrow’s movie night, and access to all of the amenities in the convention center and hotel.” Applejack’s brows slowly raised as the mare spoke. “Uh …” “And the deluxe package includes everything in the standard, plus three sessions each of private, one-on-one couples therapy and full body massages at the spa.” Rainbow flew in closer, nudging Applejack out from the center of the box office window. “Ooh, massages. Let’s get the deluxe, AJ.” “Rainbow,” Applejack said sharply. She turned back to the mare in the box office and gave her a polite smile. “’Scuse us for a sec.” The mare gave her a knowing nod that made Applejack’s cheeks flare up again, but she pushed those thoughts away for the moment and dragged Rainbow aside, out of earshot. “We ain’t here for—” “We’re here for the retreat,” Rainbow said, jabbing Applejack’s side. “Maybe not in the way they expect us to be here for it, but that’s still what’s going on. Which means paying to get in. And I want massages.” Applejack’s expression sharpened, and Rainbow leaned in, whispering, “It’s official friendship problem business, we’ll send the bill to Twi.” Applejack groaned and slapped her hoof over her muzzle. “We are not sendin’ the bill to Twi.” “Why not? You and Fluttershy didn’t pay for that Las Pegasus trip, did you?” “… No …” Applejack grumbled. “But we didn’t take advantage none, and it wasn’t Twi who paid for it.” “Yeah, yeah, royal treasury, not Twi, but same dif. We’ll just get a single and make up for it a little bit that way, if you’re that worried about using royal money, okay?” Applejack gave her an unconvinced look, and Rainbow crossed her hooves over her chest. “What if the friendship problem has something to do with the spa ponies here and the only way we’ll find out is by getting massages? Ever think of that?” Despite herself, Applejack snickered. “Oh, cut it out, you and I both know you don’t believe that and you’re just anglin’ for a massage.” “Obviously. Am I wrong, though?” “… No, I guess not.” “Then it’s settled.” Rainbow flew back to the box office. “Deluxe package it is!” With a heavy sigh, Applejack trudged back and gave the mare a nod. “Eeyup, deluxe package.” She squinted at Rainbow from the corner of her eye. “And a single, we reckon.” The mare slid two lanyards, already filled out and stamped with a D, through the slot in the glass. “I figured as much,” she said in a chipper tone. “Registering for the con also counts as your check-in. Here are your room keys.” Rainbow snatched up one of each. “Score! I’mma go find our room, you pay, okay?” She flew off around a corner, disappearing deeper into the convention center. Applejack let out a slow breath through her snout, rolled her eyes, and took off her hat. She fetched her bag of bits from inside the brim liner and dropped it on the counter. “That firecracker always gets her way, huh?” The mare gave Applejack a conspiratorial grin. “Um. Yeah, guess so. Sometimes I can talk her outta stuff. Sometimes.” “My sister’s the same way with her husband.” Applejack tried to keep her complexion even as she counted out far more bits than she was comfortable spending all at once. “Does she drive her husband up the wall, too?” “Seems like it. I think that’s all partners, though. I will say that you two came to the right place, this is the third year in a row of retreats, and I’ve yet to see a couple leave without having their hooves all over each other, and a lot of them come in the first day at each other’s throats. I’m sure you’ll be back in your honeymoon phase once you’re done.” She huffed through her snout and weighed just how forthcoming she wanted to be with a random, slightly nosy mare at a box office in a strange city. “… We, uh, actually ain’t together like that, we’re here for other reasons.” The mare raised an eyebrow. “Uh huh.” A wave of regret over saying anything crashed over her as she felt transported back to her days as a school filly dealing with the town gossip—who was, of course, Rarity. “I mean … once upon a time …” Applejack’s face warmed up and she looked down, shuffling her bag of bits around. “But that was years ago. Didn’t work out too good then. We’re better friends than lovers, ya follow me?” “Well … if she dragged you here, I think she might be trying to tell you she wants to try again. It isn’t my business,” she said, her tone as if it were entirely her business, “but it probably wouldn’t hurt to keep an open mind?” Applejack grunted something noncommittal as she slid the bits through the slot. “Thank ya kindly,” she said as she collected her lanyard and room key. “Try to relax and have fun with your firecracker!” the mare called, as Applejack rounded the box office and headed down the hall in the direction Rainbow had flown off. She felt a powerful blush come on as soon as she was out of the mare’s line of sight. She shook her head. “I guess I gotta get used to that happenin’ all weekend,” she said to herself. “If I ain’t careful, Dash is gonna start doin’ it, too, just to get a rise outta me.” She stopped and took a steadying breath, willing a flurry of old thoughts away, thoughts she didn’t like considering. Feeling calm again, she checked her room key and followed the signs toward the convention center’s hotel. Winding her way to the back of the building, Applejack passed through the main convention center. The large, circular floor area was carved up into rooms and hallways, with the walls extending upwards about twenty feet, then ending, leaving the domed ceiling disconnected. She peeked into the rooms as she went, spotting signs of the convention’s special amenities still being put together. One banquet-sized hall had several stacks of workout mats ready to be spread across the floor, with a boombox sitting on top. A second, smaller room had two massage tables stacked high with supplies. Another banquet sat filled to the brim with chairs, and Applejack spotted a pair of workers in a frustrated conversation as they poked and prodded at an ancient projector. One of the rooms even had what looked like the makings of a library, full of cheap shelves and boxes overflowing with books, the floor littered with beanbag chairs. “Huh,” Applejack muttered to herself. “Not a bad lookin’ setup.” The signs brought her to an archway in the clamshell and she left the convention center itself, the plush floor turning to stone tile and the staff ponies shifting to hotel workers. The hotel itself felt a little claustrophobic in comparison to the vaulted dome of the center, but no less opulent, and Applejack let out a long sigh as she found their room. She slipped inside and let the door lock shut behind her, then sighed again at the room, which looked like something out of the princesses’ castle in Canterlot, complete with a crystal chandelier. “Ugh, why’s it always gotta be fancy?” “Yeah, this is a little much for me, too,” Rainbow said, stepping out from the en suite bathroom. She crinkled her snout in distaste. “The toilet’s got, like, gold leaf patterns and stuff on it. The toilet.” Applejack groaned, crossed over to the single-sized, canopied bed, and sat down, sinking into the down pillowtop. “What the heck are we even doin’ in a place like this, Rainbow?” Rainbow grinned, then sat down next to her. Despite her sinking nearly half a foot, Applejack didn’t feel any movement in the mattress. “We’re going undercover as a couple to help fix someone’s problems.” “I don’t mean that,” Applejack grumbled. “And we ain’t goin’ undercover, Dash.” “Aw, c’mon, it’d be fun.” She giggled and jabbed Applejack in the side. “We’ll say you’re Apple Blossom, and I’ll be Spectrum. We met five years ago working as stuntponies and have been married for two. We live in Fillydelphia.” She waggled her eyebrows. Applejack opened and shut her mouth a few times, then started laughing. “Ya had me goin’ for a second there.” She let out a light breath and shook her head. “Thanks, Rainbow, I needed a laugh.” “Hmph,” Rainbow said, trying to pout out her bottom lip through a smile. “Rarity would have played undercover spy with me.” She jumped down from the bed and stretched out her back. “C’mon, I don’t want to spend any more time in this room than I have to, there’s gotta be other stuff to do.” Applejack nodded and stood. “Yeah, we probably ain’t the only couple who’s here already, maybe we can find whatever problem we’re here to fix and get outta this rich pony’s nightmare room before the weekend’s over.” “Hey, I’m getting at least one massage, AJ.” She flashed a wicked smile. “Or are you gonna make Twi pay for all of those and then not use them?” Applejack muttered under her breath while Rainbow snickered and added, “Nah, this weekend’s gonna be weird enough as it is, and the sooner we do whatever we’re here for and can leave this trashy romance novel room, the better. You want to ask around or grab some grub first? There’s a restaurant in the hotel that serves poutine.” “Temptin’. Let’s see if we can’t find anypony first.” She got to the door and opened it, only for Rainbow to grab her fetlock and pull it shut again. “What?” “Remember, Apple Blossom, stuntponies, known each other for five years, married for two, and if you get caught, there’s a cyanide pill under your hat.” She stared at Rainbow, then snorted and started laughing. “All right, Spectrum, ain’t nopony takin’ me alive.” Rainbow joined in on the laughter as they headed out into the hallway. She let out a sigh and wiped her eye. “Least you got that timeframe right, if I really were married to ya for two years, I’d be needin’ a retreat.” “Yeah, yeah, you know every day with me’s a vacation. And we both know the reason why I’d drive you so crazy you needed this was because bugging you is hilarious.” She flashed a grin and winked. “For real, though, you’re fun to bug because you can take it and’ll fight back.” Chuckling, she bumped Rainbow’s shoulder. “Like that?” Rainbow rammed into her again and they laughed together as they crossed through the hotel, earning a sharp look of disapproval from a bellhop. They left the hotel and stepped back into the convention center. “Any ideas where to start? I didn’t see nopony who didn’t look like they were workin’ here on the way in.” “… No. Um. I, uh … wasn’t really paying attention.” Rainbow looked away and cleared her throat. “We could split up and wander around ‘til we find somepony. Try and meet up in, like, an hour? Then we’ll grab food?” “See? You can plan just fine, featherhead.” She ruffled Rainbow’s mane, then took off to the right, circling the outer edge of the dome counterclockwise. She waved as Rainbow headed the other direction. “Last one to find someone pays for the poutine.” “You’re on!” Applejack smiled to herself and felt her pace pick up without even thinking about it. She glanced in and out of rooms as she passed, seeing amenities in various stages of construction, looking for anypony else who arrived early and didn’t want to be cooped up in a wretchedly overdone hotel room. Even if the competition was a stupid one, having something to butt heads with Rainbow over always put her in a good mood. “Who knows?” she asked herself. “Maybe we’ll be headin’ home before we even need to stay in that room.” She had a bounce in her step as she circled the halls, her eyes open and searching for a couple in need of help. The waiter slipped the platter onto the table. Applejack pressed her mouth together and tried to keep from curling her snout. The platter had three separate containers on it that contained things Applejack recognized as being made of food, but weren’t presented in a way that seemed edible. A ramekin took up most of the space and was filled with hayfries. At least, Applejack was pretty sure they were hayfries, it was a little hard to tell, as each individual piece of hay had been woven together with the others, forming what looked like a mini wicker basket. Next to it was a gravy boat, but instead of gravy, it was full of a thick, white sludge that Applejack hoped was a cheese sauce. Taking up the third spot and giving Applejack the biggest headache was a mini ice-bucket, filled with cloudy brown cubes of ice. The waiter bowed and said, “Your poutine déconstruite, madams. Will there be anything else you need at the moment?” Applejack glanced over at Rainbow, who poked the ice bucket with a look of morbid fascination on her face, then turned to the waiter. “Uh … no, I think we’re good, thanks.” As he left, she watched Rainbow pick up a cube and touch it to her tongue. Rainbow made a face and dropped it to the table. “It’s frozen gravy.” “I, uh, take it this ain’t how poutine’s normally made.” “Yeah, no.” Rainbow sighed and shook her head, slumping in the chair. “Should’ve known a place like this wouldn’t know how to make food right.” She jabbed the ramekin with the tip of her hoof and it slid an inch, the basket of hayfries staying tightly woven. “So, uh, you wanna just eat this, or should we go find something that’s actual food?” Applejack mumbled under her breath and rested her cheek on a hoof. “Let’s just eat it, I don’t wanna pay for two things right now. How the heck do you think we’re supposed to eat it, anyway?” “Beats me. Is the cheese stuff hot?” “Yeah.” “Maybe … fill the basket with ice cubes, then pour the cheese on top to melt it? That’s, like, almost what poutine’s supposed to be.” With a shrug, Applejack picked up the cheese boat and watched Rainbow invert the ice-bucket into the ramekin. Applejack caught a few sharp looks of disapproval from passing waitstaff and snickered despite herself as she poured steaming cheese sauce over top. Rainbow cocked her head to the side and poked the outer edge of the basket, the hayfries starting to soften under the cheese and cold, melty gravy. She pulled a hayfry free and gave Applejack a look full of misgivings. Applejack freed her own hayfry, and the two of them tried it at the same time. Applejack chewed hers. “… That’s … weird.” “Yeah.” “Is that what poutine’s supposed to taste like?” “Not really.” She swallowed the mouthful. “… Ain’t bad.” Rainbow shrugged. “Nah, it’s alright.” They exchanged a look, then both tried to hold in laughter. Applejack let out a long sigh, picked up what she was pretty sure was a salad fork based on the gasp she overheard from a waiter, and broke the basket up until they could fish hayfries out of it. She scooped up several and popped them in her mouth. “So did you find anypony?” Rainbow asked as she chewed around a bite. “Nah.” Applejack swallowed her mouthful. “I talked to a couple’a ponies here for the convention, but they didn’t really have no problems I could see. I’m sure somepony’s here ‘cause they’re on their last legs with their partner or somethin’ and are tryin’ to fix things, but so far it’s just couples lookin’ for a nice weekend together.” She took another bite. The ramekin was already half empty. “Can’t really blame them,” Rainbow said as she shoveled more hayfries into her mouth. “There’s a lot of stuff here that looks like it might be nice. Did you see they have a library?” Applejack nodded. “The hotel’s got a pretty nice gym, too, and there’s a pool.” Applejack cracked a smile. “Were you lookin’ for ponies, or lookin’ for stuff to do this weekend?” “Both, obviously.” Rainbow grinned around a few hayfries sticking out of her mouth. “Look, I know you don’t want to spend any longer here than you have to.” Applejack grimaced and shuffled in her seat. “Hey, I get it, I don’t want to spend time in that room, either. But, like, we’ve both been on these wild pegasus chases from the cutie map, and sometimes you have to wait around a lot to figure out what’s going on with everypony.” She grabbed the rest of the hayfries as Applejack chewed on what was left of her half, leaving the dregs of cheese sauce and half-melted gravy cubes at the bottom of the ramekin. “If that ends up happening, I’d rather be doing something not awful instead of hanging out in a room that looks like a fairytale queen threw up in it.” Snorting, Applejack covered her mouth and shook her head. “Yeah, I getcha. Places like this just always put me on edge, ya know?” Rainbow nodded. “I do know. I’ve gotten pretty used to it with all the Wonderbolts junk, but it isn’t my favorite, either. One of the annoying things about traveling with Rarity, she’d be arguing about how fabulous everything here is.” “I guess I’m bein’ kind of a stick in the mud complainin’ about how fabulous everythin’ here is.” The waiter came back with the bill and she offered him a strained smile as he set it down. She winced at the total and slipped her bag of bits out of her hat. “Figures. Twice as many bits for half as much food.” She stacked up some coins, then looked over at Rainbow, a rueful smile growing on her face. “… Do you wanna go grab some real food now?” Rainbow snickered and got to her hooves. “I’m okay, but if you need more I’ll keep you company.” “Nah, I’m okay, too.” She stepped down from the chair and followed Rainbow out of the restaurant. “I’m gonna need somethin’ bigger’n that for supper.” Rainbow nodded. “We’ll save actual poutine for tomorrow then, or something. One of the workers said that the library would be set up around now, and there’s a yoga class in like an hour, so maybe we’ll find somepony.” She flashed a grin over her shoulder as she opened the door leading back into the hotel proper. “I’d say we could go to the gym or something, but weird poutine’s still poutine.” She patted her stomach. “Yeah, it wasn’t much food, but it still feels like I ate a brick. Readin’ seems like my speed, if we don’t find nopony else who—” As the restaurant door closed behind them, a sharp huff of frustration drew their attention down the hall. “I’m doing this for you, Party, the least you could do is act like you want to be here.” “Oh, please, Double, look at this place! I tried to tell you that it wasn’t our style, but you didn’t listen.” Applejack raised her eyebrows as the two stallions rounded a corner, then stopped and widened their eyes as they spotted her and Rainbow. Applejack smiled. “Double Diamond? Party Favor? Don’t that beat all.” The two of them exchanged a brief glance, then gave her and Rainbow strained smiles. “A-applejack!” Double Diamond said. “And Rainbow Dash.” He looked back and forth between the two of them, then his expression relaxed. “You two here for the convention?” As he said it, tension left Party Favor’s shoulders. Applejack’s smile faltered, and she willed her cheeks to stay cool. “Uh, we are, but it ain’t …” she scuffed her hoof on the floor as Rainbow stopped next to her and hoofbumped Double Diamond. “The cutie map sent us here.” “Ahh.” Party favor and Double Diamond nodded at each other in understanding. “Starlight told us that map sometimes likes to force the issue for your friends,” Party Favor said. “Seems a little presumptuous to me. Then again, I’m not a magical artifact in a tree, so what do I know? Still, it’s good to get everything out in the open with a partner, isn’t it, Double?” His tone grew an edge as he spoke, and he glared sideways at Double Diamond, who muttered under his breath. Applejack felt her stomach squirm and chewed her lip. Rainbow laughed and shook her head. “Listen, if the tree was trying to save our love lives, it’s like eight years too late, me and Applejack tried at the whole couple thing ages ago and it didn’t work out, we’re just friends now.” Applejack felt the ball of snakes in her stomach untie itself, and gave Rainbow a grateful smile. “We’re here to help somepony else out with something.” She nudged Applejack in the side. “Maybe it sent us because we know what it’s like for a relationship to catch fire.” “Heh. Eeyup.” Applejack cleared her throat and looked from Double Diamond to Party Favor, their expressions shifting back guarded. “Listen, uh … we ain’t tryin’ to pry into y’alls love lives, ‘n I can see them daggers you’re both starin’. If you’re just havin’ a weekend together away from home, we’ll leave ya be.” Their eyes met again, then Party Favor glared, his cheeks turning red, and he snapped, “See, Double? Nopony cares! Nopony cares!” He stomped off down the hall, heading toward the convention center. Double Diamond watched him go, his expression wilting from a glare into misery. He slumped and let out a long sigh. “Sorry,” he mumbled, dropping his gaze and scuffing his hooves on the floor. “We weren’t trying to not be friendly, this is all just …” He sighed again. “It’s my fault.” Applejack glanced in the direction that Party Favor went, then at Rainbow, who gave her a silent, helpless shrug. Applejack gave Double Diamond a pained smile. “You, uh, wanna talk about it some?” He glanced up and down the hall with reluctance, then nodded and started slowly walking toward the convention center. Applejack fell into step next to him, with Rainbow next to her. Double Diamond chewed his lip. “I, uh, booked this trip because Party Favor’s angry at me over us … needing to keep our relationship a secret.” Applejack frowned and raised an eyebrow. “A secret? Why you gotta keep it a secret?” “It isn’t my choice, even if Party thinks it is,” he said, his tone defensive. “It’s because of my parents. They wouldn’t understand.” Applejack exchanged a bewildered look with Rainbow. “Understand what? What the heck about Party Favor’s somethin’ your parents wouldn’t get? You ain’t makin’ any sense.” “That he isn’t an athlete!” Applejack stopped in place just outside of the archway into the convention floor and stared at him. She pushed her hat back on her head and scratched her mane. “Uh … it might sound to you like that explains everythin’, but ya lost me. Does that mean anythin’ to you, Dash? Your folks ever jump down your throat for not datin’ athletes only?” “No. Course, I do date athletes only, strong mares are hot.” She jabbed Applejack in the side and winked. “But seriously, no, my mom and dad would probably, like, throw a party for anypony dating me.” She shuddered. Double Diamond groaned and leaned up against the wall. He rubbed his face. “Listen, I know my parents aren’t the most understanding ponies in Equestria, them being the way they are …” his mouth curled up in distaste and he shook his head. “I shouldn’t say that, it isn’t fair. Let’s just say that from all the pressure I had on me as a colt, there was a reason I found the idea of a world without cutie marks appealing.” He shrugged. “I’ve … mostly made peace with them, and I’m trying to keep them in my life because of my little sister, trying to … shield her from the worst of it, you know?” Applejack felt more and more on the back hoof as he spoke, and turned to Rainbow, feeling a wave of relief when Rainbow nodded in understanding. “I get what you mean,” Rainbow said, “Fleetfoot’s dad’s kinda like that, it’s sorta weird and uncomfortable when he’s around.” “Yeah,” Double Diamond said, his tone defeated. “Weird and uncomfortable.” He took a deep breath. “I’m … getting ready to tell them. Allie Oop is going away to college in a few months, after that if things break down with them, it won’t matter as much. But until then …” He shrugged. “Party Favor doesn’t understand. He wants us to be able to go out and spend time together around other ponies, do things as a couple … maybe even move in together.” A small smile crossed his face and he looked down. “It’s … getting far enough along for that to maybe happen.” Applejack smiled and bumped his shoulder. “Well that’s good ta hear.” “Yeah.” He shook his head. “This was supposed to be a chance for us to be out in the open with it around other ponies, since it wouldn’t really have a way to get back to my parents, but, uhh …” He looked between the two of them. “Have you seen what the rooms are like here?” They both grinned and nodded. “Yeah, not our style, either. And then we ran into you, and I froze up a little because since we know you, it might somehow get back to my parents, which made him freeze up a little since he’s really trying for me even though it hurts him, and—” He groaned and covered his eyes with his front hooves. “I’m messing everything up.” With a sigh, Applejack rubbed his shoulder. “Well, you can count on us to keep our mouths shut with your folks.” Rainbow nodded. “Totally.” “I know I can.” He straightened up and gave them both a strained smile. “And I know I can trust our friends at home to do the same. I appreciate you listening to me about all of this, but I really don’t think your friendship mission has anything to do with us, I already know what I need to do.” He chewed his lip and glanced down the hall. “Throw myself at his hooves, tell him I love him, and tell him I want to tell ponies, starting with our friends, so long as we also explain the situation to them. Then, after Allie’s off in school, we can fly a banner made out of balloons over Las Pegasus for all I care.” He gave them both a shy look. “Think that’ll work?” Applejack grinned. “Sounds good to me.” “I’d swoon for it.” Double Diamond smiled and straightened. “Thanks Applejack, Rainbow Dash. I’ll see you around, probably, if Party’s up for staying.” He steeled his stance, then headed off with purpose through the arch. A beat of silence passed, then Rainbow looked around at her side. “Dang it, that wasn’t the friendship problem.” Applejack chuckled and bumped her shoulder. “Cryin’ shame, that, else we might’a had the record for fastest friendship problem all sewn up.” Rainbow raised her brows. “Wait a minute, who has that record now?” “Spike, I think, his was like an hour.” She tapped her chin. “Course he was his own problem, ain’t sure that should count.” “No, obviously.” Rainbow grinned. “If Spike doesn’t count, who’s next that would?” “Me and Fluttershy with the Kirin, I reckon.” With a scoff, Rainbow jabbed Applejack in the chest. “But you were gone for like a week!” “But we were in and outta there in just a couple hours, the travel time to and from don’t count.” “Yes it does!” Applejack chuckled and bumped Rainbow’s shoulder. “How about me and you get movin’ and wrap this one up real quick, then we’ll have the record.” Rainbow bumped back, giggling. “And we can make Twilight get us a trophy!” Their laughter grew as they shoulder-checked each other back and forth, heading into the convention, then stopped as they got to the main corridor that looped around the dome. A few ponies passed in front of them, other attendees of the retreat, judging by the way they looked around, taking everything in. Rainbow turned to Applejack. “Still want to go to the library, or should we walk around again?” “Uh …” She frowned in thought for a moment. “Let’s go to the library, I guess. I think I still need to sit off some’a that sorta-poutine. We’ll walk around in a bit.” With a destination in mind, she started off. “When did you say the yoga thing started?” “Hour. Little less than that now.” “Mm. We’ll read for just a bit, then. Or … I’d say try ‘n talk to somepony in the library, but if Twi ever found out, she’d kill us.” “We’ll just have to whisper talk,” she said, dropping into a stage whisper, then giggling. Applejack joined in, grinning at Rainbow as they walked together. Even if the cutie map’s missions liked to turn into wild pegasus chases, she could at least count on having a little fun on the way. Mr. Esthenics banged the gong, signaling the end of the yoga class, and Applejack let out a breath as she straightened back up. Muscles she didn’t know she had felt warmed up and limber, but the boulder from lunch still sat heavy in her belly. She shook out her shoulders and watched Rainbow unfold herself from a tangle of hooves and wings. “Hate to say it, sugar cube, but I’m gonna need a heck of a lot more practice ‘fore I could match ya at yoga.” Rainbow grinned as she got back on her hooves. “Is that your way of saying that I won?” “We weren’t competin’.” “Yep, I totally won.” She stretched out her back and shook out her wings, then strutted toward the door. Applejack flashed a polite smile at Mr. Esthenics as they passed. “Thank ya kindly, Kale.” “Thank you for attending, Applejack, Rainbow Dash. Good work at the sesh today.” “Thanks. You see or hear nothin’ about a friendship problem while we were busy workin’?” “Only good vibes and aligned chakras today, my dudes. I’ll stay on the lookout, though. Namaste.” As they left, Applejack snickered to herself, then shook her head. “You understand a word’a that, Dash?” “Huh?” Rainbow glanced up, refocusing on her. “Oh, yeah, those Applewood ponies are something.” She smiled and pitched her voice into an accent, waving her forelegs for emphasis. “Like, shah, you’re harshing my mellow, AJ.” They shared a laugh as they approached the group therapy room, then paused, frowning at Rainbow’s neutral and distant expression. “What’s on your mind, Dash?” “Huh?” She glanced up again, then shook her head to clear it and let out a breath. “Sorry, AJ, just, like, thinking about stuff.” “Stuff with the friendship problem I’m hopin’.” Rainbow blinked, then smirked at Applejack. “Yeah, the friendship problem, that is one hundred percent what I’m thinking about, and not how even with waiting an hour it was a mistake to do yoga after poutine.” She winced and gripped her stomach. Applejack laughed and shook her head. “Ain’t that the truth.” “Don’t worry, though, as I said, you’ve got my full attention on this, we’re just not doing anything right now.” Rainbow slowed and frowned around the hallway. “What are we doing right now, anyway?” Still grinning in amusement, Applejack jabbed Rainbow’s chest with a hoof. “We’re goin’ to that group therapy thing. Good thing one of us is payin’ attention.” “Yeah, yeah, my stomach hurts. But now that I know … I’m gonna beat you there.” She thumped her shoulder into Applejack playfully, then hurried ahead. Applejack’s muscles tensed as she started to take after Rainbow, then her stomach gurgled and she stopped herself. “Just gonna make the bellyache worse!” Applejack called after Rainbow, chuckling to herself. She rounded the hall at a sedate pace, following a few stragglers into one of the rooms. Applejack looked around as she crossed the threshold. It was one of the smaller convention center rooms, not big enough to accommodate more than a dozen or so couples at a time. A collection of two-seater benches set in a circle filled up the center of the space. Different pockets of conversations dotted the room as couples milled about before the start. Rainbow had already joined one. The therapist, a unicorn mare with a white coat and and a smooth black mane, just a hoofful of years older than Applejack, stepped out into the middle of the room with a clipboard floating in front of her face. “Hello, everypony, my name is Morning Breeze. I see the conversations have already started, which is perfect, that’s exactly what we’re all here for. Feel free to use the space how you’d like, if that means joining the circle, or having smaller conversations, I’ll be here and available to listen if anyone has topics they need to get off their chest.” “Interestin’,” Applejack muttered to herself. She paused and glanced at the other groups, then over at Rainbow. “Splittin’ up to cover more ground ain’t been gettin’ us nowhere …” she muttered to herself, then shrugged and slipped in next to Rainbow. “You guys just here to get away from stuff, or for, like, the therapy?” Rainbow asked a pair of ponies that made Applejack blink and double-check who Rainbow was looking at. Rainbow flashed a smile and prodded Applejack’s ribs. “Oh, and this is Applejack. AJ, Guff and Daisy, Guff and Daisy, AJ.” Applejack looked back and forth between the two, still trying to accept they were a couple. Daisy was tiny and mousey, reminding her of Coco Pommel twenty years older, while Guff looked like he’d be right at home in the gym with Bulk Biceps, and Applejack inevitably ended up imagining Coco and Bulk together. She supposed it could work. “Pleased to meet you both,” said Daisy. “And we’re here for a little of each, I suppose, wouldn’t you say, dear?” She smiled at Guff, who returned the look with tenderness, and Applejack’s surprise wore off. If Coco and Bulk looked at each other the same way, it would definitely work. “The therapy isn’t really for us, though, we come to the retreat every year.” Applejack raised her brows. “Every year?” “Yep, every year for the past twenty, and still going strong,” Guff said, hugging his wife closer. “Little strange of a holiday choice, we know, since so many couples are here because things are on the rocks. We like talking to ponies, though, right, hon?” Daisy smiled and nodded. “We maybe can’t do much helping for those who are struggling, but I suppose being a living reminder that relationships can last for decades is helpful in its own way. Mostly we just like seeing how other ponies get along with each other.” She patted Guff’s foreleg, then smiled at Applejack and Rainbow. “So how long have you two been together?” Applejack felt her back go rigid, then glanced at Rainbow out of the corner of her eye. She sighed. Rainbow giggled and jabbed Applejack in the side. “Together for five, married for two, right?” Their eyes met and the smile vanished. Rainbow straightened up. “Nah, we’re just friends. We’re here on, like, official business.” Guff frowned and cocked his head to the side. “Business? What sort of business would lead you to a couples retreat?” “The friendship kind.” Daisy straightened. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Princess Twilight, would it? Do you know Princess Twilight? Do you think you could get her to sign my book?” She swung a saddlebag around and started to rifle through it. Rainbow and Applejack looked at each other from the corners of their eyes with their mouths pressed thin. Rainbow muttered, “Should we split up?” Daisy gasped. “Wait, Rainbow Dash and Applejack! You two have to sign my book, too!” Applejack cleared her throat and gave Daisy a strained smile. She muttered out of the corner of her mouth at Rainbow, saying, “Unless we want this happenin’ all day, probably a good idea.” Rainbow whispered back, “Race you to find the friendship problem, loser pays for dinner.” “You’re on.” Daisy broke through their whispered conversation, shoving a copy of the friendship journal under their snouts. “I loved your story about the running of the leaves! It sounded just like my daughter’s relationship with her husband, the two of them are always making up little competitions with each other, do you two still do that?” A sea of questions fell over her while Daisy looked less and less mousey by the moment. Guff gave them both an apologetic smile and Applejack muttered noncommittal answers while she signed the book, then backed her way out of the conversation. As Rainbow covered her escape with a story about Discord, Applejack let out a sigh of relief and headed for a different crowd. “That’ll keep her busy for a while, looks like I got a head start.” Her smirk fell, and she scowled at herself. “Race or no race, stop temptin’ fate hopin’ Dash can’t find nothin’, else we’re gonna be stuck here the whole dang weekend.” She let out a slow breath, then looked over the options of groups to join. She spotted a few familiar faces from earlier in the day dotting different conversations and tried to focus on the others, searching out expressions of discontent. A pair of mares off in the corner caught her eye, their smiles looking strained and fake. She headed over. “Howdy, folks,” Applejack said as she slipped between a middle-aged business pony with a waxed mustache and a mare several years younger than her who looked ready for a dance party. “How’s the convention treatin’ y’all so far? I’m Applejack.” “Fairly well so far,” said the business-pony in a mild Manehattan accent. “I’m Rising Stocks and this is my partner, Bear Market.” Bear Market gave the group a small smile and nodded their head. The raver girl smiled. “I’m Candy Crush, he’s High Score,” she said, prodding her boyfriend, a gangly stallion with his mane flopped in front of his eyes. “The convention’s been … um … it was a gift from my dad.” The corner of Applejack’s mouth curved up in the ghost of a smile, then she turned to the two mares, their expressions still locked in rictus grins. “I’m—” they both started at once, then clicked their jaws shut. “Sorry, Bun, you go ahead,” “No, you go ahead,” “Are you sure? I don’t mind if you go.” “No, it’s fine, please, unless you want me to go.” “I don’t insist.” They both stared at each other for a beat, then turned to Applejack and said, “I’m—” at the same time before falling silent again. Candy Crush cleared her throat. She pointed a hoof at the first mare, a teal pegasus with her blonde mane cut shorter than Rainbow’s. “Applejack, meet Bunnyhop.” She pointed at the other, a robust earth pony with a white coat and strawberry mane in a messy bun at the top of her head. “And Clydesdale.” She lowered her tone to a conspiratorial stage whisper. “That’s as far as we got, too.” Applejack looked the two of them over, both of them about her age to maybe a little younger, and tried to imagine how on Equestria two Fluttershies could possibly manage to work up the courage to start dating each other. “Con treatin’ you two well?” “Yes,” they both answered in a clipped tone, meeting each other’s eyes for a moment, then widening their smiles. Shifting her weight from one set of hooves to the other, Applejack chewed her lip. Conversation might have been awkward, but it was the most promising one she’d had so far, and she pressed forward. “So, uh … what’s everypony do for work? I’m a farmer.” The Manehattanites gave her an answer involving investments that she didn’t quite follow, and the party kids giggled over the idea of having jobs, while she narrowed her eyes at the two mares stumbling over each other. She let out a breath and picked one at random. “Bunnyhop.” Bunnyhop straightened. “Yes?” “What’cha do for work?” “Oh, I’m a roller derby girl.” Applejack blinked. Bunnyhop cast a tense look at her girlfriend, then said, “Clydesdale is, too. We’re co-captains of the Las Pegasus Punishers.” Applejack looked them over again with her eyebrows raised, noting that although Bunnyhop was a slight build compared to Clydesdale, both of them were almost pure muscle, and were crisscrossed with pale scars that faded almost entirely into their coats. “Roller derby, eh? Ain’t never tried it, but it sounds dang fun.” “It is!” they both said at once and Clydesdale stepped forward, her expression flashing with excitement. Bunnyhop’s voice wavered and she flashed Clydesdale a split-second glare before stepping back. “I’m a blocker,” Clydesdale continued, “we form the pack and block the other team’s jammer from getting by. You’d probably make a good blocker, too, if you wanted to give it a try, maybe a pivot, you look like you could be fast enough to jam if you needed to. Your girlfriend’s got jammer written all over her, though, just like Bunnyhop, who—” Applejack felt a twinge of unease run up her spine as she glanced back over her shoulder at Rainbow, who was deep in a conversation with Daisy still, and sighed internally. Couldn’t even get away from it while splitting up. She returned her attention to the two mares and raised an eyebrow. As Clydesdale had mentioned Bunnyhop’s name, she’d turned toward her girlfriend, then froze mid-sentence. Applejack glanced back and forth between them as they both looked caught in each other’s gazes, then Clydesdale whispered, “Sorry, did you—” “It’s fine.” “Are you sure?” “Go ahead.” “I don’t want to take up—” “If you want me to talk, I’ll talk.” “I just don’t want to talk over—” “You’re not talking over, you can talk.” Applejack’s brows rose higher and higher as they went back and forth. She looked over at Rising Stocks and Bear Market, who watched the two with a look of morbid fascination, then at Candy Crush and High Score who had fallen into their own, private conversation, both of them looking bored. Applejack cleared her throat, and the two mares looked up with the same caught expression. Applejack gave them a strained smile. “You, uh, end up talkin’ over each other a lot?” “No,” they both said, and the same look of irritation passed over Bunnyhop’s face. “Why, uh, don’t you tell me more about this whole blockin’ thing, Clydesdale, ‘n then you can tell me about jammin’, Bunnyhop. That sound good?” They both brightened, and Bunnyhop smiled at Clydesdale expectantly while she got into the mechanics of the game. As Applejack's interest grew the more she learned about the game and considered how well a derby team somewhere as small as Ponyville could work, the other two couples eventually excusing themselves to other groups and new ponies joining them, Applejack watched the pair closely. Neither of them struck her as being all that much like Fluttershy the moment they spoke on their own—if anything, Clydesdale reminded her of a dry-witted Pinkie Pie and Bunnyhop of Twilight when she found something technical to talk about—they both grew meek and deferent the moment they came close to stepping on each other’s hooves. She knew some relationships just starting out could be a bit rocky with everypony always trying to not cross lines, but going on a couples retreat for a new relationship struck her as a little odd. Applejack’s curiosity mounted. She let out a long breath through her snout when the conversation lulled as the two of them fell into another whispered battle to concede. “… How long you two been together?” she interrupted. “Huh?” they both said, glancing up, then shrinking back again. Clydesdale cleared her throat and brushed her mane aside, shooting Bunnyhop a shy look. “Oh, um, is it six years now, Bun?” Bunnyhop nodded. “Six last May.” She shuffled her hooves and smiled. “We met in school.” Applejack cocked her head to the side as the picture in her head of the two of them shredded itself. “Dang, I was thinkin’ …” She cleared her throat again and straightened, her thoughts jumping to other potential explanations. “What brings you two here on the retreat? Did you have a big row and are tryin’ to patch things up?” They both gave her a blank look. “A fight, did ya have yourselves a fight.” “Oh,” Clydesdale said. “No, we didn’t have a fight.” “We don’t fight.” “We’ve never had a fight at all,” Bunnyhop said, then smiled at Clydesdale with a hint of pride. “We came because—” “We’re here because it seemed like it’d be nice,” Clydesdale interrupted, then sucked in a breath. “Sorry, you go ahead.” “No, it’s fine, you can—” Applejack cut through them. “Might not be my place to say, but not fightin’ can be as bad as fightin’, you know that, right?” They furrowed their brows at Applejack. She held the gaze and shrugged. “Bottlin’ everythin’ up and not thinkin’ or talkin’ about it’s a good way for stuff to stay the way it is, and if things ain’t workin’ good, the problems are just gonna get worse ‘less you fess up and talk about it all out in the open. Ain’t always easy, but—” “But we don’t have problems like that,” Clydesdale interrupted, then gave Applejack a chagrined smile. “Sorry, but it’s true. When you’re throwing shoulders in the ring, you don’t have the energy to get angry at things outside of it. Yeah?” She turned to Bunnyhop. “Absolutely. If you save your anger for the jams, your performance is better, and I have the statistics to prove it. The rest of the time you can be calm, cool, and collected.” Applejack frowned in thought, tapping her chin. “Interestin’. Guess bein’ together six years says well enough that it works, ‘specially …” Applejack bit her tongue and opted not to say that they’d probably started the same age she and Rainbow had tried to make it work, if not younger, and managed to stay together roughly ten times as long. “Guess I ain’t winnin’ the race that easy,” she muttered under her breath, then raised her voice, saying, “Well, if it works for you, then it works for you.” She grinned, then turned to one of the couples that had joined up with their group. “Sorry, we’ve been hoggin’ the conversation, how’s the con treatin’ you two?” The conversations alternated back and forth as they wove in and out of groups, with Applejack eventually sitting down at the more formal circle of benches, listening in on different conversations, hearing about ponies’ lives and hints of problems as the session wore on. Rainbow let out a breath as she slumped down next to her on the bench. Applejack grinned, dropping her tone low to not interrupt the others in the circle. “Finally get away from Daisy?” “A while ago, thank Celestia. You find anything yet?” “Nope. You?” “Nuh-uh. Might have to coinflip for dinner.” She grinned and winked. “Unless I win now.” She hopped back to her hooves and walked over to a different group. Applejack chuckled, shook her head, and climbed back to standing, scanning for a pocket of ponies she hadn’t spoken to yet. She glanced at the clock. Still plenty of time to go. Maybe she could win, and not just dinner. She knew it was stupid, but she wanted Twilight to make them a trophy, too.