//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: Asterix in Equestria // by 23LEvans //------------------------------// Chapter 1 No one like him at the moment unfortunately, because he was singing very much out of tune on the balcony of his tree house and the rain came down like the wee of totatis itself, “OH and I, BrINg dowN the RaIn” he sang, “AND DOWNS THE WORD” Fulliautomatix shouted down below red in the face, sauntering up to the tree with a chisel and hammer, “hey i live up here you know” Cacofinix shouted back going red in the face himself as Fulliautomatix drilled into the tree, the rain stopped “well if your singing wasn’t as bad as the smell of Unhygenix’s fish i wouldn’t be-” Fulliautomatix began but something wet and sloping and smelled rotting hit the back of his head. “You best watch your mouth” Unhygenix shouted in retaliation for his trades verbal abuse, “or i might just-” and that was when Fulliautomatix’s hammer hit him square in his face, within minutes the two were having a massive punch up, “oh look a fight!, a fight!” one villager called and others said, “Bacteria got last year's stock of fish!” Unhygenix called Bacteria, “don’t go too far Geriatrix sweety” Geriatrix’s wife told her husband, “just going to stretch my legs” Geriatrix replied. Last years stock of fish made great melee weapons, Obelix joined in, Asterix, Dogmatix and Getafix just stood by and watched the whole thing, they had too much sense to join in, “fish again, it’s always fish that start the fight” Getafix sighed, “Flying fish at that” Asterix agreed as he ducked and a fish flew over his head. “Oh well it’s traditional” he sighed “Romans!” came a cry of joy from the gates, a villager at the gates had just spotted a platoon of romans outside the gates. The Chief came running out of his house on his shield, with his shield bears doing the running “alright get out the magic potion” he ordered.  a minute later “Did everyone take a nice big swig!?” Vitalstatistics asked “YAAAHHH” the Gauls shouted, “no” Obelix pouted, “silence” Vitalstatistix ordered “it’s time for my-” but the gauls including his shield bearers “CHARGE BY TOUTATIS” they all shouted, Toutatis by the way was one of the gaulish gods. Outside the village the Romans were shaking in the sandals, “s-stay strong m-m-men” the centurion stammered, “Jupiter help us” one legionnaire said, “mummy” another begged.  The Gauls then rammed right through their shields, Fulliautomatix smashed the legions into the ground, Dogmatix chased a group of three around the battlefield, Obelix used the centurion as a melee weapon, Geriatrix bounced on a legionnaires face multiple times “owowowowowowow” the same legionnaire exclaimed. Asterix sent Legionnaires flying in all directions “I'm not ready for skydiving” one remarked, Vitalstatistix picked another up bodily and repeatedly slapped his face, knocking out most of his teeth. Unhygienix used his fish as a melee weapon, “this doesn’t even out the scale '' one legionnaire said, “the only scale i see are the fish ones” another pointed out. “Good job lads we sent them packing” Vitalstatistix said in praise to his villagers, “is it over already? we just finished the warmup” Obelix moaned in disappointment, “thank juno it’s over then” one still conscious legionnaire said, “they promised that we would fight war, not Gauls” another mouthed, “i signed up to see the world not stars yet here i am going over the moon” a third said glumly, “ceasers not gonna be swimming in the sea of tranquillity when he hears about this” the centurion agreed, “one more pun like that and i jetisson myself out of the army right here” another legionary grumbled. “Well that was fun wasn’t it Obelix?” Asterix asked “not really these new romans are going soft” Obelix said disappointed, “well maybe they can send something new for us chubby chops” Asterix commented. “I do say what a smashing job you all did, quit a smashing hit” said a fancy voice, Asterix turned to see his british cousin twice removed, Anticlimax, his stiff upper lip was hard to see through the ginger mustache. “Why Anticlimax!Tell me the Romans are causing trouble?” Astrix asked concerned shaking his cousins hand in the traditional among the British “oh good heavens no old fruit i came here for a rather quick hello and stay” Anticlimax replied, “well then came on we just finished with the romans” Asterix said, “a smashing good finish at that” a stunned legionary remarked. Meanwhile in equestria “Not again” Twilight sparkle, a purple alicorn exclaimed for the millionth time as her spell failed, she couldn’t understand it, she had worked on it for a long time and yet nothing, well not strictly true, she had managed to send a magical gem to another dimension and now she was trying to bring it back with no result, except for the multiple craters in her home. “Twilight you have been practicing that spell since 5 in the morning” exclaimed her assistant, spike the dragon flying down with three more book, “take a break” that made Twilight's hair stand up on end very angrily she whirled around and yelled the following in Spikes face, “TAKE A BREAK!TAKE A BREAK!I have been working on THIS particular spell and I am NOT going to give up now SO DON’T TELL ME TO TAKE A BREAK!” Spike put on his custom armor after the outburst and did a very bold move. “At least have a sandwich” he squeaked, you could practically see her steam coming out of her ears as her face went red and she whirled around powering up her horn for a final go, the energy built up and she was lifted off the ground without the work of her wings, her eyes glowed white and there was a blinding flash that sent the crystal castle flying a good mile into the air before crashing down. Back at the indomitable gaulish village Asterix, Obelix and Anticlimax were having dinner in Asterix hut and talking about things in Brittany when they heard someone shouting very strong language outside, it was Getafix the druid, using gaulish swear words. He was clutching his toe and jumping up and down “Ow ow ow” he continued to mutter as everyone came outside to watch, “what kind of dance is that?” Fulliautomatix asked, “I stubbed my toe,” Getafix said back, still in pain, “that’s an unusual dance” Obelix said, “you’ll give cacofonix ideas”. Asterix bent down to look at what he stubbed his two on, it was a gem, “it’s gem” Asterix said, it was flashing pink light slightly, “well what do we have here” Vitalstatistix asked, “pass it here i’ll give it to my wife”, “hold up a minute” said geriatrix the oldest inhabitant of the village, why should you get all the bling?”, “cause i’m the chief and a Blinging one at that” Vitalstatistix shot back. “So just because your the chief, that means the rest of us get nothing fancy is that it” Fulliautomatix asked sarcastically, “at least i got my fish” Unhygenix bragged, “your fish are about as fancy as a chum bucket” Vitalstatistix snapped, Unhygenix threw a fish in the chief's face taking offence, “charge boys” Vitalstatix said to his shield bearers who ran at Unhygienix while the chief whirled the fish above his head. Within moments they had all forgotten about the gem and were brawling, including Obelix, except for Getafix, Asterix and Anticlimax, “I saw , is this how debates often go old fruit?” Anticlimax asked, “usually” Asterix admitted to his cousin. Then the gem began to glow steadily, the brightness increased to a small flashlight, no one noticed, until it became a blinding flash that blinded the villagers and went as far as the camps of Compendium, Aquarium, Laudanum and Totorum. Everyone in that area was blinded and when the light faded the village and the camps had disappeared completely from view from all eyes. Back in equestria Twilight had fallen unconscious and Spike was recovering from the magical overload his makeshift custom armor completely disintegrated, and he sat up, looked at twilight and sighed, “better get her friends” he sighed as he flapped into the air and out the door of the castle.