"Alright, there we go we have your underground home ready. It needs some tweaking but you'll manage, right?" I said, looking at Optimus. We had been with each other for two days, no one knows about this but me. I had lied to him about needing his aid because I felt like Evil was coming. Like Hell it is. Optimus looked down at me as he sat down in his cave.
"I'll manage, though I have a question. Why are you preventing me from seeing these… Ponies?" Optimus inquired, I crossed my arms.
"Well, they would freak out. You're an Autobot, a Cybertronian, a man of metal. What would they think if they saw a man of war such as yourself? Everyone is terrified of me due to my Hitman status." I told Optimus, Optimus nodded.
"I suppose you are right, with the amount of blood on my hands I would be seen as a monster. Added with the idea I can turn into a vehicle that they do not understand doesn't help either. I will stand here and guard the Everfree Forest as its protector. If you ever need my aid, be sure to call upon me." Optimus kneeled down and looked at me.
"And call me if you need help." I said with a smile, I then sighed. "And now I have to deal with the day I hate the most."
"You seem troubled, can you tell me what today is?" Optimus Prime asked me, I sigh.
"Hearts and Hooves day, this world's Valentine's Day. I hate the day because everyone shows more love than they're use to. And being single during this day, people or rather ponies shame you. I had never wanted a girlfriend throughout my life. I believe that they're pointless." I said, looking at Optimus.
"It would seem that this race has taken a lot after Humans. This Hearts and Hooves Day makes you feel uneasy because you're asexual and feel that the love isn't real, that is what I've gathered. I understand, the AllSpark gave birth to us all and we could not reproduce. The only way to make another Cybertronian was to melt the body and forge a sibling. There were female Cybertronian like Arcee, though she died during the war on Cybertron she had something for Cliffjumper." Optimus said to me. "They could only embrace, nothing else, but the love was real. We never had a need for Valentine's Day nor a Hearts and Hooves Day because they didn't need a reason to celebrate our love if we do it all the time."
"Exactly, you understand, now I'll need to go to Ponyville. Do. Not. Go into the cave on the southern side of the Everfree Forest, a Dragon dwells there." I warned the Cybertronian.
"Understood, I wish you luck on your endeavors." Optimus bid me farewell and I flew away to Ponyville.
Oh boy…
When I arrived I felt love in the air, and I looked to my right and I saw the Mail Pony flying stupidly and spinning out somewhere. I shook my head and descended downwards. My feet touched the soil and I began to walk down the streets of Ponyville. The market was up and Applejack was selling caramel apples, to which I walked to.
"Howdy there Hit, want some caramel apples? Ah made em mahself!" Applejack smiled, I looked at one.
"Sure I'll take one, but I'm not going to eat it." I said as I took it, Applejack's eyes widened in shock.
"My oh my, do ya have a special pony yer gonna give it to?" Applejack said, with a cheeky smile.
"Not in that way, no, I'm going to give this to Twilight. As thanks for providing me food, shelter, and water. She's been nothing but nice to me, and I respect that." I answered honestly, "And for Spike I'll give him this." I brought out a red ruby. I then pull out some bits, "I'm only doing this because of the holiday spirit, nothing Friendship wise, just thanking them."
"Uh huh, well, ah'll do it for free since yer bein' nice!" I dropped a bag of bits in front of her, it was the size of a melon. I then take a caramel apple.
"Farewell." I took my leave and Applejack's mouth went agape. I made my way to Golden Oaks Library and on my walk I ran into the Crusaders. Not literally but you know what I mean.
"Hey Hit, why are you not with a mare? Or with anypony?" Scootaloo asked me, I glanced down at Scootaloo.
"Because I don't have one." I answered simply, Applebloom opened her eyes wide.
"How do you not have a marefriend? You're handsome!" Applebloom said, looking at me. At first I was shocked she found me attractive but then my thoughts went somewhere else as I imagined myself with Handsome Squidwards face. I shook the thought off with a shiver.
"Because I do not see the purpose of having a girlfriend or marefriend as you say it. I work alone and having a girlfriend will hinder it, why you ask? Because. I. Work. Alone. I do not need anyone but myself." I said with a frown, I then walked away in a huff. I don't like friends for a lot of things, one of them being that they spill secrets sooner or later.
As I walked away a smile came across the fillies face, I wonder why though. As I reached Golden Oaks Library I knocked on its door. Twilight opened the door, Spike right behind her. Twilight looked at me and began to blush furiously, thinking that I am giving this to her because I love her. I do not.
"H-H-H-Hit?!" Twilight stammered, obviously flustered.
"I am giving this to you because you were nice to me. Providing me food, shelter, and water, this is a thank you gift." I hand the caramel apple to Twilight. "As for you Spike, you're a good kid and have room to grow. Thanks for being nice to me." I hand Spike a red ruby, I then turn around. "I'm only doing this because of the Holiday spirit. Any less of me would be insulting."
"Um, thanks Hit I don't know what to say. Would you say that we're your friends?" Twilight asked, thinking I would say yes.
"No." I then shot off to the skies, I was then approached by the Mail Pony who looked retarded.
"Hello uh, are you Hit?" She said stupidly, I cross my arms.
"Indeed I am." I answered, the Mail Pony got a letter out from her back and gave it to me.
"Well, here ya go. Bye Hit!" The Mail Pomy flies away, "Gonna get myself some muffins!" I facepalm, Abridged Goku incarnate.
I looked at the letter with curiosity, and I began to open it. When I did I read said letter like any sane person would do. It read 'Dear Hit, I am your biggest fan, ever since you came to Ponyville I've been thinking of you nonstop. I know this is Hearts and Hooves Day but can we hang out, not as coltfriend and marefriend but as friends? Meet me at Saddle Lake. From, your Number One Fan."
"Hmph, I don't see why I can't." I put the letter in my pocket and I flew to Saddle Lake. I reached the lake in a matter of seconds. I spotted Cheerilee sitting down, a picnic basket in front of her. 'It couldn't be her could it? Hm, just in case however…' I descend and I touch the soil. I walked towards her and stopped mere feet from her.
"Uh, hello Hit, are you my secret admirer?" Cheerilee asked me, I quirked an eyebrow.
"Are you? I had gotten a message that someone was my fan and wanted to meet me." I answered Cheerilee calmy.
"I had gotten a message that somepony loved me and wanted to meet me. I just wanted to humor them and not break their heart." Cheerilee said, I then sat down.
"Someone must be trying to get us together. I'm not in need of a marefriend or coltfriend." I then sat down on the grass, Cheerilee sighed.
"Me too, I hadn't wanted a girlfriend or coltfriend. Since I had a divorce with my husband I… Hadn't really loved anyone. I know I am in no place to ask but… Why do you not like love?" Cheerilee asked me, I crossed my arms.
"I plead the fifth." I said, I don't need a reason, I just don't find anything attractive.
"Uh huh so, what made you become a Hitman?" I closed my eyes when Cheerilee asked me this.
"Following my family business." I answered, "I was raised to kill, and I don't mind it as well." It was sort of true, I was a hunting boy, shooting down animals and what not.
"So… You never had a say in the matter?" Cheerilee asked me.
"Yes, I had a say, I chose to be a Hitman." I answered the Teacher's question. "Our talk has been nice but I'll be going now." I stood up, Cheerilee did as well.
"Yeah, it's time for me to head home." Cheerilee nodded, and we then went our separate ways. Me walking one way, Cheerilee walking the other. I went to Golden Oaks Library where I headed inside. When I went inside Spike walked up to me with pancakes.
"Uh, I just wanted to thank you for the ruby. It was really tasty." Spike said, with a smile. I hadn't eaten all day.
"Thank you Spike." I took the plate from him, it had a fork and syrup on the pancakes. I walked towards the dining table and sat down. I ate my meal as Spike stared at me. "What do you want?" I asked Spike.
"So… Have you met any dragons?" Spike asked me, I glanced at him, as curious as he was. Curious that he would ask such a question.
"Yes, and before you ask, yes, I have slain a fair share of dragons." I said as Spike gulped in fear.
"S-so… What opinions do you have on them?" Spike inquired, I took a sip of water.
"They're cultured and look pretty cool. I met the Dragon Lord myself and he's pretty nice if you get to know him." I put the cup down.
"You met THE Dragon Lord?" Spike said, his jaw dropping. I nodded.
"Indeed, he and I fought once and he was pretty strong." I said as Spike beamed.
"So… Cool! Tell me more!" And thus I spent some time telling him about the Dragon Lord and I.
"And that's how Torch and I became associates." I told Spike the story of how I helped the dragons with a meteorite.
"Wow… You're so cool!" Spike beamed, "I want to be like you one day. Well not JUST like you but I want to learn from you. You probably have some cool Hitman stuff, right?" Spike said, I sighed.
"You have no idea," I said as I shook my head. "I have a technique where I can sprout and extra two arms."
"What?! That'd be SO useful when helping Twilight." Spike said with a sigh.
"Is all you do, help Twilight? Do you have any other hobbies or do you just follow her around?" I asked Spike.
"Uh, I usually just go on adventures with her and her friends. And even then I'm not really helpful, sometimes she just leaves me here to just… Read." Spike answered honestly.
"Hm, why don't you make friends like Twilight? The Crusaders are a good option, Snips and Snails as well." I responded to Spike.
"Well the Crusaders are too hyper and want to get their cutie mark, and I don't want to be a labrat for their experiments. And Snips and Snails are just…" Spike put his hand up and waved it around trying to formulate the words.
"Idiots?" I said, trying to help Spike out.
"Yeah! They're a but on the dumber side and I can't find anyone who has the same interests as me." Spike says honestly.
"Those books ruined your childhood, you're suppose to be out there having fun. Not reading books, hm, because our talks are nice I'll help you find a friend." I get up, and walk towards the door. Spike was happy but then got confused.
"But we're friends!" Spike hopped off his chair and followed me to the door.
"Associates!" I answered as I headed out the door. Spike followed me and I looked around. "Now, I think the afterschool is over here. You should really enlist in afterschool, you're young and need interaction. I know you're smarter than the others now given you and Twilight are like siblings but camaraderie is needed."
"What is com-rah-dairy?" Spike tilted his head.
"My point proven, also camaraderie is the Magic of Friendship but cooler." I said, "Magic of Friendship is far too girly, Camaraderie is just… More manly."
"Yeah, sometimes saying the Magic of Friendship… Makes me feel like a girl." Spike said with a shiver.
"Well, let's g-" I was then hit on the head by a letter. I growl and open the letter.
'Come to Saddle Lake'
"Spike, go to the schoolhouse, I have to deal with something." I turned around and walk to Saddle Lake.
"But why?" Spike said with a pout, I stopped and glanced back at him.
"Think of it like this, you want to be independent right? So you must do things on your own, goodbye." I walked away and Spike stood there in surprise before walking away.
As I approached the Saddle Lake there was a picnic table with two bottles of juice. I sat on the bench and looked around, wondering why I was here. Why did I even come here?
"Hm, why did I come here?" Was it to get away from Spike? Was it to be alone or just my habit of following orders?
"Hit?" I snapped out of my trance. Cheerilee walked out from the bushes, "Why are you out here? Who is up to this?"
"I'm confident that it's the Crusaders. Seeing as we're both here it must be a ploy set up by the Crusaders to get us together." I said with a sigh, Cheerilee walked over and sat down on the bench.
"It must have taken them a while to bring this all together for us, so we should at least drink the strawberry punch." Cheerilee said, reaching for the bottle. I open mine and I gaze into it, I take a whiff of it and I opened my eyes wide in realization.
"Cheerilee wait!" I said, looking at Cheerilee in horror. But I was too late, her pupils turned into hearts.
"Will you be my very special pony?" Cheerilee said with a smile. I immediately noped out of there and jumped two meters back.
"YES!" The Crusaders said, throwing their hands in the air.
"No, I will not be your special pony." I took a step back, this potion is available on the Black Market, normally used to use mares for sex.
"Oh come on my baby boo, my purple beanie weenie." Cheerilee walked towards me like a zombie and stuck her arms out in front of me.
"Ew!" The Crusaders said in disgust, they then ran away to god who knows where.
'Oh HELL no!' I then began to sprint to Golden Oaks Library. I never bothered with the Love Potion so I do not know the cure. I parkoured over people, houses, barrels, and concession stands. I then did a front flip and arrived at Golden Oaks Library. 'Parkour!' I thought in Michael Scott's voice. I then open the door and close it before locking every single lock in the library.
"Hit, Hit, HIT!" Twilight yelled as I ended my crusade. "What are you doing?"
"Asked them what they did." I glared at the Crusaders who were in the Library.
"We're sorry Hit, we just wanted you to be happy…" Scootaloo said, being sad about upsetting me.
"Yeah we didn't know that Cheerilee would act like this." Sweetiebelle said, pressing her two index fingers against each other.
"We're sorry we gave Cheerilee that love potion." Applebloom said with a sigh.
"YOU WHAT?!?!? Do you know what the Love Potion did to the King and Queen? The whole kingdom was destroyed because they were too focused on love! If Hit didn't drink it, then Cheerilee would do uncanny measures just to make Hit love her! You need to prevent them from seeing each other for an hour then the spell will wear off." Twilight said to all of us.
"R-right!" The Crusaders said, pumped up that they're not in trouble.
"Understood." I nodded, I turned to the door but it was then being pulled on rapidly. "She's here." I rolled to the door, to the side where someone wouldn't see me if they did open it.
Suddenly there was a wood snapping sound and I turned towards the door. An axe was shown from the door and everyone's blood ran cold. Cheerilee chopped at the door again and peeked in. "Here's Cheerilee!" I flew through the roof yelling in my mind. "Come back my lovey dovey darling!"
"No!" I said, I looked around, 'Where would I be safe? The sky, yes, she would never- Wait… Is that a blimp? WHERE DID SHE GET A FUCKING BLIMP?!?!?'
"Don't run from our love Hitty witty!" Cheerilee said in a sing song tone.
"FUCK YOU!!!" I yelled at Cheerilee.
"If you come close I will!" Cheerilee said with lust in her eyes, literally!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" I screamed as I flew to Canterlot, breaking the sound barrier. I look at the Palace and I crash into the throne room startling everyone. I then get up to my feet and stare at Celestia. "Princess Celestia I need to hide somewhere to get away from someone who drank a love potion and is now on the hunt for me." I said, my monotone voice showing some sighs of fear.
"Oh god I knew this would happen some day, to the bunker!" Celestia said, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the throne. She touches a button and the throne splits apart and reveals a corridor. "In here, go." I head in the corridor and Celestia closes it. "Now we wait…"
I walked down the bunker with haste, metal doors closing behind me as I walked past them. I then reached a room with a refrigerator, a bed, some board games, and a bunch of books. I then sighed, I was safe here, there was no way that she would ever reach- SLAM!
"We're sorry Hit, we couldn't hold her off!" An exhausted Celestia said, guards groan on the other side.
"Oh Hitty, I'm coming!" The metal doors began to break down as she approaches me. Door after door as she was getting close I was screaming the whole time.
"KAMI HAVE MERCY!!!"
Fourty Five Minutes Later...
I sat there, out on the ocean, laying down on a raft. I had escaped Canterlot, I went to Manehatten, Minos, Griffonstone, and even the Dragon Lands. She followed me in all of those locations. Now I'm at the bottom of the world, somewhere in Antarctica on a raft. I was cold…
"Hit's Log, entry number 202… I've been evading the loved crazed Cheerilee for what it seems like years now. I'm not sure if I can keep on running, I'm hungry and tired. I'm currently in Antarctica hanging out with this Orca." I said glancing at the Orca that I've been playing fetch with, it was currently doing circles around me. I raise the fetching stick up before throwing it weakly away. "The bottom of the world is colder than the top of it, I can't feel my legs or my fingers… Or my right arm because it's asleep now. I'm suffering here, I'm fading away… Bleh." I close my eyes, and fake death.
"Ey yo get the fuck up and throw that stick again." The Orca demanded, I grab the stick with my left arm. "Yeah, just like that." I then throw the stick far and the Orca swims away.
"What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning…" I sang before coughing out ice. "Way hay and up she rises, way hay and up she rises, way hay and up she rises early in the morning… Oh god I've resorted to singing to calm down. We're in the endgame now…" I groaned.
"HITTY!!!!" I hear the voice of Cheerilee.
"NOOOOO!!!!" I shot off to the skies, going faster than I've ever gone before. I then flew to Ponyville. I arrived in a minute and I hit the roads of Ponyville. Landing on my feet and skidding to a halt. "How long has it been?" I said, glancing at Twilight and her friends who built a shelter for me that I ordered around twenty minutes ago.
"Fifty five minutes, five more minutes and you're free." Twilight said, I then moon walk into the shelter.
"We'll hold the line!" Applejack said, "Alright girls, Hit needs our help to stop this curse. We need to hold her off for five more minutes!"
"Ma'am yes ma'am!" The girls saluted, I just close the shelter's doors. I then peek through the peekjole which went both ways.
"Are we gonna let our friend get harrassed?" Applejack paced like a Drill Sargent.
"No ma'am!" The girls say eith determination in their eyes.
"Then let's try out best!" Applejack said, and the girls woop. Cheerilee walked down the streets of Ponyville, already back from the other side of the world.
"Where's my Hitty witty?" Cheerilee wondered before looking at the shelter. Rainbow Dash cracked up.
"Hitty witty, pfft!"
"Rainbow Dash, focus!"
"Alright, alright. Now listen here Cheerilee if anyone is going to smash Hit it's gonna be me. Wait that didn't come out right, I mean my foot hitting his no-" Cheerilee frowned at Rainbow Dash's comment.
"Stay away from… My Hitty!" Cheerilee grabbed Rainbow Dash's foot before tossing her aside. Fluttershy walked up to Cheerilee.
"I- Um… I would appreciate you not throwing my friends. M-maybe you can stop making Hit uncomfortable. I-I mean if you want to." Fluttershy hid behind her mane and Cheerilee just walked past her, not even bothering with her.
"Now you listen here, I'm all for lady's pursuing their dream coltfriend but this is unladylike! Now can you explain for a sec-" Rarity was pushed away, knocking her off balance and making her fall in mud. "My dress, my mane! IT'S RUINED!!!" Rarity then runs away, defeated.
"Look at me Cheerilee, ooh that rhymed!" Pinkie Pie said, bouncing around Cheerilee. She then played a bunch of instruments all at once to distract her from me. But all failed, "Aw…"
"Let's see, what spell can stop Cheerilee… Oh, that wall spell!" Twilight casts a spell that made a brickwall in front of her. Twilight smiled in victory… Only for that smile to turn upside down when Cheerilee kicked the wall down.
"I've had it!" Applejack lassos Cheerilee and began pulling on her, Big Macintosh, and Applebloom began to pull on the rope. It was working… Sorta, Cheerilee was still walking towards me.
"My time has come." I said with a sigh, we did all that we could. We tried so hard to get so far, but in the end it didn't even matter.
"Hitty… Together forevor!" Cheerilee opens the door.
'Please be gentle!' I said in my mind as I closed my eyes and prepared for this worst. But the worst never came, Inopened ky eyes and I saw Cheerilee, her eyes no longer hearts. She then began to look around, confused. "Cheerilee?"
"Hit? Whwre am I?" Cheerilee turned around, and looked at the destruction she caused. Big Macintosh put the Crusaders in front of Cheerilee.
"Um, Cheerilee? We… Gave you a love potion so that you and Hit could find love with each other. We're sorry for everything." Sweetiebelle said, looking down at the ground and kicking a rock.
"We're sorry." They all say at the same time, I kind of felt sorry for the three. But it was up to Cheerilee if she wanted to forgive them.
"Well, if you promise to never do it again, EVER, then I forgive you." Cheerilee said with a smile.
"We promise!" They beamed, a small smile threatened to show. Me and her walk out of the shelter and we look at each other.
"So Saturday?" Cheerilee asked me, I nodded.
"Saturday." We both walk away from each other and went our seperate ways. I have no idea what she meant by Saturday but I look forward to that day.
In Antartica
"Ey yo where the fuck is that purple ni-"