Twilight's Fairytale Fiasco

by deadpansnarker


Book 1 Part 2: Self Catering At It's Finest

Now, as you all may know already, Twilight could always be relied on for upholding the law.

Aside from being hardworking, trustworthy and just a gosh-darn-nice pony all around, it’s one of the main reasons she was chosen to be Princess Of Friendship in the first place.

...And the fact she managed to finish off a forbidden spell that everypony thought was impossible to do, but let’s not split hairs here.

The point is: How did she ever find herself in a position where she’d feel ‘stealing’ food was a viable option?

Then again, it’s not every day you wake up in an enchanted forest with a permanently dyed yellow mane, an outfit that makes you look like an overgrown kindergartener and an appetite so ravished you could probably eat a horse and still have room for leftovers...

...Oops. Considering the subject of our cautionary tale, maybe a bad comparison. Let’s just say that Twilight has never indulged in any cannibalistic tendencies and swiftly move on, shall we?

“Hmm. Should I, or shouldn’t I?” Twilight observed the trio of delicious-smelling oaty concoctions in front of her with growing temptation. “On the one hoof, I could always wait for the occupants to return. But then again, who knows how long that’ll be? And in the meantime, my stomach is giving me serious hunger pangs. Would it really be right, to put them through that kind of guilt trip when they come back, when I could’ve solved the problem of my suffering by myself? I’m sure they would’ve fed me anyway, so why bother hanging on? So it’s settled then: I’ll eat as much as I need now, then offer to wash up as recompense for my ‘free’ meal. Or, something. Oh, what the heck. Let me at that porridge!!”

Having completed the formality of talking her way into breakfast, Twilight wasted no more time in finding somewhere to sit down. After all, just because I’m far from home, it doesn’t mean to say I shouldn’t effect some of the etiquette I learned from my newly royal status. Just like I’ve been learning from the latest chapter of the book I’m reading now ‘manners maketh the pony’. I’m not sure what the extra ‘th’ was for there in that sentence, but never mind.

“Hmm. Let’s see: three chairs. That must mean: three residents!” Twilight exclaimed loudly, as if the amount of food bowls there wasn’t clue enough. “I’ll try this chair first… yikes! That’s way too big! I can’t even reach the spoon! Let’s go for the middle one… nope, this won’t do either. It’s much too wide… I don’t even think I can squeeze my hips around the edges! The last one better be an improvement… and it is! In fact, it’s like it was custom-made for me! This is even more comfortable than my throne at the Castle Of Friendship. I wonder if the owner would accept an offer to let me import it back to Equestria… growl.”

Realising that her tummy was protesting at the highly edible substances right in front of her being ignored for more aimless chatter, Twilight abruptly dropped any talk of future furniture deals to concentrate on satisfying her growing need for nourishment. My apologies, stomach. I’ll get on it right away. Now, which dish should I try first? Why, the large one of course! After all, I’ve already probably skipped at least two meals, so I’m going to need the extra helping to carry me through ‘til I’m out of this picturesque madness. I’ll just take a portion from around the edge, and… “Aaaahhh!”

Despite following all the usual guidelines to avoid having a burnt mouth, it wasn’t too long before Twilight was seen frantically gulping out of a nearby bucket of cold water to remove the painful sensation from her tongue.

At least, she hoped it was water. In such a desperate situation, she hadn’t really stopped to check.

“Ow, that smarts.” Twilight rubbed her still scalded tongue with a long wince. “Still, it doesn’t put me off trying again, such is my need to fill my empty belly. I know! Let’s try the middle one! There’s not so much food on that plate, but at least I won’t run the risk of my tongue being burned to a crisp!”

Twilight’s speculation there was based on the fact there was noticeably less steam emitting from the bowl, and she was right in that the porridge contained within was easily more lukewarm than the previous one. There was sadly, another unseen difficulty that no amount of keen powers of observation could’ve spotted.

Ugh!” Twilight spat out the spoonful she’d just deposited in her mouth, rather uncouthly straight back into the bowl whence it came. “Who puts that amount of sugar in their oats?! Are they trying to get diabetes? I have no idea… but one thing I can tell you is, I can’t eat another bite of that oversweet mush. Back to the bucket I go!” 

After thoroughly swilling her mouth with what she sincerely hoped was water (on reflection, it did have rather a musty aftertaste to it) she returned to the table with a growing sense of apprehension. “Let’s see. Big bowl, too boiling. Medium bowl, too saccharine. I guess that leaves the small bowl, in which there’s barely enough porridge to feed a filly. Oh well: let’s see what pleasant ‘surprise’ is in store for me this time. ‘Down the hatch’, as they say.”

Fearing the worst, Twilight closed her eyes and thought of all her friends back home to get through the pending ordeal…

But strangely enough, no horrible sensation greeted her taste buds upon insertion of the item of cutlery.

This was, wonder of wonders, good.

Really good. As in: Pinkie Pie’s Very-Special-First-Anniversary-Of-Them-All-Meeting-Cake good.

Mmmmmmmmm! was Twilight’s only elongated thought, and it wasn’t long before her infatuation for this culinary masterpiece forced her to down her spoon to pour the contents straight down her gullet.

The teensy amounts she could put within the confines of her mouth with that metallic implement were clearly insufficient. Not that this depravity would be something she’d impart to any impressionable youngsters, naturally.

“Wait. I-I think I dropped a bit on the hem of this dress, somewhere. O-or maybe my long hair got dipped in the bowl by mistake…” Twilight said optimistically to herself once the heavenly dish had been sucked dry, as she searched everywhere in vain for stray porridge globules. “No such luck. That’s it, I’m afraid. Sorry belly, I can’t give you what isn’t here. I wonder if the cook would accept a trade-in if they gave me the formula. If they throw in the chair, maybe I can make them a duke, or a duchess maybe…”

Ever since she’d begun wandering around this new world on the first morning she was supposed to be ruling Equestria, Twilight had become more neurotic than ever. The stress and strains of being stranded here without magic and anyone she knew had really taken it out of her, both mentally and physically…

She was about to discover the latter point for herself.

Wow. Why do I feel so tired all of a sudden… Twilight felt herself stretch as far as she could, before letting out a yawn that must’ve exposed her impressive range of plaque-free teeth. Was there something in that porridge that made me drowsy? Or, perhaps all that strolling around the wooded landscape outside has made me feel this exhausted? In any case, I feel fit to drop any second. I hate to take any more liberties from the fine creatures that live here, but I can’t have a nap outside. Not with all the obnoxious ‘sounds of nature’ going on. Let’s see what my new friends have to offer in terms of comfort… I can make the expected apologies later.

Having made her mind up to further break her personal code of conduct by squatting (this was yet another occurrence which would not be making it into her next book) Twilight staggered upstairs to what looked like the bedrooms, and as was becoming familiar now the exhausted alicorn was presented with not one, not two, but three possible options.

I shouldn’t be this fussy, considering how tired I am… but let’s go with the big bed first. Ouch! It’s so hard, it’s like stone! I can’t possibly rest there, I’ll wake up with the most horrible lumbago ever! What about the one in the middle room? Nope, no good. It’s so soft, it feels like I’m sinking in quicksand! I’ll suffocate in that if I’m not careful. Well then. Once more it looks like I’m relying on that old adage: ‘Third time’s the charm’. Here we go.... “Zzzzzz.

If Twilight could’ve said something there, it would’ve been something along the lines of: ‘Incredible! This is amazing. The bed in Canterlot has goose-down feathers inside the plump mattress, and yet doesn’t feel one-hundredth as comfy as this! I’m a simple pony. I don’t require much. But I would crawl through broken glass and lava to have this bed, the chair and the recipe for that porridge. There must be some way I can convince those that live here to hoof them over. Free friendship lessons for life, perhaps…?’

There was no time for any of that though, for as soon as Twilight’s worn-out noggin hit that pillow, she was away with the Breezies.

Night-night Twilight. Sleep tight. 

Hey, that rhymes! Pretty impressive, no?

Well, given our main character is currently snoring up a storm (pretty loudly, might I add: makes it pretty difficult for this author to type) I better wrap things up here.

So nice of you to join me, see you next chapter, sorry this one wasn’t as long as the first instalment, etc...

...But hold on a moment! Who’s coming this way now?! I see one, no two… make that three silhouettes in the distance outside heading in this direction.

Let’s go in a closer look: Their shapes are unmistakably ursine, and they’re quite large in size (compared to a little pony, anyway).

They even have handy dandy name tags attached to their thick fur. And here they are in ascending order of height: Diamond Bear, Spoiled Bear, Filthy Bear.

Watch out Twilight! I think you’re about to discover the meaning of the phrase ‘like a bear with a sore head’ first hoof...