Chariots were a useless invention. Well, back in the old country at least. In modern times, they are useful to the earth ponies and unicorns that are not blessed with flight, however, from where I came from, all pegasi could fly. Those that couldn’t ended up bumped off and fitted for a coffin.
Harsh? Yes, but it was just the time period. Couldn’t fly? You got blipped off shortly by raiders or a monster that liked easy grub. Didn’t matter what you did or how much help you got. Flying meant survival and if you lacked the ability you didn’t last long.
I lost a lot of my closest pals that way; lost a wing instead of a limb, and ended up dead to some trouble boy packing heat. I even lost my main squeeze at the time to something similar. Sky Heart, bless her. She was a few spanners short of a full set, but had a lot of love to give. I didn’t care that she had a bad wing. I found it cute.
I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t wish I was there when she got herself into a jam. Some dumb dora thought they could get rich quick. Chose a dragon as a mark. The target was lousy with bits and Sky Heart agreed to that stupid broad’s scheme because she thought she could buy me out of the military draft.
Like I said, she was a few spanners short. Doing something like that when all she needed to do was stay safe at home. Off the ground. But, she didn’t. She agreed to be the look-out for the grift and was the only one that never came back.
What a damn maroon.
I still miss her.
Anyways, what was I getting at? Right, chariots. Useless. A few years before I ended up joining the Pillars, a bunch of saps started getting into building wooden carts that were meant to be strapped onto two or more pegasi and used to fly through the sky.
Problem was that everypony could already fly. What use was a wood sky box that required other pegasi to pull it when the only passengers available to ride in them would have been other perfectly able flyers? The whole thing was bunk.
I was apparently the only one that thought so.
See what happened is that ponies started making the chariots more and more elaborate as time went on. Plush interiors, gold rims, and even full wooden figureheads on the front. The Janes got wind of it and decided that if stallions were spending so much time on these weird contraptions then they must be worth something right?
They were wrong, but the damage was already done. Now, every gold digging broad in the township decided that chariots, the most useless invention of the old pegasi, were what determined the quality of a stud.
So, suddenly, every grifter, lounge lizard, and goon were building these useless vehicles that nopony needed that were only brought out when some poor sap was making a pass at a mare with some good tail.
We called them struggle buggies. Vehicles only used when some mug was trying to attract a sheba for a night that would be mostly forgettable. For the sheba. The goon that landed her would be bragging about it to his guys for weeks afterward.
Over time, the term moved from the chariot to the pony. A struggle buggy wasn’t a chariot used to pick up mares. No, it now applied to a stallion that only picked up mares. Badly. A struggle buggy had no skills outside of the most basic of charm and some limited sex appeal. Not the most promising traits on a potential squeeze.
Now, the reason I’m telling you all of this is to give context because I happen to know a certain huge pegasus that one might consider appropriate for the word.
It was sunny. Flash Magnus and Flash Sentry - or the Flash Disasters as their units liked to affectionately refer to them as - stood in one of Canterlot castle’s training fields. This one was special in that it was covered in grass and had a single dirt path that cut through the center of the area connecting the solar wing to the lunar half of the castle.
Magnus pulled Sentry in close with a wing. Sentry stiffened in response.
“Alright, struggle buggy,” Magnus said to Sentry.
“What does struggle buggy mean?” Sentry asked.
“Nothing important, kiddo,” Magnus replied, “Now, focus. Your future moll is going to be coming down that path for their morning trot and you wanna not look like a complete mug.”
“Moll? Mug?” Sentry furrowed his brow in confusion. “You haven’t taught me those words yet either. Also, I thought we were both trying to woo Her Majesty. Isn’t that the whole point of this?”
“Sentry.” Magnus turned Sentry toward him and grabbed Sentry’s head in his hooves. “Look at me.”
Sentry’s eyes widened with a happy gleam and a beaming smile. “Yes, sir, Magnus, sir.”
“Wise head,” Magnus grumbled, “Look, our respective mark is comin’ through those doors in less than five minutes and is going to see a bunch of sheiks in armour.” Magnus gestured towards the other guards milling about with his free wing. “So, how do we make her think we’re the bee’s knees and better than the rest of these lounge lizards?”
Sentry blinked. “Bees have knees?”
“Sentry.”
“I need to know!”
“It’s a figure of speech.” Magnus sighed. “You gotta focus, focus, focus!”
“Right, right.” Sentry bobbed his head up and down. “I’m focusing.”
Sentry looked out to the training field with an intense look on his face. Guards of their unit were taking advantage of the sunny weather to relax after completing their drills for the day.
Sentry glanced toward the door to the solar wing of the palace where he knew that Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle was scheduled to arrive from on her daily walk. It happened everyday without fail and as the royal guard they needed to have it memorized.
Literally. Nopony wanted another lecture on proper scheduling from Her Majesty.
“Uh.” Sentry bit his lower lip as he tried desperately to think of something. “We could make honey?”
“Still stuck on the ‘bees knees’, huh?”
“I need to know, Magnus!” Sentry whined.
Magnus massaged his forehead with a hoof. “I don’t even know what I was expecting from a peppy mug like you.” Magnus pulled Sentry closer to him as Sentry’s face flushed red from the contact. “Ritzy shebas like Her Majesty like a stallion that can work, right?”
Sentry nodded tentatively.
“So, we show her we can work.” Magnus smirked. “Get a sweat going. Show off the sex appeal. Give the broad some sugar to get the mind thinking. Come on, Bo. We’re in the training field.” Magnus frowned. “A training field. How do we do that?”
Sentry was feeling some discomfort with how heated his body was getting in close proximity to Magnus.
“Sweating?” Sentry gulped. “Like, sweating together?”
Magnus gave Sentry a flat look. “You make it really hard to not want to bump you off at the first opportunity.”
Sentry grinned. “Oh, wait. I know that one!”
“Of course you do.” Magnus sighed. “Okay, let’s make this duck soup.” Magnus shoved a hoof in Sentry’s mouth before he could speak. “I’ll teach you the term later. We’re going to do wing ups. Show off a real fella’s assets.”
Magnus removed his hoof from Sentry’s mouth. “Sweat?”
“Strong muscles, ya mug,” Magnus deadpanned.
“Oh, yeah, that.” Sentry chuckled nervously.
Magnus rolled his eyes. “Look, just do what I do.”
Magnus trotted closer to the path and then dropped to the ground. He braced himself with his front legs tucked underneath him, his back legs planted firmly on the ground behind him, and his wings splayed flat, but tucked close to his body.
He braced his core, held his breath, and, exhaling as he ascended, lifted himself up with his wings until they reached their full length. He released a grunt at the peak of his push up then lowered himself back to the ground slowly using his wings.
Sentry had stared at Magnus through the entire process with a blank expression on his face and biting his lower lip.
Magnus turned to Sentry from his position on the ground and then flicked his head towards the spot adjacent to him.
Sentry blinked in confusion at what Magnus was trying to tell him. Magnus rolled his eyes and did a small wing up. Sentry finally clued in and raced to the spot Magnus had indicated.
Once in proper position, Sentry copied Magnus’ motions exactly, and, once back on the ground, turned to Magnus for his approval.
Magnus nodded with a grin and began his second rep. Sentry followed closely behind.
After several wing ups, Sentry said, “This is pretty easy.”
Magnus grunted. “Yeah, it is.”
“Shouldn’t we up the difficulty?” Flash pondered for a moment. “So, we don’t look lily?”
“Daisy,” Magnus corrected, “So we don’t look daisy.” He mulled over Sentry’s question. “Yeah, we should. Her Majesty is a ritzy dame. She won’t be impressed by this. Alright, we can’t cheese it, so we’ll have to pull out the big guns.” He whistled for the attention of several soldiers lounging nearby. “Over here, lads.”
The soldiers trotted over to the Flashes. They were six earth pony stallions of roughly equal size. Average height, but stocky. Typical of the royal guard. Once they had arrived, both Sentry and the guards looked expectantly to Magnus, unsure of what he wanted.
Magnus flicked his head back at the guard closest to him. “Hop on, kiddo.”
The soldier stared at Magnus blankly. “What?”
“Get on my back,” Magnus said, “Weights are for grifters. We’re going to show Her Majesty the Real McCoy, which means making it interesting.”
The guard kept his blank expression before he shrugged. “Alright. Not the weirdest request I’ve been given from a superior.”
The stallion trotted behind Magnus. He sized up his approach, decided his best course of action then climbed on top of Magnus with his back legs situated underneath him and his front legs dangling on either side of Magnus’ head.
“Oof,” Magnus said, “Not the lightest load are ya, kiddo?”
The stallion grunted in response.
Magnus braced himself once more and, with significantly more effort, performed five wing ups with the stallion laying on his back. By the fifth, sweat was glistening down Magnus’ body and his breaths had become more laboured.
Magnus dropped to the ground after his final rep. He laughed and turned towards Sentry who had watched him the entire time.
Magnus looked at him expectantly with a wild grin on his face. The stallion on top of him appeared to be having a nap.
Sentry blinked once then turned to the other soldiers still waiting nearby. All of them had looks of trepidation and, weirdly to Sentry, excitement on their faces.
“Could one of you come over here and mount me?” Sentry then mumbled under his breath, “That didn’t sound right.”
The five guards looked at one another. After some shoving and quiet bickering, one guard was pushed towards Sentry. The volun-told stallion stepped forward with a glare towards his compatriots and turned towards Sentry to focus on the rather odd task of climbing onto his back.
Unlike Magnus, the stallion had to exert an amount of effort to get themselves situated onto Sentry’s back due to the height difference. After a short period of struggle, the guard was situated the same as his companion on Magnus’ back.
Said companion released a loud snore.
Once Sentry confirmed the guard was secure, he proceeded to do five reps like Magnus and was left in a similar state on the ground.
“Now what?” Sentry asked.
Magnus gave a manic grin. “We build the tower higher.” He whistled and flicked his head towards his back. “Come on, lads. Let’s keep it going.”
Another disagreement broke out amongst the remaining guards and two were eventually shoved forward. Whilst grumbling, both managed to climb onto their individual guard stacks.
The guard on Magnus’ back yelped when the guard tasked with climbing Magnus flopped on top of him. The guard on Sentry snickered.
“Are you sure this is okay?” Sentry asked nervously.
“Everything’s Jake, Sentry.” Magnus smirked. “Unless of course, you’re just some pretty face?”
Sentry snorted. “Let’s do it.”
Magnus and Sentry did a second set of three. By the third, both Flashes struggled to lift off the ground and only just barely managed to finish. Both laid on the ground sucking in gulps full of air.
The stallion stacks for their part were cheering them through their reps.
Magnus was about to tell the other two to hop on to the stack, but Sentry beat him to it.
“Get on,” Sentry called out.
Magnus grinned.
The last two guards, having got caught up in the excitement, braced themselves in a downward position and leaped onto the stack of ponies. Both Flashes released a grunt as they felt the sudden weight on their backs.
By then, several groups of guards and some castle staff had gathered around them and were placing bets on the likelihood of their success.
Once both Flashes ensured the stallions were secure in their piles, Magnus and Sentry braced themselves and pushed up.
By the halfway point both were wobbling under the strain of lifting three full grown stallions. Their legs were threatening to give out. Veins bulged from their necks.
Finally, agonizingly, through sheer force of will, they managed to reach the apex of their rep.
The crowds cheered alongside the guards piled on top of the Flashes. Both Flashes looked at each other grinned.
Then their legs gave out from under them.
What followed was a jenga tower of toppling stallions.
Their fall, however, was halted by an intense glow of magenta surrounding them. All the fallen guards were carefully placed back on their hooves safely on the ground.
Magnus and Sentry, both panting heavily in exertion, looked up to see Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle press through the crowd and looked down on them with an unamused expression on her face.
“I see that incident from the other day was a pattern and not a one-off event,” She stated imperiously.
“Impressive, eh?” Magnus grinned while fighting back the urge to groan from how sore his body was. “Us two regular studs pushing our limits like that.”
Sentry, for his part, had the decency to avert his eyes from Twilight when she turned to look at him.
Twilight turned back to Magnus and quirked a single eyebrow. “That is a sentence that could be used to describe what just happened. I’ll try to refrain from saying how I would describe it.”
“Like what?” Magnus said, “The most exhilarating thing you’ve ever seen?”
Sentry covered his head with his wings.
“Sure,” Twilight replied dryly, “Let’s go with that.”
Her Majesty then gracefully left the scene and continued her morning trek through Canterlot Castle.
“Looks like we’re hitting on all eight, Sentry.” Magnus lifted a hoof towards Sentry.
Sentry groaned. He peeked through the feathers of his wings, rolled his eyes, and bumped Magnus’ hoof with one of his own.