Luna had certainly done a nice job with the stars that night.
Twilight had begun to trot back to the library after escaping Pinkie Pie and her crazy ideas (‘The world revolving around the sun…that mare is insane!’) and was quite surprised to find that night had fallen. The moon hung overhead and without a cloud in the sky she was able to see all the twinkling stars that shined above her. Luna had really outdone herself and Twilight wondered if the alicorn realized just how many ponies had come to love her sky.
'Nice work, 'mom',' Twilight thought with a snort. She couldn't believe how many ponies thought she was related to Luna...just because they both had dark coat...and their cutie marks dealt with the night sky, and Twilight had never seen any foal pictures of herself in her parents' house...
“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” Twilight turned to find herself joined by Ponyville’s resident madpony, Doctor Whooves (‘Just the Doctor will be fine, thank you’ he had once told them). The brown stallion smiled slightly as he looked up at the sky, marveling at its beauty. “Amazing how it looks so different here than it does back home…or when half of those stars burn out after the Great Universal Civil War...”
Twilight merely smiled, deciding that she didn’t want to try and figure out what he was talking about. The Doctor was always making strange little comments like that and the residents of Ponyville had learned to ignore him. Heck, the only one that seemed to take any notice of his strangeness was Derpy…and that pony was the last one that should be considering others weird.
“So, what are you doing out this late?” The Doctor asked as they passed Quills and Beds (Not to be confused with Beds and Quills or Ray's Original Quills and Beds). “Off on an adventure? Fighting dragons or taking on the Queen of Fear?”
“Queen of what?”
“Oh…nothing,” The Doctor said before muttering “Spoilers.”
Ignoring his strange comments, Twilight turned a corner and began to head home. “Actually, none of the above. Somehow I got suckered into finding out about Scootaloo’s past and I’ve been dealing with crazy theories all day.”
The Doctor nodded, though it was clear from his lack of a smile that he was disappointed in her answer. “I suppose you can’t always have crazy adventures.” He paused, replaying her last statement. “Wait…didn’t we already do this?”
“Huh?”
“You and Scootaloo. Your little dragon friend jumped on your head then I told you about Scootaloo.” At Twilight’s blank stare The Doctor cursed in frustration. “Stupid Tardis! I wanted to go 12 hours into the future and it sent me 12 hours into the past…listen, I will see you in the morning but I won’t remember any of this…oh, and remember to take a step to your left…or was it right?” He left a bemused Twilight standing in the road as he stalked away to go make corrections to his beloved blue box.
Twilight shook her head, a smile gracing her lips. Perhaps what the capricorns of Bridle Bay said was true: Every pony in Equestria was crazy.
Deciding to take a shortcut back to the library, Twilight took a quick left, only to find herself engulfed by a massive crowd of ponies. “What the?” Twilight began to push her way through the throng, ponies muttering all about ‘his return’ and ‘he’s back’ and ‘hope I get picked to go on stage’. Twilight, no knowing or caring what was happening, wanted nothing more to get through the crowd and continue on her journey.
So she wasn’t very happy when her head collided with a stage the moment she popped out of the crowd.
“Who put this-“ Twilight never got to finish, as she suddenly found herself bathed in fireworks and explosions that left her pupils pulsing and her ears ringing. She stumbled back, another unicorn and a pegasus catching her as she tumbled, and Twilight looked up as the fireworks ended, revealing a large, muscle-bound minotaur standing on the stage, a microphone in his hand. The ponies around Twilight began to stomp their hooves, letting out cheers and whistles.
“Finally….Iron Will…has come back…to PONYVILLE!”
“Oh Celestia…” Twilight grumbled, rolling her eyes at the showboating minotaur. Of all the parks in all of Equestria, she had to wander into this one.
“You know what Iron Will sees when he looks out at the fine ponies of Ponyville? He sees ponies that want to take charge of their lives! Ponies that want what they deserve! Iron Will asks what is wrong with that? Everyone deserves to have what they want!” He began to point at the ponies in the crowd. “You with the blonde mane: you deserve what you want! The silver pegasus: you deserve what you want! You,” he said, pointing at Twilight, “the confused, bandaged unicorn that is scowling! You deserve what you want!”
“Well, I want you to stop pointing at me, can I get that?”
“Done and done!” Iron Will reached down and plucked Twilight up onto the stage. “I can tell right away that you are not somepony that lets others push you around. What is your name, fine lady?”
“Uh, it’s-“
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!” Iron Will roared, Twilight’s face pulling back like she was in an accelerator chamber from the sheer force of the cry. “And why is that everypony?” he called out to the audience.
“Because unless you are lame, everyone already knows your name!” the crowd cheered.
Twilight blinked, shaking her head in an attempt to get some of her hearing back. “It’s like being surrounded by 50 Zecoras,” she muttered, slowly backing away from the massive motivational speaker. “Listen, all I did was take a wrong turn…and I just want to get back home and sleep off the headache I’ve gotten from all the craziness I’ve dealt with today-“
“And what craziness is that? Tell Iron Will!” He motioned for his goat assistants to pull out, of all things, a desk and a loveseat. “Because Iron Will isn’t just about assertiveness! When he sees a pony that embodies what Iron Will believes in, Iron Will wants to sit down…" he instantly stopped shouting and instead took on a more conversational tone, "and have a nice chat to learn more about them,” Twilight barely had time to process what was going on before she found herself sitting on the comfy couch, Iron Will taking a seat behind the desk, grabbing a mug of coffee and taking a sip as he checked over some cue cards. Overhead, a sign was lowered that read “Chattin’ with Iron Will”. “Now then…Miss…?”
“Uh…Twilight,” she said, thankful he wasn’t screaming at her.
“Twilight. Can we have a round of applause for Twilight?” The audience let out whoops of delight. “Twilight, you hail from Ponyville, right?” Twilight, utterly confused, could only nod, which caused the ponies in the audience to cheer even louder, one of them crying out ‘I’m from there!’ even though they were all currently in and from Ponyville. “Now, you were saying something about craziness? Why don’t you tell us about it? Do you have a clip?”
"What? A clip? What do you...?" The unicorn looked at him, Iron Will taking another sip of coffee as he waited for her to speak. Realizing he wouldn't let her leave until she spoke, Twilight took a slow, calming breath. “Well…I have been having a rough day-“
“Well, tell us about it! The millions-“
“AND MILLIONS!” the crowd cheered.
“-of Iron Will’s fans want to hear about it.”
Deciding that she better hurry up unless she wanted Iron Will to spout off another catchphrase, Twilight quickly said, “I have been trying to find out about this little filly, Scootaloo, but everyone keeps telling me these crazy stories-”
Iron Will held up a hand, motioning for Twilight to stop. “Then why didn’t you say so in the first place! Iron Will knows all about Boogaloo-“
“Scootaloo.”
“-and he will tell you her tale of assertiveness!”
“…listen, it’s really late, and I know how this is going to go down, so can we just skip this part and-“
~MC~MC~MC~
Scootaloo sighed, watching as the other fillies and colts scampered out the door. They were all giggling as they met their parents who were waiting for them just outside the small building that served as their school. Sometimes she wished she could have somepony waiting for her. It was silly, of course, because there simply was no way her parents would ever set a hoof in Ponyville…not after all the bad that had happened. She lowered her head, noticing that a few of the parents were giving her the evil eye. They knew exactly who she was and didn’t want their children anywhere near her. It hurt her heart but she remembered what her parents had always told her: don’t make a scene, it only leads to trouble.
Scootaloo scowled and leapt onto her scooter, rocketing away from the school and making her way far from Ponyville to her parent’s cottage that sat on the edge of the Everfree. It was a section of Ponyville that few ever came to and that is why her parents had made their home there, to avoid the prying eyes of the ponies that hated and despised them.
“Mom, I’m home!” Scootaloo called out, throwing off her helmet and hurrying into the kitchen, where her mother was making brownies.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is wondering if you had a good time as school, Scootie-Tootie. Also, would you like some milk with your snack?”
“Wait a minute… Trixie is Scootaloo’s mom?!?! Then who the heck is her father?”
“Hey babe, I’m home!”
“Gilda!” Trixie said happily, giving her griffon lover a kiss.
“STOP!”
~MC~MC~MC~
The audience murmured as Twilight pointed a shaking hoof at Iron Will. “No…no no no! I already had this conversation once today! You need a stallion and a mare to make a foal!”
“Right,” Iron Will said calmly.
“…then how could they be Scootaloo’s parents?!?!”
“They adopted.”
Somewhere offstage, Twilight heard a trombone go "waa waa waaaaaa".
“…oh.”
“Iron Will is disappointed that you are such a bigot!”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “I’m not a-“
"Just because a couple is interspecies does not mean they can not provide a loving home! Why, Iron Will's uncle is married to a very nice sphinx!"
“Hate monger!” Someone in the audience yelled.
“You should be ashamed!”
“I like yelling things!”
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry!” Twilight called out, flailing her front legs in a panic. The crowd began to settle down and Twilight slumped in her chair, wishing this day would just end. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything. Sorry.”
“Iron Will accepts your apology! What do we say when someone finally admits they are wrong?”
“ABOUT TIME!” The crowd cheered.
“Not my normal catchphrase, I will admit, but it works.”
Twilight lowered her head, wondering if it was too late to go talk to Mrs. Cake and hear more of her crazy couple theories. At least at Sugarcube Corner there wasn’t an audience cheering slogans (that she knew of). "By the way, how do you know Gilda and Trixie?"
~3 Months Earlier~
"Hi, I'm Iron Will."
"HI IRON WILL!" the gathering of ponies and other creatures called out.
"It has been 3 weeks since I dealt with one of the Elements of Harmony and had to leave Ponyville."
Flim and Flam nodded, patting him on the shoulder while Trixie and Gilda cuddled in the corner and Discord's statue...well, just sat there because it was a statue.
"Sorry I'm late guys!" a great red dragon bellowed, ripping off the roof of the community center so he could participate.
~MC~MC~MC~
"...I am doubting the validity of that story," Twilight said coolly.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Scootaloo, what is the matter?" Gilda asked, looking up from her sunflower seed salad. The loving family (and they were loving, despite what some evil bigoted unicorns would have you believe) had sat down to dinner and Gilda had noticed her little orange sweetie-pie was looking down. "You haven't touched your oats."
"Moms...why can't we do normal things like a real family?" Scootaloo asked. “Why can’t you pick me up from school or go have lunch in town? Why do we have to wear our paper bags of shame when we go get groceries.” Scootaloo pointed to two large bags and a smaller, filly size bag in the corner, all three with eyeholes cut in them.
"Your Great and Powerful Mother has explained this too you before," Trixie said, pulling Scootaloo closer to her so she could give her a hug. "The ponies in Ponyville will never accept us. They simply don't like us and we are ok with that. Trying to change that will only lead to confrontation.” Trixie gently nuzzled the filly. "If you have any hope of living a quiet, unimportant life you have to keep your head down. Do you remember that game we use to play?"'
"You mean 'Doormat'?" Scootaloo said glumly.
Trixie grinned. "That's right! Life is just like that game: you only win if you lay completely still and don't move a muscle when people walk all over you."
"I guess..." Scootaloo said softly, pushing around an oat flake with her hoof, eyes downcast. "I just don't understand why you don't stand up for yourselves and be more assertive."
"We both tried that once and it cost us, babe," Gilda answered. "My best friend couldn't handle my rad attitude and abandoned me, and Trixie was chased out of town by a nerdy bookworm who’s probably never even kissed a boy!"
"Hey! I've...I've kissed plenty of boys...like George...Glass. He’s not made up at all…really."
"We both realized that the only way you can be happy in life is to just roll over and let people treat you horribly. If you try to stand up for yourself it only leads to heartache."
Scootaloo wasn't convinced. "But I recently got this book by a motivational speaker named Iron Will and he says that when done right, you can earn respect from your peers by being assertive."
Trixie tapped her chin, using her magic to pull the book to her from Scootaloo's room. "Well, Trixie will admit that Iron Will is a very handsome minotaur and anyone, including that ex girlfriend of his Whiny Betty, was a fool to break up with him.
Gilda moved her chair over so she could read over the first chapter as well, wrapping an arm around Trixie. "Huh...according to this there is a difference between aggressively forcing your views on others and being assertive." She began to read over the chapter, each well written word (which made Playwrite the Great look like Playwrite the Average) made the tough griffon feel her excitement swell. "Wow, this guy isn't lame at all! He is totally cool!" She rose up, head held up high. "Iron Will and his magnificent words have convinced me: we are going to march into Ponyville and be more assertive! We will earn the respect of the town and they will give us everything we deserve!"
Trixie nodded, hugging her daughter close. "Scootaloo, where did you get this amazing book?"
Scootaloo laughed. "Iron Will's 'From Lame to Fame Game', along with his other writings including 'I am Equestria (And So Can You!)' and 'Hairy Trotter and the Goblet of Assertiveness' can all be found at your local bookstores for the low low price of 19.99-"
"Wait a minute....is this story just a pitch to sell your book?"
~MC~MC~MC~
The audience stopped cheering and Iron Will, who had been flexing his biceps and striking dramatic poses as he told the grand finale of his story, blinked in confusion as he sat down at his desk. "Well...yeah." Twilight's eye began to twitch worse than two grasshoppers bumping uglies. "But why should that matter? Didn't that story show you to never give up and even the smallest of you can change the minds of others and be assertive? Don't you want to be like Doobeloo?"
The crowd roared with applause, tossing their bits onto the stage (and in the case of one overly-excited mare, her bloomers...though why she was wearing bloomers when she hadn't even been wearing pants no pony knew) demanding their copies of Iron Will's books right then and there.
Twilight watched all of this with a burning fury that, with a blast of flames that would have made Spike proud, erupted violently along her body, sending her 3 feet in the air as her voice deepened to a Royal Canterlot Voice.
"ENOUGH! DON'T ANY OF YOU REALIZE THAT HE IS JUST SPOUTING OFF ONE LINERS AND COMMON SENSE IN THE HOPE OF GETTING YOUR BITS?!?! HE DIDN'T EVEN ANSWER MY QUESTION!"
Iron Will tilted his head, considering her words...before flashing a winning smile and gesturing towards the flaming unicorn. "See how assertive she was? You can be like that too when you buy my book!"
Twilight landed with a thud, staring at all the ponies in utter shock as they cheered wildly. The flames turned off, her skin returned to normal and Twilight lowered her head in defeat. "Iron Will?"
"Yes Twilight?"
"Do you...have any tables I can bash my head against?"
"No...but I do have these sheets of plywood!" He gestured to his assistants, who brought out several thick pieces of wood. "We use them as part of our ‘Breakthrough’ sess-"
CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!
"Wow," Iron Will said in shock as Twilight broke each board in rapid succession, before trotting off the stage, grumbling in utter annoyance. "A hand for Twilight, everyone!"
"Yeah!"
"Go Twilight!"
"I still like yelling things!”
Twilight grit her teeth in frustration. "Wish I WAS Nightmare Moon's daughter...I'd summon such a nightfall on all of you..."
Iron Will clapped his hands before returning to his desk, playing with his pencil as his assistants handed out copies of his book to his paying customers. "Coming up next we have Vinyl Scratch with a single from her new album. We'll be right back."
If you would like tickets to the Chattin' with Iron Will Show, send a self addressed stamped envelope to-