How does one usually go about starting something like this? The beginning, I suppose, would be the best place to start.
My name is Celestia del Sol, but everypony simply refers to me as Princess Celestia these days. There was a time when I had to watch over my kingdom and protect it from all manner of unnatural enemies. Now, however, my trusted student has taken up that charge along with her friends. It has given me more time to focus on the other tasks associated with ruling Equestria. At first it was a blessing, I finally got caught up on a three hundred year backlog of political paperwork. Did you know that two hundred and fifty years ago ponies had petitioned to rename Canterlot to Hatsville?
I digress, though. Lately, I’ve been finding myself with more and more free time on my hooves. I’ve already tried every kind of tea available, three times in fact. I toured Equestria, twice (I stopped doing it after they started throwing tea parties for me). I even toyed with the idea of making the sun green for one day each week, but ponies seemed to take it as a sign of the apocalypse. The long and short of it is, I, Princess Celestia, have become bored.
How does a pony deal with boredom? Unfortunately, as a princess, I am rather limited in my options. I spent many days pondering this question, as well as drinking altogether too many cups of tea. In the end I came to a few conclusions. Number one, I am not drinking another cup of tea for as long as I live, coffee is where it’s at anyway. Number two, my new favourite pastime is staring out at the ocean. Number three, I am bored of my new favourite pastime. Number four, I always enjoyed my correspondence with Twilight. Number five, the ponies who insist that I am secretly in love with Discord are CRAZY!
It was around number four that I finally began to formulate a plan. If I enjoy my correspondence with Twilight Sparkle, then surely I would enjoy correspondence from other ponies as well. So, I would find a way to converse with ponies from all over. I, would start an advice column.
Dear Celestia. I know what you’re thinking. Using my real name for the column, won’t ponies figure out it’s me and not want to open up to their princess? That’s the beauty of it, no pony would think that the real Princess Celestia del Sol would be writing an advice column. But, the name helps them think that their princess really cares about their problems. Of course, the real Princess Celestia must be faaaar too busy to consider something like reading all their problems.
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It was many days later that my first ad finally appeared in papers across Equestria. I got the personal liberty of reading it while enjoying my new favourite drink (Apple cider, coffee was obviously not something I enjoyed) and staring out at the water as I rose the sun over it slowly (I had considered making the sun turquoise that day, but Luna assured me that it wouldn’t be nearly as amusing as I thought it would be.).
Dear Readers,
Do you find yourself lost and confused? Are you looking for something, but just don’t know what? Is there a problem that is overshadowing your life? Have you been hurt, troubled, or heartbroken? If so, Dear Celestia can help. Your lives are important and helping them is important to me. It might be something you just need to get off your chest, or it could be something that benefits from my knowledge and experiences. All letters are 100% confidential and only the name you sign it with will be published.
It was strange. The column had my name on it, but I had actually used a pseudonym when pitching the idea to the papers. To the editors, Dear Celestia, was actually an earth pony named Ink Quill. Princess Celestia pretending to be Ink Quill pretending to be Princess Celestia. This could only have been more complicated if I was actually Queen Chrysalis. But, you know, I’m definitely not her.
But, I digress. I am not entirely sure what I expected when I started this little foray into journalism. Perhaps boredom wasn’t my only motivation at the time, but I was truly giddy at the thought of what might be coming. A few days passed and nothing happened. Well, not nothing. I had the lake I like to sit at modified with a watermelon catapult (on a clear day I can actually hit Luna. She still thinks the weather pegasi have been trying to invent fruit rain!) and I discovered my new new favourite drink (Vodka, of course. Princess’ should always drink vodka.), but none of those things had anything to do with Dear Celestia.
It wasn’t until my fourth day that the letters began to flood in. Literally, they flooded in. Okay, I may have used a multiplication spell to allow the five letters to become a landslide. I was excited, and I’m sure the groundskeeper won’t stay mad about it forever. I should give him a week off, everypony likes a week on the moon.
And, thus, my little foray into journalism has begun:
Dear Celestia,
Lately I’ve found myself off. I don’t know what to say about it, but I’ve been having trouble concentrating. Every spare moment seems to be occupied thinking about this mare I can’t get out of my mind. This morning I tried to make coffee with the blender, just because I was distracted. Normally, I wouldn’t let this sort of thing get me down, but I know that she isn’t even aware I exist.
Okay, it isn’t that. It’s, well, she’s into mares. I mean, she’s so beautiful and a great harp player. It’s stupid, I know I don’t have a chance with her, but I still can’t stop myself. She’s just so amazing and great and...and...teal.
Okay, I think I went off topic there. What I meant to say is, what should I do?
Signed,
Hopeless in Manehatten
Dear Hopeless,
Sometimes love isn’t a fair force to deal with. I know it must be difficult to go through these things and I truly feel sorry for you. The first thing you should do is give up coffee. Seriously, that stuff is disgusting. After that, you really should confront your teal mare. I realize that she won’t ever be attracted to you, but being honest and getting it off your chest will do wonders for you. You won’t be able to move on until you have admitted it, you might even find yourself able to make friends with her.
Love is never easy,
Celestia
I really do hope he finds a way to get over it. I’m sure Lyra would like that as well. Oh my, did I spoil some kind of surprise?
Dear Princess Celestia,
These last couple of weeks have been quite enlightening. I certainly took your advice to heart, and we have been spending more and more time together. Just last night I finally took the last piece. You were totally right, the whips were amazing and the feeling...
Oh my, how did that letter get mixed up in my Dear Celestia mail! Pretend you never heard that. Better yet, pretend talking about it will get you banished to the moon. It never happened, got it? Oh, if she ever found out that I almost read...No, of course that wasn’t from Twilight. Where did you ever get an idea like that? Silly readers.
Dear Celestia,
I’M ON A BOAT!
Signed,
Boat
Dear Boat,
YOUR BOAT IS ON THE MOON!
Enjoy,
Celestia
I actually did put his boat on the moon. I returned it a few minutes later, but I would have loved to see his face in person. Probably almost as priceless as that one pegasus who tried to treat Philomena. Fluttershy, I think her name was.
I’ve truly been enjoying this little experiment, and I really can’t wait for more letters.