//------------------------------// // Anon Once More Engages in Advanced Diplomatic Tactics: Part Three // Story: Anon Buys the Everfree Forest // by nameundetermined //------------------------------// You are Aufpasser Anonymous, and it seems like you are going to have a long evening ahead of you. You have successfully navigated the initial portion of your first official diplomatic encounter, the greeting. Welcoming the princesses to your newly founded land went smoothly enough. You even got to tease them a bit, which is of course always a bonus. You and Gallus are currently in the process of walking them towards the front gates of your castle. The lot of you heading through the village, garnering a mix of a few mildly curious, somewhat disdainful, and disinterested looks from your settlers. Celestia tries her best to muster a sincere smile and waves at your subjects, looking back to you and speaking quietly enough so they would hopefully not hear. “Anonymous, are your subjects always so...cool in demeanor?” You shake your head, waving her statement away with one hand. “I wouldn’t call them subjects persay. I prefer to think of them as...cohabitants, ya know? We just help each other out and we all get something out of it. But nah, they aren't always like this. Sometimes they get pissed off and that’s a pretty different set of attitudes.” You half-joke, getting a slight eyebrow raise of concern out of the princess before you continue. “But nah, don’t sweat it. Griffin culture is pretty different from pony culture. They are just curious is all. Just be thankful you have a guide, or they might have pressed you for bits to get directions to the castle.” “And why, prithee, did you decide that these...folk, would be an appropriate choice to settle these lands, Anonymous? Surely, you are aware of Our...contentious history with the griffin Empire.?” Luna said coolly. Yeah, she was definitely mad butthurt about this, which was the point, so hey, good shit. You shrug and nod. “Yeah, I know. But They are pretty close by, so it was easier to establish diplomatic ties with them than, say, the minotaurs. I was actually considering several other candidates, but they would have required a more concerted effort.” You still needed to see about making a trip out to visit the Diamond Dog burrows outside of Ponyville, speaking of. “Plus, the griffins based as fuck, and I personally really enjoy their company. We all just sort of...get it, ya know?” As you drop the B-word again, Luna gives a small grimace and shakes her head. “No, We do not know, thankfully. As much as it pains us to see Our old home swarming with griffins, things around her certainly look like they are running smoothly, We must give you that…” “Indeed, I am quite surprised you have gotten things together so quickly,” Celestia remarked as the bunch of you continued to slowly progress towards the castle, which now loomed on the horizon, still a good ten minutes or so off. “I would have thought that development would surely have been delayed by some of the forest’s more...problematic elements.” “Well, yeah, what do you think the wall is for?” You say with a small cackle as you gesture back towards the gate. “ But yeah, I guess the entire place reeking of hungry predators probably makes most of the beasties out here think twice about poking their heads in. These guys can get absolutely fuckin nasty when they need to. “ You say as you gesture to Gallus, who has been sauntering beside you quietly the entire time, seeming content to hold his peace for now. “I am sure they can…” Luna says softly under her breath, her eyes diverting towards and away as her ears press to the top of her head in mild displeasure. Twilight interjects next. “Well, I for one find it quite inspiring the way you have such an accepting view of the griffin cultural values. Though I suppose that they seem pretty similar to what was considered normal and acceptable in your own homeland, from what your books have to say about it.” “Hah! Twiggles, you have no idea, being around these guys is almost as good as being back home again sometimes.” You say, giving Gallus a pat on the back. He grumbles softly at the touch but does not seem terribly put off by it, giving a small smirk when he thinks you are not looking. You totally saw it though, but you’ll be a bro this time and not rag on him for it. He actually decides to pipe up at this point. “Yeah, well, I guess we don't think you are all that bad yourself, for a...whatever the hell you’re supposed to be. I mean it beats moping around all day in Griffonstone by a longshot,” he says with a slight roll of his eyes as his tail gives a little flick. “Damn right it does, that place is a fucking trainwreck.” You say in that blunt way you are so well known for, nodding and acknowledging his input. As you continue to walk down what would equate to a main street towards the castle, a small griffin chick tugs at his mother, pointing at us “Look, mom! The Aufpasser is with those mares from the statue!” Celestia’s pupils contract slightly at this comment, while Luna and twilight both look fairly taken aback at this. Sunbutt is the first to recover enough to ask. “Anonymous, what statue might they be referring to?” “Oh! They are probably referring to the one I had commissioned to commemorate the founding of the Ever free Federation. It’ll be in front of the castle, you should be able to see it soon.” You say with a handwave, giving that all too familiar shit-eating grin that the princesses were quickly learning to dread. And true to your word the statue soon came into view, and what a marvelous view it was! Hewn from solid rock was a statue of you and Luna standing opposite one another, with Luna holding out a hoof with a deeply ashamed look on her face as you hold out a hand outstretched and open-palmed towards her, a powerful confident look on your face. Celestia in the depiction for her part seems quite disappointed, but not surprised. Twilight, Cadence, and Shining are also there, but smaller and much more crudely sculpted, as if they were tacked on as an afterthought. Which they were. “Prithee, Aufpasser, why the BUCK is this...something which exists?” Luna asks through grated teeth as she gets closer to the statue to inspect it. “Oh! I just thought that it would be appropriate to give you the credit you deserved as a vital participant in our founding! I mean, I am sure there would have been a more lengthy and boring legal shitshow if not for that challenge stunt you pulled. We really owe you a lot for your help.” You say in a way that absolutely drips with your amusement as you look over the statue. “I would even go so far as to say you could be considered a national hero around these parts, neat huh?” You can see how difficult it is for Luna to maintain a facade of courtesy at this point, and damn is she really giving it her best shot. You can hear her teeth grind softly between her words as she stares at you with bloody murder thinly veiled in her expression. “Why yes, that is...lovely, Aufpasser, We are flattered that you and your people consider Us to be of such historical significance…” Gallus is chuckling softly at this, doing a poor job of hiding it if he’s even trying to at all. Celestia can sense the danger at hoof and clears her throat, gently pushing her sister away from the statue, a shallow divot left in the road where her hooves push the soil aside as she is moved away from the source of her rage. “Well, that is all wonderful, but if I recall we do have official diplomatic business to attend to. Anonymous, would you be so kind as to finish escorting us to the castle proper?” You only grin wider, sending a small shiver down her spine as you give a nod. “Oh, of course, Celestia. Please, right this way…” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You now find yourself sat comfortably in the castle's communal dining area. This is where you and the rest of the castle staff will generally find yourselves having your meals together. Though that will not be for another hour or two, so for now, the place is cleared out, perfect for a calm, candid discussion between peers. Gustav has outdone himself and has provided you and your guests with a wonderful recipe he dubbed “Everfree Gateaux”. You weren't quite sure what all was in it, but it was fruity, heavy, and creamy and you found yourself quite partial to it. Celestia also seemed quite partial to it, judging by the three empty plates beside her spot at the table. She wiped her mouth daintily with a napkin and spoke. “My compliments to the chef, Anonymous, please do let Gustav know that his work is even better than when I last sampled it at the national Dessert Contest.” “Oh, I am sure he will be delighted to hear that.” You say cordially as you wash down the last bite of your first plate with a glass of milk. Luna, who has taken a few (dozen) begrudging bites of her own serving, interjects as well. “While We do find the confections to be acceptable, We would prefer to finish this business as quickly as possible. We will need to move the heavenly bodies for the evening soon, and We would prefer to do so in the comfort of Our own abode. Twilight Sparkle, if you would be so kind?” Twilight, who had been in the midst of a second plate, spoon in her mouth, allowed her eyes to snap open as she gave a small muffled noise, quickly pulling the spoon from her mouth and placing it beside the dish as she hurriedly called over one of their guards with a saddlebag. She dug through it until she pulled out a scroll, unfurling it and clearing her throat to read. “Ahem...the formal requests made by the Equestrian Crown to the Aufpasser of the Federation of the Ever Free are as follows: We request access to the mystical landmark known as the tree of Harmony, both on the grounds of substantial cultural significance and required access being pivotal to the function of the Elements of Harmony. We request continued access to the portal leading to Tartarus, as access is vital to ensure the continued proper humane care and supervision of the prisoners within who are the responsibility of the Crown. We request the relinquishment to the Equestrian Crown, any Equestrian artifacts which may remain in the possession of Aufpasser Anonymous and his officials. We request permission to establish an official Equestrian Embassy within the borders of the Federation of the Everfree, preferably within proximity to the Nameless Castle, so that we may offer our aid and friendship to any within your country who may seek it. As she rolls up the scroll and puts it away, the other two princesses give her an approving nod, with Celestia now addressing you once more. “I think that everything we have asked of you is quite reasonable, Anonymous.” You nod and shrug, slowly pulling a somewhat tattered piece of paper from your pocket, uncrumpling it and handing it to Gallus, who gives you a small judgemental look before smoothing it out as you speak. “I hope you do not mind, but I also came up with a few requests that I would like to present you with.” You say as you signal to Gallus to read them aloud with a wave of your hand, who clicks his tongue softly but complies. “We the people of the Federation of the Ever Free make the following requests of the Equestrian Crown. We request unfettered and open trade and travel between the Federation of the Ever Free and the Kingdom of Equestria, effective immediately. We request formal recognition of our sovereignty by Princess Luna, via Roya Decree in the city of Canterlot. We request...huh…?” You smile softly and wave your hand at him. “Hey now, go ahead, I know what I wrote.” Gallus nods slowly, continuing. “3. We request the return of the magical artifact known as the Crown of Grover, which was wrongfully kept as a trophy of the Wars of Blood and Soil, to the People of the Griffin Empire. 4. We request permission to establish an embassy on equestrian soil, preferably within proximity to Canterlot, with a second built within the confines of Ponyville, to facilitate trade with local businesses. 5. We request the formal backing of the Equestrian Crown in our attempt to become an acting member of the I.S.B.A. Coalition, the acting international regulatory body of Eqqus. 6. We request….’Big Booty Bitches’ ...okay but why” Gallus says as he crumples the paper back into a ball and throws it at you as you cackle like a madman. Celestia gives a long-suffering sigh and slowly nods. I...suppose some of these demands are reasonable enough considering the circumstances. But I am afraid Request number 3 is out of the question.” “And We will certainly not subject Ourselves to Number 2. You can expel that notion from your mind forthwith.” Luna spits somewhat harshly at you as she eyes you down. Poor Twilight is just sort of lost at this point, and is quietly eating her dessert while she lets the grown-ups talk. You smile wider as they respond, eyes gleaming wickedly. “Ah, I had a feeling you might say that, which is why I have prepared this…” You say as you snap your fingers, a member of the castle staff padding in quickly to hand you a very old looking book before you hand them a bit and they scurry back out. Both Celestia and Luna’s eyes widen as they see what you have in your hand and you chuckle. “Ah, I see you already know what this is, but I shall elaborate in case Twilight is unaware. This is one of the artifacts that they were requesting from us. One of several dozen volumes of their personal diaries, dating back to their youngest years.” You say as you slowly open to a random page. “If my demands are not met in full, I will publish these volumes and distribute them internationally.” “YOU FIEND, YOU VILE CAD, YOU VILLAIN!” Luna exclaims as she tries to leap at you. She is restrained by both Celestia and Twilight, though Celestia seems to be doing so only begrudgingly, her expression belying that her feelings on the matter are quite similar to those of her sisters. Eventually, they manage to restrain Luna with the help of the Guards and a few of your Rangers, who heard the ruckus and came to your aid. She sits seething, wearing a straight jacket, a horn binder, and a muzzle that you certainly do not remember having handy within the castle. They must have brought it with them, which is admittedly slightly concerning. Celestia clears her throat, face flushed from exertion as well as from being fairly flustered, which is evident in her tone. “Now Anonymous, this is a bit much. Surely you realize how intimate of a medium a mares diary of her private musings is. I am sure there is no need to resort to-” You clear your throat, opening to a random page once more as you begin to read, cutting her off. “Dear Diary. Today I saw that one fairly handsome guard in the garden today. I still have not managed to catch his name, but I am determined to at least catch his attention. I flagged my tail at him again today, but he did not seem to-” Twilight is currently covering her ear with her hooves and repeatedly going “LALALALALALALALALALA I CANNOT HEAR I AM DEAF” while Luna quakes in her restraints, the fabric groaning under the stress as she glares death at you. Celestia is starting to look a bit more uncomposed “A-Anon, that is enough, please-” “Dear Diary, Today Luna made fun of me again for having fat flanks. But I think she and her tiny butt are just jealous that the ponies all like the sun better than the moon, maybe one day she will be able to have nice full flanks like-” “Anonymous PLEASE! Have some decency! I-I’ll consider your-” “DEAR DIARY, TODAY I FINALLY GOT THAT GUARD TO GIVE ME SOME OF THAT SWEET D-” “ANONYMOUS PLEASE! I-I CONCEDE TO YOUR DEMANDS!” Celestia says, dropping to her knees before you, tears in her eyes as Gallus rolls on the floor laughing like a madman. “I- I shall do as you ask of us, please just have mercy, no more!” Celestia says, her mane frazzled as she sniffles and wipes at her eyes You smirk down at her, closing the book with a triumphant chuckle. “I know you will Celly. Now, let’s get this agreement drafted up, shall we? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are Aufpasser Anonymous, and Today is a good day to be you. You have managed to get the princesses to unanimously agree to your demands. Even Luna was willing to agree, once she was released and after challenging you once again, was crushed in a thumb wrestling match. You were kind enough to agree to keep it between the lot of you, however. You certainly made no promises on Gallus’ behalf though. Once it was all over and done with, the Princess beat a hasty exit from the premises, wasting no time in returning to their homes to lick their wounds, leaving you with a document securing your desires in hand, and quite a hilarious memory to look back on. When they had gone, Gallus turned to you, an eyebrow raised “Geez, man, that was absolutely brutal. I didn’t know you had that in you.” he said, gently punching your shoulder. You shrug and smile down at him, giving a satisfied look. “Well, what can I say, something about those mares just makes me want to fuck with them. And hey, after all the shit I have had to put up with in Ponyville, I consider it fair play.” Gallus seems to take this as reasonable, and you dismiss him for the evening so you can be alone. You go back to your chambers and place the valuable volume on your personal bookshelf, alongside all of the others, content with your victory as you grab your fishing pole and, for the first time in months, set out to the river. The sun should be setting soon, it’ll be the perfect atmosphere for a bit of relaxation by the riverside.