//------------------------------// // 5. American Pastime // Story: Rockets and Friendship // by Spooples //------------------------------// Vous êtes l’espion Et cette semaine passée— Oh, right. You’re Spy. And this past week, you thought you had seen it all. Disappearances. Kill squads. Sleepless days making sure Jeremy was safe. And that was just Earth. Turns out, there was a whole other world of things to see. Exhibit A: Your limbs are tied up in the same fashion of a calf in an American rodeo as you lay on the cold and sharp stone floor. Two bizarrely proportioned thestrals are having a heated argument in front of you as they pace angrily, wings flaring and hackles raised. There is another, smaller one in the corner, her front right hoof wrapped in a field splint. Furtive Wind, was it? …Now, you might not know much about pony anatomy in this world, but one thing you’ve heard much about is something called a “Y-7 gland.” The psychothaumaturgical connection in a pony’s mind which allows them to control if and when their genitalia are visible. You are forever grateful that that exists. Because whenever Furtive Wind thinks you’re not looking, her entire head swoops in your direction as she stares at your exposed backside. If there’s one type of woman you’re uninterested in, it’s the type that makes it too easy. …and the talking bat-horse type as well. ”You’re insane, Midnight!” one of the thestrals – Quickthistle – shouts at the other. ”I’m the only sane one here, you cock-crazed pup,” Midnight growls, still pacing back and forth while stealing glances at the hole in the ceiling. ”Right, which is why I had to hold you back while those two flew up to the Elements.” ”Two thestrals won’t make a difference. I need to get up there. We all need to—” ”YOUR LEG IS BROKEN! YOUR WING IS SPRAINED! Neither Moonlight nor I can fly, Furtive Wind has a broken hoof, and Serendipity is Luna-knows-where!” “I left her unconscious body at the cave entrance,” you interject. ”SHUT UP!” Quickthistle screams. She pounces at you, landing mere inches away as she hisses in your face. You try not to react, but as if it’s in your body’s nature, you can feel your pupils shrink slightly. At Midnight’s quiet scoff, Quickthistle whips back around. ”Oh, shut up!" she snaps. "Cerus and Sillow are the only two with more than a Daydwellers’ chance on the Moon to help the Elements, and you know it!” ”Injured or not,” Midnight growls, “Failure is not an option. If Luna won’t allow it, neither will I.” ”Holy Moon above, are you seriously still stuck on that personal guard pipe dream?” You’re surprised to see it possible, but Midnight’s glare deepens. “Do ambitious mares intimidate you, Quickthistle?” ”What the buck are you saying?!” ”I know it might seem improbable to you at first, but if you really try, I’m sure you can wrap your thick head around it when I say: a mare can aspire for something that isn’t a stallion .” ”Ohhh, you pretentious CUNT! Of COURSE you’d make this about stallions, you failed alpha!” Midnight’s pupils contract to thin slits as she stares at her subordinate. ”This has nothing to do with Cloud Skipper.” There’s a pregnant pause before the grotto is filled with Quickthistle’s sardonic laughter. You can’t help but tilt your head. Christ, this pony body is too expressive for its own good. “…You know what?” Quickthistle sneers in a way that makes your face want to cringe as she approaches Midnight. “I think I finally get it. After all this time, I think I finally get it. I think it does have to do with Cloud Skipper. I think you just might be the most colt-crazed out of all of us! I can’t believe it took another stallion of yours to get hurt for me to realize it, but--!” It isn’t the blinding swipe from Midnight that makes your blood churn, but the ear-piercing yowl of pain from Quickthistle as her broken wing is swatted. Like a struck puppy, she quickly scurries away from her captain as she shields her wing. ”CAPTAIN!” Moonlight yelps as she is immediately between the two thestrals, Furtive Wind right beside her. To her credit, Midnight Blossom has the face you’ve had the most trouble reading since you’ve gotten here. Ponies are hopelessly expressive. Thestrals less-so, and Midnight is probably the best of them. Still, you don’t need a decade’s experience of studying facial expressions to see that she immediately regretted that. All Midnight can do is merely stare between Quickthistle and her two subordinates before she finally speaks. ”…I didn’t care about him,” Midnight says to herself, so weak your ears strain to hear her. “…I don’t…” You recognize the tone in her voice. The others might not, but it’s a tone you’ve started to notice your team speaking in rather often after Soldier’s disappearance. It’s a tone in which you’ve noticed yourself speaking. “I may have a plan, if you’ll hear me out,” you cut through the silence. Immediately, Quickthistle answers with a swift, “Shut him up.” Most of the mares’ eyes are on you now, ranging from bitter distrust to cautious curiosity. Midnight Blossom remains slouched over, turned away from her team. “I didn’t realize you were the ones giving orders here, specialist Quickthistle,” you say, earning a glare from the thestral. ”He’s just trying to smoothtalk his way out,” Quickthistle hisses. “Don’t fall for his colty whimsy.” “If I was trying to smoothtalk my way out, I wouldn’t be talking to all of you at once. I’d be talking to Furtive Wind, who hasn’t stopped sneaking peaks at my backside since this conversation started.” Squeak! “And colty whimsy?" you can't help but chuckle. "I’m willing to put down three thousand dollars that I’m the most levelheaded one in this cave.” ”Oh, yeah," Quickthistle says with a sneer, "Working for Merasmus is a such a levelheaded move.” “I am not working for that wizard, chauve-souris,” you spit, the thought making your skin crawl. “He and I had an agreement. An agreement which expired the moment he hurt Soldier.” The glint of two pale yellow orbs turning your way tells you now have Midnight Blossom’s attention. "I can’t believe we’re even listening to this guy!” Furtive Wind exclaims to her cohorts. “He’s not on our side! He’s just--… a good liar is all! He’s still working for that wizard, I know it! He grounded Moonlight, for Moon’s sake!” You're quick to intercept with, "While disguised as her, I studied her body's wings. I was careful to not sever any obvious tendons or important-looking veins. I'm sure she'll heal in time, or even quicker, with some of that handy magic you ponies seem have in excess." "Thestrals don't have nearly as much access to magic, redback.” Well, that word didn’t sound nice. ”And how could you have been careful while you were thrashing and flailing around like a scared pup?" Quickthistle sneers. "A mere performance,” you sigh. “I know how to handle a knife, chérie." "Cherry? What, was that flattery? You're not my type, colt." "It’s a common nickname, you ugly horse. Don't let it get to your head.” Quickthistle gives you a look as if you’d just insulted her entire reason for living. ”If you’re not working for Merasmus, then what are your true intentions?” You turn your head to see that Midnight is approaching you. Quickthistle sees her at the same time you do, flinching and taking a big step away from her captain. “Now?” you say as Midnight’s hooves stop right in front of your face. “Now I only wish to return home. I’ve failed my original mission.” A gray hoof reaches out and grabs you on the shoulder (you’ve stopped wondering about the logistics of that days ago), lifting you up into a sitting position. You grunt as you’re settled on your haunches, Midnight’s pale yellow eyes now dangerously close to your own. ”What do you mean you’ve ‘failed?’” she mutters. You look at Midnight Blossom in the eyes, and without a hint of dishonesty, reply, "I was here to bring Soldier back home. Working with Merasmus was… an inextricable situation. And, like every time Soldier is involved, things went downhill quickly." "You knew Soldier personally?" You take a deep breath. This is going to take a while. But before you can even decide where to begin, each of the thestrals’ ears swivel towards the hole in the ceiling. Your weaker ears pick up on the sound echoing down the hole later than theirs do: a pair of wings fluttering down the hole to your positions. Almost comically, Cerus Thorn’s upside-down head peaks out from the hole, her braided mane hanging like a second tail. The fanged grin on her face almost lights up the entire grotto. ”Captain!” she chirps. Midnight’s eyes don’t leave your own, although a flick of her ear shows her acknowledgement. “You won’t believe what’s going on up there!” As Cerus Thorn spends the next five minutes explaining, thinking her explanation wasn’t doing it justice, and re-explaining the events that transpired above, slowly, each of the thestrals’ faces mirror Cerus’. All except Midnight Blossom are now smiling giddily at the news, and the grotto almost vibrates with their newfound determination. Although you hide it better than they do, you can’t fight the rising warmth in your own chest. “Captain Midnight Blossom,” you speak up. “If you’ll hear me out, I definitely have a plan.” Midnight Blossom nods, and as you explain, you can almost feel the atmosphere in the grotto change. Even if they don’t say it, you can see it in their eyes; slowly, you win each of the thestrals over. Furtive Wind is the first, then Moonlight, and finally, begrudgingly, Quickthistle recognizes your genius. As you finish your explanation though, Midnight Blossom’s expression still hasn’t changed. Her eyes quickly scan over your face one last time – a habit you recognize as her studying you for trustworthiness – before she finally speaks. "...Alright,” she whispers with a nod. Midnight then nods to Moonlight Ambrosia, who approaches and hands her your butterfly knife. Midnight Blossom leans over you as she begins to cut your bonds. “But first, let’s make one thing clear. The moment we get the chance, you are trotting up to the Element of Honesty and you will explain everything to me. Soldier, Merasmus, yourself… everything. If she says you're lying, I don't care if you're a colt, you will pay. Until then, you're not leaving my sight." You can’t hide the faint lilt of disappointment in your voice as Midnight stashes your knife in her wingpit. “Understood.” A few minutes earlier… you’rerainbowdasdgh;dkjsgskadjfgh Zzap! No time for introductions No breath for introductions Holy Celestia Pinkie needs to lose weight Without missing a beat, a high pitched voice laughs out, ”hahahahaha! i-i-it’s not f-fat! snrksnrksnrk, it’s muscle you twink! ahahahahaha!” With how hard she’s laughing right now she’s gonna come out of this with some wicked abs Wait. Pinkie just read your mind Whatever You can’t breathe Your thoughts are jumbled Your not putting periods at the end of your sentences You used the wrong your Twilight, in case you can read minds as well, don’t kill me please All you can do is hack and wheeze as you slowly drag an incapacitated Pinkie Pie through the air, saving your energy for the occasional burst of speed needed to dodge a fireball from Merasmus. ”uhhh, pass me something about ambientium spells, AJ!” Twilight’s squeaky voice calls out, sending Pinkie into another fit of giggles. ”t-there’s nothing left!” a chipmunk—no wait, that’s Applejack-- yells back. Sure enough, all the bookshelves of the cavern are empty, their contents in several messy piles around the cavern. You know Twilight would’ve preferred to keep all the books in a neat pile, but after your team’s only source of actual damage was reduced to a snorting, laughing mass of pink, Twilight had to make do with dropping the books wherever she could to avoid Merasmus’ magic. ”that can’t be right!" Twilight squeaks out. "come on, there has to be something else! i’m so—woah!” ZAP! Another green bolt of lightning striking Twilight’s previous spot. Another white flash of light as she reappears across the room. ~~/SO CLOSE!/~~ Twilight staggers as she drops to her haunches, panting hard. You can’t say you’re doing any better. Speaking of… Hey, brain? Yes, wings? We’re done. …Huh? We are done-zo. W-wait! You gals can’t be done-zo! Yyyyyeah, we’re thinking we’re done-zo. NO! YOU CAN’T GIVE UP NOW! PINKIE’S COUNTING ON YOU! THEY’RE ALL COUNTING ON YOU! WE’RE THE ELEMENT OF LOYALTY FOR PETE’S SAKE! WHAT ABOUT ALL THAT SPEED TRAINING YOU’VE BEEN DOING, HUH?! DOESN’T THAT COUNT FOR SOMETHING?! lol should’ve done endurance training, low-e dyel tuftlet, ngmi, don’t hit your head too hard THUNK! You let out a cross between a groan of pain from the impact of the stone ground and a moan of ecstasy from the feeling returning to your wings. Your mind screams to grab Pinkie and continue flying, but your body is in too much of a haze to cooperate. An ugly, cruel laughter fills the cave, but you barely register it. Somewhere far from here, you can hear the rest of your friends screaming for you. Your vision fills with a green light. “S-sorry… Panko,” you gurgle out, holding your friend close— YEE-OUCH! ALRIGHT, SO YOU KNOW THAT CLICHÉ WHERE THE HERO’S ABOUT TO DIE BEFORE SOMEPONY SWOOPS IN AND CARRIES THEM OFF TO SAFETY?! DID’JA KNOW THAT THE WHIPLASH OF THAT HURTS LIKE A DRY DICK UP THE ASS?! ’CUZ IT DOES! “OW! YOU BUCKING CU—” you start at the black hooves wrapped around your barrel, before the urge to vomit pushes up from your throat. You’re too busy trying not to upchuck to lay into her as the bat pony sets you down next to Twilight. ”Twilight Sparkle,” you hear her say to your friend as you shiver on the ground. “I’m vice-captain Silhouette, and this is fangbearer Cerus Thor—oh my Luna, your head is tiny.” As the second bat pony is introduced, a hyperventilating mass of pink party pony is set down next to you. ”yes, i know!" Twilight begins to panic. "it makes no sense! organic-space manipulation spells work by condensing the ambient magic particles—” And, that’s the point when you tuned out. To be fair, most of the other ponies tuned out at that time as well as another green fireball is sent your way. After a nauseating haze of more secondhoof whiplash, blinding white teleportation lights, and the green shock of Merasmus’ spell making your vision swim, you’re in a new location. It’s a miracle last night’s dinner is staying put. ”Twilight Sparkle,” Silhouette continues as if the world around her wasn’t swimming. “The, uh… big, bad wizard?” ”r-right!” Twilight squeaks as she stares at the chaos in front of her. “i-i can handle this! --the elements can handle this, i mean! but—oh, celestia, what are we supposed to do?!” Using probably the last of your strength for the evening, you wobblily get to your hooves, rear your hoof back, and give Twilight Sparkle the hardest spank she’s probably ever received in her entire life. “OH, FOR THE LOVE OF FAUST, HE’S A BUCKING VILLAIN!" you scream with all the might and bravado of a roaring chinchilla, "ALL OF YOU, JUST BEAT THE FEATHERS OUT OF HIM ALREADY!!!” Twilight lets out an adorable “Eep!” (double the adorableness, giving the raised pitch), and her horn immediately charges with powerful offensive magic. Before Merasmus can even react, a blast of raw, pitch-white magic streaks out from Twilight’s horn and slams into him. Merasmus is, once again, sent flying into the stony wall of the cavern. At his magical grip’s loosening, you feel the bizarre lengthening and widening of your head returning to its original size. ~~/OW! OHH, THAT... ACTUALLY REALLY HURT!/~~ "I'm so sorry!” Twilight squeaks as, with another white flash of light, she’s near the foot of the second Merasmus-shaped crater in the cavern walls. “I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm just trying to stop your evil machinations!" ~~/HUZZAH!/~~ ZAP! ”YEE-OUCH!” Twilight yelps as she’s sent airborne from the direct hit of the green fireball. With a painful tumble across the stone floor, your smoking friend’s body slips and falls into the hole. ”Guano!” Cerus shouts as she’s immediately in pursuit, disappearing down the hole in less than a second. For an agonizingly long moment, as he dislodges himself from the stone wall, Merasmus looks just as unbelieving as you are. But then, he starts smiling. An evil, conniving, manipulative smile. A smile that only a stallion could execute so flawlessly. ”Take this, ya darn sideshow freak!” AJ yells out from somewhere out of your vision. “W-wait!” you call out, but it’s too late. Applejack is already speeding towards Merasmus, and with a mighty leap and a twist in midair, she lands a solid buck to his cheek. You’d be impressed, and maybe even a bit competitive, if you weren’t busy being mortified. ~~/OHHH, MY FACE! YOU’VE HURT MERASMUS’ SENSITIVE STALLION FACE! RIGHT ON HIS EMACULATELY-EXFOLIATED CHEEK AS WELL! OOOOOHHHH, THE PAAAAAAIIIN!/~~ ”O-oh, my Celestia!” Applejack shouts as she freezes on the stop. “Ah’ knew it, Ah’ shouldn’t ‘av-- M-my honest apologies! Oh, consarnit, Ah’ll never hit a colt again, Ah’ swear it! Lemme make it up to—" ~~/ALAKAZAM!/~~ ZAP! “GAH!” Next up is Rarity, as she overpowers your pathetic objection with, ”Forgive me, darling, but I can’t let you keep hurting my friends!” Zap! ~~/OHHH, YOU’VE LAID YOUR AGONIZING COMBAT MAGIC ON A STALLION! MY COLTY PAIN TOLERANCE CAN’T HANDLE IT! AND MY MAGNIFICIENT ATTIRE I’VE SPENT WEEKS ON! HOW COULD I EVER RECOVER FROM THIS?!/~~ ”My GOODNESS, I-I can’t apologize enough! I don’t know what came over--!” ~~/EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION ATTACK!/~~ ZAP! ”Wa-ha-haaaow!” … … ... ZAP! ”Eep!” Fluttershy yelps as she, too, is hit with a bolt of magic. ~~/THE YELLOW ONE HAS SOME SERIOUS SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES. TOO BAD SHE WILL BE TOO DEAD TO WORK ON THEM!/~~ Merasmus cackles as he swaggers to the center of the cavern, turning to each of his victims. All you can do is desperately try to fill your lungs with air as Pinkie shakes with uncontrollable laughter and Silhouette crouches in front of you, hackles raised. Not even Cerus Thorn emerging from the hole in the ground, a barely conscious Twilight Sparkle in her front hooves, can draw your attention from the crowing wizard. ~~/FOOLS … FOOOOOOOLS! MERASMUS IS A MINORITY HERE! HARASSMENT LAWS CATER TO ME! THE COSMIC POWERS OF VICTIMHOOD HAVE GRANTED MERASMUS IMMUNITY! I AM INVINCIBLLLLLE! HAAAAAAA-HAHAHHAHAAHA!/~~ "UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, MAGGOT, HARASSING MINORITIES IS A CLASSIC AMERICAN PASTIME!!" ~~/…Okay, I'm sure that was just meant to be a cute little tie-in to what I said, but sometimes the things you say really concern me, Soldier./~~ … ~~//…SOLDIER?!//~~ You’re surprised nopony breaks their neck with how quickly each and every head in the cavern snaps to the pony on top of a tall stone overlooking the room. Sure enough, with a scowl that would make the face of any mare, stallion, or mentally ill dyke pale in paralyzing fear, is Soldier. …A fully CLOTHED SOLDIER?! Yep, standing on his rear hooves as he holds what looks like a hoofheld canon and dawning a slightly-too-large helmet, Soldier is wearing a war-torn, red… bulging military uniform on his upper body, and a pair of rugged, dark brown… SKIN TIGHT trousers on his lower half. unf.overusedjoke It’s then you notice that the unabating laughter of Pinkie Pie has indeed abated. You turn to your friend to see tears rolling down her beet-red cheeks, a wide smile on her face. ”…I am so happy right now,” Pinkie Pie whispers. ~~/…Ahhh! Soldier! My dear… dear... fully-armed best friend!/~~ The only response from Soldier is a deeper scowl. Even though you can’t see his eyes from underneath that oversized helmet, you can practically feel his glare in your bones. ~~/...How is your elbow, by the way? I'm... ever so concerned by that.~~/ Once again, silence pervades the cavern. ~~/...Okay, seriously, how did you get back here? You were supposed to be sent to Hell for all of Eternity!/~~ "Hell?!” Soldier guffaws, confidently resting his left hoof on his hip and sexily puffing out his chest and holy Celestia your wings have never gone from on the verge of death to standing at astute attention so quickly. “I wouldn’t say Hell literally, but you were damn close! You sent me to cp_Gorge, you scum-sucking FRUIT BASKET!" ~~/THAT STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT BACK HERE, YOU INSUFFERABLE MORTAL!/~~ "You forgot to close the portal! I just walked back in!" The resounding CLOP! of Merasmus' facehoof echoes throughout all of Equus. ”Wait a minute…” Twilight mutters to herself. As her second wind slowly enters her system, Twilight staggers to her charred hooves before shouting, “Soldier! Do you hate this ‘see-pee Gorge,’ whatever that place is?” ”Absolutely!” Soldier shouts. ”Would you consider it your own, personal ‘Hell?’” ~~/…Wait, what are you doing, purple mortal?/~~ ”You’d have to be INSANE to not consider that impossible maze of a ghost town Hell on Earth!” Soldier responds, ignoring Merasmus. ”THAT’S IT!” Twilight cries out. With a speed to rival a Sonic Rainboom, every head swivels to an exuberant Twilight Sparkle. ”IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!” she shrieks, and oh no, you know what’s coming. “MERASMUS’ LACK OF AMBIENT MAGIC, THE PORTAL TO ‘HELL,’ WHICH I CAN REASONABLY ASSUME IS HIS VERSION OF TARTARUS, MERASMUS’ DIRECT-OFFENSIVE MAGIC NOT WORKING PROPERLY, HIM HAVING TO RESORT TO INDIRECT SPELLS! IT ALL MAKES SENSE! IN TOTAL, THERE ARE TEN TYPES OF MAGIC IN EQUUS! HARMONY, CHAOS, AMBIENT, ORGANIC—” Aaaaaaand you’re out. Well, at least this time your consciousness isn’t fully out of the immediate vicinity. You’re still staring at the way Soldier’s leg muscles twitch and striate through his pants. ”…MERASMUS’ MAGICAL SIGNATURE ISN’T MUCH DIFFERENT FROM SOLDIER’S! THAT, COUPLED WITH EVERYTHING SOLDIER’S TOLD US, SUGGESTS THAT THEY’RE FROM A DIFFERENT DIMENSION ENTIRELY! ONE WITHOUT AMBIENT MAGIC! BUT IF THAT’S TRUE, THEN HOW ARE THEY RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF US, INSTEAD OF EXPLODING IN—” …Wow, that stalagmite sure is far away… …Heh. Phallic object funny. ”…SO, IN CONCLUSION, MERASMUS DOES NOT HAVE AMBIENT MAGIC BECAUSE, UNLIKE SOLDIER, WHO EXPERIENCED A HARMONIC TRANSFORMATION; MERASMUS IS A BEING OF PURE EARTHLY MAGIC! SO HE IS NOT A THAUMATURGICALLY INDEPENDENT ORGANISM, AND NOT CAPABLE OF RETAINING HIS FORM INDEPENDENT OF MAGICAL ASSISTANCE! THERE IS SOMETHING THAT’S KEEPING HIS FORM INTACT! A MAGICAL RELIC HE BROUGHT WITH HIM FROM EARTH!” Thanks to your years of working with Twilight, you’ve successfully honed your skills of tuning into what she’s saying just before you miss the important bit. And thank Celestia you did, because now you feel like you can fly a marathon. dont even think about it tuftlet Figure of speech. ”THAT’S HOW WE DEFEAT HIM, GIRLS!” Twilight cheers, prompting a similar reaction from the rest of the Elements. ~~/…Eheheh…! FOOL! THAT’S JUST WHAT… MERASMUS WANTS YOU TO THINK!/~~ Merasmus' attempt at manipulation comes off more as a plea, what with the nervous smile on his face and the few beads of sweat trailing down his forehead. It disappears, suddenly, as the wizard is hit with a wave of indignation. ~~/MERASMUS HAS CENTURIES OF MAGICAL KNOWLEDGE! HE WAS BORN IN THE 17TH CENTURY DURING TIMES AT WHICH HIS KIND WAS OSTROCIZED AND HUNTED! IF IT WASN’T FOR MY CUNNING INTELLECT AND THOSE SCAPEGOATS IN THE FORM OF SALEM GIRLS, MERASMUS WOULD'VE BEEN DONE IN LONG AGO! WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE, LITTLE PONY, TO CHALLENGE MY MAGICAL SUPERIORITY?!/~~ "Immortal, evil wizard or not," Twilight says with an inward nod and a grin. "You're still just a colt!" ~~/...YOU HAVE A SERIOUS BIAS PROBLEM, LITTLE MISS! BUT IT IS A BIAS PROBLEM YOU WILL TAKE TO YOUR GRAVE! SPILL MERASMUS' SECRETS, TINY MORTALS! IT DOESN’T MATTER! YOU ARE ALREADY BEATEN! WHY, YOU CAN BARELY STAND!/~~ ”Then let’s change that, shall we? Heads up, Rainbow Crash!” Soldier shouts from above. …Oh Celestia, the elementary school flashbacks, they’re’a comin’-- KER-RASH! Something tall, metal, and rectangular lands in front of you with a thunderous boom. As the dust clears, and your ovaries return to their natural position from your throat, you see what looks like… …some kind of locker? ~~/...Please don't tell me that's--/~~ "PRIVATE CRASH!" Soldier screams. "GRAB ANYONE WHO LOOKS LIKE HELL AND GET THEM TO THE RESUPPLY LOCKER!" Within seconds, all Tartarus breaks loose. Merasmus is instantly back in battle mode as he charges a dark green spell at the metal box, but he doesn't get to unleash it. BOOM! "HUTAAAAAH!" With an explosion and a scream to match, Soldier launches himself at Merasmus. As the cave devolves into enraged wailing from Merasmus, explosions and spells being casted by both sides, the sounds of a shovel whacking against flesh (???), and a lightshow which would make the firework specialists at the Summer Sun Celebration blush with both envy and arousal, you grab Pinkie and drag both of you towards the locker. Even if it hurts like all Tartarus, you use the last of your strength to throw open the metal doors... And the pain stops. At the ripe age of seven, you shot your first gun that knocked you flat on your butt and rendered you deaf for the next three weeks. Your favorite World War is the second one! That one had more automatic gunfire! You strike fear into the hearts of psychologists, deep-seated confusion into the hearts of your last four therapists, and bullets into the hearts of Germans! Even if you weren't legally allowed to! THOSE RECRUITMENT PANSIES WOULDN'T KNOW A TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOT IF HE BARGED INTO THEIR HOME WITHOUT A WARRANT, RELOADED AND POLISHED ALL THEIR GUNS, AND HUNG A NATIONAL FLAG ON EVERY BARREN WALL! That's right, you sissy, gentrified, back-hunched-over-no-seriously-correct-your-posture-young-man maggot! You're Soldier! And right now, you're beating the wizardy, magicky, ever-loving TAR out of Merasmus! EVEN THINKING HIS NAME RILES YOU UP! THE STING OF BETRAYAL STILL BURNS YOUR EYES! YOU AREN’T CRYING! You meet Merasmus at eye level at the apex of your rocket jump, greeting him with a WALLOP of a shovel to the face! ~~/AGH! MY ELDRITCH, ALL-POWERFUL EYE!/~~ You're suddenly suspended in the air as Merasmus grabs you with his magic, aiming a powerful-looking-- Ker-POW! ~~/ARGH! MY OTHER ELDRITCH, ALL-POWERFUL EYE!/~~ You grunt as a pink blur tackles you out of the air. You would've tumbled to a painful stop, too, if that pink blur wasn't hanging onto you so tightly! As she releases you after an admittingly too-long-for-comfort time, you're back on your four hooves! "You're doing a damn fine job, Private Ponk!" you laugh with a clap on her back. She responds the same way she always does when you talk to her: drooling as she stares at you, eyes half-lidded. Silly magical horses! "AJ!" you hear Twig-light Spergle yell out. "DID YOU CHECK THAT CORNER?!" An ear-shattering clack reverberates in the cavern. "THIS ONE AIN'T HOLLOW EITHER!" AJ yells back. "KEEP LOOKING! THERE'S GOTTA BE A SECRET ROOM SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE!" "Alright, Pinks!" you call out as you head back into the fray. "Let's buy your friends some time and give this wizard and his stupid, pointy hat an all-American ass-whoopin'!" You bite down on your rocket launcher’s grip before dashing towards Merasmus. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! You dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge each thunderbolt Merasmus sends your way as you rush forward. Before you can get in range though, Merasmus’ hooves glow with a bright white light. BZZZ-ZAP! Before the light is thrown at you, you quickly roll to a stop before aiming the rocket at your hooves and firing. Your hooves burn with righteous, American flames as you’re propelled into the air. Righteous and American as it is, though, you can feel the familiar ache of your legs not being able to take much more. ~~/HAS YOUR TIME IN EQUUS RUSTED YOUR SKILLS, SOLDIER? YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR--/~~ You drown out your former friend as you unlatch the shovel from your waist just before a force from behind launches you towards Merasmus. You barely catch the surprised look on his face before you slam your shovel into it. “WELL DONE, CERUS!” you shout as you roll onto the ground and into a gallop towards the resupply locker. As you near the resupply locker, you catch a glimpse of Cerus Thorn as she gives you a quick salute before flying back into battle. Silhouette is a black blur in the cavern as she darts this way and that, assisting the Elements however she can. You also catch a glimpse of another bat pony, who swoops in and saves Fluttershy from a particularly nasty magical blast— Hold on. …Now, you’d planned on searching for the rest of your team after Merasmus was dealt with, with there only being two bats assisting you. Two… …Two… Two is less than three! Where the Hell did that other one come from?! God, you hope Spy didn’t somehow gain magical flying abilities once he came here. Spy… Just thinking about his name makes your blood boil. Why, the next time you see that frog-flatulating bastard you’ll make sure he pays double for putting a knife to your teammates throat! As you reach the resupply locker, you notice two other ponies near it. There’s that navy-blue stallion from earlier, and it looks like he’s dragging an unconscious Rarity towards the locker! You give them both a brief nod as you slam a hoof to the resupply locker. Immediately you can feel your body become rejuvenated— ... …Wait a rocket-hot minute. You slowly turn towards the navy stallion. So slowly, in fact, that you swear you hear the grinding rumble of a heavy stone being dragged across the ground as you do. … "…Alright, Soldier,” he s-- Soldier_cloakedspy03.wav "GOTCHA, YOU CROUTON-MUNCHING MAGUETTE!" you roar. Immediately you're on top of nothing, pummeling the air, throttling a nonexistent neck-- HANG ON! You're not on top of Spy, pummeling his stupid, handsome face, throttling his weak smoker’s neck! You're being held back! Someone's stopping you from behind! "Jane!" ...Wait a minute! You recognize that deep, trying-too-hard-to-be-stoic voice from anywhere! "Captain Midnight Blossom!” you grin. “Permission to rip this Frenchie's ass inside out?" "Permission denied, Jane!" "WHAT?! WHY, IN ALL MY YEARS IN THE MILITARY NOBODY HAS EVER DENIED ME THE CHANCE TO RIP A FRENCHIE’S ASS INSIDE OUT! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!” "Spy's on our side, Jane!" Furtive Wind cries as she— “OOMPH!” --careens her muzzle right into your chest, pulling you into a tight hug. "I-it's thanks to him we're back on our hooves!" she sniffles, "He helped us all by keeping us invisible until we could touch that weird, metal box that instantly heals you! He's a genius! Also, this drool on your shirt was here when I got here!” You grumble. That is pretty smart... …And pretty helpful… … …For a Frenchie. SWOOSH! Rainbow Dash flies by as she carries a bloodied and bruised Applejack to the resupply locker. Within the span of a second, Applejack is back to full health. ”Heyguysbyeguys!” Dash shouts as she carries Applejack back into battle, no doubt aimed squarely at Merasmus’ face. ...And in that span of time, neither Midnight nor Furtive have made any moves to let you go. No time for distractions, Soldier! There will be time for adorable pony hugs later! This is serious business! "Hmm..." you growl, gently pushing the two bat ponies aside as you approach Spy. "...I've heard of double-crossing French cowards, but never triple-crossing French cowards! Are you really Spy? What does the baguette feel--" "Furtive Wind already did that," Midnight Blossom pipes up from behind, and you immediately stop moving. "It's really him." You slowly turn back to the two bat ponies. "Private Furtive Wind told the baguette joke?" At the ponies' nod, you feel your chest swell with the warm feeling of pride. You smile warmly as you lay your hoof on Furtive's shoulder, who seems awfully red in the face for some reason. "Furtive Wind... sniff... You are a true American." "...Th-thanks, daddy," she mumbles. "Alright," Spy says, and you're instantly glaring at him. "...So, back to the subject at hand.” Spy turns to Midnight as he plops an unconscious Rarity on the ground like a ragdoll. ”I'm not sure protecting Rarity from Furtive Wind's manestyle will be a problem anymore." "What?!” you explode, offended. “Why would someone need protection from the magnificent piece of modern art on top of Furtive Wind's head—oh, that’s her mane?" "She already fainted," Spy sighs to Midnight. "How?!" Midnight snarls, her fangs glinting between her lips. "Well, she was having trouble avoiding Merasmus' attacks, so I went in to provide assistance. She swooned and fainted the moment she saw my face." "...Bucking Daydweller thirst," Midnight sighs. Ker-POW! At the boom of Pinkie’s party canon, each of you turn back to the carnage. …Hey, it looks just like your workplace! That is NOT a good thing! ”Time to get back out there,” Midnight commands as she glances at you and Furtive Wind. You and Furtive both give a salute before the two thestrals take off. You’re about to leave as well, until you feel A FRENCHMAN’S HOOF ONYOURBACK-- ”HUTTAH!” Your punch doesn’t connect! ”Well, that was predictable,” Spy says. You snort a horsey snort. "There's one more thing, Soldier,” Spy says… earnestly? You slowly raise an eyebrow at the adverb Spy just talked in. “I agreed to help you all with Merasmus, but once he's defeated, I'm headed back to Earth. “ You regard Spy suspiciously as his blue eyes narrow at Merasmus. ”…Soldier," he says slowly, "We really need you back there."