//------------------------------// // 3. Antrum Firma // Story: Rockets and Friendship // by Spooples //------------------------------// You're pink. You like parties. You're a pony. You're the most splenderrific pink party pony on this side of the Bay! That's right, you're Ponka Pie! And today, you're-- Hold on. You're Panko Pa! ...You'rrrrrrrrrre Pankie Poe! ...Ponk! PLOPPA POO! PAINIS CUPCAKE! ARGH! IT'S DOING THAT THING AGAIN! You turn towards one of your five bestest friends in Equestria. The rapturous, resplendent, Rarity! Who is currently covered in sweat and hasn’t stopped complaining about it for the last ten minutes! You must test this phenomenon! "Heya, Rarity!" you say with the biggest grin you can muster. "--and of course the Baltimarean mayor couldn't just give us a straight answer, so we had too--" Rarity stops ranting about something of the silly variant when she realizes you called out to her. She sighs as she looks at you, giving you a tired, patient smile as she forgets what she was just talking about. "Yes, darling?" "...Say my name." Rarity's face relaxes its metaphorical sphincter, going from grumpiness to bewilderment. "Um... Pinkie Pie?" "...You're gosh darn right!" The spell is broken! You cheer before grabbing Rarity into a suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper tight and tooooooooooooooooootally platonic hug! ”Darling, please!” she screeches frantically. “I’m covered in sweat!” You don’t care, because you’re Pinkie Pie! And today, you and your five bestest friends have been sent to the Foal Mountains to take care of a magical disturbance that threatens the very fabric of your reality! It's only been a month since you all brought Princess Luna back to her senses and got these cool-looking Elements of Harmony, and you're already being sent on your first high stakes, world-saving adventure. You sniff, wiping a tear from your eye. "We grow up so fast..." you sigh whimsically. You gals spent the first few days in Baltimare, gathering information on the big, whirly, dark, magicky stuff surrounding the Foal Mountains. But you got as many explanations as the ponies you've asked -- the truth is, nopony knows exactly what's going on! First was the big intervellum... magicky... something-something that appeared above the Foal Mountains, and after that? Who knows! All that you were all able to glean is that there's some evil wizard who periodically laughs like a villain every night. So, probably a villain. This morning, you all started the hike up to the top of the mountains. It was super spooky, what with all the whirly, dark, magicky stuff swirling around you and the girls, but you all mared through. Even if it took some longer than others. Well, nothing a little friendly motivation couldn’t fix! Finally, you and Rarara turn a stony corner to reveal the rest of your friends, standing at the mouth of what looks like a cave. Fumes of dark magic bellow out from the cave ceiling like smoke from a chimney, the cave's entrance yawning wide like a dragon's maw. This is gonna be so much fun! ”Finally!” Rainbow Dash cheers before zipping over to the two of you. Bizarrely, this doesn’t draw the attention of the rest of your friends, who seem to be fixated on the cave's entrance. “Pinkie and the stallion are here! What took you guys so long?!” “Hey!” you say with a stomp of your hoof. “Rarity is not a stallion! She's just an honorary stallion.” You grin and give Rarity a wink. "I got your back, sis!" Rarity gives an indignant harumph, shooting her chin upwards. She’s lucky she doesn’t splash Dash with all that sweat on her face! ”Whatever,” Dash continues, looking back and forth between you and the cave entrance. “Speaking of stallion, you gotta check this out. Hurry, hurry, hurry!” Not waiting for permission, Dash gets behind Rarity and starts pushing her backside towards the rest of the group. ”Wh— hey” Rarity yelps as she tries to find purchase in the rocky ground. You merely giggle and bound after your two friends. “Get your dirty hooves off my derriere! I can walk just fine, Rainbow Dash!” ”Obviously not," Dashie giggles, "What, with how long it took you to—” ”UNHOOF ME, I SAY! MY HOOVES ARE DIRTY ENOUGH! I DON'T NEED YOURS TO— What was that?” As Rarity’s last bit of fight leaves her, your ears also perk from what you just heard. Judging by the mixed reactions of your friends, they also heard it. ”…Was that what Ah’ think it was?” ”This doesn’t make any logical sense! Why would a stallion be in here? It’s way too dangerous! …Not to be sexist, or anything.” ”…He… was laughing?” ”Oh, that poor dear!” Rarity exclaims as she-- Oh, whoops! Forgot Rarity's color doesn't really jive with a white background! Sorry! ”Oh, that poor dear!” Rarity exclaims as she joins the group, courtesy of Rainbow Dash’s posterior-pushing. “He must be terrified! Why, if he’s so frazzled he’s laughing, he might be experiencing a panic attack! We need to help him!” ”Now hold on a second!” Rainbow Dash chides. “You all heard how… evil his laugh sounded, right?” Your friends all give Rainbow Dash a variety of looks, ranging from a simple raised eyebrow to Rarity's, "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dash. Everypony knows stallions can't be evil!" Twilight gives an affirming nod with a proud smile on her face. "Yep! I, for one, have never met an evil stallion!" "Nah, Dash is right," Applejack puts forward. "Big Mac almost got brainwashed by those Stallionist weirdos who visited last Tuesday." "Wanting equal rights doesn't make a stallion evil!" "Literally what rights do we have that they don't?!" You raise your hoof to interject, "I want to pee standing up, too! Can I be a Stallionist?" "I have an evil uncle!" Fluttershy murmurs with a supportive smile towards Dash. "He's not allowed within fifty yards of the school, though, so you haven't met him." Four pairs of lips all close, and four pairs of eyes all converge on Fluttershy, who seems to shrink at the attention. You say four, because your own eyes are looking elsewhere. They're following your ears, which are angling towards the sounds of ponies... whispering. You squint, rubbing your chin with a hoof. These particular voices don't match any of your friends, who are now asking Fluttershy different arrangements of the question, "Come again?" "What's the matter, ladies?" the gravelly voice of a stallion susurrates, "They're right up ahead!" "SHHHZIPIT!" a mare's voice whisper-yells. Your ears swivel to the direction of the voice and lead your eyes toooooooo.... That inexplicably shaking bush over there. "Must've been the wind," you remark in a Nordic, male voice. That, or that therapist your family made you see was actually right, and you're hearing voices. Too bad she was wrong! You giggle to yourself as you turn back to your friends-- "What do you mean we're not going to attack?!" the masculine voice growls, "I thought they were our targets!" Not to be outdone, the feminine voice immediately shoots back, "THEYARENOT--! Ugh! Just keep your voice down! Let me explain..." HmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm... Your eyes narrow at the bush, which juuuuust so happens to be shaking more intensely whenever you hear the voices. Something seems... ...rather... … ...sussy. "A TAILING MISSION?!" the bush explodes, "ABSOLUTELY NOT! NEGATORY! I RE-FUSE!" Suddenly, the bush SPROUTS TWO RED LEGS AND IS WALKINGRIGHTTOWARDSYOU-- "Greetings, targets!" the bush exclaims. "We have come to--!” You hop up to your hind hooves and point at the bush. Your Nordic voice comes back as you yell, "NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME HERE!" zzZZ-WHAM! A rainbow blur CRASHES right into that sucker! Your cerulean friend and the sappy fiend tumble a good dozen cubits before skidding to a halt near the cliff's precipice, and-- HOLD YOUR ANCESTORS! That's not a talking bush! That's a stallion! Who’s unconscious! And being straddled by Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash seems to make the realization just as you do, and you can see the tips of her ears reddening from all the way back here. For a solid five seconds, everypony is too shocked to move. Then, Applejack chuckles under her breath, "Nice." "Rainbow Dash!" Rarity calls out. "Get off that poor colt right this insta--" "SURPRISE ATTACK!" the stallion suddenly shouts, leaping up and wrapping his hooves around Dash's neck. She lets out a sound that at first you swore was a squeaky toy caught in her throat as the stallion quickly turns the tables. As in, turns the pegasus, upside down, her neck underneath him— ASL;DKFJASKFJSADF HE’S SO BUCKING CUTE! HE’S A CUTIE PATOOTIE! HE’S A HUNKA-HUNKABOLAGNALOO! A BIG OL’ TONHUNKGEREKOOGER! "HAHA!" the stallion cries, pumping a hoof to the sky, sending delicious ripples throughout his muscular frame as a little beam of sunlight shines on his body at just the right angle. "OPERATION: SURPRISE ATTACK! NEVER FAILS!" The sunbeam seems to evaporate as the stallion suddenly flinches. Then, he drops back down to all fours and points an accusatory hoof at his original position. "NOT A WORD, FURTIVE WIND!" A squeak draws your attention to where the bush once was, and you're surprised to see a gaggle of bat ponies! No, gaggle isn't the right word. Herd? Flock? Colony? Faggot? Like, a faggot of timberwolves? A bunch! Yeah, there’s a bunch of bat ponies all huddled together! Awww, how cute, with how they looked so exasperated, and that little squeak from the small one, and how that big one with the dark purple armor looks like she wants to rip out a puppy’s throat… Oh, wow. That’s one angry bat. You hope Rainbow Dash didn’t hurt the poor colt. ”Wh—who are you?!” Twilight yelps as she immediately ignites her horn, engaging a luminescence spell which engulfs the entire precipice. The bats immediately recoil from the light, although the big one in front only squints slightly. The Elements quickly spin towards the bat ponies, crouched defensively, hackles raised. …Oh, right! You're an Element too! You also turn towards the bat ponies and try to raise your hackles, but it’s harder than it looks. “Grrrrrrr,” you opt to growl instead, even if your intimidating façade falters every time you sneak a peak towards that hunka-hunka on top of your friend. ”We are here to stealthily watch and support you from the shadows!” the stallion proclaims proudly, still on top of Rainbow Dash, with a firm hold on her neck, whose face seems to be turning purple. “And you ladies must be the Helements of Armory!” ”Elements of Harmony,” AJ corrects absentmindedly. ”And that’s very nice, Sugarcube, but we’re talking to the mares. Go back to whatever you were doin’ before—” Before Applejack can finish her sentence, Rarity suddenly lets out a blood-curdling scream, ”OH MY SWEET CELESTIA, WHO WAS THE BARBARIAN WHO SEWED A PINEAPPLE IN YOUR MANE?!” "I WANT TO KNOW, TOO!" the thestral Rarity was screaming at screams! "HRRRRRR'S BRRRRCKIIIIIINGG STRRRRRRRNGLIIIIIIING MEEEEE!" Rainbow Dash grits out between her clenched teeth. “YOU’RE REALLY ATTRACTIVE!” you shout to the red stallion. ”My ears!” Fluttershy squeaks. You chuckle, nudging Fluttershy with your hoof. "C’mon, Flutters! You gotta get your head in the game if you wanna contend in these impromptu shouting matches!" The biggest bat pony with the armor cups her face with her front hooves before dragging them down, letting out an exhausted sigh. Hey, your friends do that all the time when they’re around you! ”…Okay,” the bat eventually gets out. The luminescence spell glitters in her slitted, yellow eyes as she studies each of you in turn. “…Elements of Harmony, my name is Midnight Blossom. I’m the Lunar Captain of the 31st Interdiurnal Night Guard Division. This is my team. Vice-Captain Silhouette, Rear Captain Moonlight Ambrosia, Specialist Quickthistle, Fangbearers Cerus Thorn and Serendipity, and Private Furtive Wind. We’ve been sent by the Princess to support you and the Elements during your mission." The news causes a wave of shock to wash over every one of you. ”P-Princess Celestia sent you?!” Twilight almost shouts, earning a raised eyebrow from Midnight. You recognize the look in her eyes The news “…W-we don’t need your help! I’m fine with my six friends! And tell Celestia—err, politely inform the Princess that the Elements of Harmony are entirely competent on their own! We are a serious and accomplished task force! --” Midnight gives your group of goofy goobers a gardant gaze. “-- There’s no reason to send reinforcements! Because reinforcements mean that something is going wrong, but if reinforcements are here without anything going wrong yet, thatjustmeanssheexpectssomethingtogowrongandifshe’sworriedthenI’mworried, and—" ”Princess Luna sent me, actually,” Midnight says, shutting Twilight up. You don’t miss the gleam of her fangs underneath that subtle smirk. ”…Oh!” Twilight says, her purple face gaining a shade of pink before she turns to the pony beside her. “…There’s such a thing as the Night Guard?” Rarity is the pony beside her, and she’s too busy mourning the death of a fellow mare’s mane to notice Twilight’s question. ”Alright,” Applejack gains the attention of the bat ponies. She’s no longer on edge, but isn’t making any moves toward the mares. “Part of the Night Guard Ah’ can accept, but there’s still a lotta questions before you can jus’ up an’ join us on a dangerous mission. Like why in Celestia’s name do y’all have a stallion followin’ you? And what in tarnation happened to his ear?!” Yay, an excuse to cop a peak at your new reason for having lady bits! AJ points a hoof at the stallion, still on top of Rainbow Dash, and wow she’s really pale right now-- Oh, better put a stop to that. “Hey, mister!” you call out, and you can feel yourself smiling even wider when the stallion turns to lock eyes with you. “Could you stop strangling Rainbow Dash to death please? We sorta, kinda need her for the Elements of Harmony!” ”Oh!” the stallion cutely exclaims, hopping off of your friend. “My apologies, Rainbow Crash!” O O F As the flashbacks start playing in Dash’s eyes, the stallion trots back to his team of bats, undeterred by the glass-shattering glare Midnight shoots him. ”He is…” Midnight says almost painfully. “…Going to be joining us for this mission.” ”WHAT?!” all of you almost explode, before Midnight quickly follows up with: ”As a joint supervisor from the Solar Guard. His name is Jane Doe, a specialist from the Internocturnal Solar Guard Division. He won’t be causing any… more trouble.” Hmmmmmm… Well, it certainly doesn’t look like she’s lying! Plus he’s super buff and he took Rainbow Dash down like it was nothing… Plus he’s also super cute andholyCelestiacanyoujustshoveyourfaceinmytuftrightnowplease-- ”She’s lyin’,” Applejack says. Aww! Midnight Blossom narrows her eyes at the Element of Honesty, opening her mouth to say something else. You never hear what she has to say, because that’s the moment Rarity utters probably the single worst thing she could’ve possibly uttered at this very moment. ”La pauvre…” With speed that would make Rainbow Dash rainbow splash in her panties, Jane… noclips across the stony floor to come face-to-face with Rarity. Then, he leans forward. Rarity, unsure of what to do, leans back. Jane leans even more forward. Rarity leans even further back, until— Plop! --Rarity is on her haunches, muzzle-to-muzzle with the most distrusting-looking stallion you’ve ever seen. ”…Boy do I have a joke I wanna tell you,” Jane says slowly. Joke?! YOU LOVE JOKES! YOU TWO WERE PRACTICALLY MADE FOR EACH OTHER! Before you can make your move though, Applejack gently pushes past you and lays a hoof on Jane’s shoulder. “Sugarcube,” AJ says kindly, but with an authority you would never want to contest. “Take a deep breath… Now be honest with me. Are these mares here—" Before AJ can finish, the stallions interrupts her with an ear-splitting, ”I’M GONNA BE DAMN HONEST WITH YOU, TEXAS!” OWOWOOWOW!! Owie, your ears… Poor Applejack… ”NOW I DON’T KNOW WHY EXACTLY YOU BUTTERMUFFINS ARE TREATING MY TEAM LIKE COMMON LADIES OF THE NIGHT," Jane proclaims, puffing his muscular chest out and giving a stomp of his hoof." BUT LET ME TELL YOU THAT I DO NOT LIKE TO BE KEPT WAITING TO GET TO THE ACTION! WHY, IF I DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER I’D THINK YOU GIRLS WERE SCARED!” Where is all this inner turmoil coming from?! And why is it so sexy?! ”Hey, buddy!” Rainbow Dash cuts in, swooping between Jane and Applejack. Hey, she’s back from her PTSD attack! “We’re not scared! We’ve faced down threats like this a million times before!” ”R-Rainbow Dash, control yourself!” Rarity gets out, scrambling backwards before staggering onto her hooves. “He’s a stallion, for Celestia’s sake!” ”He sure doesn’t act like one!” ”ALRIGHT, CRANBERRY SPLASH!” Jane’s crosshairs shift from Applejack to Rainbow Dash. “IF YOU’RE NOT SCARED, THEN WHY ARE YOU STALLING?!” ”W-we ain’t stallin’, mister!” AJ stammers as she gets back onto her hooves, Rainbow Dash now under the effects of Jane’s stare. “We’re just makin’ sure these here mares are trustworthy!” ”I CAN ASSURE YOU MAGGOTS THAT THESE HAIRE MAIRES ARE DAMN TRUSTWORTHY! AND EVERY SECOND YOU SPEND ARGUING WITH THE PONIES ON YOUR OWN BLASTED SIDE, WE ARE OUT HERE, AND NOT IN THERE! WHY, YOUR PRECIOUS PRINCESS ARREST-TIA WOULD BE ASHAMED TO SEE YOU ALL OUT HERE, BICKERING LIKE NEW RECRUITS! YOU CALL YOURSELVES NATIONAL HEROES?!” ”W-we’ve never called ourselves national heroes!” ”WELL YOU SHOULD, BECAUSE IF WHAT HALF OF WHAT THE BAT PONIES TOLD ME ABOUT YOU IS TRUE, THEN I DARE SAY THE TITLE ‘NATIONAL HERO’ ISN’T NEARLY ENOUGH OF THE PRAISE YOU PONIES DESERVE!” ”…thanks?” ”SINGLE FILE NOW! AND PUFF YOUR GODDAMN CHESTS OUT!” Even if Applejack hated taking orders from a stallion, and Rainbow Dash hated taking orders from a stallion out of the bedroom, your friends hurriedly get to work. You’re just happy to be included! ”I SAID SINGLE FILE!" Jane growls, "HORIZONTALLY, NOT VERTICALLY! YOU, STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SWEAT IN YOUR MANE! YOU CALL THAT PUFFING YOUR CHEST OUT, LESBIAN HAIR?!” ”My tuft is adequate, not small!” Dash squeaks, but it's overthrown by Jane's voice. ”ENOUGH TALK! Girls, listen up and listen good, because this is gonna be the last thing you’re all going to hear that won’t be echoing off those cave walls! Whatever stink pile you’re originally from, today you are all AMERICANS!” With a glow of Twilight’s horn and a magical pop!, a notebook and a pen are floating beside her. “Excuse me, sir!” she chitters excitedly. “What’s an A-mare-ican, if you don’t mind me—" ”A-MARE-ICAN?!” Jane explodes, suddenly millimeters from Twilight’s face, no matter how quickly she recedes. “HOW DARE YOU MISPRONOUNCE THE NAME OF THE GREATEST PEOPLE FROM THE GREATEST CIVILIZATION EVER CONCEIVED BY THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE: GEORGE WASHINGTON?! WHERE ELSE CAN YOU BRING A SMALL ARSENEL'S WORTH OF FIREARMS INTO A WALMART AND COMPLAIN TO THE MANAGER WHEN SOME LIBERAL SISSY STARTS TELLING YOU TO ‘THINK OF THE CHILDREN’ AND ‘THERE'S NO WAY A HOTCHKISS M1929 AA MACHINE CAN FIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR,’ AND BE CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED?! WATCH, I'LL SHOW YOU AFTER THE MISSION! WHERE IS THE NEAREST WALMART?!" ”Soldier, we’re in Equestria,” Midnight undercuts from the sidelines. Solly looks like he’s going to explode in Midnight’s face for a few seconds, before… ”…Damnit! All this time I thought I was just in some backwater town in Texas! And as we all know, only two things come from Texas, and we all look like steers to me! Well, most of us!” A suspicious glare is sent Rainbow Dash’s way. ”No,” Dash recites monotonously, “I’m not gay, I'm too busy to look for a stallion, don't set me up with your ex's son, Mom.” With an affirmative nod, Jane stomps one side of his hooves on the ground before using them as a pivot, turning about face towards the cave entrance. He wobbles slightly, but you’re too busy admiring his… um… courage to notice. ”Alllll-right, national heroes, and their admirable protectors!" he bellows, immediately commanding everypony's attention. "Today we march into that cave and have a good ol’ heart to heart with my roommate! FALL IN!” As Jane starts marching into the cave entrance, the Elements of Harmony following close behind, you hear a bat pony whisper something to her team. ”Okay, it is kinda funny when it’s not you he’s yelling at.” It’s been a while since you’ve entered the cave, and you are not having a good time. For one, the dark magic clouds the entire corridor, making vision virtually impossible without Twilight’s luminescence spell lighting the way. For another, it reeks. The cave doesn’t hold the same pleasant, moist scents your thestral nose is so used to in antrum firma. Almost as much as the shame of relying on a Daydweller for vision, the thick stench of something… smokey fills your nostrils. And lastly, that maniacal laughter that keeps coming from deeper within is starting to get on your nerves. Like a Luna-damn pendulum, it echoes through your bones once again, right on schedule. Already on your nerves, however, reside the Elements of Harmony themselves. They haven’t stopped talking… No. Gossiping like a group of colts since they’ve entered the cave. When it’s not, “My Celestia, look at these hieroglyphs! They mean…” it’s “Pinkie, you’re being awfully quiet. What’s wrong?” or “Something doesn’t feel right, girls…” Exposition, character foreshadowing, useless, foreboding nonsense… That autistic unicorn one is the worst, though. …The purple autistic unicorn. The next time you hear her give another motivational speech to her friends before you all turn a corner you just might have a conniption. And the next time you hear the phrase “Alright, girls!” you’re probably gonna slap the mare who said it. Mare in the Moon, can these fillies take anything seriously? Then again, you’re not one to talk. Oh, you’re Quickthistle by the way. Interdiurnal Night Guard Specialist. Wooer of stallions. Older sister of Serendipity. Annoyer of that failed alpha you begrudgingly call your captain. And, currently, eavesdropper of Daydweller conversations. Don’t get yourself wrong, everything these mares say is a complete bore, but Jane had recently volunteered to scout ahead in the fork in the road just ahead. Twilight, being the white knightess she is, insisted on coming with him, but what do you know, the stallion won the argument. She still gave him a luminescence ball for him to carry though, so good on her. But, when stallions aren’t within earshot… ”Alright, so are we gonna talk about the beefy, male elephant in the room or not?” the Element of Loyalty whispers giddily to her friends. Rarity is next in line with, ”R-Rainbow Dash! Here?! Now?!” ”Well, why not? Jane’s out of our manes for the first time since we’ve met him, and we might not get another chance to talk about this until after the mission. And then, who knows when we’ll see him again? If we ever do!” ”Aren’t ya forgettin’ somethin’, Dash?” the Element of Honesty asks. ”What d’ya mean?!” ”We’ve got an audience.” The Elements of Harmony give your team a pathetic excuse of a subtle glance, since six wide pairs of eyes suddenly turning towards you and turning away in a dark cave is pretty hard to miss. Do they operate on cartoon social cues or something? Satisfied with your team’s seeming disinterest, they turn back inwards. …Now, to be fair to the mares, you and your team are indeed out of earshot. Daydweller earshot. “You see that, Serene?” you idly ask, giving your sister a nudge. She responds with a start, turning towards you with wide eyes. “Rule twelve-point-five of wooing stallions: never gossip when there are other mares around.” Serendipity regards you for a moment too long before turning towards the Elements. ”Duly noted,” she finally says. …Huh. That was weird. Your ears swivel back to the Elements, and their conversation once again fills them. ”…So? What d’ya think?” Dash says with an eyebrow wiggle you can virtually hear. ”Why, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity whispers, "I never figured you’d go for a stallion like that!” ”Wait, what?!” Pinkie Pie gives a jolt before her ears lie flat against her skull. ”Oh! Oh, I… I didn’t know you were interested in him, Dashie! D-don’t worry, I won’t get in your way!” ”Ugh! You guys got it all wrong! Just… Pinks, why don’t you go over to those bat ponies and, uh… Tell ‘em that joke you told us that one time!” ”Okay!” Oh, Luna. The most annoying pink party pony bounces toward your flock of thestrals, and you resist the urge to gag. ”Hi, everypony!” she chirps. “Or should I say, everybatty! Wowzie bo-zowzie, you’re all so serious-looking! Well, I got just the remedy! What do you call a zebra on the moo- OH WOW, THAT PINEAPPLE’S REALLY IN THERE! YOU MUST BE REALLY EMBARRASSED ABOUT THAT! Lemme see! Lemme see lemme see lemme see! Ohhhhh, this is so conspicuous and undoubtedly draws the attention of everypony around you!” Thanking Faust above that you didn’t have to engage in conversation with this creature, you eagerly turn your attention back to the Elements’ gossip. … …You eagerly. Turn your attention. Back to the Elements’ gossip. This cave must be getting to you. ”Alright, so how’re we doing this?” Rainbow Dash whispers. ”How’re we doing what, exactly?” Applejack asks. ”Hooking Pinkie up with Jane! Don’t tell me you didn’t see her ogling him like a three-cubit tall chocolate-layered cake!” ”…She was rather enraptured by him," Rarity muses, "And I must say, nopony we’ve met before has matched Pinkie’s… intensity. But we don’t know a thing about the stallion! Why, he could be a deviant for all we know!” ”Pffft! He’s a stallion! He’s not some rabid animal!” ”Sure handled you like a rabi—” ”SHUT UP.” ”…Ah’ dunno," Applejack ponders, "Whenever Dash makes schemes that have anything to do with relationships, they always tend to fall through.” ”Hey! I don’t scheme!” ”Ah’ jus’ don’t want Pinkie to get her heart broken. Or get into a disingenuous relationship her friends set up behind her back. Matters of the heart need t’ be natural.” ”Well, that’s just the thing! It won’t be disingenuous—wow, AJ, I’m surprised you pronounced that word right the first time.” ”Get hilted.” ”L-language, please!” the quiet one squeaks. The whole group turns towards her like she just materialized at their side. ”…I keep forgetting you’re here, Shy," Dash says with a nervous giggle. "You need to work on that. And it won’t be disingenuous, AJ! This’ll work, just you watch. All we have to do… is have Pinkie impress him with her mareliness.” ”An’ how d’ya reckon that’s happening?” ”Well, first we’ll start with ‘accidentally’ misfiring the Elements of Harmony, giving the baddie the idea that they’re broken—” ”Pinkie, come back! We need ya!” ”Allllll-righty!” Pinkie cheers before turning back to a barely conscious Furtive Wind. “Get me in contact with your manestylist!” ”Wha—hey!” Dash exclaims. “I wasn’t done scheming!” ”You’re gonna get somepony hurt,” AJ chides, leaving no room for argument with Pinkie’s approach. “We’re blasting the villain with the Elements the moment we can.” As Pinkie Pie rejoins the group, Rainbow Dash harumphs and mutters, “You’re no fun…” You once again nudge your sister, who responds with an annoyed grunt— Wait a minute. You turn, and dear Luna above what did you do to deserve this, it’s Midnight Blossom next to you. Serendipity must’ve gotten up and left without a word. That is… very much out of character for her. Ugh. …Well, it’s probably more useful to your captain than your sister, anyways. ”…You heard that too, right, Cap’?” you ask. ”Their personal relationship with Jane isn’t important to the mission,” she responds curtly. Sheesh, leave it to a failed alpha to not get the importance of a relationship. “Seems pretty important if a member of our team has interpersonal ties with our marks,” you retort. ”Soldier is only part of our team until this mission is over,” Midnight responds, although you see a crack in her stony expression in the form of a downward glance. “That’s his reward for the Nnuelg’un’.” ”And after that?” ”None of our business. He’s a grown stallion. He can make his own decisions.” ”C’mon Midnight, we found him alone in the woods. Aren’t you just a tiny bit concerned—” ”I hope you’re not implying that you are concerned about his well-being, Quickthistle.” Her tone is so sharp you might have flinched if you were a more naïve filly. Her piercing glare, however, finishes the job. “Past the point at which he’d be unfit for a quick rut, I mean.” You send your captain a glare to match and open your mouth to retort before another maniacal laugh cuts you off. You swear to Luna, you’re going to kick that psycho’s teeth in, panic-stricken stallion or not— ~~/FOOLISH CREATURES OF EQUUS… YOUR PETTY SQUABBLING, YOU MAY RUE…/~~ Without warning, a chilling voice penetrates your mind like a vampony’s fang. You yelp as your vision swims and staying upright becomes an impossible task. Various other yells and screams fill your ears, and you’re unsure if they come from your team or the monstrosity residing in your mind. ~~/…FOR YOUR FORKED, STATIONARY LOCATION…HAS FINALLY BEEN CONSTRUED!/~~ The walls of the cave begin to constrict and contract as if alive. Like helpless prey, the cave around you starts to swallow, pushing you deeper into its gullet… No. You’re walking forward. And you can’t stop it. ~~/BEHOLD, AS THE VERY REALITY YOU CHERISH IS IMPINGED…/~~ It’s impossible to know where you’re going now. The luminescence spell is nowhere near you. The dark magic infects all of your senses. Sight. Smell. Hearing. All things you’ve prided yourself on in contrast with your diurnal counterparts, stripped away and defiled by that dark magic. But none of this is nearly as terrible as a stray thought. ”…S-Serendipity?” you call out in the darkness, your voice barely audible in your own ears. “Where are you?” ~~/FOR IT WILL PERSIST TO OCCUR, AT YOUR VERY TARGET’S WHIM!/~~ “Serene?!” you call out, louder. Your throat is as dry as a Saddle Arabian desert. The bitter stench of dark magic and smoke invades every orifice. Your ears are useless, barely even registering your own voice. Still, you call out. “SERENE, WHERE ARE YOU?! LUNA-DAMNIT! SERENE!!” You bare your fangs and raise your hackles. ”CUT THE MIND GAMES, YOU COWARD!” you shriek, your voice echoing off of the walls— Wait. The dark magic is gone. The dizziness is gone. Your senses are back to normal… But where are you? You find yourself in what would look like the well-used room of an ancient, magically consumed sorceress, if that sorceress had replaced all the mare-made cobblestone with more its more natural state. You’re still in the cave; you know that. But the way this cavern gives way to a large, almost colosseum-like dome… The many green, fluctuating portals littering the ground and walls and washing the cavern in a haunting light… The bubbling cauldron in the center of the room, dark magic bellowing out of its opening… It enraptures you, for a moment. For a moment. “Serene?!” you shout, frantically searching around yourself. Fortunately, you don’t have to search very long. Your team is lying around you, also groaning as they recover from the mindbuck they just experienced. You’d be confused as to why Soldier is also here with your team, but you’re quickly preoccupied. Once you locate her, you’re immediately by your sister’s side, helping her up. Serendipity blinks owlishly as you do this, studying you. Something is definitely wrong with her, but you don’t have time to ask her. ~~/YOU ARE CORRECT, LITTLE PONY. NAUGHT WOULD BE AS UNFAIR TO FIGHT A FOE UNCLEAR…/~~ The bubbling from the cauldron increases in intensity. You, and the rest of your team, take an unsteady step back. Midnight Blossom stays put however, glaring at the cauldron as a sickly green goo suddenly erupts from it, dark magic gushing from the spectacle, filling the ceiling of the room. As the fountain of goo climaxes and sunders down the cauldron’s edges, the shape of a cloaked figure emerges from the goo. As it lifts its head slowly, the voice comes again, louder than ever. ~~/SO COWER IN EARNEST, MORTALS!/~~ The figure slowly levitates from the cauldron, the hood on its head sliding back to reveal the head of a black stallion. A black, hornless stallion. ~~/FOR MERRRRASMUS IS HERE! AHAHAHAHAHA!/~~ The stallion throws his head back and cackles manically, his blistering laughter filling the cavern like a noxious gas-- "Hello, Merasmus!" Jane pipes up. ~~/Oh, hello Soldier. AHAHAHAHAHAHA--!~~/ Suddenly, Merasmus stops laughing. In fact, Merasmus stops... doing pretty much everything. For a long time he floats there, mid-pose, dark magic still pooling around him, until he finally peaks down at your little group. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. In the span of five seconds, you can accurately make out all five stages of grief as they flash across the wizard's face. All of this, while he stares at Soldier, currently waving at him with a Cheshire grin. Finally, Merasmus turns to Midnight Blossom. ~~/Merasmus will pay whatever taxes the IRS demands as long as he never sees this cretin's face again./~~ You share an incredulous look with the rest of your team, minus Midnight Blossom. She’s currently staring at Meramus, one owlishly long blink her only reaction. ”…Okay," she says neutrally. ”Aw, don’t be like that, Merasmus!” Solly chides, approaching the magically enshrouded, all-powerful wizard without a care in the world. “C’mon! Ask how your roomie’s day went! I sure am curious how yours went!” Merasmus doesn’t react to Soldier as the exuberant pony approaches him, instead keeping steady eye contact with Midnight. ”…The IRS demands you stop with your diabolical machinations,” Midnight Blossom says coolly. “…And relinquish your magic, before facing justice.” At this, a wicked grin crawls across Merasmus’ face. ~~/Oh… You're one of those heroes, here to stop my diabolical machinations?/~~ Merasmus puts a hoof on his chin as he floats over to your group. Unfortunately, this puts him at the same level as Soldier, who immediately starts jumping in front of his face. ”Meraaaaaasmuuuuus! Are you ignoring me?!” Besides a twitch of an eye, Merasmus shows no acknowledgement of Soldier. The latter huffs as the wizard merely phases through him, prompting your team to take another step back as he approaches. Midnight, however, remains steadfast. ~~/Hmmm.../~~ Merasmus goads, his sickly green eyes never leaving Midnight’s. ~~/Stopping my diabolical machinations… On one hand, it would relieve my schedule from the hourly soul-stealing of the heroes who invade my lair…--/~~ It could’ve been your imagination, but you swear you see Merasmus’ eyes briefly glow with menacing intent. ~~/--But on the other…/~~ ”Merasmus!" Soldier hollers, "I think this priceless-looking, antique lamp might be enchanted to make you unable to see me! I’ll save you, roomie!” Crash! ~~/Deal,/~~ Merasmus suddenly quips, reaching a hoof towards Midnight Blossom. If Midnight were about to take up Merasmus on his deal, you’d never know. Because suddenly the room, and everything and everypony within it, is engulfed in a tsunami of rainbow light. You immediately hiss and cover your eyes as the deafening sound of sunlight and friendship boom from all angles. For the second time too many, your senses are once again stripped from you in the raucous chaos. As suddenly as it started, the room is finally silent, apart from that Luna-damn ringing. You creak open your eyes to see that the rest of your team isn’t doing much better. Furtive Wind is currently holding her ears as she tries desperately not to cry out from the pain. Silhouette is immediately helping the rest of team recover. Midnight Blossom is hunched over on the ground as she stares daggers at something behind you. Serendipity— …is just fine, actually. In fact, she’s giving each of you a perplexed look. What? ”Uh, Twilight?!” comes a voice that is very quickly earning its spot on the list of the most grating noises you’ve ever heard. Your head snaps back to glare at the six most overrated national heroes in Equestria. ”Th-this usually works!” Twilight panics, staring up at the Element of Harmony on her head. “Oh my Celestia, this usually works…” ~~/…Merasmus is confused,/~~ Merasmus eventually says. ~~/Any of this making sense to you, secret partner in crime?/~~ You turn back to Merasmus, who is giving Serendipity a questioning look. Serendipity, meanwhile, is giving Merasmus a look which suggests he just slapped a cigarette out of her mouth and told her, “Just gave you an extra month of life. That’ll be ten bits.” …Now that you think about it, it does smell like somepony’s smoking. ”…Merde,” Serendipity says in a voice that isn’t hers. Suddenly, your sister lurches towards you and wraps her hooves around your neck. You start to yelp, but it quickly turns into a desperate gag for breath. Serendipity turns you toward the shocked faces of your team as she drags you away from the group, her arm wrapped tightly around your-- Wait. The forearm that’s making it incredibly hard to breath isn’t the shade of dark pink your sister adorns. It’s a navy blue, and the stench of smoke is now invading your nose until there’s nothing else you can smell. As your team makes a move for you, you suddenly feel something sharp press against your throat. This stops your team’s advance. You are a Night Guard specialist. You’ve been trained in Artis K’ugnae on a professional level. Your senses are more attuned and sharper than any Daydweller could ever dream of. But the way this pony is holding you upright puts you in a position you’ve never been trained in before, and the knife at your throat keeps you at bay. You feel so useless right now. The Elements of Harmony stare at you, wide-eyed, before Rarity speaks up. ”Oh, my goodness! You must be the stallion who we heard laughing! It’s okay, darling! There’s no need to panic!” … Sun-bucking… WHITE-KNIGHTESSING… DAYDWELLER REDBACKS!! “HE’S HOLDING A LUNA-DAMN KNIFE TO MY THROAT YOU MORONS!” you shout. Or, you wish desperately you could shout. It’s hard to even breath right now. ”HEY!” Soldier yells, pointing an accusatory hoof at whoever has a hold on your neck. “LET THAT BAT-HORSE-LADY GO, YOU--…” You can hear the stallion behind you let out a low chuckle. ”YOU--…” Solly tries again, before his face slowly morphs into a grimace. “…WHOEVER YOU ARE!!” The low chuckle beside you abruptly ends. ”You don’t recognize me?” the stallion asks, his husky voice thick with a Prench accent. “…You seriously don’t recognize me?” ”I RECOGNIZE YOU AS SOMEONE WHO’S GONNA GET HIS TEETH KICKED IN IF HE HURTS FASTWEED!” The stallion lets out a throaty groan. “…You couldn’t stop ranting about me in the woods when you met that thestral over ther-- why is there a pineapple in her mane?” Squeak! ”SO YOU’RE A LYIN’ JOKESTER WHO’S GONNA GET HIS TEETH KICKED IN IF HE HURTS FASTWEED!" Jane bellows, "I know who you’re talking about, and that French son of a bitch wouldn’t be seen by his loving grandmother if he wasn’t wearing that ski mask and three-thousand dollar suit he’s so proud of!” ”It. Ripped,” the stallion snarls each word through his teeth. “…During the transformation.” ”Excuses, excuses! I thought a gentleman spared no expense for fashion!” You can hear the stallion beside you rolling his eyes. You narrow yours in turn. “Where’s Serendipity?” you growl, even as the acrid smell of your own blood fills your nostrils. “Where’s my Luna-damn sister?” ”She is unharmed,” the stranger assures you, frustrated. “Now keep your muzzle shut. This won’t take long…” With a resigned groan, the stallion… …snorts. Like, really obnoxiously and exaggeratedly. …The buck-- “LOOK OUT, FASTWEED!" Soldier suddenly shouts, pointing a dramatic hoof at the stallion behind you. "IT’S SPY!” ”…Whatever,” Spy sighs, before turning to Merasmus. “Oh, I appreciate the psychological damage, by the way. Any reason you’re so silent now, wizard?” ~~/Merasmus doesn’t get to watch his Latin American soap operas here, so he’ll take any interpersonal drama he can get. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MERASMUS’ PREFERRED FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT! MERASMUS SEES NOW THE PURPOSE OF THESE PONIES’ VISIT! THEY WISH TO STOP HIS DIABOLICAL MACHINATIONS./~~ ”WAIT A MINUTE!" Jane explodes, "MERASMUS! WHAT’RE YOU DOING TEAMING UP WITH SPY?!” ~~/Don't talk to him.../~~ you hear Merasmus mutter to himself as he subtly turns away from Soldier. ~~/You'll only encourage him…/~~ ”Wait another minute!” you hear Twilight gasp. “Y-… you’re BOTH STALLIONS?!” ”Yes, thank God,” Spy sighs. ~~/MERASMUS IS INDEED MALE! NOW COWER, FOOLS! AS I--/~~ ”Oh, my goodness!” Twilight says as she trots into the large cavern, followed closely by the Elements of Simpery. “I’m so sorry, this must be a terrible misunderstanding! You see, we heard reports that there was a crazy wizard here, but--… Oh, this isn’t for your dainty stallion mind. Just come with us, and we’ll talk to the Princess about getting you some much-needed therapy!” ~~/…OKAY WOW, MERASMUS IS ACTUALLY VERY OFFENDED BY YOUR WORDS, MORTAL./~~ As the Elements of Harmony make a complete joke out of Equestrian diplomacy, your focus returns to Spy. “…What do you mean Serendipity is unharmed?” you sneer. “She’s a Night Guard. A fangbearer at that. She could snap your redback spine in half if she wanted to.” ”Actually, I didn’t have much trouble with her,” Spy says, only slightly interested in what you had to say. “…The buck does that mean?” ”MERASMUS!" Soldier, in the meanwhile, is screaming, "ANSWER MY QUESTION! WHY ARE YOU WORKING WITH SPY?! IS HE TEACHING YOU THAT TERRIBLE, FRENCH-VOODOO MAGIC THEY CALL THEIR WRITTEN LANGUAGE?!” ~~/Ignore him, Merasmus... Remember your blood pressure.../~~ ”She asked me to choke her,” Spy remarks matter-of-factly. … Yeah, there is that. Luna almighty, you need to snag a stallion and get Serene into your herd, and fast. She’s bucking hopeless. ”Oh, that cloak you’re garnishing is simply dreadful!" Rarity stammers. "However long have you been down here, dear? I solemnly promise to put this traumatic experience at the back of your mind, and bring out the handsome stallion underneath all of those rags!” ~~/ENOUGH BABBLE, FOOLS! YOUR IGNORANT BIASES HAVE COST YOU THIS MATCH…/~~ Before Merasmus can continue, he's interrupted by Soldier. ”You gotta stop with the rhyming, Merasmus! It creeps other people out! See, this is why I’m your only friend!” ~~/Pleasestoptalkingpleasestoptalkingpleasestoptalking.../~~ ”Aww, you’re just a big ol’ softie, aren’t you Roomie? I know you care! Remember that time I broke my elbow fixing your cauldron, and you used all that mana to fi—” Before Soldier can finish that word, there is a bright green flash and the sound of what could only be described as a child’s death rattle fills the room. Merasmus immediately reappears in front of Soldier, the green ambient magic around his figure roaring in a silent inferno. ~~/YOU WERE THE ONE WHO BROKE THE CAULDRON IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOU, AND YOUR MANY, MANY PET RACCOONS I HAD NO SAY IN KEEPING WITHIN MY QUARTERS! AND YOU DIDN’T JUST BREAK YOUR ELBOW, YOUR ENTIRE BODY HAD BEEN DISMANTLED ON AN ATOMIC LEVEL BY THE DARK MAGIC FROM WITHIN! IF I HADN’T PULLED YOU FROM YOUR MISERABLE, DIM-WITTED FATE, YOUR ESSENCE WOULD HAVE CONTAMINATED THE FINAL POTION! AND IF I HADN’T FIXED YOUR BLASTED ELBOW, THE MEDICAL BILL WOULD HAVE GUTTED ME!~~ "Would have gutted US, you mean!" ~~/"WHEN, IN ALL OF THE CURSED, WRETCHED WEEKS WE HAVE SPENT TOGETHER, HAVE YOU EVER MADE ANY KIND OF FINANCIAL INVESTMENT INTO OUR HOME?!/~~ "I pay with friendship! In full! Every day we spend together!" Merasmus is stock still for a solid ten seconds before Soldier turns towards you and your team, a big ol’ grin on his face. "See? I told you we get along like two peas in a pot!" ~~/NOOOOOOOO!/~~ The animalistic yowl which jets from Merasmus’ throat shakes the very foundation of the cave. ~~/NO! NO, NO, NO! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU BABBLING, JINGOISTIC, UN-BEARABLE IDIOT! CAN YOU LAST ONE DAY WITHOUT DESTROYING AN ANCIENT ARTIFACT OF MASS MAGICAL DESTRUCTION?! AN HOUR WITHOUT SCREAMING PARAGRAPHS OF UNINTELLIGABLE NONSENSE?! A MINUTE WITHOUT MAKING EVERYBODY AROUND YOU MISERABLE?! OH, YOU STUPID, STUPID MORTAL! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER OVER-PATRIOTIC SECOND WITH YOU! NOT ANOTHER SECOND, I SAY! DON’T YOU GET IT, SOLDIER?! I CREATED THIS PORTAL TO ESCAPE FROM YOU! FOR GOD'S SAKE, LEAVE ME AND MY EVILDOINGS ALONE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN! WHEREVER YOUR TEAM IS, I BET MY CENTURIES OF MAGICAL KNOWLEDGE THAT THEY ARE THANKING THE STARS ABOVE THAT THEY ARE FINALLY RID OF YOUR INSUFFERABLE BABBLING! MERASMUS IS WILLING TO BET HALF OF HIS EVIL THOMES THAT THEY WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND SAY TO THEMSELVES, 'OH WOW, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AND PEACEFUL DAY WITHOUT THAT SOLDIER FOOL! MY TINITUS IS FINALLY STARTING TO HEAL NOW THAT SOLDIER IS GONE!' HEED MY WORDS, JANE DOE! NOBODY WANTS, WANTED, OR WILL WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA SAY IT! I DON'T CARE THAT YOU BROKE YOUR ELBOOOOOOOOOOW!~~ Merasmus shakes with a barely contained fury as his fuming eyes stare at Soldier like two burning coals. As the last of Merasmus’ rant’s echoes die out, the cavern falls into silence. All anypony can do is simply stare between Merasmus and Soldier. You can even feel the pressure on your neck momentarily subside as Spy gawks. The absence of an immediate retort from Soldier makes you do a mental double take. You turn towards Jane, and... ...he's silent. For a long while Soldier doesn't respond, staring at Merasmus' shaking, enraged, honest face. With a frown so subtle a Daydweller wouldn't be able to see it, Soldier eventually just lowers his head. ”…Jane?” You’re surprised to hear Midnight Blossom’s voice be the first to break the silence. You peel your eyes from the scene of statues before you to look at your captain, currently beside Soldier, wings lowered, head bowed in a sympathetic gesture. The look on her face pierces your hear— ~~/SURPRISE ATTACK!/~~ Suddenly, a stream of dark green magic is sent careening from Merasmus’ outstretched hoof. None of you have time to react as it slams into Soldier, sending him flying into a green portal in the wall behind him. With a splash from the green goo and a magical hiss, Soldier is gone. ”JANE!” Midnight screams, but it is overlapped by the booming hysterics of Merasmus. ”Putain d’imbécile,” you hear Spy mutter from behind. Without any other option, the Elements of Harmony crouch into a battle stance. Your team is quick to follow, the sharp sound of five trained thestrals hissing only accentuating the howling wizard. As his dark magic gathers behind Merasmus’ floating figure, the wizard’s cackling subsides as he gives each pony in the room a glowing glare. ~~/COWER, FOOLS! FOR MERRRRRASMUS… IS HERE!!/~~