Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
With a loud grunt, Homer kicked the door open and rushed inside, wearing a cooking pot on his head with nearly a dozen pillows lashed around his body. “CLEAR!”
From behind him Rarity poked her head out, similarly attired as she swept her gaze over the interior of the Carousel Boutique. “No sign of her yet. What now?”
“You go this way, I’ll go that way, and for god’s sake maintain visual! If we split up, the odds of one or both of us getting killed are going to skyrocket.” Homer explained with dead seriousness.
Rarity gulped.
Going in opposite directions Homer and Rarity made a slow circling of the room, their eyes darting this way and that. Homer suddenly saw a shadow move underneath the curtains of a nearby window and held up a fist for Rarity to freeze.
Very slowly, and as quietly as someone his size and weight could realistically manage, Homer tiptoed towards the window while Rarity watched. The closer he got to the window, the more she visibly perspired.
Finally, when Homer felt he was close enough, he went for it. “Ah-HAH!” He cried, throwing open the curtains to reveal...an empty windowsill. “Huh, I could have sworn I-”
A sudden sound made Homer and Rarity’s blood run cold, moreso the former given it was right next to his ear. It was a low drawn out hiss, like some terrible reptile.
Slowly, without turning his head so much as an inch, Homer looked over and saw Rarity’s cat Opalescence hanging from underneath a curtain with her claws, fur fluffed up and fangs bared.
“Clever girl…” He said with a touch of respect, eyes narrowing.
With a shrill yowl Opal launched herself at Homer’s face. Homer’s ensuing scream of pain mixed with raw terror was just as shrill.
“Opalescence no! Bad kitty!” Rarity shouted.
“SHOOT HER!” Homer screamed as he desperately tried to keep Opal’s flailing claws away from his face. “SHOOOOOT HERRRRRR!!!!”
There was a puff of air and a whistling sound before a dart appeared in the cat’s neck. Opal’s eyes dilated and then rolled up in their sockets as with a mewl she fell off Homer and hit the floor face first..
Homer sat up and panted for breath while Rarity lowered the blowgun Sweetiebelle had let her borrow. “Hahhh...hahhhh...think that did the trick?”
“Hmmm, well just to be safe…” Rarity said before reloading her blowgun while Homer grabbed his. Without hesitation they put another two darts in the cat’s neck sending her into a brief fit of muscle spasms.
“Yeah that should do it, let’s get her in the bath.”
Sometime later after Rarity had swabbed Homer’s arms and face for scratches from her cat’s claws, they took the feline in question upstairs to give her a long overdue wash.
“Oh Homer I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me that you were willing to help me get Opalescence cleaned up.” Rarity said as she used her magic to apply several brushes to the cat while Homer held her up so she didn’t sink under the water in her current drugged state.
“Normally I’d ask Fluttershy to help but she’s busy today along with just about everypony else and I dreaded the idea of trying to get her in the bath all by myself. The last time I tried, she somehow wound up with her claws tangled in my hair.” Rarity shuddered at the memory.
“Ouch, though I can’t say I’d mind having hair long enough to get a cat tangled in,” Homer said as he ran a hand over the last few hairs on his head with a wistful sigh. “Sadly the days of a combover are long gone for me.”
Rarity blinked before looking up at Homer in surprise. “You mean you used to have more hair? I wasn’t sure if that was the normal amount for a male Kwyjbo.”
“Nah, just like ponies we have hair in all kinds of styles and lengths. I used to have a nice full head of chestnut brown hair back in my prime.”
Rarity’s eyes shone with a rather unique sympathy. Being as attached to her fabulous mane as she was, it was easy for Rarity to see how losing his hair would have been a heavy blow for Homer. “I’m so sorry I had no idea. May I ask what happened?”
“Oh I ripped it out the first two times my wife told me she was pregnant.” Homer said, and his tone was so casual it took the little unicorn a moment to really register what she had just heard.
“You what?” She asked in a flat tone.
“Well that was the first thing I did anyway. The second thing I did was run up the stairs screaming and hid in the bedroom closet.” Homer explained. “I have a stash of snacks hidden away in there I keep for emergencies.”
Rarity blinked slowly. “Forgive me if this sounds judgmental, dear, but shouldn’t finding out you are about to have a child be a cause for, I don’t know, joy and excitement?”
“Oh absolutely but that comes later. The first thing a male experiences when he finds out he’s going to be a father is pure, blind, bone deep panic.”
“Is having children really that terrifying?” Rarity asked.
“Well do you want a quick wiseass answer or something with a little more depth?”
Rarity arched a delicate brow. “I think I might benefit more from the latter than the former.”
“Fair enough. Just give me a second to think it over.” Homer said before he went very quiet and started staring off at nothing in particular. Frankly It wasn’t hard to imagine the sound of a dial up connection coming out of his ears.
Just when Rarity was starting to get a little worried Homer blinked a few times. “Okay I think I got something.” He said before he wiggled around to keep his legs from falling asleep after spending so much time on his knees holding Opal.
“So think of it like this, having kids is like having the entire center of your world suddenly shift. Up to that point a lot of your decisions are made around what’s best for you. What benefits you, what to avoid, who you consider important you want to stay close to, stuff like that.”
“But suddenly...you aren’t the most important thing in your world anymore. Now there’s this little tiny critter you helped create looking up at you like nothing else matters and it’s...it just changes you on a level you never thought was possible.”
“Suddenly you aren’t just thinking about what’s best for you, but what’s best for your family. It’s not that you don’t still enjoy the same things you did before, in fact in a way you come to cherish them even more because of how much less free time you have from now on.”
Rarity was still brushing Opal as she listened genuinely enraptured. “I see. I’ve watched the Cakes with their children and it always struck me just how much work seems to be involved in raising them.”
“Oh yeah. Take it from me Rarity, anybody who tells you raising children is a cinch is so full of crap it should be dribbling out their ears...uh, sorry I probably should have tried something a little less graphic.” Homer said noticing the little unicorn scrunch up her nose at the mental image.
“Well at the very least you are speaking with the passion of experience.” Rarity conceded.
“Passion? Yes. Experience? No. Like most things in life my approach to child rearing is a day by day scramble by the seat of my pants not to screw up in the most spectacular way possible. And you know what? It’s hard. It’s really, really, really hard.”
“I mean my son Bart is a force for chaos, my oldest daughter Lisa is so smart just about everything she says goes right over my head, and my youngest daughter Maggie can barely walk and she’s already shot my boss and hit me in the head with a mallet.”
“Good heavens, I don’t envy what any of them are going to be like as teenagers.” Rarity admitted.
“Yeah there’s a lot of dreams about that, they usually end with me waking up screaming drenched in a cold sweat.” Homer admitted. “Plus keep in mind even before I even met Marge I had a hard time keeping things alive. I killed my goldfish, my Chia Pet, my Jurassic Park Tamagotchi and even my pet rock.”
Truth be told Rarity could only recognize two of the things Homer had listed so she went with what seemed the most peculiar. “How exactly does one ‘kill’ a pet rock?”
“I thought if there was a geode inside I could sell it for cash so I hit it with a hammer.” Homer admitted with a sigh.
Rarity made a mental note not to mention this to Pinkie Pie’s sister Maude.
“Lots of parents have these big long term plans for their kids like what college they want to get them into, what they might do for a career etc etc. But for me all I can hope for is usually just to go to bed with the same number of kids I had when I woke up that morning.”
“But you know what? I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.”
Rarity blinked. “Really? But you just spent so much time complaining about being a father.”
“Well yeah, but you don’t complain about something you don’t care about. I mean, I bitch about my job all the time to my wife but I still go in every day. You mean to tell me you haven’t had days making dresses where you could just spit nails?”
“Ah, touche.” Rarity said, bowing her head in a gesture of respect. “So what you are saying is being a parent is a labor of love?”
“Absolutely!” Homer said. “I mean sure I gripe about my kids, I cut corners when I’m pressed for time, and I’m pretty sure Child Services has a file on me that’s as fat as a phone book. But I still do the best I can to raise them right, hoping they might make a few less of the mistakes I did growing up.”
“So someday if you meet a nice guy and you break the news to him that he’s going to be a dad, it’s perfectly normal for his first reaction is to run away screaming. But if they come back afterwards that’s how you know they’re a keeper.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Rarity said, her expression turning thoughtful again. “Honestly I’ve only just begun to think about, well, starting a family someday,” Rarity’s cheeks turned a bit red. “I can’t begin to imagine who I might wish to settle down with.”
“Actually that reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to ask you Rarity,” Homer said. “You know that little dragon Spike’s got a thing for you right?”
The scrubbing brushes stopped in mid stroke as Rarity gave Homer a flat look. “Goodness gracious Homer, whatever gave you that idea?” She intoned in a dull tone.
“Well it’s the little things really. The hearts that appear over his head whenever he sees you, the constant dreamy sighs, the levitating several inches off the ground in your wake a-” Homer stopped when he noticed Rarity’s eyebrow was climbing rapidly. “Oh, you were being sarcastic.”
“Yes, yes I was.” Rarity let a coy smile play along her face.
“I guess I was just wondering how you felt about him. I_I know it’s none of my business but, the thing is a while back my son Bart got a crush on an older girl and he took it pretty hard when it didn’t work out between them.” Homer said before he sighed. “I guess I just don’t like the idea of Spike going through the same thing.”
Judging from Rarity’s expression she hadn’t been expecting that for a reason behind Homer’s question, and she actually found it rather touching. She regarded Homer in silence for a moment before she smiled.
“Alright Homer, since you were willing to open up about being a father I suppose I can give you an honest answer, but not one word to Spike about this alright?” Rarity said, her eyes narrowing a bit.
It took all of a few seconds for Homer to recite the Pinky Promise. Sooner or later he was going to have to sit down and make a list of how many of them he had made so far.
“The thing is it’s not that I don’t adore Spike, but the situation between us is...complicated.” Rarity said before she noticed the look Homer was giving her. “Alright I suppose you deserve an answer with a little more detail than that. How about this, back on Earth do you have age of consent laws?”
“Well yeah, obviously you don’t want to have a kid get into a relationship with an older person before they really understand what it’s all...ohh now I get what you are saying.” Homer said as he caught on halfway through talking.
“Yeah Spike did mention he was around twelve, so just how old are y-” Homer stopped talking as he noticed the little white unicorn was glaring daggers at him.
“Care to finish that sentence Homer?” Rarity said in a tone as cold as ice, her eyes narrowed to little slits.
“Uhh...no, I sense I’ve made a mistake somehow.” Homer said, looking over at the bathroom window as if weighing the option to jump out of it as a means of escape from the irate pony.
Rarity continued to glare at him for a moment before she allowed the corner of her mouth to lift up. “That little voice in the back of your head that just told you to stop before you said something you would most certainly regret? Nurture it, care for it, and I promise you it will serve you in good stead as a husband and a gentleman alike.”
“Yes ma’am.” Homer said softly.
His answer seemed to satisfy Rarity as some of the tension left her. “Anyway, without going into the particulars, the age gap between me and Spike right now is enough that getting romantically involved with him would open Spike up to a great deal of unwanted attention.”
“Granted I’m no stranger to being on the receiving end of the occasional bit of small town gossip but I refuse to put Spike in any kind of situation where he would endure that kind of scrutiny and judgment from others. He’s been my bedrock through more than one crisis, real or self exaggerated and I simply care too much about my little drake to do anything that might hurt him.”
“Which is all fair enough, but couldn’t you simply wait a few years for Spike to get a little older and then see where things go from there?” Homer asked.
“I could, and I’m not saying it’s out of the question to do just that,” Rarity said. “But if living in Ponyville has taught me anything it’s that there’s simply no way of knowing what the future might hold. In the time between now and when Spike would be old enough for me to even consider courting, all manner of things might happen.”
“I mean, perhaps as Spike grows older he grows out of his feelings for me and begins to take an interest in finding a female dragon, or maybe I might find someone I might become romantically interested in myself. There are so many possibilities between now and then, and the last time I thought I had things all planned out with someone I was romantically interested in, it blew up in just about the most spectacular fashion possible.”
“Really?” Homer asked his curiosity well and truly piqued now.
“Mmm-hmm. There was a member of the Canterlot nobility I was simply enthralled with by the name of Prince Blueblood. He was everything I thought I had ever wanted from a love interest from the time I was a starstruck filly dreaming of being swept off my hooves by my prince charming.”
“Then one night the stars seemed to align. I was invited to the annual Grand Galloping Gala by Twilight and there I met him, Prince Blueblood in the flesh! Oh he was even more handsome then I had imagined! Those long flowing golden locks, those piercing arctic blue eyes!”
“Not to mention a flank you could bounce a bit off of,” Rarity added her expression downright dreamy at the memory. She was snapped out of her reminiscing by the sound of Homer giving a sexy growl.
“What? He sounds like a catch. I mean gender schmender, a nice ass is a nice ass.” Homer said in what, to him at least, was likely meant to be words of wisdom.
“I never thought of it that way but I suppose I can’t argue with that.” Rarity said, giving a small amused titter. “I doubt I would have put it in quite those exact words though.” Truth be told there was something...liberating about being this open about the subject with someone.
“So what happened with Blueblood? Did he turn out to be gay?”
Rarity gave a less than delicate snort. “No, honestly that would have been a far better consolation than what actually happened. At least then I could entertain myself with thoughts of him necking with some equally dashing stallion.” Rarity paused as her eyes seemed to grow distant again before a gentle cough from Homer snapped her out of...whatever she may have been thinking.
“Oh! Sorry got a bit sidetracked,” Rarity said blushing. “But no, what happened was I learned the bitter truth about even the loveliest of backsides.”
“Which is?” Homer asked.
Rarity’s expression turned flat and annoyed. “There’s always an asshole attached.”
Homer gave a wince. “Oof, I think I can see where this is going.”
“Mmm-hmm. He was absolutely unbearable. He was self absorbed, shallow, vain, a total cheapskate, and he used me as a shield from a flying cake and ruined the dress I had worked so hard to make just for the Gala!”
Homer let out a horrified gasp. “And he didn’t even try to save your dress or a perfectly good cake?! That bastard!” He snarled.
Rarity had to smile at Homer’s reaction. “Believe me, had I known what the night was going to be like with him, I would have happily spent it with Spike instead, even as simply friends. But yes, it was a harsh lesson not to simply assume life is going to go according to some sort of plan.”
“So as far as things with Spike goes, right now I am taking the road less travelled. I am continuing to cherish his friendship, while simultaneously leaving the possibility open that one day it might become something...more. It’s not easy, and there have been plenty of times I’ve wondered if I shouldn’t make a decision one way or another. But right now my gut tells me this is the right path to take so I’m willing to wait and see.”
“And who knows? In a few years when Spike has grown older and more mature, if neither of us has found anyone of interest I…” Rarity trailed off her cheeks turning a lovely shade of red. “I might one day see my little gentledrake as the prince charming I always dreamed of.”
“Awww, well regardless of what happens Spike’s lucky to have you in his life.” Homer said giving Rarity a hug she was more than happy to return.
Rarity suddenly thought of something. “...Wait Homer, how can you be holding Opal above the water if we’re hugging?”
Homer blinked before he glanced over and noticed some bubbles forming in the water where Opal had just been. “Uh-oh.”