Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat


Lethal Force

I seemed to be in a minor pickle.

I had been, for lack of a better word, skinny-dipping; my clothes, gizmos, gems, wireless, and Chekov were all neatly folded up in a basket back by the Mikoyan. I still wasn't fully recovered from my medical experiment - I wasn't about to fall right over, but my body didn't really have any reserves yet. Stoke was MIA - presumably, pulled down into a hidden tunnel. Cloud Bouncer was distracted by being in the middle of a squawking flock of gulls, Armina and Amethyst were inland, and everypony else was on the Mikoyan. In addition to my usual goal-set, I wanted to avoid enslavement by the three-or-more diamond dogs who'd netted me, recover Stoke if possible, and generally get back on track.

The primary strategy that came to mind: stall, until Bouncer could see what was going on and call for reinforcements.

The net covering me wasn't really tight; I couldn't move from the spot I was on, but my legs weren't bound up. I guessed that none of the diamond dogs wanted to try to carry me, and were hoping to goad me to follow them back to their home. So I drew a page from some of the civil rights activists I admired most, and, carefully, folded my legs underneath me, lying down on the spot of sand I'd been netted on.

This provoked a squabble of annoyed but hushed whispers from behind me. I felt one of them shove me from behind, then prod my rear, then poke it with a claw... then give me a good, sharp kick. I grunted at that last one, but managed to avoid pulling away. After a few more whispers, I heard footsteps - and one walked in front of me. It looked like, of all things, a golden retriever - an extremely filthy one, wearing a moth-eaten vest and studded collar, but still with that retriever head shape and fur that looked like it could be blonde if given a bath or three. He gave the netting a tug, then a pull. He grabbed some of the seagrass, pulled it out of the sand, and waved it in front of my nose. I just kept staring at him.

He wandered back behind me, and there was more whispering. I managed to make out words that might have been 'potion' and 'drag it', so it seemed time to up the stakes slightly.

"If you're just about done trying to kidnap me," I said aloud, "just how big of a ransom are you going to be asking for?"

The whisperers were completely silent for a long few seconds, before breaking out into a confused, overlapping gabble.


Three tricks later, and I was finally able to turn around far enough to see that Bouncer wasn't anywhere in the sky - hopefully, she was reporting back to Captain Red. I only had to keep stalling for a few more minutes, and-

"Enough!" bellowed the tall skinny one, to both the short one and the wide one. "She is a cow! She is trying to confuse us! And it is working! Stop listening! Bind her mouth! Bring her home!"

So much for stalling. Even with the trio right next to me, I couldn't tell where the tunnel they'd popped out of was; if they pulled me in, Red and the gang might never find me. With the net, I couldn't run, I couldn't hide; I'd run out of tricks, I couldn't negotiate any further, I had no intention of surrendering...

I noticed that I had stood back up, without making any conscious decision to do so. I also noticed that I'd lowered my head, and was taking big deep breaths. And then I stopped noticing, stopped thinking, and simply acted.


I was inhaling in great gulps - and in the air was the scent of blood. My limbs were quivering, but I was still standing... unlike the two forms lying in the sand before me. The third was nowhere in sight.

There was a flutter of wings, and Bouncer landed in front of me. "Oh," she said. "Guess you didn't need us after all." She shoved at one body with a hoof - it was the tall one - and it whimpered, clutching at its belly, which was... ugly. I noticed my usually white horns were now both quite red.

"Get the medkit. And my gems," I said.

"What?"

"NOW!"

She disappeared as quickly as if my very voice had blown her away.

I shifted my hooves, so that I could look at the other one - the wide one - and winced. Something I'd done had made a ruin of his forehead. He wasn't breathing.

Blanche arrived, carrying my bundle of clothes and stuff. "Work on him," I said, pointing with a hoof at the one with the gut wound. "Keep him alive," I was rummaging for my first gem. "Staunch the bleeding, I'll get to him when I can."

I grabbed some purple shiny thing with a hoof, and put it on the other one's chest, holding it there with a hoof... and I tried to remember every Latin-based medical term I could think of. "Cardio, pulsere," I hazarded, thinking of his heart beating. Remembering 'cardiopulmonary system' and 'respiration', I tried for, "Pulmones, respire." I continued with that for a few more variations, before finally hitting the right ones - or at least some workable ones - his chest started rising and falling, and his head wound started leaking again... and I started trying to think of the medical jargon for clotting and healing.

Gallant called out, "He's seizing!" and I turned my attention to the other one.

"Switch," I said, "and don't dislodge that gem." I grabbed another one, and tried the only word that came to mind: "Pax," 'peace'. "Vivere," I added: 'live'.

He blinked his eyes open, and looked up at me. "Stopped hurting," he said. "Thank you. Why?"

"I'm trying to fix you," I said - the most obvious and true statement, but one that only covered a fraction of what was going through my mind.

"I can see my guts," he said. "I'm going to die. Just... don't let it start hurting again, please?"

I thought that he was acting like a kicked puppy, begging its owner not to do it again. That's all the three of them were, really - complaining about cheese while raiding? That was an absolutely cartoonish thing to do, something that, in a universe without narrative causality, would get them killed before they ever had a chance to grow up.

My head twitched to the left, as I abruptly had an insight. It might not be true - but it fit with everything I'd learned so far... and if I was wrong, the worst that would happen would be that everyone would think I was somewhat crazier than before.

I lifted my head and looked away from the diamond dogs; from the ponies who trusted me enough to work on saving them, at my word, without questioning why; to where some invisible watcher might have a good view of everything going on.

I whispered, low enough that nopony nearby could hear me, but I wasn't trying to speak to them. "I don't know what sort of narrative arc you're trying to establish here, with me killing these two - but if there's some way that you can make the point without them dying - without them being treated as just some wandering monsters to bash and forget - then, please. Or if you can make some different point, instead. Whatever we all are to you - to me, they're just as much people as anyone else I know... and yeah, they were stupid - but I don't want them to die just to make a story more poignant, or dramatic, or something. I'm not trying to bargain, or make an offer, or anything like that, I'm just... asking. Begging. Just... please."

I didn't actually know if anyone was listening - or watching, or reading, or running some ultra version of The Sims - but I knew that the hole in this guy's stomach had as much of an outline as everything else... among other details... so, I hoped that if anyone was... that knowing my words would make a difference.


I kept on working feverishly. Pushing out foreign matter and infection. Sealing torn flesh. Calling upon generic 'healing' magic. Everything I could think of, everything any of the other ponies could think of.

It got dark; gem-torches were lit.

The tall one watched what was going on, and after a while, he said where the opening to the tunnel was, and how far down that way the stallion had probably been taken. Captain Red ordered Bouncer, Blast, Amethyst, and Armina to go.

I kept working.

After a while, the four of them came back, with Stoke.

I kept working.


I'd done everything I could think of for the tall one - other than the blood staining his fur, there was no sign of his ever having been gored. He sat on the sand, watching us without a word.

I kept working on the wide one.

My legs had run out of stamina long ago - so I was just lying on the sand next to him, using one hoof to hold whatever gem I was drawing from against him.

I'd managed to close off the broken blood vessels, close up the outer wound, smooth out the cracked skull, replace the lost blood volume. But any time the 'heart, beat' and 'lungs, breathe' spells wore off, his body stopped doing them.

With the moon high overhead, I was running through every Latinate name for a part of the brain that I could think of, and inserting those into every healing, curing, and generally medically-improving sort of spell I could think of. I was running through so many spells that Blast, Valley, and Micro were spending all their time just recharging the gems whose power I was pouring into his body.

Red lay down next to me. "Missy," she said.

"No," I replied, and went on to "Anterior cingulate cortex - medicere."

After a while, she said, "Do you trust me?"

"More than anypony I can think of, other than the Princesses. Medulla oblongata - reparere."

"I think you should stop. You've gotten to where you're hurting yourself."

"Being hurt is less important than saving a life. Medulla oblongata - revivere."

"Have you ever heard the phrase 'dying with dignity'?"

"If you mean me - dignity is less important than saving a life. If you mean his - dignity means being able to choose the manner of your death. He didn't choose. Medulla oblongata - resuscitatere."

"You're driving at least three of my crew to exhaustion - I could order them to stop."

"It's my boat - I could fire you as captain. Medulla oblongata - revivere."

"So... what are you going to do if nothing you do works?"

"Keep trying 'til I can't. Medulla oblongata - rejuvinere."

"And then?"

"I expect I'll be too unconscious to decide much. Medulla oblongata - renovatere. I assume you'll carry me onto the boat and set sail. Medulla oblongata - recuperatere."

"Is there anything I can do that would convince you to stop?"

I paused, at least partly to catch my breath. "Look me in the eye and tell me that you honestly believe there's something more important for me to do than try to save a life."

"How about - save millions of lives."

I paused again. She did have a point - saving a whole continent could certainly take precedence over a single life. But - right now, my world-saving plans consisted of traveling from point A to point B. So I said, "I can keep doing this on the Mikoyan as easily as I can here."

Another voice interrupted - the skinny diamond dog. "What about me?"

Red and I glanced at him, at each other, then back at him. Red said, "Your choice. Stay here, or come with us."

He was looking down at his companion. "I still don't understand. We attacked you, you attacked us back, you won. Why work so hard on him?"

Red looked at me - I guessed she wanted to hear, too. "In terms I'm guessing will make sense to you... the world is a complicated place. So complicated, that it's impossible to tell whether any one piece of information will turn out to be valuable, allowing the creation of a new piece of valuable knowledge. Any one person might turn out to be the one who happens to have just the right piece which will lead to someone coming up with a new idea, which sparks another, which transforms the whole world. I can't save everyone." ('Yet', I added silently.) "But I can save this one. Or at least try my damnedest to. I've got other reasons - but they'd take a lot longer to explain. Well - maybe one more thing is worth mentioning."

I allowed myself a dramatic pause, and was rewarded by the diamond dog saying, "What?"

"The breathing spell should have run out by now. But he's still breathing." My cheeks were hurting, and I was getting some funny looks at my expression. "Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't accomplish something. But sometimes - you can, and won't know until you try that hard. Somepony keep an eye on him, and get me if there's any sign he's getting any worse. In the meantime, please accept my apologies while I let myself fall unconscious." And I did just that.