Scenes From A Hat

by The Hat Man


Credit Where It's Due [Comedy, Slice of Life; Applejack, Flim Flam Bros.]

As Rarity and Applejack strolled up to the counter of Barnyard Bargains in Ponyville, their respective carts loaded up with a host of daily supplies, it seemed like an ordinary day. Rarity was rambling on about the latest fashion trend in Manehatten, Applejack was listening politely - even though she mostly thought the idea of inflatable, pump-up horseshoes to play buckball was ridiculous - and customers milling about Barnyard Bargains chatted and went about their day. It wasn’t until they got to the counter that the cashier said something neither of them had heard before.

“That’ll come to about sixty-two bits, hon,” said the mare at the register as she totaled up Applejack’s purchases. And then she asked, “Will that be bits or charge?”

Applejack stared back. “Will that be… wanna run that by me again?”

“I asked if ya wanna pay bits or charge it,” the cashier replied.

Applejack blinked, then looked back to Rarity, who merely shrugged her shoulders.

“I mean… yer chargin’ me as it is,” Applejack said slowly. “I thought that’s how it was supposed to work.”

“No, no, hon, I mean I’m askin’ if ya wanna pay by givin’ me credit.”

“Oh, uh, if you say so,” Applejack began, rubbing the back of her neck. “Well, ya seem like a very good cashier, yer lane is very clean, an’ I like yer mane.”

“It is a rather fetching style,” Rarity added. “Oh, sorry, can you count that compliment towards my purchase?”

“No no no!” the cashier exclaimed. “Ya can’t just buy things with simple compliments!”

Applejack began to sweat. “Well, uh… ya got a nice flank too,” she added quietly, starting to blush. “If ya need a lil’ more credit, that is.”

The mare likewise blushed but then vigorously shook her head. “That ain’t what I meant! I meant that y’all can pay with a charge card!” She pointed at a curious device next to the register with a tiny logo emblazoned on the side.

Applejack and Rarity exchange another look before Applejack just shrugged and opened her saddlebag, pulling out a heavy sack of bits with her teeth and laying it on the counter.

“Look, not sure what ya mean, but I’ll just go with the bits,” she said.

“Suit yerself, hon,” the cashier said.

After Rarity had likewise paid for her purchases, they were about to leave when Applejack suggested they linger behind to see if maybe they could get a look at what the cashier had meant.

Sure enough, moments later Lyra Heartstrings trotted up the counter with a small cart full of purchases. Rather than carrying a sack of bits, she simply withdrew a small card, about the same size and shape as a playing card, and tapped it against the device. It made a small beep and momentarily glowed green.

“Thanks fer shoppin’ with us, hon!” the cashier said.

“See you next week!” Lyra said, trotting off with her things.

“Well, that is a bit more convenient than having to make up flattery,” Rarity remarked.

“Hang on, what the hay was that?!” Applejack demanded and then dashed off after Lyra. She quickly caught up with her outside of the store, Rarity following shortly thereafter.

“Now hold on just a second there!” Applejack exclaimed. “What was that you used just now, Lyra?”

“Huh? Oh, you mean this!” Lyra drew out the card again. “It’s an Equestrian Express card! It’s great!”

Applejack glanced at the small, green card. “I… well, how’s it work?”

“Oh, well, instead of carrying around bits all the time,” Lyra explained, “you just hold up this card, and any seller who has a scanner can check the magical signature on it, and then it sends a signal to the company, and then they get money from your bank later on. Simple!”

“It don’t sound that simple,” Applejack murmured.

“Wait, then, I could just carry one little card around,” Rarity began, likewise peering at the card, “and not have to break my poor back with a sack of bits when I went on a shopping spree in Manehatten or Canterlot?”

“Absolutely! Oh, and I hear cards are getting super popular in the big cities!” Lyra exclaimed.

“And I haven’t heard of this new trend?” Rarity gasped. “Oh dear, I seem to be falling behind! Applejack, I need to get one of these for myself and some scanners for my boutiques before my customers start thinking I’m… passé!”

Applejack rolled her eyes and was about to dismiss the whole affair as some overcomplicated and newfangled nonsense when she noticed something on the card.

“Mind if I take a closer look at that card there, Lyra?” she asked.

Lyra shrugged. “I suppose not,” she said, levitating it over to Applejack.

As Rarity squeezed in next to her to examine the card, Applejack took careful note of the image on the front. “Hmm… the feller on this card has one o’ them big metal helmets with the brushes on ‘em like they wear in the Royal Guard,” she remarked. She then turned the card over and read the small print on the back, and her eyes went wide. “Oh, you have gotta be pullin’ all four o’ my legs!”


In the spacious office atop the newest building in Las Pegasus, Flim and Flam sat across from each other, their striped carnival barker outfits and straw hats replaced with fine pinstripe suits and perfectly styled manes.

“Seems that everything’s coming up roses!” Flim exclaimed, raising his martini glass to his brother.

“And they never smelled sweeter!” Flam agreed, raising his glass as well.

Then, outside the doors to their office, a loud commotion grew in volume.

“M-ma’am, please, you can’t go in there without an appointment! Security!”

“You ain’t stoppin’ me from gettin’ to the bottom o’ this!”

“But ma’am, we’re on the top of the building—”

The doors burst open and Applejack stared at the pair of brothers as she marched into the room.

“I knew I’d find you two tricksters eventually!” she said.

“Ma’am, please, you’ve broken so many doors already!” cried the secretary chasing her.

“It’s all right,” Flim assured her, smirking even as Applejack continued to fume.

“Better than all right!” Flam added. “Why, it’s not every day we get a visit from an old friend, let alone unannounced.”

“Especially since we’ve got more guards than Canterlot Castle!” Flim said. “By the way, how did you get past them all?”

“Rainbow Dash distracted ‘em,” Applejack replied smugly.

Just then, Rainbow Dash flew by the window. “Ha! You’ll never catch me that way, you big city slowpokes!” she shouted, blowing a raspberry before slipping away from a gaggle of pegasus guards dressed in black suits.

“Well, more guards than Canterlot Castle seems like it’s not good enough,” Flam noted.

“Not if they’re no better trained than they are,” Flim grumbled.

“Enough chit-chat!” Applejack exclaimed, pointing an accusing hoof at the two of them. “I know yer the ones behind this Equestrian Express scam!”

“Scam?” Flim gasped mockingly. “Why I daresay that’s slander, dear brother!”

“Vicious slander!” Flam added. “Especially when we’re so on the level that we’re practically candidates for Elements of Honesty ourselves!”

“Yer pushin’ it,” Applejack growled, narrowing her eyes.

“Well, putting all that aside, what seems to be the trouble, dear Applejack?” Flim asked.

“The trouble is that yer givin’ ponies all over Equestria some kind o’ funny money an’ they think it’s worth a darn!”

“And you’re saying it’s not?” Flam asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s a card!” Applejack exclaimed. “It ain’t real money!”

“Now, wait right there, Ms. Applejack, are you saying that you pay every little thing with bits?” Flim asked. 

“Right down to the massive purchases of lumber used to rebuild your barn every time a mishap happens to happen?” Flam added.

“Of course!” Applejack cried. “Well, that or a promissory note or check from the bank…”

“What, a simple slip of paper?” Flim asked in mock surprise.

“Nothing more than a document with a signature and stamp?!” Flam added with equally overdramatic shock.

Applejack grit her teeth. “That’s from the bank. Y’all, on the other hoof, are—”

“Established, reliable business ponies!” Flim interjected.

“Pillars of the community!” Flam added. “Why, dear brother of mine, I don’t think she sees the beauty of it! Shall we break out into song?”

“Brilliant idea, Brother! Now, where’d I put my hat and cane…?”

“No, no, no! No song!” Applejack shouted. “I’m sick o’ bein’ bamboozled with yer catchy numbers!”

“Well, then, let’s just make it simple, Applejack,” Flim sighed. “We realized upon our success in the hotel and casino business that storing, transporting, and guarding bits was a tricky, expensive business!”

“Who knew that bits could cost bits?” Flam asked, throwing a foreleg across his forehead dramatically.

“And then it occurred to us,” Flim continued, “that if promissory notes and IOU’s were as good as money, then why not something else? So long as the business and the bank and the customer knew whose money was whose, then what did it matter where it actually was?”

“And with a little bit of modern magical and technical knowhow,” Flam said, “we came up with a system for it. In exchange for a tiny share of the profit from every retailer who accepts our cards, we save them on the cost of managing extra bits, the customer saves the effort of carrying and guarding all the bits they need, and everypony gets what they want with minimal fuss!”

Applejack blinked. “But what about this stuff I hear about y’all chargin’ extra if they can’t pay it off?!”

“Well, if they don’t have the actual bits,” Flim said, “then we have to pay the businesses back somehow… and we’re left holding the bag.”

“Gotta discourage ponies from being dishonest with their bits now, don’t we?” Flam asked, raising an eyebrow.

“And might I add that we’re fully committed to making it worthwhile for our honest customers,” Flim said, smoothing his mane back. “We’re starting a program where everypony who uses our cards can earn ‘points’ - an idea I came up with myself, actually - where ponies can use their points on a discounted bill or an airship ride or a hotel stay.”

“A most economical idea which, I’ll remind you,” Flam said, draping a foreleg over his brother’s shoulder, “was only possible due to my negotiations with other businesses around Equestria.”

“A stroke of genius on both our parts, brother of mine!” Flim laughed.

Applejack’s face grew red. “But… but it ain’t real!” she exclaimed, throwing her hat down in frustration. “Ya can’t just go around treatin’ some little hunk o’ plastic like it’s real money! Bits are money! This here’s all a big ballyhoo! Ya can’t make money offa nothin’, ya hucksters!”

“Hucksters?!” Flim exclaimed, puffing himself up. “Why, we resent that remark!”

“Easy there, Brother,” Flam said, patting him on the shoulder. “Perhaps our old friend Applejack just needs a lesson in…” he gave his mustache a twirl, “...economics.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow at that. “I may just be a simple farm pony, but I ain’t ignorant; I know a thing or two about money an’ runnin’ a business. I sure as heck don’t need a lesson in economics from y’all.”

“Well, think of it as philosophy, if you like,” Flam said, holding up his hooves in mock surrender.

He went over to a cabinet on the side of the office and opened it, removing a bottle of what Applejack could see was a very old and expensive bottle of apple brandy. Using his magic, he poured a glass for himself, his brother, and even one for Applejack. 

“Might I ask you something, Miss Apple?” Flam continued taking a sip of his drink. “As an Element of Harmony, what is ‘Honesty’ worth, in your humble estimation? And while you’re at it, what about ‘Friendship?’”

“I daresay I’d like to know the going exchange rate, brother of mine!” Flim quipped as he took his own drink.

Applejack narrowed her eyes as Flam levitated a glass of the brandy over to her. “That right there is comparin’ apples to oranges.”

“I think you’ll see it’s apples to apples,” Flam said. “Think of it like this: a friend is worth more than just what you can get out of them.”

“Even a couple of ‘hucksters’ like us know that,” Flim added.

“And a single bit may be made of precious metals while a promissory note is made of paper,” Flam continued, “but one bit is still worth one bit no matter what the value of gold or paper might be from day to day. And why should gold be worth anything to anypony, for that matter, when you could make most things out of steel or titanium and have them be that much stronger for it? In a roundabout way, one bit is worth one bit because you and I both say it is!”

“Which is a fine way of saying,” Flim said, “that practically—”

“—factually—”

“—and in all ways that count—”

“—money only has value because—”

“—everypony agrees that it does!” the brothers finished in unison.

“So,” Flim said, drawing a sample card from his suit pocket, “if we happen to come up with a better form of money, and everypony agrees that it is worth something—”

“—then, by all measures,” Flamcontinued, picking up from his brother, “it is real money. And who are we - or you - to argue with that?”

Applejack stared back at them. Somehow, every answer and argument evaporated, and she began to sweat, realizing that somehow, improbably, the Flim Flam brothers had come clean, and they’d somehow come up with the ultimate scheme, the ultimate scam:

They’d learned now to make money… off of money. And there was not a thing she could do about it.

“You know,” Flim said, swirling the brandy in his glass, “we do have a card for small business owners, Applejack. Five percent off all eligible business expenses!”

“And, as a pony who helped us get started in Las Pegasus,” Flam added, wiggling his eyebrows, “we could even offer it to you while waiving the annual fee… if you’re interested, that is…”

Applejack blinked, gawking at the brothers. She looked down at the all-too-tantalizing glass of apple brandy still being levitated before her, the aroma of it filling her nostrils, and felt it come to rest gently in her hoof. With glacial slowness, she raised it to her lips and took a sip. “Five percent, ya say...?”


“So, despite your misgivings, you decided to take them up on their offer?” Rarity asked as they stood in the aisle at Barnyard Bargains a few days ago.

“Eeyup,” Applejack said slowly. “I took the contract to Twilight an’ had ‘er look over the thing to make sure it was all on the level, no hidden tricks or nothin’...”

“And?”

Applejack sighed, pushing her cart forward. “An’ it was all clean. No skim, scam, scamola, hustle, or razzmatazz in sight. Much as I can’t stand those two…”

Rarity waited for her to finish as she trailed off. “Yes?”

“...Five percent back on all the farm’s expenses adds up real quick,” she grumbled.

“I see,” Rarity said with a smirk.

“Oh, wipe that smirk off yer face, Rarity!” Applejack snapped. “I only did it because it ain’t no scam, an’ my family could use the money! Apple Bloom’s college fund ain’t gonna fill itself up, now is it?! If the deal’s on the up an’ up, who cares who it’s with?!”

“All right, all right,” Rarity relented, chuckling as she held up a hoof defensively. “Those Flim Flam brothers are simply horrid, but far be it for me to say no to a bargain either. I don’t suppose you could ask them to waive my annual fee—”

“Forget it!” Applejack snapped.

“All right, all right,” Rarity said, taking out her card to admire it (and her own image, reflected in its glossy sheen). “Oh, by the way, whatever happened to Rainbow Dash?”

“Guards spent half an hour tryin’ to catch her,” Applejack replied. “Eventually, they got out the tranquilizer gun an’ managed to slow her down.” She smirked. “Took three darts”

“Ah. That explains why she flew into the side of my boutique yesterday and mistook me for ‘a giant talking marshmallow.’”

Applejack snickered. “Yeah, I see the resemblance.”

“Oh, hush, you!”

There was a polite cough from the cashier and Applejack saw that she was next in line.

“So, what’ll it be, hon?” the cashier asked, looking over her spectacles. “Bits or charge?”

Applejack heaved a sigh and retrieved a shiny new card from inside her hat. With resignation, she placed it on the counter and quietly replied, “Charge.”