"Omigosh I've never seen someone like you before, your huge like the princesses but not really discord sized and I don't think you can make chocolate rain but I bet you could give awesome piggyback rides and there's no real place to pin a tail on you so I guess that game won't be part of the repetoire but what can you do? I'm Pinkie Pie by the way and I looooove to party and we're going to throw you a big old hero party because people like you totally deserve hero parties for fighting bears and wrestling sea dragons and saving Scootaloo from being alone with a broken leg in the wilderness! It'll be the best bear-serpent-rescuer hero party in Equestrian history! Now I'll ne-" My white pillow, which was too small for me, anyways, whailed her in the face to give me a brief respite.
Even still, her mouth still created a horrifically bothersome series of muffled noises behind said pillow, which was still stuck to her face. I sort of expected something like that, and turned to the rest of the people that didn't nearly as badly disturb my sleep. All four of them, rather than the usual six. The absence of the rainbow maned and stetson-ensembled duo was noted, but noise from Scootaloo's section told me the former was present. "Uh, hi?" I said.
"Hello, stranger!" Started the magician of the group: "I'm Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and myself. Two of my fellow compatriots are missing, unfortunately, but Rainbow Dash is over speaking with Scootaloo right now. Applejack has lots of work to catch up on from being out searching for the little pegasus, after all."
"Understandable, I guess." I said. It was a bit awkward suddenly being awoken. The morning was as stellar as before, although Pinkie's pink mass was obscuring it and bathing the room in a pinkish hue. I'd initially thought somebody had spiked my IV with acid or something, and the initial conversation hadn't helped matters much. "So, uh, did you need something from me?"
"Well..."
"Uh..."
"Mphmhhm..."
"It's just a normal thing for us to do, I guess?" Asked Twilight Sparkle. "I mean, it seems like every time some new creature shows up in Ponyville it's our job to introduce them to everypony and solve all their issues at once."
Did she literally just spell out the trope? Wow. "Well, I'm pretty sure the crazy party Pinkie Pie should be off planning and setting up for will handle all of that, right?" I asked. The Party Pony wiped the pillow off her face and shot into the air, suddenly flying out of the room in a pink flash. I wiped my brow in relief. "Thank god that's over."
"That's an awful thing to say, darling!" Said Rarity. "She may be a bit...overzealous. But she means well, at the least."
"What, no commentary on my clothes? I'm surprised you're not gagging at them yet." I asked, and she looked shocked.
"That wasn't a tarp? My goodness!" She suddenly exclaimed, picking up the multicam jacket. "This... ugh! Too utilitarian. Who would ever want something so droll and dark in their inventory. So many pockets... and these pants! Awful!"
"Glad you think so." I said sarcastically. Twilight looked at me knowingly. I turned over to Fluttershy, who was just sitting in the corner with her mane covering her face. "Looks like your number three isn't too happy to be dragged into this."
"Oh, that's just Fluttershy. She's just extremely shy." She said, and I laughed. At the mention of her in the conversation, the Pegasus further retreated into the corner, shrinking to almost microscopic levels.
"Hi there, Fluttershy." I said, and a tiny whimper met my ears. I looked over at Twilight, and shrugged. "I guess today isn't my day."
"She'll come around. Anyways, welcome to Ponyville! Sorry if Mayor Mare gave you a scare when you arrived, she's not normally the one that handles that sort of situation as I've stated before. Performance anxiety and all that probably made it more fearful and confusing than necessary."
"Hey, I've had worse." I said. "They could have shut themselves indoors and made up scary tales, or something."
"Eh...hehe..." Said Twilight, her eyes darting. It was cheating to use all my knowledge against them, but hilarious at the same time. Trollestia doesn't have shit on me, suckers. The curtain pulled back a bit, and Red Cross entered, showing his dismay at the pair fussing all over my hospital bed, and the other hiding in the corner.
"Ladies! This gentlecolt is expected to have time to HIMSELF. That is not an exception for even Princess Celestia's best student, not to mention her friends." Twilight hung her head at the good doctor's rescue attempt, and I just beamed at him. "However-" he paused, focusing on me, "-this fellow is also formally discharged. Your clothes are there, and Mayor Mare expects you at her office sometime in the next few hours. I suggest you move along quickly: and evade any flying pink objects while en-route. Try not to scare anypony, as well."
"I'll try, doc." I said, tossing off the covers and crawling out of bed in nothing but my shirt and boxers. Rarity cringed at my rather soiled attire.
"This will simply not do! Once you've seen the mayor, I must simply DEMAND you visit my botique. Never have I had a clothes-wearing species before... ohhh, all the business!" She gushed. I facepalmed as my muddied and dirtied pants went on, along with my boots and socks. I'd thankfully avoided trenchfoot: god knows how, probably thanks to the low bacteria on this planet. Not like anything was tailored towards humans, after all, so it had a tough time against the hardy human immune system.
Oh well. The trio departed with a farewell, a demand to arrive at the botique, and a squeak. My sleeves rolled once more, my backpack back in place, and my iPhone out, I ventured out the doors and into Ponyville proper, the brightness as I entered the main square quite refreshing. A far cry from the always droll and dark earth, or even the Everfree, now that I thought about it.
Ponies gawked at me - that was expected. A few even came up to chat, mainly thanks for helping Scootaloo return. She'd be staying in the hospital awhile longer, but until I was set up I didn't really have time to visit. For the most part, the issues seen in Bridle Gossip were gone, although Xenophobia was still rather obvious as I made my way down the street. I felt like I was a tank of a man walking through a rich people's neighborhood, with my every friendly gesture looking more like a threat.
I sighed and made my way into the town hall, its large size separating it from the remainder of the buildings in the area. Its large foyer was interesting, but empty, and the light shone in rather interesting ways as I made my way into the clearly-marked office. Of course the language is English, why wouldn't it be?
Mayor Mare was hard at work, with Doctor Who- Time Turner, my apologies, working on a large clock mechanism in the office. He looked at me with much trepidation as I entered, although the Mayor kept her face rather calm. "Good morning, Alex." She said.
"Hi." I responded. "What's this about?"
The Mayor's head went below her desk for a minute, the rattle of drawers telling me this wasn't going to be pretty. A stack of papers found their way onto the desk. "I've had a chat with Miss Scootaloo while you've been lolling in the hospital. Combine that with reports from your Sea Serpent that Twilight Sparkle grilled for information, tells me that you're probably going to want to stay in Ponyville, rather than travel back into the wilderness. Am I correct?" She asked.
"Uh. I guess?" I said. "I haven't really thought about it."
"Well," she said, patting the stack. "This is what's required for Equestrian citizenship, healthcare, and legal residency in the Royal District of Equestria and the town of Ponyville." She said, separating the stacks. "There's a desk over there."
Damn.
It took a few hours. Having to BS roughly fifty percent of it and get a crash course in Equestrian time and calendars took roughly FOREVER, and then translating that into standard dating was insane. But, by the end, I had free healthcare and a bunch of official looking documents, which I promptly tossed into my backpack. I gave the Mayor my farewell, which she scoffed off, and I made my way back into the streets, the high sun telling me it was noon. Or was that my infini-charge iPhone? Hm.
Travelling down the roads and byways, I was astounded at just how damned perfect every single inch of this town was. I was sure it wasn't great by Equestrian standards, but this was just magnificent. Even the prettiest of places on Earth just didn't do it justice, the buildings arranged just so to make shadows of interesting shapes and sizes, the sun itself not even painful to view but just as radiant, and the ground so clean it's almost as if ponies didn't have waste at all. It merely poofed out of existence, it seemed.
Again, the looks and fearful movements, the huge eyes staring up, and on occasion the fearless one that said hello. A few children even followed me closely, one even taking some pictures. Hopefully I wouldn't end up in some gossip column or another: that was the last thing I needed. It occurred to me as I passed through the market, making a huge hole just by approaching a direction, that I was broke.
That's always fun. Maybe making tools and doing things ponies couldn't dream of might work? Fine manipulation, massages of stellar quality. Hmm... The form of Carousel Boutique appeared on the horizon as I turned a corner, somehow finding my way around town despite having never seen it in the third dimension. I guess, like the show, the route to your destination just seems to happen rather than make sense.
Or I had just seen it earlier. Whatever. I briefly considered escaping from the pending insanity to come, but I decided it was better to face her ladyship now rather than risk her ire later. Besides, free clothes! And these old ones have one too many slashes in them. I mean, it may have been in style to have torn up pants back home, but still: grungy and messy is hardly something appreciated in ponyville, and probably a large part of why I'm so looked upon with strangeness.
I opened the door onto the extravagant botique and entered, to find it relatively empty. Puzzled, I stepped deeper within, only to hear a loud clopping from the stairwell: a purple and pink, curly-maned filly slowly descending, her eyes downcast. As she slowly descended and crossed the threshold, I remained silent. Whatever Sweetie Belle's issue was, I wasn't about to make it any of my business. Little girl troubles were hardly my pervue, even on the best of days.
As I shifted a bit, her ears perked and eyes opened, turning to face me. I moved to wave and smiled, and her eyes grew wider with horror. "MONSTERR!" She screamed in terror, and rushed into the kitchen, shutting herself inside one of the cabinets and making the entire counter shake. I looked down at the ground and sighed, shaking my head.
From the top of the stairs, a faster and heavier set of clops came, Rarity's purple mane a bit ruffled from running down the stairs. "Sweetie Belle! Don't insult our guests, dear!" She shouted out into the kitchen, barely acknowledging me in the process. Sweetie Belle cracked the cupboard a bit, and inched her head out. "This is the fine gentlecolt that saved one of your best friends, and I expect you to treat him like the gracious and fantastical hero she holds him to be. Appearance is hardly everything, as you know."
Sweetie Belle laughed. "My sister, saying appearance isn't everything?" The laughter redoubled, and I let out a single chuckle. "Sorry, mister. Didn't recognize you with the tallness and all." Rarity's eyes narrowed as she turned to face me.
"What, you think I'm shallow?" She asked me. "You hardly even know me, dear!"
"Well, I mean, Scootaloo said he had these weird knowledge powers that lets him know some people really well." Responded Sweetie Belle, returning to the room but keeping her eyes locked on me. "Sorry I didn't recognize you before, by the way. The hospital's a bit different than suddenly appearing in the foyer."
"Whatever does she mean?" Asked Rarity.
"Er... Long story? We can finish it some other time. I just stopped by because you wanted me to." I said, brushing off Sweetie Belle.
"But what if you know what my Cutie Mark is supposed to be? Can't you at least tell me that?" She asked, with pleading eyes.
"Singing." I responded in an even tone. Her eyes widened and she disappeared up the stairs in a flurry of movement, momentarily upsetting Rarity's mane. The tailor quickly opened a door with her magic and levitated a brush to it, fixing the offending damage. "Now, what did you want from me, exactly?"
"Oh, your measurements, of course! I'll need to see your range of motion to make clothes accordingly, as well, seeing as you obviously have totally different requirements from quadrupeds like ponies." She said, approaching me as she put the brush away. A hoof pushed my arm up, and she viewed it with a critical eye. "Hmm..."
As she used her hooves and magic to manipulate all of my appendages (which got awkward fast in certain areas), we talked about a lot of boring subjects, mostly related to her love of courtly love and all things fashion. I wasn't a fashion person, but I did know my camouflage and concealment, so she learned a bit about the "uses" of clothing besides looking good. Dress uniforms, especially, were of interest to her.
"Now, then." She said, tossing away the last of some dozens of tapes she'd used on me. "This will be a most excellent challenge."
"Well I'm happy to help." I said, rubbing the afflicted area. She was too used to Pony sized creatures to find a proper human-rated measuring tape. It was... less than pleasant. "Know anywhere I would be able to stay, at least until I got on my own two feet?" I asked. She looked perplexed at the last part, and I chalked that to the disconnect.
"Well, Fluttershy has lots of room at her cottage... Applejack has some room on the farm, but that's really for helpers on the farm... Twilight probably has room in her library. I've got a spare bedroom here, of course, and those hands would probably be marvelous help... Hm. I doubt you'd want to stay with Pinkie Pie? She can be quite rambunctious. Can humans float on clouds?"
"Uh, no,"
"That crosses of Rainbow Dash. But really, any of us will probably do. What're your skills? Besides convincing young fillies that you know their cutie marks, of course." She said, giving me a hard look. I smirked at her.
"Whatever makes them stay safe, I guess." I lied. "Uh, beating up bears? Living in the wilderness? Lots of basic stuff, really."
"Ah. Well, I'm sure Fluttershy could always use assistance at her cottage? We really have been pushing her to be a bit more conversational. Less assertiveness, since that last time went badly, but just some ability to hold a conversation, you understand?" She said.
"Well, I'd feel awful untoward if I just barged-"
"Oh, heavens no! I'll just introduce you all formally and come in for tea. She'll warm right up, I assure you."
"Alright..." I said, extremely certain that that was a load of crap.
Rarity and I made our way over to Fluttershy's cottage, the half-hour walk slowly draining my patience as she prattled from inane subject to inane subject. At least I didn't have to do much talking: no wonder she and Fluttershy got along so well. It wasn't even like she was my least favorite pony, just that it kind of wore on you after so long, y'know?
We approached the front door, the local animals half-wary and half-hiding, Rarity extended a hoof to knock on the door. "I'm sure Fluttershy will love to have you over. She always needs help with the animals, especially the bigger ones. Once she gets to kno-"
The door opened, and a little yellow Pegasus was shadowed by a big shape behind her. "Ah, Fluttershy. I had just brought over this fine gentlecolt..." I gulped and sweat ran down my brow. Flight or fight kicked in, with the former circled for once.
"Uh, Rarity, that's not the be-" A roar deafened my ears, and a paw flung in my direction. I fell to the ground with my chest stinging, and the shape of my arch-nemesis, hereby named 'George' collapsed onto all fours as a pair of ponies gasped in horror, the bear's teeth gnashing and another bloodcurdling roar met my ears...
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