//------------------------------// // Chapter 20: Professor Rockhoof // Story: The Adventure of the Apex Legion (Old Version) // by DeffBwade //------------------------------// It was now Monday morning, and Headmare Twilight called an all-school meeting (Emergency meeting! Professor Dash is the imposter!). We entered the amphitheater to see the professors sitting in one row, the headmare standing on the stage, and next to her was another pony. And holy shit! This pony was massive. He was like twice the size of Headmare Twilight! He was an earth pony with green blue fur, an amber and yellow mane, tail, and beard, purplish eyes, a cutie mark of a trio of triangles intertwined with each other, a shovel, and armor that vikings would wear. "What armor would Viking wear exactly?" No, no. Not my friend Viking. The vikings. You know, the barbaric warriors like from the How to Train Your Dragon movies. This pony even spoke like a viking. One thought rang through mind looking at him. Holy shit. This guy is practically the Thor of Equestria! We just need to dye his hair blonde and give him a hammer. Anyway, Headmare Twilight explained that he had no place in his old home since it turned into some sort of excavation site for artifacts to preserve. So, she decided to hire him to work at the school. "So join me welcoming Professor Rockhoof to our faculty," Headmare Twilight announced to which we all cheered and clapped. "Don't you find it a bit weird to clap with hooves." Well, it's more like stomping my fore hooves on the ground. "Thank you. Thank you all. I know I'm new to your world, but there's one thing I learned when I saved my village from a rushing river of hot lava," Professor Rockhoof said to which we grew interested in, especially me, "There's nothing you can't do without hard work. And a shovel!" He then grabbed his shovel with his mouth and stuck it into the stage, making us gasp, before it started to break some more and then collapsing, along with him. "Except maybe stand on stage," Smolder said. "Did she just call him fat?" I prefer to use the term 'big boy'. "I'd...rather you didn't." The stage collapsed so much that only Professor Rockhoof's head was still visible. Spike ran up to him and tried to pull him out, before Headmare Twilight simply used her levitation. "So um...every creature dismissed. We'll...see you in class," she said to which we got up and left. "Why do I feel like there's gonna be a bit of disaster?" You and me both. "You think that new pony is gonna be the weirdest teacher in school, or just one of the weirdest?" Smolder asked as we were walking into class. "If you really wanna see weird, you should spend some time with the friends I made before moving to Ponyville," I said. "What do you mean?" she asked. "The only way you'll see is if you spend time with them," I said. "Yona like new teacher. He big...like Yak!" Yona said. "And he smashes things like a yak. And he smells like Yak," Gallus said. "Yes! He perfect!" Yona said, eyes sparkling. "Guys, he's one of the Pillars! He's like...pony history!" Sandbar said. "The Pillars? Who are they?" I asked to which everybody gasped. "You done fucked up." "You don't know who the Pillars are?!" Ocellus asked. "Um...no?" I responded. "B-but...they're like...legendary! How could you not know who they are?!" Sandbar asked. "I um...I didn't pay much attention in history class," I said. "You've been here for almost two months!" "Oh we are so telling you the stories about the Pillars sometime!" Smolder said. I'd...rather not learn history outside of class. "Hello class!" Professor Rockhoof announced before bursting through the door Kool-Aid Man style. "Oh yeah!" "Well um...I'm uh...your new Theory in Defense of Friendship teacher," he said. He leaned on the desk, making it creak as it threatened to break, "But uh...I haven't had a chance to look at Headmare Twilight's notes yet. What have y'all been learning?" "This is where you take advantage of the teacher." Um...we've been learning about how video games can help people work together. "We just studied all about how Princess Celestia and Luna used a spell to trap Discord in stone sleep for hundreds of moons," Ocellus said giving a cute smile. "Wait, did she just say Discord was encased in stone hundreds of moons?" Um...how long is a moon exactly? "Hold on, let me check." ... "According to Yahoo Answers, one full moon is about one month." So...Discord...was...encased in stone... "...FOR HUNDREDS OF MONTHS?!" That's a fate worse than death. He better not have been sentient during that time. "I don't even wanna think about that." "Oh ho ho ho ho. So it's a class about stories, is it?" Professor Rockhoof asked. "Stories! Yeah! And we never ever ever get homework," Gallus said. "Gallus has the right idea." "Good. The best way to teach colts and fillies is by experience," the professor said. This guy get's it. I mean, I didn't get skilled with a sword just by reading a book or watching YouTube. "Like the time I was in the woods, and ran across and Ursa Major," he said. "Really?!" Silverstream asked excited. "We're not doing that right?" Sandbar asked. "You fight Ursa Major? All alone?" Yona asked to which the professor nodded. "And I defeated her too," he said. "Now this I'm interested," Smolder said. "Yes please keep talking," I said. "How Professor Rockhoof win?!" Yona asked. "Well, that's quite the tale," he said. "Why did you skip ahead?! I was actually interested in how he defeated a bear the size of Godzilla!" Because I simply don't have the patience to write the entire story. He did say it was quite the tale. "I have time!" My story, my rules. "STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!" Yeah, that's my job! And mine! What the-?! Who are you?? Name's Deapool. The merc with the mouth. The regenerate degenerate. The- Let me stop you right there. Okay, first of all, big fan of your video game and movies. Second of all, why the hell are you here?! You're not part of this! If I'm not part of this, then why is my dialogue being written right now? Because you're-! Because I'm-! ARGH! My point exactly. Sigh. Look, if I stop breaking the fourth wall, will you please get out of here? You and Professor Pinkie? And I mean for the rest of the story. Okie dokie lokie. I don't know. What's in it for me? I'll buy you a Naruto swimsuit figurine. Deal! It better be of Sakura or Ino. Preferably Ino. Fine! Whatever! Just leave! POOF "Are you actually gonna buy him a figurine?" Hell no. I know exactly what he's gonna use it for. "Dodge! Thrust! Shovel leap! Shovel throw! Shovel whack! Now you lot be the Ursa Major. Lots of growling in mind," Professor Rockhoof said to which Gallus, Yona, and Silverstream started growling. "Oh oh oh! What happened next?!" Yona asked. "The huge beastie jumped out of the moon like mist. Her fearsome fangs at my throat! But I rolled clear," he said rolling into a window. "Then what?!" Silverstream asked. "She backed me up against a wall, ready to pounce," he said, making us gasp, "I looked at her, and she looked at me. And I said-" "Uh Professor Rockhoof?" "Nope! Guess again!" he said before turning Headmare Twilight and Professor Applejack standing in the doorway, "Uh oops." "Sorry to interrupt," Headmare Twilight said, "Class, why don't we go ahead and take lunch early today?" "No! I already didn't hear like the first half the story!" "Professor Rockhoof best teacher ever!" Yona sighed, "Day cannot get better!" CRASH "OH YEAH!" "Let's get you outside, wee ones," Professor Rockhoof said picking up Yona with his shovel. "Day just got better!" Yona said as she was scooped up and thrown outside. Professor Rockhoof then picked up Silverstream, and then Ocellus, Sandbar, and Gallus, and then everyone else. "Rockhoof?!" Professor Applejack exclaimed. "What are you doing?!" Headmare Twilight exclaimed. "Saving the school!" Professor Rockhoof said before breaking the fountain and redirecting the stream into a couple of fires seen coming out from some windows, "Just like fighting a volcano in the good ol days!" "Would someone kindly explain what is the meaning of all this water?!" Professor Rarity, who's mane was all drenched and hanging down, asked as the fires died down. "I'm not sure. But I think it's...surfs up!" Professor Pinkie said as she took out a surfboard and started riding the water, "WOOHOO! COWABUGA!" "Cowabunga? This isn't TMNT?" "Sorry Rarity, but I had to put out the raging inferno," Professor Rockhoof said. "Inferno? Where?" Spike said as he and Smolder walked up. "Did you not the smoking flames?" "Yeah, that was us. You know, dragons? Having a fire breathing competition?" Smolder said. "You...what?" "They do it all the time. That's what we were trying to tell you," Headmare Twilight said. "You guys have fire breathing competitions indoors? Isn't that dangerous?" I asked Spike and Smolder. "That's why we breath out of windows," Spike said. "We know you're used to being a hero Rockhoof. Only, what we need here is a teacher," Professor Applejack said, making Professor Rockhoof lower his head in shame. "One who doesn't ruin an entire class's friendship quilts. Do you know how hard it is to stitch a pineapple pattern?!" Professor Rarity said. "My deepest apologies. I'm not used to living with dragons, or much else in this modern time. Professor Fossil made it clear...I'm not welcome back in my old village. Seems like I don't belong here either," Professor Rockhoof apologized before walking away. "WEEEE!" Professor Pinkie said still riding the non-waving water. Apparently Rockhoof still has trouble fitting in with society. As I was cleaning at Sugarcube Corner, I saw outside Rockhoof sprinting with a cart hoisted on his back and wearing a delivery hat. He was aksing aloud where Cranky Doodle Donkey was, and that he needed to deliver his ointment. He needed to cure, and I quote from Rockhoof himself, "a rash in a very embarrassing place." ... I was so close to cracking open my skull and dumping soap all over my brain, in hopes of erasing that memory. I already rubbed his dirty hooves. I don't need to hear about what STDs he has. The next day, I was walking through Ponyville minding my own business. I passed by the local spa, when I suddenly a very high pitched scream. The doors to the spa opened up, and a very muscular pegasus stallion with tiny wings came running out, still screaming like a girl. A second later, Rockhoof came walking out wearing a spa uniform. Guess he doesn't know his own strength. "Did you hear that Rockhoof caught all the bees in the Everfree Forest and gave them to Zecora as a gift?" Sandbar asked. "Wow! Terramar said Rockhoof called out the stars and sunk the whole Hippogriff Navy!" Silverstream cheered. Silverstream, you're a good friend and all, but I worry about you sometimes. "He's definitely weird, but in a fun way. You never what's gonna happen next with him," Smolder said. "Professor Rockhoof best pony!" Yona said. "Hey class," Spike said as he walked in, "Welcome to Theory of Defense in Friendship." "Another sub? Let me start by telling you that we don't get homework and we only do field trips," Gallus said as he leaned back on his chair. "You made it too obvious," I whispered to him. "Yeah, nice try," Spike said to which Gallus rolled his eyes, "Twilight sent me to tell you she won't be in today because she has to cast a stone sleep spell on Rockhoof." This made everyone gasp. "Like Discord?! But why?! Rockhoof isn't a bad guy!" Ocellus said. "That's a fate worse than death," I said to myself. Spike just shrugged at Ocellus's question. "Your instructions are to write an essay on heroism and what it means to you," he said. "No," Yona quietly complained. "Don't worry. It doesn't have to be a long essay," he said before starting to read a newspaper. Later that evening So as it turned, that essay we were given ended up saving the day. Yona wrote about how she didn't fit in how first, but then she met her friends and Professor Rockhoof, and how he was strong and brave and how she wanted to be like him when she grows up. This convinced Rockhoof to at least finish the story about the Ursa Major. "And I say 'Sorry, you won't be having any dinner tonight lass. Guess you'll just have to grin and bear it'," he joked to which everybody else laughed. I just made a face that said 'wow', "And then, I tossed her away with my shovel, higher than the sky. And she's been in constellation up there ever since. Or so I'm told. And that's the end of my story." One question. How the fuck did you throw Bear-zilla higher than the sky?! I swear, this guy's like...God. He really is the Thor of Equestria. "One more story! One more story!" everybody, and I mean everybody, from the students to the professors, cheered. "No, no. Thank you for listening, but it's time to say goodbye," Rockhoof said as he walked up to Headmare Twilight. "Wait. You said there wasn't anything in this time you were good at. What about telling stories?" she asked. "It was just a tall tale." "One that captured the hearts and the imagination of every creature here." "Plus, pony's story super fun," Yona asked to which everybody cheered in agreement. "As the Princess of Friendship, I'd like to appoint you as Equestria's official keeper of tales." "Can you do that?" Spike asked to which Headmare Twilight shrugged. "As Star Butterfly once said, "I'm a princess. I can do what I want." "I uh...that's very kind of you, but I still think these old bones are more suited to a museum display." "You are a living record of our history. Your stories can inspire and teach generations to come. If you're a statue, that's all lost." "W-will I ever really belong in your world?" "Rockhoof's Yona's friend, so Rockhoof belongs," Yona said. "You know, that reminds me of another story. Once there was a small yak that knew more than a great hero." "Hey, don't forget the dragons in this one," Smolder said. "There were dragons. And ponies. And plenty of hippogriffs. Plus, a changeling and a griffon..." "Is no one gonna tell me the first half of the Ursa Major story?!" I think the bigger question is did you really use Yahoo Answers earlier? ... ... "Fuck you."