Twilight couldn’t help but beam as she looked around the table. All around her were some of the most famous and distinguished magic-users, academics, and politicians in all of Equestria (and several lands over). Princess Celestia and Luna were at her side, each sipping tea and watching the great minds chat. To her left Mystic Gold, headmaster of the School for Gifted Unicorns chatted politely with Mr. Piles, the curator of the Ponyville Museum. She spotted Tydal, King of the Capricorns having a heated debate with the Great Griffon while the Lady of Zebrica merely laughed at the two.
The crown jewel of this dinner party was, of course, Starswirl the Bearded. Long believed dead, the great master of magic had revealed that he had finally perfected time travel and had journeyed thousands of years into the future to see how Equestria would fair after his ‘death’. He now sat at the other end of the table, gazing at all the bright minds with a look of utter serenity and peace. Twilight was almost shivering from the raw power Starswirl held within him and she knew that tonight all the lost wisdom he held in the deep recesses of his mind would be hers for the taking.
She leaned forward as Starswirl stood up, preparing to give the first toast of the night. Twilight was bouncing up and down in giddy delight, wondering what he would say. ‘Oh, will he quote some obscure Eqestrian play? Or reference one of his many adventures? Or what about-‘
“Bababababa!” Starswirl squealed happily.
“Huh?” Twilight said, smile dropping instantly.
Celestia clapped and giggled while Luna reached over and began to gum her own hoof.
The world seemed to swirl into a sea of color before realigning itself, allowing Twilight to see that she was not seated in Canterlot Castle’s grand ballroom but lying on a fairly standard bed with two foals sitting on her chest, happily poking their drool-covered hooves into her cheek.
“Hey!” Pinkie Pie shouted, running over and collecting the babies. “Pumpkin, Pound, what are you doing?” She quickly trotted out of the room, the unicorn and pegasus foals dangling from her mouth as she marched them back to their room. This left Twilight all alone in Pinkie’s bedroom, staring at the pink walls and ceiling and trying to figure out what exactly had happened. She had scattered memories of going to Sugarcube Corner…Rarity and Applejack kissing…Princess Luna in a labcoat…and her talking about how to make babies…Pinkie Pie…
“Oh Celestia…please tell me we didn’t-“
“Didn’t what, Twilight?” Pinkie asked as she bounced happily back into the room.
“…just forget it, Pinkie Pie.” Twilight eased herself up, rubbing her throbbing head and frowning when she found that her skull had been wrapped with enough bandages to make a mummy jealous. “What the heck?”
Pinkie smiled, jumping onto the bed. “You don’t remember? After you yelled at Mr. and Mrs. Cake I went to look for you to make sure you were ok and weren’t bursting into flames. Took me a while and I got distracted by some trees that I thought looked like cotton candy but then I found you!” Pinkie began to giggle and Twilight wondered (not for the first time) if Pinkie had lost her mind. “You were so funny, Twilight! You were walking around, pretending you were a woodpecker!”
“Woodpecker?”
“You know…” Pinkie Pie went up to a wall and banged her head against it several times. “See!” she exclaimed, not nearly as loopy as Twilight had been after such an act hours ago. “Then you fell down and began twitching and I thought you might have developed Pinkie Sense so I brought you back here and bandaged you up! And since that was soooo fun I decided to put band-aids on you, even though you weren’t hurt, because band-aids are fun!”
Twilight looked down to see that her belly was covered in little adhesive strips which had been strategically placed to create an outline of Pinkie’s head. “Uh…thanks.”
“Sooo…” Pinkie leaned in close, her eyes blinking rapidly.
“So…?” Twilight responded, wondering what the heck Pinkie wanted. At least she wasn’t clamoring to throw a ‘You’re Better!’ party.
“Sooo…what were you doing that made you go from happy to shoutie shouter? Did Mrs. Cake point out that weird thing you do when you eat a brownie?”
“No she…why does everyone keep saying that?”
“Because it is WEIRD! Did Princess Luna forget your birthday?”
“What? No!”
“Good, because it‘s sad when a mother forgets her daughter’s birthday! Did Mrs. Cake tell you that crazy rumor she heard about Scootaloo?”
“No she…wait, yes she did.” Twilight’s face screwed up in utter confusion. “How did you-?”
Pinkie interrupted her, jumping off the bed and happily digging through her closet. A rubber duck, several books, and a large mallet flew out as Pinkie spoke. “That story is so silly! Everyone knows the truth about Scootaloo, so I don’t know why Mrs. Cake thought THAT story was true.” A feather boa, a picture of Princess Celestia dressed as a construction worker and some socks flew over Twilight’s head as Pinkie continued to rummage around.
“You…know where Scootaloo came from?” Twilight said nervously, her need for knowledge warring with her need for sanity. She could feel both hemispheres of her brain warring against one another, battling like two sumo wrestlers.
“Yup yup!” Pinkie said, finally pulling out a large wooden hoof puppet theater. She dove behind it, selecting the items she wanted, before racing over to shut the lights off and galloping back into the twins’ room. Pumpkin and Pound giggled as Pinkie set them down next to Twilight, handing them each a flashlight. “Ok, the True Origin of Scootaloo!”
“Oh boy…” Twilight said, thankful there were no tables around as the twins shone their flashlights upon the stage….
~MC~MC~MC~
A long time ago in a galaxy far,
far away…
The planet of Colton would not last the night.
Joora-Loo knew this. He had seen the signs coming and had tried to convince the council to evacuate the planet. But they had refused to believe him, seeing his warnings as merely the ranting of a crazed stallion who was overreacting. All those months he had spent giving them his findings, detailing 7 separate plans to save the planet…and they had all been for naught.
Their red sun would explode within hours, and with its death would come the end of Colton and all its ponies.
“Wait a minute…how can a sun blow up? The alicorn in charge of it would never let that happen!”
“There was no alicorn in charge of it, Twilight. Colton had no goddess that moved the sun or the moon…the planet moved around the sun by its own gra-“
“Pinkie, that is crazy talk.”
His lab, normally so clean one could have performed surgery on his worktable, was torn to pieces as he grabbed every scrap of metal and spare piece of wire he could get his hooves on. In the center of his lab was his only hope. The only hope for Colton. Above him the clear ceiling of his lab allowed him to see the night sky lit up like a bonfire, the raw energy of the rising sun flashing across the sky and casting an eerily red glow upon the planet.
It would not be long.
“Joora-Loo,” his wife Lauren said softly, trotting over him, a small bundle wrapped secured to her back. “Is…is it time?”
“Yes my love, it is.” Turning towards his masterpiece, Joora-Loo pressed his hoof against the polished metal surface. This work, his last effort, would be the salvation of his people. For it was this small spaceship that would carry his only child away from the planet. Only one child would survive…the last child of Colton.
Lauren gently placed her bundle in the rocket, the little orange foal cooing slightly as she looked around the interior of the ship. She had no way of knowing that within an hour, maybe less, her entire race would be wiped out and she would be hurdling towards a strange new world.
“Scoota-Loo will be all alone,” Lauren whispered.
“No…never alone,” Joora-Loo said softly, taking a moment to stroke the foal’s purple hair. “You will travel far, my little Scoota-Loo, but we will never leave you…even in the face of death. The richness of our lives will be yours. You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life. You’ll make my strength your own; see my life through your eyes, as I will see yours through mine. The son becomes the father…the father becomes the son.”
“Daughter,” Lauren said.
“What’s that now?”
“Scoota-Loo is our daughter.”
“Are you sure?’
“Quite sure.”
“But what about-“
“That’s her leg.”
“Ah…and that?”
“Other leg.”
“Right.” Joora-Loo puckered his lips. “Well…I had this whole speech planned about how you will be a shining light…savior to the people of your new home… but now I’m all flustered so…uh…” Joora-Loo tapped his chin. “That’ll do, pig.”
“…are you serious?” Lauren complained as the cockpit shut on Scoota-Loo, the baby blinking as she watched her parents fight. “That’ll do, pig? Those are your final words to your daughter?”
“Better than you just standing there saying nothing! What a kind mother you are, just staring with glassy eyes at your foal!” The rocket began to tilt upward, preparing to take off as the two ponies continued to bicker.
“I am silently sending my love to our child!” Lauren complained.
“Oh, is that what you call it? Then I guess you’ve been sending love silently to me for the last 8 months!”
The rocket fired off into the night sky, unnoticed by the couple. “Not that it would matter to you! I know you’ve been fooling around with Becky in payroll for years!”
“At least she isn’t a frigid harpie! Damn it, I need a drink!” Joora-Loo trotted over to the mini-fridge, cracking open a beer even as the sky began to glow red-hot and the air around them became superheated. “What, no comments about me drinking too much? Come on, lay it on me, that’s all you’re good for!”
“You know, it is because you are a drunk no one believed you!”
“Are you blaming me for this, you cow?”
“If the horseshoe fits!”
“Well, at least I actually do something, unlike you! Why don’t you go trot off to the coffee shop and drool over the waiters with your friends Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha!?!”
“You know, Joora-Loo, I think I want to see other ponies!”
“Fine by me! Now that the kid is gone there is nothing to tie me to your flank! I have my whole life-“
And the sun exploded.
~MC~MC~MC~
Twilight tilted her head, staring at the two arguing hoof puppets as Pinkie reenacted the ‘death’ of Scoota-Loo’s ‘parents’. “Nooo! Aaack! Arggg! Burning alive!” She switched to a higher voice. “I should have married Stephan Magnet! YYAAACCKKKKKKK!”
Pumpkin looked over at Twilight, as if asking if this made any sense to her.
“Hey, I’m just as confused as you are!” Twilight complained as Pound Cake began to suck on the flashlight. “Pinkie…Pinkie?”
“Yes Twilight?” Pinkie said, popping up between the two flailing hoof-puppets.
“What…was that?”
“The dramatic retelling of the death of Scootaloo’s parents, of course!”
Twilight gave her friend a half-lidded glare. “So you think Scootaloo…is an alien.”
“Well duh! Why else would she have those thingies on her back?”
“Because she is a pegasus and those are her wings?”
“…oh.” Pinkie tapped her chin. “But that doesn’t mean she isn’t an alien, right? We can’t be too sure, can we?”
Twilight opened her mouth to argue, only to snap it shut at the wide eyed look Pinkie was giving her. “Fine…she could be an alien…whose parents were too stupid to build a spaceship big enough for all of them to ride in and who thought they could see through her eyes after they were burned to death by an exploding sun. Great story, next time add some pirates.”
Twilight stood up to leave, only for find herself shoved back down. “But I’m not done yet, Twilight! Don’t you want to know how Scoota-Loo came to Ponyville?”
“…you’re going to tell me even if I say no, aren’t you?” Pinkie nodded her head happily. “Fine.” Twilight sat down next to Pound and Pumpkin, the latter offering her a flashlight to suck on. “I’m good, thanks.”
~5 Years Earlier…~
“Come on, Scootaloo, let’s go!”
The happy little filly trotted after her adopted mother and father as they made their way down the dirty, obviously crime-filled alley. Scootaloo had truly lucked out. When her rocket had crashed in Equestria it had been found by a wealthy Manehattan couple who had adopted her and raised her in the lap of luxury. She had been given the best of everything and she knew nothing but joy and happiness.
“This isn’t going to end well, is it?”
Her father, Easy Target, calmly led his wife, Easy Pickings, down the alley, Scootaloo only a few steps behind.
“…oh boy.”
“Honey, are you sure this is wise?” Easy Pickings asked, pulling her expensive coat tighter around her neck. “I am, after all, wearing my most expensive and easiest to fence pearls…”
Easy Target laughed at his wife’s obviously misplaced fears. He took out a fat wad of bills and began to count it, something that always helped calm his nerves. “Sweetheart, please! We are rich and powerful…nothing bad will happen to us.”
“Excuse me,” a rough looking pony said, stepping in front of them.
“MUGGER!” Easy Target screamed, throwing his wife in-between himself and the thug. Easy Pickings let out a cry as she slipped, smashing her head against the ground and ending her life within a second. Easy Target didn’t even notice as he was too busy trying to escape the robbery...
…only to trip over Scootaloo and fall into a woodchipper.
“Why would there be a woodchipper in an alley?”
“To get rid of the trees…duh!”
“But there aren’t trees in an alley!”
“Because the woodchipper already chipped them up!”
“Geez, I was just going to ask for the time…” the ‘thug’ said in shock. He looked down at Scootaloo and gave her a gentle pat on the head. “Listen little filly, I’ll go get a doctor, ok?” He looked at her adopted parents, eyebrow raised. “Of course, considering how stupid those two were, you might be better off an orphan…” he quickly galloped off as the other ‘rough’ and ‘tough’ ponies moved in to try and comfort the crying filly.
Scootaloo shook her head, trembling as she walked over to her father, who was quickly being chewed up by the woodchipper. “Dad…”
“Scootaloo…listen….don’t…don’t be…”
“Afraid?” Scootaloo asked.
“I was going to say poor but I guess that works too.”
And then he died.
~MC~MC~MC~
Pumpkin and Pound Cake looked at Twilight and the unicorn got the distinct impression that the twins were silently begging her to take them with her and not leave them alone with the obviously insane pink mare or the two gossips they called parents.
“You are going to have so many therapy bills,” Twilight muttered, the twins nodding in agreement. “Well, this has been…strange, but I didn’t smash my head against a table so I’d say you have been the best pony I talked to today, Pinkie. Congrats. Now, I really-“
Pinkie spun around Twilight like a mini-hurricane, the unicorn letting out a yelp when she realized she had been duct taped to the bed. “Nuh uh uh! I’m not done yet, Twilight, so you just sit right there and listen!” Pinkie got a slightly deranged look in her eye. “Or else.”
“Uh…Pinkie…have you ever read the book Misery?”
“Nope! Why do you ask?”
“…no reason,” Twilight said meekly.
~MC~MC~MC~
Scootaloo sat in the recliner, staring up at the night sky. She was dressed in a red bathrobe, her normally spikey purple mane hanging limp as she turned her attention to the portrait of her adopted parents.
“Mom…dad…and, uh…other mom and dad who also died…I will avenge your deaths. I will become a watchful guardian…a silent protector. I will be the mistress of the shadow…no…that is what I am now!” Scootaloo leapt up, striking a dramatic pose. “I am the mistress of the shadows! I am the guardian of the night! I am the avenger of wrongs! I am the terror…that flaps in the night! I am…”
Daring mare of mystery
Champion of right!
Swoops out of the shadows
Guardian of the night!
Somewhere some villain schemes
But his numbers up!
( 4, 3, 2, 1!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(When there’s trouble, call MDW!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(Let’s Get Dangerous!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(Mare-Do, Mare-Do-Well!)
Cloud of smoke and she appears
The mistress of surprise!
Who’s that daring mare behind
The shadowy disguise?
Nopony knows for sure
Bad guys are out of luck!
Here comes
Mare-Do-Well! (lookout!)
(When there’s trouble, call MDW!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(Let’s Get Dangerous!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(Better watch out you bad colts!)
Mare-Do-Well!
“Uh…Pinkie?”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Pinkie…we were Mare-Do-Well.”
The happy pink baker blinked, still panting after her song about the great Mare-Do-Well, before giving Twilight a condescending smile and a pat on the head. “Silly Twilight! We’re Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “We were also Mare-Do-Well…remember?’
“Uh…nope!”
“Pinkie, I can literally see your costume hanging in your closet!” Pinkie turned and found that, yes, the Mare-Do-Well costume was there. “I am concerned you can’t remember…I think you might have brain damage! And that’s coming from somepony that bashed her head against two different tables today!”
“Twilight, you can’t damage your brain! That’s why heads are so hard! Watch!” Pinkie Pie giggled, trotting over to her end table and giving it such a smack that it rendered her unconscious.
Pumpkin Cake crawled over to Pinkie, poking her. Twilight, realizing this was her chance, broke free of the duct tape and quickly made for the window only to find the twins look at her with pleading eyes. “Sorry, find your own escape route!”
And with that, Twilight leapt from the window and hurried off.
Instantly Pinkie Pie leapt up, giving the twins a hug. “And that is how you prank Twilight Sparkle! Next time I’ll show you how to mess around with Dashie!”