Booky, you honestly won’t believe the nightday and daynight I’ve had! Great things have come to pass and greater things lurk on the horizon yet! Sure, there were a few unfortunate encounters that I would rather have not happened, but the positively magic event that followed more than made up for it!
On that note, I must mention how evil I am feeling right now. It isn’t often that I get that warm and fuzzy feeling deep within my heart. I’m not even kidding about it, I desperately felt the urge to go and find a cat to stroke malevolently whilst I contemplate my plan. Can you believe that?! How often does anypony get to feel that pure evil flow through their being?! It’s an evil so dark that it requires the use of props to properly display to others! However, I must stick to going over things in the order in which they occurred. Otherwise, I’ll be here all damn evenoring (Yep, that’s a thing now.) going over how giddy I am over the wonderfulness that occurred to me.
As with any great story, mine started out with an unfortunate tragedy that befell me whilst I was occupied with thoughts. It may come as a surprise to you, but this horrible moment actually marks my very first kiss. Confusing? Well, I’ll get to it in the coming paragraphs.
I left the house with plenty of time to be fashionably late to meet Octavia at her house. Aware of the acute possibility that I might complete plan GETTING’ BUSY, I decided to adorn myself and V with the nicest bowtie things that Rarity provided. Let me be straight with you; we looked fucking sharp. Mares and stallions alike were awed by our very presence…well…more like MY presence rather than V’s, after all, no shame to her or anything, but I had my hotness on high and my SWAG turned on. There was little that could be done for the onlookers trapped by my stunning combo of SWAG and hotness.
During this calm before the storm, several ponies actually said hi rather than waving from a distance. Many of them said something along the lines of a compliment or something, but I paid them no mind. The only three faces I recognized were met with extreme feelings (Either pleasantness or innate desire to destroy.) from me. I’ll start with the most pleasant of the bunch.
Remember that stallion who gave me a rose a few days ago or something? No? Well shame on you, Booky. I’m docking a brownie point for that. Anyhue, he approached me again nightday and gave me a whole freaking bouquet of roses this time around. Can you freaking believe this guy?! I’d love to know his name so that I could remember to actually say hi to him every now and never, but he rushed off just like last time. I swear, he looked like a caramel-colored blur the way he appeared and disappeared. Not taking any chances, I decided that I could be later than I planned on being with Octavia by giving her the roses to make up for it. Yep, things were going pretty well right there.
The second pony who got a special reaction out of me was none other than Lyra the Destroyer. Dear Celestia, I swear she actively tries to butcher language itself, which would mean that the previous encounter wasn’t just a fluke. I refuse to repeat what she said this time. I won’t have your innocence ruined by her forked tongue. It’s bad enough that I had to hear it, but for V to hear her talk was too much. I mean come on; the poor girl’s just a stupid little filly. There’s absolutely no damn reason she should have her world view of language raped at such an age! However, I realized that freaking out and stamping the fires of ignorance out would be a bad way to start the nightday (That realization would come back to bite my flank quicker than I had predicted it would.) and, thusly, I maintained my cool and simply greeted her and wished her well.
Imagine my surprise when the most obvious agent of the conspiracy against me, Rose, appeared from the crowd with a beaming smile. Being in a traumatized state from enduring Lyra the Evil’s annoyance, I was just about ready to buck her away before she could ruin my nightday. Imagine my further surprise when she hoofed over a few bits whilst blushing madly. I still don’t quite get why she did that. Her course of actions went from saying hi to me, to saying hi to V, to complimenting our attires, to blushing madly, and, finally, to giving me money. That’s a train of events that got derailed somewhere along the way. I haven’t even a bucking clue as to why she would do that. I’m grateful she did as I was actually banking on Octavia paying for the meal. So I thanked her before trotting along with V beaming happily. I’m glad the little critter actually enjoyed all the attention. That way I know she won’t mind when I put her between crowds and me.
Do you see how life likes to falter? At first, I get roses, then I have my ears raped, and then somepony gave me money. I was stupid not to call life on its bluff right then and there. I probably would’ve fared much better had I done so.
The horror began after I had safely secured the roses and bits into my saddlebag. Why didn’t I pay attention? Why didn’t my damn Annoysense (Yeah, that’s a thing now.) warn me of the oncoming peril? AND WHY THE TARTARUS CAN’T THAT RETARD WATCH WHERE SHE’S FLYING?!
Yep, you guessed it. My nightday was initially ruined by none other than Derptard herself.
I turned around, blissfully unaware of the crap life was about to take on me, and came face to face with the retarded bane of my existence. There was only a split second of realization as I saw her misaligned eyes approach me at lightning speed before the collision. For exactly two minutes I felt nothing but a distinct pressure in three places. One, on my nose where the brunt of the hit occurred. Two, on my body after she flung my glorious self to the ground and landed upon me. And three, on my lips where her lips pressed up against mine. In a move that has haunted me since and forever will; my natural reaction was to kiss back.
By the crinkle of your pages, I'm guessing I didn't mention that her lips were puckered and making kissing motions.
Before I could take the necessary action of destroying her, the first feeling I got beyond the numbness of the impact was the pain in my nose and the wetness of blood running out of my nostrils.
Naturally, the retard tried to apologize to me profusely as I unevenly screamed in both rage and pain. V hurried to my rescue and helped me up and hugged me worriedly around my foreleg. That move, though restricting my potential for destroying the retard, earned her twenty brownie points, which puts her five beneath you. Despite that hindrance, it felt nice to actually have somepony comfort me in some way. For exactly one second I was happy V was there for me. Why only one second? Well, that second moment was the one where I realized how much in the right I’d be to absolutely obliterate Derpy right then and there.
My reasoning for not doing so? Well, by the time I realized ready I was to kill her, we were both surrounded by ponies trying to help us. Actually, they were surrounding Derptard and trying to help her. It’s that kind of stuff that helped me realize that a conspiracy DOES exist. Otherwise how would they all know to protect her?
Anyslay, I was not without aid. Rose and the lesbian (Yeah, I’m not entirely sure where she came from either.) were both assisting me with concerned eyes. It was their eyes that made me realize something that has only further engrained my hatred for Derpy. Rather than the half-lidded gaze that should have been there, they were both filled with concern and worry.
Allow me to take a moment to tell you something that will never be forgotten. Derpy Hooves broke my SWAG. That’s right; the one nightday I pull it out with the intent of using it and it gets broken by a flying retard. As you are probably now aware, I did not get laid and thus plan GETTING’ BUSY failed nightday. However, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t any success. That just means that Derpy sabotaged my secret weapon.
Something I won’t soon forget.
Rose had to get back to work and thus did not stay to make sure I was okay. By go back to work, I actually mean that she went to report to her superiors that their plan worked perfectly. I must admit, I’m actually impressed by the complexity of her distracting me with money and thus allowing the Derptard to bash my face in with her face.
The lesbian lingered long enough to make sure nothing serious was wrong. I had feared that my nose was broken and would look all crooked and crap, but she assured me that nothing was wrong. Rainbow actually earned herself five brownie points by calming me down with her compliments on my attire and her assurances that there was little to no swelling from the impact.
Normal Ipsa would’ve then have taken the opportunity to verbally destroy the crying retard. WHY THE HAY WAS SHE CRYING WHEN I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT HURT? Ugh, stupid idiot. Luckily for her, normal Ipsa probably had a concussion or something and thus was kept at bay while not-normal Ipsa thanked the lesbian before heading on his merry way to meet Octavia.
The date went splendidly after a clunky start. You see, in the time it took for me to arrive to Octavia’s, my nose actually swelled up a bit. Yep, I greeted her looking like a bucking clown. She hid her surprise wonderfully and took the flowers with a blush. I cannot help but state that had my SWAG not been broken, then she would’ve swooned right there.
The food was nice enough for my tastes. We went to some café or something not very fancy. I can’t really remember too well considering my possible concussion. I can tell you that our conversation went swimmingly. We mostly talked about music…well…she talked about music while I added my opinion when applicable. She has led such an interesting life. I’d relate it all to you, but that would be rude.
What has sold me on feelings for her is that she actually LISTENED when I told her some of the happier experiences I’ve endured. Mainly, I told her of the time I tried my hoof at the piano, my original button collection, my record-breaking fall from the roof of Ponyville’s hospital, my crazy uncle Shenanigan who married a tree, my quiet aunt Pine who WAS a tree, and about the time I got hit by the Friendship Express. She really enjoyed hearing about all of that. Too bad I couldn’t tell her the whole story about any of it. How my piano teacher is currently in prison for using his lessons to molest foals (I was not one of the ones that got bad touched, as my dad refused to pay for any more lessons.), about how I have nightmares sometimes about the screaming agony of my button collection as it melted in the fire, the fact that the record-breaking fall was a bone-breaking suicide attempt, about the murder-suicide committed by my aunt and uncle, or that the incident with the Friendship Express was yet another suicide attempt.
V, bless her heart, just sat there and listened in like she always does. Whenever the situation called for it and it was appropriate, V would laugh along with us and giggled whenever she knew the funny part of a story was coming up. She even ate her salad adorably. The best part about having her there? V kept her eyes on the unicorn stalker that always appears whenever I’m around Octavia.
The date ended with my second kiss ever! This one was a lot nicer than the first and I actually felt like trotting on clouds for a bit afterward. It occurred inside her wonderfully furnished apartment which I had to enter due to V having to go potty. I swear, that girl set that situation up for me. She’s my damn wing-filly!
That’s three brownie points for her! You’d better watch your ass, Booky.
I returned home quickly due to not wanting to encounter the Derptard and encountered her anyway at my front door. She was waiting with slightly puffing eyes from crying and a look of hopeful guilt that I will cherish. That look also proves that she’s not entirely clueless as she realized that she had made a mistake. Lucky for her, I was still riding high off Octavia’s kiss for my rage to take over. Plus, I was still woozy from the possible concussion.
She apologized exactly forty times before giving me a massive bag of freshly baked muffins. As if that wasn’t enough, she begged and pleaded with me to allow her a chance to make up for her blunder. Yeah no, I told her to bugger off before I destroyed her entirely.
Nah, I’m just messing with you.
I couldn’t take an aggressive approach as my concussion was preventing focus and there were still ponies about who would witness any misdeed. I politely told her that my schedule can’t accommodate for anything at the moment and that I was already late for work. I’m glad that lie worked…I’m not sure how long I could’ve held up from bucking her face in.
Work wasn’t anything epic. V and I enjoyed a quiet night with Carty as we shared the muffins while I picked up garbage. There was only one item I could find that was sellable and thus rendered the shift a failure. However, that find is what is going to allow me to be naughty and evil.
Booky, allow me to present you with the knowledge that I found a diamond-studded tiara over near the schoolhouse. You see, I recognize this thing as belonging to a certain target of my rage. Oh yes, my evil will be well served with this thing.
What should I do? Make V wear it to school? Melt it? Destroy it in front of the little crap? Wear it myself? Or just sell it to somepony Diamond Tiara hates so that she can see them wear it? THERE ARE SO MANY POSSIBILITIES! The best part about it is that there is absolutely nothing she can do to get it back from me!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
No, but seriously, I think I have a concussion and I have to take the brat to school in a few hours. So sleepy time awaits.
Brownie Count:
You: 26
V: 24
Rainbow ‘Lesbian’ Dash: 5