E.Q.G. (extremely queer guesses)

by SevenEyes


1 Why

It was such a wonderful day in Ponyville. Just so so wonderful. Well, that is if you excuse all the horrors that occur when the mane six aren’t in town.

Bugbear bites, Changeling chaos, Cockatrice complaints, Parasprite plagues, Timberwolf troubles, and Ursa Major mauling. These were all happening simultaneously, in the otherwise wonderfully quiet little town.

Meanwhile the main characters (and Spike) were just about to exit the Crystal Empire train, which was unsurprisingly headed towards the Crystal Empire. Unlike the last time that the team (also Spike) arrived, there was no blizzard or evil-crystal-smoke-king waiting to kill them. So that was nice.

It was just unfortunate that they were going to arrive at the Crystal Empire exactly five minutes later than expected. Those extra five minutes of the journey had caused complete disarray amongst Equestria’s mightiest heroes (Spike too).

Pinkie Pie was on a snack fuelled sugar rush, due to her extra candy consumption in the last five minutes. She was telling anypony who would listen, and many who rather wouldn't, her entire life story.

Applejack was threatening to sue nopony in specific over the time she was wasting waiting on ‘this here train’. She reasoned, as some of the keen eared travellers that were very near her could tell you, that she should be spending her time working at Sweet Apple Acres. That work would prevent her most beloved farm, from becoming a desolate wasteland. Just like it nearly had in the previous episode.

Rarity was literally talking about ‘getting your beauty sleep’. She had woken up from her own beauty sleep by Pinkie and AJ’s chattering. Now this was just terrible.

The terrors of this reality did not stop there, as within the debatably miss-titled ‘interesting pony’ car of the train, Twilight Sparkle was hurriedly trying to stop time again! She wanted to avoid the immense embarrassment of being tardy, and tardy for an audience with her favourite princess no less. Thus she was looking through a book (the very same book that had helped turn her into an Alicorn in the first place) for a timely solution.

Fluttershy was crying loudly over the fact that a stupid bug had splattered against the intelligent window and was fighting for its little life.

Rainbow Dash was acting like a true true friend by trying to comfort and reason with both of them, at the same time. But they were far apart in the car so Dash had to fly from one to the other when it was time for her to help, and it was always time for her to help.

Spike was there, errrr, somewhere? Probably stored away with the luggage, trying hard not to start a fire by breathing too hard or something.

Eventually, or five minutes later depending on whether you're Spike or not, the train arrived at the station. So everypony could just calm down. However Twilight Sparkle was quick to point out that it would also be correct, due to relativity, to say that the station had arrived at the train. Applejack, being the dependable one was equally quick to call her a 'Nerd'.

Spike was relieved once he leaned that all of his pony friends' character traits and quirks had been thoroughly explained in the last minutes of the train ride. At least that was over and done with, for all the new viewers of the movie they were in.

Ah yes the movie, Spike smiled to himself at the thought. It had only taken 3 seasons and it was really happening! Hopefully this meant he would get his own character arc. Very exciting. Then he would finally achieve respect from fans and friends alike, and become the one true go-

Wait, what was that?

They were doing character introductions again?

Without him! He wouldn’t stand for this, so he scurried over to them on all fours like a dog (ooooooh foreshadowing!!) towards them.

“Hooweee, you’re very first princess summit, you must be over the moon Twilight,” Applejack stated her honest assumption.

“I am excited but to be honest I’m a little nervous as well,” Twilight explained magically through the power of a pony talking.

“You’re nervouscited!! It’s like you want to jump up and down and yell 'yay me!' But you also want to curl into a teeny tiny ball and hide at the same time. We’ve all been there,” Pinkie laughed.

“I’m there almost every day,” Fluttershy kindly added her vital input to the conversation.

“You've got no reason to fret Twilight everything's gonna be just—”

“TWILIGHT!” With a generous dose of decibels Rarity shrieked; then continued at a more appropriate volume, “Oh pardon me darling, but I just realised you're not wearing your crown. You haven't left it back in Ponyville have you?”

“It's in my bag. You all brought along your own elements right?”

There was a brief silence as her friends who were rather more nervous, than nervouscited as they glanced at each other.

After the momentary hesitation Fluttershy stepped forward. “Well maybe we'll only need the crown to defeat whatever evil we're forced to confront, via a ridiculous plot contrivance,” She suggested hopefully.

“You said it Shy!” Rainbow Dash cheered, her loyalty to her friend shining brightly. ”We have such an awesome track record when it comes to defeating evil that I bet pretty soon we won’t ever need the elements ever again.”

Twilight remained initially unconvinced. But then again, she mused, when had Rainbow ever been anything other than one hundred percent right about absolutely anything. But Twilight was more than a statistician, so that knowledge didn’t stop her from looking towards her non-owl assistant for reassurance.

Twilight saw him patting a bag of hers. She counted the pats. One. Two. Three. Yup that was their secret code of friendship for friendship emergencies. Three pats meant 'trust your friends and all will be well'. Twilight felt a bit silly for needing to be reminded to have faith in the five (six if you include Spike which she certainly didn’t) that had been through so much with her.

It was their vibrant history together that had strengthened the bonds of friendship. Twilight was sure it would be the end of any evil that the lot of them came across this time, and the next, and the next after that. Her life might be one fight after another but at least she had her completely irreplaceable adult friends, who were certainly not bickering teenagers, to rely on at all times (or a mercifully quiet baby dragon).

-------

“You’re late,” Celestia spoke, looking at her tardy student and the other current bearers of the elements of harmony (Spike kind of tried to use an element once, does that count?). “Five whole minutes late; time doesn’t grow on trees you know, we have to mine that shit.”

“Erm, what?” Twilight was quick to fail to articulate her complete bewilderment, at the multitude of things that confused her from her former mentor’s brief chiding.

The sun princess let out a ridiculously long sigh. How had her most faithful student not delved into the restricted sections of the libraries, then learnt of the secret workings of this world, and really just got on Celestia's level for once? Why it seemed like only yestermoon that her previous former student had started reading books not meant for her. Hmm, now if those two ponies were ever to meet that would solve everything, right?.

Finally done sighing, Celestia turned to yawning. Many would expect Celestia to know the exact time at any point in her magically brought about day. But as with many things, the knowledge of the many underweights the knowledge of the few. So Celestia just guessed the time to be exactly bed time, therefore she loudly declared, “BED TIIIIME!!” in her royal Canterlot voice.

-------

Twilight was alone in the crystal bedroom she had for the night. She looked around, but in every reflection she saw, that familiar purple pony with two very unfamiliar appendages at her side. She decided, in an effort to embrace them, to give her wings a hug.

Let's see now, Twilight thought, if I twist round like this. No. If I go upside down. No. If I stand on my hind legs. Yes.

The newest alicorn had done it, she was at her maximum height with her wings crossed around her belly and her forelegs overlapping them. She considered that as she had wrapped her wings around herself before ‘hugging’ them, that it was like they were hugging her hugging them. Like a big group hug of two. Instead of a big group hug with her five friends.

On a completely unfriendship related note Spike walked in. “I call dibs on the world’s smallest crystal bed!” He said with childlike enthusiasm.

“No, you sleep on the floor. Below me, where you rightfully belong.”

Spike looked hurt for some reason, like a kicked canine. His sad puppy dog eyes cast to the ground as he began to sleep on the floor, not unlike a guard dog.