//------------------------------// // A Letter I Never Meant To Send // Story: Dear Family // by Melody Song //------------------------------// Dear Family, I know I’ve changed a lot over the years since I reformed. I honestly never thought I would have become the creature I am today. When I first came around I was tough and hard and, as some of you have called me, a tsundere (what a positively delightful nickname). But somehow, being reformed changed me, and I’m still not entirely sure how. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still an utterly depressed mess who, I will admit, sometimes deserves a good smack upside the head for the remarks I dole out. But you know I don’t really mean them (at least, I hope you know that). To be honest, I hadn’t felt truly happy ever since the only true mother figure I knew left me behind. Some days I still don’t think I ever will be happy again. But then you’re all there, and I know I haven’t said it enough, but… Thank you. Thank you for your endless patience with me when I’m being stubborn. Thank you for staying with me when I’m too depressed to move from my bed. Thank you for always providing the comfort and love I complain that I don’t need, but end up accepting anyway. You didn’t have to do that for me, but you still did, even though you could have left me alone like I would demand you to do. But I think we all know if you had, I’d have been lying on the bathroom floor with cut hooves a long time ago. I’m just glad you didn’t want that for me. I was still struggling even after the reformation, and I still am. I’m still not fully sure if it’s my own bucked up head or if it’s partly because I was so confused. You know how many emotions I went through during that time, you had to endure them as much as I did, and I’m sorry I would take them out on you. I felt like I was lost in a maze, and though I couldn’t bring myself to admit it… I was just so scared. My mind was running in circles and it still is. Was I gay? Was I just confusing my depression related thoughts with my personal feelings? Was I transgender? ...Was I just overthinking everything? I still don’t know how I figured everything out in the end. I don’t think I ever would have if it hadn’t been for you all. You listened to me when I was feeling up to voicing my concerns and you comforted me. Honestly, it was nice to know that I wouldn’t be one of the stories that we always hear about from the ponies. You know, the ones who voice it for even a second, and their family treats it like a joke, or even a threat, and sooner or later the unfortunate creature is standing on the sidewalk outside their house with all their worldly belongings that could fit inside a single bag, begging for mercy. You guys weren’t like that. None of you were. I guess it helped that most of you were all in the same boat as me, at some point. You all understood. Heck, I didn’t even need those ridiculous support groups some of you suggested (I didn’t go to those by the way, I just told you I did so you wouldn’t pull a guilt trip on me). You guys were a support group all by yourselves. And I can’t tell you how accepted that made me feel. You never pressured me into any one box. You let me explore them all myself, and figure out which ones I truly belonged in, or if I belonged in any one of them at all. Heck, I think the worst I ever felt around you guys was when one of you (you know who you are, stop blushing) walked in on me while I was “exploring” a new style. You all know what I’m talking about, I’m sure. I’m not going to bother even writing it down, in case someone starts snooping through my stuff looking for my so-called “plushie hoard” (it’s only two, geez, get off my back). I’ll just note that if I start hinting about a sale going on in Saddle Row in Manehattan, at least one of you knows what colors go best with my color scheme. Anyway… I’m sure you’re all still concerned about why I’m saying all this, and, well… I just… want to thank all of you, okay? And I’m pretty sure by now you’re probably terrified this is a suicide note (if I ever give this to you, which is unlikely). But it’s not, I swear. I know that it would be awful of me to give up on everything and everyone when I’ve come so far. If it happened, it’s not the life that could have been, it’s the life that was lived. And so far, I think I’ve come to a point where I love how my life has gone so far, and I don’t want to let that end here. I want you all to know how much I love you, and you know I’m terrible at proper communication. Before you ask, poetry is the language of saps who only want to write about the way light filters through blue curtains at dawn. Ugh, now I sound like them, great. Anyway, if the tear stains don’t dry out by the time I give this to you (again, not likely), then don’t worry. I just… look, I may not show any emotion besides anger most of the time but the tears still come out, okay? Don’t judge me… Well, that was a stupidly long introduction to the real purpose of this letter, but… I love you guys, and I want to thank you all, in no particular order. (Okay, maybe I’m gonna list you all by who my favorites are, but don’t take it personally, this is mostly just to organize it). So, uh, here we go. To my adorkable twin, Thank you for putting up with my attitude. I know I wear you down a lot, but honestly it’s just so fun. I do respect you, you know that. Teasing you and making you punch yourself is just my way of showing you I love you when I don’t feel like saying it, remember that. Since we were born you’ve always been by my side, clinging to me. While I used to think it was annoying, I guess eventually I realized the one who really didn’t want to let go was me. We truly are two sides of the same coin, aren’t we? Thank you for being the Gem to my Ini. To my loving hurricane, Thank you for supporting me even when you weren’t entirely sure how to help. I know you’re one of the only ones in my family who wasn’t truly able to understand what I was going through. But like me, you saw yourself as an outcast once, and you were even a thief too (no, I’m not going to say ‘you stole my heart’ so stop waiting for it, I’m no cheesy sap). You were able to use your own past experiences to at least make me feel a little less alone when I felt like an outcast, and you don’t know how much that means to me. Thank you for being the eye of my storm. To my Fathers, Thank you for supporting me. I know I wasn’t always easy to deal with, and I’m still not. But sometimes, honestly, I just want attention. I just want to feel special. As the oldest, I feel obliged to be the one you two never have to worry about, and I’m not going to lie, I didn’t like being ignored. But I know you never truly were ignoring me, and the few times you did, it was never on purpose. I know with one of you we had a bit of a rocky start, but now, I’m proud to call myself your child… your half-pint (whoever is laughing at this point, punch them for me, dad). Thank you for being the dads I never knew I wanted. To my true mom, Thank you for being the mother I needed. Even though you didn’t need to, you looked out for me. You looked at me, and you saw behind the mask I held up; you saw a scared little nymph who just needed love. And you gave it to me, no matter what. (Even when I let slip about a little crush on a specific red-schemed fellow apprentice). You could’ve left things the way they were, but instead you practically adopted me, and you made me your family from day one. I love you mom, and I wish you were here to see how much your little “angel from Elysium” has grown up. Thank you for being the fortune to my depression. To pesky sibling #2, Thank you for being yourself. Yeah, I know I always complain about you but honestly, you’re the only one who can make me smile when I’ve had just about enough of everything else. You’re not like the dork, even though you’re a total nerd (you know it’s true, just own it), and you actually sass me back when I try to snark with you. We may not be related by blood, but I promise, you’re my soul sister. Thank you for being the reason behind my voice. To my own son, Don’t be worried that you’re pretty much in the last three, kid. You know I love you, you’re my son in everything but blood. I see a lot of myself in you, including the things you pull to try to get attention. But you helped me too. You (and a certain winged friend of ours) helped me see that I don’t need to hide my interests from the creatures who love me, and it was the best way to just see how many of them truly cared. Thank you for being the hope to my bleakness. To my nephew, Yeah, you helped too, little grub (and sorry about you being ranked so far down the list, it’s nothing personal, I promise). You may not have realized it, but whenever I was with you, I honestly could never find it within myself to be mad, especially if it meant trying to take my anger out on you. You’re too innocent, grub, and I was never going to be anything but a proud uncle to you. And I know someday, you’ll meet someone (maybe even someone you already know) who shows you the love and appreciation you deserve. You’re a spunky little guy, with big dreams, and I hope they all come true. Thank you for being the light to my darkness. To my fellow tsundere, Yes, I’m thanking you. You and my hurricane were always there and ready to talk after our training. You barely knew me before we got into weekly training sessions, and even then you didn’t have to butt in on my private life. But the dork loves you, so I guess I do too. Either way, I don’t know if it was out of obligation or not (I’m inclined to say it wasn’t), but in the end, you heard me. More than that, you offered support and advice even though you insisted I shouldn’t take it to heart, and it really did help. So yes, thank you for being the spark in my ashes. Once again, no, I’m not leaving, so stop crying, the ones reading this who are huge saps (if you ever see this). I don’t plan on leaving for a long time. I just… had to get all this down before it got lost amid the other emotions in my head. I love you all, from the bottom of my heart. I hope you’ve learned that by now (and if you haven’t, smack yourself and read this letter again) Sincerely, Pharynx Ray Elytron, Pronouns He/Them Bisexual and Genderfluid, and bucking proud of it too.