//------------------------------//
// And Away We Go 
// Story: The Human Incident 
// by Boopy Doopy 
//------------------------------//

“You know,” Archard started as he lay down on the table, “I’m not normally one to complain, I’m really not, but I do think having my wrists chained up is just a tiny bit excessive. I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from.”
Twilight and Rarity paid no attention to him as the former ran around her lab grabbing stuff and making notes and the latter spent time measuring him and drawing in her sketchbook an outfit she was going to design for him. It left only Lyra to talk to him, which she was content with.
“We have to make sure you don’t try to hurt us, even if you Pinkie promised… do humans really not have any magic? My research says you have to take lightning out of the clouds for energy.”
“Also, are you a mare or a stallion, darling?” Rarity asked without looking up. “Forgive me if I can’t tell, but with your unique frame, it’s hard to judge.”
“Nope, no magic, but we don’t use lighting. That would be dangerous. We get energy the safe way, which is by burning stuff like coal and oil in factories and pumping the fumes into the air. Also, I’m not a stallion or a mare, because those words are only used for horses. I am a male though. Also, I’m pretty sure I could break out of this in, like, three seconds if I wanted to. I mean, you didn’t even use metal to chain me up. These are zip ties.”
“Interesting… how did you learn Ponish? Do they speak it where you come from?”
“Nope, we speak English, er, most of us do where I live anyway. It just so happens to be the same language, which is really weird I think… do ponies really eat hayburgers?”
“Yes, it’s actually one of Twilight’s favorite foods I heard, since ponies see her there so often.” The alicorn paused to send a frown the two’s way as she continued to run around her lab, Lyra continuing, “What’s a human’s favorite food?”
“Ummm pizza, I would say. Everyone likes pizza… except some people are heathens and think it’s okay to put pineapple on pizza.” He made a face and stuck his tongue out as he said, “Gross.”
“Note: don’t put pineapples on pizza,” Lyra said to herself as she wrote down what she was learning. “There’s so much good stuff you’re giving me!” she told him. “I think I’m definitely going to have enough for a second book, and maybe even a third!”
“Whoa, you’re going to write a book about me?” he asked. “Make sure to put in there that I’m six foot six and look like Tom Cruise. That would be cool. Although people probably don’t know who Tom Cruise is, but you should do it anyway!”
“...and looks… like… Tom… Cruise,” Lyra wrote down, much to Archard’s delight. As she did so, Twilight moved up with a tape measure and a magnifying glass to finally start examining him, taking a look at his ears and eyes first.
“Hmmm… looks like its eye is in the shape of a ball…” she commented as she used her hooves to pull his eyelids apart, forced to do so because of her magic’s lack of effect on him. “Very strange,” she mumbled as she wrote it down, moving on to inspect his other eye, as though it would be different.
“Are you saying you guys don’t have eyeballs?” Archard asked. “What do you have then? Cause they look like eyeballs to me.”
“Ponies have eye plates,” Lyra explained as Twilight moved to look at his ears and mouth. “Actually, I’m pretty sure every creature has them. Having a ball for an eye would be weird.”
“Uhh, I think everything where I come from has eyeballs. Except jellyfish, but they don’t count cause they don’t have eyes. And I guess other stuff, but you get what I’m saying. Things don’t have eye plates. That’s weird.”
“No, it’s weird to have balls in your head,” Lyra argued. “You have to see out of balls.”
“Well when you say it like that it’s weird, and also lewd as hell, but it’s not actually that weird. Eye plates are what’s weird. I mean, how can you even-” He was suddenly cut off by Twilight using her hooves to open his mouth and inspect it.
“Hmmmm… looks like it has both canines and molars… I guess we could feed him hay and grass and things like that.”
“Ihm naht guna eea hayr,” he protested, getting a confused look from Twilight until she realized she was still forcing his mouth open. “I’m not gonna eat hay,” he said again once his mouth was free. “Hay is gross, and so is grass. I’ll eat… uh, bread. And rice and potatoes.”
“Well, I guess we can do that, as long as you’re not planning on eating cows.”
“Why? Hamburgers are gooooood…” The response caused Lyra and Twilight to grimace and cringe, Rarity too focused on what she was doing to hear what he was saying.
“Let's… move on please,” Twilight decided, moving down to examine his stomach. “Can you take off your shirt for me?”
“I would, but my hands are laundry detergent,” he responded before laughing at his own dumb joke, not caring about the weird looks he got.  “But seriously, my hands are tied, so there’s not much I can do, unless I broke your zip tie, which would be pretty rude  and you'd probably get mad and have a freak out if I did.”
“Well, I guess we can always cut them off.”
“Whoa, you’re going to cut off my hands?” he asked, although he didn’t sound particularly serious or afraid. “That seems a bit excessive, I think. You could just cut the tie.”
“What? No! We’re going to cut off your shirt, obviously!”
“Oh, well, I guess that makes more sense, but I’d really rather not have my shirt cut, either. Like I said, I made this myself, so…”
“Well, I’m cutting it off so I can take a look at you,” she decided, floating over a pair of scissors.
“No!” he said, his carefree tone gone, and replaced with the sound of authority in his voice. “I don’t want my shirt cut, and that’s that. You can take it off if you want to see what I look like, but it’s not getting cut.”
“Alright, fine,” Twilight said as she rolled her eyes, moving her hooves to the edge of his shirt. “I’ll just roll it up then. It’s not as good, but it’ll have to do, I guess.”
“Note to self, humans don’t like having their clothes destroyed,” Lyra said aloud as she wrote it down.
“To be fair though,” Rarity interjected without looking up, “I wouldn’t want my clothing destroyed, even if it was as tacky looking as that poor creature’s, especially if I made it myself.”
“Hey! My costume isn’t tacky!”
“Oh, yes, it absolutely is. For starters…”
As Archard and Rarity debated on whether his clothes were fashionable or not, Twilight got to work on seeing his stomach and chest, noting that he looked a bit bony from what she could tell. He didn’t have much fat or muscle on him, and she silently wondered how he was able to stand and carry his weight. It must have been difficult to do.
She used her hooves to feel around a bit, tickling him a bit as she pressed his chest and stomach as though she was a doctor, determining that his skeletal structure was similar to that of a minotaur. That was actually the best way to describe him. The less fearsome version of a minotaur, one without fur or horns and much less muscular. Seeing him like this helped calm her nerves. She didn’t think a creature who looked like this could really do much harm, and her fear would’ve been gone completely had he not said he ate cows and could destroy whole cities.
Twilight moved her hooves down to start undoing his pants when she got a jerk of his hips away from her, making her jump back in surprise.
“Oh, no,” the human protested. “You are not pulling down my pants. This isn’t one of those fanfictions.”
“I need to examine you, and I already did your head and barrel, so-”
“Where I come from, we have something called modesty,” he explained as he jerked his hips away from her again, “and I’d like to keep being modest, thank you very much. Or at least wait until the third date.”
“What’s there to be modest about?” the mare asked as she struggled to try and stop him from wiggling around. “I’m sure you look the same as every other creature, and you don’t see any of us wearing pants.”
“You're right. I do look the same as every other male creature down there, which is why you should just use your imagination and respect my decision to not strip in front of you.”
“Just let- let me… undo your pants!” Twilight demanded, trying to undo the button of his jeans. “Stop resisting me!”
“You know, out of context this would look really bad!” he commented as he continued to move his hips away from her. “And sound really bad, too! You should probably stop!”
“Ugh, fine!” she declared, finally throwing her hooves in the air over her head. “But I’m taking a blood sample, and you won’t stop me from doing that.”
“Uhhh, I hope you don’t have to use a needle, because I really, really don’t like those. Like, it’s almost a phobia.”
“Oh, of course, you don't like them,” Twilight mumbled as she searched for something to draw blood. “If that’s true, then how did you sew that costume?”
“That’s not the same at all. Getting my blood taken and using a needle to design an outfit are two different things. Rarity will agree with me, right Rarity?”
“Not now, darling, I’m still working,” the unicorn responded, waving a hoof in his direction dismissively. “Need to get you out of that dreadful thing and into something decent.”
“Well, I think the point stands anyway. I don’t want to have a needle inside me.”
“I have to say, I am curious about his blood,” Lyra said. “My research says it should be able to heal a pony’s injuries… but I’m not sure if we should risk it escaping…”
“It’s not going to escape, we have it tied up, and if it does, I can shoot another blast of magic at it.” As she said it, she held up the needle she was going to use, continuing, “Anyway, there shouldn’t be an issue. But lock the door please, Lyra.”
“Do you know how creepy this is?” Archard asked as he lay on the table. “This is going to end up being like Saw or something. Actually, no. It’ll be like Hostel. You’re gonna pay ponies to torture me if you don’t torture me yourself.”
“It’s not creepy,” Twilight explained. “I’m doing what every scientist does and examining you.”
“That’s what the guy in Hostel said! And then he killed the other guy! If you start drilling holes in my body, I’m going to be so mad!”
“Why would I- what? What kind of place are you from where you would think I would do something like that?”
“I don’t know, but you’re the one who tickled me and then chained me up here, so…”
“I did that because you said you said you were going to destroy the whole city and my library, so why would I let you out after that?”
“No, I said Tirek would destroy your library, and that humans have weapons that can destroy whole cities. I specifically can’t destroy a whole city. Well, I could, but it would take a very long time and a lot of effort. Like, a month, at least, especially if I’m doing it all by hand.”
“See? You said you could destroy a whole city! That means we have to keep you locked up!”
“I’m not gonna though!” he argued. “I Pinkie promised and everything that I wouldn’t do that!”
“Yeah, well, even if you did, I still want to examine you, and I can’t have you running off when I try to take your blood.”
“Yeah, well… I promise, if that thing touches me, I will scream, break these zip ties, and run away, so… you have been warned, just so you know. Don’t blame me.”
“Whatever, I can keep him here.” Twilight thought to herself as she approached with the needle. “I mean, he is dangerous, but he’s not as big of a threat as I thought before. I’ll just hit him with another magic blast, and that should… tickle him, I guess.”
“I’ll do it,” he told the mare as she got close, looking her in the eye as she held the needle in her hoof. “I promise I will. Don’t test me.”
“I really think he’ll do it, Twilight,” Lyra cautioned. “My notes say humans are agile, so he can probably escape if he runs. I mean, weren’t you the one who was worried about him being dangerous to begin with?”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure everything is going to be fine.”
“Okay, but when you’re wrong like you were about humans existing, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”
Archard made sure to look Twilight in the eye and raise his eyebrow as she brought the needle to his skin.



The smell of tea brought Spike back to wakefulness.
He rubbed his eyes as he yawned, stretching as he sat up, looking around and trying to remember where he was. He remembered seeing Rarity (like he could ever forget) and running to somepony’s home about… something. Something beige if he remembered correctly. Or maybe more tan. Tannish pink, with a dash of ivory? He didn’t know, but the color stuck out in his head. It definitely wasn’t one he saw every day.
And being called cute. He remembered that, too, and he stuck out his tongue because of it. He wasn’t cute. He was a dragon! He was ferocious!... well, not yet, but he would be one day! He certainly wasn’t adorable, that was for sure.
But the smell of tea called him, and he put it out of his head as he sat up and followed his nose to the kitchen, realizing he was in Fluttershy’s cottage. And in it he saw… Fluttershy, which he couldn’t say was a surprise. He saw Discord with her as well, which… also wasn’t a surprise, seeing as she was essentially his best (and perhaps only) friend. Apparently, he came to Fluttershy’s cottage during the two’s tea party.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Twilight Sparkle’s little stooge,” Discord teased as he took a sip of tea. “You know, some creatures consider it rude to interrupt ponies during their bi-monthly tea time, although it doesn’t appear that you’re one of those creatures.”
“Be nice, Discord,” the yellow pegasus reprimanded lightly. “He ran all the way here to tell us something important, isn’t that right, Spikey?”
“Uh, yeah, I did,” he confirmed, yawning again. “But I- I can’t remember what it was going to be… something beige, 
I thought. How long was I asleep?”
“Not that long, only a few minutes, maybe half an hour at most. Would you like to join us for tea? I made enough for the three of us.”
The dragon shrugged and answered, “Sure.”
“Absolutely not,” Discord frowned. “This is our private tea party, and I refuse to have other individuals partake. That little fax machine of a dragon will just have to find tea elsewhere.”
“Hey!”
“Discord…”
“What?” he asked defensively. “It’s true. He is a little fax machine, see?” He snapped his fingers and Spike watched as his body was replaced with a strange machine with numerous buttons.
“Discord!” Spike complained. “Change me back!”
“Only if you agree that this tea is strictly for Fluttershy and I.”
“Discord, be nice,” Fluttershy told him again. “He can have a cup of tea if he’d like. Oh! He could even join us. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
“No, that sounds horrific. Having tea with a fax machine? I’m the Lord of Chaos, and even I think that sounds ridiculous.” Fluttershy frowned sadly at that, putting on her best puppy dog eyes, but the draconequus wasn’t having it, waving a hand at her.
“You won’t get me to change my mind,” he told her. “I’m as solid as a rock in my position.” As he said it, he knocked on his head with the rock he now had for a hand.
“Okay…” the pegasus said sadly, sniffling a bit for show, making sure he could see that he was making her sad. Discord took a sip of his tea and a bite of his sandwich as he watched her, able only to keep his composure for a moment before giving in to her request.
“Fine,” he announced, snapping his fingers to change Spike back and floated him up to a seat at the table. “He can have one cup of tea with us, but that’s it. And I certainly don’t want any other ponies coming here and interrupting us.”
Just as he said it, there was a knock on Fluttershy’s door. A second after that, somepony, or, in this case, some creature, let itself into her cottage.
“Sorry…” Archard got out breathlessly as he quickly went inside and shut the door behind him. “I don’t mean… to bother you… but… needles… and chickens… and Hostel... ah… I’m just gonna… gonna take a breather for a minute… thanks…” He bent over and put his hands on his knees to breathe better.
“Humph,” Discord grumbled as both Fluttershy and Spike stared wide-eyed at the human. “More distractions from our tea. How predictable.”