//------------------------------//
// Chapter 66 
// Story: Refined Starlight in a Broken Vessel 
// by the-pieman 
//------------------------------//

As I’m led to the barracks, I note something interesting that I almost missed. A stone idol placed outside by the door. Very small, just barely up to my shin. A little roughly carved, but clearly in the design of an alicorn standing with wings splayed and presenting it’s horn upwards. Something like this placed by a door, and of a building like this... a shrine? I knew ponies had a tendency to be minorly religious, but I don’t think I’ve seen anything like this. The castle grounds had some large statues of ponies in the garden... but this idol here is small and it’s not masterfully smoothed, as if it’s presence is more important than its presentation.

I figure I may as well ask the pegasi by my sides. “So what’s with the shrine, there?”

The one to my right nods. “Oh, yeah. That’s a thing that the batponies do. They have statuettes of Princess Luna. She’s really important to them, and they show it a lot. I know Princess Celestia doesn’t like seeing this kind of thing made for her and placed about, but Luna hasn’t said anything so we all just assume she’s fine with ‘em.”

“Probably should tell you this before we go in.” The other one speaks, his brother-slash-partner nodding with a short ‘oh, yeah’. “Thestrals, that’s a nicer name for batponies, are pretty different. They’re great to have as backup if something goes wrong but they’re a bit uh... different.”

I roll my eyes and put my hands in my pockets. “Got any other adjectives to use, or is ‘different’ all I’m getting from you?”

“They’re pretty serious. You don’t wanna get them angry, they don’t mess around much like pegasi do.” and the conversation is passed back. “Yeah, they are not pegasi, don’t let the wings fool ya. Thestrals can be real friendly, mind. But thestrals in the Night Guard aren’t like any other tribe in the ranks.”

“Alright, I get it.” I say, taking my hands out of my pockets to shrug from my elbows. “They’re creepy and intense, so try not to be a dick.”

The two of them just nod halfheartedly and I let them walk ahead to enter first, and they announce themselves. “Hey everypony!” His exclamation is met with a few short friendly callbacks and then the other one follows up again. These two are quite a pair. “Look who we found getting himself out of a scrape!”

I raise a hand to draw attention. “Not a scrape, it never escalated past verbal; and I didn’t have my own immediate solution to the knife involved so saying I got myself out of it is just barely a half-truth.”

One unicorn standing by a table near the entrance laughs and magicks her helmet off her head. “Wow, first time a rescuee called you two out on your theatrics.” The two brothers kick their feet sheepishly, but walk further inside. The mare continues, looking directly at me. “I’ll be honest, didn’t think I’d ever see you wrapped up in anything that falls under our jurisdiction.”

I shrug. “Mishap-of-the-week scenarios out in the country doesn’t sound like your jurisdiction to me, either. I mean, it could if the crowns thought to expand your utility...”

The unicorn mare goes quiet and her eyes shift a bit. I hear a cough from elsewhere, and from another direction entirely a sharp exhale, like a snort. The pony who made the snort noise walks up, and it’s one of the thestrals looking unenthused. “We are the Night Guard; Princess Luna has always made great use of us wherever she’s chosen to place us. If it wasn’t a waste of time and resources and was even the slightest bit important to do so, Princess Luna would have already had an extension placed out there.”

I back up a bit so he doesn’t think I’m trying to push anything. “Hey, woah, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just... let me start over. I’m Anthony.”

“We know.” comes the reply from just about every pony in the one-floor building.

I sigh, and fight the urge to cup my forehead. “Right. Well I guess my point is, I’ve never really gotten a chance to sit down and talk with any of you guys. I haven’t really seen anyone from the Guard do anything but stand at attention like the wall across the way is the most important thing in the world.”

The unicorn mare from earlier yawns heavily, an act that seems a bit forced. “Well, gee. It’s so late now, I’m a bit tired.” She passes one of the thestrals as she heads for a bunk. “You nocturnal folks should probably handle this while I get a nap.” The pegasi that I walked up with also move for the available simplistic sleeping arrangements.

So it’s just me and the thestrals now. Hmm, that’s some fairly palpable awkwardness. How can I spin this... “I just figure it’s a bit of a shame we don’t really know much about each other, names aside.”

“I know enough about you.” A still fully-armored thestral mare huffs.

Now I’m getting mad. “Love of Pete, whose cat did I strangle without noticing? Why am I such a problem, huh?”

“You attacked Princess Luna.” comes the mare’s response, absolute deadpan, slight hint of a snarl. I can see her fangs.

Another cough comes from an unidentified pony and a second thestral mare walks up and lightly bumps the first in the side in passing. “Not that it’s a problem now, since it seems Princess Luna has forgiven you. Right?” The question for me is clearly directed at the other attending thestrals.

“Oh yeah!” Comes the sarcastic reply of the first mare. “He attacks Princess Luna and assaults a member of our force, nothing comes of it at all, and then Princess Luna calls him over. Princess Luna spent an entire day with him and everypony else was forbidden from her chambers. After that, he's offered complete amnesty for all of that crap. The Princess’s word is law of course, but this just reeks of favoritism!”

That’s an interesting spin on events, and not at all untrue, I’ll give her that. Hold up. “Did you just call Luna ‘the Princess’?” I ask for confirmation.

“Well, she is.”

I nod. “Obviously. I just mean... any time I hear a pony say ‘the princess’ they always meant Celestia. Honestly, that kinda bugged me.”

The non-aggressive mare steps up again. “Yeah, that’s the norm. I guess some of us have started doing it for Princess Luna as a response, not that anypony really notices much since we aren’t the most public.”

“Oh yeah, I know what you mean, equal and opposite reaction.” I agree. Looks like I found my angle. “I don’t really get this part though... clearly Princess Luna is important to them, but sometimes they say stuff that feels like they aren’t counting her. Then of course we have that ‘Princess Celestia, and her sister’ bullshit.” A wave of quiet chuckling ripples around the barracks; I guess they responded well to that.

“See? He gets it.” the nicer mare announces. “He’s had a bit of a slip-up but... come on, if Princess Luna gave us a second chance, she’s perfectly within her right to grant him one as well.” A unanimous ‘Right!’ is declared by all the present thestrals.

I cut in again. “If you don’t mind, I’m a bit curious. What is the whole deal with you and Luna? The Day Gaurd seem pretty loyal but not like devotees, at least not in the same way. You seem a bit more enthusiastic.” and religious, going by the literal idolatry going on outside. Probably should wait to talk about that in case it’s a sensitive subject.

“It’s because of the disparity of our separate Oaths.” One of the stallion thestrals vaguely answers.

“Oh, hey, let’s give him the thing!” A more chipper-sounding masculine voice offers, and a bit of motion from the crowd results in the mare in front of me being passed a rolled length of parchment, which she then hands up.

“Give this a read.” She prompts. “It’s a... it’s like a rundown of our culture, the Nocturn. The details are a bit of a messy thing to explain and it can make proper introductions difficult. So some of our lorekeepers got together and made a briefing document of sorts, something we could replicate fairly easily and pass out to other ponies for them to read about us. It’s mostly about the Nocturn’s history, a bit of biology, some stuff about the Night Guard specifically, and they even explain the whole blood drinking thing pretty well. Basically everything that isn’t actually a secret and isn’t too complicated for your average pony to ‘get’. Normally the lorekeepers are really stiff and stern from the blood drinking, but they tried to make it ‘amusing’ and ‘pedestrian’ although part of that could also have been the scribes they had write these out. Maybe you could tell us if it actually helps answer your questions, though there is some stuff in there that I personally don’t think is that important to tell.”

Blood drinking? Maybe I should read this... I take the parchment and kneel down by one of the present tables and unroll it ... huh, longer than I expected and it even looks like it has decent formatting. Alright, study mode.



Nocturn Society
Nocturn naming conventions: Most of the race use names pertaining to darkness, nighttime, species of bats, deception, and common food types (the last one a result of a lot of historical intermarrying between the Earth Ponies and Nocturn). Examples include Star Runner, Sleight Mistake, or Cherry Crumble, with little distinction between masculine and feminine naming conventions.

The pony race known colloquially as “Batponies”, “Thestrals”, or “Night Guards” are generally thought of as a ‘creepier’ or ‘night-influenced’ form of Pegasus, but they are no more related to pegasi than any other race of pony. They themselves have very little in the way of uniform terms for their own species, so exact details on what they may be called is almost always a local turn of phrase. The most common name used for them is ‘Batponies’, and only a limited few get upset over it. Their official name according to available scientific documentation lists them as Nocturnus. The pedestrian term associated with that (which will be used here for simplicity’s sake) is Nocturn or Nocturnal. ‘Nocturn’ is both the singular and plural form of the term.

Cultural History
The Nocturn were initially outcasts from pony society after being discovered by the other tribes roughly six-hundred years prior to the Fall of Nightmare Moon, in spite of the Nocturn being the only recorded race of pony native to the land prior to the events that led to the Three Tribes of Unicorns, Earth Ponies and Pegasi first venturing away from Dream Valley, now mapped and labelled as The Frozen North. Princess Luna adopted the Nocturn as her own, and thus Princess Luna is regularly idolized by them.

Physical Attributes
The average Nocturn is of similar stature to an Earth Pony; stocky, shorter than a Unicorn, and taller than a Pegasus. They tend to have a more robust build than that of a Pegasus as well, though not as muscular as Earth Ponies can get. They have slitted eyes adapted for nighttime not dissimilar to a feline, and have softly tufted ears; their fur is also much softer than most other ponies' tends to be, as it creates a necessary insulative layer due to the Nocturn’s naturally low body temperature.

They have a natural ability to see in low light through nonmagical means, as well as seeing in near darkness through a magical form of echolocation native to their species; they radiate waves of their internal magic supply to bounce off of nearby objects and materials, returning to them full mental images - this effect is not as limited as ocular sight, meaning they can see anything not shrouded by magical obscuring effects, and can see through thin materials. The exact thickness of material that will impede this echolocation depends on the individual - some are capable of better penetration depth, others can project their magic supply further without loss, resulting in longer range senses.

Nocturn are able to deal with very warm temperatures provided there’s still ample moisture in the environment; dry atmospheres cause their wings to get chapped, withered, and possibly become damaged; that said, their preference of nesting in small, confined areas means that when they sleep, their bodies and their breaths maintain a comfortably warm and humid environment.

Nocturn prefer to sleep communally among family units or groups of close friends. This often results in community piles of sleeping Nocturn, all snuggled in together; this is formally described as ‘exceptionally adorable’.

The visible fangs and sharp teeth natural to a Nocturn’s mouth are actually designed to perform scissor-like motions for cutting through vegetation, especially fruits, with the ‘fangs’ visible at the fronts of their mouths actually having a serrated inner edge for cutting open thick rinds. While Nocturn can eat meat, they have a distaste for it, and much prefer fruits and vegetables instead. As well, they are known for having a strong taste for honey and citrus fruits.

Blood Drinking
Nocturn have an unusual relation with blood; if they drink blood taken from another sapient species, they can extend their own lives and reduce the victim’s lifespan equally. However, this is forbidden amongst the Nocturn with very specific exceptions, as the process is extremely addictive, and can twist even the most mild-mannered of the Nocturn towards becoming literal bloodthirsty maniacs. As such, only specially allowed members of their clans, specifically their memory-keepers and storytellers, are allowed to carefully practice this behavior to extend their lives, thus giving them time to pass on their knowledge in full to their protégés. Paired with Nocturn ponies’ excellent memories, these ‘Lorekeepers’ have almost perfect records of events from tens of thousands or even hundreds of thousands of years ago.


Night Guards
The Night Guard of Equestria is almost entirely composed of Nocturn, as they are simply better suited to nighttime operations compared to the day-acclimated tribes of ponies that frequent the Day Guard; this does not mean there are no ponies of other tribes in the Night Guard, just that the majority of ponies in the Night Guard are Nocturn, hence why the standard armor they wear is colored with simple shades of purple, to compliment the dark gray and faded brown coats that are most common among Nocturn

The duties of the Night Guard are broadly the same as the Day Guard; investigate incidents, enforce the peace, provide aid to citizens when possible, and generally appear presentable to the public. However, unlike the Day Guard, the Night Guard have long had a rougher reputation, but also a rather positive one overall - they’re the guards that even hardened criminals back down at the sight of, because it’s become fairly common knowledge to everypony that the Night Guard are allowed to ‘do more’ than the Day Guard is. The long-held phrase is “At night, Celestia’s eyes are closed”, uttered both by criminals in nervous murmurs and by the Guards themselves, with gleaming fang-filled grins. Even before Princess Luna’s return, Princess Celestia trusted the Night Guard to largely keep track of themselves, and they have done so very well. Bolstering this is the fact that the oath of office for the Night guard is, was, and always will be an oath to Luna first, and to the country second. This is a direct contrast to the ‘Country first, Princess Celestia second’ that Princess Celestia herself insists the Day Guard swear.

Night Guard Public Relations
Despite the fact that both the Day and Night Guard forces take direct orders from and swear fealty to either of Equestria’s diarchs, ponies that are in the Day Guard are occasionally publicly referred to as “Royal” Guards where the Night Guard are not. This comes as a result of Princess Luna’s absence and the Day Guard's alignment to the then-sole ruler Princess Celestia. The moniker of Royal Guard is one purely constructed by the civilian public, and while the Day Guard will respond when referred to as such, the Night Guard do not acknowledge it as a proper title for themselves, though they will respond to it in times of emergency.

Something worth noting from a cultural standpoint is that between the specific oaths that either guard force takes, the priorities of the Night Guard are much more suited to earning the nickname of “Royal Guard”. This is not the case, and is the result of a rather unfortunate historic development. The time in which the moniker of Royal Guard began use in a widely public manner by the majority populace of Equestria’s three primary tribes was during Princess Luna’s period of banishment. To many Equestrians, Princess Celestia was the sole royal figure and as such the guard force that represented Princess Celestia were regarded similarly, despite the fact that the Night Guard were still very much active all through the thousand years of Princess Luna’s exile.

In addition, technically speaking, the term ‘Royal Guard’ more accurately affixes to the entirety of Equestria’s military forces, not a single branch of it, which only muddles the issue further. Other countries refer to the entire military as the Royal Guard of Equestria, or by various derogatory or inflammatory names if relations are poor, and only refer to its branches tangentially. The Night Guard is almost wholly unknown to other nations, as almost all Night Guard operations are internal.




Well... they sure like to cover their bases. It’s a little... jumpy here and there but I think I got it. I look up at the mare who’d taken a seat at the other side of the table. Was she waiting this whole time for me to finish reading? “So... I should call you guys nocturn, then?”

She chuckles. “Read that whole thing and that’s your first takeaway, huh?”

I roll up the parchment and pass it over the tabletop. “Well, it uses that name twenty-four times, I figure it’s important enough to warrant primary use. Certainly more than ‘Thestrals’ or ‘Batponies’.”

“Yeah, it is what we’re called scientifically.” She admits. “So you paid close attention to it, good. Especially the part about the blood?” I nod. “Good. Having regular ponies think we all sit down and drink blood smoothies or whatever can help scare ‘em straight when you’re working in the Night Guard, but for the nocturn that are just civvies... well, that’s a different story.”

“They got kicked out of Equestria, even though they were there first.” I say, recalling the passage from the document.

The mare shifts a bit and her armor clinks ever so slightly, it’s not nearly as noisy as what I’ve heard from other ponies in armor. “Well... technically they didn’t drive us out of Equestria. It wasn’t Equestria until they showed up and started claiming land. They had no idea we were even here at the time and by the time we first met, they’d gotten their claiming-flags everywhere and started setting up fields for crops.”

“So they thought you were new to the land as well?” I ask, trying to sort out my confusion. She nods and I follow-up. “So if human history is anything, it’s something that likes to repeat itself. I assume they figured ‘We claimed this land already which means it’s ours, and now these bat-ponies are here and on our land. Therefore, we’re in charge.’ or something?”

“Eh, a bit more complicated than that but that’s the gist. You want full details, find one of our lorekeepers and they’ll gladly talk your ears off. There are three in Canterlot right now, actually. Not entirely sure where they are though. Princess Luna would know, even those of us not in the Night Guard tend to alert her if somepony important is gonna be somewhere.”

I readjust my kneeling position and brace my arms on the table to keep my back straighter. “So you nocturn have a direct line to Luna? Even the pedestrians?”

“Not like that. If somepony is important, Luna will be informed of them as soon as possible but the regulars just find their own place. It’s still a bit rocky even a dozen or so thousand years later, so there’s still some tension between the nocturn and the other tribes. It’s kinda why we refer to them as ‘the three tribes’ but don’t count ourselves. It’s a holdover from when the first Equestrians segregated us in the same manner.”

“I’ve never seen a nocturn that wasn’t in the Night Guard.” I note.

“That’s pretty normal. As I said, we’ve integrated with the rest of Equestria, ever since all that got resolved a long while back, we’re considered ‘Native Equestrians’ now and while there aren’t a lot of us that aren’t involved with the Night Guard in some way, we’re around. We just don’t tend to stick our necks up very often, keeping to ourselves. Ponies of the other tribes think it’s kinda creepy how good we are at it, is all. Unless you’re looking for one of us you likely won’t see a single one. Sometimes even if you’re trying really hard to find one. The Night Guard serves a purpose of putting nocturn in a civil-servant sort of position, so that the other ponies know that we’re here and we’re not actively hiding from anypony. Heck, plenty of nocturn have set up families with ponies of different tribes... I think that scroll had something to say about that...”

I nod. “Frequent intermarrying with Earth Ponies, it said.”

“Yep! You got it. So yeah, we have families and kids and lives and we even live with ‘regular’ ponies... we just aren’t exactly the visible majority is all, and there really aren’t that many of us in comparison anyways. It’s a touchy subject for some thestrals that we aren’t as recognized, but ever since Princesses Luna and Celestia made a royal decree that we’re Equestrian citizens just like everypony else, most of the shade we get from the tribes is because of rumors... like the blood milkshake thing.”

I chuckle. “You’re the first pony I’ve talked to that mentioned both princesses at the same time and gave Luna top billing, so you’re already on the right track if you ask me.”

She takes off her helmet, a sign to me that she’s decided to get comfortable and keep talking for a while. “Yeah... I mean, it only makes sense, you know? We’re nocturnal -heck it’s our name- and the three tribes aren’t. It’s a point of contention on occasion that can ruffle some tails here and there but it makes sense. The ponies that are awake during the day worship the Day Princess, and the ones awake at night worship the Night Princess. That alone is a strong enough argument for our devotion; our loyalty to Princess Luna is just an extension of that as a result of what she’s personally done to help our race.”

“So Celly gets three tribes, and Luna gets one race.” I say, testing the waters of a comment like that.

The next piece of her armor comes off as she works with some straps. “Kinda, yeah... but Celestia doesn’t like that kind of attention. Princess Luna is more receptive to it. If a pony from one of the tribes starts sculpting an idol to Celestia and she gets wind of it? That’s gonna be one upset alicorn. But us batponies? We make a point to have a little statue or something of Princess Luna in places that are important to our people, putting them outside where the public can see doesn’t bother Princess Luna one bit.”

“So Celly doesn’t like the recognition of her status to the same extent that Luna does.” That sort of disparity between them... actually clears up a few oddities I’d noticed in their interactions. Celestia doesn’t want to be revered, and Luna likes folks knowing she has influence... Noted. May use that later. “Then that’s what the stonework in front of the barracks is for?”

“That’s it!” She says happily with a grin. I can see a bit of fang in it, but it may not be intentional. “Usually they’re smaller, on rare occasions in very important places you’ll see bigger ones, but we all show our appreciation. It’s a buffer, you know? As long as we make sure Princess Luna knows we appreciate her, there won’t be another incident, right?”

I pause, and interlock my fingers, give them something to do while I’m mostly motionless. “By incident, you mean Nightmare Moon.” There’s a bit of audibly-nervous rustling from some other nocturn here, reminding me that I’m technically in a public place and Nightmare Moon is a touchy subject, likely moreso to them in particular.

The mare in front of me bites her lip slightly, and her fangs are now very visible, but her eyes show disconcert. “Look, uh... I’m fine with telling you what I know and chatting about Princess Luna, not many ponies of the tribes can sit and listen to a nocturn gab the night away... but I think if you wanna know about the Nightmare, you’ll wanna be asking about it... anywhere else.”

I nod in acceptance. “Okay, fair enough. I know it’s a touchy subject, just... don’t know who’s gonna react in what way. Voldemort rule, got it.”

“Voldemort rule... Huh?”

“Nothing, don’t mind it. Moving away from that topic. You said Princess Luna did some stuff to directly help you out... like what, exactly?” The more I can learn about these two alicorns, the more pieces I can fit into place and figure out for myself just what exactly the fuck is up with them. Normally it’s little nuggets of information here and there, but this motormouth is a motherlode.

“Eh, the simplest way to cover that is to say that she... made use of us. Princess Celestia found a use for everypony else, so Luna gave us our own ‘place’. Not land, mind you, we all share the same space everypony does. Don’t want another civil war, after all.”

Hold the phone. “Wait, you’re saying there was a civil war in Equestria?”

“A long while back, the three tribes just kinda went insane and... well, there were a lot of folks falling down and not getting back up, if you know what I mean.” As she continues, her eyes glass over a bit and she taps a hoof on the table. “Yeah, it was like... uh... darn it, when was that?”

The gruff mare from earlier walks up and straightens out to stand at attention. “Shortly following the tragedy that befell Princess Luna, Princess Celestia took leave, spending the following century attempting to locate methods that could restore Princess Luna from her necessary banishment to the moon. However, Celestia made a major mistake in leaving the tribes to govern themselves for a hundred years.”

I frown. “They started killing the shit out of each other, you mean.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” The mare says, staying completely stonefaced. “Naturally, without Princess Luna or Celestia around, ponies started panicking from suddenly having nothing but regular mortals in noble positions to govern them, and the massive power vacuum sucked everypony into panic and madness. Even worse, us thestrals were dependant on Princess Luna, and her exile put that much more strain on us, as Princess Celestia took to governing us directly. Records show that her efforts were... passable. Once Celestia abandoned- left Equestria, we were even more lost than the three tribes, and we got caught in the middle of their ‘disagreements’. Us thestrals still exist as you can see and we are just as devoted as we’ve always been, but our numbers haven’t recovered since.”

“So the Nocturn are a literal mathematical minority, in a country that doesn’t understand you that well to the point where you need pamphlets for the guards to hand out, and you practice what could be considered an alternative belief system.” I summarize, and get a grim nod from both mares. “Well, you sure got shat on, huh?”

There’s a long silence before the grumpy one decides to end her part of the conversation. “That’s roughly what that hundred-year span is recited as in regards to us, yes. If you want anything more detailed... find a lorekeeper.” and she walks off out the door of the barracks into the night.

The nicer one gets my attention from across the table. “Sorry, it’s just... history isn’t kind to anypony, you know? A lot of us like to think of the past being in the past but I suppose it’s hard for us in particular because... well most nocturn traditions involve storytelling and we don’t sugarcoat things. Couple that with our long memories, artificially long in some cases, and there usually isn’t a thestral older than sixteen who doesn’t know very well why there aren’t that many of us. Rather than getting all angry about it though, we focus on the fact that Princess Luna is back and we know she won’t let anything like that ever happen again.”

There’s a twinge of a look on her face that betrays her, she doesn’t seem like she fully believes that. Not gonna pry, this is a dour enough situation already. Gotta switch tracks here. “So... some of you don’t like me much. Is it all because of the whole... uh... attacking Luna thing?”

“Heh, not all of us anymore, plenty got distracted away from it when Princess Luna started wearing that jewelry. When Princess Luna began wearing that necklace of hers, we had no idea where it came from and it was a pretty hot topic around here and in the castle itself. Even the Night Guards who weren’t nocturn couldn’t stop whispering about it. Considering that she never goes anywhere without it, it seems like some sort of engagement gift but... that was absolutely ridiculous. Nopony wanted to just ask though because, well if it was what we thought then... I mean, who could possibly match up to Princess Luna? Perhaps some foreign dignitary, but we never had any reports of somepony like that being around...” She takes a quiet breath before continuing. “Then... then she gives you a royal summons, but she could always just have you come by. Plenty of the Night Guard suspected it might be you who gave it to her, but that night... she calls you to her bedroom and then has everypony stay out until the next sunset... That was some pretty damning evidence. You’re basically all we talk about around here because I mean if Princess Luna did take you on as her royal consort-”

I hold up my hands and urge her to stop right there. “Woah-woah-woah-woah-no. Royal consort? Absolutely not. I mean, okay yeah we spent the day together but I will guarantee you right now that if I was gonna lose my V-card, Luna is not my first choice. No offense. I gave her that pendant as an apology for attacking her. She just... appreciated it a bit more than I anticipated. I get the feeling she likes me, but in a purely platonic way. If Luna was looking for a boyfriend or consort or whatever, I am not it.”

There’s a thin sliver of silence before one of the thestral stallions raises a hoof, his armor clinking in a very quiet, tinny way. “So Princess Luna did get that pendant from you.”

The mare across from me shakes her head. “Don’t listen, they’re just jealous. Plenty of stallions would eat their hind legs to get an engagement gift like that, is all. I guess the more shocking part is that you gave something like that to Princess Luna and that wasn’t your intent. It’s like a perfect crystal, even a tiny amount of light makes it sparkle.”

I feel my face get kinda hot. “Well, I mean that makes sense. It’s pure diamond, after all. I just... made it, you know? It was supposed to be important but I figured since diamonds weren’t good for storing magic that well it wouldn’t be worth that much, just a token of apology.”

Another stallion pipes up “Hold on, you said you made it? As in, you cut it yourself, that perfectly?”

I shake my head. “No, I didn’t cut it, I shaped some coal and then, uh... I just made a little crescent moon out of coal and converted it into diamond. It takes a lot out of me though, which makes sense given the energy expenditure required for reorientation of a molecular structure... sorry, I uh, I guess I could explain some of the science later if you’re interested.”

I just hear a chuckle from the mare across the table. “Aw, you’re so sweet... I can see why Princess Luna likes you. Well, if the princess ever wants you to spend another ‘completely platonic’ day in her bedroom, I don’t have much place to argue.” She gives a smirking glance around the room at the other gathered ponies. “Which I’d say goes double for everypony else here as well, hmm?”

As mutterings of acquiescence and concurrences flutter about the room, I bury my face in my open palms. “I’m serious... I’m not doing anything with Luna, it was just... she wanted a private place to talk with me... and then it got early and we’d been up all night so I stayed the day.”

The mare rocks her head a bit and readjusts her mane in doing so, and gives me a very big grin with plenty of sharp teeth visible aside her prominent fangs, nowhere was there a better time to describe something as a toothy grin. “Oh trust me, I believe you completely. I mean, if I didn’t... if you’d actually laid the princess, I’m sure nopony in here would hold me back from chopping off one of your legs!” Her grin widens and I swear she grew more teeth just now solely to fill it. “You’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about! I think it’s nice that you’re giving the princess some company to keep.”

And for once, a silence where nobody coughs. Just makes it feel that much more dreadful. “Yeah... uh... sure. Anyways, it was nice meeting you. This has been... enlightening, I’ve learned a lot tonight. Now, I’ve got to get back to my guest room at the castle. It’s pretty late and I have somewhere to be in a few days.”

“Yeah, we don’t need you here, just procedure. You could have left earlier, but it was so fun having you!” Her grin shrinks until its just a small, closed-mouth smile but I swear I see just the barest hint of one of her fangs sticking out from her lip. “Come by anytime you want to, you’re all clear in my book, and I’d say the same goes for all of the Canterlot Night Guard.”

I nod quickly and stand up, though my legs hurt a bit from the kneeling so I’m a bit stiff. I’m just making for the door when I hear one of the mares pop in with one last question. “So just so I’m getting this right: You said you were single, yes?” I don’t think I could have possibly hoped for a better cue to say absolutely nothing and book it out the door at top speed.

Next thing I know, I’m back at the castle. Did I seriously run the entire way here? Yikes... why can’t I be this athletic... on... purpose. Fuck, I’m exhausted...

I’m turning onto the hallway that connects to the staircase for my room and I run into Luna. Because why wouldn’t I, right? Not like there are a dozen other hallways in this castle. “Hey, Luna... I’m really worn out, okay? I’m fine but... I just wanna rest right now.”

Luna looks like she has something to say and nods. “You do appear in need of unwinding. Is there anything I can do to help relieve your stress?”

“Nope! Not a single thing at all!” It’s like the whole universe is trying to make this ship sail, for fuck’s sake... “Just... no. I just need to be in a bed for a little while.” Luna seems a bit struck by my outburst, but she doesn’t press, just nods and lets me pass.

I can feel the sensation of hours passing with each step up the stairs, but I’m finally presented with the doors to my overly-sized room. Finally, a bed. I just need to... sleep all this crap away, put it out of my mind. I cross the room over the course of another week and start taking off my shirt.

*Knock-knock-knock*

Of fucking course, because why not?! If I don’t respond they’ll just knock again to be sure, I can tell. Just let them do whatever the heck they’re supposed to be here for so they’ll leave. “Come in.”

The door opens and a trio of mares walk in, side-by-side-by-side. An earth pony flanked by a unicorn and pegasus. I toss my removed shirt on the floor, too tired to care. They don’t say anything yet so I prompt them. “State your business.”

The unicorn snaps-to. “Oh, right. Uh, well princess Luna said you seemed a bit uh, overburdened. She asked us if we’d be willing to help you destress.”

I sigh. “Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I’m really not up for a massage or room service or-”

“That’s... not what we generally help out with.” the pegasus says, and the earth pony blushes a bit. “We’re generally issued to special guests that... okay, I suck at euphemisms or whatever. We’re concubines, for sex, you got your pick of us for the rest of the night.”

...I’m honestly getting pretty sick of this ‘sex is totally normal for everyone’ trend among ponies. I mean... the castle staff includes on-call, in-house sex workers for guests to... gah. “Sorry ladies, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I appreciate th-”

The unicorn cuts me off. “Darnit, I thought he was too good to be straight...” What? “Sorry about that, we can send in some stallions ins-”

“That’s not what I meant!” I sigh loudly and cup my forehead. “Look, I’m a bit tired. I’m not interested in anything tonight, even if I was attracted to whoever you might send my way. I appreciate your intent but I don’t need that kind of ‘assistance’.”

The unicorn lifts a front hoof, eyebrow raised in uncertainty. “You sure? You look like you’re ready to go screaming down the hallways. ‘Having’ a mare -or three- works wonders for stress. Trust me, we’d know.”

I sigh and make one final plea. “Just take a ‘no’ as a ‘no’. I understand you’re just trying to help me out and the thought is appreciated as I said before, I just... No. No matter who you send in. Besides...” Maybe if I come up with another reason why not, they’ll leave me alone. “Besides, I’m pretty tall. I don’t wanna roll over and squish someone by accident or anything.”

None of them have an expression that says they bought that, not even a hint, but they relent. “Alright. Well, if you ever change your mind, just ask for-”

“No names.” I insist. “I don’t need to know who you are.” I sit down on the edge of the bed and let my shoulders drop. They nod silently and collectively turn around. They’ve just gotten to the door when a thought heel-kicks its way into my head. Okay... fine. “Hold on.” I call back, and they stop. I sigh. It’d just be awkward if I didn’t compromise at this point. “The earth pony. Just her.”

The three of them look amongst each other, as if a bit confused but the pegasus and unicorn quickly turn to grins and they give gentle nudges for their friend to head back into the room. She looks nervous. Not hesitant, but like something’s putting her out of her element.

She gets to the bed, and her friends close the door behind them. “I’m Poppy Bud.” She introduces herself and then she winces. “Oops, you said no names... sorry. I... Nopony ever picks me. I mean, I’ve done this before just, never on my own. Most folks-”

I cut her off with a shake of my head. “Don’t worry about it...” I get onto the bed and she follows suit.

“I don’t know what it’s like with a human. I guess after tonight...” She says as she starts positioning herself. I take the blankets and flip them up to cover her.

“Actually” I correct. “You still won’t.”

I hear her speak through the mild muffling of the blankets over her. “Okay, I’m really confused now. What are we doing on the bed?” I finish taking off my clothes and get into bed, sliding the covers over myself. I slide an arm around her and pull her in, back against my chest. Yeah... I suppose this’ll do. “Okay, I really don’t know how we’re supposed to... like this...”

“Easy. We aren’t.” I explain as I get comfortable, snuggling up with her. We’d be spooning if she wasn’t covering only my upper half with her whole body, legs aside. She’s silent for a while, and neither of us move, all I feel is her breathing and her fur on me. Like a giant stuffed animal but endothermic. It’s pretty comfy.

“So we’re just... snuggling?” Poppy asks, sounding unsure of herself.

I nod, brushing my chin against her mane. “Just because I have no interest in putting my dick anywhere, a warm fuzzy thing is a warm fuzzy thing.”

Another brief silence. “Okay.” and she snuggles backwards into me. “Sorry, I know you wanna sleep but I need to know. Why me, specially?”

“Because earth ponies are usually durable, and I’m pretty big. I don’t wanna roll over and squish someone by accident.” I repeat, and adjust my hold on her.

“This wasn’t exactly what I thought was gonna happen, tonight.” Poppy whispers. “But... it’s nice. Thank you.”

“Eh, this was more for me.” I admit, and I yawn heavily as the last of my will to stay awake vanishes. “You’re likely not the only one who thought this would go differently.”

All I feel is warm and fuzzy... yeah... I can sleep like this... mmm