“Oh, that’s why.”
The apothecary smirked. On the table sat a vial of a blueish-green substance. It was a liquid when it had been put in it, however, once he casted a spell that heated the vial, the substance had changed to the consistency of gelatinous dessert.
“Now if only we can recreate this to assist with digestion…”
The stallion hummed to himself, rubbing at his gray beard with his brown hoof. He sighed and slicked back his light brown mane. It was a job well done. He had discovered a possible way to combine two ingredients that may or may not be associated with creating bombs and somehow transformed it into a creative solution to resolving stomach aches. He had, in fact, ran out of the right ingredients to fix a stomach ache, so he had to improvise. Guess improvisation led to another invention. It’s the Equestrian way.
With a smile on his face, he shoved the vial into a corner of the table, the glass clinking against the wall. He’ll leave it there for now. Unopened. He’d let it ferment in its own goodness while he turned to clean up the mess on the counter—
“Shiny! Hold the door open while I throw her in there!”
“Throw?”
Suddenly, the front door of the stallion’s apothecary flew open, and a mare with an agenda walked in, her foal floating in a protective bubble.
“Uhh…”
“Hello, are you… Magic Mushrooms?” Princess Cadance asked, her burning desire for situational rectification growing by the millisecond.
The apothecary gulped at the fierce determination in his latest patron’s eyes. It was going to be a day.
Why did I open this store again?
Princess Cadance stared at the apothecary with tenacity. She had just catapulted her daughter, Flurry Heart, into the store. Now with her dear offspring floating above her in her protective spell nullifier, she was able to get her out of the castle and into this establishment without having anypony stopping to bow at them.
Shining Armor had also stumbled into the store, his head apparently on a swivel. Cadance was thankful she had him in her life. Without him, this foal would’ve not only not existed, but even if her lovable nightmare did exist, she’d be raising it on her own. And honestly, she would’ve actually—
“Yes, I am, your… Highness?” The stallion at the counter tilted his head. “Am I seeing a mirage or are you actually the leader of this somewhat free land?”
Shining Armor, thankfully, piped up before she gave the apothecary the riot act. “We’re real. Don’t worry, I checked.”
“You checked?”
“Let me handle this, Cadance. Mr. Shrooms here believes we’re not real, and if I convince him—”
SNIFFFFFF.
The two royals were left with their jaws on the floor as the apothecary suddenly took a whiff of the mysterious substance on the table behind him. They heard the stallion cough a bit, sputtering out whatever the heck he just took a hit off of, before he turned back around and blinked rapidly.
“So I wasn’t imagining you two. Great, and you brought your foal, Princess Flurry Heart. Glad she’s… s-she’s doing w-well.” He once again eyed the fact that she was locked inside a bubble. “I hope?”
Shining Armor took a deep breath and approached the counter. “Yeah, well, she’s not actually doing that well.”
“O-Oh? Well I-I hope I can help, because I am d-doing great! I’m pretty s-sure I’ve got some p-positive vibes I can share.”
Princess Cadance tried to keep herself together, holding a hoof to block her giggles from view. She watched as her husband was reasoning with the stallion. “Well that’s good. Hopefully you can help us make sure our daughter doesn’t spout off random horrific things while she—”
“Urinary Tract Infection!”
“—tries to go to school. Sorry, she’s not saying you have a UTI.”
“I… gathered,” the apothecary replied, rubbing his chin. He looked at the foal and then back at Shining Armor. “Y-You ever considered… going to a doctor?”
Princess Cadance sighed and stepped forward. “We did, but we realized that there was no way we could schedule an appointment without inconveniencing other ponies, or threatening the doctors with their lives and what have you.”
The apothecary’s eyes widened. “I see…” He cleared his throat and shifted his imaginary tie. “Well, what do you think caused... h-her words to come out in t-this… manner?”
“Well,” Shining Armor began as he planted his forehooves on the counter. “Cadance did it!”
“Hey!” Cadance interrupted. “Just because I didn’t want to stunt our foal’s growth doesn’t mean I’m the direct cause of it all! And to be fair, we did have Twilight babysit her a few times. Maybe she could’ve learned all these words from her? I don’t know, we just have—”
“Anorexia!”
Cadance glared at her foal before she continued, “We just have a baby that’s way too happy to say, well, unpleasantly titled medical conditions.”
“Didn’t know neckbeard was a medical condition,” Shining Armor said with a raised brow.
Cadance smiled. “Actually, it’s a debilitating condition listed in thirty-five different territories of Equestria! And all of them agree it’s a crime against ponykind.”
The apothecary, once again, cleared his throat. “So what was causing this sudden… expulsion of verbiage?”
Princess Cadance smiled. “Leftover poison joke!”
“What.”
“I wish Cady was joking, but she’s not.”
The stallion blinked. “How large was the dosage?”
That froze both the royals in their places, while Flurry Heart floated rather happily in her bubble.
“Uh… we’re not sure,” Shining Armor said, breaking the silence. He flipped his hoof rather flippantly. “Knowing Cady, though, she’s pretty thorough when it comes to cleaning baby bottles. I once saw her run the dishwasher twice in a row with the same dishes!”
“Glad you have that much faith in me, Shiny. Yet again, love comes in all forms. Like loving my husband and cleaning my daughter’s baby bottles!”
“Well,” Magic Mushrooms began as he turned around. He rummaged through his cabinets, searching for the proper antidote to recommend. “I think if we give her a joke cocktail, then we might be able to lessen her symptoms.”
“Shaken Baby Syndrome!”
“How do you make this… cocktail?” Shining Armor said, watching the stallion running through his inventory.
At first, Magic Mushrooms had opened his mouth, but then, for some reason, he stopped, his mouth left slightly agape for the two to see. It made Princess Cadance wonder what was going to happen next, like if this apothecary was contemplating his life choices before the two royals. Instead, however, he decided to do something different, something that made everyone, including Flurry Heart, watch in awe from afar.
Magic Mushrooms was running around the room once again. He flung open many of his cabinets, drawers, and even tampered with his chemistry set he got from what Cadance assumed was his mother. Yet she didn’t judge. She just judged his skills, and Magic Mushrooms was definitely showing his talents. He had so far accrued quite a large collection of ingredients in his magic, which floated delicately above his head. It made Flurry Heart giggle happily as she clapped her forehooves, before yelling, “Penile Cancer!” Cadance instantly blushed an even stronger variation of pink, but yet again, she was more concerned about her daughter’s wellbeing, even if she should have been contemplating it earlier than this.
Sighing, Cadence looked at what the stallion placed on the table behind the counter. There was a red bag full of powder, a black keg labeled ‘oil that’s generally not for consumption’, a green container with a radioactive symbol on it, and a bunch of jars containing chocolate pudding were plopped onto the table. Honestly, it really made Princess Cadance think back to Twilight, who, at one point, mirrored this behavior. Although, there were two stark differences here. One, she was not a drug addict, and two, she was not a drug addict.
Wait, that was the same difference.
Suddenly, Magic Mushrooms threw a vial from the corner into the mix. Then, he turned and presented his findings. “Well, here we are. All these things w-will help us with c-curing your daughter.”
“Is that… chocolate pudding?” Shining Armor pointed out with his hoof.
Magic Mushrooms nodded. “Chocolate pudding will help her digest the cocktail.” He lifted one of the jars and smiled. “I will use this as a base for the remaining ingredients to reside in.”
“Reside in?”
“Yes,” Magic Mushrooms replied with a smirk. He set the jar back on the table and placed his hoof on the table. “Each ingredient here will help assist your daughter’s poison joke problem. The problem is that… well, I need to make sure you both agree to have your daughter ingest this.”
“Are you warning us that these are toxic or something?”
“Yes and no. I’m bound by law to be transparent with what your daughter is taking. If I don’t, then I would be shut down, you two would be in the papers for foal neglect, and Sombra would rise again.”
“Derangement Syndrome!”
Cadance turned to her daughter, who was clapping still in that bubble of hers. She sighed. “We wouldn’t want any of that to happen. Besides, we weren’t neglecting our foal, we just mistreated her. Only one of those is worth actual jail time.”
“Semantics, of course,” the apothecary began, trying not to eyeroll. “Well, don’t worry, that won’t happen at all. I don’t plan on my store being closed up for at least a few more years!” Magic Mushrooms let out a laugh. He smiled and stepped aside. “Anyway, the following ingredients are all going to be shredded in the mixture, except for the liquid in the keg.”
Shining Armor looked past the apothecary to see the keg. “Why is there a highly flammable tag on the keg?”
“It’s… a rare oil we got from the fields in the Dragon Lands. Highly toxic when ingested, but perfect when combined with radioactive waste from the Changeling Hive!”
“Uh, do I dare ask why?” Cadence asked, slowly backing away from the counter.
“Sure!” Magic Mushrooms excitedly replied. “To put it in short, the oil’s toxicity gets counteracted by the radioactive elements of the excrem—I mean, slimy goop from the hive to create a natural compound that will only cause second degree burns and possibly autism, which is arguably worse!”
The tilted head of Shining Armor threatened the apothecary menacingly. “And what about the bag?”
“Oh, that’s full of shredded mint leaves and nicotine. Helps with countering the burning sensation of the compound and provides a nice addictive quality to ensure she takes the entire dose.”
Princess Cadance tried to crack a smile, but her stutter was not reassuring. “S-So what makes this safe for my d-daughter to have?”
“Well, to put it in short, with the added stomach ache remedy I created out of dynamite and shredded tomatoes I found under my table this morning, this joke cocktail will make your daughter return to normal. It’s totally safe, dude, trust me™.”
Shining Armor and Cadance both look at each other before looking back at the apothecary. “Can we… talk about this before we give you an answer?”
“Sure,” Magic Mushrooms replied with a nod and turned to tend to his craft.
Shining Armor and Cadance huddled together away from the counter. The two had their heads hung low, away from their daughter’s peering gaze.
“Look,” Cadance whispered. “We should just go threaten a doctor’s life. This doesn’t seem safe.”
“And getting caught abusing doctors is?” Shining growled quietly, which earned him a glare from his wife. He sighed. “We should just go with his remedy. Seems like he knows what he’s doing.”
“Shiny, I love you, but he said he’s giving our daughter Changeling feces.”
Shining Armor threw his hooves up. “And? The chocolate pudding would mask the taste… I think.”
“You think?” Cadance said with a slight head tilt. She adjusted the crown on her head. “Because I don’t think you do.”
“Well what other options do we have that don't involve us being on the front page of the Daily Crystal Mail?”
Cadance’s wings stood at attention, her urge to slap the side of her husband’s head with one of them nearing potential, only for them to sag to her sides. “Y-You’re right. This is my fault anyway so—”
“Babe, you did use a bottle that was for disposing of poison joke to feed our daughter her formula, but that’s in the past now. It’s good to reflect on what we did wrong and learn from them.”
“Really?” Cadance said, a frown manifesting destiny on her face. “So you’re not disappointed or anything?”
“Not now. I was about ten seconds ago though.”
“You jerk,” Cadance said, playfully swatting her husband’s side with her hoof.
Shining Armor winced with a smile on his face. “Point being, let’s just get this over with. That spell that has Flurry Heart in it will only last for about thirty minutes. If we can get this over with, then she’ll be back to normal. Hopefully.”
Cadance nuzzled her husband. “Okay, I trust you. Love you.”
“Love you too,” he replied, and nuzzled her back.
The two turned around and faced the apothecary. “Magic Mushrooms?”
The pony in question jolted back to life. “Yes?”
“How much does this cost?”
“For the average consumer? Twenty bits. Since I know you have money… fifty.”
“What?!” Shining shrieked. “You can’t do that!”
“Well,” the apothecary responded. “That’s where you and our capitalist society part company. Fifty bits.”
“Fine,” Shining Armor muttered.. He fumbled with his saddlebags and pulled out a bag of bits. He tossed them on the counter and smiled. “This better cover the cost of privacy as well.”
The coins click-clacked on the counter, leading the apothecary to scurry to it. He murmured to himself, counting each bit with care. Then, he gasped and his eyes widened. “That definitely does. Do you need this done in the next thirty minutes or something?!”
“Yes, actually. Our daughter is currently nullified for the next…” Shining trailed off as he squinted at the clock above the exit. “Twenty minutes.”
The apothecary suddenly scrambled to his station. “I’ll have this ready in ten!”
“Perfect!” Cadance chirped, fluttering her wings. She gave the stallion a smile. “Thank you for helping us!”
The apothecary smiled back as he prepped the ingredients. “No, thank you for swinging by. I’m glad to be able to assist in curing a princess!”
The couple smiled. They watched as the stallion diligently worked on their daughter’s potion. It was like watching their problems being handled in real time, hoping that this will save themselves the headache of getting into a clinic.
Unbeknownst to them, the bubble began to waver.
It had been ten minutes exactly since Shining Armor stared at his only hope of sanity. The apothecary had combined, stirred, and concocted several brews to create the ultimate vial, a glowing purple sludge that definitely didn’t look appetizing. Yet, from the distance he was from, it smelled… nice. Like somebody shoved lavender up his nostrils and hoped he wouldn’t notice the actual smell of the potion, which probably smelled like Changeling feces.
Anyway, he and his wife had sat down, making sure they were keeping an eye on the apothecary to see if they could recreate this for future use. Cadance was keeping watch on their daughter anyway, so he could watch the behind the scenes action unfolding in front of him. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that interesting. Just a lot of measurement and trial and error, but it seemed that the apothecary was almost done—
“And… done!”
With a grin akin to a maniac smeared on Magic Mushrooms’ face, the stallion presented his solution to the couple. “One poison joke cure for the royal couple as promised,” the stallion said with a bow.
“Thank you!” Princess Cadance said with a smile. She grabbed in her magic, levitating it just above the counter. “Do we just let her drink it all or?”
The apothecary hummed to himself before he nodded. “Make sure to not spill it, as it may or may not burn a hole through anything it touches.”
“Uhh…” Shining Armor said. “Let me handle this, babe.”
“Okay,” Cadance replied. She levitated it over to her husband, who promptly took it in his magic. Cadance turned to her daughter. “Let’s get you down from the rafters, Flurry.”
Flurry Heart’s prison slowly gravitated down to the ground, hovering just in front of her mother and father. Carefully, the Princess lifted her daughter from her prison, leaving her to—
“Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder!”
“Okay, we definitely need to get you to stop saying those things,” Cadance declared. She gently propped the foal on her leg and smiled. “Okay, honey, she’s ready.”
Shining carefully trotted over, keeping the potion level. “Open up her mouth so I can get this in her—”
“MENSTRUATION!”
The foal cried and cried and cried, her eyes full of tears. They gently raced down her face.
“Okay, just have her keep saying things while I angle this just right—”
“YEAST INFECTION!”
“Almost! Keep her propped up, and maybe this time it’ll actually land in her—”
“STREP THROAT!”
“Basically,” Cadance said nonchalantly, earning her an eye roll from her husband. She giggled at his pain. “Sorry.”
“You’re totally not but no time to debate that.” He tipped the vial gently toward his daughter. “In comes the train, choo choo!”
“DIABETES, DEMENTIA, ABORT—”
The foal was corked with the vial, and the inappropriate protest was silenced with the cure to their problems. The foal slurped it down, leaving none to remain in the vial.
Shining Armor and Cadance looked on expectantly, their eyes wide and glistening. No one said a word.
Then, Flurry Heart looked at her two parents and smiled. “Mama! Papa!”
“Flurry Heart!”
The family embraced, much to the apothecary’s delight. He cleaned off his station and left the family to their heartwarming moment.
Cadance nuzzled her pride and joy. She was so happy that Flurry Heart was back to normal. “I’m so happy she’s back to normal.”
“Yeah, me too,” Shiny replied, giving his wife a nuzzle. “Glad that’s over.”
“Well, Shiny, I guess we can lift that spell nullifier now and get back to the—”
“Erectile Dysfunction,” Flurry Heart said of her own volition with an entirely unwarranted smile.
Shining Armor sighed. “Great…”