//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Very Important Guest // Story: Diary of a Royal Guard // by Triple Word Score //------------------------------// Doing Things Differently: When serving in the military, soldiers must accept that from time to time, they will receive orders that do not make any sense whatsoever. In most places, this is usually because the one giving the orders has been yelling and has reached the point where the noise has ceased to form coherent words and sentences. This is mitigated by the fact that the one being yelled at is probably not paying attention anyway and is merely replying, “Yes sir,” as necessary in order to stop the assault on their eardrums. Afterward, the latter walks out wondering just what the hell they were ordered to do while the former wonders why they just can't seem to get through to their subordinates. Thus, the cycle repeats. For those of us in the Royal Guard in Canterlot, this never comes up. There's a certain level of professional respect that comes about when everyone here has been selected from a list of recommendations from units posted all around Equestria and detachments at various embassies. The exact criteria for selection are known only to the Princesses and Captain Shining Armor, but no one ever comes to Canterlot straight from basic training. However, we are not exempt from receiving nonsensical orders. It is entirely possible for an order to make no logical sense despite being spoken or written in perfect Equestrian. Such orders, unfortunately, have a disturbing tendency to send logic and common sense on holiday. And it always seems to happen right before my days off. The first sign of trouble came during the morning briefing before the day shift started. At the time, it seemed innocuous, since it was mostly aimed at the guards posted at the main gate. Even though the Princesses only hold open court twice a month, there can be appointments, summons, or the occasional tour group. Today, they were expecting Princess Celestia's prized protege, Twilight Sparkle, and delivery of two crates of bananas. While the banana delivery did appear somewhat odd, I paid little mind as I had been patrolling the library with Sgt. Scud Runner all week. Then, the captain informed us that there would be another guest, and one of the two of us would escort him to the throne room when he came out of the library. Also, this guest wouldn't be a pony. It wasn't until after we were dismissed to relieve the night watch that questions started playing in my head. Why would the library patrol be concerned about a guest if the main gate guards aren't? The library isn't even connected to the palace. What would he look like? There are plenty of non-ponies even here in Canterlot. How am I supposed to know when he arrives? My ever-helpful counterpart recommended I simply try not to think about it, but I couldn't help it. It made my head hurt. His “I told you so” did not improve matters. Upon reaching our patrol area, I decided to check and see if there were any non-ponies already inside. My mind desperately wanted to hold onto its logic, and if this whatever it was wasn't there, perhaps we would see him enter the library and then escort him when he was ready to leave. Sadly, there were only ponies inside when I looked, and all of the other visitors throughout the day were ponies as well. Again, Sgt. Scud insisted that I not dwell on it, and again, I ignored him. Near the end of our shift, a unicorn mare came up and introduced herself as Twilight Sparkle. I remembered her name from this morning, but I'd never met Celestia's student before. She wanted to inquire if the mysterious guest had showed up. After confirming that we had seen neither hide nor hair of him, she pulled out a small scroll and made a quick scratch on it with her quill. I stole a glance at the parchment as she did so. It appeared to be a checklist titled, “What to do if Princess Celestia's friend is late.” She crossed out the entry labeled, “Pester the guards,” before rolling it back up and proceeding into the library. Barely 5 minutes later, she emerged from the library with a very satisfied look on her face. Accompanying her was something I can only describe as an overgrown, ambulatory sack of potatoes. Apparently, this was who we were supposed to escort back to the palace. I stared at the creature incredulously. I'm not the best guard in Canterlot, but I definitely would have noticed if an orangutan had wandered into the library. It 'oook'ed at me. Against my better judgment, I volunteered to escort the pair of them to the throne room in the palace. I really only wanted to swing by the guards' infirmary to get something to make the headache go away. Miss Sparkle provided helpful distraction on the way with small talk. She had first met Celestia's friend (I never heard if he had a name) shortly after she became the student of the Princess. Today marks his first visit since then. Eventually, we made our way to the grand foyer outside the throne room. Prince Blueblood paced back and forth outside the doors muttering about being denied entry despite his title. The instant he noticed our approach, he shrieked something about “filthy monkeys” being allowed inside the palace before storming off. At that, the doors swung wide open, revealing the ever-radiant visage of the Princess of the Sun, who was delighted to see her student and friend once more. I must have looked as bad as my head felt, because I was quickly dismissed to the infirmary. It was the most sensible order I've gotten all day. Comeuppance: No thanks to the generic pain medication I got from the infirmary, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. The headache was a stubborn one, and I spent most of the night staring at the back of my eyelids. My brain conspired to further thwart my efforts at falling asleep by trying to figure out just what that ape would be up to with Princess Celestia and her student at that hour. It is to my great relief that I have today and tomorrow off, as I don't believe I would have been fit for duty this morning due to sleep deprivation. Even though it is barely past lunch time, I will likely sleep the entire afternoon just to make up for what I lost. In any case, I decided around 3:00 am to try my luck with the night medic at the infirmary to see if I could acquire something stronger than what you can buy off the shelf at a pharmacy. The magic words seemed to be, “I won't be on duty,” because as soon as I said it, I was given a tiny pill that promised to knock me the hell out within 5 minutes. That's good enough for me. On my way out towards what I hoped would be sweet, restful slumber, I heard a commotion from the corridor leading to the throne room. I really didn't want to care about it. There were plenty of night guards on duty to handle it on their own, but my curiosity went and roped duty into the mix. I was there, and I might be able to help whether I'm on duty or off. Something about 'constant vigilance' or whatever. The sight that greeted me in the throne room was shocked me to no end. Tied up in the rafters dangled none other than Prince Blueblood whose face bespoke fear, embarrassment, and seething anger. He was shouting rather incoherently at a gray pegasus hovering nearby. I thought she was Ditzy Doo, an odd job mare on the maintenance crew, mainly due to her eyes pointing in different directions. Although, she does sometimes go by Derpy; maybe she has a twin sister. The few times I've spoken with her, she seemed too smart to get confused about her name. Scattered all around the room, stood at least a couple dozen night and day guards staring, pointing, and generally rubbernecking. I'm at a loss for how all these off-duty guards got here so quickly. I can't think of a way for word to make it out of the palace in the middle of the night in the time it took me to get a sleeping pill. I guess rubberneckers just know where to be when there's something to stare at. Oddly, despite the protests of one individual, no one was doing anything helpful. Guards were just idly chatting among themselves and snickering behind their hooves. Ditzy/Derpy looked to be making faces at the hapless Prince. I joined a small group of gawkers to find out what was going on. To make a long story short, Princess Celestia invited her student and her friends to the Grand Galloping Gala about a year and a half ago. One of the mares had attempted to begin a courtship with the boorish Prince. Rather than let her down easily, his response was to string her along for the entire night. In the process, he managed to deeply insult not only the mare in question, but also another one of Twilight's friends. The regent's behavior that night caused him to lose favour with his aunt, Princess Celestia (I hope it was by adoption), and it was decreed that so long as his life is not in danger, guards and palace staff have free reign to ignore his demands as they please. The general consensus of the room said that the rafters were structurally sound, and the rope holding him in place was strong enough and tied securely enough that he was in no danger of falling. Therefore, we weren't obligated to do anything. I guess all the noise echoing around the palace attracted the attention of the aforementioned Princess, because she suddenly cleared her throat to get the attention of everypony in the room. The following is my best recollection of the dialogue and events at that point. “What are you all doing here causing such a racket at this hour?” “Auntie! These ponies refuse to perform their duties!” “Is that's so?” inquired the regal alicorn, raising a skeptical eyebrow. One of the guards piped up, “He's not in any danger.” “Besides,” another contributed, “he's perfectly capable of teleporting himself down.” A chorus of agreement followed from the rest of us. The maintenance pegasus caught the Princess's eye smiling and waving enthusiastically. At this Celestia's face softened before assuming a slightly mischievous grin. “Well, Derpy here seems to agree with the guards' assessment. Perhaps you could enlighten us on how you found yourself in your current predicament?” “One of the monkeys in the garden escaped and did this!” Blueblood's yelling wasn't winning any sympathy points. “Really, did anyone see any animals escaping from the gardens?” No one did. “Hmm, did anyone see any monkeys in the palace?” Another rousing bout of, 'No's. Before any other questions were asked, the bound up unicorn interrupted, “What about him? It was there with him outside the throne room last night.” I suddenly noticed many pairs of eyes falling on me. Thinking I should probably respond to this accusation I realized he could only mean the guest I had escorted to the palace yesterday evening. I defended myself, “That wasn't a monkey. He was an orangutan, a kind of ape, and an invited guest of the Princess at that.” The 'invited guest' part went ignored, “An ape!? What in Equestria is the difference?” “Monkeys have tails,” I replied flatly. This earned me a couple of odd looks and a few nods of agreement. A gentle voice rescued me from further interrogation, “Honestly my dear nephew, you should have learned that in magic kindergarten. Do I have to send you back there?” Several unicorns shuddered at the thought. From what I heard, I don't blame them. “No! No! Anything but that!” “Well then," declared the Princess of the Sun, taking a sterner tone, "here is what will happen. Since you are not presently in any danger, you may extricate yourself from those bindings at your leisure. Alternatively, you may wait until sunrise, and I will deal with you as I see fit,” she held up a hoof to forestall any objections from a certain somepony. “The rest of you who are not currently on duty, please return to your own activities outside the palace.” And that was that. As a bonus, my headache subsided considerably during that little diversion. There's a lesson in all of this. It is unwise to mistreat anyone in the palace. Even a few of the aristocrats have figured this out. The Princesses know the names and life stories of all but the newest guards and staff members in the palace from Captain Shining Armor all the way down to the janitors who clean the bathrooms. After only a couple months, they have most of mine already. They also have friends and contacts all over Equestria and beyond. The point is, to insult or mistreat any of these individuals is to cross the Royal Pony Sisters themselves. It's generally well-advised to stay on their good side. That's enough from me. I'm off to have another go at sleeping off what's left of this headache. AN: The Librarian comes from the Discworld series of novels by Terry Pratchett. You should read them if your non-pony reading list is running low.