995 CE
(Celestia)
"And so, I decided I should start up a correspondence with her in order to better understand her motivations as well as provide any help I can with raising a non-pony foal."
I patiently listen as my faithful student finishes her report, all the while sipping on a cup of tea. Seeing her finish, I reply.
"Well, it sounds like it worked out in the end. I am glad you started to take my lessons about friendship to heart."
"No... that was... I am just helping an acquaintance, we are not friends!"
It was always so cute when my little ponies tried to lie. They are all so bad at it, it is a wonder there are any tricksters or con-ponies left in the world.
"Of course Twilight. I am sure you know exactly what you are doing. You seem quite tired from your trip. Why don't you and Spike return to your rooms so we can begin lessons as usual tomorrow?"
"Yes, Princess."
"I told you to call me Celestia."
I smiled gently as Twilight bowed out of the room. That mission was certainly more fruitful than I had predicted. Twilight was finally opening up a little and had already made inroads with her future friends. Leave it to Twilight to exceed my expectations, whether it is academics, problem-solving, or just being cute, that little filly never failed to impress. It had been centuries since I last meet a pony like her.
"So what did you think?"
I said to a seemingly empty room. A lesser pony might have jumped as a figure materialized seemingly out of thin air, but I just continued to sip my tea. It was the Smiling Pony, the de facto leader of S.M.I.L.E., or at least the current pony to hold the title. Officially the agency was run by my moronic nephew, but he held no real power. This generation's Smiling Pony certainly earned their title, a bit ironic considering I have yet to see them smile. They were among the handful of ponies throughout history who could sneak up on me, an especially impressive feat considering they are not even a unicorn.
"It sounds like some major player is making a move. If I had to guess, I would say either the Shadows or the Crystals." They responded in their standard flat voice.
"Oh really, and why is that?"
"Something like this is not the Chaos Cult's style, not enough explosions or cotton candy. It fits the Changeling's M.O., but as far as we can tell, they don't know about Operation Selene. Both the Crystal and Shadow Cults know about the Operation and the Elements. The Shadow Cult mostly operates in Griffinstone, so that might explain the species of the interloper. However, the recent sabotage of Operation Helios suggests the Crystal cult might be involved."
I nod along with their deductions, my thoughts were along a similar line.
"True, but we can't rule out anything. I am sure the other players are already aware of what happened. Unfortunately, Griffinstone forced this to be a rather public incident. Even if it wasn't their move, we can expect reactions."
Crystal, Chaos, Chingling, and Shadow would all benefit from an Equestrian civil war. That made it imperative that Operation Selene went off without a hitch, especially since Helios might not be back on track in time.
"See if you can get Sweetie Drops some reinforcements, and inform her that her primary mission has changed from monster control to protecting Operation Selene."
I thought I could detect a slight frown from the Smiling Pony. "What about the griffin and the rest of the town?"
"I always care for my little ponies, even the ones that are not ponies. Any casualties would be unfortunate, but Operation Selene takes priority. If the Operation successes, even the entirety of Ponyville would be acceptable casualties. I trust that is not a problem?"
"That will not be an issue. I will inform Sweetie Drops of her new priorities."
The Smiling Pony vanished again, leaving me with my cooling cup of tea. Seeing as it was about time for a meeting with the ambassador from Farasi, I downed the drink quickly while still mulling over the situation down the mountain.
It seems interesting things were happening in Ponyville.
(???)
I finally get back to my Canterlot apartment after three long days in the dump that is Ponyville. Most ponies thought being a S.M.I.L.E. agent meant going to exotic locations or sipping margaritas on a beach. The truth was, most of it was paperwork and reassuring sure some dumb hick pony from the boonies that the spooky trees weren't demons in disguise.
At least this particular backwater filled with incestuous idiots actually had something exciting going on and weren't just trying to burn the local unicorn for being a witch.
After I finished settling back into my apartment, I begin writing my report. Not to my superiors in S.M.I.L.E., but to those who knew how to correctly wield power. Celestia was such a hypocrite with all her peace, equality, and harmony nonsense. The lesser ponies are only parasites on great ponies, reaping all the benefit of the latter's genius while the former only gives their unskilled labor in return. Celestia must know this, otherwise, why would she keep her incompetent yes-pony nobles around? Why would she live in an enormous castle while Canterlot's housing prices skyrocketed? Why would any nation that attempted to create a government that helped the common pony suddenly and mysteriously become unstable?
While the Princess and her cronies kept up the facade of equality to prevent a revolution, the true King would ensure everypony was in their proper place. Competent and intelligent ponies like myself would have freedom and wealth. Losers and hicks like those in Ponyvile would take their rightful place beneath us. The workers won't rise up when they don't have any free will. They aren't using their freedom anyways, they will hardly be able to complain when it is taken away.
Snap!
Oops. I got a little caught up in my thoughts and broke my quill again. Grabbing a new quill, I started my letter in earnest. The leaders of the Crystal Cult would want to know about the griffin born in Ponyvile, that is if they didn't create it in the first place. After all, creating designer babies has been a goal of the Cult for ages. No matter who created it, the griffin would provide an opportunity, at the very least a way to disrupt Operation Selene. I doubt the birth has gone unnoticed by the other powers as well. If we play our cards right, the Cult can let our enemies destroy each other and pick off what remains. Then, the King will return and the Crystal Cult will take its rightful place as the rulers of Equis.
In any case, interesting things are sure to happen in Ponyville.
(???)
"Hello, is anypony home?"
I cried out. There shouldn't be anypony in the house at this hour, but it never hurts to check. Hearing no reply, I dropped my disguise and begin some stretches. I run some power through my horn and cast a spell to clear off the dust of the day from my shining black chitin. I am not sure how the ponies can stand it. Their fur is always so itchy and it picks up dust like a mop. They also only have a horn or wings. Some of them don't even have that! The whole lot of them are born disabled. To top it all off, they can't even change forms! I would take being a changeling any day. Realy, I pity them.
I didn't have much time to reflect on how good it was to be a changeling, I had to use this opportunity to return to the hive. Normally I waited longer to return with my collected love, but recent events made an exception. When the S.M.I.L.E. agents came to Ponyville, I knew something exciting was going on. As a love collecter and not an infiltrator, I was technically supposed to just keep my head low in situations like this. But the nearest infiltrators were in Canterlot and the Queen would want to know if something big was going down. So, I turned myself into a harmless little fly and headed over to the library to check it out.
Oh boy was the risk worth it! A genetically modified baby being examined by Celestia's newest pet! That was definitely a sign that some of the movers and shakers were um... moving and shaking. The Queen would want to know about this as soon as possible so she could modify her plans. A part of me wonders why Ponyville? I mean, the only interesting thing about the town was how close it was to the Everfree forest. Whatever, that type of thing is above my pay grade.
I was making good progress on the preparations for my trip. I just had to tell some ponies that I would be out of town for business reasons for a few days, then I would stop by Sugercube Corner for some muffins and I would be on my way. I was practically shaking I was so excited. I am sure the Queen will be proud of me! I don't want to be an infiltrator full time, nothing beats fresh, hot Pinkie love, but maybe I will finally get another ling in town! There are some things I want to talk about that ponies just wouldn't understand. Like who's love tastes the best or how hard winter wrap-up is on the chitin.
About half an hour later and I am leaving Sugercube Corner, ready for my trip. It would take a few days to get to the hive, but I could already picture all the praise I would get for bringing this information!
Something interesting was finally happing in Ponyville!
(???)
I could feel it even in my stone prison. Something was causing... Okay, really? You do the three question mark thing and then immediately mention my stone prison? Are you even trying? Anyone who has watched the show or read even two stories on this website will immediately know who I am. That's just lazy writing, or you just did it for a multi-level meta-joke.
Anyway, dear reader, if you could tell from the FIRST BUCKING SENTENCE, my name is Discord, handsome lord of chaos, emir of entropy, and every bird in Canterlot's favorite statue. Now, while I will indulge in the author's insistence that everything be in first-person, I will not be letting you into my mind. Trust me, it is in everyone's best interest.
Let's get back to the story, shall we? I was trapped in the prison Moon-butt and Sun-butt had put me in, patiently waiting for season two, when I feel a disturbance in the chaos. That could only mean one thing, someone's totally original, do-not-steal, overpowered, author self-insert, original character has come to Equestria.
I would have smiled if I could, thanks again butt sisters. A situation like this could only mean more chaos and maybe even an interesting story. I know you couldn't see this because of the whole written media thing, but if I wasn't stone right now I would be looking right into the camera and winking.
Of course, being as I am currently still serving as the most luxurious bird latrine in Canterlot, there is not much I can do. My cult might get involved, but they operate largely independent of me. It would certainly be conspicuously counterproductive for a creative, conspiratory, and conniving Chaos Cult to be commanded, controlled, captioned, and constrained by a captive, contained, and concealed calamity creator conveniently countering the central conceit of the casually crazy commune.
Ha! Twenty-four 'c' words! Beat that you dumb rabbit! I've got so many 'c's it looks like your report card!
Where was I? Oh yes, the Chaos Cult. Unlike the other powers that lurk in the shadows, my lovely cult does not seek power or dominance. Rather, they are a collection of individuals who realize that the best way to give meaning to life is change, chaos, and simple fun. So what if some ponies get hurt, everything is going to die someday and all the achievements of mice and mare will be but dust in the cosmic wind.
This newcomer will cause change. Delightful change that will echo across Equestria. And all I had to do was sit back and watch.
I love it when interesting things happen in Ponyville.
(???)
(Warning: implied gore)
There was a knock at the door to the operating room.
I sigh, I thought I had told my assistants not to interrupt me while I was working. This better be important, I already had a patient on the table.
"Come in. What is it? Is one of the subjects giving you trouble?"
"No, Doctor. I come with a telegram from Equestria. It is marked urgent."
"Fine. Give it here."
The assistant quickly clawed me the letter before scurrying back out of the operating room. They all knew I liked to be alone when I was doing my experiments.
I opened the letter with my claws and quickly read the contents. It was more than enough for me to forgive the intrusion. The egg that had vanished from the lab about a month ago had been found, moreover, it had hatched! The experiment had been a success! I am sure the parents would have been proud if they had lived through the process. As the closest thing to a living biological father, I had no choice but to head to Equestria and see the hatchling in person.
A quick conversation with my secretary later and the gears were in motion for my visit. It would take months to make arrangements and actually reach the hatchling, so I decided to continue with my work. Maybe I should treat myself to some sushi tonight to celebrate.
I returned to the operating room, humming to myself as I prepared the tools of my trade. My patent, an earth pony mare whose body was currently covered with sickly black sores, looked at me with fear and dread. How wonderful! It had finally stopped struggling and accepted its role in the advancement of medicine.
"I hear you are a mother. Identical twins if my records are right."
I begin to talk to my subject as I finished preparing my tools. I know it is unprofessional, but it helps me focus.
"Rumor has it that you tried to hide them. That was very selfish of you. Identical twins are very important to medical science. One must have a control group to get accurate results. But don't worry, our birds found them under the floorboards, so they can contribute just like you!"
The sheer size of its eyes upon hearing the good news was simply wonderful. I am sure it will be proud of the breakthroughs its foals will contribute to. I was done with setting up for the surgery now, so I activated my recording crystal and begin the procedure.
"Experiment one thousand nine hundred and forty-five.
"Seven days ago, the subject was injected with a live sample of the yersinia pestis bacteria. Since then, the disease known as the plague or the black plague has been allowed to take its course, with no treatment provided. I will now be performing a vivisection on the subject to inspect the effects of the disease on the internal organs of a pony. As with all operations, the use of anesthetics has been forgone in order to ensure accurate results. I will now make the first incision."
My scalpel pierced the subject near its left foreleg. I began to hum to my patient's muffled screams. Throughout the whole operation, I could not stop smiling. It was simply so wonderful! Going to Equestria provided so many opportunities! I would be able to see the result of my magnum opus and perform some field experiments that I had been thinking about for ages! Being in the land of the ponies, I would have no shortage of test subjects.
When I get there, I am sure plenty of interesting things will happen in Ponyville!
(Fluttershy)
I put down my quill on what is hopefully the last of many stressful days. The paperwork had all been filed, the mystery had been sufficiently solved, and the letters to my parents and brother had been written. Hopefully, things would finally get back to normal, or at least a new normal.
Gwen was safely in her crib and sleeping for the first time in her new home. I was a little worried that she might not handle all my animal friends well, but she stayed call the entire time I was introducing her. She is such a sweet little snow angel. Speaking of angels, I could tell Angel Bunny was a little upset about Gwen coming to live with us, but she always is angry when new creatures come around. I think she is concerned with her place in the pecking order. Hopefully, they can get along in the future.
I started my evening routine, getting ready for bed. I made extra sure to brush my teeth hard to get rid of any ink from my mouth writing. I heard horror stories from Rarity about earth pony and pegasus schoolers whose teeth were permanently stained black from all the writing they did. Some ponies saw it as a sign of intelligence, I just saw it as gross.
Just as I slid into bed I could have sworn I heard some sort of scuffle, but I think I was just imagining thing. All of my nocturnal friends know not to fight, and if it was something more important, they would have come to get me. I was not worried, and I needed my sleep.
Besides, nothing interesting ever happens in Ponyville.