Mail Order Groom

by Irrespective

3. - A Wide Variety Now In Stock!

“Ah still can’t get over the fact that you’re the one offering stallions through the mail,” Applejack said as she poured a cup of coffee and offered it to Ms. Harshwhinny. “Ah thought you were in charge of the Equestria Games.”

“I still am,” Harshwhinny said, and her nose wrinkled at the smell of the cheap, burnt and boiled coffee in the mug she’d been given. “My husband usually handles the day-to-day affairs of Friendly Finding Services. But we started the company together, and I offer what help I can to him.”

“I didn’t realize you were married,” Rarity said.

“That’s because I wasn’t during the Crystal Empire Games,” Harshwhinny replied, and she smiled as her husband sat next to her and put his hoof on hers. “But one night during the preparations, I was flipping through the personal ad section in the Crystal Empire Times, and I happened to see the most pitiful notice that I’d ever seen.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” the sparkling orange pony cut in, and he puffed out his chest while swiping a hoof through his arctic blue mane with a pronounced flourish. “In fact, it was thoughtful, succinct, and heartwarming, as I recall.” 

Harshwhinny rolled her eyes. “‘Wanted: a mare to share the rest of my life with. I’m a complete loser who has never had any luck with the ladies,’” she recited flawlessly. “‘I’m looking for somepony who wants to see the world, who never backs down, and who can get my mess of a life straightened out for me.’”

“Okay, so maybe it was that bad,” Väs admitted. 

“It got worse from there, but you get the idea,” Harshwinny went on. “Somehow, that pathetic plea for help touched my heart, and I decided to contact Crystal Väs and to find out why he had put that ad in the paper. We met two days later, got to talking, and… well, one thing led to another.” She gave Väs a peck on the cheek and smiled when he blushed.

“But that doesn’t explain why you started mailing grooms,” Applejack said.

“How would you even put a stamp on them?” Pinkie asked thoughtfully. 

“I’m getting to that,” said Harshwhinny. “In my travels and conversations as the head of the Equestria Games, I’ve noticed that there is a certain percentage of mares and stallions that are unable to find companionship on their own. The reasons vary, but the longing is always the same. Their perfect match is out there, but without some help finding their counterpart…”

“You end up with Twilight,” chirped Pinkie. “We understand.”

Rarity gently patted Applejack’s shoulder. “There are more difficult mares to match up, after all.”

“That’s where the idea for Friendly Finding Services first came from,” Harshwhinny went on. “Väs was the one to come up with the concept: why not gather together a pool of eligible bachelors, and then advertise that pool in order to make it all the easier for a mare to find a mate? It’s a win-win for both parties, and both Väs and I feel like we’re really making a difference in ponies’ lives.”

“The biggest thing we offer is an individual touch,” Väs added. “Sure, a pony can put a want ad in the paper, but you have no idea who will respond.” Väs pulled the window shade down from where several stallions were trying to peer in the window. “We provide a more selective service. A dating service also typically doesn’t have access to zebras, kirins, hippogriffs, and the other minority groups in Equestria.”

“Your advertisement was rather obvious in that regard,” Rarity remarked.

“That’s also the last time we’ll be using the Flim Flam Marketing and Advertising Agency,” Väs said with a sheepish grin. “They did go just a bit over the top.”

Harshwhinny glanced to Applejack, and a knowing smile crossed her features. “Väs, why don’t you sort out the candidates for Miss Applejack and try to bring some order to their presentation?”

“Sure thing, love,” he said with a quick kiss and a wink. “But I think I’m gonna need some help. Would you all mind giving me a hoof?”

“Of course!” Rarity said with a devious grin. “We’d be delighted to help sort Applejack’s potential prospects, wouldn’t we girls?”

“I call dibs on the bullhorn!” Rainbow announced as she streaked towards the front door. 

“We have a bullhorn?” Fluttershy asked as the others followed Rainbow outside. Harshwhinny put a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder when she started to stand, though, and motioned for her to stay in her seat.

“Might I have a private word with you, Miss Applejack?” she asked.

“Look, Ah’m right sorry about all of this,” Applejack started first. “Ah’m just wastin’ your time.”

“Let me guess. You wrote that letter because your friends were teasing you about getting married, am I right?”

“On the nose,” Applejack grumbled. 

“You’re not the first one to write to FF Services because of teasing,” Harshwhinny said with a small grin. “Nor will you be the last. However, I get the feeling that there’s something deeper here, something that isn’t readily obvious to your friends or to your family.”

“Yeah?” Applejack asked with a curious glance, and Harshwhinny nodded.

“Indeed. I see a lot of myself in you, Miss Applejack. For the longest time, I was able to convince myself and others that I didn’t want or need a husband. Love was an inconvenience, a time-consuming proposition that would end up being a waste. There was too much to be done, not enough time to do it, and adding a relationship on top of the pile would be an unneeded burden. But then, when I found Väs, I finally realized how deeply and completely alone I had felt before. His comfort and his touch filled my life with warmth and light, and my life feels complete and whole with him. We each lacked what the other had in glorious abundance, and now that we are together, we are far stronger than ever before. 

“I’m not going to tell you that you’ll find the same happiness that I did. In fact, it is entirely likely that having a mate would only complicate and inconvenience you, and the last thing you need is a loveless marriage. What I am going to tell you is that it’s worth giving this a chance. It is possible that there is a special somepony outside your door in that sea of stallions, if you’re willing to look. Väs and I are willing to offer our services and our expertise, but we won’t force you into anything.”

Applejack drew in a long, deep sigh. She was exhausted, she was irked that her friends had gone behind her back, and she just wanted everything to go back to normal.

But normal wasn’t a place she could get back to, she realized after a moment of thought. Not the normal she had once known, at least. With Granny Smith gone, the normal that she had grown comfortable with was now just a memory, and no amount of wishing or hard work or anything else would change that reality. 

She hadn’t wanted to move on when Bright Mac and Buttercup had left, either, but life had moved on anyway and she’d been dragged into an uncertain future with it. Of course, in hindsight, the loss had brought her, Apple Bloom, and Big Mac closer together, and as crazy as it sounded, she had found meaning and purpose in the pain.

And she did still need help with the chores…

“If Ah agree to this, you ain’t gonna pressure me into anything, right?” Applejack finally said.

“No pressure at all,” Harshwhinny replied. “Väs and I never do that. We always allow our clients to move at their own pace. If you decide there isn’t a mate for you in that unruly mob outside, then we will respect that decision, wish you the best, and depart.”

“All right. Ah’ll give it a shot,” Applejack slowly said with a huff. “So, what do we do?”

Harshwhinny grinned. “Have you ever heard of speed dating?” 

“All right, everypony, listen up!” Harshwhinny shouted through a bullhorn, and the sea of stallions in Applejack’s front yard turned their attention to her. “Here’s how this is going to work. Each of you will get five minutes to introduce yourself to Applejack, and to answer her questions. At the end of the five minutes, I will ring a bell, and your time will be over. There will be no additional time given; five minutes is all you get! If you are selected to move on, you will wait over by the barn. If you are not selected, we thank you for your time and ask you to return to your home. All decisions by Applejack will be final, absolute, and strictly enforced. Is everypony clear on this?”

“Let’s get this over with,” Applejack grumbled as she plunked down behind the table that had been set up in front of her house, a large coffee cup on her right and a pad of paper in front of her and ready to go. “How many stallions we got to work through, anyway?”

“I estimate we’ve got a herd of about five hundred ponies or so, roughly,” Rainbow Dash said as she sat on Applejack’s left. “So we’re bound to find a nice stud for you.”

“I agree; it is rather unlikely that you won’t find a gentlestallion who catches your fancy from this assembly,” Rarity added while sitting down on Applejack’s right. 

“I can’t wait to throw an engagement party!” Pinkie pronounced with glee. “Oo! Maybe it’ll be that nice green one over there. Or that mauve one! Maybe the grey one! I CAN’T HANDLE THE SUSPENSE!”

“I just want Applejack to find her special somepony,” Fluttershy said with a soft smile as she sat with the others. “If he exists, that is.”

“Ah just want to get back to work,” Applejack said with a snort. “But Ah ain’t gonna get nothing done with all them millin’ around. Who’s first?”

There was a brief pause, and Starlight Glimmer glanced to a stallion near the front of the slightly organized mob. She cleared her throat, and when that didn’t work, Crystal Väs poked the stallion with a hoof, then motioned for him to step forward after his yelp of alarm. The light green stallion was a bit on the small side, with teal eyes that were looking at anything other than Applejack, but he quickly trotted up and shook his head, as if sorting his thoughts. He cleared his throat once he sat in the chair that was a few paces away from the potential bride and her friends, and he offered a thin smile.

“Name?” Harshwhinny demanded.

“I’m Trail Blazer, ma’am,” he replied. “And it’s nice to meet you, Applejack.”

“Likewise,” Applejack replied. Sure, she was still upset about the situation, but that wasn’t an excuse for poor manners, and she had been raised better than that. “So, why do you think you’d be a good husband for me?”

“Well, Miss Applejack, I think I’m a lot like yourself, in a way,” Trail Blazer began. “I grew up on the outskirts of Baltimare, and I’ve always been a hard worker. I like pina coladas, and getting lost in the rain, but I’m not much into health food. I do like champagne, I can’t stand red tape, and I’d love to take you to a small little bar back home for our first official date.”

“Uh huh,” Applejack replied, her eyes on the pad of paper in front of her while she wrote Con: doesn’t want to stay on the farm. With a small sigh, Applejack glanced over the two pros she’d written—hard worker and not into health food—and then over to Harshwhinny.

 Applejack’s eyes widened in amazement. Harshwhinny was furiously scrawling a novel on her pad of paper, a small trail of smoke trailing from the tip of her pencil from the sheer speed of her words. With a casual flick of the hoof, Harshwhinny moved on to the next page, and continued to scrawl until she was halfway down the legal sized pad.

“Well?” she said with a pointed glare to Applejack. “Do you have any follow-up questions for Trail Blazer?”

“I got a couple,” Rainbow Dash proclaimed, and in one swift move, she shot out of her seat, over to the interviewee, and poked him in the chest with a hoof. “Just what kind of ‘hard work’ did you do, huh?! I bet you’ve never even lifted an apple basket before!”

“Well, no,” Trail Blazer admitted. “But my family does own a small avocado orchard, and I helped out with that quite a bit.”

“Really?” said Applejack.

“Oh, yes. I used to work all day, lifting baskets of avocados, taking them back to our sorting warehouse, and getting them packed up.”

“So…” Applejack frowned in concentration, taking the difference between the skinny stallion and his words. “How many avocados did you used to lift at one time?”

“Close to a hundred,” declared Trail Blazer proudly, holding out a hoof. “Here, I brought you one, so you can tell how delightful they are.”

Applejack looked down, then looked again at the extended hoof. “Ah’ve seen watermelon seeds bigger than… oh. Your family owns a small avocado orchard. Hilarious.”

“Just what kind of comedian do you think you are?!” Rainbow demanded with another sharp poke. “This is serious!” 

“I am being serious,” Trail Blazer said with a wince. “Our novelty avocados are used—” 

“Applejack doesn’t have time for your jokes! Get your mangy hide out of here!”

“Rainbow, quit pestering the poor fellow!” Starlight Glimmer cut in, her magic pushing the overbearing pegasus back to the table. “Sorry about her. Somepony switched out her decaf for regular this morning.”

“Hey!” Rainbow protested. 

“Applejack?” Harshwhinny repeated. “What is your decision?”

Applejack hesitated and tried to come up with a question to ask, but nothing was forthcoming. The stallion seemed nice enough and genuine—even with the ridiculous avocados—but there wasn’t really anything about him that stood out or caught her interest. Still, he did have some farming experience, and maybe he’d bulk up some once she put him to work. “All right, Ah’ll give you a chance. Go wait over by the barn for round two.”

Trail Blazer was ecstatic, and he let out a little cheer of delight while following the direction he’d be given. Before Harshwhinny or Applejack could ask for the next pony, however, a lanky slate-grey pony strode up, took the farmer’s hoof in his own, and planted a kiss on her fetlock. 

“Good morning, Applejack,” the stallion said, his words smoother than butter and just as fattening. “What an inestimable and indescribable honor it is to finally make your acquaintance. I am Nickel Farthings the Third, Equire, and may I begin by noting that you have a marvelous agricultural enterprise established here. Why, not two days will go by but I hear of your marvelous produce and exceptional business skills.”

“I bet you’re interested in her produce,” Rainbow muttered under her breath.

“Be nice,” Fluttershy replied.

“Indeed,” Nickel went on like he hadn’t heard Rainbow’s snide remark, “I admit to already feeling a fond regard for you already, despite having just met. Your critical eye for detail is sure to be a natural fit with my business acumen, and together, we are sure to elevate Sweet Apple Acres—and yes, I daresay even Ponyville—to a level of prosperity that could not be realized by a single operator.” 

“But what about Big Mac, Sugar Belle, and Apple Bloom?” Rarity asked.

Nickel Farthings the Third gave Rarity a blank stare for a moment. “Forgive me, but I am unfamiliar with those ponies. Is your farm a multiple partner operation, then?”

“Do you really think a farm of this size can be run by one pony?” Rarity pressed with an exasperated sigh. “Honestly. I’m not so sure your business savvy is quite up to par, so to speak. Just what exactly is your profession, Mister Farthings?”

The question caught him off guard, and he spluttered for a moment before blowing a raspberry. “Well, that… I mean, it’s not really important to the matter at hoof. What we should be concerning ourselves with is the upcoming courtship between Miss Applejack and myself, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Indeed, that would be paramount,” Rarity said. “So, what say you, Applejack?”

“Talks too much, and too fancy,” Applejack dryly said before taking a long swig of her coffee. “Next.”

“But, Miss Applejack…”

“The decision has been made,” Harshwhinny cut in with a hard glare that could melt stone. “You have been given your opportunity. Thank you for your time.”

Nickel Farthings the Third tried to protest further, but the effort died in his throat when Harshwhinny tilted her head slightly and turned up the power of her glower. With a resigned sigh, he turned tail, and Crystal Väs nudged Starlight with a chuckle as Nickel walked away.

“Trust me, you do not want to be on the receiving end of that stare,” he quipped. “The first time my Whinny used it on me, I was sure I was a dead pony walking. I’ve never forgotten to get the garbage out to the curb since then.”

“Two down,” Applejack muttered to herself. “Next!”

“Well! I hardly expected a member of the Royal Guard Corps to be here today,” Rarity said in surprise. “This is most peculiar.”

“Rarity, everything about today is gonna to be peculiar,” Applejack said, but the fashionable unicorn did have a point. Applejack studied the guard as he approached, then saluted without sitting down, and she determined the whole thing would be a little less peculiar if he wasn’t still in his armor and looking like he’d just stepped away from his post. “Alrighty. Who are you?”

“Major Reinforcements, Miss Applejack ma’am,” the burly unicorn replied. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Why are you still in your armor?” 

“Well, I couldn’t get my request for personal leave approved, ma’am. So I’m doing this while I’m on duty.”

“You went AWOL?” Rainbow Dash gasped.

“No ma’am!” Reinforcements replied. “I’d never do that.”

“But..” Applejack hesitated. “If you’re on duty, then that means… oh no.”

A proud fanfare rang out in the distance, and Reinforcements went to attention. “Announcing the arrival of Her Most Serene Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle the First, by the Grace of Celestia and Luna—May They Live Forever—Ruler of Equestria and Her Dominions beyond the Seas, Protector of the Realm, Element of Magic, Defeater of Tirek, Vanquisher of the Terrible Trio, Guardian of the Tree of Harmony, Redeemer of the Pillars of Equestria, Noble Defender of the Crystal Empire!”

“Herald!” bellowed Twilight at a volume far above Librarian-level, "I said I'd let you announce me if you wanted to talk to Applejack, but I'm not paying you by the word! Some of those aren't even titles, anyway.”

“They will be now that he’s used them,” Harshwhinny snarked, but her comment went unheeded as Twilight’s friends moved in for a friendly hug. A few words of greeting were shared between the mares, but before Twilight could ask the expected question, Applejack beat her to the punch.

“So, I take it you saw the personal ad in the Canterlot Sun?”

“Actually, I found out about this when half the guard tried to put in for personal and sick leave for the day,” Twilight said. “They told me about the ad, but when I read it, it didn’t sound like you. Honestly, I thought Rarity had written it and just put your name in instead of hers.”

“Ah’ll give you three guesses why that is, and the first two don’t count,” Applejack said.

It only took Twilight half a second to figure out what happened. “But why would Rarity put the ad in the paper? And is that Ms. Harshwhinny over there?”

“Why don’t we get you a chair, Twi,” Applejack said with a sigh. “This is gonna take a minute to explain.”

“You know, you really don’t have to stay here, Twi,” Applejack said as the reunited friends sat down again. “Ah’m sure you’ve got plenty of work to do in Canterlot.”

“Not really,” Twilight replied. “Even if I did, there’s no way I’m going to let one of my best friends find a special somepony without my help. I’ll be here all day, and even tomorrow, if I need to,” she said with a glance over the crowd. 

“Shall we continue?” Harshwhinny asked, and Applejack nodded. “Very well. Next!”

A light gold pony stepped up with a confident stride, and he took a brief moment to tilt his stetson back before offering the pony panel a huge grin.

“Next!” called out Applejack.

“But I just sat down,” said Braeburn. “We ain’t had a good long talk in—”

“NEXT!” shouted Applejack. “Yer mah cousin, ya durned idjit! I ain’t about to go pickin’ apples out of my own family tree.”

“Well, I suppose.” Braeburn got up and looked around at the long line of stallions waiting their turn.  “You don’t mind if I check out some of your—”

“NEXT! bellowed Applejack.  “Braeburn, if your mangy carcass is within eyesight by the time I stand up, Ah’m going to kick you right back to Aaaappleloosa!”

Braeburn beat a hasty retreat, and the next stallion moved cautiously up to the chair, giving furtive looks to either side. “I... um... didn’t realize you had that kind of temper. I’m sorry, ma’am, but... goodbye.”

“That’s it,” growled Applejack, standing up and addressing the mass of males before. “Any of the rest of you want to drop out ahead of time, be my guest. Yes, ah’ve got a temper, but ah ain’t never kicked nopony who didn’t kick me first. Ah also hog the covers, get terrible gas from artichokes, and think the Baltimare Ravines are a disgrace to the noble art of hoofball an’ they should be run off the field afore they embarrass themselves like they did last week.”

One hoof went up in the crowd. “How about the Detrot Lions?”

“Well...” Applejack sat back down while the prospective pool of pony partners began to shrink.  “Ah can’t really say, on account of Rarity being one of my best friends. But ah’m willing to be tolerant of them. Now, let’s get this line moving again.”

“Next,” Applejack droned, but she gasped when she looked up from the notes she’d taken on the last candidate. “Caramel? Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“Well, I saw you ad in the Picayune this morning, and I was… well, what I mean… that is, I was hoping that, if you’re not too busy, you and I could finally go on that date you promised me for helping out with the Winter Wrap Up.”

“Seriously? That was years ago, and you lost the grass seeds!”

“I know. That’s why I haven’t said anything about it. But you did promise,” Caramel softly said. He then stood, and from within his saddlebags, he produced a small bouquet of white and red roses. “I, uh… I even got you some flowers. But if you don’t want them, then I’ll just leave, and…”

“Wait,” Applejack called out, and she bit her bottom lip. She had promised to take Caramel out on a date, but then had promptly forgotten all about it. The flowers were a nice touch, she had to admit, and her stomach rumbled a bit as she thought about turning them into a light midmorning snack. “Fine. Go wait over by the barn. You’re in.”

Caramel smiled, passed the flowers to Applejack, and then trotted over to the barn with a prance in his step. 

“You’re not seriously considering him, are you?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I mean, c’mon. It’s Caramel. The guy gets lost in his own house.”

“A promise is a promise,” Applejack said. “Ah wish he would’ve reminded me about it before now, though. Sides, he’s always been pretty nice, and he’s never done me any wrong. Don’t hurt nothin’ to give him a chance.”

“It’s your marriage.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Don’t blame me if it sucks later.”

“To be fair, Applejack wouldn’t have to worry about it now if you had kept your nose out of her personal affairs, now would she?” Harshwhinny said with a sly grin. 

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

Applejack nipped off a red bud from the bouquet with a smirk. “You ain’t gettin’ none of my flowers, neither. Who’s next?”

“Next!”

“Rainbows!” Zephyr Breeze shot out of the crowd before anypony could react, and he flung himself across the table in front of Rainbow Dash before propping his head on one hoof. “How’s it going, Dash? Did you miss me and all of my awesomeness?”

“Oh, great,” Rainbow Dash moaned while her friends snickered at the display. 

“C’mon, Rainbows. Don’t be like that. It’s your Zeppy we’re talking about here! How about a little kissy-kiss for your new hubby?”

“What?!” Rainbow Dash recoiled, and her chair nearly went over backwards. “I’m not the one looking for a husband! Applejack is!”

“You know, it’s cute how you keep up this little charade for your friends.” Zephyr Breeze flashed what was probably supposed to be his most charming grin, but looked more like he was going to pass a kidney stone. “But you don’t have to hide how you really feel about us, you know. I’m sure they’ve all guessed by now that you and I have—” he paused and threw his head back “—physics together.”

“Not since that incident in ninth grade, we haven’t,” Rainbow shot back.

“Um, I think he means chemistry,” Fluttershy noted.

“Just like baking soda and vinegar!” Pinkie added gleefully.

“Did you even bother to read the ad, or did you just follow where everypony else was going?” Rainbow asked.

“Oh, I read it, but c’mon. Let’s be real here,” Zephyr said with a bob of his eyebrows. “Sure, you put Applejack’s name in there, but we all know that it’s really you who’s been aching for a special somepony to call your own. That ad was a desperate call from you to me, and don’t even try to deny it, romantic as it might be. Just admit your true feelings, Rainbows.”

“Y’know, it’s amazing how completely and totally wrong you can be at times, Zeph.” Rainbow Dash rubbed the sides of her head in an apparent effort to quell a migraine, but she was getting no sympathy from her snickering friends in the matter. Even Harshwhinny couldn’t hold back a chortle or two, but she was able to control her amusement enough to interrupt the scene.

“As much as I hate to break this up, we simply don’t have time to let this continue. Mister Breeze, if you are here to court Rainbow Dash, then I must ask you to leave and to continue your romantic overtures at another time.”

“Oh, Ah dunno,” Applejack said with a smug grin. “Ah do appreciate a fella who can make me laugh, and Ah have been thinking about doin’ something different with my mane. What if Ah decide to give him a chance?”

“Applejack, if you let him” Rainbow jabbed a hoof at the still-smirking Zephyr Breeze “move on to the next round I’ll… I’ll…” she hesitated, then snorted. “I’ll do something. I just don’t know what.”

“Well, with that kind of a threat, Ah guess Ah ain’t got a choice,” Applejack said. “Sorry, Zephyr, but Miz Harshwhinny is right. Why don't you come back once this is all over, y’hear?”

“Oh, I’ll be back.” Zephyr slunk off the table and blew a kiss to Rainbow Dash. “Don’t you worry, Rainbows. Your Zeppy will always wait for you.”

Rainbow groaned. “Ugh, I’m gonna hurl, I swear.”

“Next,” Applejack called out as she frowned at the bottom of her empty coffee cup.

“Good Morning, Prince Blueblood,” Harshwhinny said, and Applejack’s eyes snapped up as Rarity let out a deep growl. “Is it safe to assume that things didn’t work out between you and Lady Chrysanthemum?”

“Our relationship came to a conclusion two days ago,” Blueblood said with a haughty sniff, but then he offered a soft smile. “Good morning, Miss Applej—”

“No. No, no, and no way under Celestia’s sun, no. Get him out of here,” Applejack instantly retorted.

“Really, Miss Applejack, there’s no need to be so callous and rude,” Blueblood said. 

Applejack stood, put both forehooves on the table, and leaned forward so she was nearly nose-to-nose with the so-called ‘noble.’ “Get yer lazy, good-for-nothing carcass out of here afore Ah kick it all the way back to Canterlot! You wouldn’t know a good day’s work if it bit you on your fat flank! Out! Out, you durned varmint!”

Blueblood beat a hasty retreat, and Rarity let out a satisfied grunt as he did so. “Serves him right, I say.”

“I take it there’s some bad blood between you and him?” Harswhinny asked, and Applejack nodded.

“Not yet, but if’n he comes back, Ah expect there to be a gallon or more spread out across the grass. We met once, and if we ever meet again, it’ll be too soon. Next!”

“Is it just me, or is the line of applicants getting longer?” Starlight Glimmer asked with a glance over the still sizable crowd.

“It’s not just you,” Väs replied. “We lost a bunch there at the beginning, but we’ve gained back the same amount as the day’s gone on.”

“Great.” Starlight snorted. “I should probably go check in at the school and make sure it hasn’t burned down or something. I’m sure Sunburst is taking care of everything, but he’s probably wondering why I’m not there.”

“I’ve got things under control here,” Väs said with a smile and a nod. “And even if I don’t, I’m sure Applejack, Princess Twilight, or Whinny will step in if need be. Go do what you need to, and don’t worry if you can’t make it back. Not your circus, not your monkeys.”

“Got it,” Starlight said with a chuckle. “I will try to get back here, though.”

“We’ll see you in a bit, then.”

Starlight nodded, then began her walk back into town. She was more than willing to help Applejack with this stallion issue, of course, but it would have been nice if she had known that this was going to happen. She was going to have to shuffle some evaluations around now, and possibly postpone the visit from King Thorax if this went on for more than a day or two, which seemed like a real possibility. The line of stallions waiting for their chance to woo the Element of Honesty still stretched past the farm and towards Ponyville proper, but at least they were in line now, and not milling around Ponyville and getting in the way.

Once she got into Ponyville, however, Starlight realized that things hadn’t gotten any less crowded. In fact, the humble hamlet looked like it had doubled in population, and it was hard to move through the crowds without bumping into somepony.

“Excuse me,” she said as she pushed past one stallion who was looking over Roseluck’s flower cart and sniffing the wares. 

“Oh! My apologies!” The kind fellow quickly twisted to get out of her way, but once she was past him, he moved back to look over the selection. “Say, do you happen to know which flowers Roseluck likes the most?”

“Roseluck? Aren’t you here for Applejack?” Starlight asked.

“Well, that’s why I came here originally,” the tan pony replied. “But then I saw the line, and I figured there was no point in trying. But when I came back into town to catch a train home, I saw the most perfect mare walking through town, and I followed her here. I really think I have a chance with her, but I need to do something to catch her attention first.”

“Oh,” Starlight said with a grin. “Well, to be honest, I’m not sure what her favorite flowers are. You could try asking her friends, Lily and Daisy. They should be running the shop with her.”

“Or, you could just ask me.” Roseluck cut into the conversation, and she giggled when the visitor blushed in embarrassment. 

“I guess I could, huh. I must look pretty stupid.”

“Nah, it’s kinda cute,” she said. “Nopony has ever really asked me what I like, to be honest. But if you’re trying to impress me, I actually like tulips the best. Roses are okay, but everypony wants them, so I’m around them all day long. They’ve kinda lost their charm at this point.”

“I’ll let you two talk this over,” Starlight said with a smile. “I gotta get to the school. Good luck with everything!”

The two of them thanked her as she trotted away, but Starlight only moved a few steps before stopping and turning to look over the slightly chaotic scene that was Ponyville at that moment. It was interesting to see the motley mess of males milling around, and she chuckled again as she watched a few attempts at flirtation among the local female population. By the fountain stood Lyra, who was giggling with a hoof to her mouth while a dark blue stallion put a hoof to his chest and proclaimed something unintelligible but probably terribly romantic, but the poor fool had no idea he was about to be pummeled by a very irate looking Bon Bon, who was marching herself over to the both of them with a furious scowl on her face. Amethyst Star was chatting with a greenish-grey stallion by the entrance to Quills and Sofas, Silverspeed was flying overhead with a brawny white pegasus who didn’t look familiar, and even Ditzy seemed to have picked up a noble-looking admirer as she walked towards the market.

Looks like this little stunt is going to turn out well for a lot of other ponies, even if it doesn't  for Applejack.

“Starlight! There you are,” Sunburst called out, and he motioned to the crowd as he walked up to her position. “So, did you find out what’s going on? Why are all these stallions here?”

“Oh, it’s nothing too serious,” Starlight said with a grin. “Turns out that ad in the paper this morning was real, and all these ponies are here in reply.”

“That ad saying that Applejack was looking for a husband?” Sunburst clarified, and Starlight nodded. “Really? That’s not just one of Rainbow Dash’s pranks?”

“Nope. But it looks like there’s a few studs who don’t want to continue their pursuit for Applejack, so they’re trying their luck in town instead.”

Sunburst glanced around again, a concerned look crossing his face. “Has… um, has anypony tried to talk to you?”

“Why?” Starlight batted her eyes at Sunburst and flashed a soft smile. “Afraid I might get swept off my hooves with some chocolates and a few romantic lines from a sappy love song?” 

Sunburst let out a nervous cough. “Well, no. I mean, not really. I was just thinking that… well, maybe I was…”

“C’mon.” Starlight nudged Sunburst and laughed. “You can buy me lunch, if you really want to, and fill me in on what I missed out on this morning at the school.”

“I’d like that,” Sunburst replied.

“Next. Next?” Applejack glanced round. “Where’s the next one?”

“Down here.” With considerable effort, a small colt managed to get his front hooves on the table and peer over. 

“Truffle?” Applejack gave Apple Bloom’s classmate a short frown. “What’re you doin’ here?”

“Mama said you’re the best cook in all of Ponyville,” said Truffle Shuffle with a quick licking of his lips. “If I’m your husband, can I have seconds every night at dinner?”

The collective “awww!” from the pony panel covered the collective feeling quite nicely. 

“Isn’t that just the most adorable thing you’ve ever heard?” Rarity proclaimed.

“Sorry, Truffle,” Applejack said. “You’re a mite bit young for me, and Ah sure don’t want to explain to your ma where those seconds are coming from. But Ah tell you what: next time you come over to play with Apple Bloom, Ah’ll sneak you an extra slice of pie. Just don’t tell anypony, got it?”

That offer seemed to greatly satisfy Truffle, if his huge grin was any indication. “Sweet! Thanks, Miss Applejack!” he dropped to the ground and scampered off. “Extra pie! I get extra pie!”

“I think you just made his day,” Harshwhinny noted with a grin. 

“Ah reckon so,” Applejack said with a nod, and she glanced down to her paper to make a note about her promise. 

“Who’s next?” Harshwhinny called out.

“Mister Cake!” spluttered Applejack. “What are you doing here?! You don’t think—”

“I’m just seeing if you or your friends need lunch,” said Carrot. “I mean, you’ve been out here all day without a chance to take a break, and you all must be getting hungry. It’s on Cup and me, no charge.”

“Oh! Oh.” Applejack looked to her friends, then back to him. “Well, that’s mighty kind of you, and Ah am feeling a little peckish.”

“Why don’t we take a short respite at this point?” Harshwhinny offered.

“Sounds good to me,” Rainbow said as she took the air and stretched all four legs at once.

“Very well. Let’s try to be back in fifteen minutes, shall we?”

“Uh, Applejack?” Big Mac’s voice came from behind as Applejack’s friends stood.

“‘Bout time you got here,” Applejack said with a snort. “Sugar Belle sick again?”

“Eeyup, but she’s feeling better now,” he said while he moved in front of the tables and looked over the crowd. “Um… what?”

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom chirped, and she jumped up on the table to get a better look. “Me and the other Crusaders woke up this mornin’ and found a whole mess of ponies walkin’ through town, and then Scootaloo’s Aunt Holiday tells us they’re all here to see you! What on earth is going on?”  

“It’s a long story,” Applejack said with a withering glare for Rainbow Dash. “Simply put, somepony decided to give my love life a kick in the flanks without telling me.”

“Hey, it wasn’t just me,” Rainbow Dash said defensively.

“Anywho, we’re trying to see if there’s a special somepony in this mess,” Applejack went on. “But while Ah’m busy with this, Ah need you two to go sort the first part of the harvest for me. Ah haven’t had a chance to touch it.”

Apple Bloom looked both ecstatic and confused. “Wait. You’re trying to find a special somepony? Ah didn’t think you were lookin’!”

“Ah wasn’t. Like Ah said, somepony decided to look for me. Someponies,” she corrected. "A whole passel of 'em."

“Well, Ah wanna help!” Apple Bloom announced. “Ah already got a sister-in-law, so why not a brother-in-law, too? What can Ah do?”

“Sort apples,” Applejack firmly repeated. 

“What?! Ah, c’mon!” Apple Bloom protested.

“Sorry, sugarcube, but that’s what Ah need right now, so we don't get even further behind with the deliveries. Miz Harshwhinny and Mister Crystal Väs are taking care of the crowd, so there’s nothing for you to do. Now run along. Ah should have this crowd thinned out some by the time you get done, and then maybe you can help me with the second round of interviews.”

“Aw, all right.” Apple Bloom pouted, but she hopped down and began to trudge over to the barn. “But it’s so unfair!”

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?” Big Mac said. “Ah don’t like the thought of leaving you alone with all these studs.”

“Ah’ll be fine. I got my friends here and Miz Harshwhinny. Nothing’s going to happen. Besides, this can be your punishment for leaving so much of the work for me to do,” Applejack said with a sly grin. “If Ah need either of you, Ah’ll be sure to holler.”

“All right,” Big Mac said. “But you need to explain all of this later, too.”

“Ah will, don’t worry,” Applejack said, but then a thought came that made her smirk. “Y’know, Sugar Belle seems to be sick a lot in the mornin’, but improves as the day goes on. D’ya think it’s possible that there’s a specific reason for that?”

Big Mac tilted his head. “Whatdya mean?”

Applejack rolled her eyes. She loved her older brother, but he could be a bit thick sometimes, especially when it came to love. “Ah mean, has it occurred to you at all that Sugar Belle might be carrying a new apple for our family tree?”

“What? Naw,” Big Mac scoffed, then sat and tapped the tips of his hooves together. “She can’t be. She and Ah… well, we have been, of course, but… well, there’s… no, but… well, Ah suppose she could, since we ain’t been using… but she ain’t… um…”

“You might want to consider getting her in to see a doctor,” Applejack smugly said. “And if she is, we'll need to get to work on that extra bedroom for your house right soon, too.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac’s head dipped, and he glanced around sheepishly. “But don’t tell anypony, all right?”

“Ah won’t say a word to nopony.”

“Thanks. Ah’ll get an appointment set up soon as Ah get done sorting.”

“Sounds mighty fine to me. Good luck.”

“So, Big Macintosh finally decided to show up, did he?” Rarity asked Applejack as Big Mac moved towards the barn. “And just what were you two talking about?”

“Oh, just this and that,” Applejack replied while taking in a long breath, but then her gaze moved to a broad and well-toned black stallion near the front of the line, and she let out a long, low whistle. It was impossible to keep her eyes from drifting over his sleek and decadently chocolate brown coat, those taut muscles barely hidden beneath the surface, and his trim, sleek lines. Her heart began to race when his deep blue eyes slowly drifted over to meet hers, and she nickered despite herself when his thick and luxuriant black mane began to gently flow and cascade in the breeze. “Hoo-wee! Take a look at that tall drink of water! Now that’s a pony who could buck apples.”

“Perhaps,” Rarity said with an indifferent shrug. “But most likely not.”

This opinion confused the farmer, and she gave her friend a questioning glance. “Really? He looks mighty fine to me. In fact, he looks just like the feller who’s on the cover of most of those romance novels. Ah suppose Ah could go talk to him while we wait for the others to get back.”

“Oh, I’ve already had a brief conversation with him.” Rarity sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. “I’m afraid I used up his entire vocabulary while doing so.”

“Dumb as a post?” Applejack succinctly asked.

“I would not insult a post by comparing one to that cad,” Rarity replied. 

“Shame. Still, he’d look right nice out in the orchard, effortlessly buckin’ a whole tree with just one hoof, a thin glazin’ of delightful perspiration evenly spread across his withers and flanks…”

Rarity merely glared back with a look that spoke volumes, plus several sequels, about how romance novel models did not match up to expectations.

“So, what can I get for you two?” Mister Cake asked, licking the tip of a pencil and flipping to a blank page in his order book.

“I would positively love a light salad,” Rarity said. “Perhaps something with just a touch of balsamic vinaigrette, but none of that useless, froo-froo lettuce?”

“Your usual, then,” Mister Cake said while writing the order down. “And you?”

“Just surprise me,” Applejack said. “My day’s been going that way anyway.”

“Got it. I’ll bring those back just as soon as I can.”

“Hey, are you taking lunch orders?” A stallion called out. “Any chance you could bring me a daffodil sandwich?”

“Oo! I’d like some spring rolls, if you’ve got ‘em,” another pony called out.

“This might take a bit,” Mister Cake said to Applejack as he wrote the orders down. 

“Not a problem, Mister Cake. Ah’ll be here all day.”

Mister Cake nodded, then moved into the crowd to catch the orders that were flying at him at a rapid pace. Rarity sighed as she watched him move away, a wistful, almost jealous look on her face.

“Honest, pragmatic, compassionate, with good business sense—”

“And married,” added Applejack. “Ah have never been so envious of another mare in my life. Next!”

“Brambles?” Applejack let out a small whinny of alarm as the trespasser from earlier gingerly took a seat before her. “You’re still here?”

“I am,” Brambles said with a wry grin. “If I may, I’d like to have another chance, Miss Applejack. I think we got off on the wrong foot this morning.”

“You busted into my house,” she flatly stated.

“I did, but I did not know you were unaware of the advertisements that had been placed in the paper. If I had known that, I would have waited in line. I only broke in because I was trying to impress you and get ahead of the competition.”

A small twinge of confusion stung Applejack’s heart. “You were?”

He nodded. “Of course. A stallion needs to do whatever he can to stand out, I’ve learned.”

Applejack snorted. “Fine. I’ll give you another chance, but you’re on thin ice! Go wait by the barn.”

Brambles stood and nodded. “Thank you. I appreciate your generosity.”

“He broke into your house?” Twilight asked.

“Eeyup,” Applejack said. “Like he said, he was just trying to impress me. Next!”

A light grey pony then stepped forward, with clear teal eyes that caught Applejack’s attention as soon as they met hers. His mane was a messy mop of black that would never be tamed by brush or comb, and he gave his prospective bride a confused look as he approached.

“Name?” Harshwhinny asked.

“Huh? Oh! My name is Beetle,” he said softly, but then his head tilted slightly. “Forgive me for asking, but why are you doing this?”

“Huh?” Applejack said. “Whatdya mean?”

“Well, I mean, why are you doing all of these interviews now?” he clarified. “I can tell you’re exhausted and you’re clearly not very happy about all of this. Why didn’t you tell everypony to come back after you’d gotten some sleep?”

“Well, Ah gotta get rid of everypony. Can’t get any work done otherwise. Not much time for breaks around here,” she noted. "So, what's your story? Why'd you wanna get hitched?"

“To be honest, I’m not really interested in courting you,” Beetle said. “But I kinda have to, so here I am.”

Rarity made as if to respond, then tilted her head slightly and looked at the disheveled stallion as if she were considering just where to apply the clippers.

Harshwhinny, however, was obviously not pleased with her time being wasted. “Mister Beetle, if you’re not serious—”

“I am serious,” Beetle defended, but then he snorted. “All right, look. I don’t know the first thing about apple farms. I’d be a horrible choice, but if you did pick me, I’m willing to learn and to follow any orders you give me, no matter how difficult or unpleasant they might be. I won’t talk back, I won’t complain. But I also won’t lose any sleep if you reject me, either. I’ve got bigger problems.”

Applejack leaned back in her chair and chewed on the end of her pencil. Somehow, she could feel Beetle’s sincerity, and she appreciated his honest confession of his motives. He looked pretty lean, too, and with a bit of training, he’d probably be able to take care of most anything that needed to be done. There was a curious sort of tingle in her chest, and the feeling brought a small smile to her lips as it spread through her body. 

“Fair enough, Beetle. You’re in.”

Beetle tilted his head in confusion. “Wait, really? Why?”

Applejack nodded. “Why not? Go wait over by the barn, and for extra credit, you can help Apple Bloom and Big Mac sort apples.”

Beetle cocked one eyebrow. “Oooh-kay. I guess I’ll go help them out.”

“And the batter thickens!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed as Beetle walked away. “Looks like Applejack has a clear favorite!”

“Ah do not. Ah just want to get those apples taken care of. Who’s next?” Applejack asked, but then she leaned back in surprise. “Autumn Blaze? What are you doing here?”

The kirin before her chuckled. “I’m not Autumn Blaze,” the rich baritone of a male danced along the breeze and tenderly touched Applejack’s ears. “But she sends her greetings, and she wanted me to ask if she could stop by next week to visit.”

“Wait. You’re a guy?” Rainbow Dash asked while glancing over at Fluttershy. “That dude looks like a lady! No offense, dude.”

“None taken.” The kirin laughed again. "We male kirins got used to being confused for females a long time ago."

“All kirin look nearly alike,” Fluttershy explained with a soft smile. “They don’t have the eyelashes of mares, but other than coat and mane color, even we have difficulties picking out individuals. I’m certain it can be rather embarrassing at times,” Fluttershy admitted.

“Just ask Väs about the first time hemet a kirin,” Harshwinny added with a chuckle.   

“My name is Smoky Mountains,” the kirin added with a small bow. “Autumn Blaze is my twin sister. I hope this isn’t too unsettling for you?”

Unsettling wasn’t a strong enough word for what Applejack was feeling. “Twin?”

“Technically, I’m three minutes older,” Smoky said. “But we are fraternal twins, yes.”

“But… you look exactly…” Applejack shook the thoughts about identical fraternal twins from her head before they jammed the inner workings of her overstressed mind. “Okay. Twins. So, what brings you here?”

“A desire to find my soulmate,” Smoky said. “I’ve never felt any particular attraction to my fellow kirin, I’m sorry to say, but my heart was doing backflips in my chest when I first saw you in our village. Dependable, honest, hard-working, and not afraid to speak her mind? How could I resist such a marvelous mare? I wanted to talk to you, but sadly, you left before I could get my hooves on the silence antidote. I simply bemoaned my fate after that, but when I saw your ad, my whole world changed for the better. I know my appearance is unconventional by pony standards, but don’t judge this book by the cover. Please give me the chance to show you how much I care.”

Harshwhinny rang her bell. “Time’s up. Applejack?”

“Well, um…” she stammered. This was stickier than a batch of molasses, and for the first time that day, Applejack was unsure of the decision she should make. On the one hoof, Smoky Mountains seemed charming and sincere, but on the other hoof, he could pass himself off as his sister. The dichotomy between his voice and his looks was drastic enough to hurt her head, and she mumbled something while she tried to sort out what to do with him.

“Well?” Harshwhinny pressed. 

“Okay!” she proclaimed, and she snapped to a decision, for better or for worse. “You’re in! Just… just go wait over there.”

“Thank you,” Smoky said with a broad grin. “You won’t regret this, I promise.”

“Ah already am,” she muttered under her breath as he  sauntered away, and she began to rub the side of her head. “Maybe Ah could get him to pluck his eyelashes or somethin’.”

“Well, that was weird,” Rainbow Dash said. 

“Ugh,” Applejack grunted in agreement. “This kinda thing is why Ah never tried dating before now.”

“You know, the problem might be with how we’re playing the game,” Rainbow suggested.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, what if we’re not using the right set of rules, y’know?” Rainbow smirked. “Maybe you’re swinging for the other team, and that’s why you’re having such a hard time accepting that she’s really a he.”

Applejack sat there for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face. Then, without a word, she simply leaned over and kissed Rainbow Dash square on the lips. 

Rainbow let out a muffled squawk of indignation and surprise, but only for a brief second. After several long moments of apple-flavored smackeroo, however, Rainbow pulled back and gave her friend a confused look. 

“You know what? That was actually kinda… disappointing. Like, I didn’t enjoy that. At all.”

Applejack nodded. “Eeyup. Next!” 

“Okay, Ah’ll give you a shot,” Applejack said with a yawn. “You know where to go.”

“Thank you, Missus Applejack! You’ve made me so happy!”

“Ah bet so,” she mumbled before taking in a deeper yawn and rubbing her eyes. “We just about done yet?”

“Believe it or not, but that was the last applicant,” Väs said while walking up to the group. “We’re all done.”

“Just in time, too,” Twilight said. “It’s time for me to lower the sun.”

“Shoot, Ah thought we’d never see the end of all of them.” Applejack glanced over to the barn and took count of how many stallions had made the cut while Twilight pulled out her magical widget and took care of her duties. “So, we’re left with, what? Thirty ponies or so?”

“Thirty-two,” Ms. Harshwhinny replied. “You were quite efficient today, I must admit.”

“Yeah, but Ah don’t ever wanna do that again. So, Ah guess Ah just need to figure out which one to keep now, Ah suppose.”

“Indeed, but there is no obligation on your part,” Harshwhinny said. “Those thirty-two ponies over there may have caught your interest, but that does not mean that any of them will win your heart. Väs and I will be certain to inform them of this fact before we go.”

“Aw, you have to leave already?” Pinkie said with a pout. “But you just got here, and I didn’t get to throw you a welcome back party!”

“I wish we could stay, but I must get to Mustangia. They are one of the finalists for the upcoming Equestria Games, and I have to complete my inspection. However, if you would like, I might be able to return after I finish.”

“Naw, Ah’m sure Ah can get things sorted out from here,” Applejack said. “If something does come up, Ah’ll send you another letter.”

Harshwhinny nodded, and she grinned as Väs pecked her cheek. “We should get going," he said. "The last train out leaves in about twenty minutes.”

“Thanks again for all your help, Miz Harshwhinny.” Applejack doffed her hat and shook hooves. “Ah’d be in an awful pickle if you hadn’t come along.”

“Not a problem at all, Applejack. I wish you success in your search, and please let me know how things turn out. I’m curious to see if anypony catches your eye.”

“Ah sure will.”  

“I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to Ms. Harshwhinny being married,” Rainbow Dash said, but she chuckled with her friends when Väs playfully bumped her, and she returned the favor. “But, they are a cute couple, I guess.”

“Indeed,” Rarity added. “But now we must focus on Applejack and her own cute couple status!”

“Haven’t y’all interfered enough already?” Applejack moaned.

“Well, the odds are in your favor,” Twilight said while floating over several sheets of paper filled with her usual tight and tiny hen scratches. “I’ve correlated the data, evaluated the trends, adjusted the calculations to eliminate bias, and extrapolated the information to your potential paramours.”

Applejack blinked. “Say what now?”

“Using the information I’ve collected, I can tell you who you’re most compatible with,” Twilight said with a slight roll of her eyes. “According to my research, you go from a seventy-eight percent compatibility rating with Beetle down to a negative three percent compatibility with Caramel.”

“How in Equestria did you figure out… never mind,” Applejack said. “If Ah finish that question, you’ll drag your fancy mathematics into this and make everything even more muddled.” 

“Statistics never lie,” Twilight said with a bit of a defensive edge in her voice, but then she smiled. “But don’t worry. I’ve made arrangements to stay in Ponyville tonight, and I’ll walk you through all of the data tomorrow, so you can make the best decision possible.”

“Ah do greatly appreciate that, but are you sure you don’t need to get back to Canterlot?” Applejack asked, and Twilight scoffed.

“I’m sure. The only thing I had for tomorrow was a bunch of boring meetings. Budgetary analysis, infrastructure reports, tax reform, blah blah blah.”

“Um, that actually sounds like it’s really important,” Fluttershy interjected.

“Trust me, it’s not. At least, it's not as important as finding one of my best friends a special somepony!” Twilight cheerfully pulled Applejack into a hug. “So! When do you want me to come over tomorrow?”

“Yes, when should we come over and bring you breakfast for a change?” Rarity added. “We did put you in this predicament, after all, so it’s only fair that we should assist you to the end of it.”

“You just wanna keep playing matchmaker,” Applejack noted with a huff, and she glanced at the barn. “Let’s say eight. That’ll give me some time to take care of my chores and such. Guess Ah need to find a place to put up them studs for the night, too.”

“Leave that to me,” Twilight said. “There’s more than enough room in the Castle of Friendship, and I’m sure Starlight won’t mind.”

“Sounds fine to me. Ah’ll see you all in the mornin’, then.” 

Applejack shared smiles and hugs with her friends before they each left for their own accommodations, but once they were out of earshot, she let out a long breath. Despite all of the surprises and consternations that had come with the day, she actually felt rather good about everything, and she even dared to think that maybe, just maybe, she was going to meet her special somepony. 

It wasn’t a conventional way to find your future husband, sure, but her parents had an unconventional courtship too, and everything had worked out for them, with a little bit of work and a lot of love.

“At the very least, things should settle down now,” Applejack said as she moved to check on Big Mac and Apple Bloom. “Ah don’t know how things could get any worse.”