“Uh, why are you two still looking at me like that?” Archard asked as he tilted his head, noticing the nervous looks on Lyra and Twilight’s faces. “I don’t have something in my teeth, do I?” he asked, using a fingernail to scratch at a non-existent piece of spinach on his front tooth. As he did so, his stomach grumbled, getting the two ponies to take another step back.
“We were just, umm…” Twilight trailed off, trying to think of an excuse. She looked around the room nervously as she tried to come up with something.
“Think, Twilight. Magic doesn’t work on it, it’s a dangerous creature, and it’s hungry. What do we do….?”
“Man, I could really use something to eat right about now… I wonder what a hay burger tastes like… I know you just met me, but do you have anything to eat?”
She instinctively brought up a forcefield between the two of them and Archard at that, continuing, “Uh, no. But, um, we, uh… just wanted to show you something! It’s, um, it’s down in my lab. You should, uh… follow us! But not too closely, please. And please don’t touch anything.”
“God, even when you look nervous, you two are cute as hell. I just wanna pet you and snuggle you until I die. I bet your fur is really soft… Oh! You should let me pet you! All the fanfictions I read say ponies like to be petted, and I know that horses in real life like to get petted, too.”
“Please don’t touch us,” the purple mare responded quickly, before backtracking. “I mean, um, maybe… maybe you can pet us later! But first you have to come down to my lab. Don’t you wanna see what’s down there?”
“Hmmmm… I do… but it’d be cooler to see Ponyville! I wanna go out there and pet everypony until they die from my petting.”
“No!” Lyra and Twilight both shouted at the same time, suddenly enough to make him jump back in surprise. “I mean, uh… m-maybe you can see them later!” Twilight told him nervously, giving an anxious smile. “But let’s go to my lab first, please. I would really, really like it if you went down there with me.” She lit up her horn to try to grab at him again, straining as she tried to make her magic make contact with his skin and frowning as it refused to do so.
“Well, I guess seeing your lab would be fun. Oh! You should give me a tour of the library! After all, we don’t know how much longer it’ll be around, seeing as you got your wings and all.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Twilight asked, fearing the answer.
“Oh, I just mean that it won’t be here,” he explained. “At the end of season four, Tirek destroys it while you fight him, and then you go to live in a castle. Honestly, your fight with him was pretty badass, especially in the Them Bones pmv. It’s really cool. Where is my phone so I can show you…?”
“That’s not a good sign, Twilight,” Lyra explained. “It’s probably psychic, and that’s how it knows that your library is going to be destroyed.”
“It can’t know that! Nopony, nocreature, can predict the future with certainty!”
“Yeah, I’m not psychic!” Archard agreed. “Well, I mean, I guess I am from your perspective, but still. I only know because I saw it happen. I guess from your perspective I’m from the future. I think anyway. Maybe. Time is kind of weird.”
“When is that going to happen?” the mare asked, getting more worked up as something else was unloaded onto her. “Who is Tirek? What are they going to do? How are we going to stop him?”
“I don’t know cause I don’t know what episode it is right now, Tirek is a centaur, he’s going to try and steal everypony’s magic, and you’ll defeat him with the power of friendship, of course!” Archard answered happily. Then his stomach grumbled again, and he asked, “Really, do you have anything to eat? I’m kinda hungry, and haven’t had anything since… well, I don’t know how long I was in that void, but a few hours at least.”
“No,” the princess told him with authority. “You need to come with me to my lab so I can study you. Now let’s go.”
“Okay,” he shrugged nonchalantly, still smiling as he said, “Wow, this is amazing!”
“Oh, I hope my friends get here soon,” Twilight thought anxiously, making sure to keep her head slightly turned to keep an eye on him.
“Am I doing it right?” Spike asked as he put a hand on his hip while he tried on a suit and bowtie, complete with a little tophat. “This feels kind of silly.”
“Oh, you look absolutely fabulous, darling,” Rarity giggled as she inspected him. “Now be sure to hold that pose for me.”
“Sure thing, Rarity,” Spike answered obediently, staying motionless as Rarity used her magic to draw in a sketchbook. “What are you drawing?”
“Oh, I’m just touching up on a few designs I’ve been working on, dear,” Rarity explained. “Seeing an outfit on somepony helps me find what can be improved. Speaking of which, I do think it’s about time to touch up on our Gala dresses. I’m sure Twilight’s dress especially could use some improvements. You’ll be able to help me with that, too, right Spike?”
The dragon blushed and opened his mouth to speak before a moment of realization came to him. The mention of Twilight brought Spike back to Equestria, and he broke his pose as he remembered what he was supposed to be doing.
“Rarity! Twilight needs your help!”
“Of course she does, darling,” the unicorn responded without looking up. “I hardly think she’d be able to design a dress without my help. It would be quite… functional would be the polite word.”
“No, Twilight actually needs your help!” he explained. “There’s this thing she and Lyra Heartstrings saw, a hoo-man. Twilight was reading a book about it, and I think those two used a spell or something to bring one into the library! And it had sharp teeth and was really tall and wore weird clothes and knew who we were and- and- and they said they need your help!”
“Well, why didn’t you say so sooner, Spike?” Rarity asked. “If my friends need me, I’ll be there in a- wait, did you say weird clothes?”
“Yeah, it looked really weird and had weird clothes… it was wearing a pointy hat on its head, and a robe too, like Twilight’s Star Swirl costume, I think. I thought it looked kind of wet, too, and a little bit dirty.”
“Well, if it looks anything like Twilight’s Nightmare Night costume, then we simply must rush over there this instant! We have to stop a fashion crime from taking place!”
“But remember also that Twilight said it was really dang-”
“No time, Spike!” she replied as she quickly gathered some fabric with her magic. “You gather the others while I head down to Twilight’s library so I can face that creature head on! I can’t in good faith leave anypony to suffer wearing such a tacky costume!" With that, she ran off, out of the boutique, before quickly trotting back and flipping her sign to CLOSED, heading back off after that.
“She’s such a brave mare,” Spike thought, lovestruck before shaking his head clear. “Need to get the others. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie should be helping Applejack on the farm, and Fluttershy will be in her cottage…”
He knew the way to both those places, and knew that both those places were past the opposite ends of the town. He grumbled to himself because of it. Why couldn’t ponies just live closer together? He didn’t even have magic or wings or anything, only his legs to carry him where he needed to go. It annoyed him that he would have to travel so far because Twilight and Lyra decided to summon some creature.
“She’s lucky I care about her,” Spike thought to himself as he took off running again, bumping into more ponies, a few of the same ones he already ran into.
“I’m sorry!” he apologized as he ran, changing from a sprint to a jog the farther he went, quickly running out of breath as he moved along. He knew he wasn’t in the best shape as he ran, but he didn’t think he was this bad off.
He was inhaling quick, heavy breaths as he finally stopped running when he made it to the cottage a few minutes later, putting a hand on the walls of the home as he gasped for breath.
“Man, I really need to work out,” he thought to himself as he closed his eyes, almost wheezing. “Why does Twilight do this to me? She could have had me watch the hoo-man with Lyra… it didn’t seem that dangerous to me, and it looked scared of chickens. It wouldn’t be that bad.”
“Spike!” Fluttershy called out as the dragon made his way up to the door, stopping him before he could knock. “It’s so nice to see you again. It’s been a little while… are you okay? You don’t look well.”
“I… I… I’m fine… just… give me a minute…” he got out breathlessly, putting a hand on his knee. Fluttershy stepped back to give him room to breathe, Spike continuing after a minute, “I ran… I ran… all the way here… to tell you…”
“Oh, you look completely worn out,” Fluttershy said sympathetically as she lifted him into her hooves. “Why don’t you let me make you some tea?”
“Tea would… be great… but I need…”
“Oh, hush now, Spike, you don’t say another word,” the pegasus interrupted. “I know you need time to rest and catch your breath. Come here.” With that, she lifted him into her wings and brought him into the cottage, laying him down on his back on a sofa.
“You just get some rest now, Spike. I’ll go make some tea and be back when it’s ready, okay?” The yellow pegasus didn’t wait for an answer as she went into her kitchen to make the drink.
“A minute to rest won’t be too bad,” he thought as he closed his eyes, planning to open them again in a little while.
“Wow, your library is much smaller than I thought it was,” Archard commented as he was led through it. “It’s, like, smaller than my apartment. It’s tiny! Or maybe I’m just big and… no, it’s small.”
“Well, um, technically, it’s not my library,” Twilight explained, unable to resist the urge to educate him despite her fear. “It belongs to the town of Ponyville. I’m just being lent it. My home is in Canterlot.”
“Hmmmm, that’s interesting,” he commented. “Well, it’s still tiny. I wish I could take a picture, but I’m almost certain Troy and Mike have my phone… I wonder what they’re thinking. I bet they wish they could be here. I am so gonna brag about this to them. Like, all the time, every chance I get.”
“Can humans really destroy entire forests in the blink of an eye?” Lyra piped up, still a bit nervous, but more curious and less scared because of Archard’s happy demeanor.
“Yup,” he responded. “Well, maybe not in the blink of an eye, but a few days, I think. Well, not me personally. It would take me alone forever to do. But if you got a bunch of us and a few machines it could be done. Unless you had a nuke...”
“That’s really interesting…” Lyra said as she kept mental notes, walking backwards and hitting her flank into a wall. “Ow! Uhh… what is a nuke?”
“It’s a big bomb filled with radiation that can basically destroy a whole city,” he explained, causing Twilight's eye to twitch as she stopped her walk. “Don’t worry,” he told her casually, waving his hand to indicate his lack of concern. “Equestria has nothing like that as far as I know, and I certainly don’t know how to make a nuclear bomb. If I did, my life would be very different right about now. I’d be very rich for one thing.”
“Oh, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad,” Twilight thought frantically as she forced herself to lead him down the steps and into the basement of the library. “Why did we have to bring him here? This was a horrible, horrible idea.” She looked over to Lyra briefly, and noticed that she seemed to believe what it said, smiling as she walked backwards and asked more questions. “Well, I guess she seems to think it’s safe enough, or at least she trusts what it’s saying… hopefully that’s a good thing. Although it could be lying… oh, this was a terrible idea…”
She did think it was weird that it spoke Ponish, but there were a whole lot of weird things about it so far, like how incredibly, incredibly tall it was and how it knew who they were and why it was afraid of chickens… well, maybe not afraid, but it clearly didn't like them. Speaking of which…
“Lyra, can you go back and get the chicken?” Twilight asked. “I’ll lead him down while you bring it with us.”
“Awww, I don’t see why that thing has to come with us,” Archard complained, crossing his arms. “It was mean to me…”
“You wouldn’t do anything to hurt us, would you… what’s your name?” Lyra asked as she used her magic to levitate the chicken over to them.
“Archard. Archard Otieno, from a great line of Otienos, let me tell you. And nope, I would never do anything to hurt you. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my ey- ow! That hurts…”
“Well, at least it Pinkie promised, although I’m not sure how it knows that that’s… do Pinkie promises even apply to other creatures? I hope they do…”
“Has the thing with the Everfree forest happened yet? With the black plants and stuff and the seeds?”
“Uh, what?”
“Okay, so that’s a no,” Archard continued. “So then this is definitely just after the season three finale and before the season four premiere, which is helpful. Also, you probably still don’t know how to use your wings correctly.”
“I know how to use my wings!” the mare said defensively, flapping them a bit embarrassedly. “Let’s just… let’s just keep going, please. And don’t touch anything.”
“You already said that,” the human replied as they continued, waiting a moment before continuing, “You know, from your expressions, I would almost say you’re afraid of me. But that doesn’t make sense, because why would you be afraid of me? I’m not a scary person. My mom thinks I’m awesome!”
“I’m sure she does,” Twilight thought sarcastically to herself, rolling her eyes as they started to descend down the steps into the basement of the library, where her lab was set up.
It looked like a stereotypical laboratory setup, like something out of a TV show in his opinion. There were different colored liquids filled into beakers and test tubes set up for what the human could only assume to be different experiments, as well as microscopes sitting on a desk and many more books, almost as many as were in the main part of the library itself. There was an eyewash station and a few sinks and, most notably, a large table set up with many interesting sharp tools next to it that looked to be for experimenting on ponies. Or people he guessed, seeing as it was definitely big enough for him to lay down on.
“Okay, uh, Arching, get on,” Twilight said, trying once again to grab him with his magic and failing.
“It’s Archard, and I have to admit, this looks… a bit extreme, I have to say. You’re not Orochimaru, are you? Experimenting on ponies to try and learn every magic spell possible? Cause honestly, I don’t think I’d put it past you, especially since it’s still early in the series at this point.”
“What? No! These tools are for dissecting wild plants and cutting open packages that I get. Why would you think I would do something like that?”
“I don’t know. You’re kind of crazy sometimes. I mean, there was that time you hypnotized the whole town into liking Smarty Pants because you thought Celestia would send you back to magic kindergarten if you didn’t turn in a friendship lesson, so…”
“That- that was d-different!” she stammered angrily, stomping a hoof as the fur near her cheeks started to turn bright red. “And no, I would never do anything like that! I wouldn’t ever hurt any creature, not even a fly!”
“I mean, I’m sure you’ve hurt a fly at some point in your life, and you did kill Sombra without a second thought, but…. I think I see what you’re saying. I’ll trust you. Where do I lay down at?”
“Hold it! Hold everything!” someone, Rarity, demanded, as she quickly descended the steps into the lab, ignoring Twilight, Lyra, and the chicken in Lyra’s magical grasp as she marched up to Archard and inspected him carefully.
“Oh, hi Rari-”
“Not now, dear,” she interrupted, shutting him down as she looked him over, walking around in a circle and inspecting every inch of him. Twilight and Lyra were both dead silent as she did so, not knowing what they should say about the situation. Archard himself stood happily as the mare circled, taking him in for a long minute before speaking again.
“Yup, just as I expected. This outfit is incredibly tacky, not even in season. The stitching is poor and the stars are misaligned, and I mean, who outside of Twilight would even consider wearing a Star Swirl the Bearded outfit? I must say, this costume is simply dreadful.”
“Hey! Star Swirl isn’t that bad!” the alicorn protested. “And get away from him! That’s a dangerous creature! It said it could destroy the whole town!”
“Well, it certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous creature that could destroy the town; it looks like a creature much in need of a fashionista to design an outfit change for it. I mean, whoever designed this thing did a horrendous job.”
“Hey!” It was now Archard’s turn to protest, looking down at the outfit he put together. He had to admit, it was a bit raggedy looking after so many outings he’d spent in it, but still. He spent weeks stitching it himself!
“I mean, it’s not that bad… I don’t think so anyway. Sure, it could be touched up here and there, but…”
“Darling, it’s positively awful. But not to worry! Rarity is here now to make it all better! We’ll get you into something stylish, something you can wear with pride!” She said it, then looked him up and down and continued, “Although it might take me a bit to figure out what it should be, given your… unique figure…”
“Shit! I don’t have any other clothes with me!” he suddenly realized. “Do you think you could design me a pair of pants? And underwear? Actually, a few pairs probably. It's gonna get pretty icky if I’m not able to change every day.”
“Pants… not something I’ve seen very many ponies wear, and with how you’re built… it would be a challenge, but a challenge I shall accept! We’ll just need to find a color that suits your coat color! Errr… uh, skin color. It’s quite unique, almost a sort of pinkish-beige color I would say. Not something I see very often, but never fear! Rarity is here!”
“We don’t have time for this, Rarity!” Twilight told her. “That thing is dangerous! We need to… where are the rest of our friends?”
“I believe they’re being summoned here by Spike. Quite sorry for the delay. I was having Spike try on a few outfits before he told me what was happening.”
“Delay? What delay?”
“Oh it was only a little while, maybe five minutes or so. Still, I’m sorry I didn’t rush here sooner, otherwise I might have been able to get that horrid thing off of him before you dragged him down here.”
“Never mind that! Help Lyra and I get him restrained!”
“Uhhh…” Archard trailed off as Twilight and Lyra approached slowly, Rarity using her magic to try and tug his cape and hat off.
“My magic doesn’t seem to be taking to him, Twilight.”
“I don’t know why, but mine isn’t doing anything either. It seems like it resists him. We were going to just use our hooves, but keep in mind that that thing is dangerous.”
“I’ll keep in mind that he’s dangerously unfashionable,” the white mare replied before she moved up to tug on his outfit, completely unconcerned. One hoof was working on his cape and cloak while the other had wormed its way to his hand, causing him to inhale in surprise.
“Whoa! You’re really soft!” he told her. “Like, really, really soft, like a marshmallow!”
She stopped moving as she felt his hands rubbing the fur on her leg, frowning as she told him, “Why I say! That’s an awfully rude thing to tell somepony who’s trying to help you. I should just, whoa! Oh my…”
“Rarity? What’s going on? What are you doing to her, Arching? What’s happening, Lyra?”
“Hmmm, I don’t know…” she trailed off, frowning a bit as she observed the scene. “I knew humans hands were powerful, but I’m not sure just how powerful they are. Maybe he’s trying to subdue her?”
“Get away from her, Arching!” Twilight demanded, stomping a hoof as she took a step in his direction.
“She’s so soft!” Archard smiled as his hands worked their way up to the mare’s neck and face, scratching her happily, her hind hoof thumping a bit in pleasure. “I have to scratch her! I can’t help it!”
‘Oh, those hands of yours feel divine, even better than Spikey’s…” she said, sighing in contentment and craning her neck a bit. “Don’t tell him I said that though…”
“Get away from Rarity!” Lyra told him. “Humans are very dangerous! He could hurt you!”
“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t… this just simply feels too good…”
“Get your claws off of her!” Twilight demanded as Archard continued, closing his eyes as he petted and scratched the unicorn, able to feel and hear Rarity start to purr.
“But it’s so soft…” he responded, almost as happy petting her as Rarity was being petted.
Twilight frowned nervously, afraid of what he might do, and, aiming her horn so that she didn’t hit her friend, sent a beam of magic his way, watching as it hit him and caused him to fall to the floor.
“Oh god!” he got out, his eyes shut tightly now. “Oh god! Hahahahaha! Oh god, that tickles! Make it- hahahahaha! Make it stop! Ahahahaha!”
“Mmmm- huh? Why ever did you make him stop?” Rarity complained, putting on a pouty face. “He was doing such a good job…”
“He’s dangerous, Rarity,” Twilight spoke with authority. “Lyra’s book has a hundred things in it saying what he could do. He said he eats cows! What would Applejack think if we let him loose?”
Rarity’s face changed from a pout to a grimace at that news, responding, “Well, when you put it like that… besides, I brought material here to get him a new outfit. We might as well get started on that…” She reached her hooves down again to pick him up, and flinched back and cried out as she was shocked by electricity, the human still laughing.
“Ow! It shocked me!” she got out, giving a little shiver as the electricity traveled through her. “What in Equestria did you do to him, Twilight?”
“It wasn’t that strong of a blast I shot at him,” she explained as she reached down herself to pick up the creature, Arcahrd rolled over on his stomach and kicking his feet as the tickling slowly started to die down. “It should’ve just been enough to knock him away from- ow! What the hay?”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! It’s just-” he got out breathlessly, still laughing hard. “It tickles so much, it’s making my stomach hurt!”
“Oh, ow… ah!” Twilight grunted painfully, trying to lift him up for a few seconds before giving up because of the shocks. “Ugh, note to self: magic that can touch him tickles him and turns into electricity for us.”
“That’s very interesting!” Lyra commented. “There’s so much stuff to learn from it! I think I could write a follow-up book if I have enough material! And now that we know humans are real, hundreds of ponies will buy it!”
“Whatever, let’s just get him on the table, okay?” Twilight said, rolling her eyes and placing her hooves on him again. "Ow!"