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// Chapter 82: Teacher and Student 
// Story: Pandemic: Starting Over 
// by Halira 
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Heller and his unicorns had to chase Luna and me down since Luna, in her enthusiasm, had skipped over explaining how to do the spell. So I was given a brief reprieve so they could get their magic lesson. 

Once it was done, Luna was a little calmer and thankfully willing to let me walk on my own. We made our way over to the front of the house and sat down next to the Middletons' car to chat. 

"Kindness is the path you wish to follow?" Luna asked after I told her the abridged version of my letter. "And you say you lack the natural inclination towards that, and it worries you?"

I nodded as I watched some workers looking over the dried-up fountain closest to the house. "I have done some cruel things in the past, and I can sometimes have a severe temper with rage issues. I don't always think the nicest things about other people."

Luna nodded. "I can understand why you might think you are unsuited for this element. However, I want to point out that all of Twilight's friends struggle with their elements at times. If you wish to compare yourself with Fluttershy, you would be mistaken to think she never thinks an unkind thought. She thinks unkind things about others with shocking frequency, even about her friends. She rarely voices such things, and the slips where she says them are infrequent and quiet that most ponies don't notice, but if everypony could read her mind, I think her reputation would be ruined."

"So how does she manage to be the Element of Kindness?" I asked. 

"Fluttershy is kind. Her kindness comes from patience and putting aside her first inclinations in favor of being concerned about others," Luna replied. "Fluttershy understands her anger, resentments, and general snideness are often unfair, and even when they may be fair, they can be unproductive and hurtful. As a filly, she was teased and picked on frequently, and with some weaker souls, this may have hardened her heart. However, some foals took the time to be kind to her when she felt at her worst, and this is how she first came to understand friendship. She learned she didn't want to be another cruel pony like the ones that tormented her; she wanted to be kind."

"She still seems well suited for it," I said in a sad tone. "I don't feel suited to be kind at all."

Luna nodded. "Applejack, if you were to go with what she is naturally inclined towards, might be mistaken for the Element of Loyalty. She had events in her past that pushed her to embracing honesty, but I would still say she is more naturally loyal than honest. Aside from Pinkie Pie, none of the bearers are naturally suited to their element, but each strives to be something, and that is what they come to represent. If you strive to be kind, you may find that is how others will come to define you. What makes being kind important to you?"

I got up and started pacing. "It's a few things. One is that I just want to make up for my mistakes. I've made a lot of them, and my prejudices are at the heart of them, at least I think so."

"Your prejudices always did hold you back from all you could be," Luna agreed as she watched me. She then stood and walked over to me. "I noted this very early on. I saw an extremely capable mare, but one that was always looking for someone to hate, even if that hatred was a sign of the hate you had for yourself. You are making great strides in overcoming your self-hate and your hate for others, but there is still work to be done."

"There's so much harm I have caused that I want to undo," I said as I just picked a direction and started walking. Now headed down the dirt road that led down to the gate. "I've started. I think I helped Bursa. I didn't know about her at first, but I managed to help. I want to help Wild next, but there are so many things I don't know how to undo."

Luna walked with me and gave me a sad look. "Thinking you can fix everything can only lead you to sorrow. There are things you can't fix. You can only strive not to repeat the same mistakes and show remorse for what you have done. Wild Growth, what do you mean to do by fixing her?"

"She's in constant pain," I mumbled as I let my hooves drag slightly, stirring up some dust. "I want to find a way to make the pain go away, maybe even find a way to undo her burnout. I know they say that can't be done, but I'm ultimately responsible. She even miscarried her foal because she had to do so much to keep my mess under control. I've taken everything from her."

"Miss Growth seems to have a great deal of wealth for a pony who has lost everything," Luna said sagely. "But I understand your meaning. Unfortunately, I must advise against meddling with Wild Growth's condition, that can only lead to more sorrow. Miss Growth can make her condition that causes her pain go away at any point she wishes. I am not sure she realizes this herself or if she has mentally blocked it out. She must know it on some level."

"Wait." I stopped in my tracks and looked at Luna in shock. "You mean to tell me you all know how to fix her, and you aren't doing it?"

Luna looked around us. There weren't any workers close by. "I mean that Wild Growth has the power to bring an end to her pain and is the only one who has that power. I also mean that to do that, she would have to do something… highly inadvisable, something I don't believe she would willingly choose to do. Whether it is because she believes herself unworthy, because she fears what it may bring, or because she feels the need for some penance of her own. It is most likely a combination of all these things. I tell you this in confidence, keep such secrets safe."

"I'm not exactly sure what secret we are discussing," I replied. 

Luna sighed. "Wild Growth reached a certain plateau. Once such a thing is done, it is not able to be undone. However, instead of climbing this plateau and standing upon it, she climbed it and has chosen to hang on the edge of the top, not able to go back down and not willing to go forward. She did burn herself out of what was there before, but something new was conceived in her the day of the Cataclysm, and it cannot be put back. It is held in a constant state of wanting to be born but never finishing. It may remain this way for the rest of her days unless she chooses to let it finish."

It finally dawned on me what she was speaking about. "Oh… shit. She did it."

"Her title of the almost alicorn is shockingly accurate," Luna confirmed. "Leave it be, my student. If and when she feels like it, she can drop the almost. That may never come. It is ultimately her choice and her choice alone, regardless of the repercussions the rest of the world may face."

I shook my head. "Starlight said she and Twilight had never seen anything like it. Why did she lie to me?"

"She didn't lie," Luna corrected. "She has indeed never seen anything like it. How many ponies do you think reach such a point and then just sit forever on the edge? She also has tried to develop ways to dull Wild Growth's pain, but she and Twilight understand the source of that pain. I would doubt they would ever claim not to, even if they could be misleading about the matter."

I looked forward as we kept walking. "You shouldn't be telling me this. It is up there with the information Twilight shared with me. It is information ponies are willing to die to obtain."

"And would you have me keep you in the dark and have you unknowingly unleash something on this world that it is not prepared for?" Luna asked. "You seem committed to aiding Wild Growth with her problem, and you are no common mage. It is best you knew what you were meddling with before you try. I would be as much at fault as you if you accidentally forced her ascension, and I did nothing to warn you. I trust you will try to help her with the pain because kindness is what you wish to be your guide. Now that you know the truth, you can be more careful in how you proceed."

I nodded as we continued walking. That was all true enough. 

"You mentioned you have other reasons for wanting kindness to be your guide," Luna prompted, moving us away from the dangerous subject. 

I let myself smile. "I don't think it takes much guessing to determine what those ones are. It's the foals. They need kindness after everything they have gone through. I am doing everything I can to try to make things better." I let my smile slip. "I know I can't fix everything. No matter what I do, Yinyu is still dead. The more I deal with my wife, the more I am coming to appreciate exactly what that means. Yinyu might still be there, but I feel that as time passes, that thing in the dream will be less and less the mother they knew. It's her… but it's not her at the same time."

Luna gave a glum nod. "That's as accurate a way of saying it as I have heard. Ponies talk about how much is added by becoming a Dreamwarden, but we often fail to appreciate how much living in the world is part of who we are, and when you remove us from the world, how much of ourselves is lost. I have already noted the changes in Yinyu over this little time that has passed since her death. I never knew your wife very well before her death, but I have noticed the increasing changes in Arbiter as well over the past year. I see an increasing amount of Kir'ta in your wife, at least, Kir'ta before the apathy did her in. Kir'ta was my predecessor, and in ages long past, she was the firm guide of many civilizations."

"I take it that it never worked out," I muttered. 

"Oh, it did… for a time. Kir'ta never could hold back disease, or natural disasters, or any other number of things that can destroy a species, but she helped make them successful for as long as it lasted. Each failure beyond her control wore more and more on her, and she eventually stopped caring. It had been ages since she last bothered with the world when I demanded she surrender the mantle of Dreamwarden to me. I only discovered her existence from inscriptions on ancient ruins. The younger Kir'ta's words seem to echo in Arbiter. Kir'ta had a title in many of those civilizations, the Servant Queen."

"Sounds like Tonya now, alright," I said with a shake of my head. 

Luna looked down at me as we walked. "My understanding of Tonya was that she was always an influencer. An influencer with the best intentions, but one that could not help but whisper advice into ponies' ears. She is said to have influenced you on numerous occasions. Is it any shock that she would have such traits reinforced by the memories of Kir'ta, who also lived to influence and guide with the best intentions? To use one of the expressions I learned from Earth, they are birds of a feather. Arbiter is bound by more rules than Kir'ta, but that does not dampen her goals."

I had a passing thought as I remembered Sarah's presentation. "Was Kir'ta human?"

Luna shrugged. "She certainly didn't look like any human on this planet, but she did bear a strong resemblance to pictures of early human ancestors that I have been shown. She had more pronounced claws than any picture I have seen, and her stature was more like modern humans than the prehistoric ones, but you could say she was very ape-like in appearance. I care not to say if her people were some lost branch of humans. If such a migration happened, it was long before her time, and her species had become as different from that ancestor as we are from the unintelligent proto-ponies she hunted for food. She wouldn't have known, so I don't know either."

We had to both step out of the way as Heller's car came speeding down the path. They came to a screeching halt beside us and rolled down the window.

Heller quickly stuck his head out. "We will be in touch, but right now, we have to hurry to a different location. Expect some unicorn agents to be coming back to continue examining the areas for clues. Some more ponies were just reported missing, taken early this morning. The office just got confirmation from Ghadab."

My ears sagged. "I hope you find some clues to lead to where they are being held."

Heller looked at Luna. "We recommend you return to Equestria as soon as possible, Princess Luna, for your protection. One possible suspect is known to have magic that becomes increasingly dangerous the higher the PREQUES rating of the victim she assaults with just a touch. This makes you the most vulnerable person to her abilities on the planet. If they discover you have links to Sunset Blessing, you may be targeted."

Luna's mouth made a flat line. "I will take your advice under consideration. I, too, wish you good fortune in your hunt."

The car window rolled up, and they sped off. 

"This situation seems most perilous and while I wish to remain and help resolve this crisis, I must accept that my presence will be a hindrance. My sister has often taken a hooves off approach to helping with Twilight Sparkle and her friends even in the most dire of circumstances. I wished to not be so aloof so I am loath to leave, however I trust in your ability and those around you to handle this crisis," Luna said in a grave tone. "When you next feel safe to do so, write to me as I look forward to receiving your correspondence. I know you shall do everything you can to keep those around you safe. Keep yourself safe as well. I hope these cowardly rogues are brought swiftly to justice."

I nodded. There could be no disagreement on that. Luna was in danger just from a touch by Fain and there was no way her involvement wouldn’t attract even more attention and danger. "Thank you for coming and the help you provided. I know I can't expect you to always drop everything and come running to speak to me. Thank you as well for listening to my concerns about Tonya and being kind."

Luna's expression softened. "And do not fear. Arbiter and Yinyu are still themselves at their core, and I know that they will not cease to love and care about those closest to them. I know the changes can be off-putting, but I detect no malice in Arbiter at this time. I do not believe she would ever knowingly do anyone harm or force her will upon others. She has had her fill of bad experiences with that, and those experiences shaped her even more than the memories of Dreamwardens long gone."

"I'll keep that in mind," I said with slight relief. "As long as she is still my wife, I can deal with it."

Luna frowned and looked down as if considering her next words carefully. "I know this is a delicate subject, but I should advise you that it is not wrong for you to seek other companionship. I have heard the wedding vows that are said in this nation, and they say to death do us part. She will continue to love you, and you her, but she cannot fill a spousal or carnal role in your life any longer." She held up a wing to cut off my objection. "I don't advise running to find some other to fill that role, but only that you be open to the idea. Being married to one who is incapable of growing with you in a relationship is not a kind thing to do to yourself. Arbiter wants you happy, and she would not have you deny yourself something just because she is unable to provide it."

I struggled not to look angry. "I'll keep that under advisement."

Luna gave a worried frown and then sighed. "I see I have upset you, and I am sorry for that. I am your teacher, and I hope you consider me a friend as well, but I am not your liege. I can only offer guidance which you may take or reject. I understand your situation is a unique one that is difficult for any, even me, to appreciate the emotional challenges involved. I shall avoid discussing that matter unless you tell me that you wish my advice on it. My apologies."

I was still angry, but she did give an apology, and she meant well. I didn't want to snap at her. I still took a few calming before replying. 

"It's okay, and I appreciate your concern," I replied. "I don't want to disappoint you or seem ungrateful for the advice, but I just don't see things between Tonya and me that way. I'll try to work through my feelings about Tonya on my own."

Luna nodded. "As you wish. I must now depart. Keep safe, Sunset Blessing. Remember, being kind can be work, but you have it in you to be up to the task."

I smiled. "Thank you."

Luna lit her horn and vanished in a brief flash of light. I sighed as I turned and began walking back towards the house.