"Sir! Court convenes in two minutes!"
Swift looked up from his desk and nodded curtly at the anxious clerk, who quickly vanished from view. Rising, he put away his quill and donned his robes with an almost sacred reverence. A quick brush of his hoof over his just barely unruly chestnut mane and he was presentable to go do his job.
He entered the courtroom on cue, and ascended to the bench, taking his seat solemnly and shuffling his papers impressively, not even taking note of the accused waiting at the defendant table.
"What is next on the docket?"
"The Case of Ponyville vs. Pinkamena Diane Pie!"
Swift's head shot up and he took a good look at the defendant, eyebrows raising in surprise.
"Detective Pie?!"
"I am just Pinkie right now." She returned mournfully. "I'm suspended from duty until this is all cleared up."
Swift blinked his eyes rapidly, not even bothering to ask who had suspended her when she was literally Ponyville's only actual official commanding law officer, and by extension her own superior officer, then looked down at the papers he had been rustling about. He studied them intently.
"Charged with the untimely demise of an entire batch of baked goods and the disappearance of another, all of which were spoken for for a party." He frowned.
Collective gasps rang out at this announcement and multiple pairs of eyes settled on Pinkie, holding looks of either disdain, disbelief, or brutal disappointment. Pinkie deflated a little.
"Detec- er, Miss Pie, how do you plead?"
"Not guilty!" Dusty yelled from beside her.
"I see. Very well. And who was the...arresting officer in this case?"
Cloudy stood, a smug expression on his face.
"The prosecution has this criminal dead to rights, your honourable judge. We call Rookie Detective Gummy to the stand!"
Swift arched an eyebrow as the witness was carried forth and placed on a stack of books piled in the witness chair, from whence he was forced to see the betrayed and disappointed blue orbs of the party pony locked upon him. The clerk looked at him, inhaling.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Celestia?"
Gummy gave a slow blink.
Cloudy coughed. "Now then, you were the arresting officer on this case, correct?"
Blink.
"You conducted a thorough investigation?"
Blink.
"And were you convinced Miss Pie was indeed the culprit?"
Blink.
"Nothing further." Cloudy took a seat.
Dusty was staring intensely at the alligator, who stared intensely back, neither of them daring to break their vicious eye contact by violating it with even half a blink. Finally Dusty huffed.
"I have no questions for this witness."
Gummy was carried reverently back to his seat next to a simply scandalized looking Rarity...although nopony could be sure if that was because she was forced to be his seatmate, or because one of her best friends was being accused of the bakery crime of the century.
"I call Sweetie Belle to the stand!!" Cloudy shouted out, very emotionally.
Sweetie trotted up and took her place. After being sworn in, she was subjected to one of Cloudy's most charming and calming smiles.
"Now then, Miss Belle. Can you tell us what transpired on the eighth of this month? Do take your time, and don't be nervous."
Sweetie was far from nervous. She pondered briefly, then grinned.
"Well, me and the Crusaders were busy crusadering like we always do, and we saw Pinkie Pie come bouncing up to us all happy. She gave us a whole tray full of cupcakes! Then she stayed and ate half of em, and she also blasted her brand new cannon for us too. But anyway! We were happy to get them cuz we were hungry!"
"Can you describe these cupcakes?"
"Yeah! Chocolate, with strawberry icing and lots of sprinkles!"
"Had you seen these cupcakes before?"
"Yep! They were on a tray in the Sucarcube Corner display window!"
"No further questions."
Dusty rose as Cloudy sat down.
"Sweetie Belle. How were the cupcakes?"
"Delicious! Just like always."
"Now are you sure these were the same cupcakes you saw previously in the window?"
"Yes ma'am! They were cuz they had a really cool label that I remember seeing."
"Anypony could have made more though, and replaced the label. Correct?"
"Well yeah, I guess."
"So you can't be sure they were the same?"
"No, I guess not."
"Nothing further!" Dusty sat down.
Cloudy rose. "Cross examine!iss Belle, did you notice anything suspicious at the bakery that day?"
"Nothing but some smoke in the kitchen. Pinkie wasn't on hoof so I ducked in and opened some windows."
"And when was this?"
"Well, I don't know, but a couple hours past lunch. So I guess...two?"
"Very interesting. Thank you, nothing further."
Sweetie was sent back to her chair and Cloudy turned an impressive stare on Pinkie.
"I call Miss Pie to the stand!"
"Oh now wait, objection!" Dusty protested. "You cannot force a defendant to testify against themselves!"
"It's only forcing if he badgers her and drags it out of her after she refuses to answer." Swift returned calmly. "And he won't do that because he's a very smart stallion who knows I will not tolerate badgering of witnesses or defendants or anycreature else in this coutroom without swift retribution to the one doing it. Correct, Cloudy Judgement?"
"But of course, your honored royalship."
Swift rolled his eyes and motioned. "Continue. Miss Pie, take the stand."
Pinkie looked incredibly nervous as she obeyed the command, taking her seat. The clerk stood in front of her, coughed, and intoned with nearly zero inflection, "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Celestia?"
"And on pain of being haunted by Applejack if you lie!" Rarity called out helpfully, earning a reprimanding glare from Swift for her trouble.
"I do." Pinkie replied, somewhat unsteadily.
"Miss Pie, where were you on the eighth, at say, two in the afternoon?"
Pinkie gulped. "I was at the bakery."
"Miss Pie, you are under oath, do not lie."
"I was at the bakery..."
"Miss Pie!!" Cloudy's voice went up a notch. "You were in fact NOT at the bakery, were you? You heard Miss Belle's testimony! She was there at that time and you were not!"
Pinkie was sweating, comically large droplets of perspiration trickling down her head and neck.
"Where. We're. You?" Cloudy insisted, leaning in so their muzzles nearly touched, his amber eyes deeply accusing.
"Gahhh! Okokokok! I wasn't there!" Pinkie wailed. "I left, just for a few minutes, to take some treats to the Crusaders, and blast my confetti cannon for them, but-but it took longer than it should and I got back too late, and the poor cupcakes were all buuuuurrrrned!!!!"
She ended her tale of woe with a pained howl, plopping her head on the railing in front of her while the crowd just gasped in horror at this revelation, and her attorney slumped in her chair with a heavy sigh of defeat.
"And what of the treats you took to the fillies?" Cloudy demanded ruthlessly. "Were they ones you baked specifically for them?"
"No! They were-they were ones meant for a partyyyyy!" Pinkie sobbed loudly and with obnoxious gusto.
"So in essence, YOU STOLE THEM?"
"YES! I DID IT! I'M A CUPCAKE MURDERER AND THIEF! I'M SORRY!"
Swift coughed. "Well then. Since we now have your confession, Miss Pie, I suppose it now falls to me to issue punishment."
"It won't be too harsh, will it?" Pinkie asked worriedly. "like, getting blasted with cake batter by Equestria's biggest party cannon kind of harsh?"
"Miss Pie. You have committed grave sins against baked goods everywhere today, and you must pay for them with serious consequences." Swift narrowed his eyes. "So are you ready to hear my sentencing of you?"
She sniffled. "Yes."
"Pinkamena Diane Pie, you are hereby ordered to accept no payments from the Cakes for three weeks. During that time, you work for free. In addition, you will bake three times the number of the cupcakes you stole and do with them whatever the Cakes instruct."
Pinkie shuddered. That was harsh, but not too unbearable.
"And Miss Pie?" Swift's stern gaze pinned her to her chair. "You are hereby restricted from party cannon use of any kind for one whole week. Perhaps that shall be incentive enough to make you remember not to leave baked goods in the oven while you go frolicking off to deliver treats randomly and play with your cannon while you have a job to do."
"Noooooooooooo!!!"
Pinkie's wail was one of earth-shattering misery at this horrible pronouncement, and she was still wailing as her friends dragged her from the courtroom, leaving Swift Justice to massage his ringing ears as he marked this case closed.