"Case number 2674321! Equestria vs. Syntax Silver! The honourable Judge Swift Justice presiding! All rise!"
Swift Justice ascended to his judgement seat with an air of seriousness that was not lost on any creature in the room. All eyes were locked on him as a respectful silence reigned. Once he was seated, he brushed an invisible bit of lint off his pristine robe and leveled an appropriately harsh glare at Syntax, before clearing his throat.
"Be seated."
There was a collective whoosh noise as they all sat down at once, save for the two attorneys at law, who stood stiffly in place awaiting their respective turns to address the judge. Swift studied the paper before him.
"Syntax Silver. Charged with the premeditated first degree felony of...." He stopped, blinking rapidly as his brows did their best to meet his mane line. "...placing pineapple on pizza?!"
"ITS CRIMINAL!" yelled out Rainbow Dash from her seat in the front row.
"Traitor! It's not!" Syntax shouted, leaping up to face her former friend.
"It is!! And now you are going to finally pay for it!"
"I will annihilate you!"
"Silence!!" Swift pounded his gavel. "Miss Silver, if you please, sit down and think about your bad choices in life! Furthermore, I'm tacking aggravated verbal assault to your list of crimes if you threaten Miss Dash again."
"What?! That's not even a-"
"Sit. Down."
Syntax slammed herself back into her seat with a huff, the chair creaking in protest at the abuse as she crossed her forelegs and glared defiantly at the judge. He narrowed his carnelian eyes at her, unimpressed at her display. Only when she looked down at the table did he move or speak.
"Now then..." his gaze drifted from the subdued defendant to the paper in his hooves, then back again. "May I ask who and why?"
Luckily, one pony knew exactly what he was asking.
"It was me! Silver and Dash were in a fight in the street arguing over this, so I arrested them both!"
Pinkie, clad in her best detective hat and with a pipe dangling from her mouth, stared at him seriously. Atop her hat sat a small green statue, or at least it would have been assumed to be one were it not for Gummy giving a very slow blink.
"Then why, exactly, is Miss Dash not seated at the table with Miss Silver?"
"Oh, because Gummy interrogated her thoroughly and we found she was only acting in self defense!"
"Is this true, Mr. Gummy?"
Another slow blink.
"Very well. Good job to Ponyville's finest law enforcement officers yet again." Swift inhaled. "Now. Cloudy Judgment?"
"Prosecution calls Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow took the stand, despite vicious glares from Syntax, and raised her hoof as Pinkie popped up in front of her.
"Do you Pinkie Promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Celestia, on pain of being hunted by Applejack?"
Rainbow blinked, before nodding emphatically. "I do."
It was not going to bode well for her if she lied. Pinkie would chase her down, Celestia would have her mane for falsely swearing on her name, and Applejack would lecture her for her choices. Or worse. Much worse. There was that whole meeting after the pie fiasco with Pinkie....Rainbow shuddered at the thought.
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie bounded back to her seat.
"Miss Dash, in your own words, could you tell us what you witnessed on the tenth of this month? And also on the sixth? And also..." Cloudy rattled off a long list of dates, pausing only when he was quite out of breath. "...please?"
"Sure! I saw Syntax eating pizza! But when I got close enough, I saw it had pineapple on it!" Rainbow made a face as the crowd in the courtroom gasped.
"I see. And how long has this been going on?"
"Ever since I met her. I knew she had a problem, but I was hoping it would fix itself."
"And when it didn't, what did you do?"
"I confronted her, just like multiple times before. She clobbered me with that disgusting stuff, and we had a fight. That's when Pin- I mean, Detective Pie, stepped in!"
"Thank you, Miss Dash. Nothing further."
"Your witness, Dusty." Swift said.
Dusty coughed and leveled Rainbow with a stern look. "Miss Dash. You say it was pineapple, but can you honestly tell if it really was?"
"What?"
"Have you ever eaten pineapple?"
"Uh, no..."
"How many times have you actually seen pineapple?"
"Er, once?"
"Then how do you know that my client did, in fact, have it on her pizza?!"
"BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME!"
"Did she, or did you just assume?"
"W-well she said it was good on pizza, so she obviously ate it before, and she was eating pizza at the time she said it so..."
"So how do you know, if you didn't smell it or taste it yourself?"
"Well, I mean, I guess I don't?"
"It could have been potatoes on that pizza, couldn't it Miss Dash?"
"Why would one put pota-"
"Answer the question!"
"Ok, yeah, sure."
"Nothing further!"
The courtroom was abuzz with excited murmurs, and Swift had to pound his gavel a few times to restore order.
"Any further witnesses?"
"One more, your honorship." Cloudy coughed. "I'd like to call Miss Applejack to the stand."
Syntax had gone rather pale, and slumped in her seat as the farmer trotted forward. If this was a crime, she was guilty and going to suffer consequences. Applejack was pure honesty, and anything she said would be crushing defeat for Syntax.
"Miss Applejack, you're a mare of fine standing in this town. Creatures trust your word. So tell me, what did you witness on the tenth of this month, and the sixth..."
As soon as his long list of dates was done, the red faced prosecutor inhaled deeply to regain his breath.
"Well I tell ya." Applejack coughed. "I saw Syntax eatin' pizza. An' it looked mighty tasty so I joined her. Had some strange topping on it to be sure."
"And what was the nature of this topping?"
"Hm...sweet, tangy, with a bit more acid than I recall in a fruit."
"Do you know it's name?"
"Mhm. Pineapple."
Startled gasps rang out and Syntax slumped forward into the table, her attorney scrambling through her papers to find some kind of convincing counter argument.
"So you're saying, under oath and on record, that Miss Silver was eating pineapple on pizza?"
"Eeeyup."
"I rest my case."
Dusty threw a stack of papers up in defeat. Then rethought her idea and picked up one and scanned it.
"Your honor, I have here a piece of paper to exhonerate my client." She waved it. "Equestria Book of Law does not by any means list pineapple as an illegal topping. In fact, according to this, it is stated that any item you choose may be used, with the exception of a few dangerous ones like magic filled mushrooms."
Swift beckoned for the paper, and Dusty gave it to him. After thoroughly scanning it, Swift nodded.
"Very well. Since there is no law against it, I hereby drop all felony charges against the accused. Case dismissed!"
BANG went his gavel.
"Oh this was so unfair!" Rainbow protested loudly.
Syntax gave her a look. "Rainbow."
"What!"
"You tried to have me convicted."
"Yeah?! So?!"
"So now I'm free to go, and I'm peeved at you."
"....oh no."
Rainbow backed away slowly and then zipped from the courthouse, with Syntax in hot pursuit. Swift just rolled his eyes and tidied up his bench in preparation for the next case.