//------------------------------// // Warning: This chapter is poorly written. Oh, and BEAR GRYLLS // Story: Man vs wild vs ponies // by wariyoshi //------------------------------// “and then there was this time where Gryllsy was all like ‘Shara, we need a divorce’ and I was all like ‘Bitch please’ and he was all like crying and stuff and saying he hated his life and shit and he put a gun in his mouth and stuff but he saw he couldn’t die so he cried more and then he like tried to sell his soul to Satan but Satan was all like ‘fuck no, I’ll burn my hands off’ and then I was all like-” Shara babbled on, not noticing Rainbow’s loud laughter and the indignant look seemingly permanently etched on her husband’s face. (Ponyville) Bear was not a religious man by any stretch of the imagination. Rather, he always said that he felt it was important to worship oneself if you happen to be part bear and part human, as such a match was “Most definitely made in heaven,” or so he claimed. By the time our hero reached Ponyville, however, he was praying to every god he could think of (Alongside a few gods he made up on the spot) to end his life. He sighed heavily, before taking out his urine-filled canteen and drinking from it. Not even the sweet nectar that flowed from his man-nozzle could cheer him up. His wife mimicked him with a glue bottle, “and Gryllsy here thinks that glue is unhealthy for you, but pfft! What does he know!?” Bear stopped walking and grabbed both of his wife’s shoulders firmly, glaring into her eyes as he spoke, “What was your name…Samantha? Miguel? Something like that, anyway, Rachelle, you need to leave town” She conjured up her best puppy dog eyes (Which looked more like Derpy dog eyes) and whined loudly, “Aaaw! Gryllsy! Is it that special time of the month where the sticky stuff comes out? I don’t know what to do when that happens, so I just take a glue bottle a-” He growled lowly, causing Shara to quirk up a single, confused eyebrow, “Stop talking. I don’t wanna know about your bodily functions. Look, these weasels have established a society, but they’re cannibalistic, uncivilized barbarians. If they’re going to survive in this world, they need a strong leader, and that’s ME! I can’t have you prancing about being stupid and tainting my image, so if you’d just walk into that forest over there, I’m sure some of those wooden wolves would be more than willing to help you, alright? Now go, GO! Shoo!” Rainbow blinked, “Uh, we’re not cannibals…and we have a leader…and we’ve solved world hunger…and we have everlasting world peace…” Bear sighed, “You WOULD think that, Rainbow Weasel, but no. It’s all propaganda and lies; your weasel goddess just WANTS you to think that-” Rainbow flew away; she wasn’t going to deal with this, not today. She was covered in insect mucus, guts, and feces. Silence engulfed the two. Shara and Bear stared at each other for a few moments before Shara peed herself and started to cry. Because he served in the British Special Forces, Bear Grylls had dealt with many crying babies. Some crying, some not so crying, but generally speaking, most of them were crying. He’d always just punched them until they stopped making noise (He discovered that, as a general rule of thumb, when the red paint (Yes, babies are made entirely of red paint) splatters reached his elbow, it was time to stop), but Shara wasn’t a baby. He sighed, “Hey, look, Amie, I didn’t mean to say those mean things. It’s just that I think you’re stupid and you don’t deserve to live, that’s all” She sniffed as he hugged her tightly, “You really m-mean that? That w-was what you said on ou-our first date!” Bear cringed, remembering that horrifying night in the Vietnamese jungles. Both the Viet Cong and the American soldiers fled from her. Whenever she caught one of her victims, she would take a bowling ball and a sledge hammer and- Well, nevermind. Anyways, the point is that it sucked. A lot. Almost as much as my Filipino friend/slave/whore, Alejandro. Say hola to the readers, Alejandro! Sálvame de este monstruo. That’s the spirit! Now get back in your cage you filthy little- “Okay, Gryllsy, I’ll talk to the wolfies for you,” she said as he did an about face and started marching toward the Everfree forest, “I’ll make you proud!” He let out a sigh of relief and finished off the remainder of his piss canteen. Aaah, he could taste the urine he had last week in that last sip. Everything was peaceful and quiet…too quiet. He heard a shrill, excited voice behind him and groaned. A single, depressed tear rolled down his cheek and hung itself on his chin (Get it? Depressed tear? Hung itself? Like suicide? (Yes, I’m fully aware of how awful that was (Okay, I’m done with parenthesis for a while))))) as he turned to meet the awful sound, “Sweet Jesus she’s ba- Oh, phew! You scared me there, Miss Pink thing! I thought you were my wife” False alarm, it was just Pinkie Pie, who giggled and bounced around excitedly, “No silly! You don’t have a wife!” She gasped dramatically, “Unless you DO have a wife! Then we’ll have to throw her a party! Oh, what does she like!? Does she like balloons? Should I get some balloons?” Bear rolled his eyes good-naturedly and chuckled warmly, “I don’t have a wife anymore Pinkie, you can trust me on that” She wilted visibly, “Aaaw…I wanted throw another party…” He smiled sheepishly, “Yeah, well, I want several gallons of my own fermented urine at my immediate disposal every waking second of every immortal day of my terrible life, but we can’t all get what we want, right? Ahem, so why did you come talk to me anyways, Pink weasel creature?” “Oh! I just wanted to let you know that the party is gonna be in two hours! You might wanna make sure your wife doesn’t go talk to the timberwolves, she might be late for the party!” Pinkie chirped excitedly as she skipped away. “Eh…Pinks, you know she’s not gonna be there…right?” Bear asked as he scratched his head. Pinkie had anticipated his exact sentence in a manner resembling Sun Tzu and proceeded to unleash her secret weapon. She turned around and blasted him with the most powerful weapon she had available; her puppy dog eyes. Retinas glistening in the light as growing amounts of crystal clear tears formed; she frowned in the saddest way known to ponykind. Fluttershy called it the ‘Staring into their soul and kicking them in the metaphorical groin’ technique. Well, no, I just lied, that’s what I call it, but that’s about what it feels like. “Sh-she’s…NOT?” Pinkie choked sadly. Bear’s tear ducts almost wrenched themselves from his face as he stared at her for a moment or two before responded, “Er, yes- I mean NO! No, she’s…wait…don’t worry Peasel the weasel, I’ll get her there, one way or another, I promise!” She sniffed loudly, “Are…are you sure?” He thumped his chest proudly, “You can trust me. I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces” She bounced up, original eyes taking shape once again and started to trot away happily, “Okidokiloki! It starts in two hours!” He sighed, briefly considering suicide. He then realized that he couldn’t die. Manly bear tears were shed. (Everfree forest, one hour later) “Oh bollocks to this, where is she?” Bear growled angrily as he pushed his way through the dense forest. With each stomp of his massive bear feet, tiny woodland creatures scurried around in shock. After a while more of searching, he decided to take a break. He picked up a squirrel and took a bite of it as he sat down, sighing. He noted that the squirrels were a bit chewier here than most other places, but that was alright; he kind of liked it that way. Just when he was about to give up, he heard a voice above him, “Oh, hey Gryllsy! How’s it hangin’? Ha, get it? Hangin’? Because I’m hanging from a tree? That was a joke, do you love me now?” He stood up and stared at his wife. He looked at her for a long while, noticing that one side of her was completely encrusted in mud. She was hanging by one leg, which had been tied with a vine to a relatively thick branch. He rolled his eyes, “No, I will never love you. How did you get up there?” She frowned, “I don’t know, I was just walking through the forest, sipping my glue and the next thing I know I’m hanging from this tree” Bear rubbed his temples and sighed, “Alright, just hang on…no pun intended…describe to me everything that happened to you on your way through the forest” “Alright then” she responded happily. (Everfree forest, about an hour or so earlier) Shara was now on the very edge of Everfree forest walking in. She wandered through the rough foliage for what seemed like hours to her feeble mind, but in reality only walked around for about a minute or two. She asked some nice-looking birds where the timberwolves were, but they flew away. It turned out they were kind of mean; they even threw some white paint on her head. She tried to give it back to them, but they wouldn’t come back no matter how hard she yelled. Oh well, she ate it. If they came back for it, she was gonna say it broke when it fell. After a little while more, she came up to a pack of sleeping timberwolves. She sighed in relief, she had FINALLY found them! “Excuse me wooden dogs, Gryllsy said I need to talk to you all!” she said contently. Aside from one wolf yawning, blinking, then going back to sleep, none of them really did anything. Huh. That was kind of rude of them. She came all the way out here and they were going to sleep when they had guests? Luckily, she was a genius. She had a plan B, because she ALWAYS had a plan B. Except when she didn’t have a plan B, then she just waited for Bear to come save her. But no, for the first time ever, she had a plan B. She stomped on the nearest tail she could find and screamed, “WAKE UP YOU LAZY LUMPS OF BARK!” The timberwolf howled in pain and glared at her, growling, as its cohorts woke up and glared at her as well. She let out a sigh of relief, “Phew, I was hoping you weren’t all heavy sleepers. Bear said you all wanted to talk to me!” Bear? Who was this bear? They had killed a bear yesterday, so they weren’t too afraid of a bear. They could take this arrogant, hairless cub. Still, it was odd that she walked on two legs. Plus, she was pretty big for a cub. Hm, on second thought, if she’s just the CUB, how big is the BEAR? They spoke to one another in their canine language, discussing what to do. Do they kill her? Do they spare her? So confusing, and the Alpha and his hunting party weren’t back yet, either. Realization hit them all like a two-by-four. It all made sense now; the Alpha and his pack had just killed a bear and they were degrading the bear’s cub by making it deliver the message! Seems legit. They all rushed to their Alpha’s urine scent. It smelled fresh, like he had just urinated to show his location. Yes, yes, it all made PERFECT sense. (Everfree forest, current time) Shara’s husband stayed quiet for a while, expecting the story to go on, but it ended there. Bear’s brow lowered in confusion, “I…see…and why are you tied to a tree?” She quirked up an eyebrow, “Hm? Tied to what now?” He face-palmed, “Tree, you’re tied to a tree right now, Jona, hanging upside down, what does that have to do with timberwolves?” She giggled, “Honey, I think you need to lay off your own urine for a while, I’m not tied to a tree” “I KNOW WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH!” he screamed as he quickly pulled out his canteen and gulped it down. She rolled her eyes, “…right. Anyways, let’s get going, I- Oh, I’m tied to a tree…that’s new” “Yes, okay, we’re in agreement now, you’re tied to a tree, how did you get into that predicament?” Bear huffed angrily. “Hm? This? Oh, right, I tripped” she answered. “Makes perfect sense; and why are you covered in mud on one side of your body?” he asked rather impatiently. She pointed to a rather obvious pile of dung that was a little larger than a few dumpsters stacked onto each other. There was an imprint on the side where a human female had seemingly smacked face-first. The weirdest thing about it was that it seemed intentional… Bear walked up to the massive heap of feces, grabbed a big glob of it, and stuck it in his mouth. He swished it a round for a few moments, savoring it, before swallowing. “Hm…tastes like…”-his eyes went wide as he took a few steps back from the mass of waste-“…dragon” He recoiled in horror and looked to the skies, whispering, “Still fresh…”