Over the next few days, my new hobby yielded its first results. I’d spent a day or two in the castle’s library studying basic painting tips and in the museum asking one of the curators for advice and clarifications of some things that I’d read that had puzzled me. She had been extremely helpful, and after a trip to the hobby shop for some paint, brushes, color pencils, canvas, and other necessities, getting started on my first drawing was easier than I’d expected!
I started simple: rather than aiming to make an impactful statement with my art right away, I decided to get familiar with the tools of the trade and make sketches to practice my technique before moving on to the more complicated stuff. That had been the books’ and curator’s advice, and I quickly saw it hadn’t been without reason, as the first sketch had turned out laughable by every standard! But I could see easily what I was doing wrong, and soon enough, my skill improved to something that could probably be described as passable.
I drew sketches of objects, flowers, and some animals, then moved on to portrait sketches, then tried to sketch a full landscape. It turned out okay. Not museum level - that would have been an unexpected miracle in such a short time - but Fine Line, the curator I’d asked for advice in the beginning, was passing by while I sketched in the street and said how impressed she was by how quickly I’d progressed from the earlier sketches that I’d brought with me in case I needed a reminder of what to do and what not to do!
This time, Fine Line sat with me while I sketched, making suggestions on how to improve my skill, and expressed her satisfaction with how easily I implemented her tips into my work, and her love aura was so bright and warm that I had no reason to doubt her words!
I’d surprised her with how quickly I was learning, she said. How much of it could be attributed to the fact that changelings had to have an eye for detail in order to produce a convincing disguise, neither of us knew, but she encouraged me to keep practicing. I had talent, she said, and she’d hate it to go to waste!
Even with Sunburst’s positive attitude in the lessons I had with him, I was still unused to this level of encouragement. He’d seen my capability to learn, or so he’d claimed, and I’d decided to believe him even if his words felt a little exaggerated; but now, I was getting the same praise from a different pony and for a different kind of activity! Could it be? Could I really have stopped being an utter failure and finally found things I was good at and could keep getting better at if I persisted?
I wanted it to be true; I wanted to be able to look at my reflection in the mirror and see a drone worthy of something, a drone who had attempted a task and completed it satisfactorily and without struggle, a drone who could be trusted to repeat that favorable result consistently whenever it was expected. But getting there required more practice, and probably for the first time ever, I believed I had what it took to achieve that goal. It may not be of great value to the society, but it didn’t matter; there was something I could do properly and it felt so good! Maybe, in time, I would discover more things I was good at or could learn to be good at!
But for now, one thing at a time. Having goals was great, but only as long as they were achievable! No point in getting overwhelmed with more ambitions than I could handle!
Fine Line had encouraged me to keep working on my skill and I felt ready. I decided to set sketching aside for now and to begin working on a painting.
Again, I didn’t want to get too ambitious for my own good and pick something I couldn’t handle. I’d probably mess it up and get discouraged from trying again even though I enjoyed the process and found it as soothing as Sunburst had hoped it would be! Losing hope and confidence was the last thing I needed!
Fortunately, I knew of enough simple motifs by now that it wasn’t hard to choose among them what I wanted to try for practice. Sure, none of them would be very original, but it didn’t matter. I’d get to originality sooner or later, and I wanted to do it right.
Flowers had been an easy and pretty thing to sketch, and I expected that painting them wouldn’t be much harder. There were plenty of flowers to choose from throughout the city, and there was nothing stopping me from inventing an imaginary one if I preferred to, but I knew of one particular flower that I wanted to give the honor of becoming my first painting! I’d spent enough time around it that I was sure I could paint it from memory, but why do it like that when I could go there and paint while enjoying its company in the warm sun?
The first chance I got, I packed my watercolors, brushes, canvas, and a water can, and set out for a hill on the city outskirts. I knew it well by now; most of my excursions out of the castle and into the city streets had included a detour to this particular location. The hill itself was nothing special per se, but on it grew a flower that had been given to me by a pony I’d comforted in his moment of need, a pony I might have befriended had my journey through Equestria not taken me unexpectedly away from the city I believed to be Vanhoover. I’d spent a couple of days there but forgotten to check the name of the city while still in it, and studying Sunburst’s maps had made Vanhoover the most likely candidate. I’d made an effort to check because I’d believed the day would come when I’d travel there and reunite with my acquaintance.
In the meantime, the flower had remained here to remind me of the elderly pony and his gratitude for the moment I’d spent with him. He’d been the rare exception in the endless stream of ponies who had chased me, fled away from me in terror, or tried to bring about my undoing. He had come closer than anypony else to becoming my friend up until Spike, and I’d never forgotten that! Perhaps that was because he hadn’t realized I was a changeling. Perhaps, if I’d dropped my disguise in front of him, he would have acted the same as the hordes to whom I’d been nothing but a despicable enemy, a vile threat that needed to be crushed without mercy… but against all odds, part of me still hoped that he would have been able to see past my dark carapace and menacing fangs and see the gentle soul that I’d revealed to him in his moment of need.
He’d given me the flower, and within it, he’d given me some love, enough to sustain me through the raging blizzard on the final leg of my journey before I ended up here. I’d planted the flower on the hill where I first landed in this love-filled oasis that I hadn’t known existed until then, and the flower was still flourishing nicely! It had comforted me in moments of despair and reminded me not to falter, because the day had to come when I would meet a pony who would like me for who I was and call me a friend regardless of what I was; now that the day had come, the flower was my own personal monument of Friendship Undying.
So what better way to honor it than to pay tribute to it through my first painting?
Trusty Shield watched me silently while I worked. He and the other two guards were still tasked with following me everywhere and making sure I behaved myself, and I’d gotten used to them being around. What I still hadn’t gotten completely used to was that Trusty was beginning to abandon his brazen attitude towards me and act at least polite if not as friendly as Paladin or Sentinel! Had all this time with me finally gotten him to realize that I wasn’t the monster he’d thought I was? Maybe, or maybe it was something else; either way, I welcomed the change, even if I still reserved a degree of caution in case he relapsed into his old behavior. That would have been a major distraction for me while I painted, but as it was, I hardly noticed him! He maintained a respectful distance, refrained from snide remarks, and even expressed mild approval of how the finished painting had turned out! Heck, he even offered to help me carry it back to the castle so it wouldn’t get damaged along the way!
Was this your doing, flower? If it was, thank you!
With Sunburst’s help, I hung the painting on the wall of my room, above the bed. Now I could view my flower whenever I wanted! And, of course, I wouldn’t forget the living counterpart of this painting that now proudly decorated my room and made it feel a little more like a home!
But now that the flower was with me more permanently, I found myself unable to stop thinking about the pony who had given it to me. How was he doing? Had he found what he was looking for? Had he found peace, reconciled with his old life, settled the grievances that had kept him away? Did he still need some help? Was there anything I could do?
Had I helped him at all? Or had I made things worse? Would he welcome me into his life again, this time for longer than a few minutes? Did he even care?
Would he remember me at all?
Such thoughts filled my mind the rest of the day and well into the night. They weren’t letting me do anything else: I couldn’t read, or paint, or sketch, or look at the evening sky without getting immediately distracted! I couldn’t even sleep! I tossed and turned in my bed, kept awake by the memory of the elderly stallion and his grief.
It must have been well after midnight when I finally realized what would put my mind at rest, and with that realization, I was at last able to drift off to sleep.
“Princess Cadance?”
I’d gone to look for her immediately after getting out of bed in the morning, expecting to find her either in the throne room or at breakfast, but instead, I ran into her in a hallway.
“Yes, Thorax?”
“Forgive me for bothering you at such an early hour-”
“Don’t be silly, you aren’t bothering me at all! How can I help you?”
“I was wondering… if I wanted to travel somewhere purely for social reasons, would that be okay?”
“By all means! Has Spike invited you to Ponyville already? I got the impression it was still a little early to expect an invitation from what you told me about his letter last week…”
“Oh, it’s not Spike, Princess. You’re right, he did say it was still early. I was actually thinking of going to Vanhoover if that’s okay.”
“Vanhoover? I didn’t realize you had friends there!”
“Well, the pony I want to visit isn’t really a friend, more like an acquaintance, but in the short time we spent together, I had a feeling I could develop a proper friendship with him. I hope I could have, at any rate. I’ve been thinking about him lately and wanted to see how he’s doing.”
“Can’t you just send him a letter?” Shining spoke behind my back.
Startled, I turned around. “I don’t know his name and address, but I’m pretty sure I know where to look for him.”
He scoffed. “You’re getting awfully comfortable with asking permissions to go to places, aren’t you? We let you once or twice and now you want to hit the road every other week!”
“Why shouldn’t he?” Cadance interjected. “Ponies do that all the time!”
“Come on, Cady! Why haven’t we heard one word about this ‘acquaintance’ yet? How are we supposed to know he isn’t pulling tricks?”
“Has he pulled tricks before?”
“No, but he could have easily waited until we’re lulled into a false sense of security!”
“Then he’s in for a long wait as far as you’re concerned, isn’t he?”
“Cady, who knows how much we don’t know about him yet! He’s been here for long enough that we should have known all about him for a while now and we only found out ten days ago that he’s got a brother! I can’t help but wonder what else is going to come up that we should have known sooner!”
“And you’re afraid that letting him travel will somehow reveal something bad about him?”
“Aren’t you?”
“Why would I be? Everything I’ve seen about him points to the conclusion that he’s nice and trustworthy!”
He stood there pouting.
“Shining, dear,” she spoke to him gently, “why can’t you set that stubborn paranoia aside for a bit?”
“Okay, fine,” he grumbled. “We granted you permission to travel before and I guess one more time won’t kill us. But Paladin is going with you and that’s non-negotiable!” He started to leave, then turned back briefly to say, “Don’t make me regret this!”
The train ride to Vanhoover had taken a mere few hours of sitting on a comfortable bench and chatting with my friendly guard. The contrast to my arriving journey couldn’t have been more jarring: I’d had only my wings and willpower to rely on then, any only a mysterious beacon of love to guide me; the weather had been merciless and I had braved it for days! I hadn’t even been sure that I’d get out of it alive, and now, the storms had calmed down considerably, so much that I could have easily flown to Vanhoover if I wanted to! I couldn’t believe it; it was like a whole different world!
Paladin was showing far less interest in the weather conditions outside of our train car. I figured he must have already seen its full range, having lived in the far north for longer than me. Or was it his military training that had prepared him for extreme conditions? Either way, his love aura was steadily bright in accordance with his outward composure. He’d left his spear and armor in my room in order to avoid drawing undue attention to himself during the trip, but it struck me that his composure still revealed a degree of discipline characteristic of a soldier; even without his armor, he was still very much a Royal Guard! I wondered if he realized it.
As for me, I’d opted for a disguise other than Crystal Hoof. I couldn’t leave the Crystal Empire looking like myself and expect no trouble, and the pony I was looking for wouldn’t recognize me in my own form anyway, so having assumed that I wouldn’t have an opportunity to adapt my disguise, I’d made myself look like the pegasus that he would recognize if he still remembered the day we’d met. I just wasn’t sure about what my name was supposed to be. Had I introduced myself to him the first time? I didn’t think so, and if I had, he would have probably told me his own name! I was reluctant to tell him my real name - it would be hard to explain it as a pony name even if my acquaintance didn’t know anything about changeling names, and there was no promise that a random changeling wouldn’t overhear me introduce myself or hear my name mentioned at a later time - but ‘Crystal Hoof’ might not work well for a pegasus, would it? And what if he decided to write letters to me from now on? How would the mailponies know where to deliver his letters, and would they care to keep track of all my aliases? And what about when I revealed myself to him, which I hoped I’d be able to do safely one day? Would he understand, or would he begin to hate me for lying to him?
Amazing, I thought, how the same things still troubled me in my new life as they had while I’d been on the run, friendless, hungry, and losing hope of ever finding what I was looking for. One would have thought that, now that I finally had friends and a home, I would have stopped worrying about how every single pony I came across would react to my real face! Gone were the days when appearing as myself anywhere in the world would have meant mortal danger without exceptions; I had a place of safety to return to and trusted ponies to rely on, so why was I acting like it wasn’t enough? Why couldn’t I be satisfied with what I had achieved? Why keep putting myself at risk trying to gain more? Was I unknowingly succumbing to my love-hoarding instincts even though I had ample sources of freely-shared love to sustain me? Was I fooling myself about why I needed so many friends? The ones I already had weren’t going to abandon me… were they?
“Why are you so gloomy all of a sudden?” Paladin asked as we left the Vanhoover train station and trotted through the nearby streets.
“Huh? Oh, just… just wondering how this might go. How much I should tell him. Whether or not telling him everything would be a good idea, and what to expect if I decided to do it later. That kind of stuff.”
“I see. You want to tell him but are afraid of what he might do.”
“Yes. And putting it off for a later time seems even worse. He could get the wrong idea when I finally do tell him, or he could find out by accident… There are so many ways this could go wrong!”
“Well, I’m here to help if you need it!”
“Thanks, Paladin! What would you do if you were in my place?”
“I’m not sure,” he said after a moment. “The situation may not be quite as tricky as it would have been if you were on your own, but despite the supportive background, it’s still potentially problematic. If I were in your horseshoes, I think I’d try to leave my options open for as long as possible. Think you could feel him out without revealing too much?”
“I can try, but I don’t have much experience in that kind of thing. It’s part of infiltrators’ skill set, and remember, I got expelled from basic training.”
“I know. But ponies sometimes have to do that for all kinds of reasons, most of which are benign, and we don’t get trained in infiltration at all except the few who become secret agents. If we can do it, so can you!”
“I hope so…”
“Where are we supposed to find this potential friend of yours, anyway?”
Good question. I knew we were supposed to go to the south-east side of the city, but which route to take?
“One moment.”
I flew up above the buildings. The city stretched vast in all directions; close to us were the taller buildings, but most of them were on the western side, and they gave way to smaller houses not far from our current position, maybe just a couple of streets. In the distance, at the southern border of the city, was a forest, and near the eastern end of the treeline, there was a stretch of foliage that appeared more uniform than the rest. It was hard to judge at this distance and I hadn’t brought binoculars, but it had to be the pear orchard! And I could see an easy route there!
I landed again and pointed out the direction to Paladin.
“We can start with this street here, then turn east at some point. I’ll fly up again if we get lost.”
“Sounds good! How far away?”
“Close to the outer limits of the city.”
“That’s an hour’s walk at least!”
“Aren’t Royal Guards supposed to be in shape enough to handle that?” I teased him.
“That’s not what I meant!”
“What did you mean?”
“I-well-um-nothing… just that we might end up staying overnight if we’re not careful…”
“Good save,” I chuckled.
Paladin turned out to be right in his estimate: a little over an hour and two course corrections later, we were arriving at the main gates of the orchard. A house and some outbuildings obscured the view of the orchard itself, but having seen it from above just a few minutes previously, I knew we’d come to the right place. I wasn’t sensing an aura of love in the rough area of the house and the outbuildings, but if my friend was working further away in the orchard, that was to be expected. But Sunburst had taught me that it would be considered good manners or at least a prudent thing to knock on the front door anyway, as any passers-by familiar with the ponies living there and their social circle might get the wrong idea if I were to skip the knocking and just go search the backyard - or orchard in this case - unless I could actually see the homeowner there. I decided to adhere to that; no need to add this to the list of orchards I’d been accused of trying to steal fruit from, even if I had a Royal Guard with me to explain the situation!
We were about to climb onto the porch when a voice stopped us in our tracks.
“If you’re looking for Grand Pear, he isn’t here,” a mare spoke from behind us.
Before we could turn around to face her, I caught a slight surge in Paladin’s love aura. His posture stiffened slightly for a moment, but soon enough, he was back to his usual self.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“I said, Grand Pear isn’t here.”
“Can you tell us where he is?” Paladin tried.
“That depends. Who are you two?”
“My name is Crystal Hoof,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t question why a pegasus had a name more suitable for a crystal pony. “I’m an acquaintance of Grand Pear’s and this is my friend Paladin. We were passing by and decided to drop in for a quick visit.”
“I’ve never heard him mention anypony named Crystal Hoof.”
“Oh, well… I only met him once, actually, and he was sad because he missed his daughter. I tried to cheer him up… That was a few months ago and he might not even remember me anymore… but I remember him and have been wondering how he’s doing. So, um… here I am.”
“And him?” she asked, pointing at Paladin.
“I’m just tagging along,” he shrugged.
“Huh.” She looked into the distance. “Grand Pear told you about his daughter, did he? He doesn’t normally open up so easily about her. Never did as far as I know. He must have been in quite a state if he decided to talk about her with a total stranger!”
“He was,” I said. “He said it was twenty-five years to the day since he’d seen her last.”
“Come to think of it, he did mention a pony coming out of nowhere to comfort him… it was you, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“And it was you who suggested that he read her letters.”
“Yes… is something wrong?”
“Well, he read them alright… turned the cupboard inside out and read every single letter. Every last one, and there must have been hundreds! Took him over a month to get through it all! Then, when he was done, he just stopped doing everything. Stopped tending to the orchard, stopped visiting friends, stopped going to the local tea shop… just sat in his house all day and cried.”
My heart sank upon hearing this. Poor Grand Pear! I should have never told him to read those letters! What had I been thinking? Couldn’t I have left the matter alone? Couldn’t I have suggested some other way of dealing with his remorse?
“It went on forever,” the mare continued. “Eventually the other neighbors and I ran out of ideas of how to try to cheer him up and grew tired of seeing him like that so I suggested to him a change of scenery. I hoped that getting away from here for a little vacation would help get his mind off things and he said he’d been considering the same thing. So yeah, he took my advice.” She shrugged. “As far as I know, he’s still travelling.”
“Do you know when he’ll be back?”
“I’m afraid not. I’m guessing he will eventually, but I can’t promise it! But hey, if you’re in the neighborhood again sometime, you can visit me if you want! I’m Vanilla Sugar. I own a pastry shop in that street over there.” She pointed to it.
“Thanks, Vanilla. We’ll be sure to drop by!”
Paladin and I remained there for a moment longer after she left, letting the news sink in. Eventually he stopped suppressing that surge in his love aura that I’d felt earlier and allowed his military composure to abandon him for a moment.
“Grand Pear?” he exclaimed. “You’re friends with Grand Pear?!”
“I guess that’s his name, yes. Why? Do you know him?”
“I know of him. He grows by far the best pears in Equestria, maybe even in the whole world! But I also heard he was a bit of a recluse. And you got through to him? Just like that?”
“I’m not sure I’d call it ‘just like that’, Paladin. He was feeling really, really bad and I tried to help. I’m sure a lot of ponies would have done it!”
“And they might have over the years! Why would that have been the first time he needed a shoulder to cry on? But he still has a reputation of somepony hard to approach, and you succeeded where others must have failed!”
“And a fine lot of good that did! By the sound of it, I made things even worse!”
“Why? Because he left?”
“Yes,” I sighed. “Vanilla called it a change of scenery, but how much of a change of scenery does one need? That was ages ago! I wonder if he’s ever planning to return! If he returns, that is! He’s old enough that he could have died in the meantime! And I might have made it happen!”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. Why would he be dead? And even if he is, why would it be your fault?”
“Because of his daughter.”
“Yeah, what about her?”
“Grand Pear disowned her because she married somepony he disapproved of. He said something about his family being in a long-lasting feud with her mate’s family over something… I didn’t ask for details. Anyway, things got ugly and Grand Pear cut all ties with his old home and moved here, and at some point, he heard rumors that his daughter had died. He’d cooled down over her marriage by then and missed her deeply but didn’t dare to go back and find out if she really was dead.”
“I see. And the letters?”
“She wrote to him many times over the years but he never bothered to read any of it, just put them away in a drawer every time. Eventually the letters stopped coming. I don’t know how much time passed between that and him hearing the rumor of her death, but he said he didn’t know which would feel worse: the confirmation of her death or finding out that she’d stopped writing because she gave up on him.”
“Suddenly those pears don’t seem so sweet anymore… And you told him to read the letters?”
“Among other things, yes. I got the impression that the uncertainty was hurting him more so I encouraged him to reconcile with that other family, but he didn’t know what to expect, so I suggested that reading his daughter’s letters might prepare him. If I’d known it would only make him feel worse…”
“No, don’t you start again, Thorax! You had the best intentions, and you couldn’t have predicted what would happen! You don’t even know for sure that your advice backfired!”
“But Vanilla said-”
“I know! He sulked and cried after reading the letters! But that could have easily been an unavoidable phase in his process of recovery, one that would have happened with or without you! He’d been holding it in for twenty-five years, for Celestia’s sake! Of course he would have needed to let it out! In fact, I bet he waited to cry his heart out properly and then went to his old town! He could be there right now, making amends to his daughter’s in-laws if he hasn’t already, maybe even with her if she’s still alive!”
“You really think so?”
“I do. And I think you’ll come back here a month or two from now and find Vanilla and be told that she received a letter from Grand Pear telling her all about it! Or at the very least, you’ll find him back at home, recovered and making plans to go through with the rest of your advice, and looking forward to it!”
Such happy endings sounded wonderful, but how likely were they to come true? Not very, judging by my own experience… but I’d forged that experience in the hive, and this was Equestria, a much happier place to live in even for me, despite all the caution I still had to exercise against my own kind and the restrictions I had to obey to prove my good intentions to the ponies I lived among. Maybe there was some hope for Grand Pear after all?
“Come on,” Paladin said. “There’s nothing more for us to do here today, and we’ve got a train to catch.”